tale of the red-eyed devil shits
drd...@my-deja.com
K-Y)
tale of the red-eyed devil shits:
I've been an EMT (ambulance driver for the dumbshits) in a rural
county in East Texas for about 6 years now and, things being as they
are, I have the singular priveledge of seeing people at their very
worst. But these aren't NORMAL people.. oh no, these are a really
disturbing variety of your already fucked-up, cross-burning,
inbreeding, corn-fed, mule-pulling sheepfuckers. I will elaborate:
When I was still in training for my Intermediate cert., I was
pulling a clinical student shift in a local ER when we received a
rather rowdy OD patient. Imagine if you will: a man, 5 feet tall, five
feet wide , weighing about 320 lbs, being without a stitch of clothing
and screaming profanity. He looked like an emormous, completely pissed-
off plastic bag full of curdled milk. Apparently, this individual had
not seen fit to stop when he disproved Darwinian theory... no, he had
to go and swallow his entire month's supply of Lithium.
Now, while overdoses of some drugs might only induce a dreamy,
jack-off-in-the-peanut-butter-and-shit-your-undies-type state, Lithium
will definitely kill you... without the fun of jacking off in the
peanut butter (but fear not, you WILL shit your undies). I digress...
Within minutes of his arrival to our abode of charity, the poor
fucker was tied at the wrists and ankles, had a long rubber tube
(catheter) inserted into his little micro-choad, poked with impossibly
wide IV needles and was enduring the famed and all-powerful gastric
lavage. In Webster's, under "Gastric Lavage" it says: "fucking
uncomfortable water hose rammed down throat, attached to manual pump
then worked by nurse pissed at you for not having used a fucking gun
for suicide.".
15 minutes after arrival, our murky little drop in the gene pool
was already on his way to recovery. We had suctioned most the pills
from his stomach and, after we removed said uncomfortable water hose,
relaxing rather nicely. One of the ER nurses and myself had voluteered
to stay behind and "observe" the patient (translation: waste time and
avoid possible REAL work). Everything was going smoothly when the
patient asked if he could be unrestrained to "go to the potty". Being
to lazy to divert more than a fraction of my mental faculties from
trying to score on the nurse, I replied: "Don't worry, the catheter
just makes you feel like you have to urinate, you don't really have
to". Then, he informed me that he had to shit.. badly. Still, no real
problem here, just grab a bedpan, instruct patient to lift hips, place
bedpan under hairy ass and go back to hitting on said nurse.
Then it began
I heard him grunt softly, then strain. A few farts and the pitter-
patter of a minor liqui-shit episode..... then a blood-curdling scream.
In instant fear that he would die and that real work would begin, I
snapped my head back to see that he had gone into some sort of horrible
(but amusing) paroxysm. What remained of his teeth were clenched
tightly together, his eyes had almost popped from their orbits, his
face was beet red and globs of snot were actually leaping from his nose.
This wasn't your average shit, nor was it even the granola-induced
great hairy man-shit. No, it was the red-eyed devil shits.
He strained his entire 320 lbs for an entire five minutes, bucking
and gurgling, trying in apparent vain to birth what I was sure to be
the grogan to end all grogans, and the strange thing was, there was no
smell. Just the sounds of WW3 being fought inside an emormous colon.
Then, there was a sound not heard before or since: it was like a cross
between loudly ripping canvas and a wet cat being thrown onto concrete
at incredible speed. Then without pause, there was the bathtub-faucet
sound of the mother of all liquishits..... and all was still.
The the smell hit. Actually, it wasn't really a smell so much as a
force of nature. It was a combination of rotting flesh, burning asshole
hairs and sulphur. The gas cloud was a living entity, churning and
roiling and forcing all who encountered it to double over gagging with
revulsion. Not even I, master of the oysters-on-the-half-shell-and-
cheap-malt-liquor-fart could rival his expulsion... he was master of
all things flatulent. I didn't double over, I genuflected.
But even with nasal hairs singed and eyes watering, my little dove
of mercy, the nurse, did her duty and approached Mt. St. Overdose. "Are
you finished?" she asked, gagging and trying in futility to prevent the
demon-cloud from raping her nasally. Panting, the patient responded in
the affirmative. It was at this point that I noticed his eyes, there
were several little red spots called peticiae covering his sclera (the
whites of his eyes). Peticiae are caused when capillaries in the eyes
ruture under extreme pressure and are usually found in strangulation
victims.
Being the dutiful soul that she was, the nurse extricated the
befouled bedpan from what can only be described as the basement of hell
and, with morbid curiosity, we gazed upon the contents. Floating in a
lake of (I swear to God) boiling liquishit was the devil-shit itself.
It was perfectly spherical, perfectly black and 5 inches wide. It was
the red-eyed devil-shit. "My God, it's a fucking cannonball!" was all I
could say, awed as I was. I was in the presence of something truly
unholy and I knew it. The nurse, still being fucked in the sinuses by
the stench, asked if I would take the now melting bedpan to the toilet
and give it a proper burial. All thoughts of romance now gone and
clinging only to self-preservation, I replied: "You see this nametag?
It says student, stu-dent.. that means noo paay!". The nurse slinked
out upon her duty. Not that I lack intestinal fortitude (pardon pun)
it's just that I was afraid that if I actually did try to flush the
devil-shit, that it would spring from the bowl and strangle me to death.
But all was still not well in the great colon. Further labor pains
produced four and a half more bedpans full of liquishit afterbirth. I
don't remember the exact capacity of a bedpan, but five and a half of
them is just too much shit from one human being. In the end, the
patient survived just fine (some minor anal reconstruction work and a
year's worth of holy water enemas later). The entire ER was cleared and
even a visiting proctologist passed out but all ened rather well.
I never did see that nurse after she dumped the devil-shit however.. my
fears may not have been unfounded after all....
Da Doc
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Euel Ball
medicine has great moments
of tastlessness, as Procto, Nurzy and others can relate. Welcome to the
cesspit. I think you'll like
it here.
Euel
Obt: It's 10 pm. I'm drinking strong coffee with two cups to go. I'm
trying not to work on something
I should be working on, and my only thought at the moment is what kind
of shits the coffee's going to
give me in the morning...
rcr...@my-deja.com
drd...@my-deja.com wrote:
> I've been an EMT (ambulance driver for the dumbshits) in a rural
> county in East Texas for about 6 years now
[nauseatingly twisted and depraved story reluctantly snipped]
It takes a truly disturbed person to do that job for very long. You'll
fit in well here...
You probably know already that a.t has seen a few EMTs evolve stellar
article histories, most notably Tae Kim, but there's always room for
more. Especially ones from East Texas.
Fuckin-A, after spending a year in Houma, LA, the states of Mississippi,
Louisiana and Texas east of Houston get my vote for one of the top 5
tasteless regions in the US.
--
Deja.com - now slower than ever!
Find out more at http://bloated.deja.com/
Ian_Anderthal
*******
Now, while overdoses of some drugs might only induce a dreamy,
jack-off-in-the-peanut-butter-and-shit-your-undies-type state, Lithium
will definitely kill you... without the fun of jacking off in the
peanut butter (but fear not, you WILL shit your undies). I digress...
*******
I would claims "SIG!" here - but cannot figure out how to get Nutscrape to
do it...
Ian Anderthal
<Who has used lithium in suppository form in the past>
Zor Prime
> Now, while overdoses of some drugs might only induce a dreamy,
> jack-off-in-the-peanut-butter-and-shit-your-undies-type state, Lithium
> will definitely kill you... without the fun of jacking off in the
> peanut butter (but fear not, you WILL shit your undies). I digress...
>
> I would claims "SIG!" here - but cannot figure out how to get Nutscrape to
> do it...
Cut text. Paste to text file. In Netscape, go to Preferences. In
Preferences, go to Mail and Newsgroups. In Mail and Newsgroups, go to
Identity. In Identity, at the very bottom, is where you can select the
sig file.
- Zor Prime
"It's the reason I've always referred to RSPW as "the community
piss-pole" of usenet.
Anyone can stop by, squirt out a message for others to sniff and make
of it whatever they wish, about any subject they wish, and very few of
us ever truly take offense.
At the risk of mixing metaphors, we are the thousand monkeys pounding
away at a thousand keyboards, and this whole thing is quite the
masterpiece."
- Gideon Perkidan
NurzRachet
> x-no-archive: yes
> In <39E69739...@earthlink.net> Euel Ball <euel...@earthlink.net>
> writes:
> >
> >*dazed look* wow...I mean...WOW! That was beautiful. The field of
> >medicine has great moments of tastlessness, as Procto, Nurzy and
> >others can relate.
>
> student.
Sorry, darlin'. I'm not your run of the mill nurz. The med students
ask *me* questions.
ObT: The new interns. You can hear the music, "Send in the Clowns"
playing in the background. Like I've posted before, they parade around
the hospital, humming, "I'm Too Sexy for my Scrubs," stethoscopes
swinging around their necks like swarms of flies around a pile of hot
steamy shit.
They tiptoe into the O.R. with an attempted look of caring on their
faces, when in reality, they're scared shitless -- there's always the
possibility that the surgeon will tell one of the little darlins to
scrub in. Ain't nothing more beautiful than seeing a brand new Dok-tor
drop a load in his pants. They start hyperventilating, their carotid
pulse jumps out of their neck with every beat, and if their pants are
tight enough, you can see their Mini Mees make a desperate leap for
freedom.
I'll never forget the guy who was bragging about "driving amblances" and
wanting to go to anesthesia school. Just to be <ahem> difficult, we
handed him the endo tube and immediately watched him pass out, slamming
his chin on the med cart. Fool. Wonder what he's doing now. Probably
still driving "amblances."
Nurzy