Colon Hydrotherapy: Right Up My Alley!
Citizen Ted
Oooog.
I have just returned my very first colon hydrotherapy session.
I am fatigued and woozy and the only thing that feels April-fresh is
the interior lining of my colon. Everything else is worn out and
droopy.
It was an extremely interesting and bizarre experience. I met
the "therapist" at 8:30am. She was a rather plain woman in her 40's,
no distinguishing features - just your average Bellingham NewAge
hippie woman. This town is teeming with them.
We sat down for a little chat in her clean and well-appointed
office. She asked me the usual questions about my disease history,
then segued into the standard battery of NewAgey questions about my
"wellness": my diet, exercise and daily intake of fennel and echinacea
extracts.
She gave me the usual rigmarole about "toxins" and how every
bulge in the colon relates to every part of your body - kinda like
phrenology of the asspipe. A real load of hooey, but I just smiled and
nodded. No point in angering the woman with the tube in her hand,
right?
Well, I was pretty impressed went she showed me her enemal
contraption. It looked like a Frankensteinian ass lab, complete with
cool silver knobs and huge tubes and white plastic valves. There was a
green plastic table with form-fitting "stirrup-style" leg cowlings on
the end. Right where one's displayed rectum would sit was a wide
dugout "well" area with a thick drain pipe on the bottom. Deeper into
the dugout area was a water nozzle.
Above the table was a cabinet that held what looked like a
toilet tank and several tall cylinders of transparent PCV. The cabinet
exterior sported numerous knobs for filling cylinders, flushing the
exhaust and controlling the pressure. Below the table was a wide
transparent tube - the exhaust gutter or "view pipe". There was a
mirror set next to the table so the patient could see exactly what
flowed down the view pipe.
It was, in essence, an enema room, complete.
As you might imagine, I had more than a little trepidation.
Not only had I never had an enema or "high colonic", but I had never
had anything more dramatic that the occasional dainty finger or tongue
stuffed up there. The very idea of 20 gallons of water flushing
through my one-way street was quite unnerving.
But I am a professional, and I had a job to do. She began
instructing me on "mounting" the apparatus. To my relief, she produced
a thin, tapered nozzle that would serve as my ass spigot. To comfort
me, she produced an industrial enema nozzle as a comparison. It was a
white plastic monstrosity the size of a dildo with a wide
double-eyelet hypo on the end. It was meant to be inserted 4-5 inches
up the anus - kinda like getting it in the ass from Lincard, only
without all the beer and pleading beforehand.
It was a Nurz Rachet quality device; something she would
insert with gusto into the tightest butthole, then withdraw and
reinsert several times to "get a good fit". It was a scary device.
Thus, I was relieved by what I would be shoving up my ass: a
slender, tapered, clear plastic "wand" with hole in the end. As the
NewAge nurz left the room, I did as commanded and stripped below the
belt. I leapt onto the table (it was warm and comfy) and placed my
legs in the stirrup cowlings. (All I could think of in that initial
position was "Push! Push! WaAaAAaAaa!!!"). I pulled a sheet over my
lower half to hide all the good stuff. She insisted on the sheet, even
though I professed not to be too bashful. I guess this was a good
thing, for if she had even a fleeting glance of the TedChoad, it would
surely take weeks for her to stop calling me at home...
Anyway, she had left my slender ass nozzle dangling in the
exhaust well. I lubed up the tip with some KY gunk and Assumed the
Position.
I guided the open tip toward what I thought was my asshole.
OK, I'll admit that I sometimes have trouble finding "the hole" in the
dark. I've turned off more than a few women by continually punting
into their goddamn clits.
But I thought piercing my own hole would be a breeze.
Wrong.
O, my droogies, my starfish was indeed tight and resistant.
After boinking into the crack of my ass a few times, I guided that
fucker into paydirt, only to meet a solid wall of opposition. As per
her instruction, I let go of the tip and "beared down" onto the stiff
nozzle, driving it deeper up my ass, or so I thought. It was rather
painful; my sphincter was so tight that it gripped the nozzle like the
lips of a cichlid and began spitting it out like a rejected kidney.
I couldn't even tell if I had really cleared the gateway or
not. After several minutes of uncomfortable fussing with the damn
thing, I rang for the nurz, hopeful that I had inserted it deep enough
for the process to work.
She came in and fired up the machine. A cylinder in the
cabinet filled with 98 degree water. She moved the pressure up to
drippy 1/8 pound of pressure. I could immediately feel the water
dribble down my asscrack. We both saw a thins stream heading down the
view pipe and into the floor.
I was admonished to try again. She left the room once more,
and I began impatiently working that nasty tip around my steel-trap
starfish. After several more endless minutes of painful fussing, I
felt I had cleared the entryway. My sphincter gripped the nozzle and
tried to expel it, but it held. I rang for her again, and she started
the water. This time, it stayed inside, but wasn't flowing - it was
bubbling into my ass. I could feel tingly bubbles just burbling along.
She told me this was no good - the nozzle was pointing at my
rectal wall instead of down the chute. As she stood by, I manhandled
the motherfucker, and with a mighty grunt and a break of brow sweat I
drove that sonofabitch HOME.
PLOIK!
YOUCH!
It was IN. My sphincter bit down on it like a cowboy's teeth
on a cigar as a bullet flies into his chest. It was TIGHT.
She fired up the water again. I could hardly feel it going in,
but it sure wasn't going down the drain. Holy crap! I watched the
water level in the cylinder slowly, slowly drop. My anus would
occasionally clench up completely, stopping the downward progress of
the cylinder level. It took all my will to relax just a bit and let a
few dribbles of water in. The nurz was unimpressed. I told her that I
was a type-A personality, and the fact that I actually got the nozzle
two inches up my ass was an accomplishment in itself; if she expected
my to eagerly drink in a gallon of water like bloody Joseph Pujol she
had another thing coming!
She left me to my own devices on her device. I obsessed on the
water cylinder, employing a new form of concentration that I like to
call BioAssFeedback. If I concentrated on relaxing my legs, buttocks
and asshole, I would be rewarded with a drop in the cylinder. If I
clenched up, progress would stop. Thus, I applied feedback to get a
"reward" of water. It worked, in a limited way.
It took about 10 minutes to drain the cylinder. But by then I
started feeling an urge to anally purge. As instructed, I tried to
relax and just let fly into the ass well. With the nozzle still
feeding me, I beared down on my gut and was rewarded with a thin
stream of water. It spurted into the well wall and dripped down my
asscrack. We both looked excitedly into the view pipe! Oh boy! My
first enema poo! Joy! Thrills! Chills! Spills!
It was just...water. Nothing special. Unimpressed, she
refilled the cylinder. Again, I employed BioAssFeedback to get the
water to drain into me. Again, it took forever. But this time the urge
to evacuate became acute. Since she was out of the room for a spell, I
put all I had into it, and was rewarded with a huge splash of
diarrheal water. It burst down into the view pipe with considerable
gusto. The relief was immediate and gratifying.
She came back inside, and for the first time I let loose with
a nice liter of shit as she stood there talking to me. We looked with
rapt attention at the view pipe, and were fully impressed to see a
lovely procession of turdlets wending their way to the sewer. They
were held aloft by a river of water, and I could swear that each one
winked as it passed.
I named the big one Mr. Hankey, the rest of them after country
and western musicians. The nurz thought this was hilarious, and we got
into a conversation wherein I described the ideas from this forum to
stick odd objects up my ass just to freak her out. She shook her head
and smiled, and admitted that it probably would throw her for a loop.
She said she had seen some weird stuff go down the pipe - mostly
blackened clots of decayed fecal matter. But she had never seen a
fishhead or whole candy corns.
This is when things really started getting bizarre. I looked
at the scene from a third person perspective, and this is what I saw:
Ted: "Yeah. I quit smoking a year ago. Feels great. I'm glad I
went through that rough spot."
<SQUIRT! FART! PlbbBbBbBTTtt!!! SkLoOoOoOoshhh!!!>
Her: "Oh, yes. Smoking is just about the most abusive thing
you can do to your body. I'm glad you quit."
Ted: "Yeah. I mean, it's an addictive drug that doesn't even
get you high. All it gives you is short breath and cancer."
<SPLAT! Blut! Blut! SpPploOoOoOoOsh! Fart! Fart!>
Her: "Absolutely. You know, we have a terrific program here
for people to help get them off tobacco and into healthful living."
Ted: "Really? Well, that's just great..."
<FART! Splat! Sploosh! Glug glug! Spiisssssshhhhh! BLAAAT!>
Her: "Oh yeah. We have naturopaths, LMP's...."
<Unnnnh! Unnnnh! Spllloooosh! BlAaAaAaT! Squirt! Squirt!>
...this went on for fifteen minutes. Her refilling the
cylinder, me taking it in, then squirting avalanches of watery turds
and mucus into the view pipe - all during a droll little conversation.
Each large evacuation would grab our interest, and we would lock onto
the view pipe to see What Came Out.
She offered to give me a foot massage, which I eagerly
accepted. She sat at my feet, rubbing my toes, while I pontificated
and burst forth wave after wave of sinewy shits in her direction.
In the end, after the twentieth gallon disappeared up my ass,
I produced nothing but thin streams of whitish bacteria, mucus, air
bubbles and water. I was Clean. I layed there for a minute or two,
expelling the last of the water and pissing down the view pipe.
She left the room, and I sprayed myself off with a hose and
wiped up completely. She came back in and I conducted a quickie audio
interview, then we went into the foyer for digital photos.
She was extremely thrilled to get press, and told me that a
few others had done very well with just small ads in my paper. She
asked to preview my story, which of course I refused. I may be a
goddamn puff piece whore, but I write my OWN dreck. Only my editor
edits. She would have to accept what I wrote, period.
For the record, I plan to write a fairly puffy piece. She was
very kind and thorough, and her NewAge crap was kept to a safe
minimum. She realized the importance of mainstream medicine for truly
debilitating disorders and trauma, so I don't really discount her as a
quack.
But, in the end, all I really got was a very comforting enema.
Enemas were common hygiene practice for centuries, and only recently
have we strayed with colonic health. We all eat crappy foods, and I
think each of us could do worse than to pay someone a bit of money for
a thorough pipe job.
It's worth noting that throughout the process there was little
pain and no odor to speak of. After giving my peristaltic(?) muscles a
serious 40 minute workout, I felt quite...well...drained. It was the
most serious stretch of anal exercise I've ever had.
Of course, I would have preferred to have my Queen, Nurz
Rachet, strap me down and hose me out real good, but we can't have
everything. Some moments are meant to smolder, then burst into flame
at the right time.
With my newly-cleaned and healthy colon, I have time, my sweet
Nurzy....
- TR
- clean as slide whistle.
neppie
>
> With my newly-cleaned and healthy colon, I have time, my sweet
> Nurzy....
>
> - TR
> - clean as slide whistle.
That's really interesting. I have always wanted to have one of those done,
but I don't know of anywhere around here that offers it. I have seen home
kits, but I think it best to have it done by a "professional".
Also, I hear it reaps great benefits, such as (obviously) immediate weight
loss, an uplifting feeling of being "clean" from the inside, and that it
also does great things for the skin and eyes - making them clearer and
brighter. I cringe to think of all the toxins and excess waste I am
carrying around in my intestines. All of that plaque caked in the
crevices...bleh. It must really feel good to get all of that out.
Would you mind elaborating more on how you felt afterward and if you noticed
any effects, for the better or the worse, concerning your skin, eyes,
personality? Any noticeable weight change - even a few pounds? And about
how long do these effects last? Are they relatively short-lived, or do they
last longer than you expect? AND, do you think twice about what you are
putting into your body when you eat, now that you have had this done? Did
you really *want* to eat, and ruin all of the nice clean intestines?
I know this sounds funny, I am sure, but I would like to know if it is
actually worth my effort to seek this "cleansing". If it's a rip, I
probably won't bother, though I think it would be fun to try at least once.
^_^
BTW, aren't you the one that wrote about 'Anal Fissure Bob'? If you are, I
would like to say I was impressed with the way it was written. If you
aren't, then please excuse the mix-up. I don't really come here to post; I
am more of a lurker, so I don't know anyone here.
Flatus M
wrote:
>
> Oooog.
>
Wow. I'm really impressed. That sounds way fun. Wonder how long until
they have colon therapy joints that are really prostitution fronts,
like massage parlors are sometimes? God damn. I want the franchise on
that one! Or just a lifetime pass.
My wife and I have a two-way shower head, with an enema hose on one
side. The head is clear, six inches by maybe three quarters an inch,
with a few openings. We really just use it to clear up the rectum
after a poop before any anal play. We don't get enough out to clog the
shower drain. But then, I never thought to run twenty imperial gallons
through it! (Well, I guess I have now...Fuck me!!!)
Last, as I read this my mind flashed to Sean Connery, as James Bond in
Thunderball. Remember? He was attacked in a spa: they cranked up his
spine-stretchy machine and almost slam-wanked him to death? Well, can
you imagine if they'd done it in the Hydrotherapy room?
A gloved hand reaches through the curtain and turns an oversized knob.
A large dial climbs quickly from 2 to 386 psi, at least 300 into the
red zone. Bond grimaces suddenly, bursts into a sweat. He looks around
frantically as the crisis theme swells on the soundtrack. Contorting
wildly, he manages to cut through the plastic hose with the laser on
his Rolex, just as a fountain of poop erupts from his nose and ears
and between his gritted teeth. There is a huge off-screen sound of
lumpy surf breaking against the treatment room wall, followed by the
wild whipping and spraying of the hose. Somewhere an alarm sounds. As
Bond sags unconscious, hands reach to save him. Fade to the recovery
scene.
Thanks a lot Ted. I may just pull the strainer off the shower stall
drain and give it a go...so to speak.
s...@nls.treetnet
>
> After enduring my insistent bleatings, the editor called me
> into the City Desk and dumped a story on me. It's a puff piece. He
> wants me to write about a local "colon hydrotherapist". (That's a New
> Age term for a nurz who gives you an enema.)
[snip]
Not to insult your common sense, but before writing a piece on any kind of
health therapy, you'd be wise to look up a doctor or 2 (call Proc Docs at the
local hospital). If you're taking a hose up the ass for journalism, you should
dig deeper than usual.
I took a look myself, and the web is swimming with links about it... almost
all of which are selling it and/or lumping it together with Red Flags like
"Alternative" and "Holistic". In fact, if you use the word "holistic" as a
synonym for "bullshit", you get a much clearer picture of general internet
health issues.
After skimming past umpteen new-age quack links, I FINALLY found an article
from a non-involved party... The National Council for Reliable Health
Information. Looky:
-----------------------
Copyright by the National Council Against Health Fraud, 1995. Permission to
reprint is granted with proper citation.
NCAHF Position Paper on Colonic Irrigation
Colonic irrigation (CI) is a procedure in which very large quantities of
liquids are infused into the colon via the rectum through a tube, a few pints at
a time, in an effort to wash away and remove its contents. CI differs from an
ordinary enema which involves infusing a lesser amount of liquid into the
rectum only. A "high colonic" may involve the use of twenty or more gallons
pumped by a machine or transmitted with an apparatus that relies upon gravity to
achieve its purpose. Liquids used in colonics may include coffee, herbs,
enzymes, wheat grass extract, or many other substances. Proponents of the
procedure advertise that "all disease and death begin in the colon," that
colonics "detoxifies" the body, and that regular "cleansing" is necessary to
maintain one's health. None of these claims are true.
The idea that all disease and death begin in the colon is one of the oldest
health misconceptions known to humankind. The ancient Egyptians associated
feces with decay, and decay with death. This caused them to write in ancient
papyri that decay began in the anus. The Egyptians were obsessed with
preserving corpses. Embalmers observed the putrification by bacteria (a normal
process within the intestines after death) and followed the practice of removing
the stomach and intestines as part of the embalming process. One of seven
medical papyri and 81 of 900 prescriptions referred only to the anus.
The connection between food and fecal matter was easily made. Worry about
decay governed daily life. Herodotus noted that "for 3 consecutive days in
every month they purge themselves, pursuing after health by means of emetics and
drenches; for they think that it is from the food they eat that all sicknesses
come to men." Although the more than 700 items in the ancient Egyptian
pharmacopoeia were worthless by modern standards, it did contain many items that
could induce diarrhea (Majno, The Healing Hand, Harvard, 1975)
In the 19th Century, the intestinal toxicity theory became popular. The idea
was that poisons from putrifying intestinal bacteria entered the body through
the gut wall. Constipation was to be avoided. Numerous remedies were advocated
by the health gurus of the day. Yogurt was said to create a friendlier form of
bacteria. Bran was advocated for "roughage" to speed up the elimination
process. The folk saying "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" is rooted in
the idea of increasing roughage. Hydropaths advocated drinking large amounts of
water to wash out the alimentary canal from above. John Harvey Kellogg
performed surgery to reshape the colon for more rapid elimination. The laxative
industry grew prosperous on the idea of bowel "regularity."
Today we understand more clearly the importance of dietary fiber, hydration,
and so forth. Medical scientists also know that these have nothing to do with
intestinal toxicity. Early in this century a medical researcher produced all of
the symptoms of constipation (dry mouth, lethargy, etc.) by packing the rectum
with sterile cotton. Studies done in the 1920s found that "high colonic
irrigations" were useless and did not reach very high even when fairly long
tubes were employed (Snyder, Americal Journal Roentgenol & Radiation Therapy,
1927; 17:27-43). Studies in the 1930s found that colonic irrigation was
contraindicated for treating ulcerative colitis, an intestinal disorder which
did permit bacterial contamination of body through the gut wall.
In 1985, the Infectious Disease Branch of the California Department of Health
Services stated that "neither physicians nor chiropractors should be performing
colonic irrigations. We are not aware of any scientifically proven health
benefit of this procedure, yet we are well aware of its hazards." (Kizer, 1985)
Hazards include illness and death by contamination of colonics equipment (Istre,
1982); death by electrolyte depletion (Eisele, 1980), (Ballentine, 1981). In
addition to the physiological upsets, the colonic apparatus can perforate the
intestinal wall leading to septicemia (bacterial contamination of the blood), a
very serious disorder.
Colonics is popular as a health fetish. The ideas of "cleansing" and
"detoxification" have no physiological significance, but these do have emotional
meaning to people who believe themselves to be "unclean" or "impure" in some
way. Just as the ancient Egyptians did, health neurotics may temporarily
relieve their health anxieties by colonics, laxatives, and purges. Colonics
also has erotic appeal to some. A substantial amount of colonic product
marketing is aimed at male homosexuals. Colonics is often done in massage
parlors that serve erotic desires. Colonics can be a kind of "Dr. Feelgood
quackery" (i.e., a procedure that elicits a feeling in a patient which is
interpreted as beneficial).
A 1991 survey by the Wisconsin Board of Physician Quality Assurance found that
colonic irrigation is poorly regulated. Thirty state boards of medical
examiners and six boards of osteopathic medicine responded to a mail survey.
Only 11 of the 36 considered colonic irrigation to be "the practice of medicine"
meaning that they could regulate its practice as such. The others either had no
position or made vague comments. Examining boards may discipline those they
license for unprofessional conduct, and/or file charges against nonlicensed
people who engage in the activities defined by law as within their governance.
Some boards do not do the latter. They expect justice departments to prosecute
imposture as fraud. The lack of attention often provides a gap within which
practices such as colonic irrigation can flourish.
NCAHF agrees with the assessment of the California Department of Health
Services. Colonics has no real health benefits, but does have a number of
serious hazards. Consumers should not use colonics, and should avoid
patronizing practitioners who employ this procedure. Practitioners who use
colonics are either too ignorant or misguided to be entrusted with delivering
health services.
References
Kizer, "The Case Against Colonic Irrigation," California Morbidity #38,
September 27, 1985.
Martin, "Fatal Poisoning from Sodium Phosphate Enema." JAMA, 1987;
257:2190-2.
Deutsch, "Life Along the Alimentary Canal," New Nuts Among the Berries
(Bull, 1977) 83-6 (Describes the popularity of the intestinal toxicity theory
during the 19th Century)
Ballentine, "The Doctor is In - - Jail", FDA Consumer, October 1981, 30-1.
Eisele, "Deaths Related to Coffee Enemas," JAMA, 1980; 244: 1608-9
"An Outbreak of Amebiasis Spread by Colonic Irrigation at a Chiropractic
Clinic," New England Journal of Medicine, 1982; 307:339-42.
Franklin, "Questions and Answers: Colonic Irrigation," JAMA 1981; 246:2869
(References three major gastroenterology textbooks which "reveal no mention of
colon irrigation as a therapeutic technique in colon disease."
DeHoff, "Colonic Irrigation and Practice of medicine," Wisconsin Board of
Physician Quality Assurance, 1991.
PROPONENT LITERATURE
A Major Step Toward Your Total Health Program (Marina Holistic Center)
circa 1985
Enemas: Colon Hygiene for Health, Proper Sexual Functioning, and Advanced
Spiritual Awareness (Perkins) 1986
Can We Talk??? About Colonics??? (The Colonic Center) undated, circa 1985.
Death-Disease and the Colon! (Wittkopf Chiropractic Clinics) circa 1986
Health Begins in the Colon! (North Hollywood Holistic Health Care
Center-John Luly, DC)
-----------------------
There ya go... I'd look further, but I'm not leafing through the JAMA unless
*I'm* getting paid as well.
ObT: Read the above article. Wish I could get more info on the mystic Egyptian
Ass Scrolls... never saw those in National Geographic.
--
Rev. Syd Midnight - Remove TREET from address to reply
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the
complete works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not
true." -- Robert Wilensky
Carol Anne
<388c7ed4.7315659@news>...
>
> Oooog.
I found this story FASCINATING! Imagine how clean this man's colon feels
now that he has properly ministered to it. Imagine how wonderful it must
feel to go through a day feeling entirely "clean" and "fartless". Oh, how
I
envy him.
He was quite detailed in his description and, for that, I thank him. I
especially liked his description of the effluent as "turdlets".
Quite humorous and "very" educational...keep 'em coming!
C.A.
Citizen Ted
> Not to insult your common sense, but before writing a piece on any kind of
>health therapy, you'd be wise to look up a doctor or 2 (call Proc Docs at the
>local hospital). If you're taking a hose up the ass for journalism, you should
>dig deeper than usual.
> I took a look myself, and the web is swimming with links about it... almost
>all of which are selling it and/or lumping it together with Red Flags like
>"Alternative" and "Holistic". In fact, if you use the word "holistic" as a
>synonym for "bullshit", you get a much clearer picture of general internet
>health issues.
If you may recall, I did write in my story:
--------------------------------------------------------------
We sat down for a little chat in her clean and well-appointed
office. She asked me the usual questions about my disease history,
then segued into the standard battery of NewAgey questions about my
"wellness": my diet, exercise and daily intake of fennel and echinacea
extracts.
She gave me the usual rigmarole about "toxins" and how every
bulge in the colon relates to every part of your body - kinda like
phrenology of the asspipe. A real load of hooey, but I just smiled and
nodded. No point in angering the woman with the tube in her hand,
right?
------------------------------------------------------------------
> After skimming past umpteen new-age quack links, I FINALLY found an article
>from a non-involved party... The National Council for Reliable Health
>Information. Looky:
<snip>
Oh, yes. I am fully aware of the fraudulent claims made by
NewAge "alternative" health practitioners (inc chiropractors), whose
similar claims that "all disease begins in the
colon/back/feet/pancreas/skin/etc" are complete hogwash. Furthermore,
as a regular reader of Skeptic and Skeptical Inquirer, I am aware of
the dangers associated with alternative therapies, inc. infection via
unsterilized equipment, incorrect diagnosis of serious disorders and
the omission of practical medical help because some NewAge quack
theory that claims We Can Fix It.
I entered this thing with my eyes wide open. I watched the
procedures carefully. I was given a sealed, sterilized tube up my ass,
which I inserted myself. The equipment was impeccably clean and
well-maintained. It was far more sterile an environment than hanging
an enema bag in my filthy shower stall, letmetellya.
I am a perfectly healthy adult. I had little to lose by having
water squirted up my ass. I had never had anything like that done
before, and I do think it's a good idea to have an occasional enema.
Glub knows our society could use it!
I also have done a skeptical study of colon hydrotherapy.
<BTW: thanx for that article - I hadn't seen it before...er....found
it yet>.
I also concluded that it has no practical benefits outside its
hygenic qualities, and is surely unsafe if used as a replacement for
medical care when suffering from a serious ailment.
I plan to write an article describing (in less tasteless
terms) my experience, and the claims of colon hydrotherapy, followed
by a criticism of the practice and of alternative therapies in
general.
Of course, that would be the death knell for my story; our
newspaper depends heavily on massage therapists and NewAge quack
advertising dollars. If the story was published, I would immediately
be demonized by the entire hippie populace of the city. This is
nothing new, as my defense of the local newsstand for selling _Answer
Me!_ magazine has already made me persona-non-grata in many circles.
We shall see. The editor of the paper is a good friend. He is
also a progressive-type and a skeptic, and knows what the score is
inre quackery. But he also runs a newspaper.
Is not my ass something to put on the line?
- TR
- Ass Wars: The Armies Gather
Citizen Ted
wrote:
>It must really feel good to get all of that out.
>Would you mind elaborating more on how you felt afterward and if you noticed
>any effects, for the better or the worse, concerning your skin, eyes,
>personality?
Well, afterward I felt woozy and nauseous from a loss of
electrolytes. I was given a tall glass of electrolyte stuff with
bacteria in it to replenish what I had lost, but it didn't really
help.
> Any noticeable weight change - even a few pounds?
I checked. My weight loss was approximately zero.
>And about
>how long do these effects last? Are they relatively short-lived, or do they
>last longer than you expect?
I felt pretty weak most of the day. Around 8pm I went out for
a few beers and some pool, and by then I felt fine.
> AND, do you think twice about what you are
>putting into your body when you eat, now that you have had this done?
I try to watch what I eat anyway. I'd already sworn off
sugary, processed crap and eat mainly proteins, veggies and fruits. I
plan no changes.
>Did
>you really *want* to eat, and ruin all of the nice clean intestines?
Glub no. I lunch ate immediately afterward (turkey sandwich),
then had a nice pork steak with steamed summer squash and onions for
dinner. It was tasty.
>I know this sounds funny, I am sure, but I would like to know if it is
>actually worth my effort to seek this "cleansing".
Since it was free, yes, it was worth it. I received absolutely
no health benefits from it, but I had always wondered what an enema
was like, and now I know. But I would not have paid one thin dime for
this crap.
>If it's a rip, I
>probably won't bother, though I think it would be fun to try at least once.
Well, there you go. My sentiments exactly.
>BTW, aren't you the one that wrote about 'Anal Fissure Bob'?
No.
He has things REMOVED from his ass. I have them squirted UP
there...
- TR
- Mr. Helpful.
ObT: The fact that my asspipe was as clean as it will ever be,
and there was no one around to give me a rim job! It's really, really
sad....I've never felt so alone...<snif!>
MikeM
(Citizen Ted) wrote:
> Oh, yes. I am fully aware of the fraudulent claims made by
>NewAge "alternative" health practitioners (inc chiropractors)
Of course, these days things have gotten so stupid that
chiropractic is considered *traditional* medicine.
I was at a party last night, trying to stir up trouble, and
I mentioned to one of the quests that the legislature in his
home state (New Jersey) had decreed that his alma mater, a
respected medical school, award Doctor of Osteopathy
degrees.
He didn't know this.
He proceded to vent on chiropractors in a way that only a
half in the bag MD can. At first a couple of folks in the
crowd were eager to give testamonials about what wonderful
things their chiropractor had done for them, but they
quickly realized they'd sound like idiots and slunk away.
I just cracked open another beer and watched the show.
MikeM
ObT: Those quacks can't prove they provide anything more
than a massage, but they sure can lobby. That means I now
get to pay for some old idiot to get chiropractic
"treatment" on medicaid.
"Doctor", I said through gritted teeth, "it's the only
house at the end of the cul-de-sac."
-- Annie M Benson, explaining to her crotch doctor how
to find her cervix
NurzRachet
<snip story of Ted's Ass which had me all hot, wet, panting, depanting,
and horny until I got to this part...>
> Thus, I was relieved by what I would be shoving up my ass...
Wha...? What *you* would be shoving up your ass? WTF?
No, no, no! I wanna read how she had you blindfolded and strapped down
to the table, your legs secured with duct tape into cold metal stirrups,
the clanging of instruments causing you to jump as you anticipated the
impending assault!
I want to read about how the cold metal speculum made you shiver and
caused the TedChoad to seek shelter. How about your nurz? You mean she
didn't once whisper into your ear, "Not yet Teddy, you're not in enough
pain..." Shit!
<sigh>
> But, in the end, all I really got was a very comforting enema.
You got it in the end, all right. But if it was comforting, it wasn't
done right, was it?
> Of course, I would have preferred to have my Queen, Nurz
> Rachet, strap me down and hose me out real good, but we can't have
> everything.
Yeah, right. Just like the first time me 'n Vomit did the rough and
tumble -- beforehand we had nasty phone sex and he told me that nothing
was too bizarre for him -- but he quickly changed his tune when he saw
just how bizarre I could be. Ever since then he sleeps with one eye
open (heh heh) and his hands over his dick.
> Some moments are meant to smolder, then burst into flame at the right time.
You want to light farts?
> With my newly-cleaned and healthy colon, I have time, my sweet
> Nurzy....
Concrete enema, anyone?
Nurzy
Sharv
> Oooog.
Fuck me if that's not the funniest thing I've read here in ages. Take
note, all ye clueless newbs and wannabes - this is How It's Done.
Well-written, proper spelling and grammar throughout, equal parts horror,
comedy, and morbid fascination. Kudos, Tedsky, for a job well done. We
appreciate the service of your asshole in the line of duty. I can't wait
to see how the mainstream press article compares to this one.
My own sole enema story pales compared to this one. It was delivered,
unromantically and without benefit of all the high-tech equipment Ted
describes, in the tiny john of my hospital room before back surgery. A
cute nurz and a quantity of warm, soapy-smelling water. And me, 17 years
old and scared shitless (ha!) about going under the knife. Needless to
say, the memory of the enema is imprinted right next to the memories for
double IVs, being put under, and four day's worth of hospital food. Never
felt an urge to revisit the enema concept - hardly a wonder why.
-Sharv
ObT: On the second day in the hospital, the guy from the medical supply
place came to fit me for my back brace. This essentially involved being
strapped into a white harness that ran from sternum to asscrack, with two
large metal bars down the back. The brace-fitter used a variety of tools
to bend the metal bars to shape the contour of my back, then placed his
knee on my chest (I swear that's what it seemed like) and laced me up
tight like a Victorian hooker in a corset. Owing to the confusion of
memory during traumatic situations coupled with the passage of nearly half
my life, I swear this guy was Oddjob, the massive Hawaiian with the deadly
hat from "Goldfinger". That's how I remember it, so that's how it
happened.
--
"I'm of the opinion that the majority of people in this country would
happily ignore Jews being herded into gas chambers as long as the TV
cable wasn't interrupted."
-- Ken Strayhorn
Jeff Justin
>
===snippola===
> home state (New Jersey) had decreed that his alma mater, a
> respected medical school, award Doctor of Osteopathy
> degrees.
>
> He didn't know this.
>
> He proceded to vent on chiropractors in a way that only a
> half in the bag MD can. At first a couple of folks in the
===snippola===
Uh, Mike...DO's (Doctors of Osteopathy) ain't anywhere close
to being chiropractors. Totally different beasties, they
is. DO's can practice in the far flung corners of this here
country just like MD's. Many years ago the MD's and the AMA
fought toof 'n wallet against the DO competition, but in
modern times they've kissed and made up and have decided
there are more than enough patients to fleece, er treat for
all of 'em to make a good living. Chiro's go to a school of
Chiropracty, and depending on the state, their scope of
practice is anywhere from much less than an MD/DO to a whole
lot less than than the aforementioned.
Cheers
Jeff Justin
ObT: Chiropractors prescribing treatments as a part of a
"package deal". "Well, I can give you ten lumbar
realignment and hot pack treatments for only $55 each, if
you sign up for our "Spring Special"." "But what if I feel
better after three weeks?" "Just think of how much better
you'll feel after ten weeks, son."
-----------== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News ==----------
http://www.newsfeeds.com The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!
------== Over 73,000 Newsgroups - Including Dedicated Binaries Servers ==-----
A.Lizard
<jeffj...@newsfeeds.com> wrote:
While I do not believe the chiropractic treatment model that says
basically most health problems are due to spinal misalignment
(why not? because it's bloody ridiculous) and it's unlikely I'm
ever going to schedule a series of visits to one, at the very
least, the profound feeling of subjective comfort that follows
that series of pops, crackles, and solid cracking sounds that
follow a chiropractor's spinal manipulation is worth a visit once
in a long while.
In other words, my experience with them in terms of making my
back feel better and my ability to bend in various directions
improving has been very, very good.
A.Lizard
************************************************************************
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Find out what I think of the Littleton school killings at:
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************************************************************************
MikeM
<jeffj...@newsfeeds.com> wrote:
>Uh, Mike...DO's (Doctors of Osteopathy) ain't anywhere close
>to being chiropractors. Totally different beasties, they
>is.
So what exactly is the difference between an MD and a DO?
I've always been under the impression that a DO is going to
try to align your bones or in some other way wave his hands
over you while spouting mumbo jumbo. But I could be wrong.
Sure as shit wouldn't be the first time.
What exactly is the difference between a DO and a
chiropractor? Other than the fact that one of them has a
good track record of successfully lobbying for
respectability...
MikeM
ObT: Insisting on checking the cleanliness of your colon
during a "high colonic" by sampling the herbal water that's
expelled.
William Hamblen
>I was at a party last night, trying to stir up trouble, and
>I mentioned to one of the quests that the legislature in his
>home state (New Jersey) had decreed that his alma mater, a
>respected medical school, award Doctor of Osteopathy
>degrees.
Osteopaths take the regular medical course and there's scarcely any
difference between an osteopathic doctor and a regular MD. Both kill
their victims one at a time.
Bill
> There's a long and rich history of medical quackery (including most of
> the history of "official" medicine, of course), combined with vicious
> turf wars between the various species of sawbones (mostly in order to
> capture market share).
You have addressed the quacks of alternative medicine but lets compare some
of the medications. The AMA has condemned virtually any solution that did
come from the pharmaceutical companies that pay for all the AMA research.
The thing that can be said for all the vitamins and supplements on the market
is that they are safe. The pharmaceutical industry can't make that claim. A
new
drug is tested on 400 to 600 people usually for a max of 6 months in a double
blind test. The industry argues that none of the alternative medicines have
been
through double blind testing. No, but most of them have been tested by 10's of
millions of people around the world for years. I will certainly not rule out
the
use of pharmaceuticals when I am sick but on the other hand I think there are
many solutions available in alternative medicines.
Felis Concolor
s...@nls.treetnet writes (about colonic irrigation):
> I took a look myself, and the web is swimming with links about it... almost
>all of which are selling it and/or lumping it together with Red Flags like
>"Alternative" and "Holistic". In fact, if you use the word "holistic" as a
>synonym for "bullshit", you get a much clearer picture of general internet
>health issues.
> After skimming past umpteen new-age quack links, I FINALLY found an article
>from a non-involved party... The National Council for Reliable Health
>Information. Looky:
<article hosed down the drain>
For more on colonic irrigation, read:
http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/gastro.html
Quackwatch also has articles on dozens of different health frauds.
Lenore Levine
--
"Well, Lenore, if you weren't being sarcastic about the zucchinis then you're a
pedophile c_nt and I hope you rot in hell and get locked up for a good long
time. Have a nice weekend!" -- aogi...@my-dejanews.com
The Carrot
>Wow. I'm really impressed.
So was I. It's not every day that someone has a total stranger flush their
colon out with 20 gallons of water in a questionable medical procedure
and then let thousands of other strangers in on the details. But what the
hell, it's AT, right?
Ted, are you planning on partaking in any other medical quackery? Maybe
a steady diet of laetrile combined with megadoses of vitamins? "Hardening"
your immune system through exposure to radioactive materials? Bee sting
therapy? High altitude survival experiments in the chamber at Dachau?
ObT: Once again I find myself in the position of having willingly eaten an insect,
in this case a mealworm.
I bought a small container of them to feed to my firebellied newt while he's in
his terrestrial phase. I put my dinner, a salad, on the counter while I opened
the plastic container the mealworms are shipped in, fumbled it open, and
a mealworm (along with a few flakes of the the bran meal that was in the
container as a food source for the bugs) fell into my salad.
My friend Big Chris was over the house and saw the mealworm (actually a
beetle larva) fall into my dinner.
"Oh, shit, you got a bug in your salad."
I've eaten insects willingly. Stir-fried locusts that an anthropologist girlfriend
cooked, big black ants that I caught and ate with my Army Ranger friend Rex,
and I once ate an escaped cricket that had the misfortune to find itself on
my breakfast pastry and in the microwave. Yumm...
And now I had a bug in my salad. There was only one thing to do, really.
I reached down, removed the offending invertebrate with my fingers and popped it
into my mouth. I could feel it wiggling around on my tongue and when I pressed it
against the roof of my mouth the worm really started squirming around. It tasted
somewhat sweet, but that could have been from the bran packing.
Big Chris stood there watching me carefully, not really gagging but unlikely to
reach into the mealworm container and try one himself.
Although I was curious about what it would taste like if I crunched the mealworm
between my teeth, I was more curious about what it would feel like to have something
wiggling around in my stomach, so I swallowed the mealworm whole. Because I
swallowed it dry I had the odd sensation that it was stuck in my throat and trying to
climb back up, like a spider caught in the drain. I swallowed again and down it went.
I was disappointed when I couldn't feel any movement whatsoever in my stomach. All in
all, kind of an anti-climax.
Before I ate the rest of my salad I carefully removed the bran flakes; eating those would be
downright disgusting.
- The Carrot
Citizen Ted
>Ted, are you planning on partaking in any other medical quackery? Maybe
>a steady diet of laetrile combined with megadoses of vitamins? "Hardening"
>your immune system through exposure to radioactive materials? Bee sting
>therapy? High altitude survival experiments in the chamber at Dachau?
Fuck no. The only reason I had even a remote interest in this
particular quackery was because it is so damn disgusting and bizarre,
and would hopefully impress the living shit out of my Queen, Nurz
Rachet. Additionally, I had always wondered if enemas were any damn
good. (Conclusion: enemas clean out your colon. The end.)
Living here in Bellingham, I have access to a wide range of
touchy-feely NewAge tripe. I don't indulge because I'm a man of
Science who prefers the baser things in life. Give me plates of meat,
semi-automatic handguns and loose blonds. You can keep your lentil
muffins, room-temperature cider and 40-something feminist poets.
In point of fact, I'd be willing to bet that per capita we
topple San Francisco as the post-hippie NewAge nonsense capital of
America.
This is a good thing and a bad thing.
Bad: town teeming with dirty, smelly hippies. Must suffer the
mewlings of NewAge weenies on a daily basis. Intelligent conversations
limited to left-wing academic topics only.
Good: Lots of excellent marijuana everywhere. Scores and
scores of sexy young hippie girls in patterned dresses with sun
tattoos on their ankles, all of whom will fuck you as long as you can
accept their armpit hair.
Life is give and take. Bellingham strikes a nice balance for
me. And besides, anywhere I go is the place to be.
>ObT: Once again I find myself in the position of having willingly eaten an insect,
>in this case a mealworm.
Ate a beetle larva in grammar school in an attempt to subvert
a science lesson. Rather than wait weeks for it to pupate and emerge,
I ate it.
Experiment over.
I was rewarded with a new larva, and a good look into the box
that held thousands of them.
Science went on.
- TR
- a Man of Science.
GRay
Dude, you have a pair, I gotta admit. I was warned to kill mealworms
before feeding them to my Bearded Dragons as the powerful mandibles on
the insects were reputed to chew their way out of the lizards.
Keep us posted, okies?
--
GRay-
Take out the trash for mail.
"Welcome to alt-dot-fucking-peeves, where nastiness and personal
attacks are ALWAYS on-topic." G. Belton
Ostrich! <)
>
> Fuck no. The only reason I had even a remote interest in this
> particular quackery was because it is so damn disgusting and bizarre,
> and would hopefully impress the living shit out of my Queen, Nurz
> Rachet.
>
What about giving urine drinking a try? That's a disgusting
and bizarre bit of New Age quackery. Hell, it might even impress
the chicks too. I think I've heard it said that Ghandi drank urine,
so you're bound to score some points there with all the little hippie
chicks, and because it's ostensibly a health conscious thing to do,
perhaps the Nurz will be impressed with you as well. Best of all,
it's free.
ObJournalism: The thought of folx all over Bellingham opening
their Sunday papers, and turning first to the Citizen Ted column to
see what he's tried *now*. A man could make a name for himself
that way.
-Ostrich! <")
JimD.
>
> Squeaky Clean Citizen Ted wrote:
>
> <snip story of Ted's Ass which had me all hot, wet, panting, depanting,
> and horny until I got to this part...>
>
> > Thus, I was relieved by what I would be shoving up my ass...
>
> Wha...? What *you* would be shoving up your ass? WTF?
>
> No, no, no! I wanna read how she had you blindfolded and strapped down
> to the table, your legs secured with duct tape into cold metal stirrups,
> the clanging of instruments causing you to jump as you anticipated the
> impending assault!
>
> I want to read about how the cold metal speculum made you shiver and
> caused the TedChoad to seek shelter. How about your nurz? You mean she
> didn't once whisper into your ear, "Not yet Teddy, you're not in enough
> pain..." Shit!
>
> <sigh>
>
>
> done right, was it?
>
> > Rachet, strap me down and hose me out real good, but we can't have
> > everything.
>
> tumble -- beforehand we had nasty phone sex and he told me that nothing
> was too bizarre for him -- but he quickly changed his tune when he saw
> just how bizarre I could be. Ever since then he sleeps with one eye
> open (heh heh) and his hands over his dick.
>
>
>
> > Nurzy....
>
>
> Nurzy
J Christ, Deep fried like a pronto-pup. WTF it going on in this group?
I drink a case-o-piswassa and blurt out that I like a kinder and
gentler AT. Then, Ted gets his asshole reamed with a aqua-flush
by a acknowledged quack and accepts it?!? Clueless fuckers chime
in with their PC new-age quack spewage. I'm ready to fucking loose
my lunch. It's gotta be y2k dementia. Clue bat, I'm ready!
JimD.
Fred
spree at a local carnival one year.
The little hick town I grew up in and had the ob carnival every year and
with it came the ob goldfish game. Every year kids would line up to throw
ping pong balls into small goldfish bowls for the opportunity to carry
around a goldfish in a plastic bag for the rest of the evening. Effectively
ruining the rest of your night because you were continually trying to find a
place to put the fucking thing while you wanted to do something else. A lot
of them just ended up on the ground to die in their little plastic bags,
some kids would take them down to a nearby creek and let them go, only to be
eaten by the giant carp that already lived there.
One of my friends little brothers was in this situation and needed a way
out. Someone suggested he eat it, he balked at this thought immediately.
Then the bargaining began, offers of a dollar or two, worked their way up to
$10, at ten I figured what the hell, how bad could it be, I blurted out
"I'll eat it." It was on.
I grabbed the bag and poked a hole in the top to drain the water, no problem
eating the fish but I didn't want to drink the water filled with goldfish
shit.
I emptied the bag of it's contents leaving just the squirming goldfish at
the bottom. I grabbed it by it's tail and made a big show of holding it
above my mouth while it flopped around between my fingers. I let go and
swallowed the thing whole, just slid right down, other than feeling like a
scale was caught in my throat it was nothing more than eating an oyster.
That's what everyone else thought too. They grudgingly gave me my ten bucks,
but they wanted more. one friend came up with the next level, $10 bucks, 3
goldfish in a hotdog bun, they had to hear the crunch as I bit through.
Needless to say $10 was not enough for that feat. The dollar figure climbed
up to $38 and stopped. That would be enough. We harassed 3 kids for their
goldfish with promises that they could watch the demise of goldy.
We got the 3 goldfish and bought a hotdog so we had the necessary bun. I
lined the bun with the goldfish head to tail along the whole length. The
details of the bet stipulated that 3 distinct crunches must be heard by the
2 designated listeners positioned on either side of me. I tore off a clump
of the hotdog bun because I wanted to make sure that the noise wasn't
muffled, leaving just enough bun to hold the fish in place. Bite #1 just
behind the head of the first goldfish, the satisfying crunch was clear to
both listeners and a few others very close, I felt a little liquid burst
from the fish but it was quickly absorbed by the bun, this was gonna be
easy.
Bite #2 Mistake bite, I hit the middle of goldfish 2 and felt it's little
fish guts squirt into my mouth, the taste was hideous, shit flavored dirt is
the only way to describe it. It had a grainy quality the stuck around in my
teeth for a while, man the vomit was brimming. I gagged it down and was
informed I only had one crunch to go, that one was a beauty. I looked into
the bun and was faced with one whole goldfish and half of another including
the head. The heads were the source of real crunch. I sized up the remaining
bun and placed my mouth around it, positioning my teeth right above the head
of the halved goldfish. I bit down hard and the sound of goldfish head be
split in half resounded in my ears, a collective groan came up from people
close enough to hear. I could feel the fractured head scraping against my
throat as I swallowed it. I went for the climax, I pulled the remaining
untouched fish from the bun and popped it into my mouth, I bit it in half
swallowed part and spit the head out on the ground like a cherry pit. People
started handing me money and walking away in disgust, I got a few pats on
the back from some close friends and a "your one sick fuck" or two and it
was over. I walked away from the scene, I could still feel the scale caught
in my throat, what a night.
Fred
>
> ObT: Once again I find myself in the position of having willingly eaten an
insect,
> in this case a mealworm.
Snip
MikeM
<Bill....@erols.com> wrote:
> The industry argues that none of the alternative medicines have
>been
>through double blind testing. No, but most of them have been tested by 10's of
>millions of people around the world for years.
All that proves is that they probably won't kill you. Won't
do a damn thing for you, but they probably won't kill you.
That won't stop your local vitamin pusher from telling you
they'll cure everything from the vapors to cancer.
> I will certainly not rule out the
>use of pharmaceuticals when I am sick but on the other hand I think there are
>many solutions available in alternative medicines.
Solutions for what? If they were truly solutions their
effects could be quantified, objectively observed, and
reproducible. If they're not, all you're getting is a big
dollop of wishful thinking and placebo effect.
MikeM
ObThanks: To all who recommended the Flashman books. Good
stuff.
Sharv
> He wasn't Hawaiian. Nisei, lived in Portland. Name of Haru Susaki,
> was on the local wrestling circuit.
Man, the shit you can find on the web these days.
(http://www.what-a-character.com/cgi-bin/display.cgi?id=SakataH)
--- pasted, you can thank me later for cleaning up the formatting ---
Harold Sakata
Born in Hawaii/USA
July 1, 1920
Real Name: Toshiyuki Sakata
Died: July 29,1982
(cancer)
James Bond fans will instantly recognize Harold Sakata as hat throwing Odd
Job from Goldfinger. Born Toshiyuki Sakata in Hawaii, Japanese-American
Sakata was a star athlete who won a silver medal in the light heavyweight
weightlifting division at the 1948 summer Olympics in London. He was a
professional wrestler under the name Tosh Togo before he took up acting
using the name Harold Sakata.
--- end included text ---
So, Unc, I guess we'll both agree to being half-right. Good enough for
me.
-Sharv
ObT: Became a statistic last night. Inflicted upon myself one of the
purportedly most common household injuries: a nice deep, straight cut
across the palm of my hand while slicing _through_ a bagel with a large
serrated bread knife. I blame Steve Forbes for this, since it was because
I wanted to hear what he was blathering about during the Iowa caucus and
stopped paying attention to what I was doing, namely slicing a canyon into
my left hand. No stitches (yet, anyway) and the bleeding has stopped.
Got a mess of tape holding gauze and Band-aids in place, typing with my
right hand and left middle finger only. I'm expecting a clean straight
scar which ought to confuse the hell out of the palm reader next time I
go.
--
"It's survival of the fittest, Max, and we've got the fucking gun."
-- Marcy Dawson (Pamela Hart), "Pi"
A.Lizard
ginny_...@unforgettable.com (JustmeŽ) wrote:
>I saw this stuff written by bush...@hotmail.com in article
><388da90c...@news.gte.net>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
>> On Mon, 24 Jan 2000 22:23:53 -0500, Bill
>> <Bill....@erols.com> wrote:
>>
>> > The industry argues that none of the alternative medicines have
>> >been
>> >through double blind testing. No, but most of them have been tested by 10's of
>> >millions of people around the world for years.
>>
>> All that proves is that they probably won't kill you. Won't
>> do a damn thing for you, but they probably won't kill you.
>
>Well, there's some weird mushroom juice that folks with MS have tried, that
>apparently _did_ kill one or two of them, and I often wonder how many people
>submit to bee sting 'therapy' only to discover that they are allergic to bee
>stings.
>
>In the 6 years since diagnosis, I've been told to get all of my fillings pulled
>out of my teeth, have enemas, try chelation therapy, take blue/green algae, eat
>fuckin' _pine bark_, drink various kinds of oil,
Hint: If you are offered oil to drink out of a container that has
the arcane letters SAE followed by a number in a prominent
location, DON'T.
>and once I was given a trial
>sample of a "cure" that listed it's main ingredient as blackstrap molasses.
>
>That's right, kids; blackstrap molasses cures MS. Who'da thunk!
>
>I'd found sites on the `net a few years ago, that will sell me vitamins with my
>own labels on them. With them, I can make almost whatever health claim that I
>want, and sell them as a "therapy".
You might want to look again for them. There are a lot more
WebTVers and AOLers out here than there used to be.
>I knew a chiropractor who wanted to cure me, even after I showed him an article
>regarding a study that said manipulation of the spine can make MS _worse_ (the
>increased flow of cerebrospinal fluid can be a Bad Thing to an MS patient). I
>knew a woman who was positive that MS was a side effect of some deep spiritual
>problem manifesting itself as disease.
>
>I also knew my neurologist, who gave me a prescription for interferon treatment
>that actually put me in remission.
>
>I am a Woman of Science. I listen only to hard-core proof. The rest of it is
>bullshit.
Better to read the proof. There are several medical database
links including MEDLINE on this part of my site:
http://www.ecis.com/~alizard/index1.html#med
>And again, I state: no one's putting anything up my ass unless they buy me
>dinner first.
>
Sounds fair to me. What do you like to eat?
Bill
> > The AMA has condemned virtually any solution that did come from the
> > pharmaceutical companies that pay for all the AMA research. The thing that
> > can be said for all the vitamins and supplements on the market is that they are
> > safe.
>
> Taint necessarily so. If a vitamin complex contains animal products, there is a
> chance that it contains prions, the nigh-indestructible little particles that
> cause Mad Cow Disease and other ailments that can turn you into a gibbering
> tard. Vineland Repatriate warned about this danger about a year ago.
Somewhere along the way, I failed to make the point of the argument. About
87% of the world's population lives by virtue of folk remedies rather than
the wonders of the pharmaceutical industry. They may not get over a cold
as fast as you and I, they may not be immunized against the flu and you and
I, they may have to eat a diet that does not cause them to have stomach distress
and thus take all the wonders remedies that you and I take, but somehow they
manage to live with out the AMA and the owners of the AMA providing all
those wonderful drugs like Propulsid that has been tested in double blind
studies for four or five days at least.
Ace Lightning
>Somewhere along the way, I failed to make the point of the argument. About
>87% of the world's population lives by virtue of folk remedies rather than
>the wonders of the pharmaceutical industry. They may not get over a cold
>as fast as you and I, they may not be immunized against the flu and you and
>I, they may have to eat a diet that does not cause them to have stomach distress
>and thus take all the wonders remedies that you and I take
...and they die of cholera, pneumonia, measles, and
other diseases that either don't even exist in our
society, or are simply and easily treatable. or they
die of "old age" in their forties. ah, yes, let's
return to the simple folk wisdom of our ancestors...
A. Sears
>
> Somewhere along the way, I failed to make the point of the argument. About
> 87% of the world's population lives by virtue of folk remedies rather than
> the wonders of the pharmaceutical industry.
That's right, Bill. And if you hop on over to the CIA World Factbook
and compare some of those Noble Indigenous Cultures' life expectancy and
infant mortality rates against those of the civilized world, well ...
"QE Fuckin' D" (tm Vinnie) is about the only way to put it.
MikeM
wrote:
>Somewhere along the way, I failed to make the point of the argument. About
>87% of the world's population lives by virtue of folk remedies rather than
>the wonders of the pharmaceutical industry.
You might want to keep trying. That most people live by virtue of
folk remedies is not proof that folk remedies are effective. Or that
western medicine is ineffective.
I'm sure the AMA and your MD would be pleased as punch to provide you
with information on a "diet that does not cause...stomach distress."
The notion that the AMA, the drug companies, and the FDA are somehow
in cahoots to supress alternative medicine and keep people popping
pills is nothing more than propaganda from the AM industry.
MikeM
ObPotentialT: I was digging a hole for my key lime tree in the back
yard when I hit an extremely difficult root. I kept chopping at it
until I realized it was a two inch PVC pipe leading in the direction
of the septic tank. I'm not sure what it's for, but I creased the
piss out of it. I did what any lazy slob would do -- I filled the
hole back in and crossed my fingers.
GRay
(M.S. quackery)
> In the 6 years since diagnosis, I've been told to get all of my fillings pulled
> out of my teeth, have enemas, try chelation therapy, take blue/green algae, eat
> fuckin' _pine bark_, drink various kinds of oil, and once I was given a trial
> sample of a "cure" that listed it's main ingredient as blackstrap molasses.
>
> That's right, kids; blackstrap molasses cures MS. Who'da thunk!
Only blackstrap molasses *I* want is fermented and distilled into Rum in
the Islands.
<<El snip>>
> I am a Woman of Science. I listen only to hard-core proof. The rest of it is
> bullshit.
>
> And again, I state: no one's putting anything up my ass unless they buy me
> dinner first.
>
Steak or seafood?
--
GRay-"Got Ginny's *hard* right here..."
GRay
>
> ObPotentialT: I was digging a hole for my key lime tree in the back
> yard when I hit an extremely difficult root. I kept chopping at it
> until I realized it was a two inch PVC pipe leading in the direction
> of the septic tank. I'm not sure what it's for, but I creased the
> piss out of it. I did what any lazy slob would do -- I filled the
> hole back in and crossed my fingers.
Depending on your setup, could be the line running from your lift
station to the drainfield.
ObT(Squared) Having owned two septic setups at onetime.
--
GRay-
Robinson
>
> Citizen Ted <enoi...@omit.home.com> wrote in message
> news:38921508.34585602@news...
> <snip>
> >
> > Scores and
> > scores of sexy young hippie girls ... all of whom will fuck you as long as you can
> > accept their armpit hair.
> >
>
> Hell, some of us like a bit of body hair on an attractive women. I even went
> so far as suggesting to my last girlfriend that she let her armpit and leg
> hair grow.
I personally keep the underarm hair cleanly shaved, but stopped shaving
the pins in 1996--just too damn much effort. After 2 years of coarse
bristly black hair, I now have just a faint growth of fine, barely
visible dark filaments which impart a smooth, silky feel to my legs.
Can't even see em under hose.
>
> ... the prostrate,
^^^^^^^^^
WHAT is so frigging DIFFICULT about realizing the difference between an
individual lying prone and a gland? That is _prostate_, NO FUCKING "R".
Jeezly crow, if you're gonna have one of the damn things, learn to call
it by it's proper name...
But back to more important matters: tell us, Teddy, did the TedChoad
twitch and find the tip of the nozzle an unusual if pleasurable visitor
to Prostate Central?
Lorri
Just call me Fuzzy Wuzzy
Bill
> ObT: Having a friend give your prostate gland a little nudge.
>
> ObT2: Having your HMO pay for it.
I'd almost be willing to pay for that out of pocket as I have always thought
that you really get your money's worth from a rectal exam.
William Hamblen
wrote:
>"Anti-Pyrine". AFAICS, it's a numbing drug. No clue. I'm all ears,
>medical experts!
Antipyrine is (deep breath) phenyldimethylisopyrazolone. Basically a
fever reducer/analgesic. Like acetaminophen, but more toxic.
I remember seeing barn signs for 666 in my youth. "I" think the name
was copied from 606, Ehrlich's drug for syphilis, which is kind of
tasteless, too.
Jizz for brains
Citizen Ted <enoi...@omit.home.com> wrote in message
news:38921508.34585602@news...
<snip>
>
> Scores and
> accept their armpit hair.
>
Hell, some of us like a bit of body hair on an attractive women. I even went
so far as suggesting to my last girlfriend that she let her armpit and leg
hair grow. She didn't take me seriously, unfortunately.
Regarding this whole enema deal, I've always imagined that the pressure of
all that water on the prostrate, coupled with having something (voluntarily)
inserted up your cornhole, might cause a man to "rise to the occasion", so
to speak.
So if you're reading this Citizen Ted, did the TedChoad stir his head, even
a little, during this protracted performance that you described so well?
The Carrot
>increased flow of cerebrospinal fluid can be a Bad Thing to an MS patient). I
>knew a woman who was positive that MS was a side effect of some deep spiritual
>problem manifesting itself as disease.
Hahaha! I once knew a moron^H^Hguy who believed that. "The mind controls the
body" he'd state in a solemn tone, and then berate me for popping an aspirin or
a cold tablet. The medical industry was Bad News, he'd declare, and doctors
were nothing more than mechanics.
I should mention that he had a tumor on the pituitary gland that no amount of
wishful (magical?) thinking would make go away. Oddly enough, the pills that
he got from the medically-trained 'mechanics' shrunk his tumor down to a
manageable size.
Imagine that!
Now, I'll agree that there's some evidence that mental states can influence your
health. Most of the time, however, your brain perceives the tumor and goes
"Holy shit! Time to call a doctor!"
Speaking of which, I went and got my physical last week. Low blood pressure,
fucking EXCELLENT HDL/LDL numbers, no evidence of sexually transmitted
diseases, etc, etc. The funny part of this is that my doctor is also a personal
friend who knows all about my heavy drinking, smoking, fat-laced diet, checkered
sexual history and massive exposure to cancer-causing solar rays. He just shakes
his head and notes it on the chart.
ObT: Having a friend give your prostate gland a little nudge.
ObT2: Having your HMO pay for it.
- The Carrot
FreeSex
Acetylcholinesterase Inhibitor <wor...@dworley.ne.mediaone.net> wrote in
message news:87wvoyq...@blob.ariadne.com...
toxicologists say, "Everything is toxic if you take enough of it."
>
> (Idiot flag: Anyone who uses the word "toxins" casually.)
>
> Dale
>
Latest sad-ass thing I've read "Toxic interfaces" which refers to screwed up
UIs on PCs etc...
Citizen Ted
(Acetylcholinesterase Inhibitor) wrote:
>enoi...@omit.home.com (Citizen Ted) writes:
>> Good: Lots of excellent marijuana everywhere. Scores and
>> scores of sexy young hippie girls in patterned dresses with sun
>> tattoos on their ankles, all of whom will fuck you as long as you can
>> accept their armpit hair.
>
>What marginal-quality college do they all attend?
Well put.
Western Washington University. They're supposed to be
producing public school teachers, but our area got a C- on our recent
"teacher knowledge" report card. One of the campuses features one of
those idiotic "fashion your own curriculum" systems that produces
illiterate leftist dingbats by the score.
Our only claim to engineering fame is the Viking solar car - a
cockroach on wheels whose design was stolen from a GM model built
decades ago. Woo-hoo. Go Western.
In its defense, Western does provide the city with 5,000 jobs,
and creates an atmosphere where one can buy an excellent cup of
coffee, a healthy bag of DaNk NuGz or good seats for a decent jazz
show. Without Western, Bham would be little more than a mill town.
You take what you can get. In the summer, when Bellingham
really is the place to be, all the students leave.
No matter where I may go, I'll always prefer Bellingham in the
summertime.
- TR
- college dropout.
Aside for Jizz: no, the TedChoad was not excited by a prostate
tickling. You underestimate the breadth of my anal-ness.
ObT: I had the "Man-in-the-Street" interview duty for the
paper yesterday. This week's question: "What do you most like to do on
these rainy days?"
Boring Bellingham answers all around. I had to tell the editor
my personal response: "Violently masturbating to nude pictures of
Ethel Merman".
He spit coffee four feet in the air...
Citizen Ted
<lin...@spamilingus.fuckyou.co.uk> wrote:
>I've always been rather amused at some of the interesting remedies
>that came out in the 1800/1900's. I collect antique bottles, and have
>a farily substantial collection of "quack-cures" as they're
>colloquially known. "King Of Pain" is a favorite, "Mrs Winslow's
>Soothing Syrup" - a wonderful baby "medication" that contained mostly
>opium and alcohol, very soothing for a tot, I'm sure.
>
>ObLOL: Dr Drake's Pink Pills For Pale People. I kid you not.
Normally, I'd email this kinda shit to you, but you munge your
address. How you ever gonna get an ATer to visit NZ and blow you if
you don't put up an unmungeable address?
Not that *I'm* offering, mind you, but...oh dammit let me get
to my fucking point....
It isn't dated, but I would peg the product as having been
distributed in the late 1940's- early 1950's. It's called "666 Cold
Preparation". I also have the matching "666 Cold Tablets". They are in
their original boxes with pamphlets included.
They were distributed by Monticello Drug of Jacksonville,
Florida.
I have no fucking idea how they thought the name "666" would
be a stroke of marketing genius; I'm sure the religionists slapped 'em
down real quick.
But I am now the proud owner of these items. Very rare, very
weird.
Any offers?
- TR
"Antique Depressants Roadshow"
ObTDrug: active ingredient in 666 Cold Preparation:
"Anti-Pyrine". AFAICS, it's a numbing drug. No clue. I'm all ears,
medical experts!
ObT: drinking the shit.
JAID
Citizen Ted wrote:
>
> >> ...all of whom will fuck you as long as you can
> >> accept their armpit hair.
> >
> >What marginal-quality college do they all attend?
>
> Western Washington University. They're supposed to be
producing public school teachers, but our area got a C- on our recent
> "teacher knowledge" report card...
They cleary report on the wrong capabilities then. Is public school more
interesting than it was?
Ian
A.Lizard
wrote:
>In article <MPG.12f783244...@news.newsguy.com>, ginny_...@unforgettable.com (Justme®) says:
>
[snip]
>ObT: Having a friend give your prostate gland a little nudge.
>
>ObT2: Having your HMO pay for it.
ObT3: Hearing the sound of a zipper going up afterwards.
A.Lizard
ginny_...@unforgettable.com (JustmeŽ) wrote:
>I saw this stuff written by GR...@fuckyou.trash.co.uk in article
><388E30...@fuckyou.trash.co.uk>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
>> Ginny wrote:
>>
>>
>>
>> > I am a Woman of Science. I listen only to hard-core proof. The rest of it is
>> > bullshit.
>> >
>> > And again, I state: no one's putting anything up my ass unless they buy me
>> > dinner first.
>> >
>>
>> Steak or seafood?
>
>OK, for you and alizard:
>
>Steak. Tube steak. (My husband's.)
>
>neener, neener.
For you, nothing is too good...
Now who around here would like to loan me a chain saw?
I suppose you'll be wanting that tube steak broiled.
A.Lizard
>
>
>--Ginny
>
>"Side note to Hillary: Hey, ya touchy-feely political dyke,
>I tried your "village" thing. You were wrong. As always.
>Let the little maggots raise themselves."
>
> --Asbestos Dust, Message-ID: <37e6d901...@news.cooke.net>
GRay
> ObT: I had the "Man-in-the-Street" interview duty for the
> paper yesterday. This week's question: "What do you most like to do on
> these rainy days?"
> Boring Bellingham answers all around. I had to tell the editor
> my personal response: "Violently masturbating to nude pictures of
> Ethel Merman".
> He spit coffee four feet in the air...
Am I the only one here who belives that's the Glub-dammed real answer he
gave?
ObHangover:Vodka on sale for $9.99 for a 1.75 litre. Ouch. Oh, the
*pain*.
Jeff Justin
>
> So what exactly is the difference between an MD and a DO?
>
DO's receive training in skeletal manipulation along with
their other medical training. I suppose it reflects a
different philosophy of the nature of illness and all.
Chiropractors don't get the training in disease process and
treatment that MD's and DO's get, therefore chiropractors
can't prescribe medicines, or can't prescribe the better,
er, more dangerous drugs.
Cheers,
Jeff Justin
Ob-not-so-T: My news service has decided to puke up all the
posts I've missed over the past week or so. Reading
original posts that I've seen the follow-ups to. They can
put a man on the fucking moon, why can't they get Usenet
right?
Ob-maybe-more-T: One of my employees has been suffering from
the flu (or a flu-like illness). This morning was her first
day back since last week. She said she felt better. Five
minutes ago, she was on the phone with a customer and all of
a sudden dropped the phone and blew chunks into her
wastebasket. The office smells wonderful.
-----------== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News ==----------
http://www.newsfeeds.com The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!
------== Over 73,000 Newsgroups - Including Dedicated Binaries Servers ==-----
vineland repatriate
wrote:
>MikeM wrote:
>>
>> So what exactly is the difference between an MD and a DO?
>>
>
>DO's receive training in skeletal manipulation along with
>their other medical training.
I think DOs get somewhat less of some of some other stuff in order to get
them (mal)practising medicine just as quickly as MDs. I remember comparing
the curriculum that a friend at an osteopathy school had with that which we
Evilll Western Medical Anatomistas were being taught to ram into the med
students and noticing that the DOs were getting noticably less gross
anatomy, which surprised me. On the other hand, our department was
basically charged with teaching every med student we saw enough anatomy to
be able to do a surgery rotation without killing anyone, and I don't know
if the DO training track included surgery rotas later on. I somewhat hope
not, or hope that if it did, the DOs were being paid close attention to.
One of my buds from that department later on spent time in Louisiana,
teaching oral anatomy to dental-hygienists-in-training. Real cute, he told
me, tended to feature 'i's' in their names where parents in other states
mighta used 'y's,' tended not to dot said 'i's' but rather to put smiley
faces on 'em, and to be dumber'n the day is long. He, being a good
Catholic, did not supply them with the sort of Oral Anatomy lessons that I
would have.
>(messages arrive out of order) They can put a man on the fucking moon, why
>can't they get Usenet right?
The Economist, in a similar vein, recently demanded that the net figure out
a way to synchronize packet flow in order that ecommerce might take off. I
think they were hoping that we'd all soon be able to get full-frame
full-motion video delivered via the 'net so that a) the AOL/Warner deal
would make some sort of sense and b) the quality of smut they get at the
office would improve. They didn't seem to understand that the way to do
that is with the parallel dedicated and designed channel *in the cable.*
But what they really missed is that as soon as there's sufficient bandwidth
for high-quality internet video, the porn industry's going to have finished
sussing out how to produce virtual reality condoms that need terabit
bandwidth. Then there'll be an alt.binaries.multimedia.vr.sextoys
newsgroup carrying 3 gazillion line posts, allowing everyone to download
bootlegs of assreaming Orrin Hatch or get a spammed two-second suck from
Monica as a teaser for her new website.
And there still isn't going to be packet synch on the public network.
-Peter
"is that a mass storage device in your pocket, or are you just happy to see
me?"
scr...@cyberpass.net
Nanookof...@yellowknife.com
(Acetylcholinesterase Inhibitor) wrote:
>Bill <Bill....@erols.com> writes:
>> The thing that can be said for all the vitamins and supplements on the market
>> is that they are safe.
>
>We're luckier than that! A considerable number of vitamins have toxic
>consequences if you eat *enough* of them. There's a reason that they
>don't megadose people on vitamin A, for instance.
>
Hence the not-an-urban-legend that polar bear and seal liver are toxic
in relatively small quantities. They contain afuckofalot of Vitamin A
per gramme, compared to, say, cow liver. Apparently, a taboo arose
among the Inuit as a way of teaching the kiddies not to eat it; the
spirits of dead hunters lived in the livers, and you had to toss 'em
on the fire to appease those spirits and let them loose again. If you
ate the liver, you pissed off the dead hunters enough that they'd kill
you.
>As the toxicologists say, "Everything is toxic if you take enough of it."
>
Every now and then you can still hear stories about kids drinking a
shitload of water (esp. during YooEss heat waves) and dying from water
poisoning. (Something about diluting your system enough to fuck up
your electrolyte balances. Nurzy, Proctalgia, anyone with better
details?)
>(Idiot flag: Anyone who uses the word "toxins" casually.)
Re: the above: I love talking to people who use 'toxins'
histrionically, and getting them all excited about the toxic qualities
of dihydrogen oxide.
ObT: Thinking about sending loads of steaming shit to the two asswipes
who stiffed me on the TSS exchange this year and last.
ObT2: The poor bastards at customs who'd have to deal with it.
Robert
From the messy desk of RobNorth 62 27 N 114 22 W (give or take) Politics
is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia. (Orwell)
Man is that he might have joy--not guilt trips. (Elder Russell M. Nelson)
A flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. (Burgess, A Clockwork Orange)
Ubiquitous
EXCELLENT article, Ted! This one's for the "A.T. Real Life" file.
NB: This is "real life", NOT "non-fiction".
> But, in the end, all I really got was a very comforting enema.
>Enemas were common hygiene practice for centuries, and only recently
>have we strayed with colonic health.
If memory serves correctly, the most recent (and biggest) time
was in the late 1800's with Kellogg, who is now only remebered
for inventing corn flakes and other breakfast cereals
> Of course, I would have preferred to have my Queen, Nurz
>Rachet, strap me down and hose me out real good, but we can't have
>everything. Some moments are meant to smolder, then burst into flame
>at the right time.
Orrr, you could get a toilet like the one in The Lexx...
--
=======================================================================
| Support NORNL, the National Organisation | Dead people need love |
| for the Reform of Necrophilia Laws and | too. Don't allow bigotry |
| help to abolish victimless crime | to stand in the way |
=======================================================================
LINCARD 1000
# Normally, I'd email this kinda shit to you, but you munge your
#address. How you ever gonna get an ATer to visit NZ and blow you if
#you don't put up an unmungeable address?
#
# Not that *I'm* offering, mind you, but...oh dammit let me get
#to my fucking point....
Oh c'MON Teddy my luscious young thing, the address isn't THAT
difficult to unmunge - "spamilingus"? And fuckyou.co.uk is a real
enough address - there are a substantial amount of others currently
using it in this NG.
[...666 Quack Cure...]
# Any offers?
No, I'll pass. Although quite amusing and tasteless, my tastes range
to things that are a little bit older than that. Pre 1920's,
preferably. Thank you all the same.
ObT: Holloways Ointment: The little pottery containers this goop came
in are quite prized by collectors as they're rather pretty. The stuff
is claimed to cure everything from A - Z, asthma, whooping cough, etc
etc etc... Even if it could help cure those ailments, which it almost
certainly couldn't, I would hate to think what they would have to put
into that goop to make it do much good when you have to spread it on
your skin...
ObSaying: Hitting the sauce - as a euphemism for hitting the booze. We
found a bottle that was commonly used for beer and spirits with a
tomato sauce label on it - so THATS where that saying came from...
LINCARD "looking for starfish ointment" 1000
-----
"So you're single. And you're a guy. Date your
penis for a few days. Rent it a good porno movie.
Set tomorrow aside to date yourself. It can be fun
being pathetically lonely... concoct a fantasy
date where you buy yourself a good meal, get
yourself drunk, and violate yourself into the wee
hours." - Rev. Syd, alt.tasteless 2000
Christopher Martin
Citizen Ted <enoi...@omit.home.com> wrote:
> my defense of the local newsstand for selling _Answer Me!_ magazine has
> already made me persona-non-grata in many circles.
Speaking of which, I've been wondering what our friend Mr. Goad has been
up to. A couple of summers ago he was planning to embark on a
cross-country writing trip and I had offered to put him up on one of his
stops. Next thing I heard he was in jail. Saw a lengthy write-up on
the web several months back about his tribulations, but nothing since.
Anyone happen to know of any info more recent?
Christopher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://members.efortress.com/cscm/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GRay
> "They know that if they ever managed to 'have me committed' that
> once I got out I would find them, torture them, and dispose of them."
> -- Tim May shows his sanity
Heh. I actually like Tim's position on gun-grabbers.
They need disposal.
Malaclypse the Younger
>
> It isn't dated, but I would peg the product as having been
> distributed in the late 1940's- early 1950's. It's called "666 Cold
> Preparation". I also have the matching "666 Cold Tablets". They are in
> their original boxes with pamphlets included.
They still exist! I can still find 666 brand cold remedies if I want to
search. I saw them once (maybe a year ago) at a local Walgreens.
But regardless of the name, they use the same ingredients now as
everyone else -- dextromethorphan, guaifenesin, pseudoephedrine,
whatever (depends on the formula).
Perhaps it *is* a takeoff on Salvarsan-606, but remember that sulfa
drugs were the only game in town in their day, renal toxicity or no, so
they were seen as something of a miracle. After all, the stuff didn't
just work on syphilis.
Mal-2
--
He treated [Monica] like a dick rag, and she kept cumming back for more.
A REAL PRED President would have obliterated the sow and left nothing
but a puddle of congealed fat. -- pr...@altavista.net
http://fly.to/billthecat * AcctKills:103 Sites:14 Srvrs:3 * ICQ:11401527
Citizen Ted
Martin) wrote:
>
>Citizen Ted <enoi...@omit.home.com> wrote:
>
>> my defense of the local newsstand for selling _Answer Me!_ magazine has
>> already made me persona-non-grata in many circles.
>
>Speaking of which, I've been wondering what our friend Mr. Goad has been
>up to. A couple of summers ago he was planning to embark on a
>cross-country writing trip and I had offered to put him up on one of his
>stops. Next thing I heard he was in jail. Saw a lengthy write-up on
>the web several months back about his tribulations, but nothing since.
>Anyone happen to know of any info more recent?
He's still in jail in Salem, OR. He has a tentative release
sometime in autumn 2000. There will be a new book coincident with his
release, "Shit Magnet", in which Jim describes those special abilities
of his.
There is no doubt that he is a complete asshole for getting
involved with, then beating the shit out of, that little creep he was
fucking. I agree with authorities that he deserved to do some jail
time. But the prosecutors went overboard, giving him 3 years in state
prison for what amounts to simple battery.
Plenty of people hate Jim, and are glad that he got royally
shafted by the Portland powers that be. That's fine. But everyone
knows that the only reason he got such a long prison sentence was
because of his writings - not just because of the assault. Most men
convicted of similar (or worse) offenses of domestic battery do less
than 6 months. Jim was incarcerated for what he wrote - not what he
did.
And that should be a concern for every person posting in this
forum. If you slip up and get popped for simple drug possession or
other similar minor offense, you may run the risk of an extensive
prison stay merely because of what you posted in this forum.
I've seen how juries and judges react to inflammatory speech.
Any sense of objectivity goes out the window and teeth start gnashing.
You won't see Citizen Ted breaking any speed limits or being
unkind to police. I'm a model fuckin' Citizen, as the name implies.
- TR
- and I love the FBI and state authorities, too!
Michael Cogan
.
+AD4-
+AD4-
+AD4- You won't see Citizen Ted breaking any speed limits or being
+AD4-unkind to police. I'm a model fuckin' Citizen, as the name implies.
+AD4-
+AD4- - TR
+AD4- - and I love the FBI and state authorities, too+ACE-
+AD4-
In today's news from my end of the continent is that baseball player who
does not love New York.
He has been suspended for telling it like it is about some of my fellow
citizens (not me of course)
Felis Concolor
>Ted, are you planning on partaking in any other medical quackery? Maybe
>a steady diet of laetrile combined with megadoses of vitamins? "Hardening"
>your immune system through exposure to radioactive materials? Bee sting
>therapy? High altitude survival experiments in the chamber at Dachau?
That's right, Ted. After all, if you follow Carrot's advice, you're
guaranteed to get a date with Nurzy...or at least one of her lovely
sisters.
ObNurz: After hearing that I was no longer in possession of my bile
tube, the lovely Ms. Rachet offered to send me a similar appliance.
I took her up on this offer, and the other day I received a mysterious
package in the mail.
Being a cautious sort, I let my lovely redheaded partner open it and
kept me and the cat a few yards away. Within was...another package. In
this other package, I found:
1) A bile tube, wrapped in blue plastic. This thing is a foot and a
half long (yikes! I had something like _that_ inside me!?!) Two ports
on the end that sticks outside, not one like mine.
2) A round plastic thing that says, "Jackson-Pratt Wound Drainage
Reservoir." Another tube is wound around this thing. One end looks
like a port. The other end of the tube is sharp. Very sharp.
3) A flat orange paper package marked "Ethibond Excel Green Braided
Polyester Suture."
4) A flat brown package marked "Chromic Gut." This is also surgical
suture. (I wonder if the company that manufactures it has an agree-
ment with the local human society.)
And finally...
5) Three yellow and orange toe tags, with space to write in the facts
of death. They are marked, "Patient Expired from Communicable Disease."
Enclosed was a note saying, "Now you and Bobby can do 'at home surgery.'
Please be careful -- the trocar is still attached. Of course, you can
always use it against the laundry thieves!"
I assume the "trocar" is the sharp end of the tube. And yes, me and
the lovely Ms. Hatch appreciate the surgery supplies. After all, we
were getting tired of entertaining our clients with a dull butter knife.
Too hard to clean up, if you ask me.
Lenore Levine
P.S. Two weeks after our wash disappeared, it showed up in our
apartment building's laundry room. Minus, that is, most of our socks.
What's the matter, don't they want a T-shirt that says, "Cat: The other
white meat!"?
P.S.S. A friend of ours who occasionally posts here took two of the
toe tags. He promises to let us know what he does with them.
--
Robinson
>
> In today's news from my end of the continent is that baseball player who
> does not love New York.
> He has been suspended for telling it like it is about some of my fellow
> citizens (not me of course)
Yup. The illustrious John Rocker, closer for the Ratlanta Braves. He was
interviewed for the 12/22/99 issue of Sports Illustrated, and when asked
if he'd ever play for New York, had this to say:
"I would retire first...Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to
the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some
kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some
dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some
20-year-old mom with four kids."
Does anyone deny such a ridership exists?
Asked about NYC itself:
"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm
not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times
Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and
Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up
there. How the hell did they get in this country?"
Again--is this a fallacy?
And a couple of comments about Ratlanta drivers:
"So many dumb asses don't know how to drive in this town."
"...Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A
beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is
white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"
I can personally testify to the veracity of these two statements.
You can check out the article yourself at
http://cnnsi.com/features/cover/news/1999/12/22/rocker/
Now for myself, I don't have a problem with a damn thing he said. He is
simply saying out loud what most people are too candy-assed to say, but
what they're thinking. The article makes a big deal out of him saying
"Fuck" while driving--hell, they oughtta drive with ME and listen to the
"nigger nigger nigger" song I sing when I'm cut off by some glubdamn
Loqueesha who immediately drops her speed to 20 mph on the fucking
interstate. I imagine every veteran of big city driving has less than PC
statements and pet phrases for their fellow drivers.
This guy's only problem is he actually thought he could say exactly what
he thought. And to a *reporter*, no less. Chalk it up to being a young
idiot. But suspension? Please. This country is so in-the-grip of the
Thumper the Rabbit mentality ("If you can't say anything nice...") that
we have turned into a mass of seething, vanilla blobs with vanilla
tastes, vanilla lives, and vanilla desires. Our souls are being sapped
by "What did you learn today?" and "Play nice now". Would our
forefathers even recognize us? I think not.
No, John Rocker should be held up as a symbol of courage, of an
unwillingness to play the PC game, of loyalty to his own thoughts,
ideas, and beliefs. What a pity that freedom of speech really means
freedom of speech only if you don't say anything with teeth.
ObT: someone hiding a tape recorder in Jesse Jackson's car and recording
his comments during afternoon rush hour in Ratlanta.
Lorri
Speaking freely
JFW
wrote:
>Michael Cogan wrote:
>>
>> In today's news from my end of the continent is that baseball player who
>> does not love New York.
>> He has been suspended for telling it like it is about some of my fellow
>> citizens (not me of course)
He got a totally raw fucking deal. This whole touchy-feely bullshit
is really getting out of hand.
>Yup. The illustrious John Rocker, closer for the Ratlanta Braves. He was
>interviewed for the 12/22/99 issue of Sports Illustrated, and when asked
>if he'd ever play for New York, had this to say:
>
>"I would retire first...Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to
>the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some
>kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some
>dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some
>20-year-old mom with four kids."
>
>Does anyone deny such a ridership exists?
Hell, Colin Quinn on Weekend Update (SNL) commented "He's OBVIOUSLY
ridden the number 7 train."
>Asked about NYC itself:
>
>"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm
>not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times
>Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and
>Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up
>there. How the hell did they get in this country?"
>
>Again--is this a fallacy?
Nope, which is why he was crucified for it. Folks would rather see
that as "hate speak" than admit that we're letting in ANYONE now, and
not even making the pretense of requiring them to adopt English.
>And a couple of comments about Ratlanta drivers:
>
>"So many dumb asses don't know how to drive in this town."
I've driven in Atlanta. He's right.
>"...Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A
>beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is
>white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"
>
>I can personally testify to the veracity of these two statements.
>
>You can check out the article yourself at
>http://cnnsi.com/features/cover/news/1999/12/22/rocker/
>
>Now for myself, I don't have a problem with a damn thing he said. He is
>simply saying out loud what most people are too candy-assed to say, but
>what they're thinking. The article makes a big deal out of him saying
>"Fuck" while driving--hell, they oughtta drive with ME and listen to the
>"nigger nigger nigger" song I sing when I'm cut off by some glubdamn
>Loqueesha who immediately drops her speed to 20 mph on the fucking
>interstate. I imagine every veteran of big city driving has less than PC
>statements and pet phrases for their fellow drivers.
Amen, I often go off on a "Me sooo sowwy, me no undewstandee. Me love
you long time..." rant during rush hour here in Silicon Valley.
>This guy's only problem is he actually thought he could say exactly what
>he thought. And to a *reporter*, no less. Chalk it up to being a young
>idiot. But suspension? Please. This country is so in-the-grip of the
>Thumper the Rabbit mentality ("If you can't say anything nice...") that
>we have turned into a mass of seething, vanilla blobs with vanilla
>tastes, vanilla lives, and vanilla desires. Our souls are being sapped
>by "What did you learn today?" and "Play nice now". Would our
>forefathers even recognize us? I think not.
Amen.
>No, John Rocker should be held up as a symbol of courage, of an
>unwillingness to play the PC game, of loyalty to his own thoughts,
>ideas, and beliefs. What a pity that freedom of speech really means
>freedom of speech only if you don't say anything with teeth.
Ayup.
jfw
ObT: Plus, he's SUCH a hottie. I'd love a chance to introduce his
good-ole-boy tight little starfish to the joys of rimming...and since
I'm fantasizing, there's something else I'd like to introduce to said
starfish...hmm, be back later <wank><wank>.
Roberta Hatch
>Michael Cogan wrote:
>> In today's news from my end of the continent is that baseball player who
>> does not love New York.
>Yup. The illustrious John Rocker, closer for the Ratlanta Braves. ...
>ObT: someone hiding a tape recorder in Jesse Jackson's car and recording
>his comments during afternoon rush hour in Ratlanta.
I think a better place to record Jackson's comments might be
Hymietown, er, Brooklyn.
Now that I think about it, I don't think I've heard anything
about Jackson commenting on Rocker. I wonder why, he usually has
something to say about this sort of stuff.
Bobbi
---
Roberta Hatch '65 Panhead
Dykes on Bikes, San Francisco, CA (This space for rent)
A.Lizard
wrote:
>Lenore wrote:
>
>
>> "They know that if they ever managed to 'have me committed' that
>> once I got out I would find them, torture them, and dispose of them."
>> -- Tim May shows his sanity
>
I think Tim's sane. Well, by a.t. standards. This does NOT mean
that he's an especially nice person.
The only problem I have with this is that he wouldn't post a
description to a.t. about it afterwards, much less make .GIFs and
.MPEGs available.
>Heh. I actually like Tim's position on gun-grabbers.
>
>They need disposal.
Well, it has occurred to me that the best use for an anti-gun
fanatic is fertilizer after cremation. Cremation is advised here
because prions are persistent little beasts.
Anyone who absolutely MUST eat one should remember: DON'T EAT THE
BRAIN! Even if you can find it. (suggest removing the whole head
and burning it or dissolving in acid)
You don't want to find out the hard way how gun-grabbers got that
way, much less find yourself with an sudden, unaccountable desire
to switch to WebTV.com as an ISP.
household hints posted as a public service...
A.Lizard
>--
>GRay-
>
>Take out the trash for mail.
>
>"Welcome to alt-dot-fucking-peeves, where nastiness and personal
>attacks are ALWAYS on-topic." G. Belton
************************************************************************
Lenore Levine
> There is no doubt that he is a complete asshole for getting
>involved with, then beating the shit out of, that little creep he was
>fucking. I agree with authorities that he deserved to do some jail
>time. But the prosecutors went overboard, giving him 3 years in state
>prison for what amounts to simple battery.
> Plenty of people hate Jim, and are glad that he got royally
>shafted by the Portland powers that be. That's fine. But everyone
>knows that the only reason he got such a long prison sentence was
>because of his writings - not just because of the assault. Most men
>convicted of similar (or worse) offenses of domestic battery do less
>than 6 months. Jim was incarcerated for what he wrote - not what he
>did.
> And that should be a concern for every person posting in this
>forum. If you slip up and get popped for simple drug possession or
>other similar minor offense, you may run the risk of an extensive
>prison stay merely because of what you posted in this forum.
Ted, do you think this was unjust because prior behavior should
not be taken into account in arriving at a sentence, or because
in this case, you feel it was unjustly done?
Lenore Levine
Lenore Levine
in this case, you feel it was inappropriately done?
Lenore Levine
--
"If I want a victim, I'll make one, not _be_ one; thank you very much."
-- Ginny on living with physical disabilities
Robinson
>
> Robinson <rob...@bellsouth.net> wrote:
>
>
>
> >ObT: someone hiding a tape recorder in Jesse Jackson's car and recording
> >his comments during afternoon rush hour in Ratlanta.
>
>
> about Jackson commenting on Rocker. I wonder why, he usually has
> something to say about this sort of stuff.
>
Actually, he was going to hold a protest outside the Stupid Bowl, but I
believe he got ice-stormed out. Talk about dedication to a cause, huh...
Lorri
Walkin in a Darkie Welfare-land
Robinson
>
> Robinson <rob...@bellsouth.net> writes:
> > Yup. The illustrious John Rocker, closer for the Ratlanta Braves.
>
> dragged over here from Africa in 1680)
Please, Dale. Do you honestly think anything would have been written
about his flair for commentary in the first place if he was a Bruhthuh?
He could have called every female driver on I-285 a "stuck-up Miss Ann
dick-licker" and bitched about every other minority group on the face of
the earth, and the damn article would have been slanted so that he
sounded like a sage.
The boy's white. And a redneck to boot.
Lorri
Over this whole shit-mess
A.Lizard
Levine) wrote:
>enoi...@omit.home.com (Citizen Ted) writes (about Jim Goad):
[snip]
>> And that should be a concern for every person posting in this
>>forum. If you slip up and get popped for simple drug possession or
>>other similar minor offense, you may run the risk of an extensive
>>prison stay merely because of what you posted in this forum.
>
>Ted, do you think this was unjust because prior behavior should
>not be taken into account in arriving at a sentence, or because
>in this case, you feel it was unjustly done?
>
Prior behavior? If you mean previous criminal *conduct*, as
defined by having been proved guilty of violent or property
crime, of course it should be.
For exercise of a Constitutionally protected right to freedom of
speech? Of course not, and believing that a person's speech
constitutes the kind of "prior behavior" that merits increased
sentencing marks the believer as a dangerously insane drooling
tard.
A.Lizard
>Lenore Levine
Roberta Hatch
He was going to protest about a baseball player at a football
game? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Boy, I would have liked to
watch that. Jackson has only admitted to disliking the jews in New
York City, so I guess he holds the moral high ground. It's not as if
he dislikes *everyone*.
GRay
> He was going to protest about a baseball player at a football
> game? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Boy, I would have liked to
> watch that. Jackson has only admitted to disliking the jews in New
> York City, so I guess he holds the moral high ground. It's not as if
> he dislikes *everyone*.
>
> Bobbi
Nah, he was gonna protest the Confederate flag as racist. Apparently,
the Gaw-jaw State flag is based on it.
ObShit: You seen the prices _real_ Confederate flage are going for on
eBay?
Roberta Hatch
(Stuff about Rocker deleted)
>(Jesse Jackson Atlanta protest)
>> He was going to protest about a baseball player at a football
>> game? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Boy, I would have liked to
>> watch that. Jackson has only admitted to disliking the jews in New
>> York City, so I guess he holds the moral high ground. It's not as if
>> he dislikes *everyone*.
>Nah, he was gonna protest the Confederate flag as racist. Apparently,
>the Gaw-jaw State flag is based on it.
Ah-ha, that makes a little more sense. He was going to protest
a state flag at a football game. Maybe he thought he sould convice all
the darkies on both teams not to play if the flag was flown. I didn't
think he grew balls big enough to complain about Rocker.
Next on his list should be Mississippi. Nah, no professional
sports teams in that state.
By the way, it's the confederate battle flag, not the actual
Stars and Bars, or the other two flags that followed it.
Sean
Roberta Hatch wrote:
> Ah-ha, that makes a little more sense. He was going to protest
> a state flag at a football game. Maybe he thought he sould convice all
> the darkies on both teams not to play if the flag was flown. I didn't
> think he grew balls big enough to complain about Rocker.
He was trying to get the players to wear some sort of symbol on their
helmets to protest the confederate flag, but the NFL said no fuckin'
way. I'm kinda curious what the symbol was going to be.
A slice of watermelon?
A plate of fried chicken?
Maybe it was going to be pairs of huge fuckin' cloth lips that
flapped as the players ran around.
*sigh*
I guess we'll never know.
Sean
"God is no respecter of persons."
-- New Testament, Acts, X, 34
Bill
> As for Rocker's comments: he's right. He's dead on-target. The condition
> he's describing [(areas filled wth non-English speaking welfare cases,
> AIDS victims, unwed mothers with multiple kids in a crumbling urban
> environment)] is called 'diversity' by liberal drug-taking hippie buttheads who
> spent most of their college careers taking courses called 'Themes in Asian Art',
> 'Social Justice', and 'Introduction to Algebra'.
That area is most frequently called the District of Columbia.
The Carrot
>Ahh, but I live in enlightened Boston, which is accurately known as
>the most racist city in the north. You can still ream out a black man
>for saying stupid things in this town. (Or for being in the wrong
>neighborhood after dark.)
I dunno Dale, if you're a white guy in the wrong neighborhood after dark
you're liable to end up dead, especially if you start pulling the traditional
'Massa/Slave' routine.
As for Rocker's comments: he's right. He's dead on-target. The condition
he's describing (areas filled wth non-English speaking welfare cases,
AIDS victims, unwed mothers with multiple kids in a crumbling urban
environment) is called 'diversity' by liberal drug-taking hippie buttheads who
spent most of their college careers taking courses called 'Themes in Asian Art',
'Social Justice', and 'Introduction to Algebra'.
This condition of urban decay is, for some reason, prized by the Politically
Correct crowd. Those of us with more than two brain cells to rub together
know that the correct thing to do is to put on 'Aryan Nations' t-shirts and march down
the street, legalized assault weapons blasting away, until we reach the Good Part
of Town. Then we go back and permanently sterilize any survivors. Except for any
surviving fags with AIDS, since that's not exactly a self-perpetuating condition.
Rock(er) on!
- The Carrot
GRay
> - a citizen who loves jaywalking, urinating in public,
> speeding, assault, battery, theft, embezzlement, racketeering, drug
> trafficking and murder. How's that?
>
Murder? Details! we want DETAILS!!!
Felis Concolor
>Jim Goad, clearly, fucked up. Exercising your freedom of speech can
>screw you, but there are better ways and worse ways to do it. (We
>will pass over what *should* be the case, since that clearly has
>nothing to do with *anything* in the Real World (TM).)
>...But given that that was his *goal*, he still screwed up on the backup
>measures that reduce the damage you suffer from offending the Normals.
>Maintain your friendships, at an alliance with at least one fanatical
>faction of supporters. When the going gets tough, it's good to not
>piss off your lawyer and have a bunch of people you can pass the hat
>around. Given what I've heard about Goad, he doesn't worry about
>being nice enough to keep any friends, so when the going got tough, he
>couldn't raise an army...
I asked a lawyer relative to what extent judges are allowed to use
their discretion in assault cases. His reply:
>...All the subjective factors that don't play in the trial
>come in for sentencing: Character references, community standing, prior
>unrelated crimes, remorse, etc. However there are certain mandatory
>sentencing rules which can get in the way. The court may well look at the
>nature of provocation and ultimately even the judge's perception of the
>defendant's appearance can have an impact. In most cases except murder, the
>judge does the sentencing, not the jury.
>Good luck. I hope your interest is academic more than personal.
(Sheesh. See what my family thinks of me.)
In other words, a judge is allowed to take the defendant's legal
behavior into consideration when handing down a sentence. E.g.,
as in a case I know, an elderly, generally responsible engineer with
blood sugar problems who bitch-slaps a provoker may get community
service, while a greater punishment may be handed down to a young,
unemployed motorcycle gang member.
Such exercises of judicial discretion may, not, ultimately, be right;
I'll leave it to A. Lizard to take up that argument. But they're legal,
they've been going on for generations, and they're not particularly
unethical or tyrannical, at least not in the great scheme of things.
Now, it's obviously wrong for a judge to use unfair or frivolous
sentencing criteria. And I'm no lawyer, but it's probably illegal
as well. For example, in Palo Alto there was a notorious case in
which the rich kid got probation while all the working class youths
did time. The locals were, understandably, quite upset about this.
Similarly, it would be wrong for a judge to take obviously satirical
or speculative writings as evidence of a propensity for violence.
If this is what happened to Goad, he was indeed treated unfairly.
On the other hand, knowing Goad, it's quite possible that he just
plain wasn't very nice to the people he encountered within the
legal system -- possibly even people who wanted to help him. In that
case, it's difficult to generate much sympathy. In particular, if he
treated his defense team the way he's treated some people on this group
-- betraying confidences, provoking people who started out as his
supporters, calling his "enemies" up with threats at three in the
morning -- it's no wonder they didn't try too hard to fight for him.
Stephen
ginny_...@unforgettable.com (JustmeŽ) wrote:
[snip excellent wrath-of-God rant]
> He sends angels out like hit men to
> take out pesky troublemakers.
Has anyone here played "Messiah"? I hear very good things about it from
the reviews but I don't have access to a good enough system to run it.
Plot involves you as a cute little cherub possessing people's bodies and
using them as helpless puppets of the divine will, which seems to involve
automatic weapons. The adverts got censored 'cause they showed the Pope
being possessed.
--
Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas - Virgil.
A.Lizard
ginny_...@unforgettable.com (JustmeŽ) wrote:
>I saw this stuff written by sni...@mindspring.com in article
><3897836E...@mindspring.com>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
>>
>> "God is no respecter of persons."
>>
>> -- New Testament, Acts, X, 34
>>
>>
>Finding this quote to be amusing, I quickly ran to my bibles to check it out for
>myself.
>
>Yes, you heard me: bibles. I've a King James version a Roman Catholic version,
>a Roman Catholic childrens' version, and a King James childrens' version. I
>like to comparison shop dammit, and get my bible quotes selectively; next up--
>I'm gettin' me a copy of the Koran and a book of Mormon. Any way, in my KJV and
>CV, I find the quote. No problem, `taint like those pesky 10 Commandments that
>us Catlicks edited to suit our heathen Sunday-worship needs.
Ginny, you're working way too hard. If you're too cheap to spring
for one of the numerous CDROMS like I am, go to the
http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible? for a simultaneous search of 7
different translations. Bad news: no Catholic Bible, but there's
probably somebody who has a URL for *that* search engine.
Sorry, nobody's put an Interlinear on the Net yet, though I think
it's out in CDROM.
OB T: that I'd happen to know this.
>In the childrens' KJ version, Acts X isn't even _there_. the bible is competely
>re-edited into storybook form. In the CV, Acts X,34 I find:
>
>"God treats all people alike."
>
>What the fuck? What the fuckin' fuck?
>
>This is a lie. Why are we lying to our children, and in our fucking BIBLE at
>that?
That question can be better addressed to the various authors and
various church councils and translators... i.e. the Bible as you
know it is a product of *multiple* committees. This may be
difficult, the great majority are dead and the Ouija Board
freeware I was redistributing doesn't work worth a fuck in a W9.x
environment.
>In another attempt to lull the next generation into the Church, we're editing
>our fuckin' _bible_
With the exception of the current storybook versions, the edits
you are complaining about were done hundreds or thousands of
years ago. You did get the reason right, though, I think.
The Bible is more consciously contructed propaganda than
historical fact.
A.Lizard
Felis Concolor
>BTW, when did polygamy die out?
It hasn't, completely.
Me and my favorite redhead once went to a party a few miles away.
There, we ran into a co-worker of Bobbi's, who had brought two
women.
Yes, he was living with them in polygamy. And it's perfectly legal,
as long as you don't attempt to get legally married.
For more on modern polygamy, visit alt.polyamory.
?Peeve: Those folks don't troll easy.
s...@treetnls.net
>
> I saw this stuff written by sni...@mindspring.com in article
> <3897836E...@mindspring.com>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
> >
> > "God is no respecter of persons."
> >
> > -- New Testament, Acts, X, 34
> >
> >
> Finding this quote to be amusing, I quickly ran to my bibles to check it out for
> myself.
>
> Yes, you heard me: bibles. I've a King James version a Roman Catholic version,
> a Roman Catholic childrens' version, and a King James childrens' version. I
> like to comparison shop dammit, and get my bible quotes selectively; next up--
> I'm gettin' me a copy of the Koran and a book of Mormon. Any way, in my KJV and
> CV, I find the quote. No problem, `taint like those pesky 10 Commandments that
> us Catlicks edited to suit our heathen Sunday-worship needs.
Ah hee, reminds me of the Church of the SubGenius's "X-Day". I drank gallons
of gin over a 3 day period, but one of my countless memories of the event
(outnumbered only by the things I DON'T remember, many of which were
thoughtfully recorded by disgusted SubGenii) was meeting the folks from the
Luciferian Liberation Front. they were selling MREs for $2 or 10 rounds of
7.62mm NATO ammunition, and handing out tracts.
The tracts were pure genius. I mean it, they weren't exactly parodies of Chick
Tracts, but rather ANTI-chick tracts.. and they were masterpieces. I still have
a few. The relevant one is called "Playing Favorites?".
As much as I'd love to scan and upload the thing, I'll post a URL instead:
http://www.geocities.com/~luciferians/
For those of you who might say "Whoopee, more "Bob" freaks", the SubGeniusness
doesn't overwhelm the site. These folks did their homework, scoured the Bible,
and have some good artwork to boot.
My favorite meme is the article from one of their newsletters that takes the
description of the "Kingdom of Heaven" given in Revelations, and points out that
it is an eerily accurate description of a Borg Mothership.
I give it 3 choads up. They take on the Bible Beaters on the BB's own home
turf, and provide a hell of a lot of laughs in between the soul-shaking terror
and abject horror.
ObT: Something few women will ever experience: I woke up the other day, hung
over and not wanting to leave my room and thus confront relatives. So I roll
over and grab my handy-dandy Piss Jug, an empty gallon plastic container.
Half asleep, I stuff the end of my choad into the opening and let fly.
MmmMMmHmm... uh? Whoops, guess it was a bit full to begin with. With an
indescribable noise the neck of the jug fills and cold, foamy stale urine
splashes up over my surprised glans.
Not to worry... after laying there for a minute, my trouser trout pinched
tight and my bladder muscles clenching, the foam died down and I was able to
fill the jug to within millimeters of the top.
I'd imagine that some housebound reclusive psycho women would invest in a
catheter... few things beat being able to take a piss while lying in bed.
ObT2: The jug is sitting across the room from me, looking for all the world
like apple juice. I'd have shitcanned it, but the trash can was full, and
besides, the sight of it keeps nosy relatives from EVER reaching underneath my
bed.
--
Rev. Syd Midnight - Remove TREET from address to reply
* Spam Accounts Killed: 2 Thanks to http://www.spamcop.net ! *
"The meaning of life is that nobody fucking knows, so we make up shit to feel
better. Good Luck!" -- Lemmy
robn...@my-deja.com
conc...@netcom.com (Felis Concolor) wrote:
> wor...@dworley.ne.mediaone.net (Acetylcholinesterase Inhibitor)
writes:
> >BTW, when did polygamy die out?
>
> It hasn't, completely.
>
> Me and my favorite redhead once went to a party a few miles away.
> There, we ran into a co-worker of Bobbi's, who had brought two
> women.
>
> Yes, he was living with them in polygamy. And it's perfectly legal,
> as long as you don't attempt to get legally married.
>
about two shakes after some Mormons moved north of 49 hoping to escape
persecution) explicitly says it's illegal, even if you're not pretending
that they're 'legal marriages'. I think Utah's situation is similar.
However, there are no prosecutions going on in either place (there's
never been a prosecution in Canada; a BC special prosecutor checking out
one group suggested that if there ever was it'd be shot down by our
shiny new 1982 constitution). So if you're up to it, have at 'er/'em, I
guess.
There was actually an interesting documentary on CBC last week showing
one Tom Green and his 5 or 6 (taped it, only saw bits, didn't get a good
count) wives. And he's, what, 51, and the wives are all under 30 or so?
He's either completely nuts, has balls that just won't quit, or (most
likely) a bit of both.
Fuck, I have trouble handling two wives sequentially, much less half a
dozen concurrently. A standard line in Mormon folklore (not necessarily
official doctrine) is that the church will reintroduce polygamy sometime
before the Second Coming. I hope I'm dead before that happens....
ObT: How most of you sick fucks would react upon hearing that the
standard Mormon way of doing the 'plural marriage' thing involves
separate households for each wife, including separate one-on-one
in-and-outs, and does not include weekly mass orgies involving multiple
lovelies handling your manflesh at the same time, with bits of lesbo
side action for variety. I think most of you would consider that quite
boring and not worth the effort. (OTOH, some quick web-surfing will
find you personals ads for non-Mormon arrangements that are as bi as you
want them to be; enjoy.)
ObFuckedUp: That football player who died a month after his car
accident. Let's see; speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, and then
getting flung from his vehicle 'cause he wasn't wearing his seatbelt;
and everyone calls him a hero and a role model?! Dumb shit. Please,
would someone from the NFL get up and say 'He was dumb as a bag of
hammers for allowing himself to get thrown onto his spine, and he
deserved to die. Stop worshipping him.' Please?!
Robert
--
From the messy desk of RobNorth 62 N 114 W
A flip dark chill winter bastard though dry (Burgess)
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
robn...@my-deja.com
> "Justme=AE" wrote:
> > I'm gettin' me a copy of the Koran and a book of Mormon. Any way,
> y KJV and
> > CV, I find the quote. No problem, `taint like those pesky 10
> nts that
> > us Catlicks edited to suit our heathen Sunday-worship needs.
[Dammit, Ginny, you got X-No-Archive on? My home newsfeed's spotty
again and unless someone's got a better alternative than deja....]
You want a Book of Mormon, check out
http://store.yahoo.com/infobases/enofmor.html. $5.95 gets you a CD-ROM
with what we call 'the standard works', i.e. a KJV Bible, Book of
Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. Also includes
the Encyclopedia of Mormonism and some other goodies. And that way, you
don't get those nice young men showing up at your doorstep.
Of course, if you *want* the nice young men to show up at your doorstep,
let me know; I can arrange personal delivery of an old-fashioned BoM,
and while they're there, they'll just ask for an hour of your time....
Service with a smile, indeed! (Or just call 1-888-537-7111, or visit
http://www.lds.org/fre_boo_of/fre_boo_of.html.)
ObDisclaimer: Hey, it's not like you can just pick these things up in
any bookstore! Go to Chapters or whatever and look in the
Religion/Spirituality/New Age section, and you can find just about any
book by/about just about any cult, except ours!
ObT: Trying to imagine the damage to the bodies in the Alaska Airlines
plane; 18k feet in a minute? Raspberry jam, anyone?
ObMoreT: Convincing clueless relatives that no, there won't be enough to
bury....
vineland repatriate
>There was actually an interesting documentary on CBC last week showing
>one Tom Green and his 5 or 6 (taped it, only saw bits, didn't get a good
>count) wives.
Every so often one of the US networks runs out of news and sends a crew to
Utah to meet some practising polygamists. Except when they start marrying
their thirteen year old cousins, these guys tend not to get into much
trouble. One show I saw had amusing footage from the '50's of a bust, as
an example of how long the whole thing had been going on intermittently.
Funniest bit was a bunch of the wives, dressed of course in period couture,
being rounded up.
I just don't usually think of Mrs. Cleaver being one of Ward's several
wives.
>ObFuckedUp: That football player who died a month after his car
>accident. Let's see; speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, and then
>getting flung from his vehicle 'cause he wasn't wearing his seatbelt;
>and everyone calls him a hero and a role model?!
If this is the wreck I heard about, it involved two of these guys in their
New Money Mobiles drag racing? I think the reason they're being worshipped
is that the one who died managed to take out an Aerostar type van full of
people while he made his own offramp. 'Course, no one's willing to *admit*
that's why they're still cheering, but I'm sure America's Funniest Home
Videos would love the footage.
-Peter
scr...@cyberpass.net
Justme®
<87s9c3$ltr$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
>
> > "Justme=AE" wrote:
> > > I'm gettin' me a copy of the Koran and a book of Mormon. Any way,
> in m=
> > y KJV and
> > > CV, I find the quote. No problem, `taint like those pesky 10
> Commandme=
> > nts that
> > > us Catlicks edited to suit our heathen Sunday-worship needs.
>
> [Dammit, Ginny, you got X-No-Archive on? My home newsfeed's spotty
> again and unless someone's got a better alternative than deja....]
I say very little that I think needs to be archived for all time; but I turned
it off for this post, just for you.
Try Remarq, BTW--those rotten bastards don't honor x-no-archive at all.
>
> You want a Book of Mormon, check out
> http://store.yahoo.com/infobases/enofmor.html. $5.95 gets you a CD-ROM
> with what we call 'the standard works', i.e. a KJV Bible, Book of
> Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. Also includes
> the Encyclopedia of Mormonism and some other goodies. And that way, you
> don't get those nice young men showing up at your doorstep.
>
> Of course, if you *want* the nice young men to show up at your doorstep,
> let me know; I can arrange personal delivery of an old-fashioned BoM,
> and while they're there, they'll just ask for an hour of your time....
I'm a curious sort, and always interested in learning...on my own. When people
start talking to me, my eyes tend to glaze over, and I start wondering when the
fuck they're going to get out of my face already.
Of course, the whole polygamy thing piques my interest--I wondered aloud to my
husband, if Mormons would allow women to have more than one husband; he readily
agreed to the idea, but said that I had to have only as many men as I could
support.
Damn, I couldn't support the one I have already unless I started hookin,' so
what's the point in having all those goddamn men around? I betcha NOT ONE
would change a lightbulb on a ceiling fixture of their own volition...or dare
cook dinner once in a while.
They'd all probably want their fuckin' shirts ironed as well....
--Ginny
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that
are bad for me"
--Monica Lewinsky discussing
weight loss on "Larry King Live"
robn...@my-deja.com
vineland repatriate <scrapie_at_cyberpass_dot_net> wrote:
> On Wed, 09 Feb 2000 16:28:32 GMT, robn...@my-deja.com wrote:
> >ObFuckedUp: That football player who died a month after his car
> >accident. Let's see; speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, and
then
> >getting flung from his vehicle 'cause he wasn't wearing his seatbelt;
> >and everyone calls him a hero and a role model?!
>
> If this is the wreck I heard about, it involved two of these guys in
their
> New Money Mobiles drag racing?
Naah, this is the one who was driving to the airport -- winter storm,
icy road, not my favourite stick-to-the-speed-limit conditions[1] -- to
fly to watch the Stupor Bowl[2]. Three in the car; two dead, one only
slightly injured. Guess what the only-slightly-injured guy was
wearing...?
The drag race duo was different. But the guy that the dead guy hit
wasn't killed, only injured (he was in an Olds or something equally
larger-than-a-Porsche, IIRC). And I understand the 'winner' of the race
may very well be locked up for dangerous driving or some such.
Dumbass football players. Are there any other kind?
ObT: My above paragraph in the context of the recent announcement,
courtesy Vince McMahon of WWF fame, of the new 'XFL' football league.
Need I say more? Two words: free steroids.
[1] Here's a hint: When the roads are icy, ignore the speed limit signs.
If your sphincter starts puckering the way it would on a roller
coaster, slow the fuck down no matter *what* the signs say.
[2] Yeah, I know, you guys finally had a decent football final to watch,
two weeks after I cut my cable. About fucking time....
Robert the dope-free (as opposed to 'the free dope')
Stephen
ginny_...@unforgettable.com (JustmeŽ) wrote:
> Of course, the whole polygamy thing piques my interest--I wondered aloud
to my
> husband, if Mormons would allow women to have more than one husband.
For polyandry you'd probably want to go in for Tibetan animism. I think
that would allow you four.
Roberta Hatch
>Naah, this is the one who was driving to the airport -- winter storm,
>icy road, not my favourite stick-to-the-speed-limit conditions[1] -- to
>fly to watch the Stupor Bowl[2]. Three in the car; two dead, one only
>slightly injured. Guess what the only-slightly-injured guy was
>wearing...?
Derrick Thomas was his name. He was a nine-time Pro Bowl
linebacker who played for the Kansas City Chiefs.
He broke his back and neck in the accident, but a blood clot
is what got him. They were lifting him into a wheelchair, with his
mother at his side, when it happened.
Rev. Syd Midnight
>
> On Wed, 09 Feb 2000 14:49:32 -0500, k...@duke.edu (Strayhorn) wrote:
>
> >vineland repatriate wrote:
>
> >> robn...@my-deja.com wrote:
> >> >ObFuckedUp: That football player who died a month after his car
> >>
> >> If this is the wreck I heard about, it involved two of these guys in their
> >> New Money Mobiles drag racing?
> >
>
> The drag-racing teammates in Charlotte was not a
> lingering thing. I remember seeing the news first
> thing the morning after, and there was a great deal
> of gnashing of teeth and bemoaning of Tragedy (Of
> The Young Leader "Taken" From Us), with only a tiny
> sotto voce mention that details of the accident had
> not yet been fully disclosed/explained.
Reminds me of a recent incident here in Cleveland. One dumb fucking player for
the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team was racing with a teammate on a highway,
and got pulled over by Officer Darwin. Not much local weeping, as basketball is
an acquired taste, and most of Cleveland could give a shit about the Cavaliers,
and besides, the pity factor was reduced when the cops reported that he'd been
driving 100 mph+... I'd consider it a blessed Darwin, except since he was a
basketball player, his sperm is probably at this moment still infecting several
wombs.
I love the Women's View on the USA's current crop of vicious, murderous
athletes. They put it into perspective. For a cruel knockout blow of irony,
check out this ObOnion link:
http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/nfl_star_homicide.html "NFL Star Thanks Jesus
After Successful Double Homicide".
But if you don't read The Onion, http://www.theonion.com , you're missing out
on your best weekly dose of cruel sarcasm. Sure there are 100 shitty "fake news"
humor pages out there, but only The Onion truly rules. Check out their archives.
ObT: As a Cleveland resident, the mourning our city went through after 3
Cleveland Indians relief pitchers got drunk, piled into a boat, and went roaring
around a lake in Florida. Sadly, the Indians lost that game to the Darwins...
they cruised at high speed right into a 5 foot high dock, decapitating 2
pitchers, and Tarding the third. Our relief pitching improved dramatically after
the incident, so no love lost here.
--
Rev. Syd Midnight - Remove TREET from address to reply
* Spam Accounts Killed: 2 Thanks to http://www.spamcop.net ! *
"Sorry about that Alaska Airlines thing, but those planes take fuckin' hours
to inspect, and well, I got a social life, ya know?"
-- Daniel Foti, Airplane Mechanic
Dr.Binky
(JustmeŽ) wrote:
>I saw this stuff written by sni...@mindspring.com in article
><3897836E...@mindspring.com>, and like, I just HAD to answer, ya know?:
>>
>> "God is no respecter of persons."
>>
>> -- New Testament, Acts, X, 34
>>
[snip nice rant]
>>
>God doesn't just punish *you* either; he spites generations of people; He cursed
>womanhood with menstrual and labor pains for that pesky apple business;
Shit, we don't even know what fruit it was. It could have been a
banana for all the bible tells us. NOWHERE is it mentioned. And what
exactly does this fruit of knowledge impart to Adam and Eve? That
they are naked. That's all. Mr Kind and Loving then heaves them out
of the garden for fear that they will go to another tree of knowledge
and get wise.
I recommend `Ken's Guide to the Bible' for all of you interested in
finding out things you might not have known.
Obt : A great many sections of the bible. Dashing babies against the
ground. Bears eating children for making fun of a prophet. Wholesale
slaughters.
Michael Cogan
Dr.Binky wrote in message +ADw-38aa3e6b.25298875+AEA-news.mira.net+AD4-...
+AD4-On Tue, 8 Feb 2000 10:29:12 -0500, ginny+AF8-isTRULY+AEA-unforgettable.com
+AD4-(Justme+AK4-) wrote:
+ADs-
+AD4-
+AD4-Shit, we don't even know what fruit it was.
That's because you never asked me.
The old Hebrew lady who was my next door neighbor when still alive and
probably
knew Eve in the non-biblical sense said that quince was the tree of
knowledge of
good and evil and that is why its' flavor had been changed to bitter.