Help Wanted: Meeting with Adventists
Rocqueforte OLeary
G'day,
How many times have you been woken up by scum-sucking "HI-ITS-8AM-
AND-JESUS-WANTS-ME-TO-TALK-TO-YOU" bible bashing freaks, and later
regretted that all you did was mutter "Smeg off" and slam the
door in their pustulent faces ? Well, now is your chance for revenge!
After coming back from the boondocks of my state this weekend (not
tasteless, just boring), a friend mentioned that the previous night,
whilst preparing for a party, he had been visited by "Missionaries".
Seeing that this friend was otherwise occupied, these bastards have
vowed to return this Sunday. My friends and I want suggestions as to
what we can do to them. There will be 2 of them, and 3 of us, and Mike
is soon vacating his apartment....these felchoids deserve all thats
coming to 'em IMNSFHO...I mean, what sort of religious idiot warns
of their planned invasion of your piss-up night ? ObShesh.
Go for it people,
ObSlightlyTasteless:
Whilst at Wonderland (tacky theme park..picture Disneyland, just
about 1000 times smaller), another mate, "The-Courier-From-Hell"
(coming soon to a pedestrian crossing near you) came up with the
concept of "Constapation ThemePark"...the LiquidShit ride,
designed to loosen the tightest bowels, the "Day-At-The-Trough"
to replace those games where you point a water stream at a target
to move a horse (replace water pistol with Choad of course). And
the guessing competions..."Guess My STD". Just some more ideas
for the AltTasteless ThemePark.
ObAngst:
Shit, re-reading this, it sounds too much like a newbie post...
its got CAPS, from an .edu site, has pathetic concepts, and
mis-speeling. Do I give a throng ? Nope.
--
,-_|\ *********** Rocqueforte Daemaen Alexander O'Leary ***********
/ \ B.App.Sci.(Comp),BPFH,Uni. Of Western Sydney,Nepean,Australia
\_.--_/ E-Mail: rol...@st.nepean.uws.edu.au Work Phone: 047 360 773
o "Boldly going where angels fear to tread."
z_clam...@ccsvax.sfasu.edu
>
> G'day,
> How many times have you been woken up by scum-sucking "HI-ITS-8AM-
> AND-JESUS-WANTS-ME-TO-TALK-TO-YOU" bible bashing freaks, and later
> regretted that all you did was mutter "Smeg off" and slam the
> door in their pustulent faces ? Well, now is your chance for revenge!
Living in East Texas - behind the Pine Curtain, the only thing we have more
of than Bible Thumpin assholes are pine trees - and that's a close race.
I think this is part of the "charm" of Nacogdoches - aka nacanowhere. I've
found that sprinkling salt and bleach on them when they walk up to the door
works very well. Of course, the best option I've heard of would be to start
having sex with someone while they're there - live in gf/bf? Just to picture
the expression on their faces as your (in)significant other goes down on you
in front of them would be priceless. (bonus points if they are the same sex)
Of course, offering them a "social" drink of everclear and flaming napalm would
work fairly well too.
Be imaginative, remember that they have a high tolerance for pain, and don't
have souls anyway so what the hell. Kill all ya want. If they're catholic,
they'll just make more anyway. .
T.C.
Steve Howie
If any of you are fortunate to read VIZ magazine ( the last word in
tasteless cartoon strips ), they used to have a strip call 'Ivan Jelical'.
This braindead fuckwit was a bible thumper who used to try to spread the
word by knocking on peoples doors at 7a.m. - his problem was that the
people who answered the door were mostly skinheads or gnarly old
dockworkers trying to get to sleep after coming off of the night shift.
What they used to do to him was great :) Pick up a copy if you can - I
implore you !
Scotty
--
p.s. Anyone see the picture of the Pope coming off the plane in Kingston,
Jamaica? It looked like he had knocked back one too many gin and tonics on
the flight over, and was hurling chunks on the runway. Claims he is
kissing the ground. Yeah, right :)
=========================================================================
Steve Howie | email: sho...@uoguelph.ca
Computing and Comm. Services | Fax: (519) 763-6143
University of Guelph | Phone: (519) 824-4120 x2556
Guelph, Ontario
CANADA N1G 2W1
If its not Scottish it's C-r-r-raaaaaaaaaapppp!!
Phill Hatch - CONTRACTOR Documentation
> what we can do to them. There will be 2 of them, and 3 of us, and Mike
> is soon vacating his apartment....these felchoids deserve all thats
> coming to 'em IMNSFHO...I mean, what sort of religious idiot warns
> of their planned invasion of your piss-up night ? ObShesh.
Well, start with some used and dirtied condoms lying on the only
available seats. Have a porno video playing at low volume in the
background. Mention the great rape scene coming up later.
Soiled, bloodied underwear peeking out from under the couch. A
tube of empty KY jelly should be visible somewhere. Put out a
Twister game with a gallon jar of Wesson oil, or a can of Crisco
next to it. Ask questions about sex and blood. For instance:
"Is oral sex ok? It's not cannibalism or anything is it?
Or only if ya swallow? Cool..
I mean, I had to do certain things to get my SOs and I'm
not going to lose them?" The bible doesn't say anything
about it, does it?
"What about blood? I've heard that sex and blood are all
tied together in the bible. That's why some groups are
against oral sex, because you are accepting blood like
products into your body. Gee, what about anal sex? 'Cause
then you're bleedin' an' receivin' semen.
"Can I have transfusions?"
Adventists, adventists, OH! Talk about all the shopping and
work and other "non sabbath" activities you have to do on Saturday.
How Saturday is the most partyingest day and so on. I think
adventists also follow a very strict diet, banning alcohol, so
throw some empties around and offer them only alcohol to drink.
Recommended coffee table literature. Anything with Aleister
Crowley in big letters, Some wiccan information, a Tarot deck--
dealt out over a pentagram, some crystals, a peace sign,
candles and incense are good, a cup of ammonia in a back corner
to give authentic smells along with some vinegar or something
boiling in the kitchen. Keep the room dim, and answer the door
in your underwear or less. Hang a picture of a goat on the
wall.
--
Phil "Maybe Death is a ship!",
pha...@solstice.mentorg.com "No, Death is the ultimate negative.
Not being. You can't `not be' on a boat."
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern "I've frequently not been on boats."
are Dead
Mike Weber
In a previous article, rol...@st.nepean.uws.edu.au (Rocqueforte OLeary) says:
>How many times have you been woken up by scum-sucking "HI-ITS-8AM-
>AND-JESUS-WANTS-ME-TO-TALK-TO-YOU" bible bashing freaks, and later
>regretted that all you did was mutter "Smeg off" and slam the
>door in their pustulent faces ? Well, now is your chance for revenge!
>After coming back from the boondocks of my state this weekend (not
>tasteless, just boring), a friend mentioned that the previous night,
>whilst preparing for a party, he had been visited by "Missionaries".
>Seeing that this friend was otherwise occupied, these bastards have
>vowed to return this Sunday. My friends and I want suggestions as to
>what we can do to them. There will be 2 of them, and 3 of us, and Mike
>is soon vacating his apartment....these felchoids deserve all thats
>coming to 'em IMNSFHO...I mean, what sort of religious idiot warns
>of their planned invasion of your piss-up night ? ObShesh.
Someone once posted a bunch of stuff to do to those darned pesky jesus
freaks...
(1) Stand there and scream, close the door, run out into the driveway, jump
in the car and drive away.
(2) Just stare at them awhile, then quietly interupt them and say "Quiet.
They'll hear you." Then close the door.
(3) Yell at them "What the Hell are you doing? Your sppsed to make the drop
on the back porch!"
(4) Offre to buy the services of a female in the group. Also works with young
men.
(5) Ask if any of them are virgins. There's a scarifice tonight and you're
fresh out.
(6) Answer the door, hand them a bag of freshly laid shit and close the door.
>ObSlightlyTasteless:
>Whilst at Wonderland (tacky theme park..picture Disneyland, just
>about 1000 times smaller), another mate, "The-Courier-From-Hell"
>(coming soon to a pedestrian crossing near you) came up with the
>concept of "Constapation ThemePark"...the LiquidShit ride,
>designed to loosen the tightest bowels, the "Day-At-The-Trough"
>to replace those games where you point a water stream at a target
>to move a horse (replace water pistol with Choad of course). And
>the guessing competions..."Guess My STD". Just some more ideas
>for the AltTasteless ThemePark.
I'm still collecting my alt.tasteless world posts....
ObATatseless:
Aren't you the person who posted the A.T. Gilligan's Island story and
never followed thru with getting someone to continue it?
Mark T Nesdoly
out with some JFs that kept coming over once a week. I think it was posted
about 9 - 12 months ago. If someone has it somewhere, then please post it
again.
Summary: This guy's boss had a real weird sense of humor. So when he
was targetted by the JFs for regular harassment, he asked his boss for help.
The JFs appeared regularly at a certain time every week. So his boss gets
there with a suitcase about 30 minutes before they're due to arrive. He
goes upstairs and changes. The JFs arrive, and while the guy is at the door
with them, they hear a <clomp> <clomp> <clomp> on the stairs behind them.
Down comes his boss in a pink lace teddy, black lace bra, army boots, badly
applied make-up, welding gloves, and holding a small garden trowel. He says
something to the effect of "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company. I
was just going out to do some gardening." And out he went, and started to
scratch around in the garden. The JFs didn't come back.
If you have it saved, then please post it. My little summary is from memory
alone, and some details may be wrong. But one thing I do remember is that
it was the funniest thing that I had read on here in a long time.
-- Mark
Gross opinions are mine, not my employer's.
Dale R. Worley
How many times have you been woken up by scum-sucking "HI-ITS-8AM-
AND-JESUS-WANTS-ME-TO-TALK-TO-YOU" bible bashing freaks, and later
regretted that all you did was mutter "Smeg off" and slam the
door in their pustulent faces?
Here's a concept I stole from someone, though I've never used it myself:
Have some sort of clearly pagan altar in the corner, incense burning,
dark tapestries, etc. Invite them in. They'll say they're from the
Mormons or whatever.
You: "The Mormons? Aren't you the people who sacrifice babies?"
Them: "Uh, no..."
You: "Oh. I'm into Satanism, myself. Want to have sex?"
That's usually enough to get them to clear out.
Or you can say:
You: "I'd rather not discuss my religion. I'm not sure it's legal in
this country."
Answering the door nude is supposed to work well, but might get you
talked about if you live in a small town. But you're unlikely to get
prosecuted for flashing your choad. Any jury would consider it too
much of a hoot.
Dale
Dale Worley Dept. of Math., MIT d...@math.mit.edu
--
Mary Chung's was collateral damage in the War On Drugs! --John Romkey
Michael G. Wright
>ObATatseless:
>Aren't you the person who posted the A.T. Gilligan's Island story and
>never followed thru with getting someone to continue it?
No, that was me. Funny, I didn't think that the post made it out of Oz, but
there you go! Unfortunately, I deleted the story, so I can't repost it for
another try. Oh well...
ObYummy :
Last week I was gifted with a case of the runs. The best one of them
was toward the end. It was a smallish turd, semi-solid and came out rather
easily. What followed in its wake was a massive gush of water and semi-digested
food that must have been held in solely by this Turdplug (Tm pending). The
pain felt in the rest of my bowels at this moment was exquisite. I felt that
there must have been more to satiate my need to feel the flow of runny shit
out of my ass, but alas, being the cruel mistress that it is to me, my
intestine would not release any more of its magical load.
Turning around to inspect the beauty of the bowl, I noted the lovely
color produced (what you'd call a dark browny green, a bit like what you'd
expect spinach and dark mud mixed together to look like). Little bits floated
on the surface and I could just make out the shape of my little stopper that
had protected the virginity of my underwear so well. Alas, the camera was not
handy, so no GIF's until next time this happens!
ObOffTopic :
We're way off topic.
--
Michael Wright _-_|\
LaTrobe University, / \ "Good, fast, cheap : Pick any two."
Melbourne, Australia. \_.-_*/ - Unknown.
wri...@latcs1.lat.oz.au v
Anthony J. Sander
> in the car and drive away.
> (2) Just stare at them awhile, then quietly interupt them and say "Quiet.
> They'll hear you." Then close the door.
> (3) Yell at them "What the Hell are you doing? Your sppsed to make the drop
> on the back porch!"
> (4) Offre to buy the services of a female in the group. Also works with young
> men.
> (5) Ask if any of them are virgins. There's a scarifice tonight and you're
> fresh out.
> (6) Answer the door, hand them a bag of freshly laid shit and close the door.
(7) Fill a SuperSoaker<tm> with fresh piss, with a little bit of LiquiShit to
make the concoction even more beautiful, and fire away!
ObCoprophile: My best mate is seriously considering shitting down his next
door neighbour's chimney soon, and he's after some hints and tips on other
good places to take a dump. He's already done it onto cars off a railway
bridge, and i've told him about some of the fun places that i've read about
here (out of car windows, on the seats of tractors etc). He'd also like
suggestions on where to piss. He's pissed off the same bridge he shat from,
he always pissed at train stations, he's pissed in letterboxes, he's pissed
on doorsteps, he's pissed on dogs, he's pissed on people clothes-lines (with
clothes still on them) ... he's running out of ideas. Any ideas?
Cheers.
- tony "I only piss in private" sander
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
gu...@cumquat.apana.org.au (Anthony J. Sander)
Cumquat Public Access Internet. Adelaide, Australia. +61-8-287-1938 V.32b
Public.access.news.n.mail.r.us, almost anyone welcome.
u106...@keystone.arch.unsw.edu.au
>
>ObCoprophile: My best mate is seriously considering shitting down his next
>door neighbour's chimney soon, and he's after some hints and tips on other
>good places to take a dump. He's already done it onto cars off a railway
>bridge, and i've told him about some of the fun places that i've read about
>here (out of car windows, on the seats of tractors etc). He'd also like
>suggestions on where to piss. He's pissed off the same bridge he shat from,
>he always pissed at train stations, he's pissed in letterboxes, he's pissed
>on doorsteps, he's pissed on dogs, he's pissed on people clothes-lines (with
>clothes still on them) ... he's running out of ideas. Any ideas?
>
>Cheers.
>
> - tony "I only piss in private" sander
yeah, how about pissing on toilet rolls in public lavatories!!!!
mike
IVA...@gateway.atd.cra.com.au
> > (1) Stand there and scream, close the door, run out into the driveway, jump
> > in the car and drive away.
> > (2) Just stare at them awhile, then quietly interupt them and say "Quiet.
> > They'll hear you." Then close the door.
> > (3) Yell at them "What the Hell are you doing? Your sppsed to make the drop
> > on the back porch!"
> > (4) Offre to buy the services of a female in the group. Also works with young
> > men.
> > (5) Ask if any of them are virgins. There's a scarifice tonight and you're
> > fresh out.
> > (6) Answer the door, hand them a bag of freshly laid shit and close the door.
>
> (7) Fill a SuperSoaker<tm> with fresh piss, with a little bit of LiquiShit to
> make the concoction even more beautiful, and fire away!
or -
(8) When they offer to bless your house say "sure, if I can return the favour
and bless yours". Then round up your sabbatic goats and babylonian whores
and head off to party.
matthew Reinker
>In <ZkyF9B...@cumquat.apana.org.au> gu...@cumquat.apana.org.au writes:
>
>> > (1) Stand there and scream, close the door, run out into the driveway, jump
>>
>> (7) Fill a SuperSoaker<tm> with fresh piss, with a little bit of LiquiShit to
>> make the concoction even more beautiful, and fire away!
> or -
>
> (8) When they offer to bless your house say "sure, if I can return the favour
> and bless yours". Then round up your sabbatic goats and babylonian whores
> and head off to party.
My God! I wrote the first six of these before I left for the summer. I
can't beleive it's still around. Were there any other good additions that
I missed in my absense(if the last word is misspelled, I don't give a shit.)
Hmmmmm, since I replied, I better add something.
(9) Be nice, converse and smile and answer questions to the best of
your ability. When they leave, start following them where ever they go.
If they ask you any questions, just smile and chuckle evilly.
X
--
"Pathetic victims of arrested development! * mrei...@nyx.cs.du.edu
Prepare to hear the VOICE of REASON!!!!" * (Matt Reinker)
~~~~The Chainsaw Vigilante~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have no idea where these opinions came from. It's not my fault!!!
garth
I think your friend's problem is that he's running out of challenges.
Climbing someone's roof and dropping a load down their chimney is
impressive enough, sure, but many of the rest lack that certain chutzpah.
To get that ol' adrenaline kick back into his life, he could try:
+ On any seat on an STA bus, tram or train
+ From the top of any multi-storey building in the CBD
+ From the operating booth of one of those =really large= cranes
+ ... or, for extra points, from the apex
+ On the bonnet of a moving vehicle
+ On top of a public telephone box
... and, if he doesn't quite get away with any of these,
+ The back seat of the arresting officer's vehicle.
--
# Contents of the large box:
#
# a housecat corpse named Schrodinger's Cat