Death of a Cane Toad
Greg Widdicombe
Cane Toads (Bufos Marinas?) are an obnoxious, brown, warty type of
frog (OK, toad) that inhabit vast areas of Australia. Their
introduction and proliferation in Australia is a classic example of
ecology gone wrong. In the beginning, there were no cane toads in
Australia. Sugar cane was introduced to its fair shores, along with
the sugar cane came the cane beetle, a nasty, brown insect about 3/4
inch long.
"How do we stop the cane beetle," ask the scientists, "the little
fuckers are eating all our sugar cane."
"Ahhh," says someone clever, "Why not look around the world to see
what eats cane beetles, then introduce them into Australia and the
problemo is solved!"
Wrong.
They found a natural predator in the cane toad, which came from Hawaii
of all places. In 1935, 55 pairs (as in 110) cane toads were released
in the small North Queensland town of Gordonvale. Unfortunately,
Australia did not have any predators that liked to eat the toads,
probably due to the poison glands on the back of their neck.
Similarly, the cane toads found that there was much more interesting
and tasty stuff to eat than boring old cane beetles.
The result was a plague of biblical proportions.
As a consequence, every man, woman and child living north of Sydney
has grown up knowing the extreme pleasure of killing cane toads.
Motorists swerve to hit them, cricketers hoist them for a six
(equivalent of home run for you 'Merkins) over the boundary, weekend
gardeners chase them down with a lawn mower.
The following, is some of the many varied ways I have dispatched these
nasty little buggers while I lived in Queensland. Perhaps some other
Aussies can add to the list, what about you Hawaiians out there?
THE THONG SLAP (TS)
The Thong Slap (TS) is not fatal to a cane toad, but is an important
component of many of the other means of disposal. To perform a TS,
one quickly removes their thong (rubber, sandal-like footwear) and
slaps a toad hard on the head. This stuns the toad and stops it from
hopping all over the place.
DEATH BY CLUBBING
#1) Take golf clubs out into the back yard, usually only a 2-wood,
6-iron and 9-iron. Find a toad and dispatch with club of your choice.
If the toad is sitting upright, use the driver. Extra points are
awarded for lofted shots over the house and on to the street. Hitting
a "slice" tends to result in separate pieces of toad.
#2) Take a field hockey stick and dispatch as above. Remember not to
raise the head of the stick above shoulder height, otherwise a penalty
may ensue.
#3) Using a cricket stump, first smash the toad with the blunt end,
then reverse the stump and impale it with the pointed end. Shake the
toad off the pointed end and repeat if necessary.
DEATH BY GARDEN TOOL
A special class devoted to common garden tools. Favorite tools are
the shovel (hit with flat side, then chop up with blade), the mattock
(chopping only), the pitch fork (see how many you can collect) and the
axe (slice and dice).
DEATH BY SPORTING EQUIPMENT
Another special class, covering those instruments not involved with
clubbing. Some nice effects can be gained with tennis rackets (small
toads only - great for perfecting that two-handed backhand), darts
(nothing like a moving bullseye) and football boots.
DEATH BY SLICING AND CHOPPING
#1) Take you mother's best carving knife outside and see if you
*really* can throw it like a Bowie knife.
#2) After performing a TS, flip the toad over and use an Xacto knife
to practice your vivisection techniques. See how much you can remove
and still get the toad to hop away.
#3) Perform TS, throw toad into the air and try to hit with a machete.
More points are awarded if the pieces are equal in size.
DEATH BY SQUASHING
#1) One of my all-time faves: Perform a TS, then throw the toad out
onto a bust street. Bet with friends how many cars will miss it
before it goes POP.
#2) Go to the local cricket field late at night. Using repeated TS's,
gather a large quantity of stunned toads. Arrange in a line and then
run over them with the heavy roller used for the cricket pitch. Try
to get them feet first so all the guts pop out the mouth.
#3) The two footed jump.
#4) The brick target-toss. TS a toad, then step some distance back
and lob bricks at it.
DEATH BY PROJECTILE
#1) The air rifle. Try to get those difficult lung shots so they hop
around blowing red frothy bubbles. Try a hard to get glancing head
shot, that leaves the skull exposed and the toad still alive.
#2) Target shooting. TS a number of toads and then pin them to the
clothesline with pegs. Keep shooting till they break off.
#3) Get some long wooden cotton swabs that you use to clean VCR heads.
Sharpen the end of the stick, then soak the swab in alcohol (or
gasoline). Load backwards into air rifle (so sick comes out first)
and shoot toad. Light the swab as it hops away so remaining shots in
the dark are easier.
MISCELLANEOUS
#1) Douse toad in kerosene and light.
#2) Rummage through doctors trash cans for discarded syringes with
needles. Inject toads with various chemicals and note results. DDT
based insecticides work well.
#3) Put toad in jar with pool chlorine. Add vinegar so chlorine gas
is produced. Cap jar and watch toad turn white.
#4) Fill a bucket with boiling water. TS toads, then drop in for
instant gratification.
#5) Put football inflation needle on the end of a bike pump. TS a
toad, then insert needle into toad's bum. Pump vigorously and see
which organs are expelled through the mouth.
#6) Tie toads to the back of your bike, then go off for a fun ride!
--
Greg Widdicombe | Advanced Decision Systems | _--_|\
* Up from Down Under * | 1500 Plymouth Street, | / *\
| Mountain View. CA 94043 | \_.--._/
widd...@ads.com | (415) 960-7300 | v
Crunchy Frog
...about 100 lines of extremely revolting ways to do in God's creatures...
Greg, you have restored my faith in this group. After being treated to
Youngie and urine for days we finally have a prime example of truly tasteless
activity -- killing off animals in cruel and unusual ways. It brings back
memories of slugicide, insect annihilation, cat killing, etc.
I hereby name Oct 17th Greg Widdicombe day in honor of this very revolting
(and extremely imaginative) posting.
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The opinions above are not mine. I stole them all from the person sitting next
to me. If you don't like them, I can get you his address and you can kill him.
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Alan "Long live the Goon Show" Morgan | "You rotton swine, you!" - Bluebottle
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"Watch out! This gun is loaded and so am I." - Major Denis Bloodnok
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-Yakaboo! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-Yakaboo!
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Harry the Dirty Dog
>First, an introduction.
>The following, is some of the many varied ways I have dispatched these
>nasty little buggers while I lived in Queensland. Perhaps some other
>Aussies can add to the list, what about you Hawaiians out there?
Ah, yes, Cane Toads. Although I live in Melbourne, a friend and I
drove up to Rockhampton in Queensland. On our first night in town
when we went to sleep in the Youth Hostel, we were amazed by the
chorus of RIBBITT's around the entire town. The whole place was just
Canetoadsville wherever you went.
One way that I heard of was the old tried and tested Towel and Sledge
Hammer method. You drop an old towel over the cane toad, apparently
they get a little confused by this and don't jump away, and then bash
it's head in with a sledge hammer. The towel has the extra added
advantage of stopping toad bits from splattering all over the place.
--
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Harry the Dirty Dog "That's the problem with plutonium, it's
pretty limited in its applications. It's not
s86...@minyos.xx.rmit.oz.au user friendly, but as a vehicle for regaining
ha...@thistle.img.com.au self respect, its got a lot going for it"
- Darius Jedburgh
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hil...@hydra.unm.edu
bunch of pretty sick shit about how to kill giant toads. (Way to go!)
This list included:
>
>DEATH BY SPORTING EQUIPMENT
>Another special class, covering those instruments not involved with
>clubbing. Some nice effects can be gained with tennis rackets (small
>toads only - great for perfecting that two-handed backhand), darts
>(nothing like a moving bullseye) and football boots.
But unfortunately neglected LACROSSE STICKS!!! Imagine, if you will, lots of
preppy high school guys scooping up the wee froggies with their lacrosse
sticks (for those who never had the "thrill" of attending prep school, a
lacrosse stick is basically a four-foot long stick with a basket on the end)
and bouncing them off of ivy-covered brick buildings. Ah, springtime!
This also reminded me of being a little kid at summer camp and making those
model rocket things. We were always careful to build the ones with a payload
section so that newts, frogs, assorted bugs, etc., could go for a ride. You
had to be really careful to glue the payload section so that it wouldn't come
apart during flight. Of course you could only wonder what happened to the
rockets that got stuck in a tree with their passengers. I guess they got to
hang out for a while, eh?
--
Dan Hillman If all of the poetry and nonsense that have been
hil...@hydra.unm.edu discharged upon the bland scenery of this region
University of New Mexico were collected in a book, it would make a most
Land of Fucking Enchantment valuable volume to burn. - Samuel Clemens
Nelson Kwai
You could stick a cigarette in their mouth, they don't seem to spit it
out and tend to puff away. At their rapid breathing rate they look like
steam engines. (Nope, haven't tried anything else besides tobacco..)
Curtis Yarvin
>
>They found a natural predator in the cane toad, which came from Hawaii
>of all places. In 1935, 55 pairs (as in 110) cane toads were released
>in the small North Queensland town of Gordonvale. Unfortunately,
>Australia did not have any predators that liked to eat the toads,
>probably due to the poison glands on the back of their neck.
Rumor has it that the "poison" the cane toad secretes is actually a
hallucinogen; thus the nefarious practice of "toad licking." Can you
confirm (or deny) this juicy urban legend?
c
Al Thompson
In article <up1z4...@ads.com> widd...@ADS.COM (Greg Widdicombe) writes:
[...]
>Australia did not have any predators that liked to eat the toads,
>probably due to the poison glands on the back of their neck.
Rumor has it that the "poison" the cane toad secretes is actually a
hallucinogen; thus the nefarious practice of "toad licking." Can you
confirm (or deny) this juicy urban legend?
Yes, this is true. Unfortunately the critter in question secretes a
mixture of toxins. One of these is a cardiac glycoside. Those toxins
cause your heart to slow. If the dose is high enough your heart rate
slows to zero. Kids, don't try this at home.
Dan Matt
>In article <up1z4...@ads.com> widd...@ADS.COM (Greg Widdicombe) writes a
>bunch of pretty sick shit about how to kill giant toads. (Way to go!)
>
>This list included:
>>
>>DEATH BY SPORTING EQUIPMENT
>>Another special class, covering those instruments not involved with
>>clubbing. Some nice effects can be gained with tennis rackets (small
>>toads only - great for perfecting that two-handed backhand), darts
>>(nothing like a moving bullseye) and football boots.
How about jai-alai sticks? I bet you could play a pretty mean game of
jai-alai with those suckers! You could probably fling those little guys pretty
hard and fast, but I imagine the catching part could probably get a bit messy!
:)
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? \|/ | Now I lay me down to sleep, ?
? / \ Are | I pray the funk will make me freak, ?
? / \ we | If I should die before I waked, ?
? / * * \ having | Allow me Lord to rock out naked! ?
? @ ___ @ fun yet? | ?
? \_____/ | "Sir Psycho Sexy" -- Red Hot Chili Peppers ?
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