Message from discussion
Personal Computer Awarness Dictionary
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
From: G...@vfuture.demon.co.uk ("Gavin J. Munday")
Path: nntp.gmd.de!newsserver.jvnc.net!news.edu.tw!rs540.ncu.edu.tw!news.cc.nctu.edu.tw!nctuccca.edu.tw!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!demon!vfuture.demon.co.uk!Gazz
Subject: Personal Computer Awarness Dictionary
Organization: Visual Future International BBS Service
Reply-To: G...@vfuture.demon.co.uk
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Date: Thu, 24 Nov 1994 09:07:46 +0000
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******************************************
THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY
******************************************
Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution?
Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesmen to browse because you
don't understand their language? Well, here's a quick lesson on just what
some of those slick phrases you've heard REALLY mean!
IBM-COMPATIBLE: not IBM-compatible
FULLY IBM-COMPATIBLE: somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC
programs
100% IBM-COMPATIBLE: compatible with most available hardware and
software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the
day after tomorrow
LAP-TOP: smaller and lighter than the average secretary
PORTABLE: smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator
TRANSPORTABLE: neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
system
HARD DISK: a device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts
of data with simple commands
MOUSE: a peripheral originally named "vermiform appendix" because
of its functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat
toy
PRINTER: an electromechanical paper-shredding device
MODEM: a peripheral used in the unsucessful attempt to get two
computers to communicate with each other
NETWORK: an electronic means of allowing more than one person at a
time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to
useful data
DOCUMENTATION: a perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only
in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are
unavailable, normally employed only as a decorative bookend
USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a full-color manual
VERY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with an on-disk and audiotape
tutorial, so the user needn't bother with the full-color manual
EXTREMELY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a mouse so that the
computer user needn't bother with the on-disk and audiotape
tutorial, the full-color manual, or the program itself
EASY TO LEARN: hard to use
EASY TO USE: hard to learn
EASY TO LEARN & USE: won't do what you want it to
POWERFUL: hard to learn and use
MENU-DRIVEN: easy to learn
COPY-PROTECTED: (1) a clever method of preventing incompetent
pirates from STEALING software and legitimate customers from
USING it. (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from
thieves by preventing larceny by the former but not the latter.
WARRANTY: an unconditional guarantee that the program purchased
is actually included on the disk in the box
VERSION 1.0: buggier than Maine in June, eats data
VERSION 1.1: eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid
litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0
VERSION 2.0: the version originally planned as the first release
[execept for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem
to go away], no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt
VERSION 3.0: the revision in the works when the company goes
bankrupt
NOW AVAILABLE: available any day now
AVAILABLE SOON: should be out within a year
AVAILABLE MAY 1: version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1
STANDARD: similar to something else on the market
BACKUP: the duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered
to make
SPREADSHEET: a program that gives the user quick and easy access
to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly
inaccurate assumptions
WORD PROCESSOR: software that magically transforms its user
into a professional author
BUSINESS GRAPHICS: popular with managers who understand neither
decimals, fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI, but have more than
a passing acquaintance with pies and bars
DATABASE MANAGER: a program that allows the user to manipulate
data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential
one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes
of raw data
INTEGRATED SOFTWARE: a single product that deftly performs
hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly
performs the half-dozen he uses constantly
WINDOWS: a method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
unusably tiny portions
--
Many thanks;
_____ ______________________________
/ ____| | Sysop of Visual Future BBS |
| | __ __ _ ________ | For More info, Mail the |
| | |_ |/ _` |_ /_ / | Following; |
| |__| | (_| |/ / / / | I...@VFUTURE.DEMON.CO.UK or |
\_____|\__,_/___/___| | SY...@VFUTURE.DEMON.CO.UK |
-------------------------------
Gavin J. Munday at Visual Future BBS in Reading, UK
... Vulgarity: The conduct of others.
|
