lots of jokes

[FredBhere]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat
at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the
guy next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a
very special bar."

"Why's that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original
Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right?

Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump
out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're
pushed back up."

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he
walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and
falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop,
and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out
the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to
a stop, and whoosh!

He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try.

It's a blast," he says.

"Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and
proceeds to fall out the window.. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40...
50...60...70... 80...90... 100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road
pizza on the footpath.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back
to the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you can
be mean after a few drinks......."

WHY ASK WHY
> Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the
protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up
ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes,why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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Cheap Parking

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said,
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal,
and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check
and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for
two weeks and pay only $15.40?

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The Priest

There is a priest who lives up on a hill and down below is a valley where
there lies a city which is all enclosed by water (an island). One day there
is a massive flood and helicopters are needed to rescue the people. One of
the helicopters flies over to the priest telling the priest that they will
save him from the flood. The priest responds, "No,No,No, I believe in god,
god will save me". The helicopter leaves. The water rises to the priest
first level of the house and the priest is hanging out of the window on the
second level. The helicopter comes back again and tells the priest that
they will save him. The priest responds "No,No,No, I believe in god, god
will save me". The helicopter leaves and the water rises. The priest is
standing in the roof and the water is up to his ankles. The helicopter
comes back again and throws down a rope and they scream "Come on we will
save you!" The priest responds "No,No,No, I believe in god, god will save
me." the helicopter leaves. The water rises and the priest dies. The priest
then goes to Heaven where he gets to ask God one question. The priest says
"How can you let me die, I believed in you and I had faith in you, how
could you let me die? God replies "I don't understand, I mean I sent the
helicopters three times for you".

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Letter from College
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called
the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital,
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement
room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give
it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a
child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood
tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than
ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village
in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a
"D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these
marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter
Betty Sue

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The Atlanta School Board is designating Southern slang, or
"Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
I ain't herd from him in munts."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."

ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be
from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with
that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Things I just knew you were dying to know:
>
> A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
>
> In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to
> mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance)
> but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That
> is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
>
> The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with
> the shutter on backwards.
>
> The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
> ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A
> rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode
> through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a
> slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
>
> The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two
> synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and
> separate.
>
> The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
> repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
>
> Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
> correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
> arsenic."
>
> Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
> Australian coat of arms for that reason.
>
> Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only
> have about ten.
>
> The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
> "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
>
> Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
>
> Camel's milk does not curdle.
>
> In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>
> An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
>
> Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to
> clean elephants.
>
> The United States has never lost a war in which mules were
> used.
>
>
> Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald
> Reagan.
>
> All porcupines float in water.
>
> Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
>
> Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
>
> Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an
> alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild
> Kingdom."
>
> Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
>
> If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New
> Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from
> the town.
>
> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
> days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The
> horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how
> to walk up straight staircases.
>
> Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
>
> The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."
> (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
>
> Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its
> state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
>
> The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't
> end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
>
> Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the
> first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's
> independence.
>
> When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing."
> They actually pass out from sheer terror.
>
> The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
> every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
> take into account the weight of all the books that would
> occupy the building.

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DRIVERS

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake,
mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds
bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily
at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind
curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail
to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle
steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in
the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own
or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving
gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for
landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any
bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado
resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on
floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now
wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver

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STUPID COURT QUESTIONS

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
*******************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
*******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*******************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
*******************************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
*******************************
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
*******************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
*******************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*******************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*******************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*******************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
*******************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*******************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
*******************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
*******************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*******************************
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*******************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
*******************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*******************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
*******************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*******************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
*******************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school
do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
********************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleeps, in
most cases he just passes quitely away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
********************************
Q: Was it you or your brother than was killed in the war?
********************************
Q: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
********************************
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
********************************
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
********************************
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
********************************
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
********************************
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
********************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
*********************************
Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
*********************************
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
*********************************
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
*********************************
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
****

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A cotton-tail rabbit,nibbling thoughtfully at his evening carrot,noticed
that his son was in a particulaly jovial mood. "What makes Junior so
happy?" he asked. Mama rabbit explained,"He had a wonderful time at school
today. He learned how to multiply."

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Dear Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check
up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the
following, your husband will surely die."

1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in
a good mood."

2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good
frame of mind before he goes back to work."

3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores."

4. "Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.

She replied, "You're going to die."

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FARMER'S DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.

Attorney: May I help you?
Farmer: Yes, I want to file for one of those "DAYVORCES"
Attorney: Well, do you have grounds?
Farmer: Yes, I have almost 140 acres.
Attorney: No, You don't understand. Do you have case?
Farmer: No, butt I got a nice John Deere.
Attorney: You still don't understand. I mean, "DO you have a grudge?"
Farmer: Yes, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere always.
Attorney: Do you think you have a suit?
Farmer: Yes, Sir. I got a suit. I use it every Sunday to church.
Attorney: Well, Sir; does your wife beat you up or anything?
Farmer: No Sir, We both get up at 4:30.
Attorney: WELL, then: Is she a nagger?
Farmer: No. She's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger, and that's why I want this "DAYVORCE"

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HOUSEKEEPER

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the
meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely
the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder
if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met
the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekkeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The priest said, "well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the
fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have
found the gravy ladle by now."

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