Well, last night we had another Notes Gateway crash (not really a
surprise anymore); apparently, Lee Cockrell, my peer in one of our
other offices got the duty of dealing with it.  Appears he was
inspired enough to create our own "Generic Sysadmin Report," as I
found this in my mailbox late last night - all authorship credit
goes to him; this one is filled in, for your own viewing entertain-
ment.

(Posted with permission from the author)

Russell

-- begin
Date: Thu, 22 May 1997 22:47:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: the paper chase guy <cockr...@cybercash.com>
To: XXXXX...@cybercash.com
Subject: notes outage
Message-Id: <Pine.SUN.3.91.970522223130.3391D-100000@cybercash.com>

                Generic Sysadmin Report
           /* v0.1, cockrell@cybercash.com */

        The following broke today.  (check all that apply)

[ ] FTP/WWW site       [ ] Firewall                  [ ] physical network
[ ] Windows NT Server  [X] Lotus Notes SMTP gateway  [ ] Novell LAN
[ ] sendmail           [ ] Router                    [ ] mainframe
[ ] printer            [ ] Big Boss' machine         [ ] UNIX box
[ ] ______________'s porn archive     [ ] Database server
[ ] Exabyte 8mm tape drive            [ ] RAID array
[ ] something of greater complexity than I can describe in small
    enough words for management to understand
[ ] other _______________________________

 _X_ repeatedly.
 _X_ for the __sixth__ time in the past
     ___ hour.
     ___ day.
     _X_ month.
     ___ year.
 _X_ after normal working hours.
     _X_ but during my normal working hours.
         _X_ because I'm a loser with no life.
         ___ because I can only get things done when no one else is around.
         ___ because everybody dumps their problems on me.
     ___ and I was the only one left in the office.  
         ___ again.
     _X_ and right as I was about to leave.
 ___ as I was doing something important.
     ___ playing a game.
         ___ nethack.
         ___ netrek.
         ___ tetris.
         ___ MUD/MOO.
         ___ all of the above.
             ___ at the same time.
     ___ reading news.
     ___ downloading porn.
     ___ W3B SURF1NG, D00D!!!!111!1
         ___ with telnet.
         ___ with lynx.
         ___ with netscape.
             ___ and image loading was turned off.
         ___ with MSIE.
             ___ and I was reading my personally autographed copy
                 of _The Road Ahead_, by Bill Gates.
     ___ working on my resume.
     ___ thinking up this stupid form.
 ___ as I was working.

 _X_ I didn't want to fix it because
     ___ I didn't know how.
     ___ I didn't care.
     ___ It wasn't my fucking problem.
     ___ I had an interview to go to.
     _X_ I hoped no one would notice.

 _X_ I fixed it
     ___ even though it wasn't my problem.
     _X_ even though I think the product is crap.
         _X_ and have told management my opinion.
             _X_ and offered an alternative.
                 _X_ and was ignored.
                     _X_ repeatedly.
     ___ because I needed to print my resume with it.
     ___ because the "real" admin didn't know how.
     ___ because I was offered a bribe of (check all that apply)
         ___ chocolate.
         ___ beer.
         ___ sex.
             ___ and they were cute, too.
         ___ cash.
         ___ buffered analgesics.
             ___ I just checked that so I could say "anal", huh-huh.
         ___ pizza.
     ___ because I would get fired if I didn't.
         ___ on second thought, let me break it again....
     _X_ by powercycling it.
         _X_ repeatedly.
             ___ with a sledgehammer.
     ___ by reading the manual.
         ___ and throwing away the useless manual and figuring
             it out myself.
     ___ by sacrificing an animal to Cthulu.
     _X_ and I could tell you how I fixed it, but
         ___ then I'd have to kill you.
         ___ you wouldn't understand.
         _X_ I don't know how I fixed it.

 _X_ The people who I fixed this for
     ___ will shower me with praise and affection for my quick
         thinking and extreme dedication to my work.
         ___ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
     ___ won't notice that anything was ever broken.
         ___ even though the entire company could have gone down in flames.
     _X_ will whine that it was broken, even if it didn't affect them.
     ___ are an ungrateful bunch of twits.
     ___ can hitch a ride on the next comet for all I care.
     ___ shouldn't walk by any clock towers anytime soon.

 _X_ I am now going
     ___ home to get a good night's sleep.
     ___ home to get an hour of sleep before those twits page me again.
     _X_ to begin drinking heavily.
         _X_ again.
     ___ to DisneyWorld!
     ___ to the local mental hospital.
         ___ in a straitjacket.
             ___ while heavily sedated.

 Additional comments:

original form by ljc, 5/22/97

-- end

--
russ...@cybercash.com                                    CyberCash, Inc.
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