My Greatest Revenge Fantasy (Dale)
Nikolaus Maack
As I was cleaning the house today, I thought about Dale, and had an
interesting fantasy I thought I'd breathe some life into. It goes like
this...
A ringing telephone in Dale's home. It's a Saturday morning in the middle
of winter. Half-awake in that lazy weekend kind of way, still flushed
from a warm bath, Dale picks up the phone.
"Hello?"
"May I speak to Dale please," says an unfamiliar voice.
"Speaking."
"Hi, Dale. This is Nikolaus Maack."
Dale can't place the name. It sounds familiar, but this context is funny.
For a moment Dale can't figure it out. "Who?" he asks.
"Nik, from alt.surrealism," says the voice, then laughs. "You know, your
arch-enemy? The guy who believes that everything and nothing are the
same? I'm in town, a few blocks away from your place, I think, if my map
of the city makes any sense. I flew in to meet you. Surprise."
Dale blinks a little, a bit worried. What kind of a person does something
like this? Is this Nik guy dangerous? "What do you want?" Dale asks,
trying to make his voice sound more angry than afraid. That nut from the
internet, that stupid Nik bastard... It's a trick of some kind. He's
probably not even in the city. No. Maybe it's not even Nik. Some guy
got the phone number and is now trying to freak him out.
"I was hoping to take you out for dinner, talk to you in person. My
treat. I don't know anything about this city, so maybe you'd like to
recommend a place."
"You flew here to see me?" Dale asks.
"Sure. I mean, why not? We're only going to bash each other back and
forth on the net. Why not cut to the chase? Anyhow, I thought we could
do Chinese. Maybe have some sake, some beer, shoot the shit. You up for
that?"
Dale still can't make sense of this. "Where are you?" he demands. And
Nik describes a street corner that Dale is very familiar with. It is, in
fact, only a few blocks from where Dale lives. Maybe this person -- could
it really be Nik? -- is in the city. But after all that has been said on
the internet, surely Nik couldn't be here just to buy Dale dinner! Dale
shakes his head. The nutcase is probably here to kill him. Not that Dale
is frightened. He can handle himself. It's just... What if Nik has a
gun, or some other crazy plan along those lines?
"So is there a good Chinese place around here?" Nik asks. "I thought we
could meet at around 5pm, if you don't have any other plans."
Dale listens to himself suggest the name of a restaurant and describe
where it is. He's not actually going to go and meet Nik, is he? The
again, why not? A public place. What's the worst thing that can happen?
"Okay, so I'll meet you there at around 5pm," Nik says. "Should the
restaurant be empty around that time? Anyhow, I'm five ten, weigh around
250 pounds. People tell me I look like Tom Arnold. Fat, but I carry my
weight well, whatever that means. I'm wearing jeans and a dark green long
sleeve shirt. Is that good enough?"
"Sure, I guess," Dale answers.
"Fine, see you then." And the person claiming to be Nik hangs up.
Of course Dale goes. How can he resist? He must go, if only to see if
this is all a dream. He's met people off the internet before, plenty of
times, but this feels different. This is not some friend, but some enemy,
a guy Dale doesn't know at all, just showing up out of the blue.
Dale arrives at the restaurant at 5pm, and sees someone who fits the
description. He approaches the man, who smiles as Dale walks up.
"Dale?" the man says, and holds out a hand for shaking. "I'm Nik. It's
nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you," Dale says automatically. How weird to be polite with
this guy, after so much shrieking at one another on alt.surrealism. Nik
looks rather ordinary. Overweight, short hair to hide that it's thinning.
A bit of acne on his cheeks. Eyes set deep into his face, dark circles
underneath. An easy smile. Broad shoulders and a broad gut.
Dale has a seat, and waits for the punchline, waits for Nik to pull out a
gun and shoot him.
"Have you been here before?" Nik asks. "I'm looking at the menu and I'm
not sure what to order."
Dale makes a few recommendations. His own voice is coming out weird,
sounding suspicious. This isn't happening. This couldn't be happening.
It is happening.
After some pleasant chatter about the city, after they've ordered their
meals, Nik says, "So tell me about surrealism. What does it really mean
to you?"
Dale reluctantly speaks his mind. Nik asks questions here and there, and
Dale answers them. Eventually Dale gets a little passionate about what
he's saying, and forgets that this is Nikolaus Maack -- Taoist git,
religious loser, man of bad writing skills -- and speaks about the most
intricate details of surrealism.
"Interesting," Nik says. He tries to explain some of his own opinions,
and Dale is surprised by how they make sense, now. Taoism and religion do
have some useful elements -- Dale never denied that -- and some of the
points Nik raises actually make sense. Dale pushes and pokes around some
of Nik's ideas, and Nik elaborates on them. Here in person, where there
is no need for grand-standing or posturing, Dale can actually communicate
with this guy. It's... pretty weird. He doesn't know what to make of
it.
"What are you really doing here?" Dale asks.
Nik laughs and says, "I came to buy you dinner. That's it."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
After dinner and drinks and much conversation, Nik says he's got to get
going. "I'm catching a flight in an hour, to go meet Barrett next. Day
after that, I'm going to go meet Bradon. Don't let them know I'm coming;
I want it to be a surprise. But it was nice meeting you. I had a great
time." Nik stands up, throws some money on the table to cover the bill
plus a generous tip. "Some of your ideas are really inspiring. Glad to
have met you."
And Nik walks out of the restaurant, leaving Dale smiling and happy.
There is no punchline. Dale keeps waiting for the ceiling to cave in on
him, for Nik to return with a bazooka, for the restaurant to suddenly blow
up. What a nice guy. How weird that Nik would turn out to be such a nice
guy.
Dale walks back to his apartment, a bit confused, not sure how to feel
about any of this. He decides not to give it too much thought, and lets
out a contented belch. Good food. Free good food. That's the best kind.
Yes, the above would be my greatest revenge.
Nik
--
"It could be a total disaster, but it could also be the next
best thing to killing and eating a real angel."
--Bill Cleere
elag
would that 'twould...
Nikolaus Maack wrote:
>
> As I was cleaning the house today, I thought about Dale, and had an
> interesting fantasy I thought I'd breathe some life into. It goes like
> this...
>
> A ringing telephone in Dale's home. It's a Saturday morning in the middle
> of winter. Half-awake in that lazy weekend kind of way, still flushed
> from a warm bath, Dale picks up the phone..............................
Andrea Chen
>
> "Brandon J. Freels" (Fre...@ethergate.com) writes:
> > One man's fantasy is another man's boredom.
>
> I keep asking to see the inside of anybody's head in this newsgroup. The
> people least likely to show anything are the loudest critics of anyone who
> does. Makes sense.
>
Nik:
The reality is observed and noted. It's now entered into the list of
neu neutopian principles (with the irony that one of the critics asked
me to tell us about myself.)
However please do go more frequently where you're appreciated.
Remember that gnostic thread where that guy popped out of
alt.religion.gnostic with a thankyou for everyone involved but
especially of you.
I liked your Ted Frank imitation and that "crazy as a dead dog on a
pogo stick..." was good. A test area is in alt.alien.visitors and
orgone. You might pop in there and with suitable crossposts explain how
it improved your sex life. Consider yourself the Henry Miller of
Usenet.
You do have talent. Don't let yourself be sucked of faith by those who
want to make others small because they dare not be big.
Brandon J. Freels
"As I was cleaning the house today..."
Brandon:
One man's fantasy is another man's boredom. Did you tell this one to that
kid your molesting around a campfire?
Nikolaus Maack
I keep asking to see the inside of anybody's head in this newsgroup. The
people least likely to show anything are the loudest critics of anyone who
does. Makes sense.
Nik
Perceptor
> Yes, the above would be my greatest revenge.
>
> Nik
I still maintain that yr a friging genius,
just not publicly
Brandon J. Freels
>I keep asking to see the inside of anybody's head in this newsgroup. The
>people least likely to show anything are the loudest critics of anyone who
>does. Makes sense.
Brandon:
Just because the inside of my head doesn't look or feel like the inside of
yours doesn't mean it isn't there or being shown. Unfortunately, Nik, you
think everyone is like you, and this personalist way of looking at the world
has blinded you. I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this.
About your "fantasy." I find it rather humorous that you spend time thinking
and fantasizing about individuals at this newsgroup, showing that this
newsgroup is your life. I have other people in my life and don't find myself
thinking of you, Dale, Barrett, Don, Talysman, etc. that often when I am
away from the computer. Understand? That is what I find so pathetic about
people such as Chen and her posse who obviously have nothing better to do
and spend countless hours jumping from newsgroup to newsgroup trying to
provoke people. Rather pathetic. I don't have the time to spend on any other
newsgroup, nor the interest.
Nikolaus Maack
> yours doesn't mean it isn't there or being shown. Unfortunately, Nik, you
> think everyone is like you, and this personalist way of looking at the world
> has blinded you. I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this.
What city do you live in? Do you live alone? Do you have any pets? Do
you have a job? Do you go to school? Are you happy with the way things
are, or do you wish they were different? What do you look like? Are you
satisfied with your looks?
Brandon, you haven't told ANYONE jack shit about yourself. You hide.
Until you face that fact, why don't you just keep hiding, okay?
Okay.
>About your "fantasy." I find it rather humorous that you spend time
>thinking and fantasizing about individuals at this newsgroup, showing that
>this newsgroup is your life.
You are so very literal and gullible.
Brandon J. Freels
>What city do you live in? Do you live alone? Do you have any pets? Do
>you have a job? Do you go to school? Are you happy with the way things
>are, or do you wish they were different? What do you look like? Are you
>satisfied with your looks?
Brandon:
This newsgroup isn't a therapy session or a dating service.
Andrea Chen
>
> This newsgroup isn't a therapy session or a dating service.
Waah! First Stefan says we can't go the zoo and now Brandon says we
can't give each other therapy or mention the date.
You big mean brats are getting coal for x-mas! So there!
Bill Cleere
> >
> The
> > people least likely to show anything are the loudest critics of anyone who
> > does. Makes sense.
> >
>
>
> The reality is observed and noted. It's now entered into the list of
> neu neutopian principles (with the irony that one of the critics asked
> me to tell us about myself.)
>
> However please do go more frequently where you're appreciated.
> Remember that gnostic thread where that guy popped out of
> alt.religion.gnostic with a thankyou for everyone involved but
> especially of you.
>
> I liked your Ted Frank imitation
Nik did a take on "Ted Frank the Idiot/moronian?" Oh, cool!
Where is it?
and that "crazy as a dead dog on a
> pogo stick..." was good. A test area is in alt.alien.visitors and
> orgone. You might pop in there and with suitable crossposts explain how
> it improved your sex life. Consider yourself the Henry Miller of
> Usenet.
>
> You do have talent. Don't let yourself be sucked of faith by those who
> want to make others small because they dare not be big.
-- Bill Cleere
Status: res. LoyolaNet. Expect.destin. Fumat pro Soc.
SSMATIC
>I still maintain that yr a friging genius,
>just not publicly
Hey Nik: What risks are involved when working with Freon114?