by a thread.
GregG
night than I have in the past 6 months. I missed falling off the wagon by a
thread. I'm still here though and I'm still smober but the cravings are
pretty bad once more. I think last night I was able to talk myself through
it to the point where I'm out of the danger zone. I guess I'm still having
trouble getting through the events of the past month or so. As some of you
may or may not recall it was made known to me last month that our financial
position was a lot worse off than I had believed. We're putting the
finances back together and it's going to be a long haul to dig ourselves
out, but we're not in danger of losing the house or anything like that. Why
am I bringing this back up? Well this past week was the week to double my
anti-depressants. Lucky me I seem to be suffering from every side effect
possible. Along with this is the fact that I'm actually feeling better,
almost too much though. So I'm faced with two problems, the first is the
return of the feelings of invincibility, that I'm going to live forever no
matter what I do to my body. The second is the realization that all of the
rewards I envisioned by my stopping smoking have been taken away without my
even being aware it was happening. So I found myself in the position of
believing that smoking won't hurt me, and I lost all my incentives to quit.
Goddamn junkie thinking I know, but if I wasn't a junkie I wouldn't have
smoked for 17 years and been able to bore you guys with my diatribes.
The changing of the seasons hasn't been too much help either. Where I used
to be able to go out and ride my bike just about whenever I wanted, mother
nature hasn't been very helpful lately. 1 month ago I was out in the yard
swimming in my pool. Tonight it's drizzling and 41 degrees out. (That's
about 5 degrees for all of you more advanced countries, you know who you are
;)). Still went out though, not for a long ride as I was getting pretty
cold. So why didn't I go through with it this time and throw in the towel?
I remembered how proud I was when I was able to tell my doctor I had quit.
He brought up my record on the PC and unchecked the box that labeled me as a
smoker. He something along the lines of me crying if he ever had to check
the box again. After all I've been through I can't let that box get checked
again. I started having flashbacks of the brain fog of those first couple
of weeks and realized how much support those around me truly have been. All
my bitching, my decreased productivity at work, my crabby disposition at
home, the broken molars, the sleepiness, the constant gum chewing, and the
list goes on and on. After all I've been through and all the help everyone
has been I can't throw it away just because my desire to quit has
disappeared. I think I've been smober too long to ever go back (at least I
pray that I'll never go back).
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is as it doesn't feel like I
really need support because I know all the answers and what I have to do,
and I feel bothersome by coming here and airing my problems over and over.
I can't imagine that I'm offering much support either, now that I've been
off the smokes for close to 7 months and am still having problems. It's
amazing how easy everything seems in retrospect. I can't believe I quit in
April, and here it is October. The days go by so fast and before I knew it
I had quit for half a year. It seems so easy looking at the past 6 months,
but here I am trying to get through another day. ODAT, I know, I know. If
I was perfect I wouldn't have these problems, I wouldn't be seeing a shrink
about my problems with patience and "delayed gratification". I have to
remember it wasn't a picnic to get this far either, or my junkie brain will
be telling me how easy it is to quit, and to light up again as I can quit
whenever I want.
It's a tricky path I find myself on. I have to make quitting smoking appear
easy enough so I can talk my brain into actually going through the hell of
quitting, and at the same time make sure I remember how hard it is so I
don't fall into the trap that I can quit any time. You know as I sit here
writing this I think I've been lying to myself. I don't think my desire to
quit has disappeared. I want to quit. I want to quit more than anything in
this world. I want to walk away from cigarettes and never look back and
never have cigarettes touch my life again. It's just so easy to give in
though. To stop fighting and say fuck it and buy a pack of smokes and start
listening to all that junkie crap again. Tonight though my desire to fight
is stronger than my desire to throw in the towel. I hope it stays this way,
these bouts with junkie thinking can kill you.
On another note I did get some kind of bad news this week. Wife's
grandmother's husband was in the hospital this week. Went in to have a
tumor removed from his stomach. Preliminary tests were that it was benign,
but final tests won't be back until sometime next week. Anyway, we just
found out that while he was on the table, one of his lungs had collapsed and
he came out of surgery with a breathing tube. They have since diagnosed him
with emphysema. I didn't know that he had smoked, but it turns out he did
and quit some time ago. I don't think that it's bad enough that it will
cause him any discomfort in his life. Recent check-ups failed to catch it,
and at his age and the fact that he quit over 20 years ago, something else
will probably get him before emphysema does. It's still discomforting
though when something like that hits close to home. All those years of
telling myself that smoking wasn't hurting me, God what a fool I was.
Greg Groth
Six months, one week, six days, 22 hours, 39 minutes and 1 second. 7877
cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,575.22. Life saved: 3 weeks, 6 days, 8
hours, 25 minutes.
Summer
Like you said, you already know what you need to do, so I won't tell you
either.
As for feeling back about coming in here and "complaining"....I was under
the impression that was the purpose of AS3?? I mean, is it not called
"alt.SUPPORT.stop-smoking?? Use us and abuse us...I plan to do the same as
my quit goes on.
I would think your information and your recent troubles makes your
experiences all the more useful to the newbies. You are at 6 months and are
having cravings and second thoughts. I'm glad to hear that perspective
too...as well as the positive experience. It keeps us on our toes, tells us
that even at 6 months, one year, five years, we can't be lax in our
determination. It reminds us how powerful the nicodemon is, a demon that is
never really dead.
To steal Xena's catch phrase..."battle on"....you can do this.
Cheers
Summer
Two weeks, two days, 1 hour, 42 minutes and 18 seconds. 241 cigarettes not
smoked, saving $60.27. Life saved: 20 hours, 5 minutes.
--
Online Diary http://www.geocities.com/summer_soundbytes/index.html
Website http://www.geocities.com/summer_phillips/aboutme.html
"GregG" <ggr...@telocity.com> wrote in message
news:tJQy7.21868$%B.23...@bin1.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
dave bergacker
news:tJQy7.21868$%B.23...@bin1.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
> I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is as it doesn't feel like I
> really need support because I know all the answers and what I have to do,
> and I feel bothersome by coming here and airing my problems over and over.
same way,
and I felt the same way about *A when I quit drinking. I got to a point
where
external motivations weren't as important, and my relationship with the
support group changed. I wan't in that position of utter dependance on the
groups
advise. I felt like I was growing up (again or finally???). Pretty
uncomfortable
stuff.
> Six months, one week, six days, 22 hours, 39 minutes and 1 second.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is the important part. As they say in *A, keep coming back.
dave (lh)
padders
> I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is as it doesn't feel like I
> really need support because I know all the answers and what I have to do,
> and I feel bothersome by coming here and airing my problems over and over.
Greg chuck, we all know what to do but it's seeing it and doing it that's
often the problem. Please don't feel bothersome airing your problems here,
remember the saying - "A trouble shared is a trouble halved" :)
> I can't imagine that I'm offering much support either, now that I've been
> off the smokes for close to 7 months and am still having problems.
I don't think you realise just how much your words mean to other quitters.
Sometimes I don't think there's enough ranting or whining done here about
our quits, some people tend to think they're unusual for having a hard time
when they've got some quit time behind them. It does us all good to see the
bad with the good :)
>
> Greg Groth
>
> Six months, one week, six days, 22 hours, 39 minutes and 1 second. 7877
> cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,575.22. Life saved: 3 weeks, 6 days, 8
> hours, 25 minutes.
>
Looking very nice there Greg chuck, WTG :))
hugs
padders (º¿º)
plodding on with ....
A Month and a bit
Black Sheep
"GregG" <ggr...@telocity.com> wrote in message
news:tJQy7.21868$%B.23...@bin1.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
been
> off the smokes for close to 7 months and am still having problems. It's
> amazing how easy everything seems in retrospect
Time is supposed to help. When you reach that stage, just remember to come
back to reassure some struggling 7 monther that time will help - so hang on.
>I want to walk away from cigarettes and never look back and
> never have cigarettes touch my life again.
So do we all. Doesn't happen. Bummer.
> All those years of
> telling myself that smoking wasn't hurting me, God what a fool I was.
So are we all. Happens. Bummer.
Dawn
OF
mountainwoman
You have 6 months smober - that is a *very very* long time.
If you smoke, it *will* hurt you. You know that better than anyone else.
Go back and find some new rewards:) If you give in to smoking, you will
lose *everything* you've worked so hard for.
If at all else fails, and you feel like smoking, please put on a patch. You
don't want to smoke. Think about how wonderful things are now that you are
on the other side of being a smoker. Think really hard and long about it -
the air you can breathe and smell, all those little things we sometimes
forget and take for granted. The financial gains, etc. There will always
be other problems that appear to be taking our incentives away, but they
would happen nonetheless.
Hang strong, I know you can Greg.
Your friend,
Debbie
f3as3
One Month, Two Weeks, 5 days, 18 hours, 16 minutes, 1522 not smoked, $228.43
saved and 5 Days, 6 hours, 50 minutes life saved.
Gwen Watson
Summer wrote:
> I'm glad to hear that perspective
> too...as well as the positive experience. It keeps us on our toes, tells us
> that even at 6 months, one year, five years, we can't be lax in our
> determination. It reminds us how powerful the nicodemon is, a demon that is
> never really dead.
>
> To steal Xena's catch phrase..."battle on"....you can do this.
>
> Cheers
> Summer
>
> Two weeks, two days, 1 hour, 42 minutes and 18 seconds. 241 cigarettes not
> smoked, saving $60.27. Life saved: 20 hours, 5 minutes.
Summer
This is the kind of perspective one needs to be aware
of when fighting this addiction. I truly believe that
all too often people become cocky and think
it could never get them in it's grips again. Poppy cock
I say to that. One little slip of the senses is all it takes
to be back in the grips of hell! And yes it can easily
be as many as 5 years or many many more.
I for one quit for 7 years once. My next door
neighbor was quit for nearly 20 years! Yes
I did say 20 years! Just goes to show.
This is not meant to discourage this is meant
to illustrate how powerful this addiction really
can be.
BTW, you are doing MARVELOUS and have
been an inspiration to me.
Gwen
Gwen Watson
padders wrote:
> Greg wrote:
> > I can't imagine that I'm offering much support either, now that I've been
> > off the smokes for close to 7 months and am still having problems.
>
> I don't think you realise just how much your words mean to other quitters.
> Sometimes I don't think there's enough ranting or whining done here about
> our quits, some people tend to think they're unusual for having a hard time
> when they've got some quit time behind them. It does us all good to see the
> bad with the good :)
>
Greg,
I have to agree with Padders. Besides I have said it before and I will
say it again. Often *some* people(BobF, this doesn't include you)
have a lifelong problem with this addiction.
I honestly know *many* people who have been quit for long
periods. Ten years, 5 years, 15 years, 17 years who went
right back to smoking for some reason or other. It is one
of those addictions that one *may* battle the rest of their
lives. Sure it gets easier. You don't crave day in and day
out. You may not crave for weeks/months and so
and suddenly out of the blue for "no particular reason"(In my best
Forest Gump, impression) boom it hits right smack between
the eyes. It is at that point an addict is most or can be
most vulnerable.
I still say the time frame you are in is when so many people
start smoking again. Because the "newness" and glory
has worn off. Now it is just a struggle now and then.
There are times when everything just doesn't seem right
and somehow in that "junkie thinking" mind smoking
does *seem* right. But of course it is NOT.
Do you really want to go back to that "ball and chain"?
This is a big question to ask yourself. Today you have
a choice. But as a smoker you do NOT have a choice
as you are an addict and you must feed that addiction
at LEAST several times a day if not 20! Basically you
become a PRISONER to tobacco. After all this struggling
I know you don't want to be a prisoner again, nor do I.
But I have these same senseless emotions all the time.
It's all about that baby blankie or pacifier or whatever
comfort you see them as.
Take care of your quit, you have come very far.
Cheers,
Gwen
Summer
> > too...as well as the positive experience. It keeps us on our toes,
tells us
> > that even at 6 months, one year, five years, we can't be lax in our
> > determination. It reminds us how powerful the nicodemon is, a demon
that is
> > never really dead.
<snip>
> This is the kind of perspective one needs to be aware
> of when fighting this addiction. I truly believe that
> all too often people become cocky and think
> it could never get them in it's grips again. Poppy cock
> I say to that. One little slip of the senses is all it takes
> to be back in the grips of hell! And yes it can easily
> be as many as 5 years or many many more.
I have to remind myself of that daily Gwen. When I have days where I think,
I'll never smoke again, I have to kinda give myself a shake and say, "you
don't KNOW that for sure". I don't WANT to ever smoke again. You are never
really free of the temptation and pretending you are is just setting
yourself up for disaster. (JMHO)
> I for one quit for 7 years once. My next door
> neighbor was quit for nearly 20 years! Yes
> I did say 20 years! Just goes to show.
> This is not meant to discourage this is meant
> to illustrate how powerful this addiction really
> can be.
Wow...7 years and 20 years! My point exactly. You just never know when the
temptation will sneak up and bite you on the ass, do ya?
> BTW, you are doing MARVELOUS and have
> been an inspiration to me.
Thank you Gwen. What an absolutely beautiful thing to say. Every single
person who comes in here and is about to or has quit is an inspiration to
me...whether it be a 1 day, 1 week, 1 year quit.
Cheers
Summer
Two weeks, three days, 1 hour, 39 minutes and 19 seconds. 256 cigarettes not
smoked, saving $64.01. Life saved: 21 hours, 20 minutes.
Gwen Watson
> Thank you Gwen. What an absolutely beautiful thing to say. Every single
> person who comes in here and is about to or has quit is an inspiration to
> me...whether it be a 1 day, 1 week, 1 year quit.
>
> Cheers
> Summer
>
> Two weeks, three days, 1 hour, 39 minutes and 19 seconds. 256 cigarettes not
> smoked, saving $64.01. Life saved: 21 hours, 20 minutes.
Summer
Let me show you this.
This is what my meter should read!
One year, six months, three weeks, two days, 20 hours, 18 minutes and 52
seconds. 14321 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2,148.02. Life saved: 7 weeks, 17
hours, 25 minutes.
But at 14 months I slipped and took ONE puff. But it out
immediately. Only thing is that ONE puff started that
ole "junkie thinking"! It awakened the "junkie".
So on June 20th or something I smoked a whole
cigarette. The on 4th of July holidays I had several
for several days. Then on July 20 another two.
Then August 18 or 20 I don't recall I had one more.
Now I hope to have ended this nasty, stupid slipping
cycle.:( I pray. So I no longer have a meter for that
very reason. It would be toooooooooooooo
discouraging for me to show almost 2 months right
now, when in my heart I have the above reading.
So it was best for me to trash the meter and move
forward.
You are doing excellent! Take care of that
quit and do treat yourself special because you
are!
Gwen