What's my role, again?
Steve Clark
done so for 2.5 years.
Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and
was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom
returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.
When they returned, we packed away the groceries, loaded up, and headed to
the parlor. On the way, I asked, "How was the grocery store?"
"Stressful!", replied my SO.
"Then why are we going to get Ice Cream? Sarah, we're you good?", I
retorted.
"No", the kid said defiantly.
At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the
house.
This morning, I looked on the table, and there sat a small bowl with Ice
cream residue. The child received Ice cream from her mother, even though
the child was not good???
So, now I look like the mean boyfriend!!!
I am not the child's parent, but it appears that I'm the only one who is
going to enforce any rules with the child, but I don't feel that that is my
entire duty.
Please Advise.
Steve Clark
lilblakdog
Steve Clark <SteveC...@FMSInc.com> wrote in article
<35dad...@news.idsonline.com>...
> At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the
> house.
Well, Steve, I've got to tell you that when I was a kid, nothing hit home
like that.
Since I'm dredging up childhood memories, I'll tell you about our trip to
McDonald's. We *never* got to go to McDonald's! However, before he got
sick, my father was a tugboat worker (which meant he was home for two weeks
and then gone for two weeks) and right up the road from the shipyard was a
McDonald's. So one day, after we dropped my father off at the boat, my mom
thought it would be nice to be able to take us to McDonald's.
There was no such thing as Drive-Thrus, so we waited in the car while she
went to get the food (there were only three of us at the time, so we must
have ranged in age from about 3 - 9). Well, being raised like we were, my
middle brother was leaning on the horn and swearing at people out the
window and my oldest brother was hollering at him to get him to stop and I
was probably just screaming in the back. My mother came out of the
restaurant with food for four, dumped it in the garbage and took us home
and made us soup. It was the first time I'd ever seen her cry. Looking
back on it, that food must have cost her close to half of what my father
left her to raise us on for the two weeks!
I assure you...we learned our lesson! That *never* happened again!
(Interesting side note: McDonald's, to this day, is still my biggest
weakness because it was considered such a rare treat as a kid!)
Sounds as if you have a pretty good handle on things. Nice, creative,
non-violent form of punishment. Your girlfriend, however, is not on the
same wavelength and you have to get her there. Otherwise, you have no role
in the household other than a bedwarmer and possible breadwinner. In a
perfect world, she'd be happy that she had a SO who was willing to have a
firm hand with her child without getting violent. However, not being a
perfect world, she might not. And if she's not willing to now (especially
after 2 1/2 years), she probably won't ever be willing to. So you have to
decide whether you can be happy having your authority undermined and having
the child run wild.
However, if all goes well and after a long talk with SO she understands
that you have to form a united front, then your role becomes that of any
other father. If you notice a problem in her attitude or behavior, you
remark on it (unless your SO is there and you feel that she can and will
handle it). If punishment is necessary then it's necessary, but you should
agree with your SO ahead of time on what your consider an adequate form of
punishment. And if--during every other moment--you provide love and
support and adventure and entertainment (and "entertainment" can mean
anything from McDonald's and a movie or roller skating to airplane rides in
your living room), I assure you that you won't be perceived to be the bad
guy you're afraid you will be!
lil
Pugg
CHILD!!!!!
Yes, you're right. That was VERY BAD parenting. Not being consisntent and
not following through are bad mistakes. But, the mom made them.
Bite your tongue. Then bring up your concerns with the mom later in
private. Mention you think it would be a good idea for her to take a class,
or buy her a book, but, I repeat, DON'T TRY TO TAKE ON THE GIRL'S DISCIPLINE
YOURSELF. You'll only come out looking like the bad one w/o the mom's
support.
P.S a good one to try is 123 Magic.
Maria
Steve Clark wrote in message <35dad...@news.idsonline.com>...
>Background: I live with my girlfriend and her 6.5 year old daughter, have
>done so for 2.5 years.
>
>Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and
>was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom
>returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.
>
>When they returned, we packed away the groceries, loaded up, and headed to
>the parlor. On the way, I asked, "How was the grocery store?"
>"Stressful!", replied my SO.
>"Then why are we going to get Ice Cream? Sarah, we're you good?", I
>retorted.
>"No", the kid said defiantly.
>At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the
>house.
>
TYounger
Maria,
Parents, whether step or bio, are still parents, and still have parental
responsibility. If everyone lives under the same roof, then there should
be some basic rules that everyone agrees upon. He has a right as a
member of the household to at least be respected, by the child and by her
mother, which, in this instance, he clearly was not. Also, because the
child's mother deliberately undermined her SO, which I'm sure, after 2.5
years, the child sees as *some* kind of authority figure, if not a
parent, the child is going to think it's okay to diliberately disobey.
By telling him he must NOT NOT NOT get involved in the discipline, then
he must not even be involved with the child. I say this because A)
should he only pretend to care about the child when she is sugar sweet?
Should he not be involved at all when she touches a hot stove (he
obviously cannot say, "No X, you shouldn't do that!") B) it gives the
child a false sense of security...what kind of person is only there for
you when you are good? Belive it or not, most children NEED to be shown
discipline and/or firmness in decisions, it teaches them that the person
they rely upon is a well-grounded person.
I may be wording this a bit off how I mean to... It's late and I'm tired,
but I'm sure most of you who read this will understand my point, and
maybe some can help solidify that :))
TYounger
Pugg
I just don't agree.
If the mom is already undermining his discipline, I just think the best
thing would be to back off and help the mom increase her role as a
disciplinarian.
I just gave quick advice, I probably should have explained why I said what I
said more.
First, it does no good for the non-bio parent to try to discipline if the
bio parent does not support him or her. I don't mean that in ALL situations
that a person should not get involved in the discipline of the children they
care for. I myself discipline my stepkids probably more than their Dad
does, but he supports me ALL THE WAY (now). At one time we had trouble with
this because we were not together.
I got advice from a counselor that the bio parent should really be the
primary disciplinarian, and we did that for a while and it was good advice
for us. The problem was that Dad was being too permissive, and needed to
learn how to parent better, instead of being lazy and let me do all the
discipline stuff, then undermine me. Guess who turns into the wicked
stepmother!
We took a class on parenting together, learned about a method we both liked
and agreed upon (the 123 Magic I mentioned), and I let Dad take the reigns.
It worked wonders for our family for me to back off. I didn't get involved
with the kids discipline for a LONG time. When I finally came back in, I
was supported, and the program was already in place. It also hurts the
relationship between two people if they let this get in the way.
That's why I advised what I did. It really sounds like the mom needs help
with her parental discipline issues, more than the father figure needs to
discipline the child.
In the long run, I think this would be best for the child.
Sorry if I sounded so STRONG about it, you know how it is when it hits an
issue you have personally been involved in.
Maria
TYounger wrote in message ...
Wakanyeja Makah
wrote:
<snipped>
>Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and
>was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom
>returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.
>
>When they returned, we packed away the groceries, loaded up, and headed to
>the parlor. On the way, I asked, "How was the grocery store?"
>"Stressful!", replied my SO.
>"Then why are we going to get Ice Cream? Sarah, we're you good?", I
>retorted.
>"No", the kid said defiantly.
>At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the
>house.
>
>This morning, I looked on the table, and there sat a small bowl with Ice
>cream residue. The child received Ice cream from her mother, even though
>the child was not good???
Steve,
Your approach was excellent. Your problem isn't your role (as I
see it), but a parent who will not follow through with discipline with her
daughter. She is not doing this child any favors. She is creating a child
that is learning that rules will not be enforced. It isn't the way the
rest of the world (The Real World) works.
But you already knew all of that. Back to your current problem.
IMHO, you should discuss this with Sarah's mother (in private...certainly
out of earshot of Sarah) and the two of you need to forge some type of
United Front Agreement. Rules should be rules and they should be enforced.
Bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded. Where is the motivation to be good
(behave) if someone STILL gives you ice-cream when you are bad
(misbehaving)? I would also advise you that IF Sarah's mother balks at
this or gets angry at you or tells you to mind your own business, that you
take a serious look at your relationship and realize that THIS is what you
have to look forward to (in spades) as this child gets older. Then RUN
(don't walk) to the nearest exit. Before you make some huge mistake...like
marrying each other. It sounds rash, but I have been on this newsgroup for
quite a while and I have seen the multitude of letters from stepmothers and
stepfathers who are walked all over by their stepchildren with their Dad or
Mom's blessings. It sounds a great deal like Hell to me. It doesn't get
better...unless the bio-parent is willing to work with you (and the child
learns to respect your authority as well).
Just my two cents,
W. Makah
janelaw
>
> Background: I live with my girlfriend and her 6.5 year old daughter, have
> done so for 2.5 years.
>
> was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom
> returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.
>
> When they returned, we packed away the groceries, loaded up, and headed to
> the parlor. On the way, I asked, "How was the grocery store?"
> "Stressful!", replied my SO.
> "Then why are we going to get Ice Cream? Sarah, we're you good?", I
> retorted.
> "No", the kid said defiantly.
> At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the
> house.
>
> This morning, I looked on the table, and there sat a small bowl with Ice
> cream residue. The child received Ice cream from her mother, even though
> the child was not good???
>
>
> I am not the child's parent, but it appears that I'm the only one who is
> going to enforce any rules with the child, but I don't feel that that is my
> entire duty.
>
> Please Advise.
>
> Steve Clark
Steve,
I do not see this situation as other posters have. I don't see
how SO's decision to buy her daughter ice cream later that
evening has anything to do with you.
You all agreed that if the child did not behave well at the
store, then she would not go to the ice cream parlor on the way
home. She didn't, you didn't. No one's authority was
undermined.
What happened later is a separate event. Apparently, SO was
alone with the child and decided that ice cream was appropriate
then. Without further information, this sounds like a perfectly
reasonable decision to me. No one agreed that there would be no
more ice cream for life. It doesn't sound like the child went
to the ice cream parlor at all.
I don't know where you were during all SO's interaction with the
child. However, since you were not present, you sound like you
are trying to run the household by remote control. Since you
discuss only this one incident, I don't see why you doubt SO's
judgment. She witnessed/endured the grocery store behavior.
Why don't you trust her to decide how long the ice cream embargo
should last? In my experience (and I once grounded my children
for a month), the immediacy of a consequence is more important
in disciplining young children than its duration is.
As you said, you are not this child's parent. So you have to
consider the question: Who are you to be making decisions and
enforcing rules at all? People on this board can't tell you
what your role is. You have to work this out with SO. If you
two decide that you will be a parental figure and that you will
participate in parenting decisions and discipline, then set the
ground rules and hammer out the details as a couple. Take a
parenting class together, if possible. OTOH, maybe SO does not
want your help or input in parenting her child. Either way,
this sounds like a good time to figure out together what
everyone's duties, rights, and responsibilities are.
Northrnwmn
>I do not see this situation as other posters have. I don't see
>how SO's decision to buy her daughter ice cream later that
>evening has anything to do with you.
>
>
Jane,
I have to disagree with you here. Steve wrote
>Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and
>> was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom
>> returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.
It certainly sounds like they made the decision together about the ice cream
trip. Even if Steve wasn't at the grocery store, the decision had already been
made by both parents.
Secondly, Sarah knew she had misbehaved and she was playing one parent off
against the other.
Steve did what he felt was necessary as a parent.(He is one!) Perhaps it would
have been better to confront the mother after the fact but then Sarah would
have succeeded in her goal.
Sandy
janelaw
Sandy,
I still don't see why their decision after the grocery store has
anything to do with what happened later that night. A trip to
the ice cream parlor as a reward during an outing is not the
same as a dish of ice cream at the kitchen table before bed. As
I said before, no one agreed that there would be no ice cream
for life.
Steve is not a parent. I do not imply that no SO can assume
parenting responsibilities. Steve said, "I am not the child's
parent,..." I figure he knows.
Northrnwmn
>I still don't see why their decision after the grocery store has
>anything to do with what happened later that night. A trip to
>the ice cream parlor as a reward during an outing is not the
>same as a dish of ice cream at the kitchen table before bed. As
>I said before, no one agreed that there would be no ice cream
>for life.
>
>
message to the child is this: WE promised ice cream if you behaved. You didn't
behave, I still will take you for ice cream. Steve says no because you didn't
behave. I give you ice cream later *even though* we all know you didn't live up
to your end of the deal. Therefore, whatever Steve said doesn't count.
Children even at 6.5 are sophisticated and intelligent enough to know when they
have gotten something that they didn't deserve. They also know when one
parent's actions don't carry any weight in a household. They *will* use this
knowledge in future actions whever it benefits them.
**I use the term "parent" for anyone living with and helping to raise a child,
bio or otherwise. I think we are getting hung up on semantics sometimes here.
Sandy
Andrew&Posey
position of being able to make the decision (I don't recall reading anywhere
in his post that she challenged his decision at the time or when they got
home) and then gave the girl ice cream anyway is definitely teaching the
child that Steve's rules only count sometimes.
I'm just glad that Steve's SO left out the dish so that he can confront this
issue with her. It would make me wonder how many other times the signs of
her having undermined the authority that she seems to have given him have
been cleaned up.
Posey