Bio Dad and me (SD) Problems ... HELP!
Matthew
Just to let you guys know I just got married around January the
15 to my beautiful wife. She has 2 kids (10yr old girl and 8yr old
boy) from former lover. Now I knew going into this that there were
going to be problems with BIO Dad. Because of the background stuff
that I found out through my wife. Seems that he has another son same
age as my Step son so you can do the math on that. Now Bio Dad was
great going into this he's a good dad in terms of spending time with
his son. His Daughter unfortunately he basically just throws her to
his girlfriend. Now this is were things get dicey and I need you guys
to tell me if I am over reacting please.
1.The man just comes in the house doesn't knock.
2. Just goes and basically makes himself comfortable anywhere he
wants. He even uses our bathroom whenever he pleases.
3. He calls on his cell phone to say he's coming to get the kids not
can he get the kid's. And he usually outside in our driveway when he
makes the call.
4. My step son and me have a very special relationship he calls me Dad
whenever he gets the chance. Lately his Bio Dad has told him every
time they talk to not call me Dad. Which is cool I understand I'm not
there Dad but does he really need to make a 8 yr old boy feel
uncomfortable and upset!!
5. He pays Child support when he feels like it. They don't have any
court enforced payment plan. I have told my wife that she should but
she seems to be hesitant when it comes to this. Now I know this is
there plan but when their plan interferes with my money I think I have
the right to have some say!
6. He's now made me feel uncomfortable in my very own house with
people I love. My Step kids are struggling to talk because they fear
that he will get on them.
7. He has some of his stuff in our house !!!!!!!
These are just a few of the problems and you can't even say it's
because that they relationship has just ended because there hasn't
been any and I repeat any intimate things going on with them in the
past 6 years. So should I say something to him, or to my spouse what?
I mean I am really getting frustrated because I feel that there is no
level of respect on his part. Thought?
Geri and sometimes Brian
>I mean I am really getting frustrated because I feel that there is no
>level of respect on his part.
Did you and your wife have any discussion about any of this before you were
married? Because I see this as primarily a marital problem. Your wife's idea
of appropriate boundaries with the ex are different than yours. That is the
first thing you need to straighten out. Back to your issues, what I would do:
>1.The man just comes in the house doesn't knock.
First, ask him to stop. If that doesn't work, change the locks. He doesn't
get a key. Children are instructed that nobody enters the house without adult
permission. (If my SD's mother entered my home, I would call the police.) You
could get a restraining order, too. He is trespassing.
>2. Just goes and basically makes himself comfortable anywhere he
>wants. He even uses our bathroom whenever he pleases.
See above. If he isn't in your house, this won't happen.
>3. He calls on his cell phone to say he's coming to get the kids not
>can he get the kid's. And he usually outside in our driveway when he
>makes the call.
You need a concrete visitation plan, if for no other reason, so that your
family can plan things.
>5. He pays Child support when he feels like it. They don't have any
>court enforced payment plan. I have told my wife that she should but
>she seems to be hesitant when it comes to this. Now I know this is
>there plan but when their plan interferes with my money I think I have
>the right to have some say!
A clearly detailed visitation and child support order from the court is a good
thing. It prevents misunderstanding. I think you do have some say when it
interferes with your money. Make a separate account for the CS money. Keep
your money separate. When the CS account money dries up, perhaps your wife
will feel less hesitant about pursuing support for her children.
>6. He's now made me feel uncomfortable in my very own house with
>people I love. My Step kids are struggling to talk because they fear
>that he will get on them.
It is clear that you need to set some different boundaries between the
households. Ideally it should be up to your wife to do so, however this is
something the two of you should work out together and then present a united
front to the BF.
>7. He has some of his stuff in our house !!!!!!!
Put it in a bag. Call him and tell him it will be on the doorstep, so if he
doesn't come and get it, it will be trashed.
~~Geri~~
~Veni, vidi, visa~
I came, I saw, I shopped!
jane
>to tell me if I am over reacting please.
Okay. I'm going to rearrange your post, though.
>
>1.The man just comes in the house doesn't knock.
>
>3. He calls on his cell phone to say he's coming to get the kids not
>can he get the kid's. And he usually outside in our driveway when he
>makes the call.
If he just called from the driveway, why would he knock?
Still, if it bugs you, just say, "Tom, do you mind knocking when you get here?
I need a heads up that someone is at the house." You can't expect him to read
your mind.
>
>2. Just goes and basically makes himself comfortable anywhere he
>wants. He even uses our bathroom whenever he pleases.
>
>7. He has some of his stuff in our house !!!!!!!
>
>These are just a few of the problems and you can't even say it's
>because that they relationship has just ended because there hasn't
>been any and I repeat any intimate things going on with them in the
>past 6 years.
There is "intimate" and then there's "intimate." The level of intimacy between
the two houses is way outside your comfort zone.
Talk to your wife about it. This stuff is all about your marriage and really
has nothing to do with the ex. This is like squeezing toothpaste from the
middle or the end of the tube. You and your wife are the couple. You're the
ones with different approaches to this.
Talk to your wife. Maybe tell her that he just has too much "presence" in your
home and that you feel uncomfortable and beleaguered. Tell her that you need
to figure out a way to distance him from yourself without distancing him from
the kids or interfering with their parenting relationship. Just accept that
everyone's needs and preferences are different and important, and see if you
can work out an arrangement that suits everyone.
>
>4. ... but does he really need to make a 8 yr old boy feel
>uncomfortable and upset!!
Just own this one. You and DW screwed up. Even if you didn't know and
couldn't read his mind, she just had to know he'd be offended. He shouldn't
have had to talk to his son, but he did and he did, and now everyone knows.
>
>5. ..... Now I know this is
>there plan but when their plan interferes with my money I think I have
>the right to have some say!
Don't do this to yourself. Keep separate money, or segregate the CS money, but
don't get into the hell that is CS.
>6. He's now made me feel uncomfortable in my very own house with
>people I love. My Step kids are struggling to talk because they fear
>that he will get on them.
Don't talk to the SKs about their father. The situation is too tense. They're
stuck in the middle, and they don't want people upset.
>So should I say something to him, or to my spouse what?
Talk to your wife. Maybe half the issues involve DW and her ex and the other
half involve DW wife and you. Figure out which are which, then stay out of the
former (CS, SD visitation, notice before visitation, etc.) and try to resolve
the latter (knocking, his things in your home, etc.). This is a tricky
process, and many people get divorced over it.
Her ex is like your job. It's her business, but it affects you. You talking
to the ex about CS is like her talking to your boss about your pay. Ex showing
up in your living room unexpectedly is like you unexpectedly having to work
late. You wanting her to push for regular CS is like her wanting you to ask
for a raise. You talk about this stuff and let each other know how you feel,
but you can't get caught up in making your mate handle it the way you want him
to.
>I mean I am really getting frustrated because I feel that there is no
>level of respect on his part. Thought?
Well, maybe he doesn't respect you personally. That's okay. That's workable.
Your respect for him isn't boundless, either. Just make the most of what you've
got. And apologize for the "Dad" thing.
jane
>
> (Matthew)
Matthew
> >
> >3. He calls on his cell phone to say he's coming to get the kids not
> >can he get the kid's. And he usually outside in our driveway when he
> >makes the call.
>
> If he just called from the driveway, why would he knock?
>
> Still, if it bugs you, just say, "Tom, do you mind knocking when you get here?
> I need a heads up that someone is at the house." You can't expect him to read
> your mind.
> >
Ok Jane let me make things more clearer for you first thing is that he
doesn't always call before he comes over sometimes he just shows up. I
don't know who may have taught people manners. But my Mother always
taught me that if it is not your home knock before you come in! I
don't give a dam* if he called before he came. It still is respectful
to knock!!! He doesn't pay mortage I do!!
>
>4. ... but does he really need to make a 8 yr old boy feel
>uncomfortable and upset!!
>>>Just own this one. You and DW screwed up. Even if you didn't know
and
>>>couldn't read his mind, she just had to know he'd be offended. He
shouldn't
>>>have had to talk to his son, but he did and he did, and now
everyone knows.
Own what the kid is 8 years old he feels like calling my Dad he knows
who is bio dad is and has never said that in front of his Real Dad.
That's why your called a "Stepfather" not "Step other person". He can
call me whatever he wants Dad-MATT it really doesn't matter to me.
Nobody forced him to say it e wanted too. He knows that I'm not his
father!!!
>6. He's now made me feel uncomfortable in my very own house with
>people I love. My Step kids are struggling to talk because they fear
>that he will get on them.
>>Don't talk to the SKs about their father. The situation is too
tense. >>They're stuck in the middle, and they don't want people
upset.
Who in the world do you think we are!!! Don't talk to kids about their
DAD!! Your saying something taht is common Sense and is practiced
constantly!!!!
jane
Ahh. Set your back up a little there, did I?
> But my Mother always
>taught me that if it is not your home knock before you come in!
Right. Sure. The thing is, your mother's etiquette is not given equal weight
by everyone in this situation. Think of it as a conflict of cultures. I have
to assume that the walking in was fine with everyone until you came along and
that you want to change the current system. You're not going to get people on
board with "my mother said." It's off-putting. You open a whole can of
worms: What the fuck does your mother have to do with anything?...Your mother
isn't Queen of the World... Are you calling *my* mother trash?... Your mother
isn't here now... Well then go live with your mother.
When you do things one way and the family you're coming into does them another
way, adjustments and accommodations have to be made. It takes cooperation,
team work. Nothing undermines the process quicker than "because I'm right and
you're wrong."
You're coming at this with the attitude that BF is wrong because he walks into
his children's home. That's not wrong to everyone. You're not going to get
anywhere with "it's wrong because it's wrong and you're wrong if you don't see
it's wrong." You have a much better chance with "it makes me uncomfortable."
jane
> (Matthew)
Matthew
walks into his children's home. That's not wrong to everyone. You're
not going to get anywhere with "it's wrong because it's wrong and
you're wrong if you don't see it's wrong." You have a much better
chance with "it makes me uncomfortable."<<<<<
Look I don't give a FUCK if his kids live there or not it's not HIS
HOME!!!! Your mother must be trash if she never told you to knock on
people doors !!!
The Watsons
"Matthew" <mma...@wilmingtontrust.com> wrote in message
news:adbbb832.04013...@posting.google.com...
> Look I don't give a FUCK if his kids live there or not it's not HIS
> HOME!!!! Your mother must be trash if she never told you to knock on
> people doors !!!
i really hope you don't approach the conversation with your wife the same
way....
Jess
Vicki Robinson
Ooooo kay. Sounds like you don't want to hear anything, you only want
people to tell you that you're right and everyone else is wrong.
Well, fuck that noise. That's not what we do here.
plonk.
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton
Anne Robotti
Robinson) wrote:
>Ooooo kay. Sounds like you don't want to hear anything, you only want
>people to tell you that you're right and everyone else is wrong.
>Well, fuck that noise. That's not what we do here.
Yes, it certainly is a giant mystery why you're having problems with
your family and your wife's ex.
Anne
jane
>HOME!!!! Your mother must be trash if she never told you to knock on
>people doors !!!
Yeah, see, this is just not going to get you where you want to go.
jane
Geri and sometimes Brian
the whole boundary issue.
Kathleen
argue with people who agree with you?
With hope and heart,
Kathleen
--
If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace,
because you know what you are.
~Mother Theresa
: >>Look I don't give a FUCK if his kids live there or not it's not
Anne Robotti
sometimes Brian) wrote:
>>>Look I don't give a FUCK if his kids live there or not it's not HIS
>>>HOME!!!! Your mother must be trash if she never told you to knock on
>>>people doors !!!
>>
>>Yeah, see, this is just not going to get you where you want to go.
>>
>Well, he must have missed my reply, because I pretty much agreed with him about
>the whole boundary issue.
But agreeing with someone's opinion isn't the same as agreeing that
their approach is going to get them where they want to go.
Anne