New Step-Parent Needs Support
Lynn M. Flatley
Hi. I'm new to this group. My partner has a 1-1/2 year old child that he
has recently managed to have on weekends (after much struggle with the
child's mother, to say the least). He is a resonsible, caring, sober man,
and loves his daughter deeply, and takes great delight in being in her
company.
We don't have any children of our own, which is a source of some grief to
me. I feel, at times, very outside of their relationship. Anyway, while
we are both very happy to have (finally) his daughter in our life (we
just bought a house together) I am finding that there is no "instant
family" and am having some difficulties and, well, just wanted to connect
with other step-parents for some advice and, perhaps, support.
L.
--
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. D.DuM.
Vicki
Hi Lynn,
I'm not in your situation but I am sure that as you establish a greater
rapport with your SD (and at that age kids are pretty responsive) the Happy
Family thing will happen...even if your hubby's ex is going to create
waves.
It is not the same for you as having your own child but you will still grow
to love her dearly. Just be aware that if you do ever have children of
your own, that difference can be quite glaring. My own hubby has failed
quite glaringly to treat my kids from a previous marriage the same as the
child we had together. He was much better with the oldest 2 before the
third was born and they notice it.
For now, try to just go along with things, all of you will need time to
adjust to the new visiting times, and there are no instant answers. Just
keep in mind that you'll get there - it's just a matter of sticking it out
a little while longer.
Best of luck, Lynn.... :)
Vicki
Lynn M. Flatley <ai...@torfree.net> wrote in article
<Erv5xG.4E...@torfree.net>...
Sharyn
Lynn M. Flatley wrote in message ...
>Hi. I'm new to this group. My partner has a 1-1/2 year old child that he
>has recently managed to have on weekends (after much struggle with the
>child's mother, to say the least). He is a resonsible, caring, sober man,
>and loves his daughter deeply, and takes great delight in being in her
>company.
>We don't have any children of our own, which is a source of some grief to
>me. I feel, at times, very outside of their relationship. Anyway, while
>we are both very happy to have (finally) his daughter in our life (we
>just bought a house together) I am finding that there is no "instant
>family" and am having some difficulties and, well, just wanted to connect
>with other step-parents for some advice and, perhaps, support.
>L.
>--
>Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. D.DuM.
Here goes some advice....
You are lucky in one aspect, in that the child is young yet and doesn't have
all the anger and such as an older child of divorce would have.
In my case, I have a 6 yo stepson, who loves me dearly, wouldn't trade him
for all the gold in Ft Knox. Him amd I get along great. I never feel like a
stranger looking in. He never compares me to his mother. We have a great
time when he is here.
I also have a 9 yo, stepdaughter. This child is spiteful, rude and downright
mean. We do not get along. She is constantly trying to cause fights between
her Dad and I. She is constantly calling me a liar. I feel like a stranger
all the time, when she is around. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her.
My home is never clean enough for her. I actually hate the time that she is
here. (BTW: I treat her NO differently than I treat her brother).
I do not have children of my own. Which like you, makes the situation
harder. It also makes the situation somewhat easier. Because there is no
difference in the treatment of his, mine, ours. Which seems to be a real
problem with most of the families here.
I think the best advice anyone can give is to remember that there is no
instant family, especially if the girls mother is not cooperating. If she
has nothing nice to say about you and your SO then chances are it is going
to reflect in the girl's behavior. If the girl and her mother arer
especially close, it will be harder to make a family unit (so to speak at
your house) because the girl will feel that sheis betraying her mother.
Like I said in my own relationship with my stepchildren I have the good and
the bad. I think the reason that SD and I don't get along is because I
believe that she should be a 9 yerar old, not an adult. Her mother treats
her like an adult and I won't. She is 9 years old, and that is the way I
treat her. I don't want her missing out on the FUN of being a child.
Children now grow up way to soon, with the differences in lifestyles.
So good luck, with your new relationship. Give it time. I have been in this
family for over 3 years now (almost 4) and it is starting to ever so slowly
change. Alot of what helped or hurted, whichever way you want to look at it,
was that the kids father and I got married last year. It helped with Travis
because he KNEW I wasn't going to leave him now. With Tosh it hurt, because
it closed the door on her parents getting back together again.
If you need a sounding board, send me email and I will listen. I know how
hard it is, trying all the wrong things but still trying.
Sharyn
Tracey
Hi, Lynn, and welcome. Hope things work out for you all. This is a
good group and very willing to share their experiences and thoughts
with you.
Tracey
janelaw
Parenting is really hard, and step parenting is much harder.
I find reading this NG very helpful. People generally try to be
supportive and helpful and to give the best advice they can. If
you ask for advice, you generally get a lot of different
perspectives. Since I am always questioning myself, my
approach, my hidden agenda, my parenting style and substance, I
find the alternative points of view refreshing. Sometimes you
find that you have experience with a problem or question and you
can offer someone else some help.
I have two things to say about your specific situation. First,
when my baby turned 18 months, I wanted to tear out my hair. Up
to that age, she had been my perfect angel baby. Overnight, she
became a monster. I remember just sobbing one evening when I
got home from work because she was screaming for her dinner and
I couldn't get it because she wouldn't let go of my leg. I
couldn't cook and hold her because I didn't want her to get
burned. Fortunately, I figured out that if I gave her a little
container of applesauce, that would distract her while I cooked
her dinner. My point is that you are coming into the picture at
a tricky age, and that you can expect things to get better.
Don't let it bother you one bit if that child screams when she
sees you for several months.
Second, I completely empathize with BM (biological mother). She
is raising this baby and is not living with your mate. I don't
know the specifics of what their relationship was, why they are
not still together if they ever were, who she lives with now,
what support she has. Maybe she is a single parent trying to
raise a baby by herself. Maybe your mate walked out when she
was pregnant. Maybe he cheated on you with her. Maybe she
hates you for taking him away when she needed him to be there.
Maybe he felt pushed aside when the baby came.
No matter what their specific situation, your mate and BM are
linked forever through this baby, yet they cannot provide the
child with the traditional nuclear family. That family is what
our culture says you are supposed to give your child. Among
you, you can create a wonderful, supportive, nurturing, diverse
environment for this baby to grow up in. But to get there you
adults have to work through any issues of guilt, blame,
resentment, and jealousy that you harbor. It is really hard.
Best of luck.