New husband still loves his ex-wife (to a point)
Lynda
here can shed some light on this.
My husband of almost 3 *months* has told be, yes, he still loves his
ex-wife, but not like he loves me. I came right out and asked, "Do you
love her because you had a child together?" Answer was no.
With all of the crap she caused him while they were married, I just
can not understand this. She slept around on him (resulting in a
daughter who is not his, but he has legally adopted her). She fooled
around with my DH's uncle for God's sake!!
Is he a sucker for punishment, or what??? I can't understand it!!
He says he loves her, probably always will, but she's not *good* for
him. He wouldn't EVER consider getting remarried to her.
We are going to be going to councelling for this. This *love* (or
whatever it is), has even affected us in the bedroom. He's admitted
this to me.
My question is, is it *normal* (whatever normal is!) that he still has
feelings for his ex-wife. They have been apart for 5 years now,
divorced for 3 years...
Lynda
Jennaii
Love is wierd.
I dont think he had to tell you this though.
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
Jennaii
Merrie
When our family counselor told us that my DH ex was still in love with
him the counselor said "it was treatable". I'm not sure what that meant.
It clearly wasn't appropriate of her, as she had already remarried. I think
there were some poor reasons having to do with her self-esteem that were
preventing her from letting go.
I can see why you would want your SDs BM to just stay away, but for
their sake I think they need to remain in contact with her as best they can.
This doesn't have to involve your husband, as they are old enough to do it
themselves, perhaps with your help. If they can manage to have a secure
sense of self which is very hard to do after being rejected by a BP, I think
they will be able to more readily love a stepparent. Apathy is a type of
child abuse.
I hope counseling helps.
Merrie
Lynda wrote in message <36e1e0cb...@news.erols.com>...
Kallynn1
>ex-wife, but not like he loves me. I came right out and asked, "Do you
>love her because you had a child together?" Answer was no.
Ouch!!! Maybe you could get some couseling or something. I dont think that
is normal. I know that my husband cares about his ex's well being and so do I
because it is the kids BM, but beyond that, there is nothing, no feelings of
love.
nancy g.
Right. There's a BIG difference between hoping things go well for a person,
not wishing them any harm, things like that ... and still being in LOVE with them.
And I agree, if he is describing it as a *current* feeling, if he is not saying
he LOVED her, but that he still LOVES her, then it does sound like it's a real
problem. The major kind.
I know when my S.O.'s ex passed away, he was kind of taken by surprise at
the amount of grieving he still needed to go through, even though their
relationship had been over for years. I listened to a WHOLE lot more stories
of their life together than I think I ever would have heard under normal
circumstances ... and it was *very* tough for me to hear and feel the amount
of love that was still there in a lot of those stories ...
but what helped me accept it all was that the stories he needed to tell were
the ones about how their relationship USED to be ... in the days when it was
still GOOD. He wasn't mourning the loss of his EX, he was mourning the loss
of his WIFE. It was in the *past*. Once I understood that, I was able to
support him a whole lot better, and (if I can ignore the overall weirdness
of the whole situation) I am glad I got to hear a lot of this stuff. It will
help me, I think, to better understand him and his kids, too, in the future.
Remembering how it felt to be in love with your ex when you were together and
things were still good is a wonderful thing (even though in most relationships,
I think, those kind of memories are better if they're kept to yourself). That
doesn't sound at all like what we're talking about here. I'm also concerned
that the original poster says her husband told her he thinks he "always will be"
in love with his ex.
I'm trying not to sound too pessimistic ... but ...
well, I think counseling is the right thing for them to be doing, and I hope
it turns out to be only a temporary phase that he's going through for some
unknown reason.
nancy g.
Lynda
>I do feel for you Lynda - this is a tough one.
*****Yes it is *very* tough! I'm praying the councelling will help us
also =)
> When our family counselor told us that my DH ex was still in love with
>him the counselor said "it was treatable". I'm not sure what that meant.
>It clearly wasn't appropriate of her, as she had already remarried. I think
>there were some poor reasons having to do with her self-esteem that were
>preventing her from letting go.
*****Honestly, my husband doesn't have low self-esteem (from what I
can see, anyway), so I really don't know what it is, or what this
*love* he has for her is.
You're SO right....he should have NEVER told me this!!
> I can see why you would want your SDs BM to just stay away, but for
>their sake I think they need to remain in contact with her as best they can.
*****Unfortunately, the girls BM lives in England and we're in the
USA. I would welcome, with open arms for my SD's to have a
relationship with their BM, but all they get now are phone calls (if
they're lucky). She has pretty well made it clear she wants *nothing*
to do with the 8 yo, but wants the 12 yo to live with her. The courts
said no, because of a lot of mental problems she has. The "court"
found her as a unfit mother to raise her daughter(s).
> I hope counseling helps.
>
>Merrie
Thank you *very* much everyone for your input! I really appreciate it
=)
Lynda
Lynda
it upsets me more then you could ever know....If I ever find the right
time to bring this topic up with him again, I will ask him if this is
what it is....he still loves his ex's well being.
Lynda
Kallynn1
>the amount of grieving he still needed to go through, even though their
>relationship had been over for years.
Nancy, dont worry that was normal!!! Funny story here. My dad left when I was
one year old (my mother claimed to hate him and never said a nice word
otherwise). Well when i was 27 year old (never had no contact with this man at
all) I got a phone call from a distant relative to inform me that my dad was
dying. I called my two sisters and we decided to fly out the Las Vegas to "see
him" "forgive him" I really dont know what I was doing, I just needed to go.
Well to our surprise, our mother wanted to go. Can you beleive this. After 25
years of hate, she wanted to go and see him on his death bed. She cried when
he died. Im still in awe over it and don't understand it to this day. She
hated him (so she said), but memories of the good times come back when people
pass and all that my mother had to say was how romantic it was when he proposed
to her and she got big tears in her eyes. Of course it has been four years now
since he has passed and she hates him as much as ever but I dont hear her say
bad stuff no more. And that is my story :o)
venus
says...
>
>>My husband of almost 3 *months* has told be, yes, he still loves his
>>ex-wife, but not like he loves me. I came right out and asked, "Do you
>>love her because you had a child together?" Answer was no.
>
>think that is normal. I know that my husband cares about his ex's
>well being and so do I because it is the kids BM, but beyond that,
>there is nothing, no feelings of love.
Why is everyone telling her to get counseling? HE'S the one that
needs counseling.
RBrancher2
writes:
>>Ouch!!! Maybe you could get some couseling or something. I dont
>>think that is normal. I know that my husband cares about his ex's
>>well being and so do I because it is the kids BM, but beyond that,
>>there is nothing, no feelings of love.
>
>Why is everyone telling her to get counseling? HE'S the one that
>needs counseling.
>
>
Maybe the 'you' in the '...you could get some counseling' was meant as
a generic 'you' and and was meant to include both the poster and her husband.
FWIW, I kinda sorta agree with the OP's husband although I think that in most
cases it's not a case of still loving the person, but loving the person *as
they
once were*. I know that I still term the feelings that I have for my former
fiance
as 'love', but I also realize that I don't love the person he is now (because I
haven't seen or heard from him in probably ten years) and I might not even LIKE
the person he is now, but I 'love' the person that I knew back then. (It
probably
also helps that we broke up because of extenuating circumstances, not because
of anything that we did to each other.)
And, then again, I agree that the husband needs SOMEONE to tell him that
telling your current SO/spouse that you still love your ex is *usually* not a
good thing to do.
Tracey
Kallynn1
>needs counseling.
I guess I should have been more specific. I didnt mean her alone. I meant
them as a couple. Yes this includes her too. They need to work this out
together as a married couple.