Where did my delightful little boy go???
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
Okay...stepson has just arrived. He's here for a month and something
suddenly changed over the last three weeks. My God, is he ever beligerant!!!
He'll be 9 in March...I think the testosterone is kicking in. He seemed fine
this afternoon, although he wasn't quite so eager to do some of the things he
was told. Then my husband built him a dinosaur out of his plastic
Meccano-type set. I laughed and said that it looked more like a duck--called
it a "duckopus". My stepson seemed a little aggitated and told me that it
was not a duck, it was a dinosaur. Then he went off to play with something
else. DH picked it up and changed it into a duck. Darling little stepson
came back and threw a hissy-fit...swatting it around the living room and
telling my husband that he had no right to wreck "his" dinosaur.
A little while later, he came out with a radio. He turned it way up so he
could drown out the television and DH told him to take it into his room. He
turned around and gave him a dirty look before cranking it back up.
Sounds to me like somebody's testing the boundaries a bit. I am truly amazed
at how fast this came up...reminds me of the five minute storm we had when I
was vacationing in Wales!
So here's my problem. We're leaving on vacation in exactly one week. I do
*not* wish to have to punish him while we're on vacation...had to do that
last year and it was *not* fun! DH is going to have a chat with him and let
him know that his attitude is not acceptable...since it's a new thing,
hopefully it won't be too hard to break. Unfortunately, my stepson is not
always so good at listening to him...he takes instruction from me (as an
objective third party, rather than a parent) much better.
Since I want to have this resolved as much as it's going to be before next
Sunday, how long do I leave it to DH before stepping in? I'd like to be able
to leave it longer, but we can't have my stepson upsetting everybody's
vacation.
This is very hard for me because I know that one word from me will have him
behaving like an angel, but DH really needs the opportunity to handle this.
TIA,
lil
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janelaw
You know what might help? Have a family meeting about the
vacation several days before you go. Talk about what you all
want, and make your expectations clear. You can all agree to be
on your best behavior and to be as tolerant of each other as
possible. I think vacations can be pretty stressful in general,
and your family are all remembering the last one which was
problematic. Maybe it will ease the tension to discuss it out
in the open and to make a joint pact to make this vacation much
more fun.
If this approach works, then you and DH will be acting in
concert. You won't feel like you are stepping on his toes.
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>
> Okay...stepson has just arrived. He's here for a month and something
> suddenly changed over the last three weeks. My God, is he ever beligerant!!!
>
> He'll be 9 in March...I think the testosterone is kicking in. He seemed fine
> this afternoon, although he wasn't quite so eager to do some of the things he
> was told.
> snip>
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
In article <6mpn6b$3...@bgtnsc01.worldnet.att.net>,
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
>
> You know what might help? Have a family meeting about the
> vacation several days before you go. Talk about what you all
> want, and make your expectations clear. You can all agree to be
> on your best behavior and to be as tolerant of each other as
> possible.
Thanks...actually, this was pretty much what we ended up doing. First my DH
phoned his ex to see if she'd been noticing anything. Naturally she
hadn't...she doesn't seem to notice much of anything! Then he had a talk
with my stepson about his "attitude" (although I'm not entirely sure he
understands what an attitude is!) and told him that it would not be
considered acceptable in our house and certainly not while we're on our
vacation. He explained to him that we do lots of fun things (being that my
DH is a typical weekend-type father and we do nothing *but* fun things when
my stepson's here!) and that there's no reason to be angry with us or throw
temper tantrums. Then, when I was present, he went over the rules with him
again, for my benefit. Not in a lecture or anything, but more a lighthearted
going-over of what we would *all* like from each other. I reassured my
stepson that if we all just tried to have a good time everything would be
just fine. We did, after all, plan this whole trip with my stepson in
mind...we're going to Alberta to hunt for dinosaur fossils!
Of course, it's kind of slow going...even with the agreement. DH beat him in
a Nintendo game this afternoon and my stepson yelled at him, telling DH that
*he* was supposed to win. DH very calmly asked him why he felt he should
have won (and believe me, he did everything he possibly could so that my
stepson *would* win, but you can only go so slow!) and whether he thought
that yelling at someone was a nice thing to do. He explained to my stepson
the rules of good sportsmanship...when you lose, you don't yell and scream;
you congratulate the winner. When you win, you don't jump up and down
saying, "I won! I won!"...you shake the other person's hand and say "good
game" (DH is a competetive soccer player from way back!).
I don't know how well this is all sinking in...it looks like we'll have to
take every situation as it comes. I just can't believe how angry he is! We
just had him three weeks ago and there was *no* sign of this whatsoever.
He's always been a happy, well-behaved little boy...I was actually kind of
concerned that he'd never intentionally misbehaved in the five years I've
been in his life. His mother has recently started taking in other children
as a way of making extra money and I think one of the newer ones must be a
heck of an influence. Also, one of the children is a baby and my stepson
just announced yesterday that he "hates" babies...and he's always loved them!
We've asked him how he's going to feel about DH and I having a baby and he
says that he doesn't want us to have one. Poor kid...it's not like he's
going to get a choice! But I'm thinking that he's resenting the time his
mother is spending with these four other children!
The funny thing is, it's not just the attitude; it's the language. His big
thing this morning was "Oh my God!" Definitely new, but DH and I think that
we can live with that one. It's a lot better than yesterday! We were
watching The Wizard of Oz and Dorothy had just met the Tin Man. My stepson
said, "Next is the Cowardly Lion...when the hell is that going to happen?"
The problem is, my stepson has a speech impediment and we're never quite sure
whether we heard what we thought we heard or not! My FIL has assured us that
there's nothing we can do about the language...he simply told his sons that
you didn't speak that way around ladies, which seems like good advice to me.
Although I never use it around my stepson, I have a fairly blue vocabulary
myself!
As it is, he's gone over to his grandparents' for the rest of the week. We
frequently do this so he can spend some time with them, as they only see him
a few times a year. We've gone over the situation with them and my MIL
agrees that they have also been lax in the discipline area when he stays with
them. So she sat down with him and explained to him what *she* would expect
from him in their house. She agrees that he's old enough that he should have
a few more consequences for his actions and ignoring instructions or tantrums
will result in time-outs. She's going to keep a pretty firm grip on him
during the next few days, so hopefully that will help.
I'll let you all know when we get back from our trip!
janelaw
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>
>
> The funny thing is, it's not just the attitude; it's the language. His big
> thing this morning was "Oh my God!" Definitely new, but DH and I think that
> we can live with that one. It's a lot better than yesterday! We were
> watching The Wizard of Oz and Dorothy had just met the Tin Man. My stepson
> said, "Next is the Cowardly Lion...when the hell is that going to happen?"
> The problem is, my stepson has a speech impediment and we're never quite sure
> whether we heard what we thought we heard or not! My FIL has assured us that
> there's nothing we can do about the language...he simply told his sons that
> you didn't speak that way around ladies, which seems like good advice to me.
> Although I never use it around my stepson, I have a fairly blue vocabulary
> myself!
>
>
daughter that different language was appropriate in different
situations. She could swear in her room, but not at school,
etc. We made a deal that each of us owed the other a nickel if
a swear slipped out.
Anyway, one night I had a lecture I couldn't miss and a sitter I
couldn't find, so I brought her to school with me. She was
four. I made her promise to sit and color and be quiet. She
did fine until the professor said "shit." She let out a huge
gasp and said, "that's a nickel." I was mortified, but
apparently the professor had children, too. He paused for a
second, brought a nickel back to her seat, then went on with the
lecture.
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
In article <6mtuug$8...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>,
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
>
> I never got very upset about cursing. I just tried to teach my
> daughter that different language was appropriate in different
> situations. She could swear in her room, but not at school,
> etc.
This is actually my attitude, as well. I don't see very much wrong with an
expletitive (sp???) or two slipping out when my kids are frustrated, so long
as they know that it's not acceptable when grandma or someone like that is
around. My concern this time, though, is with my stepson's mom. We need to
phone her tonight (before my stepson comes back from his grandparents) and
ask what is considered acceptable language in her house. Because--as a
minister's daughter--if she has a problem with "Oh my God" and we let it
perpetuate, that's going to look really bad for my DH. Actually, knowing
her, she's probably the one he picked it up from, but we don't want to do
anything that's going to jeopardize our visits and she might not be too crazy
if he goes back home five weeks from now with a larger vocubulary than he had
when he left. Since she's the custodial parent, what DH and I think about
swearing probably doesn't enter into it much!