A question about this Stepfathering business
Adam Porter
Hello folks! I'm happy to find this forum.
My girlfriend (of 6 months now) is finally divorced after a 2.5- year
ordeal. She and I (we're both 31) are doing great, and I am getting
closer to her 5-year-old son all the time. Right now his father has
him 2 weekends out of 3 and Thursday nights, since she stays home
Tuesdays and Thursdays with him. After this summer, her son will
start Kindergarten and they will switch to a more convenional
every-other-weekend plus Thursday nights. We don't live together yet,
but we hope to within a year.
Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile,
drunk loser living with his mother. I haven't met the man yet, and I
don't look forward to it... but it is probably inevitable.
The boy adores him, of course. His mother and I take great care to
never speak a word against his father when he's around.
He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me
Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would
like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll
never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind
him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?
Any additional general advice on the general situation would also be
welcomed. I never planned to get into anything like this, but it
feels good so far.
--
-- Adam
____________________________________________________________________
Adam Porter: Bell Laboratories, Lucent Technologies Murray Hill, NJ
St0rmsfate
><BR>
>Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile,<BR>
>drunk loser living with his mother. I haven't met the man yet, and I<BR>
>don't look forward to it... but it is probably inevitable.<BR>
><BR>
<br>
<br>
Hmmm..there are two sides to every story. <br>
janelaw
Adam Porter wrote:
>
>snip
>
>
>
> Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile,
>
you certainly have a firm opinion about a guy you never met.
can't you give him a chance?
> The boy adores him, of course. His mother and I take great care to
> never speak a word against his father when he's around.
>
good job. my daughter's father can be such a total jerk that
sometimes i hate his guts. i ALWAYS have to count to at least a
hundred during our conversations, and sometimes i still lose my
temper. but my daughter sees this entirely different man. it
doesn't matter how successful or well-adjusted or reasonable he
is. she sees the sensitive, fun-loving, caring man who adores
her. she sees so much good in him, that it makes me feel petty
for focusing on the bad.
> He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me
> Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would
> like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll
> never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind
> him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?
>
> snip
i get the impression that you are not ready for this level of
commitment. if i am getting this right, you and your gf are
moving cautiously; you have only been going out a short time,
she is still trying to extract herself from a painful
relationship, there is a child involved, etc.
meanwhile, the boy is giving his heart to you. if he is calling
you "daddy," then isn't he really saying that he thinks you are
a family? or he wants you to be a family? if things don't work
out, you don't want to hurt him.
so, in a way, it doesn't really matter what the kid calls you.
i mean, you can't playfully remind him not to love you. i just
can't picture you sitting down with a five-year-old and
discussing levels of commitment in relationships. all i can
suggest is that you discuss this with your gf.
i did notice one other thing about your post. please don't take
offense if i am wrong. you never mention anything positive
about the boy. i think it may be making you uncomfortable that
you do not reciprocate his affection and total acceptance.
what i am trying to say is that you shouldn't worry if you don't
like the kid as much as he likes you. you can't expect yourself
to just automatically love kids because you love their mother.
you never feel the same way about other people's kids as you do
your own, and step-children do not automatically become your
own. especially if you have never had kids of your own, i think
it is very helpful to read books about children and parenting.
you could sort of get a feel for what behaviors kids exhibit at
his age, what they feel during divorce, how they react to a new
father, etc.
Northrnwmn
Adam,
Congratulations on handling a sticky situation well re:the boy calling you dad.
It is important to respect that the boy's father is his "daddy" and let the
child know that you are not a replacement father. I like your attitude that
your role is/may be an addition or extension of the boy's family.
Best of luck,
Sandy
orbi...@my-dejanews.com
In article <6kfeq3$543$1...@tenor.research.bell-labs.com>,
por...@tenor.research.bell-labs.com (Adam Porter) wrote:
Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile,
> drunk loser living with his mother. I haven't met the man yet, and I
> don't look forward to it... but it is probably inevitable.
It's not only inevitable, it's necessary. This man *will* be part of your
life. You need to be comfortable with this *before* making the living
together commitment.
> He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me
> Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would
> like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll
> never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind
> him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?
Count on it. You never will be his daddy, but you may be his step-dad and
that's a great thing to be. There's nothing wrong with your girlfriend's son
calling you Daddy- after all, he knows who his dad is. Calling you Daddy
doesn't change that. Good luck.
>
> Any additional general advice on the general situation would also be
> welcomed. I never planned to get into anything like this, but it
> feels good so far.
>
> --
> -- Adam
> ____________________________________________________________________
> Adam Porter: Bell Laboratories, Lucent Technologies Murray Hill, NJ
>
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In article <199805270058...@ladder01.news.aol.com>,
Sandy, I agree that with most cases stepparents are an addition to a child's
life and not a replacement. However, I do not see the problem in his
girlfriend's son calling him daddy if he gets along with him. I have some
friends who have stepparents and some of them call their stepparents by their
first name while others tend to be really close to their step and call them
mom or dad even though they keep in contact with their bioparents. As for me,
I was adopted by my stepdad, so I call him Dad. He is the only father I know
since my biological dad abandoned my mom a few months before she gave birth to
me. You may be wondering why I am here(don't worry, this will probably be the
last time this group will hear from me). I was here to see how stepparent
relationships really are cause a few of my friends who have steps don't have a
very close and loving relationship that me and my dad have. My buddies who
don't get along with their step tell me that the relationship I have with my
dad is very rare to them since their steps don't think of themselves as a
parent to their stepchildren. So in my case, I was lucky.
Schawanda
orbi...@my-dejanews.com
I think it's all such a muddle because step-parents are in a parenting role
without being the actual parents (and boy can those bio-parents make life
tough if they want to.) We all need to stand up, be *very* proud of our role.
We are the people who step up to bat and love and care for children that are
not our own, that we raise without that bio-burst of genetically built in
love, but rather by choice. We should define our own roles because society in
general is really floundering on this issue. By the way- how nice to read a
post from a step child. -Denise, who raises step and bio both, and loves the
whole pack.
In article <6kgi88$ej1$1...@nnrp1.dejanews.com>,
Stacy
.
>
>He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me
>Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would
>like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll
>never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind
>him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?
>
>Any additional general advice on the general situation would also be
>welcomed. I never planned to get into anything like this, but it
>feels good so far.
I have a 4 yr step-daughter that sometimes calls me mommy sometimes and
sometimes stacy. I just answer to either one and let her decide what to
call me <her mother is still active in her life>. DH told me that she told
her day care teachers that she has TWO mommys. I feel lucky that she feels
that way. Just let the child lead, if bio-dad continues to be active in his
life then he will never forget him.
Stacy
orbi...@yahoo.com
I think this is some of the best advice I've read. There are powerful and
conflicting (and confusing!) emotions at work when you become involved with
other people's children. I didn't have any children of my own when my three
stepchildren came to live with us and hadn't even spent much time around
children. They were very loving and accepting with me and I felt guilty about
not reciprocating. I didn't *truly* understand how young they were and kept
thinking they should understand things they were developmentally unable to
grasp. Ten years later our love for each other is genuine and deep. But I
sure could have used some guidence back then! I think the wisest path is: go
slowly, discover what your going to be dealing with. Denise
In article <6khk3l$9...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>,
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
>
> >
> >snip
>
> i did notice one other thing about your post. please don't take
> offense if i am wrong. you never mention anything positive
> about the boy. i think it may be making you uncomfortable that
> you do not reciprocate his affection and total acceptance.
>
> what i am trying to say is that you shouldn't worry if you don't
> like the kid as much as he likes you. you can't expect yourself
> to just automatically love kids because you love their mother.
> you never feel the same way about other people's kids as you do
> your own, and step-children do not automatically become your
> own. especially if you have never had kids of your own, i think
> it is very helpful to read books about children and parenting.
> you could sort of get a feel for what behaviors kids exhibit at
> his age, what they feel during divorce, how they react to a new
> father, etc.
>