Soon to be Step-Mom with troublesome BM
Minerva
an introduction. I'm a 28 female, soon to be married to divorced male,
34 years old with a perfectly wonderful six year old daughter. The BM
is a problem child to say the least, exceedingly jealous of anybody
else's interaction with her daughter, including that of the biological
father; but particularly in this case of course, myself. I myself have
no children, have never been married and never dated a man with
children.
For the better part of our early relationship, the BM was indifferent
to me, a little snotty; but not aggressively antagonistic either. That
has mostly changed since we became engaged a few months ago. Some of
her tactics in this new situation have included, striking me from the
list of people allowed to pick up the child from school, attempting to
engage my fiancee in public shouting matches (which he calmly
ignores), actively attempts to stir up resentment towards my fiancee
and myself in the child (thus far, unsuccessfully); and repeatedly
trying to get the generally and otherwise generous visitation altered
to her whim and convenience, effectively turning my fiancee into a
gloirfied babysitter.
She's attempted other even more severe interference in our lives which
I am reluctant to detail here just yet; but I'd be interested in
hearing about folks in similar situations that have successfully
navigated these issues and the how...
Thanks for any input anyone may have.
Minerva
Geri and Brian
>I am reluctant to detail here just yet; but I'd be interested in
>hearing about folks in similar situations that have successfully
>navigated these issues and the how...
>
Hi! We are in a similar situation, though our ages are different. My husband
and I are 41 and his daughter will be five in three weeks. BM is 46. We are
in the midst of an ugly custody battle which was continued for a year. We have
LOTS of trouble with our BM. If you would like to e-mail me, I would be happy
to chat with you! :-) BTW, in these situations, I am not sure "successful"
navigation exists - you just learn how to port around the icebergs when you
can. :-)
Geri
~~~~~~~~~~
"Cats don't have nine lives, just two - theirs, then yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
To e-mail us, dump the litterbox. :-)
sweet...@webtv.net
alot of times it gets me down, more so than it should because I have
those other things done in the past too that I haven't spoke of. I have
been reading and did a couple postings here for the last few weeks. I
find just reading everyone's advice helps. Not all are my situation and
some are. You are welcome to e-mail me if you like.
Always,
Sylvia
sweet...@webtv.net
Minerva
on that offer. I feel better knowing that I am not hte only one
dealing with a difficult BM.
Sincerely,
Minerva
Minerva
others. For example, how would you or do you handle it when SD is
probabley being told to lie to you? We know that SD has been coached
to lie to us in the past and this fact casts suspicion on other
perhaps perfectly innocent things that she says.
Thank you for your response,
Minerva
jane lawrence
>
> Since this is my first posting, I guess I should spare a few lines for
> an introduction. I'm a 28 female, soon to be married to divorced male,
> 34 years old with a perfectly wonderful six year old daughter. The BM
> is a problem child to say the least, exceedingly jealous of anybody
> else's interaction with her daughter, including that of the biological
> father; but particularly in this case of course, myself. I myself have
> no children, have never been married and never dated a man with
> children.
>
> For the better part of our early relationship, the BM was indifferent
> to me, a little snotty; but not aggressively antagonistic either. That
> has mostly changed since we became engaged a few months ago. Some of
> her tactics in this new situation have included, striking me from the
> list of people allowed to pick up the child from school, attempting to
> engage my fiancee in public shouting matches (which he calmly
> ignores), actively attempts to stir up resentment towards my fiancee
> and myself in the child (thus far, unsuccessfully); and repeatedly
> trying to get the generally and otherwise generous visitation altered
> to her whim and convenience, effectively turning my fiancee into a
> gloirfied babysitter.
>
> I am reluctant to detail here just yet; but I'd be interested in
> hearing about folks in similar situations that have successfully
> navigated these issues and the how...
>
>
figure. I have posted many times about my gratitude to her.
Although she and my ex split several years ago, she still gets
"visitation" with our daughter several times a year. In fact,
lil has a picture of us together taken a couple of months ago.
She never yanked my chain, and she never argued with me. Her
position was that I was the mother and therefore deserving of
respect. She loved my child and thanked me for sharing her with
me. She facilitated visitation by buffering my dealings with my
ex. She told my ex that he had the most wonderful kid in the
world and that he should kiss my feet for raising her so well.
Kind posters here sometimes say that they would like to have me
as their SKs' BM. Well, that woman taught me how to get along.
She was so damned nice to my kid and to me that I couldn't hate
her if I wanted to. In retrospect, I think I did want to.
jane
Minerva
So far I haven't had a lot of direct contact with BM and when I have
had to deal with her directly I have tried to be pleasant even though
I don't get the same curtsey in return.
After an incident escalated and my soon to be husband had to put an
attorney on retainer, I called her and offer to meet her for lunch or
dinner to talk. I know it probably wasn't the best time but I thought
that if she could sit down and talk to me woman to woman and have me
look her in the eye and explain that I was not trying to replace her
and at the same time let her know that I love her daughter. She did
let me know through my fiancé that she got my message but she didn't
want to talk to me. Ninety-nine percent of all communication goes
through my fiancé and I haven't pushed to communicate with BM.
How long did it take before you were able to get use to this almost SM
and what did she do that created a feeling of trust between the 2 of
you?
I do things all the time for SD but I am sure that she doesn't know
about any of them and I'm afraid that if she did she would resent me
for doing them.
Thanks for writing; I look forward to your response.
Minerva
Anne Robotti
worrying all the time about what BM would think about what I was doing.
How she would react, would she resent me, would she say bad things about
me... I drove myself crazy. Now I do what I want. If she has a problem,
she knows my number. I don't say bad things about her to SD, I don't
do things with SD that BM has told me she definitely said no to. But,
since she hasn't called us in five years to tell us something she said
no to, I now do completely what I want. What movies I want to see, what
clothes I want SD to wear, etc. And if she ever called and had a prob-
lem, I would say to her, "Well, I can't read your mind. If you want to
discuss rules with me, I'll listen. I won't let you make the rules in
my house, but I'll listen and we can try to come to some kind of com-
promise." I wont' go back to living my life around what she might think.
I think that's a common trap we SMs fall into. We're faced with someone
who hates the "position" of stepmom to their kids. And we knock ourselves
out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
Anne
Minerva wrote:
tkwalker
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:38603A0D...@worldnet.att.net...
I now do completely what I want. What movies I want to see, what
> clothes I want SD to wear, etc. And if she ever called and had a prob-
> lem, I would say to her, "Well, I can't read your mind. If you want to
> discuss rules with me, I'll listen. I won't let you make the rules in
> my house, but I'll listen and we can try to come to some kind of com-
> promise." I wont' go back to living my life around what she might think.
> I think that's a common trap we SMs fall into. We're faced with someone
> who hates the "position" of stepmom to their kids. And we knock ourselves
> out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
>
> Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
> when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
>
> Anne
Anne,
What wonderful, yet basic words. How simple. How concise. I think I love
you. Can I move in?
Kina
Sarai
around the bm...thats exactly what my ex wanted me to do. He told me once,
I have to give in to her so i can see my daughter, and I have to let her
boss me around. I need you to work with her also (translation: let her boss
you too) so I can see my daughter. It just got ridiculous. Bm throwing a
fit about every petty thing about sd, mainly her being dropped off on time,
little stuff like that. My ex's family would *expect*, not ask, me to drive
sd back and forth from her mom's to their house. I would bring sd back
home, bm wouldn't be there, so i came back later and dropped her off. (im
trailing off into an example here) Bm would then chew out my ex's parents
for sd being late. Really crazy scenario, bm would do things like that as
an excuse to chew out the inlaws, and the inlaws would then in turn chew me
out for not worshipping the ground bm walks on, until finally i could'nt
handled it and refused to participate whatsoever anymore. Then they started
ignoring my son, and that hurt. So I just left. I guess this turned into
kind of a vent, but oh well, I just started typing and could'nt stop.
Heather M.
Anne Robotti wrote in message <38603A0D...@worldnet.att.net>...
>Minerva, I think a trap that I definitely fell into was wondering and
>worrying all the time about what BM would think about what I was doing.
>How she would react, would she resent me, would she say bad things about
>me... I drove myself crazy. Now I do what I want. If she has a problem,
>she knows my number. I don't say bad things about her to SD, I don't
>do things with SD that BM has told me she definitely said no to. But,
>since she hasn't called us in five years to tell us something she said
>no to, I now do completely what I want. What movies I want to see, what
>clothes I want SD to wear, etc. And if she ever called and had a prob-
>lem, I would say to her, "Well, I can't read your mind. If you want to
>discuss rules with me, I'll listen. I won't let you make the rules in
>my house, but I'll listen and we can try to come to some kind of com-
>promise." I wont' go back to living my life around what she might think.
>I think that's a common trap we SMs fall into. We're faced with someone
>who hates the "position" of stepmom to their kids. And we knock ourselves
>out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
>
>Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
>when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
>
>Anne
>
Sarai
kids...will you give me step-parenting lessons? I'll pay you I promise!!
Wait, but first, make sure you slap me around a little bit and make me
realize what I'm getting into, and if I don't listen, THEN give me the
lessons.
Heather
tkwalker wrote in message <83pl2m$l0$1...@news.laserlink.net>...
>
>Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
>news:38603A0D...@worldnet.att.net...
> I now do completely what I want. What movies I want to see, what
>> clothes I want SD to wear, etc. And if she ever called and had a prob-
>> lem, I would say to her, "Well, I can't read your mind. If you want to
>> discuss rules with me, I'll listen. I won't let you make the rules in
>> my house, but I'll listen and we can try to come to some kind of com-
>> promise." I wont' go back to living my life around what she might think.
>> I think that's a common trap we SMs fall into. We're faced with someone
>> who hates the "position" of stepmom to their kids. And we knock ourselves
>> out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
>>
>> Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
>> when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
>>
>> Anne
>
>
Newsgroups
> out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
realization for the wack-o in texas.
>Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
> when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly
****okay, i don't know who you are. what you want. or how you think you're
going to get away with this, but please, please, bring anne back!!!!!
this lovey-dovey talk is too weird. annnnnnnnnne????
yee-hee-hee
kitley
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:38603A0D...@worldnet.att.net...
> Minerva, I think a trap that I definitely fell into was wondering and
> worrying all the time about what BM would think about what I was doing.
> How she would react, would she resent me, would she say bad things about
> me... I drove myself crazy. Now I do what I want. If she has a problem,
> she knows my number. I don't say bad things about her to SD, I don't
> do things with SD that BM has told me she definitely said no to. But,
> since she hasn't called us in five years to tell us something she said
> no to, I now do completely what I want. What movies I want to see, what
> clothes I want SD to wear, etc. And if she ever called and had a prob-
> lem, I would say to her, "Well, I can't read your mind. If you want to
> discuss rules with me, I'll listen. I won't let you make the rules in
> my house, but I'll listen and we can try to come to some kind of com-
> promise." I wont' go back to living my life around what she might think.
> I think that's a common trap we SMs fall into. We're faced with someone
> who hates the "position" of stepmom to their kids. And we knock ourselves
> out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
>
> Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
> when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
>
> Anne
>
Anne Robotti
>
> > Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
> > when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly.
> >
> > Anne
>
>
> What wonderful, yet basic words. How simple. How concise. I think I love
> you. Can I move in?
>
> Kina
Yes, if I can move out. I'll need a few days to get Brooke, Charlie and
the cats organized and then this mess is all YOURS!!
Anne
Anne Robotti
how to step-parent. Of course, my own life as a step-parent is so screwed
up and messy it's a shame, but I can always resolve others' problems with
a quick email! :)
I dont' remember your situation, aren't you a stepmom now? If so, it's a
little too late for "Run For Your Life 101", we'll start with, "Realizing
Exactly What You've Gotten Into" It's usually an advanced course, but I'm
confident you can master it. :D
Anne
Anne Robotti
>
> >And we knock ourselves
> > out, chasing our tails to try to get their approval.
> ****okay, anne. light bulbs flashing for me......WOAHHHH!!! grand
> realization for the wack-o in texas.
What realization was that, O Scarily Weird One? :D
>
> >Love the kid, don't talk bad about the mother. Give your opinion to DH
> > when he asks. That's your job. :) Act accordingly
> ****okay, i don't know who you are. what you want. or how you think you're
> going to get away with this, but please, please, bring anne back!!!!!
> this lovey-dovey talk is too weird. annnnnnnnnne????
>
> yee-hee-hee
Kitley, Merry Christmas and a big "Bite Me" to you! :D
Anne
Anne Robotti
compliments are making me feel like I could actually get through
the Christmas holidays without having a breakdown! :)
Thanks Donna, that means a lot. Sometimes I'm just feeling my way
through it, and knowing that at least I helped somebody else makes
me feel better.
Anne
Donna wrote:
>
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> I have an entire file of posts of yours -- stuff that I read and tuck away
> because I know that I will need to read them frequently.
>
> This one is in there, too. Thanks.
>
> Donna
>
> Anne Robotti wrote in message <38603A0D...@worldnet.att.net>...
>
> <snip excellent commentary -- please see original>
Newsgroups
deary!!!!!
kitley
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:3860D69F...@worldnet.att.net...
kevin
kevin
In article <3860D79D...@worldnet.att.net>, Anne Robotti says...
--
"It was so cold that if the thermometer had been an inch longer we would
have frozen to death" - Mark Twain
jane lawrence
> had to deal with her directly I have tried to be pleasant even though
> I don't get the same curtsey in return.
>
> After an incident escalated and my soon to be husband had to put an
> attorney on retainer, I called her and offer to meet her for lunch or
> dinner to talk. I know it probably wasn't the best time but I thought
> that if she could sit down and talk to me woman to woman and have me
> look her in the eye and explain that I was not trying to replace her
> and at the same time let her know that I love her daughter. She did
> let me know through my fiancé that she got my message but she didn't
> want to talk to me. Ninety-nine percent of all communication goes
> through my fiancé and I haven't pushed to communicate with BM.
>
> How long did it take before you were able to get use to this almost SM
> and what did she do that created a feeling of trust between the 2 of
> you?
>
> about any of them and I'm afraid that if she did she would resent me
> for doing them.
>
> Minerva
I'm going to refer to the woman we are discussing as SM even
though she and my ex never married.
When SM entered my life things were horrible between me and my
ex. When we split up I figured I was doing all the hard work
with our child anyway, if I left him I'd be doing the same work
without the bullshit. The first example I can think of is that
when I finally got out of the house at night to have dinner with
my best friend, he called and had me paged before the food
arrived to tell me that my 4 mo old missed me and I needed to
come home. Don't even start with baby anxiety either; he is the
10th of 17 children
and he had three sons.
When SM appeared on the scene, I still had resentment that I had
all the responsibility for our child's daily life. Compounding
that was his insistence on showing me what a prize catch I had
lost by calling me 30 minutes after he was supposed to show up
for visitation and telling me that he was called away on an
emergency that only he could handle. Of course, my response was
along the lines of "Well handle THIS, Asshole." On the other
hand, my daughter adored her dad and always wanted to see him.
So he and I were at flash point. SM appeared in her red
Mercedes convertible with a car phone (rare in those prehistoric
days). She was thinner and better looking than I am. She had
more money. She was perfectly dressed and perfectly groomed.
I, OTOH, was in school, completely sleep-deprived, and tortured
that I didn't have more time with my daughter, who was the most
wonderful child in the world. I had absolutely no interest in
liking her.
SM systematically allayed my fears. They were (in roughly this
order):
Neglect of my child.
Abuse of my child.
Meanness to my child.
Inciting my ex to further bullshit.
Coming between my child and her father.
Contravening my ideals and teachings.
The first three I was pretty reassured about after the first
three visits. My kid liked her. She was happy to go the next
time, even if it was SM not my ex picking her up. I had a few
twinges about my daughter going on and on about how wonderful SM
was, but that was quickly overshadowed by my relief at finding
someone who could tolerate playing Barbies with her (a huge
source of guilt for me).
The last three took some time. Months. Early on, she started
facilitating things. Instead of my ex calling to say that he
was too important to show up and I was being a bitch for
objecting, I'd get SM explaining that she was really sorry for
inconveniencing me, but was there any way we could work out a
new arrangement, she'd be more than happy to do the pick up and
drop off, etc. She asked me what movies were okay for my
daughter to see (a big, big issue for me), and whether I was
planning dinner or she should feed BD. If BD objected about my
decisions on movies or whatever, SM told her that I was a very
smart lady and that BD should listen to what I had to say. Once
I was reassured that she wouldn't be undermining me at every
turn, I completely trusted her to make decisions about my kid.
As time went on, I started to think of her almost as an
enrichment resource. She filled in gaps in my parenting. Not
only could she play Barbies, she could peruse fashion magazines
with BD for hours. I cooked - she didn't. She played with
makeup - I didn't. I took BD to the zoo - she took her to the
ballet.
The most important thing she did was to convey to me, my ex, and
my child that BD was a wonderful child and that she was
privileged to share in BD's life. She also made it clear to all
of us that if BD was such a great kid, I must be a great
mother.
Some people will get upset about this, but I think the second
most important thing she did was to assure me that she would
never try to undermine or displace me. Until she figured out
what I was teaching my kid, she stayed away from hot button
issues like religion, sex, and politics. She investigated how I
defined my role, and what areas I felt were my prerogative. She
carved out a niche, which is substantial and enduring and of
great import to my child, elsewhere.
jane
Boatinlady
she would react, would she resent me, would she say bad things about me... I
drove myself crazy. Now I do what I want. If she has a problem, she knows my
number>>>
Anne,
That sounds exactly like what I orginally started out doing when I first became
a SM.
I worried about the things that I knew BM said about me and my kids, what she
said to my ss about me, yada yada yada. I drove myself nuts!!!!
After reading this board and getting GREAT advice/opinions from everyone, I
made the decision to let it go. I decided that the problems with BM and ss are
dh's problems, and I am there if he needs me, but the phone calls, pick up and
drop off, even buying Christmas presents for ss, are now handled entirely by
dh.
And what a relief it is!!!!!!!
Pat
Sarai
about sooo many emotions and feelings that I was really afraid to admit when
I was a sm. I guess the reason I started posting, is because even though
I'm not a sm anymore, it's good to get these feelings off of my chest, and
find people who have gone through the *same* thing. Plus, your posts are
absolutely hilarious sometimes!! lol
Heather M.
kevin wrote in message ...
Sarai
anymore (gee I wonder why) I think I was really too young to take on such a
demanding role, and one that creates all these weird s.parent feelings. (I'm
22) But I do have our bs together, and I get great parenting advice on
here, plus I get to say all the "i know's" and "me too's" to people who had
all the probs. So, I guess I already ran for my life, just make sure if I
*ever ever ever* consider it again, you slap the crap outta me.
Joy,
Heather
Anne Robotti wrote in message <3860D586...@worldnet.att.net>...
Anne Robotti
Anne
Geri and Brian
I would add two things: keep loving your husband enough to never forget why you
got into this in the first place and don't pressure yourself too much to be a
perfect parent. (That is one I can't seem to learn).