any suggestions?
Ladywthafn
The situation that I am having is basically this...
My son visits his father (who lives with his S/O) once a month for a one week
period each month. He will be starting school in September so the week long
visits will stop, however, we still have a problem to deal with now.
I actually get along well with my ex and his S/O. Actually, I get along better
with the S/O. The problem we are having is that my ex refuses to discipline
our son at all. His girlfriend tries to do a great job with my son while he's
visting but my son now realizes that his dad won't back her up on anything so
he runs around doing what he wants and gets away with it. He refuses to listen
to her because he knows dad won't punish him! This is making life difficult
for everyone involved. My son is starting to resent his dads girlfriend
because she is the one who does all the disciplining. He comes home from his
vists and acts like a monster! Anytime I try to discipline him I hear "well my
dad wouldn't yell at me for that", etc. He won't listen to a word I say and is
VERY fresh. After about 2 weeks or so he starts getting back to normal and
then <poof> it's time to go to dads again.
I have spoken to the S/O about this and she agree's with me that the lack of
discipline on dads part is a huge problem. It is making her life hell with my
son as well as mine. I have had a long talk with dad a few months back about
this. I asked him to sit down with his S/O and try to work out some plan to
make it as though they are both doing the disciplining. He said he understood
the problem and he would talk to her. She said he never even mentioned it!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get dad to step up and be a father
instead of a friend? It's especially not fair to my son and I feel so bad for
him! Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks.
Jody
David and Dionne Kane
I've been in a similar situation. The best I could do was to tell my
daughter, "Maybe dad lets you, but in this house, these are the rules and
you have to follow them." I always followed that up with a lot of talk
about how different houses have different rules, and even went so far as to
say, "dad doesn't see you as much so he doesn't like to say no, I know that
makes it hard for you when you come back home but it doesn't change the
rules here." She is now 8 and has a pretty good grasp of it. It's unfair
to the kid, yes. And unfair to you (me too) yes, but that's the way it is
sometimes. Good luck.
daisy
In article <6mn59e$p...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>, "David says...
i would have to agree. my four yo knows and fully understands that there
different rules _every_ place. what is ok or tolerated in a toy store, touching
items, being a little excited/loud, is not ok in the hallmark store, or when mom
is trying on clothes. his daycare provider, who happens to be a very dear friend
of mine, has her house rules, and i have mine, and he knows what the differences
are.
daisy
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Ladywthafn
>i would have to agree. my four yo knows and fully understands that there
different rules _every_ place. what is ok or tolerated in a toy store, touching
items, being a little excited/loud, is not ok in the hallmark store, or when
mom is trying on clothes. his daycare provider, who happens to be a very dear
friend of mine, has her house rules, and i have mine, and he knows what the
differences are.
>daisy
My 4yo (almost 5) understands that there are different rules in different
places but he is determined to change the rules if they don;t fit his needs.
(or cry trying). That is what is so frustrating! He fights and fights until
we are both blue in the face. After a week or two he gives up the fight and
accepts the rules for what they are. Unfortunately, that is when it is time to
go back to dads house. It is a viscous cycle that needs to be stopped. I am
going to attempt a meeting between all three of us and see if that does any
good. It's worth a try anyway! Thanks everyone:)
>
>
Northrnwmn
Wow Jody...am I impressed with you! Although I get along fairly well with my
husband's ex, I sure wish I had you instead! I have to congratulate you on your
openness and respect for your ex's SO.
I have a slightly different perspective on things being a step-mom myself to an
18-year old SD. My situation was similar in that I was definately the stricter
one in the household. Unfortunately, I don't know how much YOU can actually do
about this other than to support the SO. SHE needs to demand that your ex back
her up completely. It is an issue of respect and he needs to repect that she
also is helping to raise this child and it is also her home that he comes to. I
had to almost pack my bags before my husband figured out how serious an issue
this was. Since then he has done a 180 degree turn, thankfully.
Some ground rules for the SO should include the following:
1)The father needs to consult with her before making decisions that will
directly affect her. (Sometimes I think we must concede to the natural parent,
however)
2)Within reason (and the SO certainly sounds reasonable, judging from your view
of her), the father needs to back her up first and foremost in front of his
child, even if he isn't crazy about her decision.
3)If they don't agree, back up each other (if the decision/discipline was
reasonable) and talk about it behind closed doors after, not in front of the
child.
4)Neither one of them should not allow for your child to ask them for a "yes"or
"no" if he has already received an answer from the other partner. "Shopping
around" until the child gets the answer he wants should always be discouraged.
I hope that this helpful; it certainly made a huge difference with us. My SD
has a whole different (and more positive) view of me since we agreed on these
conditions.
Sandy
janelaw
How about if you BD and SO all sit down with your son and
discuss it. If they live forever away, you could try doing it
by conference call or fax. Actually, maybe you should talk with
the adults first, then gang up on your son. Let him have input
on the rules and the rewards/consequences. Try to get his
agreement to your extended parenting plan.
I figure your son is confused and resentful because he doesn't
know what the rules are. I am sure there is a huge amount of
common ground among you three (or four) adults. If you list all
the obvious stuff like brushing teeth and washing hands before
dinner, and it will give your son the impression that you agree
on a million things. These may seem like petty little issues to
us, but they are rules that your son lives by (and probably
disagrees with).
I figure your ex will agree to lots of things in theory. He
just does not want to enforce them in practice. Once you have
agreed on basic guidelines, you and SO don't have to take all
the heat for enforcing them. Dad agreed; it's right there in
black and white. Of course, you'll still be the ones to say,
"Tommy, that's a swear word, go take a time out" or whatever.
Ladywthafn
>How about if you BD and SO all sit down >with your son and discuss it.
We did that tonight by phone (they live 6 hours away) and it seemed to go
fairly well. The S/O agreed with me on the phone which helped and BD mainly
just listened. I suggested that they might want to get some parenting
counseling or take some classes if available and the S/O was very much for
that. BD on the other hand sounded a little apprehensive but in the end he
agreed.
Meanwhile, my son will not be going to visit his dad this week. I suggested
that BD and S/O take some time to discuss how they can improve on becoming a
team instead of working against eachother. I told them that if over the course
of the week they were able to come to some conclusions then my son could go up
there next week. We'll see what happens!
Thanks again to all of you for your support and suggestions!