Interesting reward system...any comments?
Magickdancer
I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost three years now, and he has a 12-year-old son that is now my stepson. I have never been married before or had children, so this is all new to me. I've also never experienced divorce first-hand, so what I know and understand is from other friends and family (my mother's family divorced when she was young).
My situation is this. My SS (stepson?) has been doing terribly in his schoolwork this year, even though he has proven to be incredibly smart - you know the scenario, does well when he applies himself, blah blah blah. So his mother asked what it would take for him to do his homework, i.e. what reward would he like? He said that he wanted her and his dad, (my husband) to spend time with him by themselves once in a while. For instance, this week SS did fabulously on his math test, and as a reward they all went out to a movie together on Sunday. (Side note - my husband and his ex get along well. No shouting matches or petty sniping, just calm exchanges whenever they talk.)
My feeling is that a "reward" like that only adds to SS hopes and dreams of mom and dad getting back together again, and isn't an emotionally healthy thing to do. I also feel it undermines the family feeling we are trying to create between us. Now to be fair, my husband was clear in saying that they were only there for him, no other reason. And, his feeling is that his son only wants to spend time with his mom and dad by themselves. (Another side note - his ex has no intention of "trying to get him back", so no triangle here).
Am I wrong to think this is a bad thing to do, along with the feelings of feeling left out? Or is it just a unique way to reward a child?
This situation also brings up another point - do you think it's more important for my husband to put his son first and always in his life, or should I now come first in his life? I've heard differing comments on that.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
Vicki Robinson
>My situation is this. My SS (stepson?) has been doing terribly in his
>schoolwork this year, even though he has proven to be incredibly smart -
>you know the scenario, does well when he applies himself, blah blah
>blah. So his mother asked what it would take for him to do his homework,
>i.e. what reward would he like? He said that he wanted her and his dad,
>(my husband) to spend time with him by themselves once in a while. For
>instance, this week SS did fabulously on his math test, and as a reward
>they all went out to a movie together on Sunday. (Side note - my husband
>and his ex get along well. No shouting matches or petty sniping, just
>calm exchanges whenever they talk.)
My ex and I often do things together with our kids, and sometimes my
husband is there, and sometimes his SO is there... That said, I think
that rewarding the SS with time alone with Dad, and time alone with
Mom is fine. A *reward* consisting of Mom and Dad at the same time is
probably not all that great. That's different from a parent-teacher
conference, or a soccer game; it smacks of "You did so well that we're
going to give you a treat by excluding those pesky step-parents."
In short, I think it's a bad idea. But I could get behind one-on-one
time for the boy with *each* parent separately.
>This situation also brings up another point - do you think it's more
>important for my husband to put his son first and always in his life, or
>should I now come first in his life? I've heard differing comments on
>that.
That depends entirely on your marriage philosophy, how this value
system manifests itself and how you all feel about it.
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton
Geri and sometimes Brian
>important for my husband to put his son first and always in his life, or
>should I now come first in his life? I've heard differing comments on that.
Welcome. You will hear differing opinions here, too. IMO, your marriage
should come first. Some other people will disagree. I also think that
"reward" is weird and could indeed reinforce an idea in your SS that his
bioparents could reunite.
~~Geri~~
~Veni, vidi, visa~
I came, I saw, I shopped!
Tracey
>with the feelings of feeling left out? Or is it just
>a unique way to reward a child?
On the whole, I don't think it's a good thing especially
if your SS has dreams of his parents getting back together.
I can think of situations where mother, dad and son getting
together without the stepparents would be a good thing and
I think that situations where mother, father and son getting
together because stepparents are not available are fine, but
to *specifically* exclude stepparents (unless there is a
specific reason why the stepparents are not wanted such as
a big roundtable discussion on the divorce or how the child
feels about the divorce) is not, IMO, a good thing.
>This situation also brings up another point - do you think
>it's more important for my husband to put his son first and
>always in his life, or should I now come first in his life?
>I've heard differing comments on that.
I'm in the 'who and what gets put first is highly flexible'
camp myself. Not everyone is and that's fine. This is something
that I believe is highly individual and not something that
should be decided for you.
Tracey
_calinda_
The ideal to me would be to put marriage first, simply because IMO,
a strong marriage makes a strong family. That said, there are some
f*ck ups, like my ex, who put his new wife first.., but then put
money, status, and possessions ahead of his children. I tend to
bristle when I hear a new spouse say they think they should come
before the children, and it took me a while to figure out why. It's
because I see some that put the children far on the backburner, once
a new relationship starts, and that doesn't make strong families
either. A balance is needed, IMO.
Cal~
OH.. ps.. I think that 'reward' system is totally messed up, and
think it's setting that kid up for a big disappointment.
Wanda
"Magickdancer" <magick...@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:f4af3dc29a2da4e6...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
Well, I think the reward is messed up. The situation is not that his parents
are married any more. And it looks as if he wants it the way it was. I hope
it works out for all of you. I also think it's great that your hubby and his
ex get along well. That makes it easier on everyone.
Wanda
jane
>mother asked what it would take for him to do his homework, i.e. what reward
>would he like? He said that he wanted her and his dad, (my husband) to spend
>time with him by themselves once in a while. For instance, this week SS did
>fabulously on his math test, and as a reward they all went out to a movie
>together on Sunday. (Side note - my husband and his ex get along well. No
>shouting matches or petty sniping, just calm exchanges whenever they talk.)
>
>My feeling is that a "reward" like that only adds to SS hopes and dreams of
>mom and dad getting back together again, and isn't an emotionally healthy
>thing to do.
I disagree. I think it's great that SS can talk about this stuff with his
parents. I am very impressed with the way you all have handled this.
Every kid I've ever known had dreams of her parents getting back together.
They knew intellectually that it was not feasible, but that didn't stop them
from wanting it. And when you think about it, how could he *not* yearn for a
warm, happy home with the two people who love him most? What else could make
him feel as safe and loved and secure?
Maybe nothing. But at least his parents are understanding and willing to
listen and to come up with a plan that gets him as close as possible to that
warm fuzzy within the reality of the situation. Good for them. What better
way to convince the kid that what he really needs is already there, that no
matter how they feel about each other they will always love and care for him?
>I also feel it undermines the family feeling we are trying to
>create between us.
Who's "we," though? You and DH? What exactly is "family feeling"?
The kid will feel most comfortable in an environment in which everyone's needs
are met. That's safe.
Do you need something that you're not getting here? It sounds to me as though
you do. Why don't you try doing what your SS did? Think about what specific
thing would help you satisfy your need. For example, would it make you feel
better if you and DH went out to dinner at night when he had gone to spend the
afternoon with his ex and son? What if you, DH, and SS went out? What about -
my personal favorite - going for a spa pedicure while they're off at the
movies? You know, kick it around and see what clicks.
jane
>From: "Magickdancer" magick...@nospam.yahoo.com
Magickdancer
Wow. You are the first person to say what my husband is saying. I
appreciate that a lot, because my philosophy is to find the right balance.
I've been analyzing why this bothers me so much. There are a few
things: the family feeling you ask about is my description of the new
family that my husband and I have created (we've been married for 2 1/2
years), which fully includes his son, my stepson. I'm already in the "bad"
light because I'm the stepmom, and his birth mom is alive, so it's already
difficult for him to accept this "new" family. So with this "reward", he
doesn't have to face the fact that the previous family unit is gone and
will never come back. Nor was it a healthy one in the first place, because
he was actually conceived because his birth mother wanted someone to
love...she didn't love her husband (now mine), and said so on a regular
basis. In my DH's words, he could have been a generic sperm donor for
this child. With that background, SS grew up with a skewed viewpoint of
how a mother and father interact with each other. One of the main
reasons for the divorce was so the kids could have the chance to
experience a true healthy relationship between partners, if and when one
or both of the parents remarry. The only positive thing about their marriage was that they tried very hard not to take things out on the kids, nor show their anger in front of them.
I guess that I'm also all about being in the present moment. You can't
wish the past back, nor should you worry yourself sick over the future. To not live in the present and enjoy what you have now is to waste
precious moments of living, loving and learning.
We parents are the most important and influential force in our kids lives,
and when we play into fantasies like this (and all for a reward for doing
homework?), I believe we're doing unforseeable damage to them
psychologically, and they don't choose to learn to live in the present. To
me, this is only a short-term band-aid, but with long-term negative
consequences. What's going to happen when he gets to high school or
college? I try not to think about it, because the rewards keep getting bigger and bigger (the X Box was the last one, and another reward in the
works is $200+ for the next good report card).
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded ness. Please don't take any of this
personally...it does feel good to put my thoughts down at least. And
you sound like a person who can look at a situation like this in an
objective way. Thank you!
Wendy
> I've been analyzing why this bothers me so much. There are a few
> things: the family feeling you ask about is my description of the new
> family that my husband and I have created (we've been married for 2 1/2
> years), which fully includes his son, my stepson. I'm already in the "bad"
> light because I'm the stepmom, and his birth mom is alive, so it's already
> difficult for him to accept this "new" family.
This is something that BMs have to face too. I'm with my partner, Barclay,
who moved in with us a year ago, though we've been in a relationship for
five years now. My dreams for the relationship is for it to have family
like qualities. In some ways, those certainly exist. In others, they never
will. The girls love Barclay, but there expectations of things don't match
my own. I guess we will all work at it the best we can and we all have to
accept that it is what it is and stop hoping what we idealise it to be.
So with this "reward", he
> doesn't have to face the fact that the previous family unit is gone and
> will never come back. Nor was it a healthy one in the first place, because
> he was actually conceived because his birth mother wanted someone to
> love...she didn't love her husband (now mine), and said so on a regular
> basis.
But you can't say that it wasn't healthy for him. You can for your DH, but
for his son it's all he's ever known and he felt secure there, regardless of
the method of his conception or his parents relationship in private.
> With that background, SS grew up with a skewed viewpoint of
> how a mother and father interact with each other. One of the main
> reasons for the divorce was so the kids could have the chance to
> experience a true healthy relationship between partners,
I've thought that one too about my partner and I. Don't give that one up,
just because he still has dreams of a happy world in which both his parents
are participants. My daughter has said to me that she wants a relationship
like Barclay and mine someday. The best example you can show him is the way
you and your DH work through these things in a positive and healthy manner.
> I guess that I'm also all about being in the present moment. You can't
> wish the past back, nor should you worry yourself sick over the future. To
not live in the present and enjoy what you have now is to waste
> precious moments of living, loving and learning.
But she's in your and your DH's past, she's not in your SS's past. She's
very much in his present.
> We parents are the most important and influential force in our kids lives,
> and when we play into fantasies like this (and all for a reward for doing
> homework?), I believe we're doing unforseeable damage to them
> psychologically, and they don't choose to learn to live in the present. To
> me, this is only a short-term band-aid, but with long-term negative
> consequences.
But maybe appeasing him on these little things, getting through inch by inch
will help him reassure himself that the security of both his parents being
there is still there?
What's going to happen when he gets to high school or
> college? I try not to think about it, because the rewards keep getting
bigger and bigger (the X Box was the last one, and another reward in the
> works is $200+ for the next good report card).
Okay, those are material rewards, rather than about the relationship between
the parents. Generally, I think that buying effort with rewards isn't the
best way to go about things, but if it keeps him working maybe along the way
he'll develop a real interest and self motivation to learn about something.
> Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded ness. Please don't take any of this
> personally...it does feel good to put my thoughts down at least. And
> you sound like a person who can look at a situation like this in an
> objective way. Thank you!
I'm not Jane, just a huge fan, but that's what this group is really good at.
Getting you to think through things from other perspectives.
Wendy
jane
>and when we play into fantasies like this (and all for a reward for doing
>homework?), I believe we're doing unforseeable damage to them
>psychologically, and they don't choose to learn to live in the present.
This is where you need to focus.
Where did you get this idea? Why do you believe it? What evidence do you have
to substantiate it?
>To
>me, this is only a short-term band-aid, but with long-term negative
>consequences. What's going to happen when he gets to high school or
>college?
Optimally, he'll have built skills in organization, time management, tenacity.
He'll associate academic achievement and work and learning with positive
reward. With encouragement and reinforcement, he'll come to appreciate the
intrinsic value of these things.
That's one way of looking at it. The other way is that we adults work for
money. You're teaching him how to haul his butt to work when it's the last
thing he wants to do because he'll get a paycheck at the end of the week.
>Please don't take any of this personally...
Me? Don't worry about it.
>it does feel good to put my thoughts down at least. And
>you sound like a person who can look at a situation like this in an
>objective way.
Well, sure I can when it's not *my* SS. This stuff comes up one way or another
in most of our lives. Here, the last thing was my DH lending my daughter his
car. We worked it out. She gets to drive his car when both say so. He has
veto power on the car and I have it on the driving.
jane