Help me, I'm being a petty, petty person again!
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
My DH's ex is coming to visit at the end of this month. And she's staying
with my in-laws.
AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Why is this necessary? My brother-in-law is going to be coming up with his
girlfriend and their new daughter and it's all going to be really cozy...my
two brothers-in-law with their wife/girlfriend and child, my in-law's, me, my
DH and...well...his ex and her husband and children. I just can't deal with
this! I don't want to go over there and be a part of this little
get-together, but neither do I want my DH over there with them alone.
I can deal with her being a part of our lives. I go for months on end...even
years on end...being very nice and friendly and even visit sometimes. I just
can't deal with her being a part of my in-laws' lives!
See, the last time I had to go through this was at my oldest brother-in-law's
wedding. My DH and I were engaged at the time and it was the first time I
ever went to a large family event; the first time I met most of these people.
Along comes the ex with her new husband and baby. My father-in-law (who I
adore, don't get me wrong) grabs the baby and walks around with a big grin,
all afternoon, introducing her to everyone as his new granddaughter.
AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I just can't do this again. It was mortifying...I ended up very drunk and
flirting openly with the best man! Half the time *I'm* not welcome at my
in-laws' and she's spending several days with them!
I know I should be grateful that there's a good relationship all around (even
though she and I are always gritting our teeth behind our happy smiles) and
that I'm not going through the horror that some of you are. But I just can't
take this. If we had more room, I'd invite them to stay here. I'm almost
ready to put them up in a hotel. With them staying there, DH and I will get
there in the evening and feel like dinner guests, while they are settled in
like they live there. The ex used to live in my in-laws' home with my DH, so
she'll be more than comfortable making herself at home.
I have always been aware that certain family members prefer her to me. I
hate feeling like "the other woman" in my own family's home!
Why do they have to stay in my in-laws' home and how do I deal with it???
lil (rant, rant, rant, whine, whine, whine)
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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Sian Lee Reid
> Okay, get ready for some pretty petty whining.
>
> My DH's ex is coming to visit at the end of this month. And she's staying
> with my in-laws.
>
> AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
>
> I have always been aware that certain family members prefer her to me. I
> hate feeling like "the other woman" in my own family's home!
>
> Why do they have to stay in my in-laws' home and how do I deal with it???
>
> lil (rant, rant, rant, whine, whine, whine)
>
Oh lil! I feel so badly for you! You might think that it is petty, but I
don't at all! It touches on the really basic issue all of us step-parents
live with day in and day out... knowing that we came second, feeling that
we don't fit, trying to negotiate our place in a web of existing
relationships.
You aren't alone. The last time we went to visit my DH's mother (him, me,
our daughter, nine hour drive away), the ex decided to visit HER mother
(same town) with their mutual kids the same weekend (it was Thanksgiving
weekend, so I shouldn't have been surprised)... Because we were leaving a
day earlier, ex agreed that we could drive my stepdaughter with us, so she
could spend some time with both grandmothers. Ex would come and pick her
up Saturday after lunch.
Now, the whole family was there, my DH's two sisters, their husbands and
children. When ex arrives to pick up her daughter, everybody troops
outside, says hi, catches up on things, tells her how much they miss her,
how good she's looking, etc... Chat and socialize for over an hour.
Meanwhile, I'm left alone inside (because ex doesn't want to see me)
taking care of DH's youngest (our daughter, whom ex also doesn't want to
see), feeling worse and worse and worse about my place in this family
(some of whom still can't pronounce my name!) I told DH that I NEVER EVER
wanted to be put in that position again. Next time we needed to do a
trade off at Grandma's, he could drive both ways, and to hell with the
agreement.
I can't imagine doing it for a whole weekend. I couldn't stand it even
for an hour. I can't say I have a lot of suggestions, but I have oodles
and oodles of sympathy, and don't think you're being petty at all.
Let me know how you make out...
Sian
Tracey
Well, don't expect *me* to agree with your description as
petty. In fact, I basically have to deal with the same thing.
There's nothing like going to your in-laws and seeing a large
picture of the ex on the entertainment center or family portraits
from when they were married still out. And, as I pointed out to
my husband last night, we've been married four years now and
they STILL can't spell my name right. I've seen every variation
of the name 'Tracey' except for this one.
>I have always been aware that certain family members prefer
>her to me. I hate feeling like "the other woman" in my own
>family's home!
It's hard, isn't it? I just keep telling myself that my husband's
family have known her for over 20 years, and of course they are
not just going to drop her just because I'm now married to my
husband. Does it help? Not much, but a little.
Tracey
Boatinlady
>
>with my in-laws.
>
>AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
NO, NO, NO, not petty at all!!!!! I was wondering, as a newbie here, if anyone
else has IL problems as I do. I love my IL's, but.........
My dh has one son, age 11. I have 3 kids, 20, 18 and 16. My ss lives with BM.
Dh pays his cs every week.
My issue??? BM has had 2 more kids, with 2 different fathers. All 3 kids
(including ss) receive rather lavish gifts from my IL's for bday's and
Christmas. My ss has 100% of medical, dental and optical paid either by IL's
or my dh.
My kids receive Bday and Christmas presents from my IL's that aren't close to
what BM's kids receive. IL's do not pay 100% of anything for my kids.
This all seems petty but there is a reason for the way I feel............my ss
is no more bio son to my dh than my kids are........and ss is, in fact, a
product of an affair by BM.
I just wish sometimes I could justify the way my IL's treat my ss and his 2
half-sibs!!!!! I don't understand why they dote all over BM's kids and not
mine. Sometimes I wonder if this influences the way I feel about my ss!!!!!!
Sorry so long.......I've never been able to tell anyone how I really feel about
this.
janelaw
> >
> My DH's ex is coming to visit at the end of this month. And she's staying
> with my in-laws.
>
>
> I can deal with her being a part of our lives. I go for months on end...even
> years on end...being very nice and friendly and even visit sometimes. I just
> can't deal with her being a part of my in-laws' lives!
>
>
> Why do they have to stay in my in-laws' home and how do I deal with it???
>
> lil
>
Your wedding story made me laugh.
I hope the vent made you feel better. You'll do fine, you
know.
I've been through this situation from all different
perspectives. My ex had 16 siblings. Some would not accept me
because of their allegiance to his first wife. Some cut me dead
when I left him. Some insist on bad-mouthing his SO to me. I
went to a wedding where some of the groom's family made it clear
that they wished he were marrying my sister. In-laws can be
assholes.
It is completely within your power to make this visit
tolerable. Force yourself to let go of the "they like her
better" thing. They may, but who cares? Lots of people (e.g.
DH) like you better. Sure, it would be easier to spend the
weekend with those people. Since you are feeling vulnerable,
line up a few friends for moral support. Keep someone on call
at all times. If necessary, ask your best friend to change her
answering machine message to, "You are a wonderful person. You
are a wonderful wife. You are a wonderful mother," so that you
can get a fix whenever you need it.
Point your mind toward your positive feelings for BM. Sure she
can drive you nuts, but you also have sympathy and respect for
her. She deserves a break, too. If you throw yourself into
making this a nice visit for her, it will be easier for you.
Just rise above the stupid things the IL's say and do. Keep in
mind that they had a real relationship with this woman that had
nothing to do you. Things didn't work out, but they probably
want to remember the "glory days" of hope and promise. And keep
in mind that things while this may be the ex's day in the sun,
the IL's have had their bad days with her, too.
Do whatever you can to make this tolerable. Brainstorm with
DH. Explain exactly how you feel. Make sure you have a hair
cut and pedicure before they come. There is no reason why you
or DH have to spend more than a few hours at your IL's. BIL can
visit you at your house too. Can you plan a cookout or dinner
at your house one of the days? It might help to be on your own
turf. Bond up a storm with the IL's ahead of time. If you work
with them preparing for the visit, then maybe you won't feel so
left out while she is here.
You know, if it gets to you, you can run back here and vent
every half hour or so. You can do this.
carol koponen
Jeanette Cameron
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
> Okay, get ready for some pretty petty whining.
>
> My DH's ex is coming to visit at the end of this month. And she's staying
> with my in-laws.
>
> AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
>
> Why is this necessary? My brother-in-law is going to be coming up with his
> girlfriend and their new daughter and it's all going to be really cozy...my
> two brothers-in-law with their wife/girlfriend and child, my in-law's, me, my
> DH and...well...his ex and her husband and children. I just can't deal with
> this! I don't want to go over there and be a part of this little
> get-together, but neither do I want my DH over there with them alone.
>
> I can deal with her being a part of our lives. I go for months on end...even
> years on end...being very nice and friendly and even visit sometimes. I just
> can't deal with her being a part of my in-laws' lives!
>
> See, the last time I had to go through this was at my oldest brother-in-law's
> wedding. My DH and I were engaged at the time and it was the first time I
> ever went to a large family event; the first time I met most of these people.
> Along comes the ex with her new husband and baby. My father-in-law (who I
> adore, don't get me wrong) grabs the baby and walks around with a big grin,
> all afternoon, introducing her to everyone as his new granddaughter.
>
> AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYGGGHHHHH!!!!!
>
> I just can't do this again. It was mortifying...I ended up very drunk and
> flirting openly with the best man! Half the time *I'm* not welcome at my
> in-laws' and she's spending several days with them!
>
> I know I should be grateful that there's a good relationship all around (even
> though she and I are always gritting our teeth behind our happy smiles) and
> that I'm not going through the horror that some of you are. But I just can't
> take this. If we had more room, I'd invite them to stay here. I'm almost
> ready to put them up in a hotel. With them staying there, DH and I will get
> there in the evening and feel like dinner guests, while they are settled in
> like they live there. The ex used to live in my in-laws' home with my DH, so
> she'll be more than comfortable making herself at home.
>
> I have always been aware that certain family members prefer her to me. I
> hate feeling like "the other woman" in my own family's home!
>
> Why do they have to stay in my in-laws' home and how do I deal with it???
>
> lil (rant, rant, rant, whine, whine, whine)
>
> -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
> http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading
I feel for you. I thank God my husband was never married to my SD's mom. They
lived together for several years including living with my mother-in-law. When my
husband and I met and he introduced me to his family and relatives 4 years ago,
they kept telling me that I resembled my SD's mom (I totally disagree) because I
was skinny, had long hair, and wore glasses. Even today I still correct his
family and friends of the family about calling me by my SD's mom's name.
My mother-in-law likes to display pictures of family gatherings and events.
Until this year, she now has a picture of me displayed. Before, she had a
picture of my husband and his girlfriend he was with just before he met me
displayed.
Until this summer, my husband kept a picture of him and my SD's mom together in
his wallet. He has no pictures of us together in his wallet. I still don't
understand the meaning of this.
He has several pictures of SD's mom and him together hidden around the house. I
found 1 picture of her in the nude and another picture of her in lingerie. He
even had old love letters that she had written him. When I questioned him about
these things, he got defensive. He got so bent out of shape about the love
letters that he threw them in my face. I tore them up and threw the pieces in
his face.
My husband is a man that has double standards. If I had old love letters,
pictures (especially nude pictures) of any of my ex-boyfriends or any male, he
would have a fit. I guess he thinks this is ok for him because I don't have any
kids out of wedlock or something.
Good luck with your situation.
lilblakdog
Jeanette Cameron <camer...@osu.edu> wrote in article
<35D9E4D6...@osu.edu>...
> I feel for you. I thank God my husband was never married to my SD's mom.
They
> lived together for several years including living with my mother-in-law.
>
> ...
This sounds almost like a mirror image of my life. Thank God my in-laws
have never call me by her name, though!
DH and his ex were never actually married either. But sometimes I wish
they were...then maybe the in-laws would see some sort of finality to their
relationship. DH and she were "childhood" sweethearts...they started
dating when they were fourteen and fifteen and they were each others'
firsts. First everything...first date, first sexual experience, first
"daughter" brought into the household (DH is one of three boys), first
grandchild, etc. They actually liked her better than DH (who's actually
always been considered the family screw-up) and treated him much better so
long as he was with her...which was why the relationship went on as long as
it did. He used to tell me that by marrying her they wouldn't have been
loosing a daughter, they'd be gaining a son!
BTW, she and DH nearly made it to the altar...one week before the wedding
DH realized he would be making the biggest mistake of his life by marrying
her and cancelled the wedding. Which, of course, leaves her completely
without fault (which is true to a point, although DH would have probably
married her if she weren't a miserable, paranoid, nit-picking b**** to him
all the time!).
They never displayed photos of the ex (although they have several of my
stepson's half-sister), but I do come across several zillion of them while
looking through family albums.
Strangely enough, DH doesn't have any photos of him and his ex. I was
actually looking for some to fill a collage (sp?) frame for my stepson...I
thought that he should be able have the photos from their grads, etc. He
does have a "Glamour Shot" of the girlfriend he was with right before
me...he keeps it in his briefcase. I'll never understand that one, but
he's been with me for five years without giving her a second thought (that
I know of) and since she lives several hours away and we don't have a car I
know he's not in any danger of cheating on me! However, he was only with
her very briefly--through no fault of his own--and I'm sure he views her as
one of those "could have been" things. As far as I know, he still has a
couple of love letters from her, too.
I know what you mean about the whole double standard thing. For several
years before DH and I got together, I dated a musician who's fairly famous
here in Canada. He's kind of a sore spot between DH and I...I think he's
kind of insecure, thinking that he doesn't measure up or something.
Sometimes to annoy me, DH will call me by one of his ex-girlfriends' names.
But if I even mention this guy's name, DH flies off the handle. DH
doesn't like me keeping in touch with him (even though it's fine for him to
talk to his ex-girlfriends because they're "only friends"...like I'm
continuing an affair with a guy who lives 3000 miles away during the four
or five days a year that he's not touring the world with his band!) or
going to see his band when they play in town (even though I was a fan of
his music long before I ever met him). If one of his songs comes on the
radio, DH quickly changes the station and if he comes home to find that
I've been playing one of his CDs, he's in a miserable mood for the rest of
the day. I have to be very careful when I look at his web site to see
what's going on, because DH can see the large pictures of him from his seat
on the couch.
I hate the pussy-footing around...I made a commitment to DH and, whereas it
included being faithful to him, it did not include having only female
friends. I grew up with three brothers...women have always made me feel
tremendously uncomfortable and I've always had more men friends. DH just
doesn't understand why I want or think I need them! He, on the other hand,
has always been more comfortable in the company of women. His two best
friends (his ex and another old love interest) are both women and I'm
perfectly fine with his relationship with them. In fact, I encourage it.
I love the fact that he can talk to the other woman (not his ex...I'm not
quite so liberated as all that) about things that he doesn't feel he can
talk to me about. She's a great person and I was the one who suggested to
DH that she stand up with him at our wedding...I even made her dress!
Okay...I guess I've rambled enough. Just wanted you to know that you're
not alone!
lil
Jeanette Cameron
I too had more male friends than female friends since I was in grade
school.
My best friend was a guy. I've always gotten along better with males
than females.
The guy that I was seeing at the time I met my husband doesn't live too
far
from us. He doesn't like my husband (because I wanted to be with my
husband more than with him). My twin sister told my husband that
overtime she
sees my ex he asks about me. My husband made it clear to her that she
was not
to inform him where we live, what our phone # is, and that he is not to
come
near me.
On the other hand, the girl my husband was seeing just before I met him
can have our phone #, call after 11:00 pm, and is invited to our home.
He even goes over to her house (she won't allow me to come to her home;
he has to go without me), and he brags to her the next time he comes to
her house, he is going to call me.
What's even weirder is that he slept with his female best friend (years
before he met me) and she calls and comes over and he calls her and goes
over to her house. I don't believe in sleeping with someone I consider
a friend.
I know my husband loves me and I am not the jealous or insecure type,
but sometimes I just have to wonder.
Andrew&Posey
*HATED* the mother of my 2 FSDs. They still do, and I must admit again that
I'm lucky that they adore me... plus, I know that my DF also adores me.
Heck, he asked me to marry him, right?
It's hard not to be smug about this, but it sure gives me comfort on those
awful nights!
We step-moms have to take what we can get.
Posey
lilblakdog
Jeanette Cameron <camer...@osu.edu> wrote in article
<35DAD8F2...@osu.edu>...
> What's even weirder is that he slept with his female best friend (years
> before he met me) and she calls and comes over and he calls her and goes
> over to her house. I don't believe in sleeping with someone I consider
> a friend.
This is probably way more common than you think. Remember the woman I'd
said stood up with DH at the wedding? Well they were actually friends from
the start...for a long time, actually. One night they thought it would be
interesting to see if there was anything romantic there and they slept
together (years and years before he met me). They were both tremendously
disappointed with each other and decided to stick to being friends!
lil
MsJetson
ALWAYS the first to know of any family get-togethers, etc....and it makes me
VERY angry. This year's family reunion we found out about from her...my DH's
family sent HER an invitation and didn't even TELL us about it!! Needless to
say, I refused to go. To hell with them.
What is WITH people?!?!?
peg boucher murphy
>petty. In fact, I basically have to deal with the same thing.
<sigh>
>>I have always been aware that certain family members prefer
>>her to me. I hate feeling like "the other woman" in my own
>>family's home!
>
>It's hard, isn't it? I just keep telling myself that my husband's
>family have known her for over 20 years, and of course they are
>not just going to drop her just because I'm now married to my
>husband. Does it help? Not much, but a little.
tracey, i was really feeling bad about this thread and i was glad to see the
disclaimer at the end of your post.
i'm one of those evil bio moms who has a good and solid relationship with my
ex's family.
when i married him, i was also his first serious gf. he was the only boy, the
baby, and the only one left at home when his parents got divorced. he and his
mother were more than a little close. <wry grin>
anyway, she and i were like oil and water at first, in a big way. but we both
worked on the relationship, and to both of our surprise, became family *and*
good friends after some very tense years. i also lived in her house, took care
of her mother when her mother had alzheimers, became close to her only brother
and his wife, and esptablished a friendly (albeit a tad more distant) relationship
with my ex's only sisiter.
when my marriage exploded, we were all placed in the position of losing family
and friends. we all chose not to. i would never have pushed this, but the
relationships were important to *all* of us. not to mentin our kids.
when my ex-mil remarried, i was a maid of honor next to her daughter and her new
husband's daughter.
when i remarried, my ex's mother and her husband, and aunt and uncle came to my
wedding. they also went to my ex's wedding, of course, and they welcomed both
my sweetie and his into the family.
i am still very close with my ex-mil. we talk on the phone nearly once a month,
email more frequently, and visit (long distances) at least once or twice a year.
hell, she was more of a mother to me than my own mother for a long time, and we
were family for over 10 years.
it really bothers me that my relationship with her -- which was always something
independent, and , dammit, hardfought -- is something that would be so threatening
to my ex's wife. <sigh> their child is my kids' sibling -- at an impromptu
family event due to illness, i took care of their toddler for several hours while
my ex played with and comforted the kids he had with me. while my family and he
are not especially close, they are always polite, and have regular contact with
him.
he (my ex) has made it very clear that he thinks his mother is a traitor. <sigh>
he's accused me of blackmailing her into this connection ("you can't see my kids
unless you see me"), something she found ludicrous.
this doesn't excuse rudeness by in-laws to new spouses -- quite the opposite.
and several people here have recorded real rudentess. but it think it rather
selfish to demand that other people tailor their relationships to yours. <shrug>
i hope that other steps here can step back for a minute and try to see this from
the point of view of those of us with long, loving relationships with our ex's
families. (it is also a lot nicer for the kids, imho.) it is not always a
personal attack, nor a sign or preference, or underminig. it is just what is.
you married someone with a past.
so did my sweetie, who inherited my family and my ex's family, as well as 3 kids.
peg
-the other side of the equation...
lilblakdog
peg boucher murphy <pm...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in article
<Ey06z...@midway.uchicago.edu>...
> i hope that other steps here can step back for a minute and try to see
this from
> the point of view of those of us with long, loving relationships with our
ex's
> families. (it is also a lot nicer for the kids, imho.) it is not always
a
> personal attack, nor a sign or preference, or underminig. it is just
what is.
> you married someone with a past.
I don't know if this you're saying that my original post was being
unnecessarily hard on my DH's ex or not. If so, I don't think you read my
post properly. I have a good relationship with my stepson's biomom. I
need to...it makes our family run more smoothly. She is not who I would
choose for a friend, but I can certainly live with maintaining a friendly
relationship with her for my stepson's sake.
I can also live with her being invited to family weddings and things like
that. It's not my business; it's not my wedding (that being said, I do
feel that my FIL's actions were a little badly timed). She was not invited
to my own wedding through mutual decision by my DH and myself and we were
not invited to hers for the same reason. When you're starting a new
beginning, it's not necessary to pack along the old baggage. However, her
relationship with my DH's family is not really my business.
That being said, my post was mostly asking for help in how to deal with my
own feelings, which are--whether you feel they are fair or not--quite
valid. If I was going to visit with my ex-husband's family for a weekend,
I would book myself into a hotel in their area and spend the day at the
house. I would not expect his new wife to be comfortable with my moving
into his family's house. She is the type of person I could call and say,
"You know, L, I'm just not really comfortable with your staying at the
house. Do you think that you and I might split on a hotel for you and your
family in their neighborhood?" And I'd bet my life that she'd be more than
happy to do that. My MIL, on the other hand, would get wind of the
situation somehow and I'd be in hell for stepping in. So I was looking for
help in dealing with my own discomfort...not implying that biomom shouldn't
have a relationship with DH's family, who she's been closely involved with
since she was 14.
lil
lilblakdog
> but it think it rather
> selfish to demand that other people tailor their relationships to yours.
<shrug>
>
> ...
>
> you married someone with a past.
After I posted my response to this, I regretted not making my feelings on
this a little more clear.
You see, Peg, I agree with you on this one, but only to a point. I took
two weeks to answer my husband's marriage proposal because of his past...I
had to be sure that I was strong enough to sustain a good relationship with
his ex and their child. If I decided that I could not perpetuate the good
relationship that my husband and his family already had with the ex, I
would not have accepted his proposal.
However, I would like to add that the "past" does need to remember that it
*is* a past and his/her place in the scheme of things has changed, however
slightly. He/she is technically no longer a member of the family and
should not expect to be considered such. It's wonderful if they can
maintain a friendly relationship, but not all family members will
necessarily see it that way--the new spouse in particular. No matter how
open minded a person is (since I pride myself on being extremely open
minded), there is bound to be at least a hint of uneasiness.
By your post, you sound like your feelings were that the new spouse should
just accept that you have the position in the family you always had and she
and your ex should accept it or stay away. Whereas I'm sure your ex's
attitude is more that if he wanted to see you all the time and spend all
his family events with you, he'd have just stayed married to you. I don't
intend for that to sound mean, just giving you a better idea of his point
of view.
Now I'm not suggesting that I think my in-laws do not have the right to
invite her to stay as a friend (although she has--in the past--taken extra
liberties and DH has had to gently remind her that some things are simply
no longer her business). I will admit that I would have preferred that she
*did* consider my feelings and place in the family a little more before
accepting the offer to stay with my in-laws (since she's well aware of the
relationship I have with some of them), but that's neither here nor
there...it's not really my business, as I said before, and she certainly
had no malicious intent in accepting their invitation. In fact, for all I
know she's sitting at home worrying to her husband about feeling
uncomfortable with all of her "ex" family around and having to stay at the
house. I wouldn't find it surprising, actually...I can't imagine that
bringing a new husband and family into the home you shared with your ex and
his family can be overly comfortable for them either!
I simply don't think I can be faulted for wanting to explain my feelings to
her afterward, so that measures could be taken in the future to make these
visits more comfortable for everyone.
lil
Jeanette Cameron
lilblakdog wrote:
It's great that you have a good relationship with your SS's mom. I wish me and
my SD's mom (and SD's mom and my husband) could get along.
I agree that what is in the past should remain in the past. By my SD's mom's
actions and comments, I and others get the impression that she still has
feelings for my husband. I have a good friend that I went to school with whose
mother is a counselor. My friend's mother thinks my SD's mom is hurting by the
fact that she had my husband's child yet he never married her and all the evil
and immature things she is doing to us is some sort of punishment. Even my
SD's stepdad has been seeing this. He has on more than 1 occasion stated to us
and my MIL that his wife is not over her relationship with my husband and she
is still hurting. I personally think that if he is seeing or hearing this, he
should get her some counseling so that these feelings will not interfere with
their marriage and relationship.
Even though my husband and SD's mom were together for several years, his family
don't like her, but they nor I would have any problem with her coming to family
events because of my SD. Since they were never married, my SD's mom is not
viewed as part of the family however they are civil to her. His family and
friends of the family only have negative things to say about her
(materialistic, controlling, evil, liar, jealous, and has mental problems - she
even ran into his car and there was a witness). Based on all the nonsense
we've had to deal with because of her, I agree with some of the comments. I
also keep hearing from family and friends of the family that while they were
together all my SD's mom kept talking about was my husband marrying her.
Even though I am still being called by her name and my MIL has after 4 years
decided to have my picture displayed amongst the family pictures, I don't feel
I need to compete for his family's affections. They are beyond happy that my
husband didn't marry my SD's mom (but extremely sad that he didn't get out of
that relationship sooner). Believe it or not, they feel that I am the best
woman he ever had (meeting some of his ex-girlfriends I can see why) so I
consider myself better than the rest.
peg boucher murphy
lilblakdog <lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
>
>peg boucher murphy <pm...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in article
><Ey06z...@midway.uchicago.edu>...
>>this from
>> the point of view of those of us with long, loving relationships with our
>>ex's
>> families. (it is also a lot nicer for the kids, imho.) it is not always
>> a personal attack, nor a sign or preference, or underminig. it is just
>>what is.
>
>unnecessarily hard on my DH's ex or not.
no, and i specifically didn't respond directly to you. <sigh> i think
that this is a tough and touchy area all around, and i don't think that
any of us are experiencing invalid feelings. i just read some of the posts
on this topic about traitorous inlaws, and evil ex-wives clinging to
people who "aren't family any more" and cringe.
it is possible that my ex's wife feels this way about me, and that would
make me very sad. i would hope that she would work to have a relationship
with her husband's mother and be successful, too.
>I can also live with her being invited to family weddings and things like
>that.
this is something that i tend to get concerned about -- how much of this
is an issue for the wives of our ex's?
>It's not my business; it's not my wedding (that being said, I do
>feel that my FIL's actions were a little badly timed).
and i would agree with that.
>She was not invited
>to my own wedding through mutual decision by my DH and myself and we were
>not invited to hers for the same reason.
absolutely! how many people invite their ex's to their weddings? i know
it happens, but it is pretty rare, no?
>That being said, my post was mostly asking for help in how to deal with my
>own feelings, which are--whether you feel they are fair or not--quite
>valid. If I was going to visit with my ex-husband's family for a weekend,
>I would book myself into a hotel in their area and spend the day at the
>house.
what if you were invited? were we to stay at a hotel, my ex-mil would be
gravely offended and worried that either there were problems in our
relationship or that there were problems with her hospitality (cleanliness
or something). we stay with her. when she visits here, she sometimes
stays with us and has an open invitation.
>I would not expect his new wife to be comfortable with my moving
>into his family's house. She is the type of person I could call and say,
>"You know, L, I'm just not really comfortable with your staying at the
>house. Do you think that you and I might split on a hotel for you and your
>family in their neighborhood?" And I'd bet my life that she'd be more than
>happy to do that. My MIL, on the other hand, would get wind of the
>situation somehow and I'd be in hell for stepping in. So I was looking for
>help in dealing with my own discomfort...not implying that biomom shouldn't
>have a relationship with DH's family, who she's been closely involved with
>since she was 14.
maybe this is again a geographical thing. my ex (en famille) lives in
new england. his family lives in the southeast. we live in the midwest
and are about to move to the west. we aren't talking about frequent
visits, but distance travelling for longer visits on short budgets...
and my ex is not someone especially interested in family stuff. never
was -- it was always something between his mother and i.
so far, there have been no problems with interferences over holidays since
the kids alternate holidays between bio parents and "big family holidays"
don't even happen every other year -- they rotate. other than weddings
or funerals, we just don't go to family events that the ex's family will
be at, although we send the kids (and unlike him, we get them there on
time for major family events -- grrrrr).
i think this is hard for all involved. i was not being directly critical
of anyone, and i was not responding directly to you. i just find the demands
that ex's cut people that they love out of their lives and criticisms of
those relationships *just for existing* (which i heard from other posters)
because of the end of a marriage to be rather unfeeling, at best. <sigh>
very sensitive area, this.
peg
peg boucher murphy
lilblakdog <lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
>peg boucher murphy <pm...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in article
><Ey06z...@midway.uchicago.edu>...
>> selfish to demand that other people tailor their relationships to yours.
><shrug>
>> ...
>
>two weeks to answer my husband's marriage proposal because of his past...I
>had to be sure that I was strong enough to sustain a good relationship with
>his ex and their child. If I decided that I could not perpetuate the good
>relationship that my husband and his family already had with the ex, I
>would not have accepted his proposal.
as it should be for all people marrying someone "with a past".
>However, I would like to add that the "past" does need to remember that it
>*is* a past and his/her place in the scheme of things has changed, however
>slightly. He/she is technically no longer a member of the family and
>should not expect to be considered such.
not everyone has the same definitions of family that you do. in both
my family of origin and my ex's, once you are in the family and become
family (slightly different -- the first being the technical, the second
being the effort put into the relationships) you are in for life.
i recently attended a family reunion in my family of origin and several
family member's ex's were there, and not just because there were young
kids. there is a difference in tone, maybe, but as more time goes on,
that becomes less and less important -- family *is*. i have seen this
be difficult for people marrying in as second (or more) spouses, but
usually over time, and with previous partners being respectful of space
without just going away, it eases up. in more than one instance, with
enough time past, an out of town family member has stayed with a still
local ex (even if both have families/partners). the stresses between
siblings who stopped speaking and parent/child rifts are *far* worse in
our family! but those eventually pass, too.
>It's wonderful if they can
>maintain a friendly relationship, but not all family members will
>necessarily see it that way--the new spouse in particular. No matter how
>open minded a person is (since I pride myself on being extremely open
>minded), there is bound to be at least a hint of uneasiness.
no question. like i said above, time and space. but not severence and
forgetting...
>By your post, you sound like your feelings were that the new spouse should
>just accept that you have the position in the family you always had and she
>and your ex should accept it or stay away.
well, it is an interesting interpretation -- i guess i'll have to ask for
a quote on where you get that. i expect that the relationships i have with
family members should be respected, even though positions have changed --
a very different thing. and nowhere did i say that i don't/won't compromise,
that my relationship with my ex-mil is more important than hers, just that
it is still valid and important.
in fact, i do *not* intrude when my ex and his family are staying with my
ex-mil, but i still visit there when invited (we have never all been invited
at once -- seems that we are all sensitive to each other's feelings).
other than weddings and funerals, there generally aren't big family
gatherings other than some holidays (which i talk about elsewhere), but
when we visit we do try to see all the family who live in the area.
>Whereas I'm sure your ex's
>attitude is more that if he wanted to see you all the time and spend all
>his family events with you, he'd have just stayed married to you.
nice assumptions, but wrong. now you're projecting. any reason why you're
suddenly being so personal, lil? i wasn't that way to you.
re my ex: he doesn't attend family events, in general, regardless of whether
i was invited or have any chance of attending. he's never been fond of
big family to-dos. <shrug> he just doesn't want me to be with his family
-- he's made it clear that he'd rather we all "just be civil" and sever and
forget the previously established relationships.
>I don't
>intend for that to sound mean, just giving you a better idea of his point
>of view.
um, i don't think so. i think this is *your* point of view. read what i
wrote above and try again. (again, why so personal? you're really way
off base here about *my* situation.)
>Now I'm not suggesting that I think my in-laws do not have the right to
>invite her to stay as a friend
...which is exactly what my ex has suggested, and what other posters here
have suggested, and what i was taking issue with...
>I will admit that I would have preferred that she
>*did* consider my feelings and place in the family a little more before
>accepting the offer to stay with my in-laws (since she's well aware of the
>relationship I have with some of them), but that's neither here nor
>there...it's not really my business, as I said before, and she certainly
>had no malicious intent in accepting their invitation. In fact, for all I
>know she's sitting at home worrying to her husband about feeling
>uncomfortable with all of her "ex" family around and having to stay at the
>house. I wouldn't find it surprising, actually...
me either. i know i've worried about it. i've never stayed there when
my ex and/or his wife&kids are also visiting. that would definitely not
feel right. but i might stay with another relative, were i invited...
another thought...
what about financial stuff? if we had no place to stay when we visited,
we would visit far less -- we just can't afford to fly across country
and then put 5 of us up in a hotel for a week. plus, my ex-mil lives
someplace where there really aren't any conveniently nearby hotels, so
after such a long absence, we'd spend a big chunk of our precious time
together with more travelling.
>I simply don't think I can be faulted for wanting to explain my feelings to
>her afterward, so that measures could be taken in the future to make these
>visits more comfortable for everyone.
i'm not sure why you think i found fault with you. you seem rather angry
at me for expressing what it feels like on the other side, but i didn't
see that you did anything wrong. i didn't respond directly to you. had
there only been your post -- and even some of the responses -- i would
not have said anything at all. but some of the followups were hostile
and unchallenged and that made me speak up. as i keep saying, i think
that this is yet another area of step-families that is difficult all around.
uncharted territory and all that.
(i know my ex-mil finds it difficult. i know i do, as does b. i know my
ex finds it difficult, and i assume that his wife does, too. but loving
relationships are hard enough to find in this world that i shouldn't have
to lose some because my ex and his wife are uncomfortable.)
peg
-trying very hard *not* to take this as a personal attack, especially the
very off projections about my "demands" and feelings and what my ex feels
towards me...
janelaw
>
>
> snip
>
> However, I would like to add that the "past" does need to remember that it
> *is* a past and his/her place in the scheme of things has changed, however
> slightly. He/she is technically no longer a member of the family and
> maintain a friendly relationship, but not all family members will
> necessarily see it that way--the new spouse in particular. No matter how
> open minded a person is (since I pride myself on being extremely open
> minded), there is bound to be at least a hint of uneasiness.
Right, but there is always some uneasiness. New spouses often
would like to magically erase the ex from the face of the
earth. Many of us wish that the first marriage had never
happened. In the beginning, there is a tendency for the new
mate to want to blame all the problems of that earlier marriage
on the ex. Once you live with your mate for a while, I think
you get a little more insight into what drove the ex nuts in the
first place.
>
> By your post, you sound like your feelings were that the new spouse should
> just accept that you have the position in the family you always had and she
> and your ex should accept it or stay away.
This wasn't the impression I got, Lil. She still has a position
in the family, but it has changed, at least in relation to one
member. It's unfortunate if the new spouse feels uncomfortable
about established relationships. OTOH, it would be incredibly
arrogant of her to think that a long, rewarding friendship would
end simply because she didn't like it.
These two women love and miss each other! Some days, Peg's
exMIL just wants to look into the face that fought, worked,
suffered and baked with her. Sometimes she sees something that
she just has to share with Peg. Maybe a picture reminds her of
one of the kids growing up. Some days a woman in a supermarket
says something just the way Peg would, and she realizes that she
really needs to hear Peg's insight, wisdom and wit.
Whereas I'm sure your ex's
> attitude is more that if he wanted to see you all the time and spend all
> his family events with you, he'd have just stayed married to you. I don't
> intend for that to sound mean, just giving you a better idea of his point
> of view.
>
Half of me thinks that Peg's ex is acting like a spoiled brat.
The other half thinks that his new spouse is deliberately making
this difficult for him. Losing people you love is terribly
painful, and there is plenty of it in divorce. People make it a
lot worse by encouraging their friends and family to "choose"
between them.
I have little tolerance for selfish people who make situations
difficult for others by saying, "I won't come if (s)he comes."
How juvenile! To me, the correct response is always, "I'm
sorry. We'll miss you." Adults need to have limits set too,
you know. I have never been to a family function (mine or
anyone else's) where there was not some tension. What makes
anyone think that they should be exempt? You just deal with it.
The exMIL can't knuckle under to her son and his wife's
attempted tyranny for two reasons. First, Peg became her
daughter over the years. She can't cut Peg off just because Peg
and her son don't get along anymore. She owes her support to
Peg as much as she does to her bioson. Second, Peg became her
friend. They worked hard to hammer out a relationship and were
rewarded with one that nurtures them both. She owes this
friendship to herself, whether her son likes it or not.
[Peg, excuse me if I am reading too much or too little into your
relationship. I've got the bit between my teeth.]
> Now I'm not suggesting that I think my in-laws do not have the right to
> invite her to stay as a friend....<snip> ...and she certainly
> had no malicious intent in accepting their invitation. <snip>
Lil, I think you, and some of the other posters, are victims of
the converse of the "choose me" problem. It is clear to me*
that your MIL decided that she would accept no replacement of
her son's ex. If he had walked in with Pamela Anderson, she
would have been too slutty. Princess Di would have been too
snotty. Mother Teresa would have been too old. You could have
walked into that house on water, and you wouldn't have been good
enough. The problem is not that she loves the ex. The problem
is that she has never given you a chance.
*I have to admit that it surprises even me that I am so
confident that I know what is motivating people who live
thousands of miles away, and whom I have never met.
>
> I simply don't think I can be faulted for wanting to explain my feelings to
> her afterward, so that measures could be taken in the future to make these
> visits more comfortable for everyone.
>
> lil
This sounds like a reasonable plan to me. See how this one
goes. You may find you don't care half as much as you thought
you would. She may tell you that staying in the same house with
her kids and their GPs was more rewarding than anyone expected,
and that she can't wait to do it again. Maybe they will drive
each other nuts and decide on their own that a little more
distance would be in order. Hell, maybe you'll decide to let
them stay in your house.
BTW, regarding your earlier post: don't inhale. You'll be
really embarrassed if anyone sees you standing out on the patio
coughing your guts out.
lilblakdog
peg boucher murphy <pm...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in article
<Ey2wC...@midway.uchicago.edu>...
> not everyone has the same definitions of family that you do.
This is not true. I said "technically"...when a divorce becomes final, you
are no longer technically a member of that family. That's fact; it's not
my own interpretation. I never said that they wouldn't still be accepted
as such, just that they shouldn't expect that every family member will see
them that way.
My younger brother-in-law was married to a wonderful woman who the family
cut loose from the day he walked out on her. She's still my very good
friend and "sister" and I adore her new husband and my new baby neice. She
was a very good friend before the divorce and it was ridiculous of DH's
family to think that I would end that, just because my BIL decided he
wanted something else (although my in-laws certainly did everything in
their power to make that happen). I attended her wedding and, while
initially uncomfortable about being considered baggage by the groom's
family and friends, had a wonderful time. However, there's nothing that
ties us together as family but our genuine love and friendship for each
other. That's what I was saying...not that I couldn't appreciate the
relationship that you have with your ex's family.
> >By your post, you sound like your feelings were that the new spouse
should
> >just accept that you have the position in the family you always had and
she
> >and your ex should accept it or stay away.
>
> well, it is an interesting interpretation -- i guess i'll have to ask for
> a quote on where you get that.
Well, I actually already offered you a quote, but here it is again:
"but it think it rather selfish to demand that other people tailor their
relationships to yours. <shrug>"
I'm sorry if I read this wrong, but it sounded to me like you thought you
ex and his new wife(s) are being unreasonable for thinking that you'd alter
you're relationship just for them.
> >Whereas I'm sure your ex's
> >attitude is more that if he wanted to see you all the time and spend all
> >his family events with you, he'd have just stayed married to you.
>
> nice assumptions, but wrong. now you're projecting. any reason why
you're
> suddenly being so personal, lil? i wasn't that way to you.
For heaven sake, I wasn't being personal...I was using what you said was
your own situation to offer you a look at why your relationship with the
in-laws might be resented. And I based that on the following quote:
"he (my ex) has made it very clear that he thinks his mother is a traitor.
<sigh>
he's accused me of blackmailing her into this connection ("you can't see my
kids
unless you see me"), something she found ludicrous."
I agree with janelaw on this one...I *do* think your ex is a spoiled brat
if this is his attitude (which you just said it was). However, you can't
argue someone else's feelings and I guess it's left up to his mother to set
him straight.
> (again, why so personal? you're really way
> off base here about *my* situation.)
Again, I'm not being personal. You expressed the point of view of the
first wife. I agreed with you and added the point of view of the second
wife. They contradicted slightly. I was working off direct quotes of
yours, as you see above. They were not meant to be an attack, they were
meant to help you understand the flip side of things because--again--your
post implied that you didn't. If I understood your post wrong, then I'm
sorry but I never intended this to sound like an attack on you personally.
> >Now I'm not suggesting that I think my in-laws do not have the right to
> >invite her to stay as a friend
>
> ...which is exactly what my ex has suggested, and what other posters here
> have suggested, and what i was taking issue with...
Now see, I'm getting a mixed impression here. You just went out of your
way to convince me that I had the wrong impression of your ex and now
you're saying that what I'd originally tried to say was right. You'll
forgive me for being tremendously confused...I think it's time I step out
of this exchange because I'm obviously just not getting it.
> another thought...
> what about financial stuff? if we had no place to stay when we visited,
> we would visit far less -- we just can't afford to fly across country
> and then put 5 of us up in a hotel for a week. plus, my ex-mil lives
> someplace where there really aren't any conveniently nearby hotels, so
> after such a long absence, we'd spend a big chunk of our precious time
> together with more travelling.
This is very true. Now in our case, we're only talking about a couple of
nights and my in-laws live far enough out of town that there are lots of
nice hotels for between $40 - $50 per night, Canadian. I don't think the
financial aspect would have been a problem, but if it was I'm pretty sure
that--if she thought to turn down my in-laws' offer (and she's not as close
to my MIL as you obviously are to yours...my MIL wouldn't be hurt at all if
she'd turned down her offer)--she wouldn't hesitate to ask DH and I if we
could contribute a bit so that they wouldn't have to stay at the house with
everyone else there. Or even if we could keep both kids here (since we do
have a bedroom for my stepson and there's no reason his little sister
couldn't share it) and they could at least consider it a mini second
honeymoon.
> you seem rather angry
> at me for expressing what it feels like on the other side, but i didn't
> see that you did anything wrong. i didn't respond directly to you. had
> there only been your post -- and even some of the responses -- i would
> not have said anything at all. but some of the followups were hostile
> and unchallenged and that made me speak up. as i keep saying, i think
> that this is yet another area of step-families that is difficult all
around.
> uncharted territory and all that.
I wasn't angry at you at all and, again, I'm sorry if I gave that
impression. I wasn't even sure that you're original post was directed at
me--in fact, I was fairly sure that it wasn't. My original response to you
was to say that I understood *your* position too and didn't want you
thinking that I couldn't be sympathetic to DH's ex. But then I started
thinking about you saying that you felt it was selfish of someone who
expected you to tailor your relationship--with their family--to their
specifications and I wasn't sure I agreed with that completely. I thought
that a little more consideration should be given to those who might have a
problem with it and you have now clarified that you agree.
So it would seem that we're pretty much in complete agreement.
So now what do we fight about? :-)
lil
lilblakdog
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
<35DEE31D...@excite.com>...
> BTW, regarding your earlier post: don't inhale. You'll be
> really embarrassed if anyone sees you standing out on the patio
> coughing your guts out.
ROTFL!!!
I've been thinking about that, actually! I purchase the cigarettes
yesterday (I generally smoke an American brand that's hard to get in Canada
and we were down in Washington state yesterday for the Loretta Lynn
concert) and I'm all set...although DH still doesn't understand why I think
I need them!
I hope you'll read my response to Peg's post. I didn't mean to sound
unsympathetic to Peg *or* sympathetic to her husband...I agree that he
sounds like a bit of a jerk. I think I got to sounding nastier than I
intended (or felt...just the way I talk, I guess), so my repsonse to both
of you is sort of wrapped up in the one.
lil