Feeling challenged
Red
living together for two years. He has a 12 year old son - we get him every
other weekend and in the summer. For the most part SS and I get along
famously. But recently I have noticed a trend that is really starting to get
under my nerves and bother me.
He's become more and more challenging...god, it's so hard to describe. Ok,
how about an example? Yesterday we were futzing around in the kitchen,
making breakfast. I got some coffee cups out of the cupboard and shut it.
Next thing I know, SS asks me to turn around and then he very
condescendingly says, "THIS is how you close a cupboard." and shuts it
gently. I just said something like, "oh please." And then he tells me that I
slammed the cupboard.
Now, this behavior from my husband would be one thing, but I can't stand
being corrected in this way by a 12 year old kid. I'm sorry, but I'm an
adult, this is my house, and I will shut the cupboards whatever damn way I
please!
He also made comments, like when I took my second piece of bacon, that I
should "leave some for the rest of us." Grrrr. So now he's policing my bacon
consumption? Heh. Please.
I realize that these little tidbits in and of themselves probably don't seem
like much. But it is constant, or at least if feels nearly constant. And my
husband witnessed at least some of these things and didn't notice or react.
I don't know how to combat this issue. I end up talking myself in circles
because on the one hand I think it could be so much worse. For the most
part, the kid is a bright, good kid. But he often does these little annoying
things that, to me, seem like ways of saying, "you're not in charge at all
here, and I can tell you what to do and/or correct you." I've tried
describing this to my husband, but I don't know if I'm communicating it that
well. I am planning on talking about it again with him soon, and hopefully I
will be able to get across that it is a respect thing. My SS would never
make those kinds of needling comments to his father. I don't see why it is
acceptable to do so to me.
I guess I know I need to talk to my husband, but I'm not really sure what to
say. I'm sick of telling myself that I'm over reacting or being
hyper-sensitive. I'm sick of blaming myself for feeling picked at and
defensive. I don't think it is just my problem. But I don't really know what
my husband can do with such...subtle challenges. Does any of this make
sense, and has anyone experienced this kind of thing before? Thoughts?
Thanks,
Cheryl
rebecca
"Red" <lafo...@pilot.msu.edu> wrote in message
news:brl3nt$mso$1...@msunews.cl.msu.edu...
> Hello group. I recently got married to my boyfriend of four years. We'd
been
> living together for two years. He has a 12 year old son - we get him every
> other weekend and in the summer. For the most part SS and I get along
> famously. But recently I have noticed a trend that is really starting to
get
> under my nerves and bother me.
>
> He's become more and more challenging...god, it's so hard to describe.
Hi Cheryl,
I have an almost 8YO SS, and I think I know what you mean. My flip answer
to you is that he says these things because he knows it bugs you, and your
DH is ignoring it because it just rolls off his back. How much talking
about change did you guys do before the wedding? Because even though you've
been together as a family for a while, it's pretty likely that the wedding
has had some impact on the SS. You aren't just a playmate anymore, if you
know what I mean. Maybe he's resisting that idea a little.
That being said, a certain mouthiness comes from being a kid, and if you get
too wrapped up in it, you're going to lose the power struggle. Unless he's
blatantly rude (name calling, etc), try coming up with some stock answers
for moments when he's being challenging. When he says "this is how you
close a cupboard" say "this is how I kiss your beautiful face" and kiss him.
Or say (with astonishment) "well my goodness, you _do_ know how!" I'd also
recommend listening to how you and your DH speak to him, because it is
possible that he's merely reflecting back what he hears from you guys.
The bacon thing, well, I admit with embarrassment that we've actually had to
count the pieces at the beginning of the meal to ensure everyone gets the
same number. Because you would think we were starving my SS, the way he
eagle eyed what everyone else was eating.
Good luck
rebecca
Red
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:D0qDb.5459$0s2....@newsread2.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>
> "Red" <lafo...@pilot.msu.edu> wrote in message
> news:brl3nt$mso$1...@msunews.cl.msu.edu...
> > Hello group. I recently got married to my boyfriend of four years. We'd
> been
> > living together for two years. He has a 12 year old son - we get him
every
> > other weekend and in the summer. For the most part SS and I get along
> > famously. But recently I have noticed a trend that is really starting to
> get
> > under my nerves and bother me.
> >
> > He's become more and more challenging...god, it's so hard to describe.
>
> Hi Cheryl,
>
> I have an almost 8YO SS, and I think I know what you mean. My flip answer
> to you is that he says these things because he knows it bugs you, and your
> DH is ignoring it because it just rolls off his back. How much talking
> about change did you guys do before the wedding? Because even though
you've
> been together as a family for a while, it's pretty likely that the wedding
> has had some impact on the SS. You aren't just a playmate anymore, if you
> know what I mean. Maybe he's resisting that idea a little.
I think you are right. We didn't really talk much, because I think it was
all of our impressions that things wouldn't change much. However, maybe to
the eyes of a kid everything has changed.
>
> That being said, a certain mouthiness comes from being a kid, and if you
get
> too wrapped up in it, you're going to lose the power struggle. Unless
he's
> blatantly rude (name calling, etc), try coming up with some stock answers
> for moments when he's being challenging. When he says "this is how you
> close a cupboard" say "this is how I kiss your beautiful face" and kiss
him.
> Or say (with astonishment) "well my goodness, you _do_ know how!" I'd
also
> recommend listening to how you and your DH speak to him, because it is
> possible that he's merely reflecting back what he hears from you guys.
Hmmmm....it's hard for me to determine sometimes whether I'm making too much
out of the little comments. But still, thanks for the suggestions.
> The bacon thing, well, I admit with embarrassment that we've actually had
to
> count the pieces at the beginning of the meal to ensure everyone gets the
> same number. Because you would think we were starving my SS, the way he
> eagle eyed what everyone else was eating.
Well that one was odd because it's never come up before, and I've certainly
not been the one to take too much bacon in the past! :) And the thing is,
the kid didn't even eat his allotted three pieces of bacon, so I don't know
why he's getting on my case about it. It seemed like he was definitely doing
it to get a rise out of me, because he obviously didn't really care about
the bacon.
Actually, it seemed like exactly the kind of thing *we've* said to him
before. So that's part of what seems so uncomfortable about it. It's like
he's trying to reverse our roles.
Cheryl
Lynn Randall
> It seemed like he was definitely doing
> it to get a rise out of me, because he obviously didn't really care about
> the bacon.
>
>
> Cheryl
Hi Cheryl,
I have a different take on this. It seems to me that your SS is trying to
establish a relationship with you. I see his comments as his immature
attempts to communicate with you and establish a bond. I think the idea of
giving him a kiss is right on. Why don't you try giving him some light
cheery positive reinforcement each time he makes one of these remarks? I bet
he will respond positively to this.
Best,
Lynn
WhansaMi
While I don't think what your SS is doing is atrociously bad, IMO, it is not
appropriate for him to be talking to any adult in that manner. If this
occurred in my home I'd say something to the effect of, "Honey, I'd appreciate
it if you wouldn't use that tone of voice with me... or any adult. It is
disrespectful." Then, I'd let it go. Change the subject, be upbeat and happy
(in other words, let him know that I wasn't going to hold it against him -- its
over). If it *did* continue, I'd expect that my husband and I would have a
talk with him about what are appropriate things, and inappropriate things to
say, and tones to say them in, and set appropriate consequences for him
breaking those rules.
I'm fairly conservative in my approach to childrearing. I generally don't
believe that children should be allowed to speak to adults in condescending
tones, or to direct their behavior. So, of course, my approach would reflect
that philosophy.
Sheila
rebecca
I actually thought of you when I read Cheryl's post, it's a question up your
alley. But she's a recent step-parent, not the kid's biological parent.
Shouldn't that factor into your advice?
Rebecca
"WhansaMi" <whan...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031215212607...@mb-m05.aol.com...
Cheryl LaFountain
>
> While I don't think what your SS is doing is atrociously bad, IMO, it is
not
> appropriate for him to be talking to any adult in that manner.
That's how I see it too.
> If this
> occurred in my home I'd say something to the effect of, "Honey, I'd
appreciate
> it if you wouldn't use that tone of voice with me... or any adult. It is
> disrespectful." Then, I'd let it go. Change the subject, be upbeat and
happy
> (in other words, let him know that I wasn't going to hold it against
him -- its
> over).
This sounds like a really good suggestion, and one that I'll work on. I know
that I need to try not to take these things so personally as well.
>If it *did* continue, I'd expect that my husband and I would have a
> talk with him about what are appropriate things, and inappropriate things
to
> say, and tones to say them in, and set appropriate consequences for him
> breaking those rules.
>
> I'm fairly conservative in my approach to childrearing. I generally don't
> believe that children should be allowed to speak to adults in
condescending
> tones, or to direct their behavior. So, of course, my approach would
reflect
> that philosophy.
Understood. I agree.
Cheryl
Cheryl LaFountain
"Lynn Randall" <ly...@aikidocenters.com> wrote in message
news:A5sDb.1490$tw1....@nnrp1.ptd.net...
Hmmmm...I understand what you're saying, but my SS and I are already able to
connect on a lot of different levels...we play games together a lot, and I
we're both talkers, so we talk a lot as well (probably more than he does to
his dad). So, while I see why you might think that, but I don't think that's
it.
Plus, I just don't think I could pull that off. I just don't find the tone
he uses acceptable, so I wouldn't be able to fake being all cheery.
Cheryl
The Watsons
> Sheila,
>
> I actually thought of you when I read Cheryl's post, it's a question up
your
> alley. But she's a recent step-parent, not the kid's biological parent.
> Shouldn't that factor into your advice?
>
> Rebecca
my opinion would be that she could take the approach of "i don't appreciate
that tone of voice" and to explain that a condescending tone to any adult is
disrespectful....
but i'm a screwball college kid who just finished her exams, so i could be
totally insane by now....;D
Jess
WhansaMi
>
>I actually thought of you when I read Cheryl's post, it's a question up your
>alley. But she's a recent step-parent, not the kid's biological parent.
>Shouldn't that factor into your advice?
>
>Rebecca
I'm not sure if I should be honored that you thought of me, or not! ;-))))
Yes and no, WRT the step-parent issue. My own philosophy is that my children
may be corrected (i.e., told that their behavior is out of line with my
expectations) by the "authorities" in their lives -- and any partner that I
trust enough and choose to live with is automatically an authority. DH knows
-- and approves-- of the rules and expectations I have set for my kids. If he
sees something that goes against that, especially if I am not there, I *want*
him to say something to them. I'd much prefer that to him coming and telling
me afterwards.
But, this is why I added the line about how my own view about parenting
influence my response. Not all people take this approach to parenting, in
which case they probably would disagree with my suggestion. I should have also
added (but didn't -- sorry, Cheryl!) that the step-parent and the bio-parent
need to agree about the role the step should take in the kid's life, and the
response needs to be in accordance with that. If their agreement is that the
SP will NOT act as an authority figure, and will leave all of that to the BP,
then, of course, the SP should simply refer it back to the BP. From what I
read I just got the impression that Cheryl had a more active "parenting" role,
but maybe I assumed incorrectly.
But... you know... as I think about it, I don't have a problem with anyone with
whom my kids interact calling them on behavior I deem disrespectful. For
instance, I wouldn't have trouble with a teacher, a coach, or a parent of on of
their friends saying what I suggested Cheryl say to my kid(s), if they were to
ever speak in a disrespectful tone. So, I guess I don't even necessarily see
it as a step-parenting issue, but an adult-authority/child issue.
Sheila
WhansaMi
>> occurred in my home I'd say something to the effect of, "Honey, I'd
>appreciate
>> it if you wouldn't use that tone of voice with me... or any adult. It is
>> disrespectful." Then, I'd let it go. Change the subject, be upbeat and
>happy
>> (in other words, let him know that I wasn't going to hold it against
>him -- its
>> over).
>
>This sounds like a really good suggestion, and one that I'll work on. I know
>that I need to try not to take these things so personally as well.
Yeah.... not everything is about being a step! ;-)
Seriously, it may just be a matter of him testing the limits with you -- just
like he would with any other adult with whom he has an on-going relationship.
He needs to know what is acceptable and what isn't with you. I think once kids
have reasonable, consistent limits on their behavior, it is much easier for
them to make good choices. Again, JMHO.
Sheila
Kathleen
: > occurred in my home I'd say something to the effect of, "Honey,
I'd
: appreciate
: > it if you wouldn't use that tone of voice with me... or any adult.
It is
: > disrespectful." Then, I'd let it go. Change the subject, be
upbeat and
: happy
: > (in other words, let him know that I wasn't going to hold it
against
: him -- its
: > over).
Yes, but I would choose my words carefully, then repeat them when the
next situation comes up. You know, the "broken record" technique - it
has really worked for me in the past with my kiddo *and* adults.
With hope and heart,
Kathleen
jane
>being corrected in this way by a 12 year old kid.
I'm intrigued by this for a couple of reasons.
First, I'd have to kill my DH if he tallked to me that way. In fact, I think
I'd have to kill him if he criticized my cupboard shutting or bacon eating in
*any* tone of voice.
Second, does your DH talk to you that way? Because kids do learn from example.
Your SS is changing, and his role in relationships is, too. Everything has to
be reevaluated and adjusted now that he's an adolescent. The way he interacts
with parental and authority figures has to change. So what's he using as a
model?
The challenging itself is par for the course. But I'm not getting why you're
not confronting him on his manner. I'd point out whenever he spoke to me in a
way he wouldn't speak to his father. And I'd point out that DH and I did not
speak to each other or him in that tone, and ask him why he thought that was
the way to go.
It's much easier in theory than in practice. To be honest, a couple of months
ago, my DH did say something about my closing of cupboard doors and I replied
with incredulity and profanity. Just yesterday my daughter spoke to me as
though I were an idiot and I told her through gritted teeth I was going to kill
her when I saw her. So my delivery could use some polishing, but they both got
the "don't talk to me that way" message. And if you don't tell them, how do you
expect them to know?
jane
Melissa
Is he a smart ass with his BP's as well? Part of it may have nothing to do
with you and everything to do with age. He's probably challenging everyone's
authority right now. It's a huge PITA but it may not be personal.
Love,
Melissa
"The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!"
-Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye
Red
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031216130436...@mb-m03.aol.com...
> >Now, this behavior from my husband would be one thing, but I can't stand
> >being corrected in this way by a 12 year old kid.
>
> I'm intrigued by this for a couple of reasons.
>
> First, I'd have to kill my DH if he tallked to me that way. In fact, I
think
> I'd have to kill him if he criticized my cupboard shutting or bacon eating
in
> *any* tone of voice.
er...no, my husband doesn't speak to me in this way. I guess I meant that it
would be one thing if my husband asked me to do something or said something
like, "hey don't slam the cupboards." But actually, no, he doesn't do
*this*. Not sure why I phrased it quite that way.
> Second, does your DH talk to you that way? Because kids do learn from
example.
> Your SS is changing, and his role in relationships is, too. Everything
has to
> be reevaluated and adjusted now that he's an adolescent. The way he
interacts
> with parental and authority figures has to change. So what's he using as
a
> model?
Ok, this seems faulty to me. If I say to my SS, "Hon, please pick up your
backpack and take it to your room" or "no, you can't have those cookies
before dinner" I don't think gives my SS the right to say those types of
things to me. And I don't ever talk to him in the condescending sarcastic
manner he chose this past weekend.
I don't think it is about mimicking my behavior (and I'm trying not to be
annoyed that a few people have seemed to jump to that conclusion, but I
guess it probably happens). I think it is about challenging my role as an
authority/parental figure.
> The challenging itself is par for the course. But I'm not getting why
you're
> not confronting him on his manner.
Well, I'm trying to. Give me a break, this is a new issue for me! ;)
> I'd point out whenever he spoke to me in a
> way he wouldn't speak to his father. And I'd point out that DH and I did
not
> speak to each other or him in that tone, and ask him why he thought that
was
> the way to go.
It's hard for me to know what to say at the exact moment something like this
happens. I often am so surprised that I just say something like, "Oh
please," or something ineffective like that. I'm trying to think of a stock
answer that I could quickly access at times like this.
> It's much easier in theory than in practice. To be honest, a couple of
months
> ago, my DH did say something about my closing of cupboard doors and I
replied
> with incredulity and profanity. Just yesterday my daughter spoke to me as
> though I were an idiot and I told her through gritted teeth I was going to
kill
> her when I saw her. So my delivery could use some polishing, but they
both got
> the "don't talk to me that way" message. And if you don't tell them, how
do you
> expect them to know?
Yeah, I'm feeling guilty enough for not nipping it in the bud already. But
my instincts don't always tell me the exact perfect thing to say :/ But I'm
hearing you, and a few of the others in this thread, and I think I'll do
better next time.
Cheryl
Red
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
news:20031216131611...@mb-m10.aol.com...
<
> Is he a smart ass with his BP's as well? Part of it may have nothing to
do
> with you and everything to do with age. He's probably challenging
everyone's
> authority right now. It's a huge PITA but it may not be personal.
>
See, DH claims that he's as much of a smart ass to him as he is to me, but I
STRONGLY disagree. I think he is in denial about the situation.
And while he might be a tad sarcastic with his dad and others, it's no where
near the same extent as it is with me. At least, I think so! Gah. But I'm
trying not to take it so personally.
Cheryl
Wendy
Generally, I'd say parents always get the worst end of the stick. My girls
wouldn't dream of speaking to Barclay, my partner, in the way they do to
their father or I, though they're more willing to speak up the longer and
more familiar and permanent a feature of their lives he's become.
Wendy
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>He's become more and more challenging...god, it's so hard to describe. Ok,
>how about an example? Yesterday we were futzing around in the kitchen,
>making breakfast. I got some coffee cups out of the cupboard and shut it.
>Next thing I know, SS asks me to turn around and then he very
>condescendingly says, "THIS is how you close a cupboard." and shuts it
>gently. I just said something like, "oh please." And then he tells me that I
>slammed the cupboard.
See, to this I would roll my eyes and say, "I'll let you knwo when
you're in charge of cupboards."
>
>Now, this behavior from my husband would be one thing, but I can't stand
>being corrected in this way by a 12 year old kid. I'm sorry, but I'm an
>adult, this is my house, and I will shut the cupboards whatever damn way I
>please!
And see, if that's what I was feeling I'd have *no* compunction about
saying, "This is my house, and I'll shut the cupboards whatever damn
way I please and when I want advice on that I'll ask for it." I just
probably woulnd't get there right away.
>
>He also made comments, like when I took my second piece of bacon, that I
>should "leave some for the rest of us." Grrrr. So now he's policing my bacon
>consumption? Heh. Please.
Okay, *that* shit wouldn't be out of his mouth before he was away from
the table and going to school without breakfast. Teasing/testing me
when it's the two of us, I handle one way. Doing it in front of other
people I stomp HARD on. I've said to my stepdaughter in front of her
friends, "You wouldn't talk to me that way if we were alone, and it's
a very unattractive way to show off for your friends." My stepdaughter
knows that I will absolutely say what I think no matter who's there,
and if she doesn't want to start a discussion she'll find embarassing
she'd better be *extra* polite to me in front of her friends.
>
>I realize that these little tidbits in and of themselves probably don't seem
>like much. But it is constant, or at least if feels nearly constant. And my
>husband witnessed at least some of these things and didn't notice or react.
And you have to realize, that makes it annoying on a whole different
level. Make sure you separate the two in your mind, and deal with them
as separate issues. Don't get extra mad at the son because his
father's a weenie. BTDT.
>
>I don't know how to combat this issue. I end up talking myself in circles
>because on the one hand I think it could be so much worse.
The fact that it could be worse is no excuse for tolerating behavior
you find intolerable. Get over that. Deal with this behavior. He's
twelve, it will most definitely get worse. Nip it in the bud now.
> For the most
>part, the kid is a bright, good kid. But he often does these little annoying
>things that, to me, seem like ways of saying, "you're not in charge at all
>here, and I can tell you what to do and/or correct you." I've tried
>describing this to my husband, but I don't know if I'm communicating it that
>well. I am planning on talking about it again with him soon, and hopefully I
>will be able to get across that it is a respect thing. My SS would never
>make those kinds of needling comments to his father. I don't see why it is
>acceptable to do so to me.
But *you* need to ultimately be managing this problem. Make sure he
knows that the rides to the mall, the friends over, the internet use
while you're the adult in charge, all dry up if he's not treating you
with respect. How he speaks to you when the two of you are alone is
ultimately not his father's business. Yes, if his father hears it he
should be stomping it out. But your relationship wtih your stepson is
where you draw boundaries and stick to them. That's your
responsibility.
>
>I guess I know I need to talk to my husband, but I'm not really sure what to
>say. I'm sick of telling myself that I'm over reacting or being
>hyper-sensitive. I'm sick of blaming myself for feeling picked at and
>defensive. I don't think it is just my problem. But I don't really know what
>my husband can do with such...subtle challenges. Does any of this make
>sense, and has anyone experienced this kind of thing before? Thoughts?
See, Cheryl, it seems clear that talking to your husband is going to
be fruitless, beyond saying, "If <sk> speaks to me this way again, I'm
grounding him and I expect you to back me up." I think that once
you're expressing your feelings directly to the SS instead of seething
or wishing his Dad would take care of it, you're going to find that
the problem *is* manageable, that you can manage it, and you're going
to feel much better about the whole situation.
I learned this the very, very hard way when my SD was an extremely
mouthy four and five year old. I managed it my way. Now, at 15, I'm
literally the only person in her life she thinks twice before mouthing
off to.
Anne
Tracey
>it's a question up your alley. But she's a recent
>step-parent, not the kid's biological parent. Shouldn't
>that factor into your advice?
I'm not Sheila, Rebecca, but you know what? If either
of our children said something to another adult that
the adult took offense at, I would *hope* that adult
would say something to them. Whether it was a parent,
a stepparent, a cousin, an aunt, heck, a stranger at
a grocery store. I sure don't hesitate to tell a child
I'm around when they've offended me or I felt they were
being rude.
Tracey
rebecca
"Tracey" <rbran...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:3FDFAE00...@aol.com...
> I'm not Sheila, Rebecca, but you know what? If either
> of our children said something to another adult that
> the adult took offense at, I would *hope* that adult
> would say something to them. Whether it was a parent,
> a stepparent, a cousin, an aunt, heck, a stranger at
> a grocery store. I sure don't hesitate to tell a child
> I'm around when they've offended me or I felt they were
> being rude.
Yeah, I phrased that badly. What I _mean_ is, if you're a recent
stepparent, it's probable that the kid is feeling some effect from the
remarriage. Not an excuse for being a mouthy snot, but there's a deeper
reason behind the behavior than the kid's simply being rude. Maybe it's a
territorial issue, maybe it's a testing issue, maybe the kid is attempting
to hang onto what they perceived as a more peer relationship (versus
parental). And in that situation, I would at least consider that in terms
of my approach to the issue.
I don't know. I thought of Sheila because I tend to let stuff like this
roll off my back with light comments in return, which doesn't seem to be the
approach the OP is comfortable with.
rebecca
rebecca
>
>
> I don't think it is about mimicking my behavior (and I'm trying not to be
> annoyed that a few people have seemed to jump to that conclusion, but I
> guess it probably happens). I think it is about challenging my role as an
> authority/parental figure.
Oh, I didn't mean at all to suggest that you did that. Don't know if you do
or not. But in the situation, you have to honestly look at your own
behavior to see if that's where the kid is getting it from. FWIW, I totally
agree that the kid is having some issues about the peer versus parental
relationship. Where you have to go now is to figure out what kind of
relationship you want to have with the kid, how much of a big deal you're
willing to make over a few flip comments, and how you're going to feel about
it if your husband doesn't think it's a big deal and only supports you
because you're insisting.
rebecca
jane
>backpack and take it to your room" or "no, you can't have those cookies
>before dinner" I don't think gives my SS the right to say those types of
>things to me
>manner he chose this past weekend.
There's a step issue here.
Have you noticed how the other people who responded to you felt differently
about a lot of things? I'm a people don't talk to people that way person, not
a kids don't talk to adults that way person. So if we were talking about my
kid, I'd be on your side in a heartbeat on the condescending manner but pretty
much disinterested on the backpack issue. Maybe you and DH should talk some
more about the several different issues that have come up and feel out where
you agree and disagree.
I'd be fine with my DH telling my kid not to talk to him in that manner, I'd be
fine with my kid telling my DH not to talk to her in that manner. I'd jump all
over that myself, so either of them could expect my full support.
>It's hard for me to know what to say at the exact moment something like this
>happens. I often am so surprised that I just say something like, "Oh
>please," or something ineffective like that. I'm trying to think of a stock
>answer that I could quickly access at times like this.
I don't know if a stock answer is such a great idea, although I do tend to fall
back on "if you ever speak to me that way again, I'll rip your arms off and
beat you to death with them."
However, if you do want a prepared statement, you really have to figure out
what you want to say. Then you have to figure out something that fits you,
that you'll feel comfortable saying and can spit right out.
For me, the live issues are the indirectness and manner of the confrontation.
And I'm very direct. So I say things like "I hate it when you yank my chain
about some stupid bullshit like cabinet doors just to piss me off. If you want
a fight, tell me, I'll schedule it in." Or "in what dimension are you living
that you think it's okay for people to talk to each other the way you just
did?" Planned out, those would be softer: "Okay, what's the problem? I know
it's not cabinet doors" and "I won't talk to you if you address me that way.
When you can be civil, come tell me what's bothering you." The bacon would
still probably be down the garbage disposal in a heartbeat, because I have my
limits, but if I'm prepared I can say what I mean more clearly and with less
reciprocal aggression.
What I'm hearing from you is that you want to say something a little different.
And it appears that you don't jump right in to direct confrontation. Maybe
you'd be comfortable with the Pointed Remark? "Yes, we should treat our
cabinets each other with respect" or "We're a family; we take each other's
needs into consideration." Or one of those gentle deflecting back to the real
issue things like "That was harsh. Bad day at school?" or "You know what, I
think we're better off talking when you're in a better mood."
Anyway, I think it will fall into place once you figure out what you really
want to be saying.
jane
>Cheryl
Red
<snip>
>What I'm hearing from you is that you want to say something a little
different.
> And it appears that you don't jump right in to direct confrontation.
Maybe
> you'd be comfortable with the Pointed Remark? "Yes, we should treat our
> cabinets each other with respect" or "We're a family; we take each other's
> needs into consideration." Or one of those gentle deflecting back to the
real
> issue things like "That was harsh. Bad day at school?" or "You know what,
I
> think we're better off talking when you're in a better mood."
>
> Anyway, I think it will fall into place once you figure out what you
really
> want to be saying.
I'm starting to see this issue a lot better after reading everyone's
responses. I thought of a response I would be comfortable with. Something
like, "you and are are not going to get along if you talk to me like that,
and I really would like us to get along."
I think I'm so unused to dealing with this that it takes me a bit of time to
realize what's going on and what I want to say. But I'm getting it now.
Thanks for all the good advice, to everyone who responded in this thread. It
is greatly appreciated.
Cheryl
Red
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:q49vtvkcq52mc09to...@4ax.com...
> On Mon, 15 Dec 2003 15:02:57 -0500, "Red" <lafo...@pilot.msu.edu>
> wrote:
>
>
>
> >He's become more and more challenging...god, it's so hard to describe.
Ok,
> >how about an example? Yesterday we were futzing around in the kitchen,
> >making breakfast. I got some coffee cups out of the cupboard and shut it.
> >Next thing I know, SS asks me to turn around and then he very
> >condescendingly says, "THIS is how you close a cupboard." and shuts it
> >gently. I just said something like, "oh please." And then he tells me
that I
> >slammed the cupboard.
>
> See, to this I would roll my eyes and say, "I'll let you knwo when
> you're in charge of cupboards."
*snort* Good one.
<snip>
>
> I learned this the very, very hard way when my SD was an extremely
> mouthy four and five year old. I managed it my way. Now, at 15, I'm
> literally the only person in her life she thinks twice before mouthing
> off to.
>
Thanks, this was all really helpful. I'm feeling a lot more confident about
how to handle this issue.
Cheryl
Angie Reynolds
what to do. My SS8 tried this with me when he first started living with us
and right after we were married. He quickly got over that. He had lived with
his Grandparents while my DH was working, before we got together and I
guess he was telling me how his GP's did things there. They were always so
strict about things with him and how they did things. I told him it was OUR
house, and I would do whatever I pleased in it. I would do things different
if we went over there, to respect other people's houses, but I would do what
I damn well pleased in my house. He slipped a couple times aftewards and I
just glared at him and gave him my "look" and he would correct himself and
say "well, it's not their house, you do whatever you want here" So he
quickly got over that. SS6 started doing things like that as well when he
first moved in 5 months ago. He doesn't anymore. They both tend to be bossy
like their Grandmothers and I can't stand to have a kid boss me around our
own house and telling ME what to do. It would be little things like doors,
and medicine cabinets in the bathroom, and they would tell me not to slam
the doors. I have a habit when I'm in a big hurry to get ready for work or
go somewhere to just quickly close the door behind me and it does end up
slamming sometimes. Dh told them as well, not to talk to me in that bossy
tone of voice or tell me what to do, just as they better not do that with
him.
Angie
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031217120510...@mb-m13.aol.com...
That's what I say to my SS's.
Lori H
My 12 year old SD does this to me too and it gets under my skin sooooo
bad. OTOH my 15 year old daughter does it to my SO and it bugs the hell
out of him. My 9 yr old SD does it also but she is more inclined to say
"My Mom doesn't do it THAT way". That one I can answer with "Well we all
do things the way that works for us"
>
Lori H
I once told my dear friends son (7) that I did not appreciate his tone
of voice when he yelled in my ear for taking more that one candy from a
dish. It was my candy, and his mother had told him that he could have
only one, so he was mad that I had gotten more than him. That friend was
very very pissed at me for a long time. She felt that it was rude of me
to take more than one when her baby was only allowed one piece. I did
not feel bad for telling the little brat off, but I did feel bad that
his mother had not taught him more respect for adults.
Lori
Tracey
>She felt that it was rude of me to take more than one
>when her baby was only allowed one piece.
Yah, Lori, I once watched a friend of mine's daughter for
like 3 hours. The daughter spent, oh, maybe an hour of that
time sitting on the couch while I read because she refused
to stop jumping on the beds, running up and down the stairs,
throwing toys around, lowering her voice, etc., in probably
5 or 6 ten minute increments at a time. That was the last
time I was asked to watch the child.
Tracey
n...@impactwp.com
Thanks for posting this Jane. I was getting a little concerned as the only
response I could think that I would make would be 'and when I need to know
how to close a cupboard, I'll ask you, thanks' or 'grown women don't need to
be told what to do by a child, thank you'. Or the short and snappy 'when I
need some help, I'll ask'.
To the OP I think your decided-upon sentence is a good one, see how you go.
If things didn't improve I'd be booking a chat with Dad to book a chat with
son regarding his behaviour.
Nikki