Looking after step child
Merrie
I can remember facing this question for myself. I took the kids to a
chinese restaurant with my mother and her friend and the kids behaved
miserably, and I received a stern lecture from my mother.
She made it clear in no uncertain terms that if their mother wasn't
going to do it then I must. For the children's sake.
A step mother steps in when someone has stepped out.
I suggest you sit down with yourself and decide just where you want to
be in 10-15 years in relation to this child. Then see if that's the
same place your husband expects you and the child to be. There aren't
any definant roles or rules except those that you agree to. You don't
have to teach the kids manners unless you and your husband want you to.
You may have a problem if he want you to and you don't, or you want him
to but he won't. For myself, since I was being left to tend the
children without bio-dad, I had to be able to discipline.
As far as bio-mom undoing all your parenting - kids learn to live with
the different sets of rules. They usually go through a transaction
period when coming between houses but they do comply with house rules.
About putting the child in the room - I don't know his age and so I
can't say. But if you need to get away from the kid by all means do
so. If you need a play pen or crib in order for the child to be safe
get one.
A final note on children in general - you can't always control the kid,
but you usually can control the environment that the child is in. It's
why we baby proof a house. Don't go shopping if he can't handle it,
tell hubby to pick something up on the way home.
These days (concerning the kids) I don't do anything if it makes me
uncomfortable. They are 14 and nearly 16 and if they are acting weird,
then I won't leave them home alone. I don't have to give them anymore
reason than "I'm uncomfortable with it." They pretty much comply with
what I've asked - I guess all that discipline at an earlier age has
helped...
Merrie
Mark Graham Smith wrote:
>
> Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous
> marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom )
> staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that "he will
> benefit from spending time with his father". I have no children of my own
> and I was not instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. My husband
> works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who
> is already a very confused little boy. Is it wrong for me to feel like a
> live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out
> of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:
>
> My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step
> children do, they have been taught or rather not taught manners, that I as a
> person find unacceptable, but who am I to change this behaviour even though
> my husband agrees with me and has seen the deterioration of their general
> well being since the divorce. How can we demand respect in our home when as
> soon as they go home it is back to the manipulative "care" of their mother?
>
> Things that worry me about this coming week are a million-fold but I'll
> narrow it down:
>
> 1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand
> and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink
> neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".
>
> 2, If Tom decides to wreck furniture and generally be a pain in the arse
> and I get inches away from wanting to smack him, is shutting him in his room
> and asking him to stay there until he can behave, a suitable way to deal
> with the situation considering that really I have no say whatsoever in the
> upbringing of this child.
>
> I would appreciate any advice from more experienced step mothers than
> myself.
>
> Thank You.
>
> Helen Smith, Scotland.
Mark Graham Smith
janelaw
>
> Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous
> marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom )
> staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that "he will
> benefit from spending time with his father".
This is all good.
I have no children of my own
> and I was not instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. My husband
> works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who
> is already a very confused little boy.
This is all bad. Your husband absolutely, totally, 100% has to
spend at least the first few days of visitation with you. You
have to let the child know that you and DH are caring for him as
a team.
> Is it wrong for me to feel like a
> live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out
> of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:
>
> My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step
> children do,
This is dangerous ground. If you have never had children,
chances are you don't really know how they would act. Just as
an example, many non-parents feel that tantruming, biting,
whining, etc. are willful acts on the child's part. IMHO, these
are normal developmental steps. We have to TEACH our children
that this is inappropriate behavior. It is a long and sometimes
frustrating process. It is not, however, the child's fault.
> they have been taught or rather not taught manners, that I as a
> person find unacceptable, but who am I to change this behaviour even though
> my husband agrees with me and has seen the deterioration of their general
> well being since the divorce. How can we demand respect in our home when as
> soon as they go home it is back to the manipulative "care" of their mother?
Well, the bottom line is they have to have manners in your
home. How old is Tom? I get the feeling that he is 4 or 5. If
so, you have my deepest sympathy. Kids this age are whiny,
demanding, argumentative, rebellious, and stubborn as hell.
They have to do EVERYTHING for themselves, even if it takes 20
minutes. When it is your own child, you just tell yourself over
and over that they are learning how to assert themselves and
express their needs in a strange and confusing world. You
patiently and lovingly help them to learn simultaneously
self-determination and self-control. Other people's kids at
this age are just brats. I don't understand how child-care
workers do it. You've got to read parenting books on this age
group to get some perspective.
All school-age children have encountered SOMEONE who expects to
be treated with courtesy and respect. You just have to identify
yourself to the child as one of those people. It's pretty easy
if you and DH work out a plan. IME, kids test you pretty early
on. Within the first five minutes, he will begin feeling you
out through his actions and his speech. You'll know what I mean
when it happens.
Don't over-react or let anything slide. Just calmly reinforce
his appropriate behavior and point out his inappropriate
behavior. If he swears, say, "We don't use that language." If
he throws his stuff on the living room floor, say, "You can
bring those into the bedroom now, Johnny. I'll show you the
way." If he says that he is getting an A in math, say, "That's
wonderful." If he brings his plate to the kitchen sink, say,
"Thank you." It may be exhausting in the beginning, but it
saves immeasurable time later on. Do not fall into the trap of
letting things go for a few days until the child "settles in."
It is completely unfair to the child. He has to know the lay of
the land right from the start.
>
> Things that worry me about this coming week are a million-fold but I'll
> narrow it down:
>
> 1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand
> and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink
> neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".
>
Do not bring Tom anywhere in public until you are certain that
he knows what is expected of him. When you first do, you may
have to continue the "testing" process. Firmly, consistently,
and calmly (I know how much easier this is to say than to do)
let him know what behavior is and is not appropriate.
If Tom is quite young, you have to keep in mind that he is not a
little adult. He does not have the tools for dealing with the
world that we do. Your job is to help him develop skills for
dealing with his frustration, exhaustion, excitement, etc. All
kids just grab what they want until you teach them that they
have to ask. Most kids tantrum when they fall apart. Just bite
the bullet, ignore the censorious looks, and ignore him until
it's over. It helps if you keep in mind that the kid lost it
because you pushed him too far. The worst of it is that you
don't know Tom well enough to be able to predict what activity
is going to affect him the way four hours in a traffic jam would
affect you. You really have to try not to me too critical of
yourself or of him (or, incidentally of his mother, who is
raising four kids by herself).
> 2, If Tom decides to wreck furniture and generally be a pain in the arse
> and I get inches away from wanting to smack him, is shutting him in his room
> and asking him to stay there until he can behave, a suitable way to deal
> with the situation considering that really I have no say whatsoever in the
> upbringing of this child.
>
No, no, no. From bitter experience, I can assure you that you
have to deal with stuff way before the wanting to smack him
stage. Brief time outs do seem to help kids get a grip when
they are out of control. Sticking him in his room until he
learns how to behave could last decades. Of course, you have to
put some distance between you if you think you might hurt the
child. Sometimes you have to give yourself a time out until YOU
get control of yourself again. Don't worry too much if this
happens; it gives you perspective for when he kicks you.
My best advice is to change the environment when you feel like
things are getting out of control. When they get wild, most
parents I know bring their kid to a park to run it off. There
are computer programs that distract and entertain kids of any
age. When I run thin on patience, I generally cook with the
kids. Pretty much anything with eggs or peanut butter works.
Don't be afraid of the tv, videos, or even Nintendo; for right
now just focus on surviving the week. Also, they make all kinds
of washable paints, markers, finger paints, etc. now. I have
seen all the kids in my extended family (ages 4 to 15) spend an
hour making puppets out of brown paper bags, colored paper,
buttons, etc. And they got along! All kids seem to like
anything that involves water, music or dirt.
> I would appreciate any advice from more experienced step mothers than
> myself.
>
> Thank You.
>
> Helen Smith, Scotland.
Good luck! I hope this helps. You might want to post to
alt.support.single-parents to get advice on parenting a child by
yourself.
nancy g.
have said if I'd had the time to compose a reply and the ability to
put it into words as well as she did.
I just wanted to add one more comment:
janelaw wrote:
> Helen Smith wrote:
>> Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous
>> marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom )
>> staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that
>> "he will benefit from spending time with his father".
> This is all good.
>> My husband works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of
>> said child who is already a very confused little boy.
> This is all bad. Your husband absolutely, totally, 100% has to
> spend at least the first few days of visitation with you. You
> have to let the child know that you and DH are caring for him as
> a team.
I suppose it's too late at this point to change the timing of the
child's visit or for the Dad to get some vacation time from work ...
but I do have to wonder, what in the name of heaven was Dad *THINKING* of,
to plan something like this for a time when he's going to be working
TWELVE HOURS A DAY?
He said his goal was to have the child "benefit from spending time
with his father." I agree that the child probably would benefit,
and the father probably would benefit, and that this is a great and
admirable goal.
My question is, when, exactly, did Dad think this "time" was going
to happen, if he is going to be working 12 out of the 24 hours of the
days when his kid is around??
Can't he get any vacation time off from work? And how soon is this visit
going to take place, anyway? Would it be possible to reschedule it for
a time when Dad *is* going to be more accessible? Will there at least be
some weekend time that the three of you could spent together, or that Dad
could take his son somewhere and give you a break?
Maybe I'm misreading things here, but ... I don't know. It sure seems
like there ought to be a way that *something* can be adjusted here to
make this visit go more smoothly for all concerned.
There's only one other suggestion I might make in addition to the
excellent ones already posted in this thread, and that is, do you know
any other parents with children about the same age? If so, a visit to them
might be a lot of fun for the child, and would also give some feedback
about how the day-to-day experiences of parenting a child of this age are
supposed to go.
And whatever happens, good luck! If the worst happens and you find you
absolutely hate the experience, remember that it's only one week. Surely
you can cope with anything for that long, especially if Dad is supportive
during the times he *is* home from work.
nancy g.
Vicki Robinson
>Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous
>marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom )
>staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that "he will
>benefit from spending time with his father". I have no children of my own
>and I was not instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. My husband
>works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who
>is already a very confused little boy. Is it wrong for me to feel like a
>live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out
>of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:
>
> My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step
>children do,
>
>Things that worry me about this coming week are a million-fold but I'll
>narrow it down:
>
>1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand
>and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink
>neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".
>
>
>I would appreciate any advice from more experienced step mothers than
>myself.
>
Hi, Helen,
You've already received some *great* advice from some of the other
posters. Take it to heart; they know what they're talking about.
I'm a little concerned with a subtext that I may be misreading in your
post; you are clearly concerned with Tom's behavior and what you will
be expected to tolerate or correct, and your concern is valid. This
is very anxiety-provoking and I can see why you feel apprehensive. I
don't see a lot of concern in your post for Tom's feelings, though,
and that bothers me. (I don't automatically assume that you don't
have any concern for Tom's feelings, but I don't *see* it in this
particular post.)
You seem to feel that this relationship with your stepson is going
to start out as an adversarial one; you're not looking forward to the
opportunity to get to know Tom or to share some of your favorite things
with him, to bring yourself into your husband's and Tom's established
relationship. One of the hardest things that I had to face in my
first marriage (I was a second wife and a stepmother) was that *I*
was the newcomer, *I* was the one who had to find a way to fit in.
I was an adult, of course, and that gave me some authority over and
responsibility for my stepkids, no question about it, but I didn't
see my stepkids as interlopers in my husband's and my life.
They belonged there. When I married him, I married them. Now in my
second marriage, my husband and I actually *did* "marry" each others'
children during our wedding ceremony, taking vows to care for them and to
"commit to them our home, our family and our life."
Regard this time as an opportunity to create family. Tom is your DH's
flesh and blood, and instead of worrying about his behavior, look
forward to the chance to know him and let him know you. You're not a
child minder, you're a stepmother. When you married your husband, you
took on his children too. With perseverence and patience, this can
turn out to be a great blessing in your life.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com.
Mark Graham Smith
(This is actually 'Mark' and not my wife Helen this time!!). Thanks for the
advice given to my wife, some of it is actually quite useful for myself.
I've got to admit that in our circumstances it is not ideal for me to be out
at work and for Helen to look after Tom (4yo). After many hours spent
pondering the whole issue we decided that this was probably the best course
of action to take given the limited choices available with the constraints
placed on my life at the moment - ie, work, distance to bio-mums res (about
6hrs return), etc.....it would probably take me quite a long time to explain
that fully and really it deviates from the issue.
I've had little contact with the children for about two years now, sometimes
not seeing them for six weeks or so, (longer when I was in Bosnia), though
usually once a month or more. In my minds eye I see young Tom lacking in a
father figure, ( The girls aswell though I was actively being their father
in their younger years which I believe to be the most important stage in
their development ). From Toms point of view, he had a very loving Father
until he was 2yo, and then I'm gone! (Bio-mum got a new fella actually). I
think all my children were devastated really though BM does her best to
convince them that it's best for them. ( Maybe she's right but there is
nothing to be gained by exploring that now as it's allready happened!).
I am digressing again! With the limited contact that I have with the
children I have seen a steady decline in their attitudes, manners and
ambitions. Apparently all the values and manners which were important to
teach the children from my point of view are now scorned upon. ( I don't
know why either but that's BM for you).
So, the childrens behaviour does quite often leave a lot to be desired.
Helen and I agree on this - most things really.
I think that our problems stem from the fact that neither of us has any
experience of step-parenting. Helen looks to me for advice on this but I'm
happy for Helen to define her own role and have as little or as much to do
with the children as she wants. It's simple enough for me, they're my
children and I love them, always will and can't change that. I think it's
more difficult for Helen, she married me and not the children, I don't
expect her to love them but if she does then I don't mind that, anyway you
can't really plan for that can you?
I realise that I've put Helen in a terrible position this week (actually she
is very, very good with the children - but it really tires her out). Maybe
if she relaxes and doesn't worry too much about Tom's manners/misbehaviour
it could be fun. With the limited contact that we have I don't think it's
possible for us to influence either of the children's behaviour so I try to
ignore the bad bits and have fun and show them that I do love them even if
I'm not there.
Hopefully Tom will end the week with some nice memories, even if it is only
3hrs per night that he see's me.
Hopefully Helen will end the week not too worn out, not too upset and you
never know we may still be madly in love even if there is paint on the
carpets and marker pen scribbling all over the walls!!!
Hope I havent offended anybody in my ramblings,
Thanks
Mark
Rose
Mark Graham Smith wrote:
> Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous
> marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom )
> staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that "he will
> benefit from spending time with his father". I have no children of my own
> and I was not instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. My husband
> works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who
> is already a very confused little boy. Is it wrong for me to feel like a
> live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out
> of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:
>
> My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step
> children do, they have been taught or rather not taught manners, that I as a
> person find unacceptable, but who am I to change this behaviour even though
> my husband agrees with me and has seen the deterioration of their general
> well being since the divorce. How can we demand respect in our home when as
> soon as they go home it is back to the manipulative "care" of their mother?
Helen, learn to take big deep breaths and then spend the next few years(yes,
years!) teaching him what his behavior is in your home. We've been through this.
biomom teaches our SS's absolutely no manners. She doesnt care what they do as
long as they're not bothering her. So, when they come here it's a different
world. We teach them manners(one of the first being how not to eat like a pig),
proper behavior and what the rules are here. the reason why I say it took years
is because of the influence biomom has. It takes a while to sink in when you
have them every other weekend and mom has them the rest of the time.
Since you don't have kids, you might be attributing some normal little kid
behavior to mean little kid behavior. I did this for years until I had my own
and realized kids just act that way. I *thought* they were just acting that way
to aggravate me. And still, when they aggravate me so badly that I just want to
scream, I lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes until I'm calmer then come
out and deal with it.
>
>
> Things that worry me about this coming week are a million-fold but I'll
> narrow it down:
>
> 1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand
> and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink
> neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".
We didn't take my SS's out anywhere until we were sure they knew how to behave,
and they still digressed and still do sometimes. Patience is the key here. :)
>
>
> 2, If Tom decides to wreck furniture and generally be a pain in the arse
> and I get inches away from wanting to smack him, is shutting him in his room
> and asking him to stay there until he can behave, a suitable way to deal
> with the situation considering that really I have no say whatsoever in the
> upbringing of this child.
While he's in your home, you are responsible for his behavior. I wouldn't lock
him in his room, I would set aside a chair for time-out and *use* it. I would
only leave him there for 5 minutes the first time(an eternity for a little
child) for each different behavior problem. The next time is a little
longer(say, seven minutes) etc, until he gets the picture. And when he is
behaving well, make *sure* you reward him.
So, Helen, from someone who's been there, and still is, hope this helps, and my
e-mail box is always open.
Rose
>
>
> I would appreciate any advice from more experienced step mothers than
> myself.
>
SoccerStepMom
career woman and SM-in-training when my hubby's kids were 4 and 7. And
it happened a couple times that I was foolish enough to say, "Sure!
I'll take charge for the day so that you can go to work or whatever" I
recall a particular trip to McDonald's where the 4YO was screaming at
the top of his lungs because I wouldn't let them eat in the playground
area (we needed to be at home to await a repairman). I about died of
embarrassment!
I also felt as though I didn't have a private moment to myself; the 4YO
needed constant attention, even when he was coloring or watching
cartoons. At first, I tried to be miss perfect and pay full attention
to them for the whole 8 hours or so. The result was that I was a
frazzled mess. Over time, I got more comfortable with saying no,
leaving the room for a few minutes of quiet time, not running over every
time they ask me to look at what they just drew, and we generally got to
know each other better.
I am happy to report that this spoiled, obnoxious 4YO snapped out of it
around 5-1/2,and at age 8 is the most charming, loving, obedient yet
high-spirited child I have had the pleasure to know (I'm not prejudiced,
really!) So give him time.
And don't underestimate the fact that you and the child still have not a
clue about how to relate to each other. Just love him and get to know
him, and I bet it will work out. By now, I can "solo" with the kids
whenever, whereever. You'll learn. Good luck, SSM
janelaw
>
> Hello,
>
> (This is actually 'Mark' and not my wife Helen this time!!). Thanks for the
> advice given to my wife, some of it is actually quite useful for myself.
> I've got to admit that in our circumstances it is not ideal for me to be out
> at work and for Helen to look after Tom (4yo).
>
and Helen in. We all do our best with less than perfect
circumstances.
>
> snip
>
> I've had little contact with the children for about two years now, sometimes
> not seeing them for six weeks or so, (longer when I was in Bosnia), though
> usually once a month or more. In my minds eye I see young Tom lacking in a
> father figure, ( The girls aswell though I was actively being their father
> in their younger years which I believe to be the most important stage in
> their development ). From Toms point of view, he had a very loving Father
> until he was 2yo, and then I'm gone! (Bio-mum got a new fella actually). I
> think all my children were devastated really though BM does her best to
> convince them that it's best for them. ( Maybe she's right but there is
> nothing to be gained by exploring that now as it's allready happened!).
>
> I am digressing again! With the limited contact that I have with the
> children I have seen a steady decline in their attitudes, manners and
> ambitions. Apparently all the values and manners which were important to
> teach the children from my point of view are now scorned upon. ( I don't
> know why either but that's BM for you).
This is why continued contact with both parents is so
important. It's easy to throw out the baby with the bath
water. In reality, both parents usually have a great deal to
add to the lives of their children.
>
> So, the childrens behaviour does quite often leave a lot to be desired.
> Helen and I agree on this - most things really.
>
> I think that our problems stem from the fact that neither of us has any
> experience of step-parenting. Helen looks to me for advice on this but I'm
> happy for Helen to define her own role and have as little or as much to do
> with the children as she wants.
It may look this way now. My experience is that once a step
begins to define his or her own role, the bio-parent finds all
sorts of previously undiscovered opinions about what the step
should and should not be doing. I say this as both a bio-mom
and a step-mom. Incidentally, Helen really doesn't have the
option of spending as little time as she wants with Tom during
his visit, does she?
> It's simple enough for me, they're my
> children and I love them, always will and can't change that. I think it's
> more difficult for Helen, she married me and not the children, I don't
> expect her to love them but if she does then I don't mind that, anyway you
> can't really plan for that can you?
>
> I realise that I've put Helen in a terrible position this week (actually she
> is very, very good with the children - but it really tires her out). Maybe
> if she relaxes and doesn't worry too much about Tom's manners/misbehaviour
> it could be fun.
Mark, I can tell you're a nice guy. I don't want to flame you.
You're not being fair to your wife. You can't lock her up for
12 hours at a time with an ill-mannered little monster and
expect her not to worry about it. Don't even start to think,
"Oh, he's not that bad, really." ALL 4 year olds take a lot of
patience. Tom will be going through an extremely stressful
experience. Not only will he be away from his mom, her SO, and
his siblings, for 12 hours a day he will also be separated from
the father he knows somewhat and be trapped with a virtual
stranger. You're saying that the virtual stranger in question
shouldn't worry that his behavior might tax her patience?
You love these children. You are responsible for them. You
brought them into the world. You also have experience with 4
year olds. You can't say any of these about Helen. For heaven's
sake, the least you can do is help her prepare. Tell her all
you know about Tom, parenting, and 4 year olds. Discuss options
for discipline and appropriate responses to different
behaviors. Brainstorm about things she and Tom can do, places
they can go, ways to work off tension, etc. Tell her that you
don't want a Christmas present, you want her to spend the money
on a full body massage.
> With the limited contact that we have I don't think it's
> possible for us to influence either of the children's behaviour so I try to
> ignore the bad bits and have fun and show them that I do love them even if
> I'm not there.
I can't begin to tell you how much I disagree with you. Every
single thing you do influences their behavior. If you ignore
their bad habits, you reinforce them. What is the point of
having Tom come spend time with you if you are going be gone
virtually the entire time and not even attempt to impart your
values to him while he is there? This may sound cruel, Mark,
but they can have fun without you. Ignoring their behavior and
bad habits is not showing them that you love them. It is
showing them that they are not important enough for you to
attempt to teach them how to get along with others and function
as adults in a very unaccepting world.
Furthermore, if you don't take Helen's concerns seriously, you
will lose your wife. You have asked something completely
unreasonable of her. You obviously ignored, overrode, or talked
her out of her reservations about this visit. Now you are
denying her your support. You are telling her that she should
just put her own feelings and beliefs aside and just not worry
about how Tom acts around her for 12 straight hours. A lesser
woman (me) would hit you over the head with a frying pan. The
absolute least you can do for your wife is reassure her that you
will back up any of her decisions 100 percent. You might also
give her a foot massage.
>
> Hopefully Tom will end the week with some nice memories, even if it is only
> 3hrs per night that he see's me.
> Hopefully Helen will end the week not too worn out, not too upset and you
> never know we may still be madly in love even if there is paint on the
> carpets and marker pen scribbling all over the walls!!!
>
> Hope I havent offended anybody in my ramblings,
>
> Thanks
>
> Mark
I hope the week goes well for all three of you. Best of luck.
Jane
P.S. Please don't be offended if this sounds like an attack. I
don't mean it as one.
Mark Graham Smith
Mark Graham Smith wrote in message <6teu3c$3q0$1...@heliodor.xara.net>...
Hello,
>(This is actually 'Mark' and not my wife Helen this time!!). Thanks for
the
>advice given to my wife, some of it is actually quite useful for myself.
>I've got to admit that in our circumstances it is not ideal for me to be
out
>at work and for Helen to look after Tom (4yo). After many hours spent
>pondering the whole issue we decided that this was probably the best course
>of action to take given the limited choices available with the constraints
>placed on my life at the moment - ie, work, distance to bio-mums res (about
>6hrs return), etc.....it would probably take me quite a long time to
explain
>that fully and really it deviates from the issue.
>
>I've had little contact with the children for about two years now,
sometimes
>not seeing them for six weeks or so, (longer when I was in Bosnia), though
>usually once a month or more. In my minds eye I see young Tom lacking in a
>father figure, ( The girls aswell though I was actively being their father
>in their younger years which I believe to be the most important stage in
>their development ). From Toms point of view, he had a very loving Father
>until he was 2yo, and then I'm gone! (Bio-mum got a new fella actually). I
>think all my children were devastated really though BM does her best to
>convince them that it's best for them. ( Maybe she's right but there is
>nothing to be gained by exploring that now as it's allready happened!).
>
>I am digressing again! With the limited contact that I have with the
>children I have seen a steady decline in their attitudes, manners and
>ambitions. Apparently all the values and manners which were important to
>teach the children from my point of view are now scorned upon. ( I don't
>know why either but that's BM for you).
>
>So, the childrens behaviour does quite often leave a lot to be desired.
>Helen and I agree on this - most things really.
>
>I think that our problems stem from the fact that neither of us has any
>experience of step-parenting. Helen looks to me for advice on this but I'm
>happy for Helen to define her own role and have as little or as much to do
>with the children as she wants. It's simple enough for me, they're my
>children and I love them, always will and can't change that. I think it's
>more difficult for Helen, she married me and not the children, I don't
>expect her to love them but if she does then I don't mind that, anyway you
>can't really plan for that can you?
>
>I realise that I've put Helen in a terrible position this week (actually
she
>is very, very good with the children - but it really tires her out). Maybe
>if she relaxes and doesn't worry too much about Tom's manners/misbehaviour
>it could be fun. With the limited contact that we have I don't think it's
>possible for us to influence either of the children's behaviour so I try to
>ignore the bad bits and have fun and show them that I do love them even if
>I'm not there.
>
>Hopefully Tom will end the week with some nice memories, even if it is only
>3hrs per night that he see's me.
>Hopefully Helen will end the week not too worn out, not too upset and you
>never know we may still be madly in love even if there is paint on the
>carpets and marker pen scribbling all over the walls!!!
>
>
>Hope I havent offended anybody in my ramblings,
>
>Thanks
>
>Mark
>
>
Mark Graham Smith
Mark Graham Smith
Mark Graham Smith
Mark Graham Smith
lilblakdog
and then I had a couple of things to say about your husband's. All very
good, don't worry...there's probably light at the end of your tunnel yet!
I've been in your exact situation and my stepson's a little angle who thinks
the sun rises and sets over my head!
Mark Graham Smith wrote in message <6tccpb$evs$1...@heliodor.xara.net>...
>My husband
>works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who
>is already a very confused little boy. Is it wrong for me to feel like a
>live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out
>of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:
I'll get to the areas in a minute. But first, it's completely natural for
you to feel a little put out by all this. That's not to say that I think
your husband's a bad person, but it's not the most ideal situation for you
to suddenly be at home with a little boy that you are not yet comfortable
with. However, since the world is not made up of ideal situations, you have
to decide a couple of things. If you think that you can put your resentment
aside and be a passable caregiver, then give it a try. You don't have to be
the perfect nanny...believe me, I wasn't! The worst that can happen is you
go a couple of days with handing him a coloring book and some crayons and
you head for the bedroom with a cold compress. But if you think that this
is going to be really hard for you, you have to stand up for your rights.
You can never tell your husband that he can't see his child (okay...change
the "can never" to "should never"), but you can work with him to arrange a
better schedule. It's entirely up to you though...actually, you'd be amazed
at what you're capable of if you just let everything go and think about what
kinds of things *you'd* like to do that you couldn't because you're too old!
> My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step
>children do, they have been taught or rather not taught manners, that I as
a
>person find unacceptable, but who am I to change this behaviour even though
>my husband agrees with me and has seen the deterioration of their general
>well being since the divorce. How can we demand respect in our home when
as
>soon as they go home it is back to the manipulative "care" of their mother?
Hoo, hoo! As Wakanyeja says, "Been there; done that; bought the t-shirt"!
I came into my stepson's life when he was three and he was *nothing* like my
own child would have been! He really hadn't started speaking yet (still
hadn't really started, if he didn't have to, when he was seven!) and
generally had the run of the house. Things got progressively worse, too.
By the time he was four, he refused to say please or thank you, he'd break
my things on purpose, and he refused to learn my name (I was "the big
girl"). That was when I started stepping in.
We'd been doing the "What can I do...he just goes back to his mother?"
thing. We learned that it was entirely possible to have two seperate sets
of rules. There are things that are acceptable in Momma's house and things
that are acceptable in ours...and I'm thinking that never the two shall
meet! It takes a little while (a few hours...maybe a day if we haven't seen
him in a long time) to remind him of that when he gets here, but he gets
into the swing of things pretty easily. When he's at our house, he says
please and thank you; he asks for things, rather than pointing to them and
wimpering; he is polite and courtious to other children and in public
places; he puts his dishes in the dishwasher after meals; he does
approximately an hour of "school work" each evening before bed and he sleeps
with his stuffed animals beside the bed rather than in. At Momma's house,
she still cuts up his chicken nuggets or anything else he has for dinner and
it's play-play-play 24 hours a day!
It's a slow process, but if you instill your own values into him when he's
there, he'll remember those things when he comes back. Take a couple of
things at a time so he doesn't think you're being critical or rejecting him,
but eventually you'll get to all of them and find that--regardless of how he
acts at his mother's house--he's your dream child when he's with you.
>1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand
>and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink
>neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".
I agree with other posts--don't take him out in public unless absolutely
necessary! If he's unable to control his behavior in a playground (and by
that I mean being friendly and courtious to other children), then he doesn't
get the priviledge of playing in one. Try to do all your shopping when your
husband is there or before the visit. If something is necessary, then it's
necessary, but you can avoid most of that with a little planning.
Another thing that we tried is to find less popular playgrounds and take him
there after dinner, when most of the other children have gone home. Then
he's free to run around and wreak as much havoc as possible!
>2, If Tom decides to wreck furniture and generally be a pain in the arse
>and I get inches away from wanting to smack him, is shutting him in his
room
>and asking him to stay there until he can behave, a suitable way to deal
>with the situation considering that really I have no say whatsoever in the
>upbringing of this child.
Try not to smack him. Sending him to his room is wonderful. I tell my
stepson to sit on his bed and not to leave the bed for half an hour. By
that time, he's usually out cold in a well-needed nap.
Opinions differ on this group, but I've found that thinking you have no say
will drive you quickly insane. You have every say in your own home. You
and your husband should discuss discipline tactics between the two of you,
but when you're alone with him you have every right to protect you and
yours. Use the tactics that you've agreed on and eventually he'll come to
realize that certain behaviour is unacceptable.
I hope that this works out for you, Helen. My best wishes are with
you--believe me, I've been there and wouldn't do it again for anything in
the world! Well, actually I kind of like my stepson...maybe I would! :-)
Feel free to e-mail me anytime.
lil
lilblakdog
Mark Graham Smith wrote in message <6teu3c$3q0$1...@heliodor.xara.net>...
>Hello,
>
>(This is actually 'Mark' and not my wife Helen this time!!).
Hi Mark! I've already responded to Helen, but I saw a familiar red flag or
two in your post, so I thought I'd like to add a couple of things.
>I think that our problems stem from the fact that neither of us has any
>experience of step-parenting. Helen looks to me for advice on this but I'm
>happy for Helen to define her own role and have as little or as much to do
>with the children as she wants.
Very important thing for you to remember...this seems to be every
bioparent's original idea, but it never works that way. Everything Helen
does or says or thinks will affect your children. Therefore, she's already
in it up to her neck. If she decides that she doesn't want much to do with
them, they'll feel rejected and resent her. So she really has no choice but
to jump in with all four feet and sink or swim!
I know...my husband still says the same thing to me, after five years. He
doesn't seem to realize that small children don't see it that way! If she's
there, she's a part of their lives and the way she responds to them will
shape their entire relationship with her.
>I think it's
>more difficult for Helen, she married me and not the children, I don't
>expect her to love them but if she does then I don't mind that, anyway you
>can't really plan for that can you?
I bet it is more difficult for Helen. I mean, you meet the man of your
dreams, but he comes with a child or three that you don't know and aren't
sure that you want. It takes a lot of courage and commitment to get into
these relationships!
And, you know...I never in a million years dreamed that I would love my
stepson. And I have to tell you, I resented him for a long time. But now
that black and white that is yours not mine is really pretty grey. I love
him dearly and I'm tremendously proud of him...he's as much mine as he would
be if I'd adopted him!
>I realise that I've put Helen in a terrible position this week (actually
she
>is very, very good with the children - but it really tires her out). Maybe
>if she relaxes and doesn't worry too much about Tom's manners/misbehaviour
>it could be fun. With the limited contact that we have I don't think it's
>possible for us to influence either of the children's behaviour so I try to
>ignore the bad bits and have fun and show them that I do love them even if
>I'm not there.
Oh, Mark, you can't ignore the bad bits. You'd be amazed how quickly kids
can learn the difference between mom's house and dad's house and what's
appropriate in each. My stepson is my dream child when he's with us...when
we go visit his mom's house we see what a little hellion he really is! Try
to guide, not criticize. Give lots of love and encouragement when they're
being good and be understanding but firm when they're being bad. You can
make a world of difference, believe me.
We see my stepson about one weekend out of every six weeks, with a week at
Christmas and spring break and a month in the summer. Naturally our month
is the most rewarding, but we've managed to instill a lot of good values and
bahavior during just the weekends, too. Kids love boundaries...it really is
true. They'll have a lot more respect for a parent that cared about the
kind of adult they'd become than they would about one who just let them run
wild.
>Hopefully Tom will end the week with some nice memories, even if it is only
>3hrs per night that he see's me.
If you make good use of those 3 hours, I'm sure he will. It's true that
he's going to benefit from whatever quality time you're able to spend with
him.
>Hopefully Helen will end the week not too worn out, not too upset and you
>never know we may still be madly in love even if there is paint on the
>carpets and marker pen scribbling all over the walls!!!
Hmm...well, I wouldn't go that far! :-)
Please feel free to e-mail me personally if I can be of any more help. I
love to talk and I'm just full of relatively useful advice!
lil
Pat Winstanley
writes
>Sticking him in his room until he
>learns how to behave could last decades. Of course, you have to
>put some distance between you if you think you might hurt the
>child. Sometimes you have to give yourself a time out until YOU
>get control of yourself again.
Excellent point, and one that the child-discipline/care books often miss
out... ADULTS NEED TIME-OUT FROM KIDS!!!!
--
Pat Winstanley
Pat Winstanley
<vjr...@canoe.xcski.com> writes
>You seem to feel that this relationship with your stepson is going
>to start out as an adversarial one; you're not looking forward to the
>opportunity to get to know Tom or to share some of your favorite things
>with him, to bring yourself into your husband's and Tom's established
>relationship.
It's difficult to bring a child into a home and lifestyle that isn't
used to a child of that age.
I'm noticing it now. The kids here are teenagers and know not to fiddle
(destructively) with stuff that is within reach but doesn't belong to
them... a two-year-old as an occasional visitor behaves impeccably (for
a two-year-old ;-)) but has all the others in the household sweeping up
in front of him before his curiosity about what he sees translates to
his fingers! ;-))
I now know why grandparents are happy to provide a place for toddlers
and early schoolers for a day or two, but need a day or two's notice
beforehand to childproof their home BEFORE 'horrible' and 'terrible'
arrive! :-)
The thing to do is have things around suitable and fun for the age of
the child that it doesn't *matter* if they get spoilt or broken by
little fingers... put your best vases and limited edition books *away*
beforehand!
Buy a cheap egg-timer (sand-glass thing), ornaments that are kid-proof,
a set of plastic cups, plates and cutlery for the child to copy you with
as you use the precious china versions, a set of washable crayons/paints
and a large batch of coloured paper and self-gummed shapes and washable
glue... cover the carpets under (and around for some distance) the
dining table with rugs/platic sheets and the table-top with a plastic
tablecloth... cover the guest-bed matress with a plastic sheet under the
ordinary sheet if the child is apt to 'leak' during the night and buy in
some extra fabric-washing detergent and stain removers!... etc, etc...
--
Pat Winstanley
Pat Winstanley
writes
>He said his goal was to have the child "benefit from spending time
>with his father." I agree that the child probably would benefit,
>and the father probably would benefit, and that this is a great and
>admirable goal.
>
>My question is, when, exactly, did Dad think this "time" was going
>to happen, if he is going to be working 12 out of the 24 hours of the
>days when his kid is around??
Indeed... spending time in the father's home is nothing like spending
time with the father.
--
Pat Winstanley