Kind of a sad situation....
Daisy
mom a year ago. His father canceled his visitation two weeks ago because he
wanted to take his new wife shopping for Christmas....no biggie, however,
this weekend he brought him home 12 hours early because she wanted to go out
of town, two hours away to go shopping again.....knowing he would not be
back in time to get him home for a school project he had to do that evening,
he brought him home. I guess as hard as I'm trying I just don't understand,
why can't she see that spending time with his father is what he needs right
now?? He lost his brother to death, he lost his parents to divorce, he
needs the love of his father....dad told her he did not want to go and they
had a big blow out over it....ending up giving in to her and taking her
shopping. Why can't she make these trips on the weekend our son is not with
his dad? Anyway my son was put in the middle of it all and to be honest was
quite upset that he did not get to spend the time with his father that he
wanted to. The new wife isn't a bad person, but I can't for the life of me
understand what she is trying to do?
Daisy
Anne Robotti
own and believe me, I know how you hurt when they hurt.
But, I think the best thing to do might be to assume that she's not
"trying to do" anything but get her Christmas shopping done. And maybe
a little bit of "Which one of us do you love?" but maybe *not*. Has
she prevented your ex from spending extra time with his son on other
weekends to make up for it, or time during the week?
Anne
MR Brunjes
I tend to agree with what Anne said. Your son's stepmom has only had to
take him into consideration for a year. I've known my SO & his daughter for
10 months now & I still keep forgetting to take her into consideration
sometimes when I make plans. In my case, I'm simply not used to being
around children. For instance, I'll plan for us to do something & not
really understand how short an attention span an 8 year old can have. :)
Your son's SM may have known your son for a year but she doesn't really
*know* him that well. She spends 12 out of 14 days not having to include
him in her plans at all - it might sometimes be hard to remember very well
those other 2 days.
On the other hand, your son is (I would think) getting to an age where he
can begin talking to his dad (if he's not comfortable with talking to his
SM) about stuff. For instance, your son could (if it's okay with you) call
his dad & arrange to make up that 12 hours he missed this last weekend. And
depending on if your ex listens to you, you might be able to suggest to him
that when he needs to change plans that he talk it over with your son & make
alternate arrangements. Wouldn't that be nice if your son & his dad could
negotiate these things out? :)
Take care of yourselves,
Melody
Daisy <da...@par1.net> wrote in message
news:s5a7so...@corp.supernews.com...
Daisy
overprotective of my son....I guess you could understand why though....it
just kind of hurt that he didn't get to spend the time with his father, but
you're right, she probably did have to get her shopping done. I find it
very hard to dislike the woman, I mean she did after all come into my life
and kind of turn it upside down, but on the other hand I'm really glad she
was there for my husband after our son died, I wasn't the wife I should of
been, grieving the way I did, I just could not bring it upon myself to help
him with his grief and I do feel guilty about that. Anyway...thanks for the
advice!!
Daisy
"MR Brunjes" <MBru...@Erols.Com> wrote in message
news:833rvd$jle$1...@autumn.news.rcn.net...
Sarai
lose a child. You seem very strong.
*hugs*
heather m.
Daisy wrote in message ...
Daisy
for the prayers hon, I sure could use them!
Daisy
"Sarai" <heat...@ipa.net> wrote in message
news:83485k$37g$2...@news.ipa.net...
sweet...@webtv.net
is jealous, insecure and maybe feels threatened by her husband's love
for his son and wants to see that maybe hubby will put her first and
that gives her the satisfaction of knowing it. I think, if you can, try
to talk to your ex and explain what you just posted here. It sounded
reasonable to me. That's so long as you two are capable of
communicating. He may get defensive on behalf of his wife, too. Or if it
isn't an inonvenience if ex tries to do it again, ask if he would like
make-up time on your weekend, or through the week "for your son's sake
that is" :-) (he may get the hint) Only you can make that choice. If
not, continue to love your son as much as possible.
That's my opinion and I'm new to all this myself. I'm basing this on
relationships I had in the past with men that had kids and how I felt.
My husband's opinion is...
This problem you are having with your ex and his new wife is not that
uncommon. He believes one reason the ex may be doing this is to not have
conflicts with his new wife. His true opinion is... something newlywed
husband's go out of their way in doing is pleasing the new wife. The new
wife may be more demanding on him when your son is around. Even though
this isn't "good" behavior on her part. It's also her way of getting
recognition without even realizing she is doing it. Something your ex
needs to realize, his 16 yo son is very close to becoming a man and over
the next couple years, every minute he spends with him needs to be the
most important thing. Because it won't be much longer that his son wont
have as much of a need for him.
Always,
Sylvia and Larry
Daisy wrote...
Nikki Murphy
I'm 5 years in to being a custodial stepmom to my 10 yr old SS and non custodial
to my 5 year old step daughter (different moms).
We used to have a 'new' or 'difficult' relationship with BM2 - the mother of my
SD. She lives 200 miles away so we see her once a month for the day. We don't
push for more visitation generally - BM used to be very difficult. She'd send
solicitors letters over the slightest thing. So, we've stuck religiously to once
a month for 4 years.
However we got married in September. Our visitation with SD was due the
following weekend. It's very tiring going to see her and takes our whole
weekend. So, just once, we decided we'd miss that visit. Now we knew BM would
offer us the following weekend, but as we'd go so much going on, we decided we'd
miss the visit - once wouldn't do any harm, and so we did. BM was fine about it
- and we were quite relieved. Now it's Christmas. We saw SD as normal beginning
of December. We're going to Barcelona on Friday for Christmas so knew we
couldn't see her then. So we tried to see her this weekend just gone instead.
But BM was away with her so we couldn't. So we shan't see her until January.
BM has been fine about it and we feel okay about it. Sometimes extreme
circumstances mean we need to be a bit flexible about visitation and
fortunately, these days BM is chilled out enough not to worry about it and not
to think it's something that it's not.
I think, as this is Christmas and you're quite early into the 'having a stepmom
for your kid' stage you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's probably
just panic about getting her Christmas shopping done (hey they may be buying
presents for your son too while they are out!). Perhaps they also would like to
make up for the hours that they've missed but think they'll get a bad reaction
from you if they ask for it? I'm not saying you've ever flipped out or anything
but it would be very natural for them to not know it's okay to ask you for extra
time or to be flexible. Perhaps just casually say to them - 'hey son really
missed the usual time with you, so let me know if you want to make it up by
adding another day on or something - that's cool.' Just be casual and plant the
seed, and the next time they need you to be flexible for extenuating
circumstances they'll know you're happy to do these things.
Just a suggestion!
Cheers
Nikki
Anne Robotti
very well? Once a month for a few hours, do you ever just wonder
what the point is? Do you think she does? Do you all get bonded and
feel like a family in that little amount of time? Do you have regular
phone calls and letters in the in-between time?
Anne
Nikki Murphy
nieces, both parents and stepparents. Not one managed to notice we hadn't got SD
with us! DH's sister commented to me how strange it was with SD and how little she
feels that there is a family connection. There is a lot of wondering about whether
SD is actually DH's child or not - I think she probably is, but none of the family
feel connected to her.
I certainly don't and neither does DH. Mind you BM vanished with SD after she was
born. He saw her once. The next time he saw her she was 18 months old so he missed
the baby bonding. They've never, ever lived together as a family. So it's all a bit
wierd.
SS talks about his little sister, quite 'fancifully' when she's not around and i
think that's just he likes having a sister. When they're together they just drive
each other mad.
So no we don't know her. We don't have a bond with her. We don't keep in touch in
between visits either. We don't feel like a family. I DO wonder what the point is.
From my totally selfish perspective I would quite happily let it go. Except, SD
does seem to know that DH is her Dad (well she calls him Dad) but I don't think she
knows what a Dad is. All of her mom's pals are single moms and she's seen us so
little for it to be pointless.
Our basic goal is to simply ensure that SD knows who her Dad is. It's almost like
she's been adopted by someone else and we're just making sure she knows where she
came from.
Problem was you see bM was so restrictive in the beginning, and until about a year
ago actually that SD never got the opportunity to really bond with her Dad, her
brother, or me. She's actually closer to me than her father. I think that's only
cos I'm the same shape as her mom if you know what I mean!
Wierd huh?
Nikki
Nikki Murphy
We've only ever seen SD between the hours of 12 and 6pm. We've never bathed her,
slept in the same house with her, ate breakfast with her. She's never seen SS in
his pyjamas. She's never been to our house. She doesn't know where we live. She
doesn't even understand that we live far away.
So that makes it even wierder.
N
merrie
I can't help but to think about this and the ramification it has - when
you give birth - on Ben. His current understanding of "little sister" is
soooo different from the next level of reality.
Merrie
Nikki Murphy wrote in message <3856529E...@impactwp.com>...
Nikki Murphy
so different from us. She lives under very different rules, morals, etc. She
behaves in ways SS knows are not acceptable. So I'm hoping that having someone
else around that has to live by the same rules we give him will have a positive
effect!
He's also 10 now though so I would hope he's old enough after explanation to get
why it's different with a little brother or sister that you live with compared
to one you see for 6 hours once a month.
!
Nikki
merrie
remember Steven telling me what days my baby would be going to visits with
his mom.
Merrie
Nikki Murphy wrote in message <385683AC...@impactwp.com>...
Nikki Murphy
what days the baby would go with steven to see Steven's mom?
(shudder)
n
merrie
my newborn go visit his mom on Thursdays. He was thinking the baby would be
going by herself.
M
Nikki Murphy wrote in message <385688C2...@impactwp.com>...
Nikki Murphy
Well at least SS is old enough to know that any baby won't visit his Mom either
with or without SS. He's old enough to understand the logic of that. However if
she ever asks to take any baby of mine out with her (or toddler or child) he/she
won't be going. Period. But I also think that SS wouldn't want that either.
The only thing I am worried about is who is 'sister' and 'brother' etc. I'm
happy with SS being big brother, but not so happy about SD being big sister. But
then, we see her so little that I'm hoping it won't come up too much. I just
don't like the thought of that.
N
jane lawrence
>
>
> The only thing I am worried about is who is 'sister' and 'brother' etc. I'm
> happy with SS being big brother, but not so happy about SD being big sister. But
> then, we see her so little that I'm hoping it won't come up too much. I just
> don't like the thought of that.
>
That's odd, Nikki. Is it something about the girl? Do you not
like the idea of your kid having a sister she rarely sees?
jane
Nikki Murphy
thinking about when I had children with regards to SS. Mainly because he and I used to
have no relationship other than him taking out all of his feelings on me and our house
was a nightmare. Once we started getting closer and he starting handling his problems
better, our relationship changed dramatically, and so I became comfortable with the
idea.
With my SD - part of it is any child of mine having a sister that we all rarely see.
Part of it is that as we (me DH and SS) have little relationship and therefore little
input into the raising of this girl. Her whole life, behaviour etc is completely
different to our family. Her behaviour in public is often embarrassing. There are many
of the same types of things - and the whole family (DH's parents and sisters included)
feel the same about her behaviour etc. So all in all the whole thing makes me
uncomfortable. I just don't feel that she's the 'same' as us.
Explain it at all? I can't really even tell you concisely as it's something that is
just coming up for me....
Nikki
jane lawrence
>
> It's a big combination of things - and yes I know it's odd. I used to get very angry
> thinking about when I had children with regards to SS. Mainly because he and I used to
> have no relationship other than him taking out all of his feelings on me and our house
> was a nightmare. Once we started getting closer and he starting handling his problems
> better, our relationship changed dramatically, and so I became comfortable with the
> idea.
>
> With my SD - part of it is any child of mine having a sister that we all rarely see.
> Part of it is that as we (me DH and SS) have little relationship and therefore little
> input into the raising of this girl. Her whole life, behaviour etc is completely
> different to our family. Her behaviour in public is often embarrassing. There are many
> of the same types of things - and the whole family (DH's parents and sisters included)
> feel the same about her behaviour etc. So all in all the whole thing makes me
> uncomfortable. I just don't feel that she's the 'same' as us.
>
> Explain it at all? I can't really even tell you concisely as it's something that is
> just coming up for me....
I'm in a similar situation. BD has adult brothers. They're
hard for her to relate to as siblings. They were both taller
than I was when she was born. I have a fairly recent picture of
the boys, BD, and their dad. They're all at least a foot and a
half taller than she is.
It's different, though. Since my ex and I split up when BD was
so young, the boys weren't so much "not us" as they were
relatives in limbo. It's always bothered me that they were her
brothers and they didn't really know each other.
Last year one brother had a baby. I felt sad, because it
indicated that he was lost to her forever somehow. Now he was
an adult with a family of his own that BD would never fit into.
Wrong, again. They've never been closer. The baby is the first
thing they've ever really been comfortable talking about.
Anyway, there's something creepy about your kid having siblings,
close blood relations, that aren't related to you at all and
whom you don't know much at all.
jane
HR
Heather