How do you get past this?
Didi Jakubowski
family and our relationship.
My SD is 7 1/2 years old, and she has been the only child for both of her
parents. We are expecting a baby and so is her BM. SD lives in MI (about 5
1/2 hours away from us in Chicago), and she visits with us 2 weekends a month,
1 week in winter, alternating spring breaks, and 3 months in the summer. This
visitation schedule is relatively new as prior to our involvement together, DH
simply got SD whenever BM felt like allowing it. She has never spent so much
time wih him before.
Problem: SD is very, very spoiled. This has been a problem since DH and I
started dating as I am a very strict mother (being a single mother for 5+
years, I had to be strict, or my kids would walk all over me). I believe in
limits and consequences, and I believe that one of the most important things to
teach children in that they need to be responsible for their behavior. My
children are very happy, well adjusted kids, so I must be doing something
right! :) Anyway, SD comes to town, and all limits get thrown out the window.
She speaks to us however she chooses, she is not made to respect either of us,
she does whatever she feels, and she gets away with murder with her father.
When I am watching her, I set limits on her, and she and I have gotten into
some major power struggles because she doesn't want to pull her weight. (she
can't get dressed by herself, she can't pour herself a cup of water, she can't
pick up after herself, etc.) My children are starting to resent the fact that
while Mike can certainly set limits on my children, he doesn't with her. He
and I argue about it, we discuss it, he says that he sees what he is doing
wrong, but he doesn't correct it -- he says that he overcompensates because he
feels guilty that he doesn't get to see her all the time. I suggested that he
resume counseling to deal with this issue because it certainly is not going to
help his daughter, and he did go to the counselor, but he did not choose to
discuss this issue though it is a MAJOR problem here (he shared what they
discussed voluntarily).
I have begun to resent her visits -- I refuse to have my life run by a 7 year
old. My stomache turns to knots the Thurs. night before I know that she is
coming. I know that this is not good for any of us, but I don't know how to
handle it further.
Any suggestions?
P.S. My DH and I do not argue about anything else, but we spend a lot of time
arguing about this issue.
Didi
Mother to Caitlin, 10, Patrick, 8, Meagan, 6, and Step-mother to Kayla, 7.
"A dead thing can go with a stream, only a living thing can go against it."
G.K. Chesterton
Didi Jakubowski
>Didi, if your husband accepts that SD's behaviour is a problem for your
marriage, and for her relationship, how does he justify not addressing it?
He says that he *knows* that he needs to get better at setting limits, and his
only justification is that he feels guilty because she is not here all of the
time. To his credit, some things have improved since we first met -- she now
has a bedtime like the other kids (she used to stay up til all hours watching
t.v. while my kids marched off to bed at 8:30p.m.), she sleeps in her bed (she
used to be allowed to sleep on a pull-out bed in his room), but she is allowed
to come into our home and address me *if* she feels like it....she doesn't have
to pick up after herself, etc. She is also allowed to speak to us anyway that
she pleases. For example, she will scream at her father, kick her father, etc.
to get her way. I can't tolerate that.
I know that this lifestyle cannot be good for her, either. She is presently in
play therapy once a week in MI because she is apparently acting out with BM,
too. I'd like to blame this on the expected babies, but this has been going on
to varying degrees since we met. She now, however, resents me because she sees
me as the disciplinarian and will often say to dad that she "wishes" things
could be the way that they were before -- ie when she had total say and
control.
>What would he say, in response to your post?
Good question -- I'll let you know after I show him tonight!! ;)
Donna, do you have children, too, or is your DH's daughter the only one in your
home? I think that this has a lot to do with it because my biggest concern is
that my children are feeling the inequalities, and I am tired of living with
this myself. Perhas your SD won't start acting out -- I wish this for you!!
Thanks!
Didi Jakubowski
try them. I truly agree with you that she in unhappy here, and I know that I
have been unhappy when she's been here the last few months. I am actually
going to show my DH your last post because I think that you summarized so
nicely how children feel.
Btw, you should feel more confident with your posts because whether or not
you've had much experience in this arena, you sure seem to have a good
understanding of the way things are! ;)
Good luck with your planned pregnancy -- ours was very much a surprise (from a
doctor and a nurse, no less), but we are finally adjusting to the idea of yet
another factor to be involved in our already too far extended lives......
As for your other concerns, the money factor will get better when he is done
with his residency, and babies don't need all that much when they are little.
The time factor....well, that's another thing that really doesn't get any
better because they finish their residencies (unless he's going into plastic
surgery or some field that doesn't require 24/7 responsibility). He is
fortunate to have a woman who seems to understand the concept of "quality" time
vs. "quantity" time. Just know that when you do have a baby of your own, you
will really want to have that play group/social group that someone else
suggested because you will need regular, outside contact!!
Again, thanks!!
Deborah
I have three BK's and 2 SK that come every second weekend. I am sure
if you asked my DH, he would say that my kids lacked discipline when
we married. I think they were just fine. They were polite, well
mannered children that pretty much did as they were told. I would say
his children lacked discipline when we were married compared to my
children. LOL. Guess its all in the way you look at things.
He was quick to correct my children but when his children would come,
it was like he didn't even notice his kids were misbehaving. If my
child had done the same thing, he would have jumped all over it. I
think that is just human nature.
Blaring discrepancies drove me nuts. It was very difficult to help my
daughter get over her fear of the dark. He was very insistant. I
would have given up and turned on a light, but my DH was firm.
Anyway, my daughter got used to it with alot of late night
reassurances from me. When his daughter would come, he would leave
the light on. His daughter is a few months older than mine. Gimmee a
break here. Little things like the light incident really stuck in my
throat. I ended up turning all the lights out and sitting with both
girls and reassuring them that dark was a peaceful place. I really
watch for these things because, like you, I worry about what effect
this will have on my children.
I think its common for some NCP to try to make up for lost time and
let the kids run a bit wild. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with
though. I was feeling like my kids were all of a sudden second class
citizens in there own home.. he was feeling totally worried cause he
thought his kids would be jealous of mine and the time he spends with
mine. He tried to make them feel extra special when they did come but
i was worried it was at the expense of my children.
Reading the newsgroup really helped me. We have one set of rules now
for all the kids. His kids adjusted. He adjusted. I adjusted.. My
kids adjusted, I guess we are still adjusting..
Anyway, no real concrete advise... but wanted to let you know that we
are going through the same thing.. Its a challenge every weekend the
kids come. The kids will follow the parents lead. We sat them all
down and said these are "our families rules" They are in effect for
all family members when they are here.
Deb
On 22 Dec 1999 16:26:03 GMT, didi...@aol.comnospam (Didi Jakubowski)
wrote:
merrie
I don't know if I'm going to make any sense here...
There's a difference between living together and visiting. For two
weekends a month, a week at winter and spring breaks, SD is visiting. For
three months in the summer she's living there. Members of the household and
visitors have different sets of rules for a reason. Visitor's are treated
more leniently because presumably as visitor's they are unaware of the
rules. To hold them to the same standard as members of the household, would
cause parents to be *constantly* correcting them. Part of feeling guilty
about not seeing the child more often, results in a strong desire to not
spend what little time there is constantly correcting. I don't know if I
could make myself do this, even if I rationally thought that's what I should
be doing.
Perhaps there's a way to separate out the behaviors that you truly
require SD to do - like speaking respectfully to parents, from the not so
important ones like picking up after herself. I'm thinking that maybe your
DH can bring himself to correct her for the big issues, and that your
children can accept the reality that she doesn't know all the rules since
she doesn't live there.
During Summer however, I think I would take a stronger stance and would
want DH to also. But then, I'd have time to work with teaching her all the
rules too. Hope DH is willing to work on this.
Merrie
Didi Jakubowski wrote in message
<19991222112603...@ng-fo1.aol.com>...
jane lawrence
>
> I have a concern with my DH and my SD, and it is really interfering with our
> family and our relationship.
>
> My SD is 7 1/2 years old, and she has been the only child for both of her
> parents. We are expecting a baby and so is her BM. SD lives in MI (about 5
> 1/2 hours away from us in Chicago), and she visits with us 2 weekends a month,
> 1 week in winter, alternating spring breaks, and 3 months in the summer. This
> visitation schedule is relatively new as prior to our involvement together, DH
> simply got SD whenever BM felt like allowing it. She has never spent so much
> time wih him before.
>
> Problem: SD is very, very spoiled. This has been a problem since DH and I
> started dating as I am a very strict mother (being a single mother for 5+
> years, I had to be strict, or my kids would walk all over me). I believe in
> limits and consequences, and I believe that one of the most important things to
> teach children in that they need to be responsible for their behavior. My
> children are very happy, well adjusted kids, so I must be doing something
> right! :)
The thing is, no matter how good a mother you are, you're not
*her* mother. If you believe in limits and consequences and
responsibility, then that's how you're going to raise your
kids. But this isn't your kid, and you aren't raising her.
This is DH's kid. He has to decide what's best and set the
limits for his child.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you really can't win.
You will never convince your husband to allow you to raise his
kid according what you think is best, if he feels a different
way. It's easy to understand if you think about how you would
feel if he was all over you all the time about being too strict
with your own kids. You think you're right. You feel obliged
to raise your children the best way you know how. You can't
expect DH to do something that you would not do - raise your
children according to someone else's dictates.
> Anyway, SD comes to town, and all limits get thrown out the window.
> She speaks to us however she chooses, she is not made to respect either of us,
> she does whatever she feels, and she gets away with murder with her father.
> When I am watching her, I set limits on her, and she and I have gotten into
> some major power struggles because she doesn't want to pull her weight. (she
> can't get dressed by herself, she can't pour herself a cup of water, she can't
> pick up after herself, etc.)
You're fighting with DH all the time about things that are
really none of your business. For example, what she gets away
with with her father has nothing to do with you or your kids.
If he wants to dress her, get her water, and pick up after her,
let him. What are you doing getting into power struggles with a
7 year old? I know you have better things to do with your
time. If she doesn't behave when you watch her, then don't
watch her. It's not your job. Neither is getting her water or
dressing her or picking up after her.
> My children are starting to resent the fact that
> while Mike can certainly set limits on my children, he doesn't with her.
This is none of your kids' business, either. If Mike is setting
limits with your kids, I assume a lot of them are in accordance
with your wishes. If they're not, then discuss it with him.
Just remember that it's a separate issue. Don't drag SD into
it.
> He
> and I argue about it, we discuss it, he says that he sees what he is doing
> wrong, but he doesn't correct it -- he says that he overcompensates because he
> feels guilty that he doesn't get to see her all the time. I suggested that he
> resume counseling to deal with this issue because it certainly is not going to
> help his daughter, and he did go to the counselor, but he did not choose to
> discuss this issue though it is a MAJOR problem here (he shared what they
> discussed voluntarily).
>
> I have begun to resent her visits -- I refuse to have my life run by a 7 year
> old. My stomache turns to knots the Thurs. night before I know that she is
> coming. I know that this is not good for any of us, but I don't know how to
> handle it further.
>
> Any suggestions?
> P.S. My DH and I do not argue about anything else, but we spend a lot of time
> arguing about this issue.
>
Plan your weekends and vacations ahead of time so that you will
not be in uncomfortable situations with your SD. At least for
the time being, spend as little time with her as possible and
keep your mouth shut about anything that does not directly
involve you. The less you involve yourself in SD's life, the
easier that is to do. Let DH discipline her and care for her.
You've forced DH into a position where he is always the good
cop. If you want him to discipline his child more, then that is
the last thing you should do. As it stands now, he never gets a
chance to decide that SD needs limits set because you're always
there ahead of him. He always flips into defense mode because
he feels you're attacking his baby. If you back off, your
anxiety will decrease, and DH will have a chance to get some
experience setting limits.
jane lawrence
smoo...@my-deja.com
> The thing is, no matter how good a mother you are, you're not
> *her* mother. If you believe in limits and consequences and
> responsibility, then that's how you're going to raise your
> kids. But this isn't your kid, and you aren't raising her.
> This is DH's kid. He has to decide what's best and set the
> limits for his child.
I have been reading this and I am sorry if this may upset you Jane, but
I think you are totally off on this one.
There should be no distinctions between the children and I don't care
how much or how little the time is spent at NCP's home. There are some
parental issues and expectations of children that are across the board
for all parents. And although she isn't the bio mom, she is her
mother. They decide together what is best for their children (her and
hubby).
> I know you don't want to hear this, but you really can't win.
> You will never convince your husband to allow you to raise his
> kid according what you think is best, if he feels a different
> way. It's easy to understand if you think about how you would
> feel if he was all over you all the time about being too strict
> with your own kids. You think you're right. You feel obliged
> to raise your children the best way you know how. You can't
> expect DH to do something that you would not do - raise your
> children according to someone else's dictates.
She can and should expect her husband to treat all of the children
equally. And DH isn't just "someone", he is her husband and her
dictates should be considered.
> You're fighting with DH all the time about things that are
> really none of your business. For example, what she gets away
> with with her father has nothing to do with you or your kids.
> If he wants to dress her, get her water, and pick up after her,
> let him. What are you doing getting into power struggles with a
> 7 year old? I know you have better things to do with your
> time. If she doesn't behave when you watch her, then don't
> watch her. It's not your job. Neither is getting her water or
> dressing her or picking up after her.
It is definitely her business. Children are keenly aware of how the
other one is treated. And BTW, she is way too old for her father to be
dressing her. That would piss me off too.
Although I do agree with you about the power struggles. Actually,
there is no struggle since SD is a child and has no really power
anyway. But I know what she means.
Also, it is her job to watch SD. She is her daughter as well.
> This is none of your kids' business, either. If Mike is setting
> limits with your kids, I assume a lot of them are in accordance
> with your wishes. If they're not, then discuss it with him.
> Just remember that it's a separate issue. Don't drag SD into
> it.
It is their business how their siblings are being treated verse their
treatment.
> Plan your weekends and vacations ahead of time so that you will
> not be in uncomfortable situations with your SD. At least for
> the time being, spend as little time with her as possible and
> keep your mouth shut about anything that does not directly
> involve you. The less you involve yourself in SD's life, the
> easier that is to do. Let DH discipline her and care for her.
> You've forced DH into a position where he is always the good
> cop. If you want him to discipline his child more, then that is
> the last thing you should do. As it stands now, he never gets a
> chance to decide that SD needs limits set because you're always
> there ahead of him. He always flips into defense mode because
> he feels you're attacking his baby. If you back off, your
> anxiety will decrease, and DH will have a chance to get some
> experience setting limits.
Her husband has to come to terms with a lot, but not correcting the SD
does not help her. Remember this is about raising SD to be a good
productive citizen. That can't happen if she is raised in a world
where it revolves around her. If she has no limits or rules, she will
be SOL when she gets of age and realizes how different things are in
the real world.
Smoochie
>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Boatinlady
or how little the time is spent at NCP's home.>>
Smoochie,
My ss is not with us much, but he is still expected to clear his dishes from
the table, pick up toys he's played with, make the bed when he gets
up.......you get the idea. My kids, OTOH, are expected to do more, because they
are older and they live with us. So, I guess we don't equally divide chores
around our home.
> And although she isn't the bio mom, she is her mother. They decide together
what is best for their children (her and hubby).>>
I don't agree. My ss HAS a mother, and it's not me. My ss's parents (my dh
and BM) make the decisions regarding my ss. I have no real input when it comes
to ss except when it concerns something that may happen in OUR home. Other
than that, I am my dh's wife, and to ss that means he has another adult to
listen to and respect, but, IMHO, does not mean he has another "mother".
Of course, if BM was not in the picture, or if we were CP, my opinion may be
different.
Pat
jane lawrence
>
> > The thing is, no matter how good a mother you are, you're not
> > *her* mother. If you believe in limits and consequences and
> > responsibility, then that's how you're going to raise your
> > kids. But this isn't your kid, and you aren't raising her.
> > This is DH's kid. He has to decide what's best and set the
> > limits for his child.
>
> I think you are totally off on this one.
>
I don't have much to add to what Pat said. The kid has a mother
and a father. It's hard enough for divorced parents to agree on
how the kids should be raised. The last thing you need is
another country heard from.
Also, I think it's a mistake to devote a lot of energy to a
battle you cannot win. You only get your way if the kid's
parents back up your position. If they don't agree with your
point of view, you can't enforce it. You can probably coerce or
persuade your mate about some things, especially if they
directly effect you. So if you pick your battles, you can often
get your way on the issues most important to you, like the kid
addressing you with respect or not punching your own kids. Also,
I think there's less friction if the step is the more lenient
parent. Other than that, if you want to parent your way, you've
got to marry someone who thinks like you do.
jane
Bree
jane lawrence wrote in message
> I don't have much to add to what Pat said. The kid has a mother
> and a father. It's hard enough for divorced parents to agree on
> how the kids should be raised. The last thing you need is
> another country heard from.
I needed to hear this. Keep repeating it to me till it's
branded in my head?
--
Bree
a=seabreeze
b=adelphia
Didi Jakubowski
thread -- my AOL seems to pick and choose what it wants to show me.....
I *think* what was said was that I shouldn't have any say in how she is raised
in my own home, or something to that effect. I would agree IF she were not
being left with me to watch her when she is here and IF I didn't have children
who were abiding by the rules and expectations of the home. My DH agrees with
me when it comes to the rules and expectations -- he preaches these same things
to the parents of his patients. He has NO trouble setting limits and following
through on consequences with my children. It is simply the fact that he
cannot, or will not, follow through on consequences or limits for his own
daughter -- that is not fair for the household or for our newly blended family.
In addition, I will not subscribe to the idea that children should be allowed
to speak to grownups however they choose to do so. She should not be allowed
to use her snotty tone of voice with me or anyone else. She will be called on
this behavior, and if he cannot do it, I will. I have no trouble setting
limits on her -- she responds to that with me -- I just wish that he would do
so as well.
Tracey
>in my own home, or something to that effect.
I don't think that's what was said. Maybe that's the way you 'heard' it or
maybe that's they way it sounded but I don't believe that anyone here
believes that you shouldn't have any say or any input on how things go
in your own home. But, at the same time, if it doesn't affect you directly,
can you see that you don't have unilateral veto power on decisions that
have to be made about your SD? That, in reality, those decisions are
made by her bio-parents (or should be)? And you also can't 'force' your
husband and his ex to parent their child the way you *want* them to.
We talk alot about letting go when it comes to how the 'other' parents
parent the children when they're in their home and how we, as stepparents,
have no control over that, but it's the same, IMO, when the parent that
we are married to decides to parent differently than we would. Some-
times you just have to let go of it and figure out a way to deal with it
or, in a worst case scenario, the relationship will suffer and here will
come another divorce.
For me, I put my stepkids on the same footing as I put other children
that are not my biological kids. There is a certain standard of behavior
that I expect from them and if those kids do not want to meet those ex-
pectations, then I have *no right* to go to their parents and *insist* that
their parents do this or do that or the other. Instead, I then have to choose
how I'm going to deal with it because I can't force those parents to change
the way they parent their child. For instance, I once had a friend who had
a daughter about my son's age. I had the daughter over to my house *once*
and it was such a horrific experience, I never put myself in a position to be
alone with that child again. I didn't stop my friendship with her mother, I just
made sure that time spent around her child was at a minimum. Another
example is my sister's two kids. I once spent six months living with her, taking
care of her kids (5 and 4 at the time) while she worked. When she wasn't in
the house, those kids followed *my* rules. Backtalk and arguing got time-
out and sent to bed for a nap. But when she was home and they argued with
*her*, was it my 'right' to insist that she put them in time-out or sent to bed
early? No, not at all. When/if she talked to me about it, yes, I told her what
*I*
did and she did eventually start occasionally doing what I did, but how
long do you think I would have lasted as her sitter if I had started insis-
ting that she parent her kids the way that I *thought* she should? Not
long and I imagine we wouldn't have had a very good relationship after
that either.
Now, as far as my husband and myself? No, we don't agree at all as
to how to deal with my stepkids. Or let's put it this way: We agree in
principle, but in practice, he just doesn't follow through consistently. It
sounds like you and your husband are the same in that he's able to follow
through when it comes to your kids, but when it's his daughter, he can't
follow through on it. The way I see it is this: Until you can get your hus-
band to see that he's not doing his daughter any favors, you have to find
another way to deal with the situation or it's going to get so bad that your
relationship with your DH is going to suffer. At the same time, you'll prob-
ably be putting yourself in the 'Evil Stepmother' role that you might not
*ever* be able to dig yourself out of. In my situation, I went through about
two years of being pissed at my husband because of this. I spent two
summers in an absolute rage most of the time because my parenting was
'good enough' for our kids and it was 'good enough' for the days when
my husband had to work, but when he was around, I was constantly
second-guessed and contradicted and rules that were in place during the
day were suddenly suspended because Dad was home. Very close to
divorce both summers. So, I had to decide. Did I want a divorce? Well,
at the time, it seemed like a good way for him and *our* kids to have a
great relationship because he seems to be a Disneyland Dad when he's
not actually living with the kids, but, in reality, he doesn't have a good re-
lationship with his oldest three. It's too shallow to be considered good.
No, I didn't want a divorce, so I had to figure out another way to deal
with it. So, I detached. I only get involved in decisions that directly
affect me or our kids and only to the extent that it does affect us. Does
SD need some money? My response is: 'Okay, what does that leave us
with for the rest of the month? We can make it.' The final decision is up
to him as to whether or not he sends it. SS wants to come out for a week?
My response is: 'Can we afford the plane ticket? Okay, but you have to
take that week off while he's here.'
>I would agree IF she were not being left with me to watch her when she
>is here and IF I didn't have children who were abiding by the rules and
>expectations of the home.
Then don't watch her.
>My DH agrees with me when it comes to the rules and expectations -- he
>preaches these same things to the parents of his patients. He has NO
>trouble setting limits and following through on consequences with my child-
>ren. It is simply the fact that he cannot, or will not, follow through on con-
>sequences or limits for his own daughter -- that is not fair for the household
>or for our newly blended family.
Well, the last time my youngest SS was with us for the summer, I told DH
at the beginning that whatever SS was or wasn't made to do, the same went
for *our* son. That I wasn't even going to attempt to remember two sets of
rules. That 'worked' for about half the summer, then it went back to two
sets of rules and that's when I said 'no more summers'.
>In addition, I will not subscribe to the idea that children should be allowed
>to speak to grownups however they choose to do so.
I agree, but how far do you take this with other people's children? Because
(and I don't mean this to be mean, but....) she's *not* your child and, from
what you've written, your husband has been pretty clear that he doesn't
think that she's 'your' child either. I'm not saying that this is the way it
*should*
be. In a 'perfect' stepfamily, every adult would agree on every little detail
and every punishment or consequence for 'bad' behavior and they all would
back each other up on things even if they didn't totally agree with the other
adult and it would all be good. But, when you don't have that agreement be-
tween everyone and, especially when you don't have it with your own spouse,
you *really* only have the 'power' that your spouse gives you.
>She should not be allowed to use her snotty tone of voice with me or
>anyone else.
No, she shouldn't.
>She will be called on this behavior, and if he cannot do it, I will.
Okay, but how far are you willing to take it? What happens if, one
day, your husband tells you *not* to while he's around? What if it gets
to the point that your relationship is suffering because of this? Is being
a parent to a child when *no one else supports you in being a parent to
that child* important enough to you to end your marriage over? That's
where *I* was. I'm not saying that's where you are, but that's where I
found myself. I could have either just got the hell out of the marriage OR
I could have figured out someway else to deal with it so that my frustration
level was manageable. I opted for the second.
>I have no trouble setting limits on her -- she responds to that with me --
>I just wish that he would do so as well.
I'm pretty sure all of us in this situation do. But I've pretty much accepted
that my husband is not going to change his parenting style in any significant
ways any time soon. I *really* thought that maybe, just maybe, these last
couple of years of his oldest not talking to him would push him to change a
bit, but it hasn't. I think that, instead, he's overcompensating with the other
two and all that's going to do, IMO, is delay the inevitable 'You don't love
us anymore' that happened at 18 with his oldest until later with his younger
two.
--
Tracey
--
<sung to 'American Pie' by Don McLean>
'...and the Jedi I admired most
Met Darth Maul and now he's toast.
I'm still here and heeeeeee's a ghost.
I guess...I'll train...this boy....'
--Al Yankovich--
jane lawrence
>
> My DH agrees with
> me when it comes to the rules and expectations -- he preaches these same things
> to the parents of his patients. He has NO trouble setting limits and following
> cannot, or will not, follow through on consequences or limits for his own
> daughter -- that is not fair for the household or for our newly blended family.
>
something. It's not just this post, but Ruth's too.
I don't understand how you can assert in the same post that your
DH agrees with you and that he won't/can't follow through with
his daughter. Those premises seem inconsistent to me. My
experience is that people act according to their beliefs.
I could believe that he agrees with you in theory but not in
practice.
I could believe that he agrees with you unless it causes him
discomfort.
I could believe that he pays lip service to your beliefs.
I could believe that he finds the rules and expectations
acceptable for other people's children, but not his own.
What I can't believe is that he's lost all free will regarding
enforcement. Barring hypnosis or demonic possession, don't his
actions tell more about his beliefs than his words?
jane
Didi Jakubowski
>I don't understand how you can assert in the same post that your DH agrees
with you and that he won't/can't follow through with
his daughter. Those premises seem inconsistent to me. My experience is that
people act according to their beliefs.
>
This point confuses me as well -- believe me! My DH is a Pediatrician who
teaches these same beliefs to his patients' parents. He also has NO problem
setting the same limits and following through with consequences on MY children
in our home. It baffles me, as well, that the moment his daughter arrives in
our home, he loses all sight of these practices. His only defense is that he
feels "guilty" that she lives so far away and that he feels "afraid" that if he
sets limits on her, she won't want to come to visit him anymore. I don't
understand it either which was my whole point for asking the question. From
the responses to both this thread as well as to Ruth's, it appears to be a
common concern.
>I could believe that he agrees with you in theory but not in practice.
Not the case.
>I could believe that he agrees with you unless it causes him discomfort.
Possibly.
>I could believe that he pays lip service to your beliefs.
Not at all.
>I could believe that he finds the rules and expectations acceptable for other
people's children, but not his own.
Perhaps.
>What I can't believe is that he's lost all free will regarding enforcement.
Well, believe it because when it comes to his daughter, it is true. Now, with
my children, it is a different story.
>Barring hypnosis or demonic possession, don't his actions tell more about his
beliefs than his words?
I would agree about this point.
Anne Robotti
a doormat his daughter is going to lose respect for him.
Anne
Sarai
>
>I agree, but how far do you take this with other people's children? Because
>(and I don't mean this to be mean, but....) she's *not* your child and,
from
>what you've written, your husband has been pretty clear that he doesn't
>think that she's 'your' child either. I'm not saying that this is the way
it
>*should*
>be. In a 'perfect' stepfamily, every adult would agree on every little
detail
>and every punishment or consequence for 'bad' behavior and they all would
>back each other up on things even if they didn't totally agree with the
other
>adult and it would all be good. But, when you don't have that agreement be-
>tween everyone and, especially when you don't have it with your own spouse,
>you *really* only have the 'power' that your spouse gives you.
Wow, I thought this was REALLY good advice. I was trying to think of a way
to word it, but you did it perfectly. I guess what it boils down to is, it
would be perfect if all 4 parents could be a united front, but when they're
not (especially when the bp is bitter, scorned, etc.) you have to know when
to take a step back. I think, if Kayla's mother does'nt want Didi having
Kayla do certain things (reasonable, i don't mean be snotty or ugly) then
Didi has to respect that. That's just not her kid, and you can't expect to
come in with your kids and your household run the way you run it, and expect
Kayla and her daddy (who have a different kind of household) to succumb to
your "tight ship". If you don't like the way she acts, or the way her daddy
is preferential to her, then don't watch her. If you don't like the way he
gets on to your kids, but not to her, then don't let him get on to them
anymore. I think in a way your are enabling some of this. You let him
discipline your kids, but then get mad when he treats Kayla different.
Don't let him do it anymore then. It's hard, but I'm beginning to think
that mixed families like this just *are* hard, and there is no harmony
because you are dealing with so many kids, so many different bp's, and you
just have to find something that works, and you have to compromise. You
can't get mad at your husband for the way he treats his daughter, its his
daughter. If you think that she is going to grow up to be a spoiled brat,
then so be it. It does'nt concern you. And if you don't want a spoiled
brat in your house, then you should have thought about that before you
married her daddy. Just don't deal with her anymore, she's there to see her
daddy anyway, let him take care of her and parent her.
Sarai
Didi Jakubowski wrote in message
>jane asked:
>
>>I don't understand how you can assert in the same post that your DH agrees
>with you and that he won't/can't follow through with
>his daughter. Those premises seem inconsistent to me. My experience is
that
>people act according to their beliefs.
>>
>
>This point confuses me as well -- believe me! My DH is a Pediatrician who
>teaches these same beliefs to his patients' parents. He also has NO
problem
>setting the same limits and following through with consequences on MY
children
>in our home. It baffles me, as well, that the moment his daughter arrives
in
>our home, he loses all sight of these practices. His only defense is that
he
>feels "guilty" that she lives so far away and that he feels "afraid" that
if he
>sets limits on her, she won't want to come to visit him anymore. I don't
>understand it either which was my whole point for asking the question.
From
>the responses to both this thread as well as to Ruth's, it appears to be a
>common concern.
Hey Didi, does it seem really that the real problem lies with your husband?
Like maybe, he's got a few issues that need to be addressed as far as guilt
is concerned towards his daughter? I know you can't make him go to
counseling, but maybe you could slightly suggest that not disciplining his
daughter is going to hurt her very badly in the long run? I mean, in a way
it's almost selfish what he's doing. He hurts her, by not disciplining her.
He does'nt discipline her because he wants to see her. It's almost more
about what *he* wants, instead of what's best for his daughter. Now I'm not
saying that is the answer, if he refuses to get any help, or recognize what
he is doing, then there really is'nt anything else you can do, because it
really is his child, and you are just a bystander. But it sounds like you
two have a good relationship, maybe you could give him some gentle hints,
not accusing, but bring it up in a tactful way, tell him you're concerned,
because I think deep down you are, but it's easy to get bitter (trust me I
know) especially when *your* kids are involved and not being treated fairly.
Just a thought,
Heather M.
Didi Jakubowski
>You knwo what Didi? What should scare him *more* is that if he's a doormat his
daughter is going to lose respect for him.
>
>Anne
I agree with you COMPLETELY on this point!!
(Was I emphatic enough? ;))
Didi Jakubowski
>Hey Didi, does it seem really that the real problem lies with your husband?
Like maybe, he's got a few issues that need to be addressed as far as guilt is
concerned towards his daughter?
That is a very good point, Heather, and it is something that we have discussed
at length. I have told him, during discussions as well as arguments, that I
don't blame his daughter -- at all -- I blame him because he knows that this is
not good for her, and he continues to allow this kind of thing to go on.
He has a counselor that he used to see with his ex-wife and then alone after
their separation. He has maintained a good rapport with this woman and has
seen her a couple of times since we've been together. The last time, he
specifically went to discuss this issue and all of his frrlings of guilt
associated with his daughter, but when he got there, he chose to focus on
something else. I think that intellectually he *knows* what is right and
wrong, but he is not emotionally ready to hurdle it.
>.....<snipped>.....tell him you're concerned, because I think deep down you
are, but it's easy to get bitter (trust me I
know) especially when *your* kids are involved and not being treated fairly.
Thank you -- I think that this hits it right on the head. I would be able to
tolerate a lot more, I think, if my children were not directly affected. It's
not even like there is an age difference between the kids so that the
preferential treatment could be explained off by that factor. I don't want to
feel bitter, but it is getting more and more difficult not to.
Thanks for your comments.
Kix42
It does seem that many dads are not too good at parenting, for a variety of
reasons..and sometimes when they get divorced and then remarried, and
visitation starts - they have to learn how to be a parent. They sometimes feel
that they cannot be strict ( I mean set limits) or their child "WON'T LIKE
THEM" or "WON'T WANT TO VISTI". What I have found in our case *luckily* is
that what I believe about parenting is what he deep down believes but never got
a chance to practice. So usually i say something like: 'when she (SD) says "my
mom doesn't make me go to be until 11pm", you can just say: "well in this house
the rule is 9 pm; different rules in different houses...(you're 8, get used to
it...)'
Just my 2 cents
Someone
have been in her life for 4 1/2 years, she's lived with us full-time for
only the last 2 1/2 of those.
When SO is here, he is the decision maker. However if he's not, I usually
have to handle things myself - which is fine on an as-needed basis. I've
gone through both ends of that spectrum: not having any input, and being
completely responsible for her - and where we are now is the best place
I've found so far.
Karla <ka...@ntcorp.com> wrote in article
<snip>
: There are challenges in step families as well. There are times when I
: step back and say, "Hey, they're your kids" or defer a call to my DH
: because, they aren't my kids....but they are. I don't want to make the
: final call about 12 yr old SD going into town for First Night with her
: friends. I will give my input but believe that to be DH's call. It's a
: different story if he's not here and I have to make the call, but that's
: the type of thing I'd rather defer at this point.
:
: I suspect that when SS hits that age I would be more comfortable making
: the call as I will have had a hand in raising him for the bulk of his
: life where as SD is already pretty grown.
Tracey
(Kix42) writes:
>They sometimes feel that they cannot be strict ( I mean set limits)
>or their child "WON'T LIKE THEM" or "WON'T WANT TO VISTI".
Yeah, I see that in my husband. And, seeing how his ex has
handled the problems between my husband his oldest son, it
was a very real concern for him. I also think (with my husband
as an example) that the guilt from not making the marriage work
is also a big factor. 'I've ruined their life and I have to make up
for that somehow.' And another factor is probably that a lot of
people seem to get this idea that they don't have a right to be
a 'parent' anymore. As if the fact that they no longer live with
their kids on a daily basis takes away their right to do those
parenting things like set limits, etc.
Tracey
Kix42
group. Two other books we've gotten alot out of are "How to be a Great
Divorced Dad" and "The Good Stepmother". YMMV
dramsay
with our family and our relationship.
4) have started acting different lately and it's driving me nuts! I
get upset and the only person I can aim my frustration at is my fiance.
It's not his fault, but I don't know how else to vent. I don't yell at
him, but I don't want to sound like all I do is bitch at him either.
My SD is 7 1/2 years old, and she has been the only child for both of
her parents. We are expecting a baby and so is her BM. SD lives in MI
(about 5 1/2 hours away from us in Chicago), and she visits with us 2
weekends a month, 1 week in winter, alternating spring breaks, and 3
months in the summer. This visitation schedule is relatively new as
prior to our involvement together, DH simply got SD whenever BM felt
like allowing it. She has never spent so much time wih him before.
for you. I know that we are supposed to adjust, but that would drain
me. Especially since my SD isn't the normal "sweet" child.
Problem: SD is very, very spoiled. This has been a problem since DH and
I started dating as I am a very strict mother (being a single mother
for 5+ years, I had to be strict, or my kids would walk all over me). I
believe in limits and consequences, and I believe that one of the most
important things to teach children in that they need to be responsible
for their behavior. My children are very happy, well adjusted kids, so
limits get thrown out the window.
could probably start kindergarten next year if he wasn't too young. I
work with my children all the time. They dress themselves, they can
shower themselves (except I have to help my daughter with her hair),
and they know what 8:30pm looks like on the clock so they will
sometimes give me a kiss and go to bed on their own. We very seldom
argue or but heads on anything. They love to help set the table and
little chores.
My SD however is a mouthy little thug. I will not let her talk to me
the way she does everyone else. It bothers me that everyone has to
walk on eggshells to make her behave. It's ridiculous. WE (fiance and
I) can never just take care of her like we should be. His mother
always steps in. My fiance seems like he has given up. He has told me
himself that he just wishes he could let go. He has no choice but to
take her every Wednesday and every other weekend.
Her mother never packs an overnight bag and we have spent my whole
paycheck on clothes for her one time. The clothes end up at her house,
and we never see them again. She yells at me when I make her wear my
clothes (She is a 5 year old that weighs about 110 pounds. She wears a
size 16 in girls size instead of a 5T) It kind of grosses me out
sometimes.
She speaks to us however she chooses, she is not made to respect either
of us, she does whatever she feels, and she gets away with murder with
her father.
with it because he knows she will leave pretty soon anyway. He kind of
sees it like babysitting a brat and then she will go home, so he
doesn't deal with it. None of them (his family) do. I don't feel that
I have that right to do anything. Does that make sense? I mean if my
daughter acted like the way SD does, she would be in the corner for
quite sometime. She and I but heads all the time because I actually
have ground rules. My fiance's mother meddles too much and I feel like
I have to let her because she knows SD better than I do. I don't know
how to tell MIL to butt out with out offending her and my fiance.
When I am watching her, I set limits on her, and she and I have gotten
into some major power struggles because she doesn't want to pull her
weight. (she can't get dressed by herself, she can't pour herself a cup
of water, she can't pick up after herself, etc.)
omigosh! I TOTALLY hear you on that one. I can't stand that she tries
to make me dress her and put her shoes on for her. When my children
are in the shower I lay their clothes out for them and they get dresses
themselves. They are TODDLERS for goodness sake. I don't know what SD
deal is but I really find it tiresome. The excuse for her shoes is,
maybe she can't get her shoes on because of her weight (like she can't
get to her feet or something.) Nope. I'm not buying it. If she can
play on the floor with her barbies and sit indian style, she can put
her own shoes on.
That has to be terribly frustrating for you also. I had a friend that
had to go to the extreme of making a separate dinner for her SS. Not
because he was allergic to anything, but because he wouldn't eat
dinner. He was just trying to be difficult.
My children are starting to resent the fact that while Mike can
certainly set limits on my children, he doesn't with her. He and I
argue about it, we discuss it, he says that he sees what he is doing
wrong, but he doesn't correct it -- he says that he overcompensates
because he feels guilty that he doesn't get to see her all the time. I
suggested that he resume counseling to deal with this issue because it
certainly is not going to help
his daughter, and he did go to the counselor, but he did not choose to
discuss this issue though it is a MAJOR problem here (he shared what
they discussed voluntarily).
I have begun to resent her visits -- I refuse to have my life run by a
7 year old. My stomache turns to knots the Thurs. night before I know
that she is coming. I know that this is not good for any of us, but I
don't know how to handle it further.
I understand that feeling also. I toss and turn the night before. My
stomach goes in knots during the "pick up". I can't even fake being
happy to see her anymore. She walks in the door and I just kind of
mumble "Hi" or something. I usually plan my major cleaning on those
days so that I am really busy. I know that is just avoiding the issue,
but it seems safer. I am a strict mom also and I can't stand how she is
when she is here. I especially can't stand it when she tries to get a
rise out of me one minute and calls me "hey you" and then the next
minute she wants to sit in my lap (she is too big to cuddle that way)
and calls me "mom".
This little girl needs help, but I don't know if I'm "allowed" to voice
my opinion. My children are acting so different now. They get mouthy,
they don't want to share, and they fight all the time now. It totally
wears me out!
Any suggestions? P.S. My DH and I do not argue about anything else, but
we spend a lot of time arguing about this issue.
I don't have any suggestions yet, but I would be very grateful if we
could keep in touch. Out of all the other posts yours really hit home.
Having someone outside the family that isn't necessarily objective, but
can understand how I feel (you sound like me when I'm trying to talk to
my friends that have no clue what it's really like) really helps.
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