How are you really feeling about your stepchild?
Jacquelyn Handregan
Hi, I've been reading this newsgroup for a while, and I hope that there
is someone out there who can help me with this!
Basic scenario...Both mine and DH's second time round. I have a boy and
girl ages 9 and 4 respectively. He has a girl age 10. I have sole
custody, he has joint, and we have his daughter every 2nd weekend. The
major problem: she feels she is an "only" child and should be treated
preferentially. I have lost track of the number of times this child has
literally cried herself blue. We just stand back and watch the
fireworks...
My problem with this???...My children aren't angels, and aren't treated
as such, but I'll be darned if my children are going to suffer as a
result of this childs' caterwauling. In addition, this situation is
complicated by the fact that my Dh's ex, even though she knew she was
going to leave him, requested he have a vasectomy. He, knowing none the
wiser at the time, consented. Turns out that all this woman wanted was
to ensure that he never had another child besides hers to leave anything
to. So, all he will ever have is his daughter. This upsets me enough
(we could have others...both in our early 30's), and it's not so much
her behaviour I can't handle, it's this.
I look at this child, and despite all of my best intentions, all I see
is her mother...(it doesn't help that she looks just like her as well).
And with this, added to the fact that the child isn't that easy to cope
with anyhow...I have a problem.
To sweeten the pot...I have to add that my DH's ex "discovered" she was
into another lifestyle (seems to us that all she wanted was a child and
a home so that she could say she was a middle class divorcee with a
child). All I know that at this point, I feel that I cannot cope with
this child, and unfortunately it seems that this is mostly attributed to
her mother. Is there anyone out there who feels this way?????
H.C.
Yes, I feel this way. See this post: <3552E6C7...@already.pal>
It's tough pretending that you don't have natural, human reactions to
unpleasant people just because they are children.
Nicki Anne Cartt
In article <35529290...@roadrunner.nf.net>, pat....@roadrunner.nf.net wrote:
<snipped>
>result of this childs' caterwauling. In addition, this situation is
>complicated by the fact that my Dh's ex, even though she knew she was
>going to leave him, requested he have a vasectomy. He, knowing none the
>wiser at the time, consented. Turns out that all this woman wanted was
>to ensure that he never had another child besides hers to leave anything
>to. So, all he will ever have is his daughter. This upsets me enough
>(we could have others...both in our early 30's), and it's not so much
>her behaviour I can't handle, it's this.
Just so you know, my husband had a vasectomy, we got married, and had it
reversed. Cost $$$$, but we now have a child together, and it's made dealing
with the ex and the step kids much easier for me. I bet the look on his ex's
face was priceless when she found out we were expecting (an added bonus)!!
If you really would like to have a child together, you could consider this
option.
Sounds like you are dealing with a real gem of a step daughter. Makes me
feel pretty lucky in that respect. You feel what you feel - some people really
love their step kids, but I don't, and never will. If I had met them when they
were younger, or if they lived with us, it may have been different.
The hardest part for me is hearing, for most of the weekend, "mom this,
mom that", "when mom and dad did this or that", "mom told us she took dad back
for more child support so we could get cable", etc. etc. Argh! I could do
without the information...
Hope everything works out for you. Don't try to force your feelings one
direction or another. And don't feel guilty - quite a few of us have felt the
same way at one time or another.
Nicki
lbdcre...@juno.com
> is her mother...(it doesn't help that she looks just like her as well).
> And with this, added to the fact that the child isn't that easy to cope
> with anyhow...I have a problem.
Doesn't every stepparent have this problem???
I definitely had this problem, and mine was a little bit worse. My DH and I
had dated shortly out of highschool. He was casually seeing a couple of
girls at the time--no worry, he was nineteen and not committed to either of
us--and finally told me that, although he had really strong feelings for me,
his other girlfriend was pregnant and he was going to move in with her.
Their relationship didn't work and he came back to me, four years later.
So not only was I looking at a three-year-old male version of my husband's ex
(who was also no day at the beach to have visit), but I also got to know that
this was the "thing" that kept my DH and I from being happy all these years.
If my DH had actually given some thought to birth control, he and I could be
having our children together by this time.
Naturally, DH didn't think that. He told me once, "But if you and I were
together straight through, we wouldn't have C**!" Now my SS (after he became
more secure in DH's and my relationship) is a very sweet little boy who I
love dearly and his sweet nature has crashed through most of my problems, but
I still don't consider *not* having him in the picture that bad a thing!
I'm afraid that I'm not sure how to handle your original problem, though.
Both of you should be the exact same parents to your children as you are with
his. Bad behavior should be punished and you should try not to let that
punishment affect the other children. Maybe eventually, if these tantrums
are ignored and she realizes that she's not hurting anybody but herself, they
might stop.
lil
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Kirsten Grandahl
I can totally relate to the tantrum problem.
I have a 9 year old SD who acts like a 3 year old. She has been babied
all of her life (I came into the picture when she was 6) and throws
tantrums, pouts, crys at the drop of a hat and back talks alot.
I've gone crazy with it (she lives with us all the time) until I decided
this is MY house and I make the rules...I won't tolerate any of the above
anymore. She wants to throw a tantrum, pout, cry (when she doesn't get
what she wants) and talks back..she goes to her room..plain and simple. I
told her I deserve respect (I give her plenty of respect) and she will
not treat me like this. I can't tell her what to do with her father, but
I can tell her what I expect.
You're not alone...believe me!!!!
jac...@myriad.net
In article <6j32mg$4hus$1...@newssvr04-int.news.prodigy.com>,
QHR...@prodigy.com (Kirsten Grandahl) wrote:
>
>I won't tolerate any of the above
> anymore. She wants to throw a tantrum, pout, cry (when she doesn't get
> what she wants) and talks back..she goes to her room..plain and simple. I
> told her I deserve respect (I give her plenty of respect) and she will
> not treat me like this. I can't tell her what to do with her father, but
> I can tell her what I expect.
This is what we do with my stepson and my 2 y/o daughter. Every child has a
right to their feelings, and to expressing them in healthy, age-appropriate
ways, but they do not have the right to subject the rest of the family to
those expressions.
We tell both kids that we see that they're upset, and that they need to go
some place by themselves until they calm down. We try to use a dispassionate
voice and firmly, but calmly tell them that they can return to the family
activities when they feel they are calm enough.
Took several trips to his room before stepson learned what "calm enough"
means, but he's very good at regulating his outward reactions, and knowing
when he needs to spend time alone.
Lisa
Dylan's Mom
You got smart early. My sd (been w/her dad since she was 1) was the same
way. At about age three I'd had enough. I made it clear to dh and sd that
if I was going to stay things had to change. Mainly I was to be minded and
dh was to back me up. If you don't have the support of the bio-parent
(your partner) then you are screwed. Now sd (age 9) lives with us and
things couldn't be better. Glad to hear things are going better for you
also.
--
Teri....@Compaqnospam.com
Kirsten Grandahl <QHR...@prodigy.com> wrote in article
<6j32mg$4hus$1...@newssvr04-int.news.prodigy.com>...
> I can totally relate to the tantrum problem.
>
> I have a 9 year old SD who acts like a 3 year old. She has been babied
> all of her life (I came into the picture when she was 6) and throws
> tantrums, pouts, crys at the drop of a hat and back talks alot.
>
> I've gone crazy with it (she lives with us all the time) until I decided
> this is MY house and I make the rules...I won't tolerate any of the above
> anymore. She wants to throw a tantrum, pout, cry (when she doesn't get
> what she wants) and talks back..she goes to her room..plain and simple. I
> told her I deserve respect (I give her plenty of respect) and she will
> not treat me like this. I can't tell her what to do with her father, but
> I can tell her what I expect.
>
janelaw
Kirsten Grandahl wrote:
>
> I can totally relate to the tantrum problem.
>
> I have a 9 year old SD who acts like a 3 year old. She has been babied
> all of her life (I came into the picture when she was 6) and throws
> tantrums, pouts, crys at the drop of a hat and back talks alot.
>
> I've gone crazy with it (she lives with us all the time) until I decided
> this is MY house and I make the rules...I won't tolerate any of the above
> anymore. She wants to throw a tantrum, pout, cry (when she doesn't get
> what she wants) and talks back..she goes to her room..plain and simple. I
> told her I deserve respect (I give her plenty of respect) and she will
> not treat me like this. I can't tell her what to do with her father, but
> I can tell her what I expect.
>
> You're not alone...believe me!!!!
Pretty much the same thing here. But what are you going to do?
Kids have to learn that this behavior is not going to get them
what they want in this world.
My problem is finding opportunities to give "positive" attention
and not having all our interaction be reprimand and
instruction. Sometimes I think that even saying, "Go to your
room," is too much attention to pay. I know my SD does this
stuff to get attention. I don't want to reward the behavior by
giving her that attention, yet I don't want to let abusive
behavior go unchecked. Any ideas?