Idealistic Mom
Astro the Cat
which has progressed, but we still do not live together. I feel I need
some advice from the group again.
Originally I posted complaining about my SO's kids - 9, 11, and 14. Their
manners were bad, etc. etc. - all the usual stuff that comes from a culture
clash between two very different families. The responses I got were pretty
blunt. The gist of most of them was that I should mind my own business and
not inflict anything on the kids. I took it to heart, I think.
In the past six months I have come to know the children better, and to like
them better. I still avoid criticizing the children or attempting to
modify their behavior. I have on occasion told them to stop some behavior
that I find intolerable, but that has been infrequent. The kids have
reacted rather well to it, partly because it is clear that they have begun
to like me and trust me a fair bit.
The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment.
She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which
I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
That could be so even if my relationship with their mother were to end, and
even if I never adopt the children. I could be obliged to support them if
I stand "in loco parentis" to them. I do not know the full legal picture
here. I may get some advice or do additional research myself.
Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this. In my opinion, I presently
have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids. I hesitate to
incur such obligations. My own children are young adults who will
certainly be calling upon my help from time to time to further their
education, buy their first house, etc. My resources are not infinite. Am
I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment to my SO
and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping "separate
accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems to me that
might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.
I feel guilty about being stingy and mistrustful, but something inside is
telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her
kids, but - what should I do?
Manadero
>I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
>children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
>That could be so even if my relationship with their mother were to end, and
>even if I never adopt the children.
IMO you seem to feel as if IM is trying to trap you into becoming financially
responsible for her children.
If you have misgivings *now* think about it really hard - I can promise you
it will only get worse!
What are you going to do? Go out to dinner and a show and make her pay for
"her" children ? Tell the children that if they need something that they
should ask their mother for it so that you aren't considered "responsible" for
contributing?
I am not an accomplished step-mother by any stretch of the imagination - It is
so hard to be a step anyway - if your main concern is how to keep things
"yours" and "mine" instead of "ours" your marriage will surely not last the 9
years it will take for the youngest to be on his/her own.
Have you discussed your reservations with your SO? My guess is, once she hears
how hesitant you are to be of any assistance in raising the children - she'll
think twice about wanting you as a life partner. I would. It will only make
it harder to be a single parent *within* a marriage.
Pat Winstanley
<mana...@aol.com> writes
Total agreement!
Marriage (or living together as married for that matter) means you
accept the good times and the bad times... you support the family when
the other can't/won't and they support the family when you
can't/won't... and the family as a whole supports itself to the level
you can, as a family, support at the time.
*If* you accept living with children in the household that aren't yours
then you DO go into 'loco parentis' (or whatever its called).
I just think living with kids sends one loco anyway but I suppose that's
beside the point! ;-))
IOW in the sort of situation above, please think what you want and what
you are prepared to do and commit to AND TALK TO YOUR PARTNER about your
fears and doubts!!
COMMUNICATE!
--
Pat Winstanley
nancy g.
(snip of how potentially tough situation is improving)
> The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment.
> She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
> clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
> support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which
> I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
> children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
Well, I have no legal background whatsoever, but surely this doesn't
happen in *every* step-parenting arrangement, so you'd need to find out
what was unique about the ones where it does happen, and why most
step relationships don't end up in this financial situation if they
come to a premature end.
> Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this.
So do I, but probably not for the same reasons. You talk about how
your S.O. wants to be married and living together, but you say nothing
about how you want the same. Your only thoughts seem to be about the
financial end of things. The underlying concern that I sense is that
you might suspect she's interested in you only as a meal ticket for
her or (more especially) for her kids.
> In my opinion, I presently
> have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids.
> I hesitate to incur such obligations.
Seems to me that if you're looking at an impending marriage as
"incurring obligations" then it's a clear signal that getting
married is probably the wrong thing to do.
Does your S.O. receive any support money from the children's father?
If not, perhaps that's an avenue you should be pursuing. Knowing
they had an independent source of some income might ease your mind
about somehow being stuck supporting them yourself.
> My own children are young adults who will
> certainly be calling upon my help from time to time to further their
> education, buy their first house, etc. My resources are not infinite.
If they're young adults, does that mean they've already been through
college? If so, why do you expect that you will continue to provide
for their education? Or, for that matter, help them buy a house?
Wanting to do so voluntarily is great, if you've got the money, but
it's by no means required of you.
If you really love your S.O. and want to marry her and can't wait to
be with her every day for the rest of your life (and forgive me for
saying so, but that is *not* what it sounds like, based on your note)
then you *must* accept the fact that the size of your family will be
increasing not by one person, but by four. If you can't deal with that,
don't try to fool yourself that there's some legal way you can be
married but still detached. There's an old saying about having your
cake and eating it too.
If you do decide to marry, the one thing it seems like you are going
to need more than anything else is a strong prenuptual agreement, one
that clearly removes you from any further commitment to your S.O. and
her children if you split up in the future.
And by the way, I'm curious about your heading for this post.
What is so "idealistic" about Mom? What visions does she have of
your future together that you don't think are realistic?
> Am I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment
> to my SO and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping
> "separate accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems
> to me that might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.
It might, if you enter into the marriage with widely separated thoughts
about what should happen or what is going to happen. If you agree ahead
of time about how things will be done (and the key word here is AGREE)
then there should be no problem. Plenty of the step families here keep
separate accounts, or more usually, some form of a three-way split of the
family money so there's "yours, mine and ours." Other families do it the
way my S.O. and I are planning to, which is that all family income goes
into the family bank account to be distributed as needed. What matters
is not which way you choose, but that you and your S.O. agree that the way
you have mutually chosen is fair under your particular family circumstances.
> I feel guilty about being stingy and mistrustful, but something inside is
> telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her
> kids, but - what should I do?
You should *wait* and do nothing until you *know* what you want to do and
don't have to take a survey of opinions to figure out whether you should
get married or not.
But, that's just *my* opinion.
janelaw
>
> I posted here about six months ago. I am still in the same relationship,
> which has progressed, but we still do not live together. I feel I need
> some advice from the group again.
>
> Originally I posted complaining about my SO's kids - 9, 11, and 14. Their
> manners were bad, etc. etc. - all the usual stuff that comes from a culture
> clash between two very different families. The responses I got were pretty
> blunt. The gist of most of them was that I should mind my own business and
> not inflict anything on the kids. I took it to heart, I think.
>
> In the past six months I have come to know the children better, and to like
> them better. I still avoid criticizing the children or attempting to
> modify their behavior. I have on occasion told them to stop some behavior
> that I find intolerable, but that has been infrequent. The kids have
> reacted rather well to it, partly because it is clear that they have begun
> to like me and trust me a fair bit.
>
> She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
> clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
> support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which
> I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
> children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
> I stand "in loco parentis" to them. I do not know the full legal picture
> here. I may get some advice or do additional research myself.
>
> have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids. I hesitate to
> certainly be calling upon my help from time to time to further their
> I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment to my SO
> and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping "separate
> accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems to me that
> might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.
>
> telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her
> kids, but - what should I do?
I agree with the conclusion other posters have drawn that you
are not ready to make this commitment for a variety of reasons.
However, you asked about the financial question, so I'm sticking
to that.
Go pick up an MCLE book on family law in your state. Take a
survey course in family law for your continuing education
credits. Investigate the law of prenups in your state. What
are your plans for asset division in case of divorce? Are you
in a community property state?
I don't see asset and income segregation as any big deal. You
just keep separate accounts and a joint account for household
expenses. Always deposit all your income to your separate
account. Future wife should always deposit to hers. Do not
sign each other's checks. Purchase individual assets from your
separate accounts and family assets from the joint account.
That kind of thing. Any good family law attorney can help you
formulate a plan.
Investigate the subject and see an attorney before you live
together. If you and SO can't agree on these issues now, I
don't see any point in fighting them out in your home. Surely
you both owe the children some level of certainty about your
relationship before you cohabit. Go with your gut on this one.
It really doesn't matter if you ARE a stingy bastard; you are
the person that SO wants to link her life with. If she's not
willing to consider and respect your needs now, then the
relationship is doomed anyway. OTOH, maybe you will find that
money is really no big deal to her, and she will agree to
whatever arrangement makes you comfortable.
I know you don't want to lose her. You really have to work this
out with her, though.
MFreund
Astro the Cat wrote:
(snip) There are good deal of warning signs here:
> In the past six months I have come to know the children better, and to like
> them better.
From this blurb it would seem that you still can't say you like them, as in
totally :-) ... just like them better. There's an element of dislike. Warning
no. 1
> The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment.
> She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
> clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
> support.
She wants me to ... She really wants to ... She has made it clear ... She would
expect me ...
She, she, she. Warning no. 2.
> I stand "in loco parentis" to them.
Yeah ... you have to be "loco" to want to take on another man/woman's
children. "Loco" in love with your mate, "loco" in love with parenting and
especially "loco" in love with life. Life with all it's ups and downs, peaks
and valleys and every challenge it brings. Emotional, physical and financial.
Warning no. 3. With so many reservations you would be LOCO to enter into a
commitment with this woman and her children.
> Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this. In my opinion, I presently
> have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids.
MY SO ... HER KIDS.
Warning no. 4. You see yourself as separate entities already. In my opion,
and again, I reiterate, this is just my opinion (albeit archaic), when you are
contemplating marriage you are entering into an agreement to become ONE. (A
word of explanation for all the naysayers ... NO, that doesn't mean you loose
your individuality). Becoming ONE comes as a result of preparing to die to
SELF. When you have a SO that has young children, you have to be prepared at
times to sacrifice your needs for theirs. This you are not prepared to do for
THEM or HER.
> I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment to my SO
> and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping "separate
> accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems to me that
> might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.
You are selfish ... IF and only IF you continue in this relationship (or worse,
go ahead and marry this woman) without sharing your feelings and coming to a
mutual understanding with your SO. You are being HONEST if you explain your
feelings to her and don't continue to let her believe there is any possibility
of you meeting her needs. Then she will be able to determine what is best for
HER, too. If you do love her, at the very least she deserves your honesty.
You've done it here, why not share it with her?
>
> I feel guilty about being stingy and mistrustful, but something inside is
> telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her
> kids, but - what should I do?
Again, here is my old archaic, old fashioned self. Love is a verb. Not a
noun. True love involves action on our part. You opened your heart to this
woman, you have to open your heart to her children. In the case of
step-children, it involves opening your wallet, too :-) If your willing to love
your SO, you have to be willing to love her children. Certainly that doesn't
mean that it needs to be at the cost of your own biological children, but
blended families require a commitment to sacrifice. Sacrifice in EVERY area and
sacrifice on everyone's part.
I left a lucrative career in advertising and promotion in order to care for my
two SD's full time. This was a huge dent in our income and has left my husband
responsible for ALL the bills, including the bills my own 14 year old -
"everyone wears Tommy Hilfiger" son incurs :-) My ex husband lives thousands
of miles away in another country and if he ever calls, does so collect. My
husband's ex lives 20 minutes away and only contributes stupid phone messages
:-) The upside to our sacrifice is that I am happy, the husband is happy and
ALL the children are happy. I live out of sweatpants most of the time. Who
cares? So I put my SAKS 5th Avenue card to bed ... :-) So we have to be a
little more creative when the cost for higher education rolls around, so we may
not be able to leave them a huge financial legacy. We will though, hopefully,
be instrumental in providing them with a secure foundation from which to make
their way in the world as well adjusted adults who know that they are loved.
That will help them far more.
My experience is that there is a progression in blended families, just as in
any relationship. The romantic, the honeymoon and then the REALITY.
Fortunately, for you, REALITY is in front of you. Decide what you want and are
willing to do now. Make a decision you can stick with without any regrets.
On a final note, it takes time. No one falls in love with children that aren't
their own overnight. I entered into my marriage (as did my wonderful husband)
knowing that it was a package deal. I got d I got three for one. He got two
for one. I knew about the children beforehand and before I fell in love with
him.
nancy g.
(lotsa snippage, lotsa good advice)
> Again, here is my old archaic, old fashioned self. Love is a verb. Not
> a noun. True love involves action on our part. You opened your heart to
> this woman, you have to open your heart to her children. In the case
> of step-children, it involves opening your wallet, too :-) If your willing
> to love your SO, you have to be willing to love her children. Certainly that
> doesn't mean that it needs to be at the cost of your own biological children,
> but blended families require a commitment to sacrifice. Sacrifice in EVERY area
> and sacrifice on everyone's part.
>
> I left a lucrative career in advertising and promotion in order to care for my
> two SD's full time. This was a huge dent in our income and has left my husband
> responsible for ALL the bills, including the bills my own 14 year old -
> "everyone wears Tommy Hilfiger" son incurs :-) My ex husband lives thousands
> of miles away in another country and if he ever calls, does so collect. My
> husband's ex lives 20 minutes away and only contributes stupid phone messages
> :-) The upside to our sacrifice is that I am happy, the husband is happy and
> ALL the children are happy. I live out of sweatpants most of the time. Who
> cares? So I put my SAKS 5th Avenue card to bed ... :-) So we have to be a
> little more creative when the cost for higher education rolls around, so we may
> not be able to leave them a huge financial legacy. We will though, hopefully,
> be instrumental in providing them with a secure foundation from which to make
> their way in the world as well adjusted adults who know that they are loved.
> That will help them far more.
Thanks so much -- from another apparently archaic and old-fashioned type like
yourself. You've put into words exactly what I anticipate my future with my S.O.
is going to be like ... well, except we have a combined total of two in the
14-year-old range right now (and another two who are 8 and 9, respectively, but
both of them seem to be going on 13!) so we're getting the brand-name requests
in sets of two or four at a time ... not that we say yes, mind you, but we get them!
And yes, I live in sweats and t-shirts, and I have to wash those TWO pair of
status-brand jeans at least twice a week for my finicky 8th grader so that she can
wear them every day instead of the no-names, but you're right, we are all HAPPY
with the way our lives are heading. We still haven't combined our two families
yet, and I'm not naive enough to think things will run smoothly when we do, but
I am confident that, as you say, the emotional foundation we are providing for
them (including a constant demonstration of what it's like to be truly loved,
and living proof that not *all* marriages involve constant fighting and shouting)
will be more than worth whatever financial dreams we need to give up.
I don't even consider it a sacrifice. I'd willingly give up much more than
I'm going to, in order to get what I'm already receiving from this relationship.
I'd suggest the original poster think long and hard about entering into marriage
if he can't say something similar.
nancy g.
Merrie
accounts and bad feelings, for myself it wouldn't be a problem as long
as we all have the same standard of living. If my husband were to be
buying me very expensive gifts for me while I could only afford a card
for him it would be a source of problems. Whereas, if we both only
bought cards and he socked away the money for retirement, I don't think
I'd be bothered. I'd feel the same about "gifts" for ourselves,
including food, transportation, clothing and housing.
Merrie
Astro the Cat wrote:
>
> I posted here about six months ago. I am still in the same relationship,
> which has progressed, but we still do not live together. I feel I need
> some advice from the group again.
>
> Originally I posted complaining about my SO's kids - 9, 11, and 14. Their
> manners were bad, etc. etc. - all the usual stuff that comes from a culture
> clash between two very different families. The responses I got were pretty
> blunt. The gist of most of them was that I should mind my own business and
> not inflict anything on the kids. I took it to heart, I think.
>
> In the past six months I have come to know the children better, and to like
> them better. I still avoid criticizing the children or attempting to
> modify their behavior. I have on occasion told them to stop some behavior
> that I find intolerable, but that has been infrequent. The kids have
> reacted rather well to it, partly because it is clear that they have begun
> to like me and trust me a fair bit.
>
> The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment.
> She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
> clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
> support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which
> I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
> children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
> That could be so even if my relationship with their mother were to end, and
> even if I never adopt the children. I could be obliged to support them if
> I stand "in loco parentis" to them. I do not know the full legal picture
> here. I may get some advice or do additional research myself.
>
> Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this. In my opinion, I presently
> have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids. I hesitate to
> incur such obligations. My own children are young adults who will
> certainly be calling upon my help from time to time to further their
> education, buy their first house, etc. My resources are not infinite. Am
> I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment to my SO
> and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping "separate
> accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems to me that
> might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.
>
Jane
for financially taking care of my children if we split. This was a
condition that his lawyer was quite emphatic about.
Jane
Astro the Cat <no.address@given> wrote in article
<01bde1ee$0db3dfc0$a30e67d1@default>...
Grace F Rohrer
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 17-Sep-98 Idealistic Mom
by "Astro the Cat"@given
> The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment.
> She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it
> clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial
> support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which
> I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the
> children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future.
Taking on step-kids is a really big thing. It sounds to me like you just
aren't ready for the commitment.
My DH, unbeknownst to me, had the minister add a wonderful thing to our
marriage ceremony--where he pledged his emotional and financial support
to my 9 year old daughter in front of all our friends and families. He
has demonstrated his sincerity on that pledge too.
I bring this up as a contrast to your own statement...
> Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this. In my opinion, I presently
> have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids. I hesitate to
> incur such obligations.
> I feel guilty about being stingy and mistrustful, but something inside is
> telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her
> kids, but - what should I do?
>
You clearly aren't ready to commit to marriage.
This is the 2nd marriage for both my DH and I--and we both went into it
with a genuine level of commitment--and similar ideas that maybe family
and love are more important than money.
Good luck to you--I hope you don't hurt your woman friend too badly, when
you can't make the commitments she is asking of you.
Astro the Cat
on this. For the most part they were not helpful to me at all.
Many of you assumed that I had not discussed the issues I brought up in my
post with my SO. I have done so on several occassions. The reason the
topic on my post was "Idealistic Mom" was that I *have* expressed my
misgivingsto her, but she is just sure that everything will work out: i.e.,
she is idealistic, or perhaps "optimistic." I love her for her positive
outlook, but I am being cautious.
One train of thought in the responses to my post appears to be that I harbor
some very negative thoughts about my SO's kids or about her. For pete's
sake - this entire NG is about the challenges of step-parenting. If nobody
ever had qualms or misgivings, why would we need a newsgroup? Of COURSE I
have qualms. One of the major themes in this ng, not to mention social
science and anthropological research, is the difficulty in dealing with a
relaitionship that involves other people's children. My post was (I hope)
candid, but not a gripe. It was about a problem that reappears on this ng
(economic issues) over and over. Please do not chide me for expressing my
concerns about these very common and frequently intractable problems.
I love my SO. Her children and I are growing to care about each other. The
earlier advice I received on this newsgroup was "it takes time to know and
love stepchildren." We are taking that time, and the signs are positive.
Most of the posts focussed on the negative - that I still have misgivings.
Why did practically none of you offer encouragement for the growing
afffection between me and my SO's children?
I am particularly annoyed at responses to my post that were based on the
idea that I have just not progressed enough in my relationship with my SO,
and do not feel enough love for her and her children to make it work. I
suppose that the many of those who lurk or post on the ng are step-parents.
So, those folks have first-hand experience with the failure of a marriage
(their own), and then with the difficulties of a blended family. They
should know better than to offer advise that amounts to "just love her and
commit and all will be well."
As I stated in my original post, I am a lawyer. Those of you that posted
messages that amount to "get legal advice and sign a good pre-nup" should
understand something. A contract between me and my SO cannot bargain away
her children's rights. In other words, she may agree that I will not be
responsible to support her children, but any agreement she may enter into
with me will probably be unenforceable against her children.
I believe that my SO, her children, and I, will make a success of this by
being loving and thoughtful. However, I will not bother turning to this ng
for help any more. Most of you are apparently incapable anything but a
"knee-jerk" reaction.
With some few exceptions - THANKS FOR NOTHING.
nancy g.
> Well, I must say that I am very disappointed in the responses from the group
> on this. For the most part they were not helpful to me at all.
(snip a bunch of complaints about our well-meant advice)
> I believe that my SO, her children, and I, will make a success of this by
> being loving and thoughtful. However, I will not bother turning to this ng
> for help any more. Most of you are apparently incapable anything but a
> "knee-jerk" reaction.
> With some few exceptions - THANKS FOR NOTHING.
How about this, Astro: Next time you post a note here asking us for our
opinions or advice, why don't you just tell us what it is you DO want us
to say? That way, we won't have to bother telling you what we really feel
or what we really think might help, and you won't have to be bothered
wasting your time reading stuff that isn't what you wanted to hear.
Time saved all around, right?
Nancy Owens
expose myself in anyway....
tsk tsk tsk and you call yourselves a -support- newsgroup:(
nancy g. wrote in message <36106EA3...@tiac.net>...
Vicki Robinson
>Another clear cut example of why I would rather lurk here for 3 years than
>expose myself in anyway....
>
>tsk tsk tsk and you call yourselves a -support- newsgroup:(
>
I'm curious; what should a -support- group look like?
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com.
nancy g.
> Another clear cut example of why I would rather lurk here for 3 years than
> expose myself in anyway....
>
> tsk tsk tsk and you call yourselves a -support- newsgroup:(
Well, I *thought* many of us had been trying very hard to be exactly that ...
*supportive*. The person in question had written a note describing his situation
and asking for advice. Several of us (I think there were seven or eight replies
that I saw) gave his questions some real thought, and offered what seemed to me,
and what I am sure we all intended to be, our most sincere and helpful suggestions
and opinions, based on our own personal knowledge and experiences. Not one reply
that I saw was flaming him. Not one reply that I saw was written without some
careful consideration of what he had described as the problem. Those who replied
to him *were* offering support, or at least a real-life perspective on his situation.
In return, he wrote another note, which said (and these are his exact words):
"I am very disappointed ... your answers were not helpful at all ... why did you
not offer me encouragement ... many of you (meaning those of us who replied to him)
should have known better than to offer the type of advice you did ... I won't bother
turning to this group for advice any more ... many of you are incapable of offering
anything but a kneejerk response ... THANKS FOR NOTHING."
Now, if he asked for thoughts, opinions, and advice, and we gave him the best
that we could, and he chose to reject our opinions so vehemently -- it seems to me
that he was NOT looking for TRUE advice or support, but instead was wanting someone
to validate his already-formed opinions, or to tell him ... well, I don't know
what, exactly, but to tell him something that obviously wasn't what we *did* say.
That's why I replied to him as I did. He asked for our advice, we offered it
freely and willingly to the best of our ability, in a spirit of support, and he
told us that our comments weren't good enough for him because we didn't say what
he thought we should have said.
My response to him stands exactly as written.
My response to anyone else asking this group for support would be the same as
it was to him when he wrote his original post -- I would try to give my honest
opinion of the situation as I see it, and hope that the person in need of advice
would be able to gain something of value from whatever I have to say. That's what
a support group is, that's what we were trying to do, and I don't believe that's
what this person really wanted to get from us.
SoccerStepMom
>
> Another clear cut example of why I would rather lurk here for 3 years than
> expose myself in anyway....
>
> tsk tsk tsk and you call yourselves a -support- newsgroup:(
Depends what you mean by support. I reread this guy's post, and it sure
seemed to me that he was primarily concerned about money. Therefore,
people responded to what they saw him as asking about. I guess
different people express things differently. SSM
Merrie
group so I chose what I want to respond to and sometimes you get what
you paid for...)
Astro the Cat wrote:
>
> Why did practically none of you offer encouragement for the growing
> afffection between me and my SO's children?
Sorry - I tend to address whatever seems to be the *problem* posted...
The fact that things seem to be getting better between you and the kids
does make life a little nicer doesn't it.
I'm glad that the group was at least at one time helpful for you.
>
> As I stated in my original post, I am a lawyer. Those of you that posted
> messages that amount to "get legal advice and sign a good pre-nup" should
> understand something. A contract between me and my SO cannot bargain away
> her children's rights. In other words, she may agree that I will not be
> responsible to support her children, but any agreement she may enter into
> with me will probably be unenforceable against her children.
>
I know you had said that you were going to look into it and consult
other lawyers. I'm sure many would be interested in whatever
information you have found. Please include which state this pertains
to. When all is considered - I'd like to think that any prenup is
better than none.
> I believe that my SO, her children, and I, will make a success of this by
> being loving and thoughtful. However, I will not bother turning to this ng
> for help any more. Most of you are apparently incapable anything but a
> "knee-jerk" reaction.
>
> With some few exceptions - THANKS FOR NOTHING.
Obviously, I'm thinking I didn't say anything to offend you. But
really, if something doesn't apply to your situation don't take
offense. Often because of the medium we're using details of situations
don't come across as the author meant them to, and you have to believe
that a respondent has misinterpreted your post.
It's your responsibility to pick through the posts and gather whatever
information that can apply and be helpful for you. I really want people
to give their honest - even if misguided opinion.
I think of this support group as being a tool to solve problems and
somewhat to a lesser degree as a place to vent, and receive a cyber pat
on the back.
I'm not offended that you now feel it's a worthless tool - I am
actually glad that this group was able to help you at one time, and I'm
genuinely pleased that your relationship with your girlfriend's kids is
becoming a better one. I'm pleased for you but probably more pleased
for myself, because I contribute here and sometimes think it's a great
big time sinker. It isn't too important that my opinions be ones that
people think apply to their problem, but rather that they have a variety
of opinions and solutions to look at. I am not offended by persons that
just lurk, you'll never know they are there. But in real support groups
you'll find they get chided for "not contributing", which is a bit less
friendly. I actually sat silent for twelve weeks in support of those
people that didn't want to speak up in a group one time. Of course, no
one knew...
Merrie
Astro the Cat
Astro the Cat wrote in message ...
>Well, I must say that I am very disappointed in the responses from the
group
>>
etc.
OK - I take it back. I was being defensive & cranky. I should not let my
nerves hang out.
Thanks kids.
- A. -
Lisa
Merrie
good. One note of caution: not everyone gets the posts at the same time
and you may get your tail stepped on some more...
Merrie