balancing biokids and stepkids
Jage Kelmli
I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs having 2
homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays this
year, but I think it will keep coming up all our lives. The problem is this:
BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our court
ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on every
other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this. Last year,
I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to our house
when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and is
coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family celebration on
a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS and BD
to take into account. BD is only 11 months, and will never remember the
holidays this year, but I am insisting that we don't ignore the actual holiday
day for her just because we don't have SS on the holiday. SS has Santa come
twice, and I am afraid that it will be seen as unfair to BD over time that
Santa only visits her once. DH says she should just feel lucky that she has
only one home. He doesn't really want to have tradition and celebration that
happen when SS isn't with us. I think it is unfair to put the rest of our
family lives on hold because BM is a bitch and randomly denies and/or
restricts access. How do the rest of you handle this with kids who come and
go while you have kids who are always there? I don't want to take BD for
granted or not appreciate her presence because she is always there, but I
don't want SS to feel not important when he is there.
Gecko
jagek...@yahoo.comnospam wrote:
<snip>
BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our
court
> ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on
every
> other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't
be
> allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this.
<snip>
Well, for my two cents worth, I would say that if she is violating a
court ordered visitation schedule, file contempt paperwork! You're
right, you shouldn't have to put your whole family on hold because
she's being uncooperative. She needs to have consequences for her
wrong actions. It may be that the simple act of filing the paperwork
will make her change her attitude, once she sees that you're serious
about demanding your court ordered time. Just my opinion...
~gecko~
--
"Life. Don't talk to me about life."
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Sian Lee Reid
jagek...@yahoo.comnospam wrote:
> Hi-
>
> I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs having 2
> homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays this
> year, but I think it will keep coming up all our lives. The problem is this:
> BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our court
> ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on every
> other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
> allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this. Last year,
> I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to our house
> when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and is
> coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family celebration on
> a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS and BD
> to take into account.
You're right, BD won't care much this year, or probably next year either.
This is the first year my four year old has expressed any interest in the
whole proceeding at all (although she has always liked the decorations).
One of the ways I know of that some families have dealt with this is that
Santa only comes once. Wherever the child is Christmas eve/morning, that
is where Santa goes. The other parent has 'under the tree' presents from
family members for when the child arrives.
My SKs are older, (10 and 14) so Santa just doesn't go to Mom's house
anymore, because there aren't any little kids there. At least, that's
what the four year old will be told when she's old enough to enquire. I
think by the time SD is 12, the gifts in her stocking will all be from us;
the amount from Santa decreases a little every year as she gets older.
My problem is different, but related. We alternate between having SD from
the last day of school until 13h00 on Christmas day and from 13h00
Christmas day until she goes back to school. This year we're on the
latter shift. BD is only four, and for the first time, is excited about
presents. Do we make her wait all through the morning until her sister
arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
her she has to wait for everything else?
What are other people doing? Anne R., you're in the same boat this year,
aren't you...?
Sian
crazy
We have a somewhat similar situation. We have custody of step kids ages 9 and
6.5, my 2 bio kids from previous marriage ages 14 and 9, and "ours" who is 18
months.
Step kids alternate Christmas between bio mom and dad. One year we get them
Christmas and BM gets them from the 27th to Jan 2. The next year she gets them
from the 23rd to the 27th. When step kids are with BM for Christmas day, we
celebrate ours a bit early. Then on Christmas morning we also celebrate with
other kids that are home (a few extra gifts). It was hard the first couple of
times, without the whole family on the 25th, but we continued our regular routine
of wake up open gifts, breakfast, grandmas house, then to Nanna's house. BTW my
two older kids do not get to see their dad at Christmas, as he is a long haul
trucker and is not usually able to get near here. He sends gifts (which they open
Christmas day)and calls them to talk.
Hope this helps.
Jage Kelmli wrote:
> Hi-
>
> I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs having 2
> homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays this
> year, but I think it will keep coming up all our lives. The problem is this:
> BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our court
> ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on every
> other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
> allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this. Last year,
> I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to our house
> when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and is
> coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family celebration on
> a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS and BD
Anne Robotti
My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
tree whether SD is here or not. Period. There is no way they're waiting
for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
serious.
I sound like a bitch, and I'm very aware of that. But we have an additional
problem that BM has never, in all the years she's been supposed to drop
SD off for Christmas, dropped her off when she said she would. So I face
potential HOURS of "In a little while" if I do it that way. Plus, for every
other thing we've just made a habit of doing it with SD if she's here, and
not doing it with her if she's not. I don't put my kids lives on hold for
SD. If DH wants her to be here for Christmas Eve (when there's a big present-
fest at my inlaws) and Christmas morning, he can get on the phone with BM.
SD wants to be here, we want her here. Her mother won't allow it and I just
can't let that be my problem. This year is going to set the precedent of how
we handle this. SD will be opening presents at her house... is she going to
wait to open all her presents, ours and BMs, with my kids?
It's bad enough that DH tries to make the kids wait until a "reasonable hour"
to go down to the tree. No way they're waiting until 8:00 at night too.
Anne
Someone
When we did this (and the timing was almost identical - except it was noon
instead of 1) we let BD open her gifts when she woke up - with the
exception of her stocking.
We went to get SD, came home (after 3 hours on the road) and BD and SD got
to open their stockings together, and SD had her presents.
It's best to be 100% honest with BD about it too. Explain what's going to
happen on that day so she's prepared.
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
<slreid-0812...@192.0.2.1>...
: In article <384DE908...@uswest.netnospam>,
: jagek...@yahoo.comnospam wrote:
:
: > Hi-
: >
: > I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs
having 2
: > homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays
this
: > year, but I think it will keep coming up all our lives. The problem is
this:
: > BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our
court
: > ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on
every
: > other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
: > allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this.
Last year,
: > I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to
our house
: > when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and
is
: > coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family
celebration on
: > a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS
and BD
: > to take into account.
:
: You're right, BD won't care much this year, or probably next year either.
: This is the first year my four year old has expressed any interest in the
: whole proceeding at all (although she has always liked the decorations).
:
: One of the ways I know of that some families have dealt with this is that
: Santa only comes once. Wherever the child is Christmas eve/morning, that
: is where Santa goes. The other parent has 'under the tree' presents from
: family members for when the child arrives.
:
: My SKs are older, (10 and 14) so Santa just doesn't go to Mom's house
: anymore, because there aren't any little kids there. At least, that's
: what the four year old will be told when she's old enough to enquire. I
: think by the time SD is 12, the gifts in her stocking will all be from
us;
: the amount from Santa decreases a little every year as she gets older.
:
: My problem is different, but related. We alternate between having SD
:
Nikki Murphy
Nikki
Anne Robotti wrote:
> I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm doing.
> My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
> tree whether SD is here or not. Period. There is no way they're waiting
> for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
> I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
> our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
> serious.
>
> I sound like a bitch, and I'm very aware of that. But we have an additional
> problem that BM has never, in all the years she's been supposed to drop
> SD off for Christmas, dropped her off when she said she would. So I face
> potential HOURS of "In a little while" if I do it that way. Plus, for every
> other thing we've just made a habit of doing it with SD if she's here, and
> not doing it with her if she's not. I don't put my kids lives on hold for
> SD. If DH wants her to be here for Christmas Eve (when there's a big present-
> fest at my inlaws) and Christmas morning, he can get on the phone with BM.
> SD wants to be here, we want her here. Her mother won't allow it and I just
> can't let that be my problem. This year is going to set the precedent of how
> we handle this. SD will be opening presents at her house... is she going to
> wait to open all her presents, ours and BMs, with my kids?
>
> It's bad enough that DH tries to make the kids wait until a "reasonable hour"
> to go down to the tree. No way they're waiting until 8:00 at night too.
>
> Anne
>
> Sian Lee Reid wrote:
> >
Tracey
>My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
>tree whether SD is here or not. Period. There is no way they're waiting
>for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
>I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
>our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
>serious.
Why do you think nobody's going to like your response? I, for one,
am wholly in agreement with you. It would be quite different, I think,
if the kids were older (say, 13 or older) where you could let them
open up one or two really cool things and leave the rest until the
stepkids get there, but when you're talking 12 and under, that would
be pretty much torture, wouldn't it?
Tracey
--
In dog years.....I'd be dead.
Nikki Murphy
more constructive!
I have an SS that has lived with his father and I for 4 years and an SD that we've
been seeing that whole time once a month. (different BMs). SS was 6 when he came
to us. We always see SD after the fact - a couple of days after Christmas usually
and to be honest SS never had a problem seeing her open her presents at a
different time. It's not like he was jealous - he had already had all of his (and
usually had brought a load along to show his sister) and just accepted that his
sister hadn't yet had hers and we were giving them to her.
I don't think your issue is about your daughter knowing SS sees Santa twice. Just
leave out his presents when she gets hers and then she can see Santa came once,
left presents for them both and SS is opening his a couple of days later that's
all.
I think you've got to keep Christmas Day sacred in your own family first.
Cheers
Nikki
Jage Kelmli wrote:
> Hi-
>
> I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs having 2
> homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays this
> year, but I think it will keep coming up all our lives. The problem is this:
> BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our court
> ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on every
> other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
> allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this. Last year,
> I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to our house
> when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and is
> coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family celebration on
> a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS and BD
Tracey
>arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
>her she has to wait for everything else?
You know, Sian, that's kind of mean, isn't it? Let me rephrase that.
I wouldn't think anything of it IF you were establishing a tradition that
present opening is done during the afternoon of Christmas Day (or,
some people open all of their presents Christmas Eve and then isn't
Boxing Day the day *after* Christmas?), but I'm just not sure that
a child that age will be able to understand that this year we have to
wait until the afternoon, next year we'll get to do it in the morning,
the year after, maybe a day or two before if your SD wants to go
out of town, etc. Does that make sense?
I know that I'm in a much different situation than most here in that
my stepkids are so rarely around during *any* holiday that the idea
of holding things up until they get here just has never occurred to us.
If we did that, we would have celebrated Christmas three times in the
past five years, never celebrated Thanksgiving or Easter or....You
get the point.
For me, I want to establish traditions for our family. I want my kids
to enjoy Christmas, not feel resentment towards someone else be-
cause they had to put off doing things until they got there. If it were
different here, I would do my best to include my stepkids in things
and I think I would try to arrange things that are able to be done
*with* the stepkids (maybe think of a tradition that isn't day- or
time-dependent), but I wouldn't want to make a situation where
the BKs are pissed at the SKs because they had to wait to open
their presents.
I know that this isn't quite the same, but when I/we are at my
parents' house, the whole family can only get together on Christmas
Eve. During that time, we exchange whatever presents are being
given between the ones there (except for the ones from us to our
kids). Then Christmas morning is Christmas morning. Is the gifts
that you are giving your BD and your SD comparable enough so
that your BD can open all of the Santa presents and save the ones
from you and her dad until your SD get there? Or maybe if there
are more presents for BD than SD, you can just hold a few back
and then they can open them together. (That may sound bad, but
our daughter *always* gets more presents than our son, just be-
cause of the cost factor. Our son's presents *cost* more, so the
money spent is the same, the amount of presents isn't.)
--
Someone
will be with BM Xmas Eve and Xmas Morning, because she would rather spend
more time with us going down to my family's, etc. And this year, BD will
open her presents when she gets up, as usual, but she gets to open her
stocking too. I think Anne's right, that we won't hold up our traditions
and holiday spirit waiting for SD.
The reason holding off on the stocking thing worked in the past was because
BD was younger, and the stocking was a surprise - BD had no idea she was
waiting for something.
Someone <som...@somewhere.com> wrote in article
<01bf4189$2ab51a20$e5d7...@pc.vaxxine.com>...
: I know you asked for Anne, but we had to deal with this as well.
:
: When we did this (and the timing was almost identical - except it was
noon
: instead of 1) we let BD open her gifts when she woke up - with the
: exception of her stocking.
:
: We went to get SD, came home (after 3 hours on the road) and BD and SD
got
: to open their stockings together, and SD had her presents.
:
: It's best to be 100% honest with BD about it too. Explain what's going
to
: happen on that day so she's prepared.
:
: Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
: <slreid-0812...@192.0.2.1>...
: : In article <384DE908...@uswest.netnospam>,
: :
: : You're right, BD won't care much this year, or probably next year
either.
:
: : This is the first year my four year old has expressed any interest in
the
: : whole proceeding at all (although she has always liked the
decorations).
: :
: : One of the ways I know of that some families have dealt with this is
that
: : Santa only comes once. Wherever the child is Christmas eve/morning,
that
: : is where Santa goes. The other parent has 'under the tree' presents
from
: : family members for when the child arrives.
: :
: : My SKs are older, (10 and 14) so Santa just doesn't go to Mom's house
: : anymore, because there aren't any little kids there. At least, that's
: : what the four year old will be told when she's old enough to enquire.
I
: : think by the time SD is 12, the gifts in her stocking will all be from
: us;
: : the amount from Santa decreases a little every year as she gets older.
: :
: : My problem is different, but related. We alternate between having SD
: from
: : the last day of school until 13h00 on Christmas day and from 13h00
: : Christmas day until she goes back to school. This year we're on the
: : latter shift. BD is only four, and for the first time, is excited
about
: : presents. Do we make her wait all through the morning until her sister
: : arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then
tell
: : her she has to wait for everything else?
: :
: : What are other people doing? Anne R., you're in the same boat this
: :
:
Tracey
>to BD over time that Santa only visits her once.
Well, this is just my opinion, but I think having Santa 'come twice' is
not a good thing. And just for the reasons you've stated. Your BD
(when she's old enough) will have to wonder why Santa visits SS
twice but her only once. I *know* that it's not fair to you all not to
see the 'Look what Santa brought me!!!' stuff with your SS, but at
the same time, I can't see it being fair to your BD.
>DH says she should just feel lucky that she has only one home.
That's a little much to ask of a very small child. 'Look, honey, I
know that you would like to have Santa come twice for you, too,
but, on the bright side, you only have one home, not two like SS.'
Honestly? I think most kids, at one time or another, would like to
have two homes. Heck, *I* wish I had two homes. <grin>.
>He doesn't really want to have tradition and celebration that
>happen when SS isn't with us.
I can understand your husband's side of it to a point. My husband
is very 'un-holiday'. Part of it is that he so rarely sees his kids on them.
But, he's *finally* getting the point that it's not fair to the kids that he
has *with* him if he doesn't at least attempt to get in the holiday mood.
>I think it is unfair to put the rest of our family lives on hold because
>BM is a bitch and randomly denies and/or restricts access.
I do, too. And I don't.
>How do the rest of you handle this with kids who come and go
>while you have kids who are always there?
Well, I think having traditions and sticking with them is what holidays
the holidays. You can figure out things that are changeable and do some
of them whenever you do have your SS (like, picking out the tree or
decorating it or whatever) and then have things that are set in stone
no matter what.
>I don't want to take BD for granted or not appreciate her presence
>because she is always there, but I don't want SS to feel not important
>when he is there.
I'll tell you a little story. Last winter, I was living at my parents' house
while my husband went to a school. Thanksgiving came around. My
husband was going to drive from Georgia to Indiana to spend the week-
end with us. About a week before Thanksgiving, one of my nephews
was at the house and asked my mother what she had planned for T-Day.
Her reply? 'Well, no one's able to be here that day, so I told them I
would work.' Uhm, hello?????? That was the first Thanksgiving that
myself and the kids had been able to be there in well over 8 years. In
fact, the way it turned out, two of my nephews and their girlfriends came
and ate dinner with me, my husband and our two kids. (My brother and
his wife and three kids didn't come and my dad went out deer hunting
about 45 minutes before dinner was ready.) Because of that, I have no
desire to make any big effort to go back home for Thanksgiving ever
again.
Is there a point to that story? Maybe. I know that since my mother
and father seem to place no importance on whether I'm there for the
holidays or not, I find it hard to feel it's important for me to be there.
And I'm an adult who can somewhat understand the dynamics of it
all. I think it's totally impossible to expect children to 'get it'. All they're
going to see is that things/holidays revolve around one child and they're
just not that 'important' in the grand scheme of things.
Sian Lee Reid
> >Do we make her wait all through the morning until her sister
> >arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
> >her she has to wait for everything else?
>
> You know, Sian, that's kind of mean, isn't it? Let me rephrase that.
> I wouldn't think anything of it IF you were establishing a tradition that
> present opening is done during the afternoon of Christmas Day (or,
> some people open all of their presents Christmas Eve and then isn't
> Boxing Day the day *after* Christmas?), but I'm just not sure that
> a child that age will be able to understand that this year we have to
> wait until the afternoon, next year we'll get to do it in the morning,
> the year after, maybe a day or two before if your SD wants to go
> out of town, etc. Does that make sense?
>
Well, the one thing I have on my side is that biodaughter very quickly
'presents out'. For her birthday this year, she opened one gift in the
morning and one after dinner, every day for three days! That was the only
way to 1) keep her interested in the gifts and 2) keep her from becoming
upset that someone was trying to make her open YET ANOTHER thing!
We have two trees at our house; a little one in the livingroom upstairs
(leftover from the apartment days of my first marriage!) and a big one
downstairs. The upstairs tree is in the same room as the fireplace, so
the routine is that all the 'Santa' gifts are there, and all the 'family'
gifts are around the big tree in the rec room. I thought maybe if I let
her open the stuff in her stocking, and maybe the 'Santa' gifts by the
little tree, she would be 'gifted out' until SD arrived (biomom is almost
always late, but never by hours). If *no one* opens anything under the
big tree until everyone is there, regardless of what shift we're on,
she'll understand that, won't she?
Christmas is a different sort of thing for my BD, in some ways, because we
have no television, and so she's not exposed to weeks and weeks of hype.
She doesn't get as wound up or excited about it as I remember doing. Then
again, I'm much lower key about it than my parents were, and we used to do
a lot of 'Christmas' activities in school (where BD doesn't, because there
is a broad ethnic and religious mix in her private school!)
Wondering if I need to rethink this...
Sian
Tracey
Well, now that you've expounded a bit, I don't see where you should.
I was confused, I guess, and, of course, I'm only going by what *my*
kids are like on Christmas morning. My kids don't get gifted out *at
all* and are ready, eager and willing to open everything. Gets pretty
funny at times when they mistakenly open something for someone
else. 'Oh. Thanks, Mom, for the electric blanket,' said with a confused
look on their face.
Actually, your plan with the stocking and the Santa gifts being opened
and the family gifts waiting until SD gets there sounds like a good plan
to me. I guess I was under the impression that no gift opening was going
to be done until your SD got there.
Sarai
Anne Robotti wrote in message <384E6987...@worldnet.att.net>...
>I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm doing.
>My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
>tree whether SD is here or not. Period.
I like this response damn well. I had this same opinion when I had a sd
too, and my son was just a baby. It's not my fault bm wanted to ruin
everyone's christmas, and she damn sure did'nt ruin mine and bs's.
There is no way they're waiting
>for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
>I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
>our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
>serious.
>
Lol, you go girlie.
>I sound like a bitch,
No you don't. Bm is the bitch. You can't help it if she does'nt want to
cooperate.
and I'm very aware of that. But we have an additional
>problem that BM has never, in all the years she's been supposed to drop
>SD off for Christmas, dropped her off when she said she would. So I face
>potential HOURS of "In a little while" if I do it that way. Plus, for every
>other thing we've just made a habit of doing it with SD if she's here, and
>not doing it with her if she's not. I don't put my kids lives on hold for
>SD.
The thing is, you would'nt be putting your lives on hold for sd, you would
be putting them on hold because of woman that does'nt care about her
daughter as much as she cares about ruining everyone's holiday's. I agree
with you, did the same thing as you when I had a sd, and will do it again if
I ever again have to deal with another selfish bm. Sd's mom does *not* set
the precedent of how you and your children spend Christmas.
If DH wants her to be here for Christmas Eve (when there's a big present-
>fest at my inlaws) and Christmas morning, he can get on the phone with BM.
>SD wants to be here, we want her here. Her mother won't allow it and I just
>can't let that be my problem. This year is going to set the precedent of
how
>we handle this. SD will be opening presents at her house... is she going to
>wait to open all her presents, ours and BMs, with my kids?
>
>It's bad enough that DH tries to make the kids wait until a "reasonable
hour"
>to go down to the tree. No way they're waiting until 8:00 at night too.
>
>Anne
>
Well, you got my support, for what it's worth. :)
Heather
Someone
you think it'll work for you, then I don't really see why it would be a
problem.
My BD is sort of the same way, that she gets "gifted out" rather quickly,
so when we have, in the past, delayed something like the stocking, it
wasn't a big deal.
We've seen both ends of the spectrum on here, and your family's solution
probably lies somewhere in the middle - where it suits all of you.
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
<slreid-0812...@192.0.2.1>...
:
: Wondering if I need to rethink this...
:
: Sian
:
Dana
So, if SD is at BMs Christmas morning and then comes to our house, her santa
stuff is waiting for her. BM does santa also. I am sure we may hit a big
bump when BD starts really understanding santa. BM gave SD her santa early
last year saying that santa stopped by MeMe's (BM MIL) early. I know, that
did not help huh?
Dana
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in message
news:slreid-0812...@192.0.2.1...
> presents. Do we make her wait all through the morning until her sister
> arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
> her she has to wait for everything else?
>
Dana
involved. You know Anne, we really need to talk. We are way too much
alike.
Dana
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:384E6987...@worldnet.att.net...
> I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm doing.
> My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
> tree whether SD is here or not. Period. There is no way they're waiting
> for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
> I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
> our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
> serious.
>
> I sound like a bitch, and I'm very aware of that. But we have an
additional
> problem that BM has never, in all the years she's been supposed to drop
> SD off for Christmas, dropped her off when she said she would. So I face
> potential HOURS of "In a little while" if I do it that way. Plus, for
every
> other thing we've just made a habit of doing it with SD if she's here, and
> not doing it with her if she's not. I don't put my kids lives on hold for
> SD. If DH wants her to be here for Christmas Eve (when there's a big
present-
> fest at my inlaws) and Christmas morning, he can get on the phone with BM.
> SD wants to be here, we want her here. Her mother won't allow it and I
just
> can't let that be my problem. This year is going to set the precedent of
how
> we handle this. SD will be opening presents at her house... is she going
to
> wait to open all her presents, ours and BMs, with my kids?
>
> It's bad enough that DH tries to make the kids wait until a "reasonable
hour"
> to go down to the tree. No way they're waiting until 8:00 at night too.
>
> Anne
>
Anne Robotti
from Santa to go around, that's how I would do it. Just like you're
planning to. My kids get one gift from Santa, plus their stockings.
Anne
Sian Lee Reid wrote:
>
> In article <384E7162...@mediaone.net>, rbran...@aol.com wrote:
>
> > >Do we make her wait all through the morning until her sister
> > >arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
> > >her she has to wait for everything else?
> >
Anne Robotti
have her to BM's at 1:00. When BM has her for Christmas Eve, the
earliest she'll even agree to is five, which is a joke because SD
*NEVER* has gotten here before seven. Once it was 9:30 at night!
Anne
Sarai wrote:
>
> Anne Robotti wrote in message <384E6987...@worldnet.att.net>...
> >I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm doing.
> >My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
> >tree whether SD is here or not. Period.
>
> I like this response damn well. I had this same opinion when I had a sd
> too, and my son was just a baby. It's not my fault bm wanted to ruin
> everyone's christmas, and she damn sure did'nt ruin mine and bs's.
>
> There is no way they're waiting
> >for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up, and
> >I told him that I would file for divorce on December 26th if he made
> >our kids base their holiday in all or part on when SD gets here. I was
> >serious.
> >
> Lol, you go girlie.
>
> >I sound like a bitch,
>
> No you don't. Bm is the bitch. You can't help it if she does'nt want to
> cooperate.
>
> and I'm very aware of that. But we have an additional
> >problem that BM has never, in all the years she's been supposed to drop
> >SD off for Christmas, dropped her off when she said she would. So I face
> >potential HOURS of "In a little while" if I do it that way. Plus, for every
> >other thing we've just made a habit of doing it with SD if she's here, and
> >not doing it with her if she's not. I don't put my kids lives on hold for
> >SD.
>
> The thing is, you would'nt be putting your lives on hold for sd, you would
> be putting them on hold because of woman that does'nt care about her
> daughter as much as she cares about ruining everyone's holiday's. I agree
> with you, did the same thing as you when I had a sd, and will do it again if
> I ever again have to deal with another selfish bm. Sd's mom does *not* set
> the precedent of how you and your children spend Christmas.
>
> If DH wants her to be here for Christmas Eve (when there's a big present-
> >fest at my inlaws) and Christmas morning, he can get on the phone with BM.
> >SD wants to be here, we want her here. Her mother won't allow it and I just
> >can't let that be my problem. This year is going to set the precedent of
> how
> >we handle this. SD will be opening presents at her house... is she going to
> >wait to open all her presents, ours and BMs, with my kids?
> >
> >It's bad enough that DH tries to make the kids wait until a "reasonable
> hour"
> >to go down to the tree. No way they're waiting until 8:00 at night too.
> >
> >Anne
> >
Anne Robotti
talk to me. Watch for my "holiday issues" post later, and a BIG, BIG
post on what I have to do this weekend to get myself back on track with
this party and SD coming. Thanksgiving I veered off course, and it's
going to happen again if I don't get my thoughts in order.
Anne
Melissa Torresan
<rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm doing.
bzzzt... incorrect! :)
You're doing the right thing, Anne.. If only I could be as sure I was
doing the right thing.. but thats another post..
Mel
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
---------------------------------------------------
Anne Robotti
the rest. Whether BM gets SS the same gifts is outside your circle
of control.
For me, it's not something I ever worried about.
Anne
tkwalker
> for anything because SD isn't here.
You go, girl! I couldn't agree with you more!
Kina
Someone
not to pre-empt any other plans they may have".
SO sat there on the phone and was like "Well, we have plans to drive down
to Erin's mom's on Christmas Day, and we have to be there by a certain time
because they're planning dinner and the whole night around us getting there
by X:00. I will pick her up at noon, and we can leave it at that."
It was nice of BM to offer to drive, and I hate to say this, but my
experience has been that if she's offering something like that, there's
usually an alterior motive. She kept on SO to agree to that, and he was
adamant that he'd pick up SD, so that way we will be ready for out trip on
time.
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in article
<384EA28F...@worldnet.att.net>...
: Another thing is, when we have SD for Christmas Eve, we "have" to
: have her to BM's at 1:00. When BM has her for Christmas Eve, the
: earliest she'll even agree to is five, which is a joke because SD
: *NEVER* has gotten here before seven. Once it was 9:30 at night!
:
: Anne
:
: Sarai wrote:
: >
: > Anne Robotti wrote in message <384E6987...@worldnet.att.net>...
: > >I know nobody's going to like thsi response, but here's what I'm
doing.
: > >My kids are running down the stairs screaming and tearing apart the
: > >tree whether SD is here or not. Period.
: >
: > I like this response damn well. I had this same opinion when I had a
sd
: > too, and my son was just a baby. It's not my fault bm wanted to ruin
: > everyone's christmas, and she damn sure did'nt ruin mine and bs's.
: >
: > There is no way they're waiting
: > >for anything because SD isn't here. DH tentatively brought this up,
:
Melissa Torresan
>See, our BM offered to drive SD back to our place on Christmas Day "so as
>not to pre-empt any other plans they may have".
>
>SO sat there on the phone and was like "Well, we have plans to drive down
>to Erin's mom's on Christmas Day, and we have to be there by a certain time
>because they're planning dinner and the whole night around us getting there
>by X:00. I will pick her up at noon, and we can leave it at that."
>
>It was nice of BM to offer to drive, and I hate to say this, but my
>experience has been that if she's offering something like that, there's
>usually an alterior motive. She kept on SO to agree to that, and he was
>adamant that he'd pick up SD, so that way we will be ready for out trip on
>time.
I suspect your suspicions are correct.. good on you for sticking to
your guns!
Anne Robotti
let their child visit until noon or one o'clock. But I think that when
parents divorce, they have to realize that the other parent is going
to want to spend part of Christmas with the child, generally. I think
it is definitely being a bitch if you do it deliberately to screw up
the other parent's plans, if you say you're going to be there at a certain
time and are several hours late, or prevent the child from enjoying
special holiday traditions with the other family. And I don't think CPs
necessarily have more "rights" to the child on Christmas. Turned around,
we hardly ever get to see SD, and for BM to hog all of Christmas too
seems very unreasonable.
Anne
"The Lurker" wrote:
>
> Hi everyone.
>
> I have been reading through these threads and most of them say that the BM
> is a bitch, or someother unsavoury term because they wont allow their kids
> visit the other parent until late on Xmas day.
> I am both CSM and CM and even if it is the "other" parents day, neither SO
> or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
> morning. We feel we have done all the hard work all year raising these kids
> and we want to share with them the joy of Xmas. We take them to Church
> regularly, which we will also do this Xmas. I overheard SD (10) explaining
> to her BM that she didnt want to come to her place until late Xmas morning
> because we were all going to Mass, which is the whole meaning of Xmas,and
> something *we* never mentioned to her, and the other BPs refuse to
> acknowledge the importance we place on this.
> I am not a bitch by any stretch of the imagination, although I can be!!
>
> I just want Xmas Day to be with my family and I for a few hours.
> Tracy
"The Lurker"
Kevin
> ---------------------------------------------------
> Melissa Torresan
> sm...@crosswinds.net
> "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
> ---------------------------------------------------
>
Kevin
--
Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
Louise Taylor
Tracy,
Why is it fair that the other parent *never* gets to share the joy of
Christmas morning with their child? Can you put yourself in their shoes
long enough to see how painful that is for them? My DH doesn't have
custody of his boys but not by his choice. Why can't he share the magic
and joy of Christmas morning with his sons? Why should he be punished
because he doesn't have custody?
I don't think our BM is a bitch. I just think she can be damn
unreasonable. The children have never woken up to Santa at our house. My
DH and I both have missed it. Just once we wanted to share that with
them. It isn't going to happen. Now that they don't believe anymore it
doesn't matter much. I just don't understand why CPs get to have all the
memories and the NCPs are left with the scraps.
Louise
Melissa Torresan
>In article <384e9d4c...@news.bigpond.com>, Melissa Torresan says...
>> ---------------------------------------------------
>> Melissa Torresan
>> sm...@crosswinds.net
>> "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
>> ---------------------------------------------------
>>
>Er.... an aeroplane movie by any chance?
One of my alltime favourites :) Flying High. One of the cable channels
we have has been running it and I've caught it a few times this month
- I always notice something I didn't see before!
Funnily enough, I saw this movie years ago when I was a kid, and I've
always thought the autopilot was inflatable :)
Mel
>Kevin
>--
>Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
---------------------------------------------------
Kallynn1
>or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
>morning. We feel we have done all the hard work all year raising these kids
>and we want to share with them the joy of Xmas.
Well, I am a CSM and CM as well and I would *never* deprive or delay bm from
spending christmas with *her* children. That just isn't fair dumping off the
kids basically after the holiday is over. It is very hard to be a NCP. Just
because your a NCP doesn't mean you love your children any less it just means
that you lost the battle in court. We have the kids to celebrate with on
Christmas Eve, and I do believe if church is a significant part of your
tradition that you could consider midnight mass so that bm could enjoy you kids
and the *kids* could enjoy their bm on christmas morning as well. As I said we
have the kids christmas eve for a big celebration and then we get up extra
early on christmas morning to let the kids open their presents and then their
mom picks then up at around 9 ish, then they have christmas breakfast with
their mother and her so and family and then open their gifts. I could never
cheat my sk's out of holidays with their bm. Having custody of kids doesn't
mean that you can manipulate time and holidays just because you think you
deserve it. It isn't about you, it is about the kids. I would do backflips to
switch weekends, trade holidays or whatever if BM had something special going
on and wanted to include the kids. You really need to sit down and think about
this because alot of people in this newsgroup are NCP's, listen to their
stories of how hard it is on them and how unfair it is to the kids.
Kallynn
Anne Robotti
on that. Thanks Kallynn.
Anne
"The Lurker"
said that it was what * we* did, not what I thought every CP's should do.
I said...
"I am both CSM and CM and even if it is the "other" parents day, neither SO
or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
morning. "
Louise said......
"Can you put yourself in their shoes long enough to see how painful that is
for
them?" My Ex is always so hungover on Xmas morning he wouldnt even wake
up with the kids anyway. BM never gets up before 10.30 unless she is meeting
her newest BF.
"DH and I both have missed it." I am sure you have, but both of our NCPs
have never even asked to have them for Xmas because they are so wrapped up
in their own little worlds.
"NCPs are left with the scraps"...we dont give them scraps, all they want is
what suits them.
then Anne said
"and for BM to hog all of Christmas too seems very unreasonable." It would
be if the NCPs really wanted them on the morning. I am not *Hogging* all of
Xmas Day, where did I say that???
"they have to realize that the other parent is going to want to"...yours
maybe, but ours dont want them until the afternoon usually anyway.
then Kallyn said...
"Well, I am a CSM and CM as well and I would *never* deprive or delay bm
from
spending christmas with *her* children". " As I said we have the
kids christmas eve for a big celebration and then we get up extra early on
christmas morning to let the kids open their presents and then their mom
picks then up at around 9 ish"....
and that's different to what I am doing??? , I dont think so
"That just isn't fair dumping off the kids basically after the holiday is
over." I am not dumping them whan the holiday is over. Where did you get
that from? The kids are going late morning, or before lunch so they can go
with their BPs and visit with their family, and have the main meal with
them. I never said they couldnt go with them at all, or we kept them all
day. In our situation we have the kids Xmas Eve and Morning so the kids have
a nice Xmas morning. Not one with hungover, crazy parents.
"NCP doesn't mean you love your children any less it just means that you
lost the battle in court"...... We never had court battles. BM was convicted
of child abuse, and my EX likes it the way it is.
"could consider midnight mass"..... that would be an option if the kids were
slightly older, but they are only 6,9,9,and 10, and they would be too tired
to get up happy .
" You really need to sit down and think about this because alot of people in
this newsgroup are NCP's" ... I know that Kallyn, but I was talking about
MY family, not what I thought everyone else should do for their own
particular situation. And from what I read in your letter, you are doing
exactly the same thing as I am, so maybe we should *both* sit down and think
about this!
Then Anne said
"I had a post all ready to go on this, but I don't think I can improve
on that. Thanks Kallynn."...except Kallyn is only doing what *we* are doing,
or can't you see that Anne?
Tracy....who knows now why she doesnt bother saying what happens in her
family anymore
Anne Robotti
>
> then Anne said
> "and for BM to hog all of Christmas too seems very unreasonable." It would
> be if the NCPs really wanted them on the morning. I am not *Hogging* all of
> Xmas Day, where did I say that???
Did I say you were?! I was talking about our BM, and all the CPs out
there who just deliberately screw up the NCPs Christmases with their
unreasonable demands. By the time I wrote the little snippet you're
quoting, I had moved on from your situation and was talking about my
own.
>
> Then Anne said
> "I had a post all ready to go on this, but I don't think I can improve
> on that. Thanks Kallynn."...except Kallyn is only doing what *we* are doing,
> or can't you see that Anne?
No, frankly I can't. You give the kids to BM/your ex after you go to
Church and open presents. It works for your family, fine. Doesn't Kallynn
have BM and her SO over to her house (no WAY that'd be happening here!)
for a big presents/breakfast thing? In my situation, that would go over
the bounds of what everybody would be comfortable with.
>
> Tracy....who knows now why she doesnt bother saying what happens in her
> family anymore
I certainly didn't mean to offend you.
Anne
jane lawrence
>
> In article <384DE908...@uswest.netnospam>,
> jagek...@yahoo.comnospam wrote:
>
> > Hi-
> >
> > I want to know how other families are balancing the problems of SKs having 2
> > homes and BKs having one? It is coming up for us around the holidays this
> > BM of my SS has told us she is denying access on Xmas, although it our court
> > ordered time with SS (he is 5 years old.) She has denied access on every
> > other holiday since thanksgiving, 1998, so we expect we really won't be
> > allowed to see him. So far, she has had no consequences for this. Last year,
> > I was still pregnant with our daughter. We simply had Santa come to our house
> > when we had SS. We explained that santa knows he has two houses, and is
> > coming twice for him because of this. We had an entire family celebration on
> > a day that wasn't 12/24-25. This worked well. This year, We have SS and BD
> > to take into account.
>
> You're right, BD won't care much this year, or probably next year either.
> This is the first year my four year old has expressed any interest in the
> whole proceeding at all (although she has always liked the decorations).
>
> One of the ways I know of that some families have dealt with this is that
> Santa only comes once. Wherever the child is Christmas eve/morning, that
> is where Santa goes. The other parent has 'under the tree' presents from
> family members for when the child arrives.
>
> My SKs are older, (10 and 14) so Santa just doesn't go to Mom's house
> anymore, because there aren't any little kids there. At least, that's
> what the four year old will be told when she's old enough to enquire. I
> think by the time SD is 12, the gifts in her stocking will all be from us;
> the amount from Santa decreases a little every year as she gets older.
>
> the last day of school until 13h00 on Christmas day and from 13h00
> Christmas day until she goes back to school. This year we're on the
> latter shift. BD is only four, and for the first time, is excited about
> arrives in the afternoon? Do we let her into her stocking, and then tell
> her she has to wait for everything else?
>
> aren't you...?
>
> Sian
IIRC, there are too many presents for one sitting at 4 anyway.
Why not let her at the stocking and a couple of things that will
entertain her, then save some to open with SD?
jane
Louise Taylor
> I just thought I'd reply to some of the replies I got regarding Xmas Day. I
> said that it was what * we* did, not what I thought every CP's should do.
> I said...
> "I am both CSM and CM and even if it is the "other" parents day, neither SO
> or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
> morning. "
You also said, "We feel we have done all the hard work all year raising these
kids and we want to share with them the joy of Xmas."
> Louise said......
> "Can you put yourself in their shoes long enough to see how painful that is
> for
> them?" My Ex is always so hungover on Xmas morning he wouldnt even wake
> up with the kids anyway. BM never gets up before 10.30 unless she is meeting
> her newest BF.
This wasn't in your original post. Your additional note about raising
them all year and wanting to share with them the joy of Xmas is what I
took exception with. I think no parent should ever be denied the right to
share the joy of Xmas with their child because one parent feels they have
somehow earned that right over the other one. My DH did not ask to get
divorced. He did not ask to have his children away from him. He earned
his right to share in the joys of living when he brought them into this
world and worked damn hard to provide for them. He still provides for
them.
> "DH and I both have missed it." I am sure you have, but both of our NCPs
> have never even asked to have them for Xmas because they are so wrapped up
> in their own little worlds.
And maybe they know that you will say no anyway. We are often afraid to
ask because we get very tired of being shot down and being accused of
being unreasonable because we want to spend time with the children.
Somedays we don't bother asking because the hassle we go through isn't
worth it in the end. Our BM acts like she is granting us the world if we
want one minute more with the children than the every other weekend
schedule which we have right now and which she doesn't follow.
> Tracy....who knows now why she doesnt bother saying what happens in her
> family anymore
Tracy, I just don't agree with this particular aspect of your family.
that doesn't mean I don't want you to post about it. One of your
sentences hit a hot button for me and others. When you look at that
sentence, I think you can see why.
Louise
"The Lurker"
afraid to
ask because we get very tired of being shot down and being accused of
being unreasonable because we want to spend time with the children."
Louise, after being CSP for 3 years, our BM has *never, ever* asked for the
kids other than her scheduled weekend, which generally half of that weekend
she dumps them at ther Mothers anyway. If she did ask on her "off" weekends
she could have them. We dont have a problem with that at all. She has never
once come to visit, or asked to visit them during the week, although she has
a car, and no other responsibilites other than her 9-5 job, and lives only
40 minutes away. Last year she took then for a few days with her current BF,
and when she got home from a long drive, she rang me in a panic to make sure
I would be home so she could bring them back. I asked her If she'd like them
overnight, and she could bring them back the next day so she could spend
some more time with them, and she just laughed and said "no way, they are
coming home to you!"
We do raise them all year, and the other BPS dont want any part in that
*trivia*. They only want what suits them. Our BM has been invited to
numerous school events and award nights, and her last 3 excuses were
"Mummy has to work all day and I'll be too tired to make it down by 7.30"
"Mummy has to get home to feed her dog, and he'll get lonely if I leave him"
"Mummy has to go out to tea with her friends, and they will be dissapointed
if I dont go"
So, thats what our BM is like, and she never asks for them and she's happy
with how it works, like we do all the work, and she doesnt have to.
Thats why we want them for Xmas morning, and she can have them after their
pressies are opened, and they have eaten.
We go to Mass on Xmas eve so thay can go to her place earlier, and this year
we dont have them to take to our family at all during the day, they are all
going to BPS families for lunch.
We are not keeping them home all day, only for a few hours morning.
I still dont think this would work for all step-families, and I am sorry if
I offended you, but I only wrote what was happening in our family.
You are lucky your ex wants to be more involved with raising your kids. If
ours did we would welcome it with open arms, and we would take turns with
special events like Xmas. They just dont seem to want it.
Tracy
Nikki Murphy
I understand what *everyone* is saying and I agree with all of it in some
respects! But I've just got to stick up for our resident Lurker a bit here.
Firstly let's remember it would be nice if she posted more and lurked less!
My stepson lives with us. His BM has never asked to see him on Xmas day while he
has lived with us. When he lived with BM he spent Xmas day with her and we'd see
him for a few days after Boxing Day (with a phone call Xmas day). He has
therefore spent every Xmas day with us. And you know what?! He *loves* it. Just
think, Christmas Day in the same house with the same traditions for three whole
years running! Christmas with the same type of tree and 'family' decorations
(including one's he's made which i've kept like my mom kept mine). Christmas
morning with the same routine of coming downstairs in our PJs to open presents.
Christmas dinner made by a Mom every year. Phew it may be early in the morning
for me but this is making me emotional.
SS never had Xmas's like these for the first 6 years of his life with BM. He
never knew where they were going to be Xmas morning, or who he'd be with. He'd
never know if the family were going to fight at the table to get BM to eat
something or they were just going to ignore that they she looked half dead. He
never knew how drunk or stoned his BM and her boyfriend were going to get. So
damn right he spents Xmas day with us. It's compounded by what little effort his
BM has made to stay in touch with him over the last 3.5 years.
We decided to go to Barcelona this christmas without even consulting BM. But
then we haven't heard from her directly since last December.
On the other hand - my SD doesn't live with us and we see her once a month. Damn
right she spends Xmas day with her mother and we see her the day after Boxing
Day usually.
Maybe our situations are exceptional. The status of the NCPs in our situation -
bm on one hand and us on the other is different to some of your guys. But I
really do feel that SS's place is with us Christmas day. And i honestly know he
would not want categorically to spend that day with BM. I am also sure that SD
enjoys herself immensely with her BM and that it's best for her not to wake up
with us that morning (bear in mind she has never woken up with us anyway in 5.5
years!).
So our Lurker is right in some cases. Just not all.
Nikki
\"The Lurker\" wrote:
> I just thought I'd reply to some of the replies I got regarding Xmas Day. I
> said that it was what * we* did, not what I thought every CP's should do.
> I said...
> "I am both CSM and CM and even if it is the "other" parents day, neither SO
> or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
> morning. "
>
> Louise said......
> "Can you put yourself in their shoes long enough to see how painful that is
> for
> them?" My Ex is always so hungover on Xmas morning he wouldnt even wake
> up with the kids anyway. BM never gets up before 10.30 unless she is meeting
> her newest BF.
>
> "DH and I both have missed it." I am sure you have, but both of our NCPs
> have never even asked to have them for Xmas because they are so wrapped up
> in their own little worlds.
>
> "NCPs are left with the scraps"...we dont give them scraps, all they want is
> what suits them.
> then Anne said
> "and for BM to hog all of Christmas too seems very unreasonable." It would
> be if the NCPs really wanted them on the morning. I am not *Hogging* all of
> Xmas Day, where did I say that???
>
> Then Anne said
> "I had a post all ready to go on this, but I don't think I can improve
> on that. Thanks Kallynn."...except Kallyn is only doing what *we* are doing,
> or can't you see that Anne?
>
Kallynn1
>on that. Thanks Kallynn.
>
>
No Anne, actually thank you. We have always done this with bm, but coming to
this newsgroup has opened my eyes to the pain that bm has over situations like
this, and it makes me more than willing to compromise any situation with her.
I have had my ups and downs with her as you know, but the fact remains that she
is the bm and always be the bm and I need to respect that and try to accomodate
her anyway that I can when it comes to her children.
Kallynn
Kallynn1
>"and for BM to hog all of Christmas too seems very unreasonable." It would
>be if the NCPs really wanted them on the morning. I am not *Hogging* all of
>Xmas Day, where did I say that???
When you said you wouldn't *allow* sk's to leave before a certain time.>"they
have to realize that the other parent is going to want to"...yours
>maybe, but ours dont want them until the afternoon usually anyway.
Then why would you have to say that you won't allow it?
>and that's different to what I am doing??? , I dont think so
Oh yes it is, because I will turn over the kids at 4 am on Christmas morning if
bm requests it. *I* don't think that since I have raised them the whole year
round that I can dictate what time they will be picked up and how much of the
holiday they can spend with her just because I feel that I have put in more
effort as a parent.>In our situation we have the kids Xmas Eve and Morning so
the kids have
>a nice Xmas morning. Not one with hungover, crazy parents.
You never mentioned hung over crazy parents in your first op.>We never had
court battles. BM was convicted
>of child abuse, and my EX likes it the way it is.
Well my husband was handed custody at first too, but it doesn't mean that BM is
any less their mother.>And from what I read in your letter, you are doing
>exactly the same thing as I am, so maybe we should *both* sit down and think
>about this!
Oh no we are not. Not once did *I* say that I wouldn't allow bm to pick up
kids before such and such time. Never said it!!! What I did say is that we
have an arrangment that allows us to spend christmas eve with our family and
then bm can pick up kids christmas *morning* so she can spend the *entire* day
with *her* children. Hey one year we opened gifts at 4 30 am to accomodate bm,
so that she could attend a special family function with *her* children. So I
really don't think I need to sit down and think about things because I
wholeheartedly try to do what is best for the kids with all *my* feelings put
aside. I try to have consideration for bm because it just has to suck only
getting to visit your kids even thought initially it was her own choice not to
have custody. I am a Bio Mother myself and the thought of me having to beg
someone else for visitation with my own daughters make me want to cry. The
thought of missing 1/2 of christmas day with my daughters to appease someone
else luncheon makes me want to cry. I will never, ever, ever put bm in this
situation because as a woman I can have empathy and know what it must feel
like. Reread your original post. You judge how you came accross and what
vital information you left out. And if bm was a stumbling drop dead drunk and
the kids didn't want to go for christmas with her but she still wanted to see
then, I would probably put a present under the tree myself for bm and invite
her over to open gifts with us, because that is how *I* am. So why your
circumstances may be different and you didnt include your circumstances in your
original post, please don't compare me to that because I am nothing like that.
Kallynn
Vicki Robinson
>
>Looking back, I'm not entirely comfortable with that decision.
>It seems a shame now that my ex never got to be Santa for his
>daughter.
Or do you mean that it seems a shame that your daughter never got to see her
Dad as Santa?
I feel that parents who don't share the middle-of-the-night fevers and
grocery store tantrums don't deserve to share the Hallmark moments either.
But the *kids* might want to share some of those Hallmark moments with a
mostly-absent parent. Do we want to punish the parent or give the child some
good memories?
Seriously, that's a hard question. I don't think the answer is clear-cut,
although my jerking knee wants to bawl "Oh, think of the children first!"
I'm not sure that the children's loss is of the same magnitude as the
parent's reward if we keep them with us as our reward for being there
whenever we are needed.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
jane lawrence
>
> We have two trees at our house; a little one in the livingroom upstairs
> (leftover from the apartment days of my first marriage!) and a big one
> downstairs. The upstairs tree is in the same room as the fireplace, so
> the routine is that all the 'Santa' gifts are there, and all the 'family'
> gifts are around the big tree in the rec room. I thought maybe if I let
> her open the stuff in her stocking, and maybe the 'Santa' gifts by the
> little tree, she would be 'gifted out' until SD arrived (biomom is almost
> always late, but never by hours). If *no one* opens anything under the
> big tree until everyone is there, regardless of what shift we're on,
> she'll understand that, won't she?
Yes, I think that should work. The stocking and Santa's gifts.
SD should be getting and opening those at her BM's house, right?
jane
jane lawrence
>
> So, thats what our BM is like, and she never asks for them and she's happy
> with how it works, like we do all the work, and she doesnt have to.
> Thats why we want them for Xmas morning, and she can have them after their
> pressies are opened, and they have eaten.
I have to say, I do know the feeling. During the Santa years,
my ex never got BD on xmas eve. My position was that if I had
our child 364 nights a year, then the one I didn't have her was
not going to be xmas eve.
Looking back, I'm not entirely comfortable with that decision.
It seems a shame now that my ex never got to be Santa for his
daughter.
jane
Sian Lee Reid
<jan...@excite.com> wrote:
She gets some here. (Santa doesn't go to her mom's because they don't have
any little kids). OTOH, SD is a sprinting unwrapper; she can unwrap six
gifts while I'm working on one, so it's not like she'll hold up BD
later...!
Sian
Louise Taylor
Christmas Eve has always been a very big deal in my family. We never had
dinner on Christmas Day; it was always on Christmas Eve. We always went
to the Candlelight Service at church and then went driving around to look
at all the lights. It was fun. DH and I would have loved the opportunity
to share this with the boys but it isn't likely to happen so I am going to
have to put it in that circle that is outside of my control.
Jane, hindsight it always better. There are lots of things we all wish we
had done differently. I admire you most for your honesty about yourself.
*hugs*
Louise
jane lawrence
> >It seems a shame now that my ex never got to be Santa for his
> >daughter.
>
> Dad as Santa?
>
> I feel that parents who don't share the middle-of-the-night fevers and
> grocery store tantrums don't deserve to share the Hallmark moments either.
> But the *kids* might want to share some of those Hallmark moments with a
> mostly-absent parent. Do we want to punish the parent or give the child some
> good memories?
>
> Seriously, that's a hard question. I don't think the answer is clear-cut,
> although my jerking knee wants to bawl "Oh, think of the children first!"
> I'm not sure that the children's loss is of the same magnitude as the
> parent's reward if we keep them with us as our reward for being there
> whenever we are needed.
>
I don't know for sure. I just got a pang when I realized that
my ex never got to see BD get up xmas morning and see what Santa
had brought. It's not the end of the world, or anything. He
did all that with his other kids, and she was my only little
one. Still...
You know what else? I could be completely wrong about this, but
I don't think that BD wants to leave here for xmas this year.
She always wants to see her father, so I really didn't give it
any thought. Then, something she said last night made me
think.
I think she is upset that she won't watch the new millennium
arrive with us here. Has anyone else heard rumblings about this
from their kids?
jane
Anne Robotti
great. Does it have to be the memory of being Santa *every single
year*, in spite of the fact that the NCP might want to do it for one
year?
Anne
Vicki Robinson wrote:
>
> In a previous article, jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> said:
>
> >
> >Looking back, I'm not entirely comfortable with that decision.
> >It seems a shame now that my ex never got to be Santa for his
> >daughter.
>
> Or do you mean that it seems a shame that your daughter never got to see her
> Dad as Santa?
>
> I feel that parents who don't share the middle-of-the-night fevers and
> grocery store tantrums don't deserve to share the Hallmark moments either.
> But the *kids* might want to share some of those Hallmark moments with a
> mostly-absent parent. Do we want to punish the parent or give the child some
> good memories?
>
> Seriously, that's a hard question. I don't think the answer is clear-cut,
> although my jerking knee wants to bawl "Oh, think of the children first!"
> I'm not sure that the children's loss is of the same magnitude as the
> parent's reward if we keep them with us as our reward for being there
> whenever we are needed.
>
Vicki Robinson
>But Vicki, a memory of being Santa is a reward for a CP and that's
>great. Does it have to be the memory of being Santa *every single
>year*, in spite of the fact that the NCP might want to do it for one
>year?
>
Anne, I'm talking about NCP who forget that they have kids most of the time,
but want the fun stuff. They don't want the piano lessons and the soccer
practices, they don't want to lead a Girl Scout troop or plan a Halloween
party or bake cupcakes for the Christmas party at school. When they can't
get out of seeing the kids, they pick them up late, drop them off early, and
in between they leave them with a sitter or grandparents. But they think
they should get Christmas morning?
Remember, we are NCPs for my stepkids, and this is the first Christmas *ever*
that my husband has had with his kids since they were toddlers. We dont'
think at all that we're cheating BM of her due; my husband drives 500 miles
round-trip every other weekend, come hell or high water, to see his kids. He
was the only parent, last year, who made it to every one of their scouting
camp outs, and all of the other parents are local. We think we *do* deserve
to see the kids, and yes, *we* deserve it. The kids do too, but aside from
that, we do too.
I'm not against NCPs having some good Santa memories; far from it. My real
question is how do you balance the kids' need to see their both parents in
this kind of role, with the undeniable "reward" that this is for the parents
too, when one parent has already abdicated?
And what are you doing posting to Usenet anyway? You have a party to get
ready for!
My house is clean. Neener neener.
Anne Robotti
a well-meaning friend has promised to kill me long before this dis-
aster of a party can take place. The only difference will be the
absence of me, the house already looks like a bomb went off. Kill me.
Please.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Well, I think you have to look at
the whole dynamic of the situation. We're the parents you're describing,
to a certain extent. Missed every Brownie troop outing. Missed almost
every parent-teacher night. Missed Back To School Night six years in
a row. Never been to a concert. Now, the reason all this is so is be-
cause we don't know about these things in advance. The school calendar
for September routinely reaches us on the 10th. We're never told about
Brownie things until the last second, and the one time I was supposed to
go to a Mother-Daughter fashion show, BM decided to go at the last
minute instead. We're never told about parent-teacher conferences, and
the school is iffy about giving out info. So, I guess if that's the
criteria, we fail. Do you know what I mean?
And I think there are a lot of parents out there who may not be trying
*now*, but tried until they ran up against that brick wall a hundred
times and now don't bother anymore. That doesn't mean they dont' want
to have special memories with their kids, but a lot of times things
aren't as black and white as they seem?
Anne
Jennifer Gibson
a previous marriage and a bio-son by my current husband so I am on both
sides of the tracks ! my daughters dad hasn't been in the picture till
recently so I to know how hard it is balancing with children. what I did
on christmas last year , was to give my children two since the step
kids were here for x-mas morning,we opened up the same amount of gifts
while the sk were here and later in the day I told my children that
since thy didn't have two homes that santa left a note saying to open
some of the gifts while the sk were here and to save some for later
because they wouldn't understand that santa left them les s t seemed to
work O.K. This year wont be the same since my daughter's dad is now
part of her life and she will have two christmas' while my son will
still only have one this year doesn't matter much because he to is only
one year old next year will be the challenge . I think what I will do is
since all the kids except my bio-son has two homes ,that when all the
other kids are with the other parents we'll have a special time for just
the three of us. maybe it will work out for the best !All I know it is
hard balancing more than one set of children! If anyone has ay Ideas
they can postit here or emiail me at Jen...@webtv.net
Anne Robotti
"fair." It helps that my BKs are 8 years younger than my SD, there's
a disparity in so many areas just because of that, that around Christmas
it doesn't seem like anybody thinks they *should* all have the same
number of gifts under the tree, or that we should have spent exactly
the same amount of money. I just write down what I want to buy each
child, from the thing I want most to the things I don't care about.
Then I go down the list until I've spent all the money I care to spend
and I'm happy with the pile. Then I stop. Like this year, I think
Charlie has five things, and I bet they cost a total of $50.00 SD has
20 things, I bet they total $200 and I'm not done. Brooke is in the
middle, of course I'm not done with her either so that could change.
But it's not because of who I love more, I'd walk in front of a train
for Brooke or Charlie! I think that if *I* project "it's not about who
got what" then the kids will get that too. JMHO, but I think the worst
thing *I* could do, around here, especially with SD tending to total
up every dime, is act like I'm buying into that "everything has to be
fair" stuff.
Anne
Geri and Brian
>dinner on Christmas Day; it was always on Christmas Eve. We always went
>to the Candlelight Service at church and then went driving around to look
>at all the lights. It was fun.
Wow - that is what we are going to do! We have SD this year for Christmas Eve
and until noon on Christmas. We are spending the day of Christmas Eve with
Brian's family, doing our present thing, dinner, etc. Then we will go home,
put on our Christmas dresses (or tie, in Brian's case - this year I got him a
tie with the Grinch, Max, and all of the Whos singing) and go to Candlelight
service. After that we will go and look at the lights and then come home and
get ready for Santa. We bought a "Santa Key" for our door, since we don't have
a chimney, and we will put that out, and the egg nog and cookies for Santa and
the reindeer. We will get up bright and early on Christmas Day, turn on the
Christmas music and have our family Christmas. (I understand Aunt Kelli - my
sister - has gotten SD one of those keyboards with the drum noises, etc. -
paybacks are hell as she says.) After breakfast (I am making cinnamon rolls.)
we will get her ready to go to her mom's. The transport person will be here at
about 11:30, I guess, and take her to wherever BM designates. (Our court
orders are specific to dates/times of exchange.)
After that, the day is ours. I will probably talk to my family on the phone
for a while. I am trying to make our Christmas here as nice as I can, so I
won't be too homesick. I think we might go see Bicentennial Man later in the
day.
Geri
~~~~~~~~~~
"Cats don't have nine lives, just two - theirs, then yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
To e-mail us, dump the litterbox. :-)
Someone
on Xmas Eve and Xmas Morning (til noon I think) because those are the "big
days". We will spend a lot of the rest of Xmas Day on the road together on
our way to my mom's. But, we usually let SD (who is 15) decide who she
wants to be with for which days over Xmas Break, and she usually opts for
whatever option lets her come with us to my mom's.
Reason being is that we have a pretty big family get-together, a large but
informal meal, and a lot of fun together. We then usually spend a few days
there relaxing and shopping and generally just being together. This part
of the holidays - even though it's celebrated on Xmas night and boxing day
and a couple days after - means more to her than Xmas Eve and Xmas Day (we
don't have a heck of a lot of formal traditions yet).
And it works out, because I think BM and her family there have some Holiday
traditions they like to celebrate on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. It's all in
how you look at it.
Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in article
<19991211094431...@ng-cc1.aol.com>...
: >We never had
:
John Hamlin
In my situation BM deserted her children and rarely makes an effort to see them
unless we make all the arrangements (including transportation) and she often wants
money (for groceries she says, although has had the balls to ask us for money for
"baby-sitting" after she had her children for a weekend, yes actually expected us
to pay her for caring for her own children and she pays no CS) so I do not feel bad
or guilty for her or the kids because she will have them for only a few hours
Christmas Eve, and we will have them all of Christmas Day. BTW my bio-kids have
always gone with their father Christmas Eve and they have been with me Christmas
Day. My ex has even said that after I have done everything for them all year, I am
entitled to spend Christmas Day with them.
Kallynn1 wrote:
>
>
> Well, I am a CSM and CM as well and I would *never* deprive or delay bm from
> spending christmas with *her* children. That just isn't fair dumping off the
> kids basically after the holiday is over. It is very hard to be a NCP. Just
> because your a NCP doesn't mean you love your children any less it just means
> that you lost the battle in court. We have the kids to celebrate with on
> Christmas Eve, and I do believe if church is a significant part of your
> tradition that you could consider midnight mass so that bm could enjoy you kids
> and the *kids* could enjoy their bm on christmas morning as well. As I said we
> have the kids christmas eve for a big celebration and then we get up extra
> early on christmas morning to let the kids open their presents and then their
Kallynn1
>My ex has even said that after I have done everything for them all year, I am
>entitled to spend Christmas Day with them.
>
Well that is very nice for you. My comment was to the OP and if you will read
the OP it said nothing about the bm other than she wasn't allowing the kids to
leave until they were basically done with them. This wasn't a generic
statement to all cp's seeings that I am a cp as well, this was a reply to a
specific poster who came accross as saying that the bm couldn't have the kids
because she deserved them on christmas because she raised them all year.
Everyones situation is different and when posts are responded to, people should
make sure to include all of the details because people only can respond to what
is posted. We don't know every detail of everyones life or everyones bm
situation. By the way, my bm abandonned her kids at the divorce, they were 5,
3 and newborn. My husband has had them since, with no child support for the
first 5 years, random visitation maybe 4 times a year, no birthday calls, no
christmas calls, barely anything (there were more circumstances but
irrelevant), however bm got her act together about 4 years ago and has tried to
maintain regular visition, pays support every two weeks and has made such a
huge effort to be a parent to these children. If I would have bucked in the
beginnning and refused her all rights to her children like I could have it
would have ended with the kids having probably a sole mother child relationship
with me (which wouldn't have been such a bad thing although we have a wonderful
relationship now) and total disrepect and disregard for their mother. But I
gave her the rope and figured either she would use it to A) establish a
relationship with her kids and do right by them or B) hang herself with it.
Thankfully she took the rope and regained her childrens respect and love, but I
had to give her the chance because regardless, she is their mother, she just
had some problems with growing up and I was more than happy to help a woman to
start being a mom again. I am absolutely sure that my step kids are greatful
too. Wouldn't it have been terrible if I would have said, hey I raised these
kids myself, school activities, conferences, sicknesses, yadda yadda yadda and
hey piss on her she don't deserve them, I do!!! What would have came out of
that besides me writing a bitter post about what an asshole bm is? Sure am
glad I took the road I did, because all benefitted from it, mainly the kids.
Kallynn
Kallynn1
>a chimney, and we will put that out, and the egg nog and cookies for Santa
>and
>the reindeer.
How cool. A "Santa Key". I like that, never heard of it before but what a
cute idea..
Kallynn
John Hamlin
deserve to spend Christmas at home with the people that love and care for them all
year. I was not trying to suggest that all situations are the same, or that what
works for me will work for everyone. I guess that I am lucky in that my ex
appreciates the fact that I have raised his children well and that with that
responsibility comes some rewards
John Hamlin
and he has the right to spend Christmas with his children that he has cared for all
year as well. Since when has any of this been up to the Stepparent over the Bio
parent? Yes if my DH said that his children were to spend Christmas with BM, I
wouldn't argue, I wouldn't be happy about it though.
Anne Robotti
that love and care for them all year." CPs don't corner the market on
caring for kids, or for taking care of them.
Anne
John Hamlin
involved a Bm that was unsupportive and only wanted to see her children for the "fun"
times. I would not suggest that all NCP don't love and care for their children. I was
jumped on when I originally posted for relating my own experience in relation to what
the original poster had written. I am in no way trying to speak for all, I can only
relate my own feelings and experiences. It seems that people take a lot of flak around
here for stating an opinion or relating their feelings. I for one will keep my mouth
shut from now on. I thought we were here to support and help each other, not to put
words in peoples mouths and ridicule them
Anne Robotti
your feelings. I hate that, I'm well known for it. That's why I love Usenet so
much, nobody ever does that. :D
Anne
Vicki Robinson
:It seems that people take a lot
:of flak around
:here for stating an opinion or relating their feelings. I for one will
:keep my mouth
:shut from now on. I thought we were here to support and help each other,
:not to put
:words in peoples mouths and ridicule them
:
I think you got into trouble here:
"I guess that what I was (inelegantly) trying to say is that I think
the children
deserve to spend Christmas at home with the people that love and care
for them all
year."
This is a general statement and has little to do with your specific
situation. The sore spot you inadvertantly hit was that there are
**lots** of people in this newsgroup who would give their teeth to
love and care for their children and stepchildren all year, and are
prevented from doing that by vindictive custodial parents. Children
are not always allowed free access to parents who love them
unreservedly, but are actually taught that those parents are in fact
indifferent and neglectful, when in truth the custodial parent is
doing his or her best to keep the other parent out of the kids' lives.
Kids are often loved and cared for all year by one parent, but not
because the other parent doesn't care. The other parent may care
*deeply*. Why shouldn't he or she get the chance to have Christmas
day with the children? Because s/he hasn't been with the kids during
the year? When it's the other parent's fault that contact hasn't
taken place?
My stepkids' biomom tried to keep my stepkids from us this Christmas,
although she's had every Christmas since 1991, and this year she
wanted New Year's too. My husband simply refused to accept it, and
we're picking them up Christmas Eve. God only knows what she's told
them about her broken heart and mean Daddy.
Kallynn1
>parent?
Well in *MY* situation we don't discriminate against step parents. I am the
step mother here but my husband respects my parenting enough to know that
everything I do is for the best interest of the kids. We are 50/50 in our
household. We have tried to blend as a family unit. This works for us. >Yes
if my DH said that his children were to spend Christmas with BM, I
>wouldn't argue, I wouldn't be happy about it though.
>
My husband doesn't announce things in our household. We discuss them before
hand, even to the point if bm calls and says, hey can I have the kids next
weekend instead of this weekend, my husband would say, hey I see no problem but
let me check with Kallynn first to make sure nothing is going on. My step kids
have two sets of parents and were taught from an early age to respect this.
If anything I said were ever disregarded because of the fact that I was *only a
step mom* I would have been out of here years ago.
>Since when has any of this been up to the Stepparent over the Bio
>parent? Since we became a family. Not roommates with those are your kids and
these are mine. We are a family and all family decisions are to be made by the
parents. If it is my household, husband and I decide. If it is bm's
household, she and her SO decide. If it is a decision that affects both
households we sit down and discuss it with *all* parents. We like things this
way because it works for us and doesn't allow the kids to manipulate anyone.
Such as "I don't have to, your not my real mom or real dad" or games played
back in forth between households...................
Kallynn
John & Lori
reached, the decision would ultimately be his........
Louise Taylor
> I guess that what I was (inelegantly) trying to say is that I think the children
> deserve to spend Christmas at home with the people that love and care for them all
> works for me will work for everyone. I guess that I am lucky in that my ex
> appreciates the fact that I have raised his children well and that with that
> responsibility comes some rewards
You know, this thread is getting on my nerves. "Love and care for them
all year" What does that mean? My DH loves and cares for his children
all year even when they are not with us. We don't turn off the emotions
because they aren't physically in our house. We care for them when they
are ill. I think all parents deserve to play Santa with their children at
least once in their lifetime providing they aren't child abusing, drug
abusing deadbeats. Why does physical custody equate with more love and
more caring? Why does the CP get to make all the decisions about
holidays, education, religion, etc.? Two people create a child.
Louise
John Hamlin
love and care for the children. BM is a deadbeat who will not see the kids unless there
is something in it for her. I was responding to a post by someone who accused me of
being unfair and keeping the kids from their mother at Christmas. My SK's mother has no
interest in seeing or caring for her children any other time of the year, why should we
bend over backwards for her at Christmas time. She will see them Christmas Eve, but they
will be at home with the people who hold their hands when they are sick, who provide for
evey one of their physical and emotional needs throughout the year. I WAS NOT suggesting
that all NCP are like the one in my situation.
Louise Taylor
> I am sorry that I offend you. I am speaking of my own situation here. In my situation we
> love and care for the children. BM is a deadbeat who will not see the kids unless there
> is something in it for her. I was responding to a post by someone who accused me of
> being unfair and keeping the kids from their mother at Christmas. My SK's mother has no
> interest in seeing or caring for her children any other time of the year, why should we
> bend over backwards for her at Christmas time. She will see them Christmas Eve, but they
> will be at home with the people who hold their hands when they are sick, who provide for
> evey one of their physical and emotional needs throughout the year. I WAS NOT suggesting
> that all NCP are like the one in my situation.
Then I might suggest you use less general wording. The occasional phrase
about this relating to your own experiences would help. Your statement
was very general. I am having a hard time dealing with generalities right
now. They paint with such a wide brush.
Not all NCPs are deadbeats. Some just want to spend time with their
children without interference from the OP. Some would love to spend more
time with their children but can't because the OP works hard to make sure
they don't even spend the minimum time with them. My DH would love
nothing more than being with his sons more often. We can't even seem to
get minimal visitation squared away. I do get offended by those who paint
NCPs as being some kind of deadbeat parents. Just like all BMs are not
bitches, all NCPs are not deadbeats.
Louise
Tammy Wilson
have to agree. There is a real tendancy (at times) to say screw you, we've
got custody, and we come first.. but after a while you come back down to
earth and remember who's really important.
That's not to say that we don't clash, and sometimes more often than not but
more often it's because she's missed a weekend in favor of being with her
friends, or the kids have come home upset because they were there all
weekend and she stayed in the basement on the computer or they were left
with her room-mate or someone else entirely. Then there's my personal
favorites keeping good clothes, sending home rags; and sending the kids home
with headlice repeatedly. So many times you want to squish her completely..
but they keep telling me I can't do that!
I guess we're fortunate when it comes to Christmas though. They celebrate on
Christmas Eve as a rule (My mom always did something special on Christmas
eve being french as well). We celebrate on Christmas day. This year we
offered to let her pick them up a day early since they're in school right to
the 23rd so she'd have them overnight instead of having them from morning
til when we pick them up at 10 pm. (We live almost 2 hours away.. this is
the one time of the year that we pick the kids up) Then they wake up at
home Christmas morning. It works out well for everyone.
Of course this didn't stop her from declining to take them next weekend so
she could go to her b/f's christmas party since she was already going to see
them that week anyhow.. why make two trips.. but I'm getting better at
not letting it get to me.. When the lights go out at night I know that
I've done all I can to make it work.. the rest is up to the man upstairs
Dh works the morning of Christmas eve as a rule (til noon) then they have
an office party. I go with him, and after we go for lunch.. go do some last
minute window shopping.. have a nice dinner, go to a movie.. a real special
"us' night.. before driving around looking at christmas lights and then
going to pick up the kids.. Kind of an early christmas present, I guess
you could say..
We've tried to be really flexible where weekends are concerned. We've
finally got her letting the kids stay home if they have a birthday party, or
camp or something.. This is not something to be abused. Often the kids
say they don't want to go, but they are told they have to have a good
reason. Dh and BM weren't working well together.. since she and I started
doing it there have been a lot less hassles. He's less stressed out, and we
all sleep better at night.. ;)
I guess it's true what they say, no matter how bad you think you've got it..
there's always someone out there who has it worse off..
Best wishes to you all with hopes of a safe and happy holiday.
Tammy
Step Parents & Friends
Http://www.delphi.com/stepmomx3
Kallynn1 <kall...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991209093117...@ng-bd1.aol.com...
> >I am both CSM and CM and even if it is the "other" parents day, neither
SO
> >or myself allow the kids to leave on Xmas day until lunchtime, or late
> >morning. We feel we have done all the hard work all year raising these
kids
> >and we want to share with them the joy of Xmas.
> on and wanted to include the kids. You really need to sit down and think
about
Kallynn1
>I've done all I can to make it work.. the rest is up to the man upstairs
I like that :o)
Kallynn
Geri and Brian
>cute idea..
Thanks! We thought it was cool, too. It is a big brass key shaped like Santa
at the top. We saw them up at a store in the mountains last summer, but they
were out of all but the display, so we drove up last month and checked again.
We got the last one. :-)