I feel like a Grinch
John Hamlin
job of taking all the kids into town and shopping for the ex's. My SK
will pick out something for their mom and my kids will pick out
something for their dad. I will get to pay for it all. I don't mind too
much. It just irks me that I have always done this and they have never
returned the favor. I don't know how many Mother's Days and Christmas
days when I was a single parent, I had to give my kids money so that
they could give me a gift. Now the SK want us to give them money so they
can shop for their new half sister, IMO this should be up to BM (this
is her child with her BF). Since we are CP we have given money to all
the kids so they can buy for each other. My ex gives my kids money to
buy for cousins etc.... on his side. I buy for cousins etc... on this
side. I don't know, maybe I am being petty. It's just when I see the
bank balance dwindling, I kind of resent being expected to buy gifts
even more people.
merrie
do not take the SK's out to buy stuff for their mom or their half-sibling
from her. On occasion, I might remind them that they may want to get her or
their bro something (if they have money) or make them something. Shortly
after BM's second marriage broke up, younger SS bought a gift for his
brother, and I began to feel badly as it got closer and closer to Christmas.
He hadn't seen his brother so he could give it to him. I was determined not
to have it sitting here come Christmas. I spoke with their BM on the phone
and asked for the address so it could be sent. She said she didn't have an
address and I didn't push it by telling her "not your address - the child's
address."
Buy a bottle of decoupage, have each kid make a picture frame with their
picture in it. I think all my kids (ages 3 - 17) would enjoy giving that to
their BM.
Merrie
John Hamlin wrote in message <385BB683...@sk.sympatico.ca>...
Tracey
>being expected to buy gifts even more people.
I know you have a few kids so maybe this is not feasible, but how
about instituting some sort of policy so that the kids can earn their
own money for gifts? Our son gets an allowance and, from October
on, he has to save at least a part of it to help pay for the gifts he
wants to buy (or the ones we *make* him buy <grin>). We usually
help him out by only making him cough up for half of the present
and we pay for the other half and then it's from 'both' of our kids.
Or how about starting a small Christmas club account? I haven't
checked into them lately but am going to right after Christmas.
I seem to remember that you can go pretty low on the weekly/
monthly payments and then, when Christmas hits, you have that
money already designated for the kids to spend on their parents/
each other/siblings/etc. (I know, Christmas clubs are not con-
sidered a 'good' thing as far as savings accounts go because
they have little or no interest, but they're great, IMO, because
you *can't* get it out.)
--
Tracey
--
Message from 2999:
Save the rainforests! The ape overlords tell
us the best bananas come from there.
--SciFi Channel--
lilblakdog
>well tomorrow is "ex shopping day"...
I don't think you're a grinch at all.
DH takes his son out each year and buys small, nine-year-old-sized presents
for:
- biomom
- stepdad
- DH's parents
- me
- my mom
Biomom takes care of buying presents for his half- and step-siblings, and
presumedly her husband. She also sends small gifts from their entire family
to us.
We don't buy gifts for them for anything else, although DH generally picks
out a birthday card for biomom from stepson.
How old are your stepkids? It seems to me that when they're young, they can
make something, and when they're older, they should use money of their own.
Do they get an allowance?
This really should never fall entirely into your lap, I don't think.
lil
---
"Who is at fault when a monster is a monster? Is it the monster's? Or the
person who created it to be a monster?"
John Hamlin
extra shifts at work and works 12 hr shifts until Christmas day (I'm not happy
about it but the extra cash will be nice). My SK are 4,5 & 8. the two youngest
do not get an allowance and I don't think it would be fair to ask the 8 year old
to pay the whole shot from her allowance. My Bk do some extra baby-sitting for
me while I am out doing some Xmas shopping so I don't feel too bad about kicking
in some extra cash for them to buy for their Dad, and bio-dad does help the kids
with gifts for his side of the family. I am not expected to do that.
BM on the other hand expects a gift from the kids and they expect to get her
one. I just don't think it should be up to us to get something for BM's baby as
well. BM should have done this. I think I will have them make something for BM
and baby and then I will pick up a scented candle or some bath beads (think
CHEAP), since this seems to be important to SK. Thanks
Daisy
speak....but rather for the children because it's the right thing to do!! A
applaud you for doing this for your kids, you're a special person. Bless
you!
Daisy
"John Hamlin" <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:385BB683...@sk.sympatico.ca...
> well tomorrow is "ex shopping day". That's right, I have the wonderful
> job of taking all the kids into town and shopping for the ex's. My SK
> will pick out something for their mom and my kids will pick out
> something for their dad. I will get to pay for it all. I don't mind too
> much. It just irks me that I have always done this and they have never
> returned the favor. I don't know how many Mother's Days and Christmas
> days when I was a single parent, I had to give my kids money so that
> they could give me a gift. Now the SK want us to give them money so they
> can shop for their new half sister, IMO this should be up to BM (this
> is her child with her BF). Since we are CP we have given money to all
> the kids so they can buy for each other. My ex gives my kids money to
> buy for cousins etc.... on his side. I buy for cousins etc... on this
> side. I don't know, maybe I am being petty. It's just when I see the
Daisy
of fun for them, a new tradition for you and the kids and relatively
inexpensive. I bake for my daycare families every year because presents are
just to expensive and they love the cookies and candy.
Daisy
"Tracey" <rbra...@mediaone.net> wrote in message
news:385BEA10...@mediaone.net...
> >It's just when I see the bank balance dwindling, I kind of resent
> >being expected to buy gifts even more people.
>
Anne Robotti
ex has a new SO? Let her take your kids shopping for your ex. And that
would be the fucking *DAY* I would go shopping for a present for BM.
I used to, because her birthday would come up, or Christmas or Valentine's
Day, and there was literally no one to take SD shopping for her Mom. I
smartened up when I realized that *no one*, not SD, not BM, not DH was
appreciating this. Why in the world are you doing this?
Anne
Newsgroups
and financiallyby doing this. this goes back to that whole "giving if you
make yourself feel good" thread. i considered getting sk's to go shopping
for their mom and then i slapped the shit out of myself and got real.
kitley
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:385C0F91...@worldnet.att.net...
Melissa J. Ryan
Every time a gift giving holiday comes up SO and get these expensive
inappropriate gifts that SS obviously did not pick out. Sometimes SS even asks
what they are because he hasn't a clue. We'd rather have a picture of SS or
something he's made like everyone else in SO's family gets from BM and SS at
Christmas. I mean BM's gifts have no real meaning.
Love,
Melissa
ICQ# 30417882
It's not talk of God or the decade ahead that allows you to get through the
worst.
It's "I do" and "you do" and "nobody said that" and "Who brought the subject up
first?"
-Stephen Sondheim
Newsgroups
kitley
Melissa J. Ryan <laa...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991219010704...@ng-fg1.aol.com...
Daisy
>I mean BM's gifts have no real meaning.
Please remember that not all BM's are this way. My ex has never even asked
my son if he wanted to get me something for my birthday or Christmas in the
two years we have been divorced. It would mean alot to me if he even picked
out something for fifty cents, it would at least show me that he has respect
for the fact that I am his childs mother and his child will love me
unconditionally even though my ex does not.
Daisy
Biological Mom
Geri and Brian
>for the fact that I am his childs mother
Daisy, you may be a really great mom, but there are BMs out here in the world
who do not deserve respect just because they gave birth to a child. Some of us
are dealing with those. Don't take it personally if some of us have less than
nice sentiments toward those people.
Geri
~~~~~~~~~~
"Cats don't have nine lives, just two - theirs, then yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
To e-mail us, dump the litterbox. :-)
Melissa J. Ryan
I know that Daisy. SD's mother is not this way, but SS's mother is.
jane lawrence
>
> Please remember that not all BM's are this way. My ex has never even asked
> my son if he wanted to get me something for my birthday or Christmas in the
> two years we have been divorced. It would mean alot to me if he even picked
> out something for fifty cents, it would at least show me that he has respect
> for the fact that I am his childs mother and his child will love me
> unconditionally even though my ex does not.
>
never dream of taking her to buy me something for xmas or my
birthday or even mother's day. She always has gotten me
something herself, though. Either she made something in school
or one of my friends offered to take her. I'm CP and I've never
gone beyond reminding her to call her dad on holidays. Well,
maybe I reminded her more when she was younger.
I don't dole out money for this kind of thing, though. I'm like
a bank. BD accrues money during the year from her allowance,
grades, birthdays, etc. Then I give it back to her when she
needs it. She usually needs a bunch at xmas for gifts.
jane
Melissa J. Ryan
>
>I took my SD shopping for holiday gifts for her mom, when I was in town on
>business a couple of weeks ago. SD is eight -- it isn't like she could go
>shopping alone, you know? I kind of thought that it was really important
>for SD to know that her daddy is going to continue to make sure that she has
>the things she needs (for example, the ability to go shopping for her mom).
>Who the presents are for is, to me, kind of irrelevant in the larger scheme.
>
>Does that make any sense? I'm kind of new at this whole stepparenting
>thing.
Sort of but my situation is a little different. SS does not even go shopping
for our gifts. They are from BM. It's weird as hell. Especially when SS will
say. "What did I get you?" Everyone else in SO's family gets a picture of
William in a nice frame (have since he was born) in addition to the hundreds of
pictures she sends to them each month, or a craft he's made for them. We get
expensive storebought gifts that William had no part in. Hell if SO's
reletives didn't send us pictures of SS we wouldn't have any.
Whenever William asks us what we want we tell him that could draw us a picture
or make us a card. He thinks that's a great idea and then we get some
storebought gift.
The only time this didn't happen was on SO's birthday when she sent that card
with the nasty message in it.
::sigh::
Someone
as my SD (15) has very bad spending habits.
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
<385D1B60...@excite.com>...
:
jane lawrence
> I kind of thought that it was really important
> for SD to know that her daddy is going to continue to make sure that she has
> the things she needs (for example, the ability to go shopping for her mom).
> Who the presents are for is, to me, kind of irrelevant in the larger scheme.
>
> Does that make any sense? I'm kind of new at this whole stepparenting
> thing.
Yes, it makes a lot of sense. I hadn't thought of it that way
before. Now that you mention it, though, the kids have a lot of
pressure to get their gifts bought, too, but they don't have
cars. So I think taking the kids shopping is part of both
parents' responsibilities if there is shared custody.
The problem as I see it is the responsibility trickling down to
steps who have a million other things to do and a million other
things to spend their money on.
jane
Daisy
may be.....it's not about her, it's about the children.......she will
forever be their mother and they will always love her no matter how bad she
is. I'm not asking anyone to show respect where respect is not
earned...however, showing respect for the fact that the stepchild does have
a mother is what I am talking ab out.
Daisy
"Geri and Brian" <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in message
news:19991219124021...@ng-cr1.aol.com...
> >it would at least show me that he has respect
> >for the fact that I am his childs mother
>
jane lawrence
>
> Jane, how old is BD again? This isn't a bad idea for the allowance thing,
> as my SD (15) has very bad spending habits.
BD is 12 now. She's pretty good with money. She doesn't need
to spend it as soon as she gets it.
jane
Vicki Robinson
:I didn't get any farther than this. Do I remember correctly that your
:ex has a new SO? Let her take your kids shopping for your ex.
Y'see, I feel differently about this. I take my kids shopping for
their dad, my ex, because *I'm* the one who chose him as their dad. I
wouldn't be overjoyed if my ex's SO took my kids shopping for their
dad. It wouldn't horrify me, but I kind of feel as though that's my
momly priviledge.
But I get my ex's SO a little gift too, at Christmas, and she gets us
something. And I make sure that my kids get her something too.
And we all exchange gifts at my ex's house on Christmas Eve, at a
dinner for which we all get dressed up. And my stepkids are invited
to his house this year. And he bought them a little present too.
I'll shut up now.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
Newsgroups
how much you like your sd's mother. That is wonderful. I, however, have a
different scenario. My sk's are with us full-time. Their mother has not
contributed a dime or penny to their welfare of any sort. Their father does
provide everything for them. Simply everything. The kids do periodically
see their mother. They have a grandmother there and BM has had innumberable
significant others. All of these people are more than welcome to take the
kids shopping at anytime. Even on the non-specified weekend. They also
receive money throughout the year that they are more than welcome to spend
on their mother when we go shopping as a unit. They make presents in school
and they are more than welcome to give those presents to her. Besides that,
what is wrong with making a craft at home to give to her or writing a nice
note and decorating the envelope for under the tree? That's what we did as
children and that is what my children do for me. That is what sk's do for
me. They all have accessibility to these supplies at any time. I believe,
that in stressing "shopping for the bm" you are only putting more pressure
on the whole holiday scenario of buying and not giving. There are lots of
ways to give. Not only at Christmas, but at all times through out the year,
which is what i stress. It seems that you are trying to make nice and even
though sd is 8 yo and it's commendable of you to be in control, also
remember that sometimes things change as you are the sm longer as well as
the second wife longer.
I don't think it's that you have so much of a different perspective as much
as an entirely different situation.
kitley
Donna <don...@Remove.These.Four.Wordsemail.msn.com> wrote in message
news:uMq7WsjS$GA.299@cpmsnbbsa05...
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Hmmm. My perspective is a little different from yours, Kitley.
>
> I took my SD shopping for holiday gifts for her mom, when I was in town on
> business a couple of weeks ago. SD is eight -- it isn't like she could go
> shopping alone, you know? I kind of thought that it was really important
> for SD to know that her daddy is going to continue to make sure that she
has
> the things she needs (for example, the ability to go shopping for her
mom).
> Who the presents are for is, to me, kind of irrelevant in the larger
scheme.
>
> Does that make any sense? I'm kind of new at this whole stepparenting
> thing.
>
> Donna
>
>
>
> Newsgroups wrote in message ...
Geri and Brian
>forever be their mother and they will always love her no matter how bad she
>is.
I guess I have a problem with words like "always", because there if often an
acception to blanket statements like this. My impression of my SD's
half-siblings' relationship with their mom is that they tolerate her, at best.
They don't buy her gifts or anything like that. I expect that my SD may well
end up with the same attitude (on her own - we are going to remain neutral
about it).
>showing respect for the fact that the stepchild does have
>a mother is what I am talking ab out.
Yes, well, in our case the reasons we think that is unfortunate are legion, but
what we do respect is SD's right to care about her mom, at least until she is
old enough to decide not to on her own - then we will respect that opinion as
well.
(Daisy, in our situation, my SD was not a product of a loving relationship, or
even planned - at least by my husband. We are trying to give her the very best
life we can, under the circumstances, and in the face of BM putting up
roadblocks at every turn, unless they benefit financially to her (or her
bizarre emotional state). Unfortunately, not every BM cares first about her
childrens' best interest, and when the children realize this, I wonder how many
really do "always" love their BM's.)
Daisy
"Geri and Brian" <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in message
> >she will
> >forever be their mother and they will always love her no matter how bad
she
> >is.
>
> I guess I have a problem with words like "always", because there if often
an
> acception to blanket statements like this. My impression of my SD's
> half-siblings' relationship with their mom is that they tolerate her, at
best.
Maybe so, and maybe she isn't the best mother in the world....and I'm sure
they will decide how to "tolerate" her once they become of age. But please
don't try to influence their decision by putting her down all the time. I
am really sincere about this, I really am.
> They don't buy her gifts or anything like that. I expect that my SD may
well
> end up with the same attitude (on her own - we are going to remain neutral
> about it).
That's a very wise decision to stay neutral in all of this...but at the same
time you need to gently remind her that it is a time of giving. I don't
like the idea of buying my ex and his new wife anything either...but because
they are my sons new step family, and because I want him to realize that
it's the right thing to do, I will bend and buy them something small from my
son.
>
> >showing respect for the fact that the stepchild does have
> >a mother is what I am talking ab out.
>
> Yes, well, in our case the reasons we think that is unfortunate are
legion, but
> what we do respect is SD's right to care about her mom, at least until she
is
> old enough to decide not to on her own - then we will respect that opinion
as
> well.
>
> (Daisy, in our situation, my SD was not a product of a loving
relationship, or
> even planned - at least by my husband.
I can understand how frustrating that must be, but you see it's not the
childs fault. Alot of children are not planned, but they should be loved
and respected just as if they were.
> We are trying to give her the very best
> life we can, under the circumstances, and in the face of BM putting up
> roadblocks at every turn, unless they benefit financially to her (or her
> bizarre emotional state). Unfortunately, not every BM cares first about
her
> childrens' best interest, and when the children realize this, I wonder how
many
> really do "always" love their BM's.)
Believe me, they will always have feelings for their mothers. It's just the
way things work. I'm sure you are a great stepmom! I'm just giving you a
perspective from another viewpoint.
Daisy
Anne Robotti
"momly privilege" ends when the marriage ends. I think that's more
of a "wifely privilege." Different strokes.
Anne
Who knows Vicki's way is more well-adjusted but doesn't forsee making
that leap any time soon. :D
merrie
I've got to ask. Why does helping your child find a gift for you
demonstrate respect for you as his mother? Teachers respect you as his
mother, neighbors respect you as his mother and they don't need to do that
by having the child buy you a gift. I don't think that respecting you as
the child's parent has much to do with having the kid buy you a gift.
Things like not speaking in derogatory terms of you to the child, telling
the child that they do have to follow your rules, following agreements -
those kinds of things are related to respect.
Presents are indicative of something else all together.
In the case of your ex, I think the person that should take the child
shopping for him would be his SO. She knows him best and would be most able
to help the child pick out something appropriate. I also think that your ex
should take the child shopping for his SO, but you are not your ex's
responsibility.
Daisy, if you are not getting respect as the child parent from your ex -
chances are the gift wouldn't be very respectful either.
If it's all about teaching your child about gift giving, then I would
think that the ex and his SO taking the child shopping would be supportive
of this. You can arrange to have a friend or relative take your son
shopping/make something for you.
Merrie
Daisy wrote in message ...
>
>"Melissa J. Ryan" <laa...@aol.com> wrote in message
>news:19991219010704...@ng-fg1.aol.com...
>
>
>
>>I mean BM's gifts have no real meaning.
>
>Please remember that not all BM's are this way. My ex has never even asked
>my son if he wanted to get me something for my birthday or Christmas in the
>two years we have been divorced. It would mean alot to me if he even
picked
>out something for fifty cents, it would at least show me that he has
respect
>for the fact that I am his childs mother and his child will love me
>unconditionally even though my ex does not.
>
>Daisy
>Biological Mom
merrie
Do you help the girls find something for your DH or does your ex? Does
your ex help the girls find something for you or does your DH? I have to
guess that your SK's BM helps them find something for your DH rather than
you taking them shopping.
For me - it makes sense in terms of just who is parenting the children
together. Given your situation, I would guess that you help the girls with
presents to your DH and your ex (and possibly their SM), your DH helps *all*
the kids with gifts for you, and his ex helps their kids with gifts for him
(and possibly you.)
Vicki Robinson wrote in message <83jb3j$kdr$1...@allhats.xcski.com>...
>In a previous article, Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> said:
>
>:I didn't get any farther than this. Do I remember correctly that your
>:ex has a new SO? Let her take your kids shopping for your ex.
>
>Y'see, I feel differently about this. I take my kids shopping for
>their dad, my ex, because *I'm* the one who chose him as their dad.
Now you are just creeping me out. If my SS's BM took this attitude,
we'd all be sick.
I
>wouldn't be overjoyed if my ex's SO took my kids shopping for their
>dad. It wouldn't horrify me, but I kind of feel as though that's my
>momly priviledge.
>
For many of us though, the BM is not the mommy in our home.
>But I get my ex's SO a little gift too, at Christmas, and she gets us
>something. And I make sure that my kids get her something too.
>
>And we all exchange gifts at my ex's house on Christmas Eve, at a
>dinner for which we all get dressed up. And my stepkids are invited
>to his house this year. And he bought them a little present too.
I'd guess that's because they're coming to his house. Does he buy them
something every year?
Daisy
guys taught me alot about how hard step parenting can be and for that I am
thankful for what I have learned. But there are things you could learn from
a BM as well. The only thing is I don't think it would be welcomed. Forget
about what I was trying to convey here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone, it's
time for me to leave. Carry on, be good to each other, and love those
children!
Daisy
"merrie" <mer...@svn.net> wrote in message
news:r8e74.95$bg....@nntp1-sf.pbi.net...
David Merchant
husbands ex he should have that responsibility, hes the one who married
her not you.
Cindy Martin
I do not take my SS shopping for his dad, his mom, her new husband, his
brother, or his grandparents. I didn't even ask this year (probably because
I don't care).
I used to because I felt it was the right thing to do. But, when SS and his
grandparents decided that I wasn't worth the effort, I decided that SS's
gift giving wasn't my problem.
Since I don't do it, I know his dad doesn't do it as he's just not that
thoughtful and doesn't think about it at all. He's used to me buying
everything for everyone.
Last year, he had to specifically ask me to buy his folks something. This
year, I informed him I wasn't doing it, period.
Last I heard, he wasn't even planning on going to his parents house for
Christmas.
Cindy
merrie
but more like who shops and who refuses to.
As a family, we go to a mall and DH will take some kids and I'll take
some kids, then we met and swap some kids and go shop some more. Then we
have to swap some kids again and shop again.
The older ones are asking about other kids combining their $$'s to get
them one big present, but I think I'd rather that each child spent a little
time thinking about what each sibling would like.
Merrie
Vicki Robinson wrote in message <83jtlr$jtr$1...@allhats.xcski.com>...
>In a previous article, "merrie" <mer...@svn.net> said:
>
>: Do you help the girls find something for your DH or does your ex?
>
>I help the kids find something for my husband.
>
>:Does
>:your ex help the girls find something for you or does your DH?
>
>My ex takes them shopping for me, and will, if they want, get
>something for both my husband and me.
>
>My husband doesn't take anyone shopping. No, he does take his
>children shopping for their mother. Her SO might do that too, I don't
>know. We don't ask.
>
>:I have to
>:guess that your SK's BM helps them find something for your DH rather than
>:you taking them shopping.
>:
>
>My SK's biomom does not make sure that they get him something, and I
>am not with them to do so. (My husband sees his kids mostly on his
>own; it's a 6 hour one-way drive and I usually can't spare the entire
>weekend.) The kids will often present him with something that they
>have made; pictures or poems, that kind of thing, but she does not
>take them shopping. I doubt that she even reminds them to make
>something.
>
>: For me - it makes sense in terms of just who is parenting the children
>:together. Given your situation, I would guess that you help the girls with
>:presents to your DH and your ex (and possibly their SM), your DH helps
*all*
>:the kids with gifts for you, and his ex helps their kids with gifts for
him
>:(and possibly you.)
>:
>
>Nope. I help my biokids with gifts to their biodad and his SO. (They
>are not married and they don't live together, but have been a couple
>for... 7 years now.) My ex and his SO take the kids shopping for me.
>I take my kids shopping for my DH.
>
>My DH takes his kids shopping for their mother. No one takes his kids
>shopping for him. Generally, I don't get anything from my SKs,
>although we often get drawings addressed to "Daddy and Vicki".
>
>I've never stopped to sort it out this way; I just do what seems right.
>And it's funny, but when I married again, my ex told my kids that
>it was now my husband's job to help them shop for me. They told him
>flatly that it was not my husband's job, that it was their father's
>job, since it was his "fault" that I was their mom. They accused him
>of just trying to duck his responsibility to *them* (not to me) and of
>trying to unfairly slough off his jobs onto their stepdad.
Someone
wherever) for her, then she had to ask you for it when she needed it?
I'm just trying to find ways of helping SD learn better spending habits.
As it is, she has a gift exchange amongst her friend for tomorrow, $30
limit, and she has no money, and we don't even have anything to give to her
to help her out.
I gave her some ideas for make-at-home stuff, and she may end up doing
that, but she still feels bad. My opinion? She should, because if she had
thought in advance about the holidays and that she'd need money, she would
have the money right now.
So, any ideas on helping a kid learn how to save would be terrific.
I am contemplating cutting down about a day's worth of chores in exchange
for me putting all of her allowance into an account or something, so that
she has to kind of go through someone to get her paws on it.
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
:
Vicki Robinson
Melissa J. Ryan
>they will decide how to "tolerate" her once they become of age. But please
>don't try to influence their decision by putting her down all the time. I
>am really sincere about this, I really am.
Daisy, Geri tries very hard not to down BM in front of her SD. In fact Geri
tries harder than many would in her situation.
>Alot of children are not planned, but they should be loved
>and respected just as if they were.
>
Also keep in mind that Geri loves her SD very much and once you stick around
long enough and read some of her posts you'll come to know that as we have.
Geri and Brian
>they will decide how to "tolerate" her once they become of age
They are 26 and 17 respectively.>but at the same
>time you need to gently remind her that it is a time of giving.
When she is old enough to request us to take her to buy something for BM, we
will do so. We will let her pick it out etc. - it will be her deal. (Our BM
does not understand appropriate boundaries, so Brian and I try to treat her as
neutrally and impersonally as possible. SD can have whatever relationship with
her mom she wants.)
Geri and Brian
>tries harder than many would in her situation.
Thanks! Some days it is REALLY hard to do, too - I have to give myself a
timeout, so I can keep from saying what I really think!
Melissa J. Ryan
Well she puts his name on the tags. I guess she considers that helping out.
>Is she prohibiting him from buying you things?
Well he'll be six this week. I think he's to young to shop on his own or
really have his own money.
ye...@my-deja.com
step-family gig. For the last year and 1/2 I have arranged with the
kids for DH's birthday, father's day and Christmas to get him a present
with them. I give them each a $ amount that they can each spend, or put
together and ask them to think about it and make plans and arrange with
me (ask me when they have a plan)for the transportation. Well, same
with Christmas this year. Ok, most of the planning is done by the 11
year old, the 6yr old is generally along for the ride, and goes along
with whatever her brother wants. Which is fine, I always make sure she
understands that if she wants to do her own thing we can arrange it.
Well, the deal was again laid out for them, I reminded them the time
frame, and gave a couple of other reminders as Christmas is coming up
fast. Well, they decided on the gift, and then decided that Saturday
morning (DH was at work, it was just us at the house) that we would make
the trip to the store...AFTER SS cleaned his room (guests were coming
for the weekend, it was already set up by dad), cleaned up his mess in
the kitchen and did some vacuming (that was a consequence for some
behavior earlier in the week). Well, I gave him our time frame in the
morning (what time his mom was going to pick him up) and all the things
that we needed to accomplish before we left for the store (there
was plenty of time for all)...and with a couple more reminders of
time interspersed..left him to his own devices. Needless to say, we
didn't make it to the store. So, now I'm feeling pretty stuck. I don't
want the 6 year old to suffer because big brother didn't keep his
bargain. (SD did get her "chores" done)...but I'm stuck between letting
him deal with the natural consequences and it being a holiday...and what
are my other options? Right now I'm planning on going to get the gift
that they "planned" for...but does anyone have any advice, or should I
just let it drop? He is having some responsibility issues with school
and home stuff, so while I don't feel like I HAVE to "parent" here, I
would like to help him in learning responsibility...
ange
In article <19991219220527...@ng-bh1.aol.com>,
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
John Hamlin
Well "ex-shopping" day is now over. We went to the store, I had the kids pick
out a few inexpensive items, and I paid for them. Then as we are walking
through the mall, Lo and behold, there is BM. She throws down her packages
and scoops the children in her arms and generally puts on a huge scene for
the friend she is with. Oldest SD asks "Mommy, why aren't you working?" BM
answers "I don't have to work this weekend." and continues on her merry way.
As soon as BM is out of earshot SD turns on me "You told me mom had to work
this weekend, we were supposed to go to mom's, how come we can't" all said in
a very accusatory tone. Now it was BM's weekend to have the kids and heaven
knows that I would have enjoyed a free weekend to finish up the last minute
things and BM told us that she had to work and wasn't able to take the kids.
I tried to tell SD very tactfully, that I don't know, why BM would tell s
that she had to work when she didn't. You know this pisses me off more than
anything BM does, lies to me and my SO, we in turn inadvertently lie to the
kids when we relay the information she has given us, then she makes us look
like the liars. Talk about feeling grinchlike. I just old SD that we only
told her what Mommy told us and that if she really wants an answer to her
question she could phone mommy later and ask her why she didn't have them
this weekend. SD later declined when SO asked if she wanted to call mommy (I
think SD didn't want to know the answer).
Donna wrote:
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Well, yeah. I was feeling pretty damn grinchy myself when I was shopping
> with SD, frankly. It was another x bucks that could have been put
> elsewhere, and I had a momentary (ok, more than momentary) wish that DH
> would have somehow managed to do this for himself. <grrr>
>
> So yeah, that would be optimal. It's nice to know that I wasn't just
> feeling bitchy -- or, more to the point, that the bitchy feeling isn't
> completely abnormal. <smile>
>
> Donna
>
> jane lawrence wrote in message <385D23EB...@excite.com>...
Geri and Brian
>through the mall, Lo and behold, there is BM. She throws down her packages
>and scoops the children in her arms and generally puts on a huge scene for
>the friend she is with.
Grr. We ran into BM in the course of our shopping yesterday, too. Thankfully,
SD was in a shopping cart and did not see her mom. We averted our eyes and
went the other way, though she was kind of giving my husband a little
stink-eye. We went clear to the other side of the store (we were in Target) to
try to avoid her, and the next thing we knew, there she was. So we decided to
just leave, and a few minutes later, there she was checking out the same time
we were. We were basically trying to avoid any sort of situation that might
result in interaction, such as SD seeing her mom. This seems to be precisely
the sort of thing that BM seems intent on setting up. I let Brian finish
checking out, and I took SD back to the dance clothes to look at them until BM
left.
My husband did tell me that I look 10-15 years younger than BM (I am 5 years
younger), and that he definitely traded up, so there was a small positive note
to the incident. :-)
Anne Robotti
nothing personal, but *every* post in this newsgroup is analyzed, argued
with, re-analyzed... it might not be that people don't understand what
*you* were trying to say, but your post might have inspired them to tell
you where *they* are coming from. If that's not what you want, it's just
a fact that you probably won't be happy here.
Anne
jane lawrence
>
> So, you had a set amount of allowance for BD, put it into an account (or
> wherever) for her, then she had to ask you for it when she needed it?
>
> I'm just trying to find ways of helping SD learn better spending habits.
> As it is, she has a gift exchange amongst her friend for tomorrow, $30
> limit, and she has no money, and we don't even have anything to give to her
> to help her out.
>
> I gave her some ideas for make-at-home stuff, and she may end up doing
> that, but she still feels bad. My opinion? She should, because if she had
> thought in advance about the holidays and that she'd need money, she would
> have the money right now.
>
> So, any ideas on helping a kid learn how to save would be terrific.
> I am contemplating cutting down about a day's worth of chores in exchange
> for me putting all of her allowance into an account or something, so that
> she has to kind of go through someone to get her paws on it.
>
I guess I'm like an ATM.
BD doesn't really have to justify to me why she needs the
money. It's just not in her pocket. Maybe I'll see about a
bank account soon. Can kids have ATM cards?
jane
Someone
available to avoid bearing the brunt of the blame for "lying" to the kids.
1. When BM calls to cancel, get the kids on the phone and make her tell
them herself.
2. If that's not an option, when you have to break the news to SKs, tell
them BM has cancelled, and if they ask why, call up BM and make her
explain. Let the false info come from the horse's mouth.
You know?
John Hamlin <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in article
<385E37F0...@sk.sympatico.ca>...
:
: Well "ex-shopping" day is now over. We went to the store, I had the kids
pick
: out a few inexpensive items, and I paid for them. Then as we are walking
: through the mall, Lo and behold, there is BM. She throws down her
packages
: and scoops the children in her arms and generally puts on a huge scene
for
: the friend she is with. Oldest SD asks "Mommy, why aren't you working?"
:
:
Someone
playing a game with you guys?
Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in article
<19991220094346...@ng-cr1.aol.com>...
: >Then as we are walking
: >through the mall, Lo and behold, there is BM. She throws down her
packages
: >and scoops the children in her arms and generally puts on a huge scene
for
: >the friend she is with.
:
: Grr. We ran into BM in the course of our shopping yesterday, too.
:
Someone
account at our bank (a savings account with a debit card) so that she can
have more options and control over spending and saving...
Some banks, especially in larger cities, have special "teen" accounts. One
I heard of was a Savings account with an ATM card, solely in the child's
name, then when they turn 16 (or something!) it turns into a checking
account, and there are low or no user fees on the account.
Call around, I'm sure in CA you can find something to suit BD. Where we
live it's just regular savings accounts, but with the card it's not a bad
option.
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
: I guess I'm like an ATM.
jane lawrence
>
> You miss the entire reason....I think I'll bow out of this newsgroup. YOu
> guys taught me alot about how hard step parenting can be and for that I am
> thankful for what I have learned. But there are things you could learn from
> a BM as well. The only thing is I don't think it would be welcomed. Forget
> about what I was trying to convey here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone, it's
> time for me to leave. Carry on, be good to each other, and love those
> children!
Ordinarily, I don't recommend that people stay when they post
that they're going. I'm only jumping in here because I think
you're missing an important point. It's one that comes up
pretty often here.
The whole value of this group as far as I can see is the result
of the different perspectives that people bring. It's great to
have people you can talk to who understand your situation, too.
But what really helps me is the combined experience and wisdom
of the whole group. Away from this group, when I have a problem
with the step-family situation, I'm just one upset, confused,
angry, scared woman trying to figure out what to do. My poor
little mind races nowhere, like when you floor a the gas in
neutral. Other posters' wisdom is just what I need to slow me
down so that I can get back in gear.
The most important input for me is the post that provides
insight that I do not have. Often, that is the key, the piece
that helps me solve the puzzle. If I'm uncertain about
something because I'm already looking at it from several
different perspectives, then I appreciate people telling me
whether or not I'm on the right track. But, when I'm really in
trouble, I need other posters to come up with the viewpoint that
I don't see myself. I need them to do more than agree with me.
To sum up, you bring a valuable perspective to the group. You
may find that like me you learn a lot from the other
perspectives posters bring. This group is a great place to be
if you can get past being hurt by people disagreeing with you.
jane
merrie
In order for them to have an ATM card - it had to be backed by an adult.
This was also required for the cashing of paychecks - meaning that the bank
didn't place a hold on their paycheck.
Now the kids have complete control over their own accounts, but
paychecks are held depending on the amount of funds they have to cover them.
Merrie
jane lawrence wrote in message <385E6AF0...@excite.com>...
>Someone wrote:
>>
>> So, you had a set amount of allowance for BD, put it into an account (or
>> wherever) for her, then she had to ask you for it when she needed it?
>>
>> I'm just trying to find ways of helping SD learn better spending habits.
>> As it is, she has a gift exchange amongst her friend for tomorrow, $30
>> limit, and she has no money, and we don't even have anything to give to
her
>> to help her out.
>>
>> I gave her some ideas for make-at-home stuff, and she may end up doing
>> that, but she still feels bad. My opinion? She should, because if she
had
>> thought in advance about the holidays and that she'd need money, she
would
>> have the money right now.
>>
>> So, any ideas on helping a kid learn how to save would be terrific.
>> I am contemplating cutting down about a day's worth of chores in exchange
>> for me putting all of her allowance into an account or something, so that
>> she has to kind of go through someone to get her paws on it.
>>
>
merrie
The point was this. For the most part each person causes their own
suffering.
When you tie up this:
"it would at least show me that he has
>> respect
>> >for the fact that I am his childs mother and his child will love me
>> >unconditionally even though my ex does not."
with your ex helping your son buy you a gift, you've then created an
expectation that will lead to disappointment. Especially, since you know
the ex hasn't done this for the past two years.
I'm suggesting that you not even consider that the ex would involve
himself with your son's gift to you, and that you pay more attention to the
ways in which he does demonstrate respect for you as his child's mother. I
just think you'd be happier with that.
Merrie
Daisy wrote in message ...
>You miss the entire reason....I think I'll bow out of this newsgroup. YOu
>guys taught me alot about how hard step parenting can be and for that I am
>thankful for what I have learned. But there are things you could learn
from
>a BM as well. The only thing is I don't think it would be welcomed.
Forget
>about what I was trying to convey here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone, it's
>time for me to leave. Carry on, be good to each other, and love those
>children!
>
jane lawrence
>
> So, now I'm feeling pretty stuck. I don't
> want the 6 year old to suffer because big brother didn't keep his
> bargain. (SD did get her "chores" done)...but I'm stuck between letting
> him deal with the natural consequences and it being a holiday...and what
> are my other options? Right now I'm planning on going to get the gift
> that they "planned" for...but does anyone have any advice, or should I
> just let it drop?
Yuck. I wish I had some advice. Is there any chance you can
take him out another time before xmas? Could you give BM a
heads up? I forget your specifics, but would it be possible to
pick up SD one evening take her to eat and to buy the present
without SS?
jane
Geri and Brian
>playing a game with you guys?
>
She kind of stood around like she was waiting for something, but she didn't try
to get SD's attention overtly.
Melissa Torresan
>You miss the entire reason....I think I'll bow out of this newsgroup. YOu
>guys taught me alot about how hard step parenting can be and for that I am
>thankful for what I have learned. But there are things you could learn from
>a BM as well. The only thing is I don't think it would be welcomed. Forget
>about what I was trying to convey here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone, it's
>time for me to leave. Carry on, be good to each other, and love those
>children!
WHOA!!! Sure there are things we can learn from you and other BM's out
there, Daisy, and it IS welcomed. What you have to realise is that
everyone has different situations, and while most of us would love to
have a BM as nice as you, a lot of us don't. I think I get what you're
trying to say here, and I understand how you feel. Maybe it's best to
describe it from my own point of view.
If I took SK shopping to get a present for his Mum, SK would be fine
with that.. BM would hit the roof. How dare I take her son shopping to
get her a present? How dare I stick my nose in? How dare I breathe
air? If SO did it, she'd say "Why did you do that.. I was going to
take him myself to get something and now you've wasted money on me, I
don't want you spending money on this kind of thing. You just pay your
child support and I pay for the rest of it" If SO and I went together
with SK to get her a present, it would be combination of both the
above, with a lot more screaming because of me sticking my nose in
than anything rational.
So BM is not getting any presents from us. Full stop. If she buys us
something, too bad. I'm not rushing out to get her anything out of a
sense of guilt. We're not taking SK shopping to get anything for BM
because SO has done that before, and been put back in his place
nicely. We've learnt the lesson.
Daisy, you're welcome here. The thing you have to realise is, not
everyone is going to agree with what you say, because a lot of us have
shitful situations that we cannot solve no matter what we do. I do
think Merrie had a big point in what she said - I also think no gift
can be equal to the rewards you get from your kids, anyway.
If you want to leave, you've got every right to do that too. But we
need a rational BM to make up for all the irrational ones we have in
our own lives..
Mel
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
---------------------------------------------------
ye...@my-deja.com
It's unlikely, but there might be a small window on Thursday. I don't
think I would be comfortable calling BM. There's no animosity, but I've
never initiated contact, and while it's always been pleasant between us,
BM and DH have always worked out any specifics in regards to the kids.
I think that I will definitely get the gift they talked about, and
depending on what SS comes up with (whether he even mentions it again
before he "sees" the gift, or maybe just comes to me with the intention
of finding a solution for his circumstance), he may get a "get out of
jail - free card" or the gift will be from SD and myself. If anyone has
any other ideas..I'm all ears. Thanks for listening. Am I being
too "grinchy"?
Merry Christmas
Ange
In article <385EFAC9...@excite.com>,
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
>
> Yuck. I wish I had some advice. Is there any chance you can
> take him out another time before xmas? Could you give BM a
> heads up? I forget your specifics, but would it be possible to
> pick up SD one evening take her to eat and to buy the present
> without SS?
>
> jane
>
merrie
I missed the original post on this and dug it up in deja.
While I don't think that the Christmas gift to Dad is the best issue to
use for feeling the effects of natural consequences, it's already been set
up that way.
There is something you could do, but I don't know if I like it. If you want
to continue with the natural consequences tied to this gift you can set it
up so SD can reap benefits even if SS doesn't.
Since SD isn't available to go shopping, buy the gift and bring it home
unwrapped. Give both kids their chores and by a certain allotted time -
wrap the gift. You can spend some private time with SD on wrapping it and
making a card. Maybe even extend this by having SD make the wrapping paper.
SS doesn't get to even see the gift. I think I would even have SD sign SS's
name on it.
His lack of emotional attachment to this present will be felt by him.
It just seems to me that there's too much "set up" for these to be
"natural" consequences... I also don't like the way Dad's emotions are tied
into this. Was Dad supposed to be told that SS didn't get his Dad a gift
because SS didn't think enough of him to get his chores done?
I think you'd be better off saying "Clean your rooms - then we'll make
cookies."
Merrie
ye...@my-deja.com wrote in message <83o6fm$scl$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
Someone
Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in article
<19991220221116...@ng-da1.aol.com>...
: >Geri, didn't BM try to get SD's attention or anything? Or was she just
:
tkwalker
John Hamlin <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:385E37F0...@sk.sympatico.ca...
(snipped)
> As soon as BM is out of earshot SD turns on me "You told me mom had to
work
> this weekend, we were supposed to go to mom's, how come we can't" all said
in
> a very accusatory tone. Now it was BM's weekend to have the kids and
heaven
> knows that I would have enjoyed a free weekend to finish up the last
minute
> things and BM told us that she had to work and wasn't able to take the
kids.
> I tried to tell SD very tactfully, that I don't know, why BM would tell s
> that she had to work when she didn't. You know this pisses me off more
than
> anything BM does, lies to me and my SO, we in turn inadvertently lie to
the
> kids when we relay the information she has given us, then she makes us
look
> like the liars.
YUCK. Just reading this gave me the eebie-jeebies. Having to cover for a
lying, difficult person that you really have no respect for in the first
place... YUCK!!!
Kina
tkwalker
Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in message
news:19991220094346...@ng-cr1.aol.com...
> Grr. We ran into BM in the course of our shopping yesterday, too.
Thankfully,
> SD was in a shopping cart and did not see her mom. We averted our eyes
and
> went the other way, though she was kind of giving my husband a little
> stink-eye. We went clear to the other side of the store (we were in
Target) to
> try to avoid her, and the next thing we knew, there she was. So we
decided to
> just leave, and a few minutes later, there she was checking out the same
time
> we were. We were basically trying to avoid any sort of situation that
might
> result in interaction, such as SD seeing her mom. This seems to be
precisely
> the sort of thing that BM seems intent on setting up. I let Brian finish
> checking out, and I took SD back to the dance clothes to look at them
until BM
> left.
I could've been worse (to "one-up" you). Once I had soon-to-be SS (I was
dating now DH) in the grocery store and BM walked in as we were checking
out. She proceeded to loudly announce to everyone in the checkout area:
"How's it feel to play "mommy", huh Kina? Doin' a good job? Come here
baby... there's my baby.... do you miss your REAL mommy, huh, do ya? Gimme
kisses..."
Then she took SS out of the store, put him in some guys car and left.
Imagine how FURIOUS my now DH was!
Whew...
(glad to now be over 800 miles away from BM)
Kina
merrie
tkwalker wrote in message <83pm2u$1n3$1...@news.laserlink.net>...
Someone
tkwalker <tkwa...@gateway.net> wrote in article
<83pm2u$1n3$1...@news.laserlink.net>...
:
: Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in message
: news:19991220094346...@ng-cr1.aol.com...
: > Grr. We ran into BM in the course of our shopping yesterday, too.
: Thankfully,
: > SD was in a shopping cart and did not see her mom. We averted our eyes
: and
: > went the other way, though she was kind of giving my husband a little
: > stink-eye. We went clear to the other side of the store (we were in
: Target) to
: > try to avoid her, and the next thing we knew, there she was. So we
: decided to
: > just leave, and a few minutes later, there she was checking out the
same
: time
: > we were. We were basically trying to avoid any sort of situation that
: might
: > result in interaction, such as SD seeing her mom. This seems to be
: precisely
: > the sort of thing that BM seems intent on setting up. I let Brian
finish
: > checking out, and I took SD back to the dance clothes to look at them
: until BM
: > left.
:
: I could've been worse (to "one-up" you). Once I had soon-to-be SS (I was
:
:
:
:
Geri and Brian
What is even wackier is yesterday we got a letter from her and she had a PS
tacked on stating she saw Brian at the store (no mention of me), but that he
must not have seen her. And that she tried to avoid him and leave as quickly
as possible.
That isn't what we saw.
Geri and Brian
>Imagine how FURIOUS my now DH was!
>
I can well imagine. If it was my husband's custody week, he would have
undoubtedly have called the sheriff.
>Whew...
>(glad to now be over 800 miles away from BM)
Green as the grinch with envy,