BD off to California for three weeks - SK jealousy
Lori H
California for three weeks in February. This is her father's sister and
brother in law that are taking her. They are paying for her hotel,
airline tickets, and meals all we have to come up with is her spending
money for admissions to the parks, clothing etc. A pretty generous offer
in my opinion. Now my SO is balking at the extra outlay of cash for her
spending money because his kids are jealous and he does not think that
it is fair that she gets to go and his kids do not. Any time my BD shows
any excitement about the trip SO says that she is "rubbing it in" and
reminds her that this is costing us extra cash and will be a burden. Why
can't he let her enjoy this? SO has admitted that he would be thrilled
if his kids were given an opportunity like this.
I told SO that I would not tell BD that she can't go and that I will
come up with the extra cash any way I can. I have been banking the puny
bit of CS that I get from her father for the past few months and I have
talked to my ex and he is more that willing to chip in half of her
spending money. I have tried to explain to SK that Aly's father's family
are the ones that are taking her and that is why she is able to go, and
they are not included. I would not expect their BM to take my daughter
if she took them on a trip. Yet this upcoming trip has created a rift
between myself and my SO and me and my SK, I think that they are all
being selfish. I try really hard to keep things fair in this house,
maybe it's not fair that BD gets to go and SK's don't, but wouldn't it
be more unfair if BD had to miss out because of jealousy?
Lori
Anne Robotti
being a giant, giant dickhead. You're absolutely right, he is
completely and totally wrong. I see where he's coming from, but he's
being an ass and *his* behavior, far more than anything your daughter
could do, is showing his kids exactly how they should be behaving on
this trip.
I'm not rich, but I'd gladly chip in $10 for such a good cause. This
is a once in a lifetime opportunity and for there to be the suggestion
that your daughter be deprived of it is just so wrong. I'm very sad
for her, that she has to put up with this.
Anne
On Sun, 04 Jan 2004 09:26:30 -0600, Lori H <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca>
wrote:
Lori H
Anne Robotti wrote:
> Lori, I'm short on time so I'm going to say this fast. Your SO is
> being a giant, giant dickhead. You're absolutely right, he is
> completely and totally wrong. I see where he's coming from, but he's
> being an ass and *his* behavior, far more than anything your daughter
> could do, is showing his kids exactly how they should be behaving on
> this trip.
>
> I'm not rich, but I'd gladly chip in $10 for such a good cause. This
> is a once in a lifetime opportunity and for there to be the
> suggestion that your daughter be deprived of it is just so wrong. I'm
> very sad for her, that she has to put up with this.
>
> Anne
>
>
> Thanks Anne. I think that I will try to have one more heart to heart
> with SO when he gets home from work. I want my daughter to enjoy
> everything about this trip, including the preparations for it with
> nothing but good feelings, no guilt.
Lori
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
wrote:
>Any time my BD shows
>any excitement about the trip SO says that she is "rubbing it in"
Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!
I absolutely *hate* when they pull that one! If any one of our kids
gets an opportunity to do something the others aren't going to do and
they show excitement about it, *someone* in the house pulls that card.
It's irritating as hell. You mean they're not supposed to let anyone
see that they're happy and excited about what they are getting to do?
Are they not supposed to tell anyone about it when they get home???
That is so totally outrageous. How would the folks saying this stuff
feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
Please feel free to print this out and show it to him.
Kitten
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
True evangelical faith cannot lie dormant. It clothes the naked, feeds
the hungry, comforts the sorrowful, shelters the destitute. And serves
those who harm it. -- Menno Simons, 1539
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix. It doesn't come in a bottle
or a pill, It comes from discipline. From taking everything life hands
you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it.
-- Ty Murray
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
jane
>spending money because his kids are jealous and he does not think that
>it is fair that she gets to go and his kids do not. Any time my BD shows
>any excitement about the trip SO says that she is "rubbing it in" and
>reminds her that this is costing us extra cash and will be a burden.
Allocate the same amount of money for a treat for his kid. If you can afford
it for your kid, you can afford it for his.
jane
>Lori
Tracey
>Allocate the same amount of money for a treat for his kid.
>If you can afford it for your kid, you can afford it for
>his.
But should that be the criteria? 'If I spend this amount of
money on one child, I *must* spend that amount of money on
the other?' I don't attempt to do it for our two kids, let
alone for the older three.
And what does that teach the kids about opportunities? How
long do you go along trying to even life out for them? It's
impossible to do, IMO, and I can't see the good that would
come out of it.
Tracey
Melissa
>Allocate the same amount of money for a treat for his kid. If you can afford
>it for your kid, you can afford it for his.
>
>jane
If we tried to do that for both the SK's I'd go nuts. Sometimes one kid is
going to get chances that the other doesn't. It won't ever be even, but at
some point his kids will get to do something that Lori's daughter won't.
Love,
Melissa
"The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!"
-Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye
Lynn Randall
"Lori H" <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:3FF830A6...@sk.sympatico.ca...
I try really hard to keep things fair in this house,
> maybe it's not fair that BD gets to go and SK's don't, but wouldn't it
> be more unfair if BD had to miss out because of jealousy?
> Lori
>
Yes!
Lynn
Lynn Randall
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:obcgvv07r2nr2rdlr...@4ax.com...
> Lori, I'm short on time so I'm going to say this fast. Your SO is
> being a giant, giant dickhead. You're absolutely right, he is
> completely and totally wrong. I see where he's coming from, but he's
> being an ass and *his* behavior, far more than anything your daughter
> could do, is showing his kids exactly how they should be behaving on
> this trip.
>
> I'm not rich, but I'd gladly chip in $10 for such a good cause. This
> is a once in a lifetime opportunity and for there to be the suggestion
> that your daughter be deprived of it is just so wrong. I'm very sad
> for her, that she has to put up with this.
>
> Anne
>
I completely agree with this. Sorry to say this, but if this were happening
to my daughter, I would take her aside and explain that SO and his kids are
just jealous; it's not right, but sometimes people feel this way. That you
are ecstatic she is going and she has every right to be thrilled. That if SO
and step-kids say negative things, just to ignore them. And that you and her
will celebrate privately. And I would be putting big time pressure on SO to
cut the crap.
Lynn
Tracey
>and my SO and me and my SK, I think that they are all
>being selfish. I try really hard to keep things fair in
>this house, maybe it's not fair that BD gets to go and SK's
>don't, but wouldn't it be more unfair if BD had to miss out
>because of jealousy?
As parents, we hate to see our kids hurt/angry/upset/sad.
One way to deal with that is to try and make it so that
there is no reason for them to be hurt/angry/upset/sad.
I'm not such a stickler for this because I'm not always
going to be able to take of things for them so that their
lives are perfect and everything is 'fair'. For me, the
*best* way to deal with this is to teach our kids that
sometimes things AREN'T 'fair' on the surface and how to
deal with it gracefully.
I think your SO's falling down in this area. In fact, it
seems he's falling down in this area not only where his
children are concerned, but personally, too. This is, IMO,
a great teaching opportunity. A time to start teaching his
kids that life doesn't always even out, that other people
have opportunities that we might never, ever have and that
being jealous/treating them badly because they do have those
opportunities will only hold us back and possibly hurt our
own chances for the same opportunities. Instead, he seems
to be teaching them a surefire way to be miserable for the
rest of their lives.
Tracey
Vicki Robinson
>I completely agree with this. Sorry to say this, but if this were happening
>to my daughter, I would take her aside and explain that SO and his kids are
>just jealous; it's not right, but sometimes people feel this way. That you
>are ecstatic she is going and she has every right to be thrilled. That if SO
>and step-kids say negative things, just to ignore them. And that you and her
>will celebrate privately. And I would be putting big time pressure on SO to
>cut the crap.
No kidding! Is this the way he's teaching his children to accept and
celebrate other peoples' good fortune?
Geez, he's doing them a terrible disservice.
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton
heather m.
trip for your daughter? I know you said that your banking your CS plus
getting half from the ex.
Heather
"Lori H" <joh...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:3FF830A6...@sk.sympatico.ca...
Wendy
"Tracey" <rbran...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:3FF84B57...@aol.com...
Okay, life isn't fair, but if there is one place that it would be nice for
things to be fair it's a home. It doesn't have to mean that they both get
the same at the same time, though. It could mean that when something
special comes along for the other children, then the money is found to enjoy
that. Things always seem to even out eventually here.
Wendy
Anne Robotti
<we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:
>Okay, life isn't fair, but if there is one place that it would be nice for
>things to be fair it's a home. It doesn't have to mean that they both get
>the same at the same time, though. It could mean that when something
>special comes along for the other children, then the money is found to enjoy
>that. Things always seem to even out eventually here.
And I'd be fine with this - until the other kids started acting like
jerks about one of the other kids getting something good. My kids are
far younger than these kids, and they already know that if they're
sulking on the other person's birthday (or whatever) I'm not going to
be sympathetic. But that if they're doing their best to support the
other person and not act out on those feelings of jealousy and
competitiveness, I'm going to reward that.
I probably *would* be planning a surprise for the disappointed kids -
until they started playing the "You're rubbing it in" card, and there
would go the surprise. I'm not going to let a compensation of any sort
be a reward for bratty behavior.
Anne
Anne Robotti
Couldn't bear to snip a word of this - absolutely right on.
Anne
The Watsons
> California for three weeks in February. This is her father's sister and
> brother in law that are taking her. They are paying for her hotel,
> airline tickets, and meals all we have to come up with is her spending
> money for admissions to the parks, clothing etc. A pretty generous offer
> in my opinion.
that's awesome...:D
will some of the parks do week passes, things like that? how about an
entertainment book? they're like 35 or 40 dollars, but they have coupons to
all kinds of places and mine paid for itself in two nights out....:)
>Now my SO is balking at the extra outlay of cash for her
> spending money because his kids are jealous and he does not think that
> it is fair that she gets to go and his kids do not. Any time my BD shows
> any excitement about the trip SO says that she is "rubbing it in" and
> reminds her that this is costing us extra cash and will be a burden. Why
> can't he let her enjoy this? SO has admitted that he would be thrilled
> if his kids were given an opportunity like this.
tell him to find a way to make it possible next year or something, and
otherwise, "if you can't say nothing nice..."
> I told SO that I would not tell BD that she can't go and that I will
> come up with the extra cash any way I can. I have been banking the puny
> bit of CS that I get from her father for the past few months and I have
> talked to my ex and he is more that willing to chip in half of her
> spending money.
coolness, but consider checking out the e-book and other things like
that...:) what airline is she going through? will they do any kind of
specials through the airlines?
I have tried to explain to SK that Aly's father's family
> are the ones that are taking her and that is why she is able to go, and
> they are not included. I would not expect their BM to take my daughter
> if she took them on a trip. Yet this upcoming trip has created a rift
> between myself and my SO and me and my SK, I think that they are all
> being selfish.
you're being kinder than i would be...:) honestly, with SO setting the
example, i don't think anything you say to SK is going to have much of an
impact....i'd hit SO with a clue by four and let him clean up the mess with
SK...
I try really hard to keep things fair in this house,
> maybe it's not fair that BD gets to go and SK's don't, but wouldn't it
> be more unfair if BD had to miss out because of jealousy?
yes, it would be, and ya know-SK will get a chance in the future that your
daughter prolly won't...so it will even out in the end...it just requires
the dirty "p" word...;)
Jess
Lori
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040104115532...@mb-m04.aol.com...
Wait a minute - she's said that she's saving what she can from the CS sent
by her daughter's father to give her for her spending money. Why should she
also have to come up with an equal ammount for her husband's kids? If he is
refusing to allow any of "his" money to go for it, then I disagree, if he
bears no responsibility to help with a treat for his stepchild, his wife
bears the same no responsibility for paying toward a treat for her
stepchild. Personally, I'd want to see at least part of the spending money
come from the household, just as it should when one of his kids would get to
go on some excursion. But if that's not gonna happen, then so be it, I
would say that if i were having to come up with the funds without help from
him, then he should foot the bill for any equalizing treat for his kids. I
would also point out that life is not always "fair", and that there's
nothing wrong with that at all.
Lori
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.558 / Virus Database: 350 - Release Date: 1/2/04
Lori H
heather m. wrote:
> Your SO is being an ass. However, is he contributing his money towards this
> trip for your daughter? I know you said that your banking your CS plus
> getting half from the ex.
>
> Heather
>
>
>
> Yes my SO will be contributing, all of our money is placed in a joint account and dealt with from
there. It should be noted that two of his children flew to Vancouver
last year to visit his parents. That money came from our joint account
as well.
Lori
jane
>And what does that teach the kids about opportunities? How
>long do you go along trying to even life out for them? It's
>impossible to do, IMO, and I can't see the good that would
>come out of it.
>
>Tracey
Regardless of life lessons for the kids, this is a marital issue. If you're
sharing money as this couple is, you have to agree on expenditures.
Now maybe you think an exceptional opportunity like this for your kid is more
worth the money. Bigger boom for the buck, since the relatives are picking up
most of the tab. He OTOH has a kid who not only doesn't get a couple of
hundred bucks spent on him, but he also doesn't have generous relatives
offering a vacation. So to him, his kid needs the layout more.
It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, if anyone is. It matters
whether you're both feeling yourselves and your kids are being treated fairly.
jane
jane
>a great teaching opportunity. A time to start teaching his
>kids that life doesn't always even out, that other people
>have opportunities that we might never, ever have
The thing is, Tracey, this is generally a lesson that we don't enjoy watching
someone else teach our kids. Moreover, many of us tend to see these great
teaching opportunities more easily when they involve other people's children.
There's no point fighting about this. DH is unhappy. He feels that he and his
kid are being slighted. There's no really good argument that SS is not missing
out, or that it's necessary that he miss out. If you told me that this was a
great opportunity for my kid to learn to suck it up, I'd tell you that I had
that covered thank-you very much, and that maybe this was a perfect opportunity
to teach your kid that charming lesson by not sending her on the trip at all.
Polarization, recrimination, and noting of every cent spent on anyone would
ensue. Then we'd agree to set aside money for my kid to have a nice treat,
too. I'm just saying, why not skip the fighting?
jane
>Tracey
Kathy Cole
wrote:
> Yes my SO will be contributing, all of our money is placed in a joint
> account and dealt with from there. It should be noted that two of his
> children flew to Vancouver last year to visit his parents. That money
> came from our joint account as well.
Then you could try reminding him of that, and suggest that he grow up
about your kid's opportunity.
Indyguy1
As a parent of two BKs who were bombarded with the whole even steven attitude
from *my* family, I suggest that you do NOT try and make sure each child, SK or
BK, gets everything exactly the same down to the penny.
What this did was drive a wedge between my two children. If one got A then the
other *expected* A too. When *I* didn't produce A for the other one they
started feeling that the other was favored. I finally put a stop to the way my
family did this. It has taken YEARS for my two to understand *fair* doesn't
mean even or the same. Fair is giving them each what they need, and that is not
always equal.
I always went along with the way my family did this until my younger child had
the opportunity to go to NYC in 6th grade with her theater group. Older child
asked me how much the trip was costing and I told her. Several days later she
came to me and told me how she wanted to spend *HER* $1000 (that was the figure
I told her the trip was costing).
Then and there I put a stop to the even steven crap.I used to kill myself
making sure each child had the exact money spent on them for gifts, etc. It
might work when kids are little and you want to be as fair as possible, but
when they get older it becomes insane. My oldest cheered for 15 years so if I
had let the even steven mentality continue I would have been banking thousands
of dollars every year for my younger child.
Tell your SO unless he is willing to match every single thing his kids get for
your child then he needs to put a sock in it. :)
Indy