Am I glad I'm not in *their* shoes!
lilblakdog
We're having a mini family reunion this evening. My cousin, Doug, will be
bringing his granddaughter, as her parents are unable to attend. Doug's
son, James, married a woman with five kids and they have one other
together--this little girl that Doug's bringing.
So the thought struck me...how often does this happen? All of the children
are under the age of ten, I think...definitely under the age of twelve.
Whereas I wouldn't relish the idea of entertaining six little kids, I'm not
entirely sure that treating one of the six as a member of the family is
altogether healthy either. So I asked my mom how often Doug singles out his
grandchild and she seems to think it happens quite a bit. Then she told me
some more.
James met this woman when she had three children and was pregnant again (all
with the same father). So naturally, not a lot of time had passed before
this woman decided to bring him into the household. The fourth pregnancy
turned out to be twins and, as their father wasn't involved since partway
through the pregnancy, James decided to raise them as his own. Then he has
one that *is* his own.
So here's the way things are working. There are six little kids. Three of
them go off to see their father (who is not the world's greatest guy, from
what I understand...he used to use his wife as a punching bag!). The next
two are being raised "sans father", so to speak (not treated badly, mind
you, but knowing that they're not to know their real father and the one
they've always called daddy now has a child of his own, that is viewed by
everybody as his only child), and the sixth is doted on and spoiled by Doug
and my aunt as the one and only grandchild.
Am I the only one that sees anything wrong with this? Granted, I don't have
six of them; but I would never treat my own children any differently than I
do my stepson. I might *feel* differently about them, but I just couldn't
consciously treat them differently...it wouldn't be fair. And I couldn't
see my mother treating them differently, either...she'd never take one
somewhere and not the other.
I try to think of other blended families and how they handle things, but
this just seems to me like they're laying a lot of groundwork from some
pretty unstable adults...particularly with the twins!
lil
janelaw
Yuck.
You know what this means, don't you, lil? You and your mom are
going to have to plan things and clearly invite all six. Then,
if they say they'll just bring the "real" child/grandchild,
you'll have to say, "Oh, no, we'll just put it off until all six
can make it."
Of course you COULD just tell cousin James what a scum bag you
think he is and alienate the whole family. This would be my
first instinct, but I have rejected it as unhelpful.
Jane
P.S. Would you please help this poor woman from Scotland? I
know you've been in precisely her situation.
Michael R. Martin
had a little girl 13 months ago. My husband has a son from his first
marriage, which his parents raised until 5 years ago when he moved in with
us and my in laws followed my FIL's company South.
Whenever my in laws come in town, my SS ALWAYS spends time at their house.
It's usually a weekend, so it's no big deal. BUT, they have never, ever,
ever called and asked us to bring over our daughter -- which is their ONLY
granddaughter. My SIL, who lives about 20 minutes away, hasn't seen her
only niece since probably around Easter.
So, does this situation happen, yes, it does. Is it fair to the kids, no
it's not. I'm personally not looking forward to the day my daughter asks
why grandma and grandpa see her brother, but don't make an effort to see
her.
Now, you may be asking why they don't want to see her. If you ask them,
it's because I'm unreasonable and hard to get along with. Why is this?
Because I make my position on things very clear, I mean what I say and say
what I mean, and if I disagree with them, I tell them so. My in laws are
the type of people that feel that if you're "different", they have no use
for you. If you disagree with them, then you're not "their people".
Let me give you an example..my FIL was supposed to retire the end of August
and was moving back here. Their house, incidentally, is only five houses
away from ours and I'm a stay at home mom. At one point, they had told me
that if the movers got here before they did, they would give the movers our
phone number so I could get the stuff squared away. No problem. Went over
to their house a few weeks ago to tape something, saw their answering
machine blinking so checked their messages. Lo and behold, it's the movers
wanting to know why they couldn't deliver the furniture. Called the movers,
made arrangements to meet them the next day. They had a question I couldn't
answer so I tracked down the in laws (had to call my FIL's sister because
the company was putting them up in an apartment until FIL does decide to
retire apparently). Talked to MIL. Everybody told me that the movers were
supposed to call so and so. I figured it was no big deal because I was
there. Half an hour later, the SIL shows up (who we haven't seen in months,
mind you), walks in the door, tells me I can go home, and starts doing her
own thing. Now, tell me who's being unreasonable?
Anyway, unfortunately it does happen more than it should. Yes, I feel
differently towards my SS, but I've always treated him with respect. When
his grandparents taught him that he didn't have to listen to me because I'm
not his "real" mother, it's difficult at times, but I've done my best.
So, there's a response from the other side of the coin.
Cindy Martin
sha...@mvp.net
hu...@mindless.com
http://mvp.net/~shadow/
St.John, Missouri 63114
A member of the "HTML Writers Guild"
A day's not complete without getting into a little "trouble".
lilblakdog
janelaw wrote in message <35FC1013...@excite.com>...
>You know what this means, don't you, lil? You and your mom are
>going to have to plan things and clearly invite all six.
<giggle>
That's my mom alright! She lives in a small two-bedroom house, but she
could never live with herself if she didn't invite everybody she could think
of!
I guess the older kids were with their dad. I'm not entirely sure where
James, his wife and the twins were, though.
On the plus side, my cousin's little granddaughter is the perfect little
princess. She's extremely well behaved and was a real joy to have around.
In fact, I'm going out tomorrow morning to buy her a set of rubber bangles,
'cause she was so taken with mine!
>Of course you COULD just tell cousin James what a scum bag you
>think he is and alienate the whole family. This would be my
>first instinct, but I have rejected it as unhelpful.
Hmmm...not so unhelpful...it was actually my first choice, too! He's a 28
year old healthy and fit man who's raising his wife's six children on
welfare (while she goes out and cleans houses!).
lil
MFreund
Michael R. Martin wrote:
> Okay, here you go.....My husband and I have been married for eight years and
> had a little girl 13 months ago. My husband has a son from his first
> marriage, which his parents raised until 5 years ago when he moved in with
> us and my in laws followed my FIL's company South.
> Whenever my in laws come in town, my SS ALWAYS spends time at their house.
> It's usually a weekend, so it's no big deal. BUT, they have never, ever,
> ever called and asked us to bring over our daughter -- which is their ONLY
> granddaughter. My SIL, who lives about 20 minutes away, hasn't seen her
> only niece since probably around Easter.
> So, does this situation happen, yes, it does. Is it fair to the kids, no
> it's not. I'm personally not looking forward to the day my daughter asks
> why grandma and grandpa see her brother, but don't make an effort to see
> her.
Wow. This stinks and I really feel for you. I am blessed to have incredible
in-laws who have absolutely embraced my son from my previous marriage. This
has been a wonderful experience for my son as my parents and his cousins live
about three hours away. Until I remarried, we got back to *my* family's home as
often as possible, but it was tough at best. I have always marveled at how
accepting and loving my husband is and now I know where he gets it from ... his
parents, especially his mom.
What was a little strange for me, on the flip side, is that I noticed *my*
parents having a difficult time adjusting to my SD's. Granted, they were
never, ever unaccepting of them or cold to them, it was, oh, I don't know, a
subtlety I was able to pick up on. Part of it, I suppose was that my SD's had
lived just with daddy (my DH) for quite some time and, well .... let's just say
he was a little more tolerant of certain behavior (it's tough being a single
parent!).
Then again, to my parents it was a hard adjustment because my son was their
first grandchild and because for almost a year or so, the two of us lived with
them. When we lived in their state, I had a very demanding sales position that
required me to put it 45+ hours a week. I also travelled. My parents watched my
son, so needless to say, they were very attached. I recognized that they were
afraid that somehow all my energies would be focused on my two SD's and not on
my son. I admit, it was hard not to focus almost all my attention on the SD's
because they were so small!
I'm a stay at home mom, now and have had the time to devote equally to the girls
and my son. It's been a rough road at times, but we've all blended together
well. That edge my parents had is gone. It didn't hurt either that I made it
clear to everyone in my family that we are a package deal, now. Their is now
his kids or my son. It is OUR children :-)
I know you've been married for eight years now, but five (5) years is a long
time to invest in raising a grandchild. They must have a special bond with him,
too. Yes, I agree with you that it is absolutely WRONG for them to not include
your daughter in weekend visits, etc., but she is only 13 months old, no? As
she gets older, take the bull by the horns and be more agressive so that they
don't view the two as separate siblings ... but as a package deal. Include her
in their plans. It doesn't make it easy that you don't seem to get along, but
sometimes eating more than your share of humble pie helps :-)
I hope things will change.