Problems in school
Sioux
to help my SD and SS in school.
They are at our house Thursday thru Monday, and at BM's the rest of the
week.
My concerns are many.
BM refuses despite numerous requests to look through their backpacks, or
assist them with homework in any way. She regards it as their
responsibility. Granted the 4th grader should be able to do her own work
etc. but she has never been taught to be responsible or organized in any
fashion. The 1st grader should have help daily, and needs to learn the
routines of school. BM accepts failing and summer school as a logical
consequence, (and as logical summer daycare).
She is far too busy to trouble herself with teaching the children, and sees
that as the schools
responsibility. The children have a chaotic schedule on her days, and will
spend as much as 12 hours a day in daycare/school. They also live in a house
with 12 people and probably 25 pets.
How can I counter this?
Thursdays I go through backpacks. I have found so many odd and inappropriate
things in them, I think I could write a book. I set up a folder system for
papers, which is never followed. I have requested they tell BM they have
papers for her, and suggested handing them to her directly. The papers are
still there the following week. I tried rewards and punishments for keeping
backpacks neat, and for doing homework all week. That only became a source
of conflict for the other kids who do it without reward (the one time there
was a reward).
Homework and other important things are intentionally left at BM's. Should I
drive an hour to get it, if it can even be found?
How can I teach the children responsibility if it is not reinforced
consistently? Should we spend the time we have with them punishing them,
while BM spends her time with them doing fun stuff? Believe me they both
regard any form of reading as punishment too. I also think that SD is
embarrassed that my son, 2 grades below her, reads better, and doesn't want
to
do homework here either. Is it fair or realistic to expect the kids to do a
week's worth of homework in one day, or to be doing it all weekend while the
others play? It isn't their fault and I hate seeing them suffer for it.
We have talked to the teachers, and got extended deadlines for homework.
This only seemed to add to them leaving things at BM's and to the attitude
of "school work's not important" in the children. With the lack of
cooperation from BM, and her chaotic way of life what can I do to make a
difference? We also had the teachers confront BM, to which her standard
reply was made. "I'm a single mom who works, and don't have any time to
help" . I am sympathetic to her schedule, but it seems the kids get lost
somewhere, and she makes time for lots of social activities. In short,
the kids are suffering for their mother's shortcomings.
Just an example of her priorities, SD was sick a whole week from school. BM
made a special trip to the school to make sure that her Valentine's got sent
home with her brother, but didn't even think about any school work. I got
the work, crammed with SD for days, and asked BM to help her with the last
couple pages. It was never done, and then couldn't be found.
Forgive the ranting, I am at the end of my rope, and dreading the school
year. I don't want to see these kids continue to be below grade level, and
want to help them to make it through school. As the non-custodial parents
I'm
not sure that we can request any serious changes regarding school or their
schedule. I'm seriously debating if it is time to get legal help.
Any suggestions or insights are welcome.
~Sioux
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_calinda_
your post that you're Non-Custodial, but in your first paragraph you say
you have them Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday through Monday, you
seem to have them more than the custodial parent so I'm not sure how you
qualify this as non-custodial. Do you have them every other week, or
every week on those days?
And of the 12 people that live with these children, how many are
related? And 25 cats!!.. well, I know a few people who have lots and
lots of cats, and most (not all) are a tad off their rockers. Are these
housecats or outdoor cats?
If things are this bad, and the kids are spending 12 hours a day in
daycare and the BM is neglecting their care, have you considered trying
to custody with visitation to the BM? I am not sure if the level of
neglect would rise to cause a change in custody, but has it been
explored at all?
You mentioned you have talked with the teachers, have you talked with
the guidance counselors, the administrators to see if they have any
ideas? They deal with this kind of thing quite often, unfortunately and
perhaps they will be your best allies in getting these kids the help
they need.
They are lucky you care enough to want to help them get through this.
Good luck.
Cal~
rebecca
"Sioux" <quin...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:l9-dncmzr9Z...@comcast.com...
> As another school year approaches, I am looking for any suggestions in
ways
> to help my SD and SS in school.
> They are at our house Thursday thru Monday, and at BM's the rest of the
> week.
> My concerns are many.
I'm with Cal, did you mean every other week, or you have them 4 days, and BM
has them 3? If you have them every week those days, I would suggest a
shift, you have them M-F, BM F-M. Then school's out of the equation for
her.
Can the teachers make lists of assignments/duplicates of stuff in a folder
at school for you? Then you just pick it up when you get the kids. That
doesn't solve the problem that you have to do all the work, but you know,
you can't solve that problem if BM isn't interested. If _anyone_ is going
to do it, it will be you.
So that's your decision. You can just let them muddle along, you know. Do
homework and emphasize education at your house, let BM do what she wants.
The kids will either eventually get it or they won't.
rebecca
Sioux
"_calinda_" <calinda...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2q6v1mF...@uni-berlin.de...
> First off, I'm confused about a few things. You mention at the end of
> your post that you're Non-Custodial, but in your first paragraph you say
> you have them Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday through Monday, you
> seem to have them more than the custodial parent so I'm not sure how you
> qualify this as non-custodial. Do you have them every other week, or
> every week on those days?
Officialy, she is the custodial parent. Yes, we pick them up every week on
Thursday, and drop them at school Monday. This summer she got them Sunday
evening. In my opinion we should be listed as the custodial parent, as we
have them more hours, feed them more meals etc., but it is an ego thing for
her. It is also so that we pay her support, which I want to see reviewed,
but I think there is a lot of guilt involved with that.
>
> And of the 12 people that live with these children, how many are
> related? And 25 cats!!.. well, I know a few people who have lots and
> lots of cats, and most (not all) are a tad off their rockers. Are these
> housecats or outdoor cats?
There are off their rocker! They are all related. She lives with her
parents, Grandmother, 3 sisters, one sister is married with 2 kids, and one
other sister has a child. I don't see how they can all stand each other. In
ways it is good for the kids in that someone is always there for them, but
there are some negative dynamics as well. Such as if Mom says no, Uncle will
give in. They are a bunch of burned out hippies, and most use drugs a lot.
As far as the pets, there is a dog or 2, a bird, a CHICKEN, and the rest are
cats that go in and out. Ironicly BM thinks my house is bad for her kids
because I smoke. I only smoke in my bedroom, with an exhaust fan. I don't
smoke in the car with them either. I think that SS's asthma can't be
improving with all that dander. Not to mention the fleas, which I have to
control at my house now too. The little boy's legs are so bitten, he's
scarred.
>
> If things are this bad, and the kids are spending 12 hours a day in
> daycare and the BM is neglecting their care, have you considered trying
> to custody with visitation to the BM? I am not sure if the level of
> neglect would rise to cause a change in custody, but has it been
> explored at all?
We have considered it, but it will be an ugly fight. We will have to be
prepared for it financially, and also ready for the fallout it will cause.
Also, their dad doesn't want to give up the weekend time with them so that
they can sit with Grandma (and others).
>
> You mentioned you have talked with the teachers, have you talked with
> the guidance counselors, the administrators to see if they have any
> ideas? They deal with this kind of thing quite often, unfortunately and
> perhaps they will be your best allies in getting these kids the help
> they need.
I never even thought of that. That is a very good idea!
>
> They are lucky you care enough to want to help them get through this.
> Good luck.
>
> Cal~
Thanks, and thanks for responding. It has helped me a lot to sit down and
review the situation. Bottom line as messed up as thing are, I love their
Dad and want everyone to be happy. I had a "wicked step mom" and refuse to
be that.
The Watsons
> As far as the pets, there is a dog or 2, a bird, a CHICKEN, and the rest
> are cats that go in and out. Ironicly BM thinks my house is bad for her
> kids because I smoke. I only smoke in my bedroom, with an exhaust fan. I
> don't smoke in the car with them either. I think that SS's asthma can't be
> improving with all that dander. Not to mention the fleas, which I have to
> control at my house now too. The little boy's legs are so bitten, he's
> scarred.
Can you take the little boy into the doctor?
Jess
Sioux
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:w8s%c.10045$w%6.9...@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>
> "Sioux" <quin...@comcast.net> wrote in message
> news:l9-dncmzr9Z...@comcast.com...
>> As another school year approaches, I am looking for any suggestions in
> ways
>> to help my SD and SS in school.
>> They are at our house Thursday thru Monday, and at BM's the rest of the
>> week.
>> My concerns are many.
>
> I'm with Cal, did you mean every other week, or you have them 4 days, and
> BM
> has them 3? If you have them every week those days, I would suggest a
> shift, you have them M-F, BM F-M. Then school's out of the equation for
> her.
I think that may be the only logical solution. Another big problem we have
is that we live 30 minutes away from BM's house, and their school is another
25 minutes from that, if traffic is good. My boys attend school up here, so
SD & SS sit in daycare after and before school on our days too, as I can't
be 3 places at once. We tried to plead with BM to change schools, to even
the one's near her house, but this one is closer to her work, and many in
her family went there. She also has TONS of friends that work there and in
the daycare. I considered moving so that my kids go to school with them, but
it is a horrible inner city neighborhood. I am not willing to risk my safety
living there. Another factor is that the Jr. High and High School for that
school are downright dangerous, a far cry from the award winning schools my
older son attends. In this area you can only go to schools outside your area
if you don't receive any special ed, and my middle son needs speech therapy.
I just don't know where to compromise, or who should do the comprimising.
I'm unsure if we can have that forced either.
>
> Can the teachers make lists of assignments/duplicates of stuff in a folder
> at school for you? Then you just pick it up when you get the kids. That
> doesn't solve the problem that you have to do all the work, but you know,
> you can't solve that problem if BM isn't interested. If _anyone_ is going
> to do it, it will be you.
I will have to meet with the new teachers and see if I can arrange that.
>
> So that's your decision. You can just let them muddle along, you know.
> Do
> homework and emphasize education at your house, let BM do what she wants.
> The kids will either eventually get it or they won't.
Yes, all I can do is try. It is so frustrating watching them fail when I
know they can succeed, but you are right it may be out of my hands. Thanks
for your opinions! ~Sioux
>
> rebecca
_calinda_
<snip>
>> If things are this bad, and the kids are spending 12 hours a day in
>> daycare and the BM is neglecting their care, have you considered
>> trying to custody with visitation to the BM? I am not sure if the
>> level of neglect would rise to cause a change in custody, but has
>> it been explored at all?
>
> We have considered it, but it will be an ugly fight. We will have
> to be prepared for it financially, and also ready for the fallout
> it will cause. Also, their dad doesn't want to give up the weekend
> time with them so that they can sit with Grandma (and others).
Well, you may consider that in many cases you'd be giving up one weekend
every other, since in many cases the visitation to the NCP is every
other weekend, plus a few additional days mixed in-between.
As the kids get older, they may want to have more privacy than is
afforded them at a home with 12 other people and a menagerie of animals,
and may have a say in the matter as well, though that is a long way off
right now.
I'm normally one of the biggest advocates for 50/50 custody, but there
are cases that seem should be considered differently. Perhaps this is
one of those that would be better off to be an exception. It may be
costly financially to fight for custody, but it may be less costly to
the children involved to have someone fighting for their best interests.
I just hate to see kids ignored and/or mistreated by their BP.
Cal~
_calinda_
If you received custody of the kids, you would normally be allowed to
register them to the schools in your district, I believe.
Cal~
Sioux
"The Watsons" <warped...@dcrc.net> wrote in message
news:PhG%c.124702$4o.72844@fed1read01...
He has been seen by a doctor for it. Their Dad wanted to be sure to get it
documented. We use over the counter creams for the bites. He just won't stop
scratching them (understandably), and they get infected. So, we have to stay
on top of it when we are able.
Sioux
> Sioux wrote:
> <snip>
> Well, you may consider that in many cases you'd be giving up one weekend
> every other, since in many cases the visitation to the NCP is every
> other weekend, plus a few additional days mixed in-between.
>
> As the kids get older, they may want to have more privacy than is
> afforded them at a home with 12 other people and a menagerie of animals,
> and may have a say in the matter as well, though that is a long way off
> right now.
That will be the goal then, to save up money to get the process underway. I
really hoped that we could all coexist and work together, but if she isn't
doing what is best for them perhaps it is the only option we have.
Thanks again
The Watsons
> He has been seen by a doctor for it. Their Dad wanted to be sure to get it
> documented. We use over the counter creams for the bites. He just won't
> stop scratching them (understandably), and they get infected. So, we have
> to stay on top of it when we are able.
I'd consider taking the doctor's report and the school information in to a
lawyer and see what a lawyer thinks of it.
Jess
Deborah M Riel
_calinda_ <calinda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>As the kids get older, they may want to have more privacy than is
>afforded them at a home with 12 other people and a menagerie of animals,
>and may have a say in the matter as well, though that is a long way off
>right now.
You can't count on it. They might just like the lifestyle of living
with all those hippies and pets. It could be fun in a way you don't
consider fun yourself.
I'm not sure I'd consider the living situation *as described by
Sioux* as necessarily being neglectful. Different from the mainstream,
but not neglect or mistreatment unless there's more to it than posted.
I like the suggestions of switching time so that Sioux and her DH
have school days and the BM has weekends. It seems more suited to their
personalities. I also like the suggestion of getting duplicate
folders of school assignments so both parents can see what's going on
at school. If the switching of time can't work, how about a tutor in
subjects where the kids are having trouble? Or maybe an
organizational coach to work with them on keeping track of their
assignments?
It sounds like BM's house is a big household of ADHDers, actually. If
not, Sioux and her DH probably still could benefit from learning
about ADHD and applying some of the techniques to helping her SKs
keep it together.
>Cal~
Deb
Deborah M Riel
The Watsons <warped...@dcrc.net> wrote:
>
>I'd consider taking the doctor's report and the school information in to a
>lawyer and see what a lawyer thinks of it.
>
>Jess
And then the BM can bring up the smoking and asthma, and see where all
that goes. I'd leave a lawyer out of it if possible.
Deb R.
_calinda_
> _calinda_ <calinda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>> As the kids get older, they may want to have more privacy than is
>> afforded them at a home with 12 other people and a menagerie of
>> animals, and may have a say in the matter as well, though that is
>> a long way off right now.
>
> You can't count on it.
No, this is true, which is why I said "may". I know when I lived in a
family of eight, I would dream of the day I didn't have to share a room
(and a bed, sometimes.. with a sister). I was basing this on how I felt
as a youngster and teen. The day I got my own room (oldest living at
home was the only one to do so until there were enough rooms), that day
was absolutely fantastic. As much as I hated moving to that new home,
that was the one mitigating factor for me.. my very own space.
>They might just like the lifestyle of living
> with all those hippies and pets. It could be fun in a way you don't
> consider fun yourself.
Yeah, they may very well enjoy it. They may very well come to prefer
the lack of attention by their mother... they'll certainly be able to
get away with a lot more if they're living with a parent who isn't
interested in them.
> I'm not sure I'd consider the living situation *as described by
> Sioux* as necessarily being neglectful. Different from the
> mainstream, but not neglect or mistreatment unless there's more to
> it than posted.
Well, hmm.. using drugs (if true!), having them in school/day care for
12 hours a day (by itself, sometimes a necessity, but with other factors
combined is an issue IMO), allowing a child's legs to become so flea
bitten they become infected, won't even go into the situation as far as
the kids education and the mother not caring.
I dunno, I would certainly want to get kids into a more positive
environment, if it were my children. From the things that have been
said in multiple posts, I would think it would warrant at LEAST
consideration by the BF to seek a larger share of custody.
> I like the suggestions of switching time so that Sioux and her DH
> have school days and the BM has weekends. It seems more suited to
> their personalities. I also like the suggestion of getting
> duplicate
> folders of school assignments so both parents can see what's going
> on at school. If the switching of time can't work, how about a
> tutor in subjects where the kids are having trouble? Or maybe an
> organizational coach to work with them on keeping track of their
> assignments?
I think that expecting a first grader to be responsible by him/herself
is a bit much, but the older child might benefit.
> It sounds like BM's house is a big household of ADHDers, actually.
> If not, Sioux and her DH probably still could benefit from learning
> about ADHD and applying some of the techniques to helping her SKs
> keep it together.
True, that's a possibility, and applying the techniques on how to cope
certainly can't hurt.
Cal~
_calinda_
I completely missed that part (how, I don't know now that I go back to
re read the posts!). Hmm.. that's a huge deal and I can't help but feel
sorry for the kid. That certainly can complicate things, can't it?
Cal~
Melissa
>>They might just like the lifestyle of living
>> with all those hippies and pets. It could be fun in a way you don't
>> consider fun yourself.
>
>Yeah, they may very well enjoy it. They may very well come to prefer
>the lack of attention by their mother... they'll certainly be able to
>get away with a lot more if they're living with a parent who isn't
>interested in them.
Keep in mind that we're going on thirdhadn information here. We don't really
know what's going on as SM probably doesn't really know. At this point it's
all speculation really.
Love,
Melissa
"This virtual sand tastes just like real sand."
-Line from one of the cartoons SS watches.
rebecca
>
> Yeah, they may very well enjoy it. They may very well come to prefer
> the lack of attention by their mother... they'll certainly be able to
> get away with a lot more if they're living with a parent who isn't
> interested in them.
Whoa, Nelly! How very suburban middle class we're all being here... listen,
some people don't believe school's important. It doesn't make them bad
parents, it doesn't mean they aren't interested in their kids. Yeah, you
and I think it's lame, and they should be instilling the value of education
in their kids. But you know, in society, someone has to take the jobs that
don't pay anything and don't require much skill.
Maybe the BM in question believes the ability to live with a variety of
people and pets is important. Maybe she thinks that others can give her
children skills or gifts or time that she can't. It doesn't, on its face,
mean she's not interested in her children.
What's going on here is a difference in attitudes and beliefs between two
households, it's nothing that _all_ of us haven't run across at times.
Sioux and her husband want the kids to value education, BM doesn't seem to
care, or maybe doesn't have the energy to care. Sioux/DH's choices are to
(1) bribe/convince BM into letting them have enough control over the kids to
make sure their values get passed along;
(2) muddle along as best they can and hope that the kids understand that
their way is better;
(3) convince a judge that they are better custodians; or
(4) help BM overcome whatever exhausting life circumstances she's facing to
get her somewhere where she'll have the time/energy to be more on top of the
kids' education.
Personally? I'd go first for bribing, which has the added value of helping
with #4 as well. I'd ask to take them during the week (saves her on daycare
costs), I'd keep paying child support unless it was bankrupting me, I'd
offer to pick up all transportation time and costs provided she let us
enroll them in a school closer to our home. If that required a change of
custody (i.e., if joint weren't possible in my state) I'd finesse it as hard
as I could to get that school change.
She might go for it, especially since she already lets them have the kids
more than 1/2 the week.
rebecca
p.s. to Sioux. While I'm yelling at people for being judgmental, STOP
SMOKING. It's terrible for you, it's horrible for kids, esp. with asthma.
Deborah M Riel
_calinda_ <calinda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>Yeah, they may very well enjoy it. They may very well come to prefer
>the lack of attention by their mother... they'll certainly be able to
>get away with a lot more if they're living with a parent who isn't
>interested in them.
>
>> I'm not sure I'd consider the living situation *as described by
>> Sioux* as necessarily being neglectful. Different from the
>> mainstream, but not neglect or mistreatment unless there's more to
>> it than posted.
>
>Well, hmm.. using drugs (if true!), having them in school/day care for
>12 hours a day (by itself, sometimes a necessity, but with other factors
>combined is an issue IMO), allowing a child's legs to become so flea
>bitten they become infected, won't even go into the situation as far as
>the kids education and the mother not caring.
Well, there's drug use and there's drug use--I know some people might
strongly disagree with me, but a house of old hippies smoking some pot
sometimes is a far cry from a bunch of crackheads or heroin addicts.
Worlds apart. The OP didn't say what the story was.
If there are fleas in the house, sometimes they bite. You can't
either allow or forbid a flea to bite a child's leg. You can attempt
to control the fleas, and there are some good products out there to
keep fleas off of pets. Maybe Sioux's DH could mention it to the BM,
or send some over for her to try. The infection was from the child
scratching the bites. Maybe the child's dad could get some calamine
lotion, or aloe, or ivy dry (if you can use that on bites).
I don't get the impression that the BM doesn't *care* about the kids'
education, but that she is a totally different personality with
totally different priorities in this area.
And I'm a working mother--my son was in school from 8 - 3, then
afterschool programs. It's not neglectful parenting, it just is what
it is.
I see a whole world of different interpretations going on here. The
main thing to do, I think, is to work with what they have--not try to
stir things up legally. I see a real possibility of a huge, painful
mess resulting from a major custody battle, and I don't see the point
from what's described, frankly.
Deb R.
> Cal~
rebecca
"Deborah M Riel" <dr...@wpi.edu> wrote in message
news:chnmki$2mdk$1...@bigboote.WPI.EDU...
>
> It sounds like BM's house is a big household of ADHDers, actually. If
> not, Sioux and her DH probably still could benefit from learning
> about ADHD and applying some of the techniques to helping her SKs
> keep it together.
>
Deb,
Tutor me? Exactly what are the techniques - got a web site I can look at or
something? BM's got ADHD. The biggest thing I've noticed so far is she
always wants to switch the holiday schedules around the week before, which
drives us APESHIT. We plan our holidays so far in advance, we usually have
to say no, which then, of course, means we're gigantic uncaring assholes who
won't work with her.
rebecca
Deborah M Riel
thinking of organizational skills the kids can learn. I sent my
ADHDer to an organizational tutor a couple of years ago, and it
probably would've helped him more when he was a less resistant little
kid instead of a stubborn teen. He was taught how to color code his
folders, how to outline, how to double check his assignments with his
teachers, how to highlight main ideas, how to keep his backpack
cleaned out, how to keep a file box for notes to study from, etc.,
etc.
As far as your problems with the BM changing schedules, I guess I'd go
with the old "choose your battles" and "how important is it." I'd
also remind her of my plans on a regular basis, and not just mention
it once and leave it up to her to remember. Maybe make out a calendar
with the times marked off that you can leave with her? If she wants
to change plans and it's important to you to refuse, then too bad for
her, just refuse. If it's not that important, then just go with the
flow.
Deb R.
_calinda_
> _calinda_ wrote:
>
>> Yeah, they may very well enjoy it. They may very well come to
>> prefer the lack of attention by their mother... they'll certainly
>> be able to get away with a lot more if they're living with a
>> parent who isn't interested in them.
>>
>>> I'm not sure I'd consider the living situation *as described by
>>> Sioux* as necessarily being neglectful. Different from the
>>> mainstream, but not neglect or mistreatment unless there's more to
>>> it than posted.
>>
>> Well, hmm.. using drugs (if true!), having them in school/day care
>> for 12 hours a day (by itself, sometimes a necessity, but with
>> other factors combined is an issue IMO), allowing a child's legs
>> to become so flea bitten they become infected, won't even go into
>> the situation as far as the kids education and the mother not
>> caring.
>
> Well, there's drug use and there's drug use--I know some people
> might strongly disagree with me, but a house of old hippies smoking
> some pot sometimes is a far cry from a bunch of crackheads or
> heroin addicts. Worlds apart. The OP didn't say what the story was.
IMO, a bunch of old hippies smoking pot around the kids is NOT a far
cry from other illegal drug use. It is setting a stage for those kids
to think they can cherry pick which laws to obey and which they can't.
That's just for starters.
> If there are fleas in the house, sometimes they bite. You can't
> either allow or forbid a flea to bite a child's leg. You can
> attempt to control the fleas, and there are some good products out
> there to keep fleas off of pets. Maybe Sioux's DH could mention it
> to the BM, or send some over for her to try. The infection was
> from the child scratching the bites. Maybe the child's dad could
> get some calamine lotion, or aloe, or ivy dry (if you can use that
> on bites).
Well, I'm picturing something more than one or two flea bites, but
perhaps that is my imagination. A house overrun with 20 plus animals
isn't very hygienic.
> I don't get the impression that the BM doesn't *care* about the
> kids' education, but that she is a totally different personality
> with totally different priorities in this area.
It certainly sounded like she was somewhat neglectful in her parenting
regards to their education. Perhaps I'm projecting behaviors on the BM
that I see from my kids BD. Telling a teacher she can't help because
she's busy as a single parent, well.. I'm not buying it. Particularly
when there are a boat load of adults also living in the same home.
There isn't anyone there that is able or willing to help them do their
homework?
> And I'm a working mother--my son was in school from 8 - 3, then
> afterschool programs. It's not neglectful parenting, it just is
> what it is.
Which is exactly what I said.. sometimes it's necessary, and in and of
itself, is not necessarily an indication of neglect. I said that added
to some of the other issues that the OP brought up was what brought me
to that conclusion. She could be exaggerating, which is why I've made
sure to qualify my comments somewhat. Perhaps not enough, though.
> I see a whole world of different interpretations going on here. The
> main thing to do, I think, is to work with what they have--not try
> to stir things up legally. I see a real possibility of a huge,
> painful mess resulting from a major custody battle, and I don't see
> the point from what's described, frankly.
I think Rebecca's suggestions to try to get the BM to work with them is
the best place to start.
And I agree that the OP needs to stop smoking either way, particularly
if an asthmatic lives in that home as well, full time OR part time.
Cal~
Marie
>
The way I understood it, you have the kids from Thu. afternoon to Monday
morning every week.
Who agreed to such arrangement?
The Mom is the CP, you are NCP, which sounds odd, as having the kids every
weekend and one school day of every week sounds like 50/50 custody and on
top of it you said you pay CS.
The kids are with their Mom most of the school days, you have them for the
weekends, every weekend.
The Mom works and have her weekends free, you work and have your weekends
full. Again, who agreed to such arrangement?
Then, where is your husband on all that? I'm a SM myself and I'll ask you as
if I'll ask myself this: why the hell are you more concerned about the kids
education and well-being way more than their parents are????? It sounds
harsh, but my intention is to have whoever is responsible do his/her work
before you do it for them.
I've been there done that. BACK OFF is my advice, not for the sake of
neglecting the kids, for the sake of having everybody see and experience
first hand what is going on. When I was on top of things, I assure you,
nothing worked, when I backed off, everybody jumped to see what's wrong and
corrected things.
with heart,
Marie
Vicki Robinson
>The kids are with their Mom most of the school days, you have them for the
>weekends, every weekend.
>
>The Mom works and have her weekends free, you work and have your weekends
>full. Again, who agreed to such arrangement?
Some people fight to get weekends *with* the kids. You make it sound
like it's desireable to get weekends *without* them.
It's nice to have some weekends free, but it's also nice to have
leisure time with them, to do some extended fun stuff that can't be
done on the weeknights.
Vicki
--
Power may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its
bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks,
it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it,
and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton.
Sioux
The kids absolutely LOVE being at BM's house. They have free reign. They
love the pets, the family and most of all they love their mom. They do have
a 13 y.o. cousin who "helps" with homework, but it is unstructured and seems
more like playing school than getting any work done.
As far as the fleas, we have continually nagged about it. I have personally
used every product I could find, and after a few months got rid of the
problem on my end. I have to maintain the treatments as preventative care
though. SS's wounds are cared for whenever he is here. I can't say what BM
does for them. My husband has bought products for them, and even gone over
to help before. It is just a matter of having too many pets/people in one
house IMO.
Next topic, the drug use. As far as I know, 3 or 4 of the adults use pot
regularly, and occasionally hallucinogenics. I don't agree at all with drug
use, and am glad that BM doesn't do it. The attitudes have rubbed off on the
kids already. They are uneasy around police, and have said things regarding
not trusting them. I'm unsure if it is ever done around the kids.
Daycare is a necessary thing. I can't judge her as I have been fortunate,
and
been able to stay home. I do think that she abuses it though. For example
she could have a flexible schedule, but chooses not to. The kids are in care
on her days off. She gets up earlier than she has to, takes them to before
school care, comes back home, gets ready, then goes to work. After school
they go to care, and then get left with Grandma. Keep in mind BM is one of
those types of people that can't sit still. Has to have a busy chaotic
schedule every day. Constantly running here and there. I think she's scared
if she sat still she'd have to actually think.
BM 100% cares about her kids. She is just lazy, unorganized, and has
priorities out of whack. Any criticism is met with defensiveness, and I
don't think she is capable of introspection. Worst of all she calls their
dad a dead beat....if she only knew what it was like to have a real dead
beat. She only says things like that because she is bitter their marriage
ended.
>Whoa, Nelly! How very suburban middle class we're all being here...
>listen,
>some people don't believe school's important. It doesn't make them bad
>parents, it doesn't mean they aren't interested in their kids. Yeah, you
>and I think it's lame, and they should be instilling the value of education
>in their kids. But you know, in society, someone has to take the jobs that
>don't pay anything and don't require much skill.
You hit it right on the head. That is how she is, and the kids have that
attitude already. They want to both follow in her chosen field (Food prep).
I try to suggest other ideas, but perhaps they are too young to think of
anything outside their realm of experience.
I think I will try the bribes and see what we can get. At least until we are
in a position to try to get a legal change. we don't exactly have a quiet
household either. I can't offer anyone their own room. They have less
competition at BM's house for toys, the T.V., video games etc.
This agreement was in place when I came into the relationship. It is very
one-sided, and wasn't designed to include me. I think it was designed to
punish him for the divorce. We will all have to sit down and make some
changes. I only hope that we can all do what is best for the children.
Meanwhile I should learn to accept that they have an unconventional life,
and try to be consistent, understanding and supportive.
Thanks again for all the feedback!
Marie
"Vicki Robinson" <vjr...@xcski.com> wrote in message
news:cho0nk$c8m$1...@allhats.xcski.com...
>
> Some people fight to get weekends *with* the kids. You make it sound
> like it's desireable to get weekends *without* them.
Of course not Vicki, we fought to have weekends with the kids, but we also
enjoyed our weekends kids free.
> It's nice to have some weekends free, but it's also nice to have
> leisure time with them, to do some extended fun stuff that can't be
> done on the weeknights.
Absolutely, we had the kids for all the school days, no weekends no
holidays, we fought to share leisure time with them.
So, of course this is not what I meant.
Marie
Deborah M Riel
Sioux <quin...@comcast.net> wrote:
>The kids absolutely LOVE being at BM's house. They have free reign. They
>love the pets, the family and most of all they love their mom. They do have
>a 13 y.o. cousin who "helps" with homework, but it is unstructured and seems
>more like playing school than getting any work done.
This is a really good reason *not* to make things into a big, messy,
ugly, painful custody battle. Leave the lawyers out of it. If the
kids love their mom, family, pets and the life they have there, then
work on your own family life with them but let them have that one too.
>Daycare is a necessary thing. I can't judge her as I have been fortunate,
>and
>been able to stay home. I do think that she abuses it though. For example
>she could have a flexible schedule, but chooses not to. The kids are in care
>on her days off. She gets up earlier than she has to, takes them to before
>school care, comes back home, gets ready, then goes to work. After school
>they go to care, and then get left with Grandma. Keep in mind BM is one of
>those types of people that can't sit still. Has to have a busy chaotic
>schedule every day. Constantly running here and there. I think she's scared
>if she sat still she'd have to actually think.
>BM 100% cares about her kids. She is just lazy, unorganized, and has
>priorities out of whack. Any criticism is met with defensiveness, and I
>don't think she is capable of introspection. Worst of all she calls their
>dad a dead beat....if she only knew what it was like to have a real dead
>beat. She only says things like that because she is bitter their marriage
>ended.
Reading this, I'd have to suggest that you and your DH do some reading
on ADHD. Not to diagnose the BM, or to confront her with the
it, but to understand what certainly seems to me to be a
strong possibility. If ADHD *is* a factor, it's not to be confused
with laziness or fear of having to think. Just about all of what you
describe fits a person with ADHD. It also has a strong genetic
factor, and could be a reason the kids have trouble with their
organizational skills. Even if it's not something that will ever be
officially diagnosed, you can pick up a lot of tips on dealing with
the same kinds of behavior that you describe, and can gain some
perspective on where it might be coming from.
Here's a part of my personal website where I've compiled a list of
ADHD and learning disability websites. It's not totally
comprehensive, but the sites on this list all have links to other
sites. It gives a huge base to start with.
http://users.wpi.edu/~driel/add.html
Another book I found helpful for disciplining young children is 1-2-3
Magic (can't remember the author, but Amazon has it). It's a short,
easy to read book with simple things to try, and is good up to about
age 10 or 11 or so.
Try checking out some of this information. You might just find it
eye-opening.
Deb R.
> ~Sioux
Wendy
> Tutor me? Exactly what are the techniques - got a web site I can look at
> or
> something? BM's got ADHD. The biggest thing I've noticed so far is she
> always wants to switch the holiday schedules around the week before, which
> drives us APESHIT. We plan our holidays so far in advance, we usually
> have
> to say no, which then, of course, means we're gigantic uncaring assholes
> who
> won't work with her.
I saw a programme about different personality types last week. Some people
are
definitely planners. Others thrive on spontaneity.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index.shtml
I'm a bit of a mixture. Planning is part of my job, as I'm a Project
Manager, but
planning to the nth degree takes a lot of the fun out of life - I want
enough time so
that I can stop and think and react spontaneously when circumstances warrant
it.
Maybe with your BM you could just tell her what you've got in mind early on
and often
thereafter so she doesn't forget?
Wendy
rosenrot
relief to see I am not the only person who struggles with this kind of
thing, although for the sake of the children, it is very sad.
I had SD read, practice spelling and math flashcards, and write in a
journal all summer long. She thought this was torture and I felt like the
bad guy, but she was a bit behind last year and I knew she would be even
further behind this year if she did not keep up with things over the
summer. Now that school has started, it turns out that her homework each
night is pretty much what I was having her do all along. Now I don't feel
like such a meanie, and I think she realizes why I had her do this stuff.
I don't necessarily think the kids will think it's fair if you make them
do homework all weekend while the others play, but maybe that's just the
way it has to be.
The BM in my situation also lives with a lot of other people and pets, and
often does not monitor what SD comes home with. She doesn't read the
papers we send home, and then if there is a field trip or something, she
will tell SD she would have gone on it (as a chaperone) but didn't know
about it because I didn't tell her. She also doesn't attend conferences
and uses similar excuses. I have decided that it will now be SD's
responsibility to make sure her mom gets/reads the stuff. On one hand,
it's a bit unfair, since she could hand the stuff right to her and I still
doubt BM will read it, but at least she cannot make excuses to SD.
I also am going to start holding SD a little bit more accountable for
homework, etc, that needs to be done at BM's. Last year I did not send
any homework to BM's since I knew it would not get done, and the one time
I tried, it ended up lost. SD had to explain this to the teacher, who was
not very understanding about it, and did not give her new papers. However,
it is really difficult when SD leaves Friday afternoon after school and
doesn't come back until Sunday evening, as there is no time after school
Friday, and very little time before bed on Sunday evening. So this year I
may end up sending homework to BM's and telling SD that she is responsible
for making sure it gets done. That's not to say it will, but I think SD
needs to start taking responsibility for herself since BM is not going to
do it. In your situation, I think the younger child is a bit young, but
perhaps the older one could start learning to take responsibility for his
or her own homework.
I think you are doing the best you can in this situation, and even though
at times things may seem unfair to the kids as far as you "making" them do
school work, sometimes that's just the way it has to be. I would try to
meet with the teachers, and hopefully they will be understanding and be
able to give you a second set of everything that is sent home. That is
what we did for awhile with one of SD's teachers, she automatically knew
to send home doubles of everything so that there would always be a copy
for BM and also for us, if that one got lost.
As for trying to get custody, that sounds like a good idea, but if the
kids like going to BM's then I can almost guarantee it will be messy. We
have custody of SD but it was very difficult to go through, both
emotionally and financially. Maybe you could just talk to BM and bring up
these issues about school, and ask if you could have the kids during the
week, and she could have weekends. Because we had a lot of issues with
BM's lack of care for SD, the judge specifically gave us school days and
BM weekends, even though SD was not school-aged when we got custody of
her. Perhaps you could use the fact that BM says she is a single mom and
too busy to help, to try to persuade her. Just tell her that it is very
hard to finish a week's work of homework in just a weekend, and that by
having the kids on school days, they would be able to keep up with school
work easier, and she would not have to help them. I really think getting
her to voluntarily agree to this is better than trying to do it through a
judge, as that can just be so messy and disruptive to kids. Sometimes it
is the only way, though.
Wendy
> IMO, a bunch of old hippies smoking pot around the kids is NOT a far
> cry from other illegal drug use. It is setting a stage for those kids
> to think they can cherry pick which laws to obey and which they can't.
> That's just for starters.
People pick and choose which laws to obey all the time. Take the speed
limit,
for example. It's there as a guideline for what would be appropriate in
normal
conditions. Driving the speed limit when it's wet could be within the law,
but
very unsafe. Not accelerating above the speed limit to avoid an obstacle in
the
road could be equally so.
Laws are there for guidance, rather than blind obedience. I want my
children to
think about what they do and act based upon soundness of reason, compassion
and
consideration, rather than just because someone else has decreed that they
must.
Old hippies smoking pot, or eating cookies, aren't hurting anyone (apart
from smoking
of any sort being harmful to their own lungs and heart).
Wendy
Wendy
> There are off their rocker! They are all related. She lives with her
> parents, Grandmother, 3 sisters, one sister is married with 2 kids, and
> one other sister has a child. I don't see how they can all stand each
> other.
I love being around my extended family. In the summer, when we all go to
the island
there are four generations together and it's never boring, though often
emotions
run high.
Try and think of it as your SK learning some really valuable skills about
living
in an extended community, skills which have lots of other useful purpose in
other
walks. I know within my working environment that compromise, negotiation,
working as part of a team (leading and following) are all things which are
rooted
in my having grown up in a large family..
In
> ways it is good for the kids in that someone is always there for them, but
> there are some negative dynamics as well. Such as if Mom says no, Uncle
> will give in.
There are negative dynamics in almost every setting. Most children learn to
play
their father and mother off against each other, even if they are still
married and
living together.
> They are a bunch of burned out hippies, and most use drugs a lot.
Be careful, hippies aren't necessarily burned out. You may not understand
what makes them tick, but it doesn't follow that they haven't sound values
of
their own.
Wendy
* Calinda *
> Old hippies smoking pot, or eating cookies, aren't hurting anyone
> (apart from smoking
> of any sort being harmful to their own lungs and heart).
>
> Wendy
>
I disagree.
Cal~
Wendy
"* Calinda *" <CalindaSin...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:Xns955F94371...@130.133.1.4...
So who are they harming?
Wendy
* Calinda *
You know, Wendy... I don't think either of us will change the other's
mind at all. I vehemently disagree that people sitting around smoking
pot or whatever around kids doesn't harm them. To the point that I would
rather not get into any sort of debate about it. I see little point or
value in debating this. I am just stating that I disagree.
I do NOT consider laws to be suggestions and the very idea that there are
people that think this way bugs me. If you don't like a law, work to
change it, but otherwise, I think it best for children to learn not to
cherry pick which laws are 'okay' to obey and which aren't. I understand
you don't believe that way, but I do- and strongly.
Cal~
Wendy
> You know, Wendy... I don't think either of us will change the other's
> mind at all. I vehemently disagree that people sitting around smoking
> pot or whatever around kids doesn't harm them.
Cal, repeating ad nauseum that you disagree, without giving any indication
of your reasoning does little for your case. If you are going to make
statements
such as this, expect people who see things differently to call you on it.
To the point that I would
> rather not get into any sort of debate about it. I see little point or
> value in debating this. I am just stating that I disagree.
I don't have a problem with you disagreeing, but it's meaningless unless
you say why.
> I do NOT consider laws to be suggestions and the very idea that there are
> people that think this way bugs me. If you don't like a law, work to
> change it, but otherwise, I think it best for children to learn not to
> cherry pick which laws are 'okay' to obey and which aren't. I understand
> you don't believe that way, but I do- and strongly.
My views on law and authority are strongly held ones too. Don't worry, I
regularly
and actively lobby and protest against illogical and ill thought
legislation.
I'd be infinitely more upset by a child of mind blindly carrying out an
order from
a superior, against their sense of was right and humane, then I would having
them
ignore some ill thought legislation, or smoking a spliff.
Wendy
heather m.
wrong, but it seems like I learned a long time ago in a health education
class that a year's worth of heavy pot-smoking was about equivalent to 15-20
years of cigarette smoking.
Heather
"Wendy" <we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chqa7k$rem$1...@newsg2.svr.pol.co.uk...
heather m.
weed itself. My ex is an addict/alcoholic, and I seriously can't trust him
alone with my child. There was a time, a few years ago, when he was having
visitation with his daughter, that he and his buddy (who swear they know
limits and are responsible and that people like me are just "uptight") got
so smashed and fried the ended up passing out and ex-SD (who was like 7 at
the time, I believe) became terrified and called her mom to pick her up.
The next day, ex called ex-SD's mom and said, "You have M........right?". I
mean he literally woke up and didn't know where she was or what happened to
her.
I don't necessarily disagree with you Wendy, but be realistic, it's really
got to depend on the person.
Heather
"Wendy" <we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chqiqm$h3i$1...@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
jane
>wrong, but it seems like I learned a long time ago in a health education
>class that a year's worth of heavy pot-smoking was about equivalent to 15-20
>years of cigarette smoking.
>
>Heather
They were lying to you.
jane
Deborah M Riel
Heather (and anyone else interested), just try a google search on pot
smoking asthma (for example) and see what you find. There's a lot of
research, personal experiences, etc. showing that asthma is improved
by marijuana, and that this has been known for a long time. On the
other hand, the smoke can cause coughs and it tends to suppress the
immune system adding to susceptibility to colds. But, one of the side
effects of the suppression of the immune system is the possibility of
improvement of arthritis or MS. Just a few of the medical directions
being studied...
This is why so many people support the medical use of pot. There's a
lot it can do, but it's demonized in this society for whatever
reason. Plus, it's a relatively gentle high, and not physically
addictive. The biggest problem with pot smoking is getting caught in
zero tolerance situations and the legal system.
Getting back to the OP's situation in this whole thread, I guess I'd
be a little uncomfortable if there was a lot of smoking around all the
kids. But I'd be uncomfortable if there was a lot of heavy drinking
too, and that's legal. But the OP said she didn't even know if any of
the adults in the house ever smoked pot in front of the kids, and that
their BM didn't smoke pot at all, so why even raise the issue or
be concerned with it? It didn't sound as though they were all
passed out and crazy stoned all the time, and the kids were suffering
because of it.
Deb R.
Tracey
Deborah M Riel wrote:
> This is why so many people support the medical use of pot. There's a
> lot it can do, but it's demonized in this society for whatever
> reason. Plus, it's a relatively gentle high, and not physically
> addictive.
Speaking of relatively gentle highs, kava or awa is one. And it's
legal, too. :) Too bad that stuff doesn't taste all that good. Hehe.
Tracey
Wendy
"heather m." <heather...@ipa.net> wrote in message
news:8R40d.11620$w%6.6...@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
> Hey Wendy, I'm not sure about the lungs thing, I mean correct me if I'm
> wrong, but it seems like I learned a long time ago in a health education
> class that a year's worth of heavy pot-smoking was about equivalent to
> 15-20
> years of cigarette smoking.
I don't know categorically, Heather, but I gave up cigarette smoking when I
was hospitalised with pneumonia. After that, I occasionally smoked spliffs
still,
but I'd come down with colds that went onto my chest after almost every
festival,
so I've given that up too.
I did read somewhere that because you smoke spliffs in a different way that
your throat and mouth are affected more than lungs, but I can't find a
reliable
reference to that.
Wendy
Wendy
> Getting back to the OP's situation in this whole thread, I guess I'd
> be a little uncomfortable if there was a lot of smoking around all the
> kids. But I'd be uncomfortable if there was a lot of heavy drinking
> too, and that's legal.
I'd be infinitely more uncomfortable about heavy drinking. Alcohol
increases aggression. The majority of weekend hospital admissions
are linked to alcohol. The majority of police activity on weekends is
linked to alcohol.
But the OP said she didn't even know if any of
> the adults in the house ever smoked pot in front of the kids, and that
> their BM didn't smoke pot at all, so why even raise the issue or
> be concerned with it? It didn't sound as though they were all
> passed out and crazy stoned all the time, and the kids were suffering
> because of it.
Wasn't she was trying to imply was that the children were already
adopting a mistrustful attitude towards the law, due to the attitudes
of pot smoking relatives they were around?
Wendy
Wendy
> Ugh. You know, I think it depends on the person smoking it more than the
> weed itself. My ex is an addict/alcoholic, and I seriously can't trust
> him
> alone with my child. There was a time, a few years ago, when he was
> having
> visitation with his daughter, that he and his buddy (who swear they know
> limits and are responsible and that people like me are just "uptight") got
> so smashed and fried the ended up passing out and ex-SD (who was like 7 at
> the time, I believe) became terrified and called her mom to pick her up.
> The next day, ex called ex-SD's mom and said, "You have M........right?".
> I
> mean he literally woke up and didn't know where she was or what happened
> to
> her.
>
> I don't necessarily disagree with you Wendy, but be realistic, it's really
> got to depend on the person.
The difficulty in the scenario you paint is that you are talking about
alcohol
being consumed at the same time, and alcohol is a huge problem that
something
needs to be done about. (NB I don't believe prohibition is the answer there
either.)
Don't misunderstand me either. I think anything done to extremes isn't good
for people, and probably would make me question it as an environment for
raising children, but I don't think the weed should be demonised for
everyone
because a few get it wrong.
I also think that it is healthy for children to learn about alcohol and
drugs at
home. Children can and do learn from positive examples.
Wendy
heather m.
Yea. I think you get my drift, I'm just saying for the record, it's not
black and white.
Heather
>
>
>
>
heather m.
Heather
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040909220439...@mb-m21.aol.com...
The Watsons
> Old hippies smoking pot, or eating cookies, aren't hurting anyone (apart
> from smoking
> of any sort being harmful to their own lungs and heart).
"Eating cookies"?
Jess
Deborah M Riel
BM's house and living situation was neglectful to the kids, and that
part of the reason why was that the adults in the house were burnt out
old hippies who used drugs, the implication (as I understood it from
that post) being that drugs were used in front of the kids. If
they're not used in front of the kids and not used by the BM herself,
then I don't see it as an issue of neglect. A lot of people have
mistrustful attitudes towards cops that could rub off on children that
have nothing to do with drugs at all. We can't really use attitudes
as a basis for deciding what a neglectful or harmful living situation
is, can we? Sure we can disagree with someone's pissy or
unconventional attitude, but I don't think it's a solid reason for
changing custody.
Deb R.
Deborah M Riel
Wendy <we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:
>
>I don't know categorically, Heather, but I gave up cigarette smoking when I
>was hospitalised with pneumonia. After that, I occasionally smoked spliffs
>still,
>but I'd come down with colds that went onto my chest after almost every
>festival,
>so I've given that up too.
It's that immune suppression thing. It makes you more susceptible to
colds, and if you're the type person who has a cold go immediately to
the chest, that's what happens. That's where colds settle in me, too,
and it's just not worth it to risk them.
Deb R.
>Wendy
Vicki Robinson
In this context, I'd guess that Wendy meant that ever-popular
cannabis-delivery system, baking pot into brownies or cookies.
I had a friend in grad school who melted butter, stirred pot into it,
let it sit overnight, melted it again and strained out the pot, then
used the butter to make chocolate chip cookies. She swore it worked,
and you didn't get twigs and seeds in your teeth.
The Watsons
> In this context, I'd guess that Wendy meant that ever-popular
> cannabis-delivery system, baking pot into brownies or cookies.
>
> I had a friend in grad school who melted butter, stirred pot into it,
> let it sit overnight, melted it again and strained out the pot, then
> used the butter to make chocolate chip cookies. She swore it worked,
> and you didn't get twigs and seeds in your teeth.
Thanks. :)
Jess
Sioux
> I think originally, she was trying to back up her feeling that the
> BM's house and living situation was neglectful to the kids, and that
> part of the reason why was that the adults in the house were burnt out
> old hippies who used drugs, the implication (as I understood it from
> that post) being that drugs were used in front of the kids. If
> they're not used in front of the kids and not used by the BM herself,
> then I don't see it as an issue of neglect. A lot of people have
> mistrustful attitudes towards cops that could rub off on children that
> have nothing to do with drugs at all. We can't really use attitudes
> as a basis for deciding what a neglectful or harmful living situation
> is, can we? Sure we can disagree with someone's pissy or
> unconventional attitude, but I don't think it's a solid reason for
> changing custody.
>
> Deb R.
It is not a matter of seeking a change of custody for having a " pissy or
unconventional attitude". It is not even about the drug use that they are
exposed to, but I must comment on that. Yes they are exposed to it, whether
they do it directly in front of the kids or not, they are impaired when they
are supposed to be watching them. They are putting them at risk by doing
things that are illegal in the same house. They are setting a horrible
example, and teaching them that they don't have to follow laws.
How can we tell them in a few years that they shouldn't do drugs when even
Grandma disagrees. Maybe they primarily do pot, but who's to say that when
the kids start experimenting they will stop there. What's the real
difference between buying a bag of weed from a dealer, and buying heroine?
Who will explain to them which illegal drugs are "ok"? Or which ones are not
laced with something harder? Yes, BM doesn't do drugs, but she still
chooses to expose her kids to it daily. As a mother I refuse to have my
children in a house where drugs are even kept, let alone used and bought. So
yes, I judge her for that. Either way the drugs aren't the primary issue, it
was brought up to illustrate what I'm up against.
>Be careful, hippies aren't necessarily burned out. You may not understand
>what makes them tick, but it doesn't follow that they haven't sound values
>of their own.
>Wendy
I never said they didn't have any values, nor that ALL hippies are burned
out. THEY are burned out, they don't contribute to society, only drain off
it, and in my book anyone who is too fried from drugs to hold a job is
burnt. They had a broken down school bus they kept for years as a backup in
case they lost their house, that is far from coherent IMO.
My beef is the total lack of responsibility that BM has. It is her job to
take care of the kids. Part of that is making sure that they have an
education. How much effort she puts into it is not mandated, but I know that
we can do better. I know that the kids are not dumb, and are being cheated
by her lack of effort. There is no reason or excuse that she can think up
that makes it ok in my book for her 4th grader to read on a 1st grade level.
When like last Thursday night, SD shows up here with half of her work
missing, and we
try to track it down and don't even get a returned call it makes me irate.
I'm not trying to come in and break up their family, or change them. I'm not
trying to keep them away from their mom. Whether I like her or not or agree
with her or not is irrelevant. What matters is that the kids have the
opportunity to actually learn something other than how to do the minimum in
life. I realize that BM and her family have things to offer the kids as
well. I think it's great how they stick together and help each other, and
how creative they are.
We are going to muddle through this school year doing what we can, but next
year I am going to insist, bribe, or fight legally to get the kids during
the week, and in the school we want. I'm also leaning on SD to be more
responsible, and made a deal with her that if she does well this year and
doesn't have to attend summer school, she can get a pet here.
I appreciate all the suggestions, and wonderful ideas. I will definitely put
them to use.
Thanks again,
~Sioux
>
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Vicki Robinson
>How can we tell them in a few years that they shouldn't do drugs when even
>Grandma disagrees. Maybe they primarily do pot, but who's to say that when
>the kids start experimenting they will stop there. What's the real
>difference between buying a bag of weed from a dealer, and buying heroine?
Beyond the legal penalties, which are *much* stricter for heroin than
for pot, the physical toll is also very different.
I don't buy the notion that kids can't make distinctions, that a wink
and a nod at pot means that they'll jump to the conclusion that heroin
is OK too. I use alcohol almost daily. I also use it very responsibly,
I never ever drive if I've had even one drink, and I always stop at one.
My kids have been aware for years that alcohol is a drug (as are caffeine
and nicotine, if you want to be technical), but that the fact that
alcohol can be used responsibly doesn't mean that heroin can. Alcohol
isn't addictive in all cases. Heroin is. And, to tell the truth,
there are many long-term heroin addicts out there who are functional.
I wouldn't recommend it, though. The risks are too great.
>Who will explain to them which illegal drugs are "ok"? Or which ones are not
>laced with something harder?
I hope you will, if their mom won't.
>Yes, BM doesn't do drugs, but she still
>chooses to expose her kids to it daily. As a mother I refuse to have my
>children in a house where drugs are even kept, let alone used and bought. So
>yes, I judge her for that. Either way the drugs aren't the primary issue, it
>was brought up to illustrate what I'm up against.
I understand your point, and I have been strict about illegal drugs at
my home too, because they are illegal, and I don't want to be exposed
to the penalties. I can't, however, in good conscience, class all
illegal drugs together in terms of their health risks. I have told my
kids this, too, along with the warning that since pot is unregulated,
you don't actually know what you're getting, and it can be dangerous
to get PCP-enhanced pot. But one of the reasons that they believe me
is because I don't demonize all drugs.
>We are going to muddle through this school year doing what we can, but next
>year I am going to insist, bribe, or fight legally to get the kids during
>the week, and in the school we want. I'm also leaning on SD to be more
>responsible, and made a deal with her that if she does well this year and
>doesn't have to attend summer school, she can get a pet here.
I think that's a good idea; it's pretty clear that your household will
be better for their academic achievement, and that's the key to the
brass ring in life. But just be sure to keep your eye on the prize
and to not get distracted by side issues that you have no hope of
controlling anyway!
Sioux
BM got REAMED by SD's new teacher at the open house! It's been 7 days of
school, and SD only turned in some homework last Friday. She of course
blames everyone but herself, and I'm a little peeved because she called SD
and chewed her out over it. I didn't say anything to SD about it, but hate
to see her crying and beating herself up when it is BM's responsiblity to
help her. DH is meeting Sunday with BM to discuss changes. Her teacher seems
to really care, perhaps this year will be a better one.
~Sioux
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DrLith
> let it sit overnight, melted it again and strained out the pot, then
> used the butter to make chocolate chip cookies. She swore it worked,
> and you didn't get twigs and seeds in your teeth.
Step-parenting advice *and* recipies--God, you guys are good!
DrLith