Problem - Long lost siblings
Pugg
reading things for a couple weeks, and it seems to me that people here are
really helpful about giving different points of view, and that is what I
need right now. Mainly, because I'm not sure at all what is right in this
case, and I would really like to hear any suggestions at all.
OK, the situation is rather involved, so I'll try to shorten it as I can. I
have two step-children, an 8yo girl, and a 10yo boy. They have both been
through quite a bit. Their biological mother was incarcerated 7 years ago
when they were 18 months and 3 years old. They had an older brother and
sister. The brother is now 14, and the sister 18. When the mother was
arrested, the children were all put in foster care. The Dad had a heck of a
time getting them out because Child Protective Services were involved, and
there was (false) accusations made by the mom against him. (Can you believe
they took the word of a felon who was a pathological liar.) It took him
over a year, and thousands of dollars in lawyers fees to get them to release
the two younger ones to him. He had to give up on the older ones, for
reasons too involved to get into.
The mother is not a problem at this time. She was released from prison last
year, and saw the two kids for a about half a year. Dad refused to allow
visitations after he found out her live-in boyfriend was arrested for
selling Methamphetamine. He went and got his rap sheet, and he is a career
criminal, with convictions all the way to age 18. Since we stopped
visitations, she hasn't done much to force the issue. The kids, who started
acting up terribly when they visited her, have settled down in the last 6
months, and are back to themselves (great kids - by the way).
Now, however, we have gotten phone calls from both older children wanting to
see their siblings. The older girl was kicked out by her foster mother
before she graduated from high school. She claims she doesn't remember
anything from her younger years at all. She sounds to me like she is really
messed up. We know she has experimented with Marajauna, because she
admitted it to us, saying, "I don't do hard drugs or anything, just pot."
She was living with a family that tried to help her out, but after they got
after her for staying out all night a few times, she announced she was
moving in with her mom (just a place to stay, she tells us). She works at
Burger King, and says she is taking classes at the community college.
The boy is still living with the foster parents, but has called us asking to
see his siblings. It is kind of strange, though, because it sounds like the
foster parents don't know he is contacting us. The foster mother is very
anti-Dad, by the way. The brother has told his Dad that he is sorry about
the lies, but doesn't seem to be too interested in a relationship with Dad,
just seeing the two younger children.
Dad's heart is breaking for his two older children, and he really wants to
try to establish some kind of relationship with them. However, he is also
super-protective of the two younger ones. We are both torn. I am afraid
that the older kids coming in to their lives now would disrupt them
pyschologically. They are both doing so well now. We're also afraid of the
kind of thing where the older kids pop back in, then disappear again. We
have worked so hard to establish a very safe, consistent environment for
these kids, and I'm afraid dealing with another loss would be very hard for
them. They had been diagnosed with attachment disorder from all the
disruptions they went through in their early life. Four years ago they had
contact with the older children when they had a prison visit with their
biological mother. She arranged it without telling anyone, and it was a
total suprise. They cried and cried all the way home that day, and were
quite upset for weeks after that.
If we should wait till they are older to establish contact, what would be a
good age.
Lastly, are we doing them harm by not allowing visits with thier siblings?
So there it is. What should we do? Any advice would be appreciated.
Maria
lilblakdog
during supervised visits until you all feel that they can be trusted on
outings by themselves. If the older siblings don't want anything to do
with Dad that's fine, but I think that you should find someone (yourself,
perhaps) who can sit in on the visits and make sure they are happy,
enjoyable visits for everybody.
I'm saying this as someone who is very close to her three brothers. They
have and continue to enrich my life every day. I couldn't imagine not
having them but there are no guarantees in life...one day they'll be gone
and I'll have to continue. Your stepchildren will do the same. I think
the chance for positives all the way around outweigh the possible
negatives.
As far as their relationship with Dad goes, remember that they've been
living with a lot of resentment for a long time. And there hasn't been
anybody around to answer their questions. It's completely understandable
that they don't want a relationship with him right now. Perhaps, in time,
*your* children might turn their lives around. They don't sound like
they're too bad...the girl has a job; the boy's still in foster care.
Experimenting with pot isn't the worst thing in the world. Both my oldest
brother and my younger brother experimented with pot and they were so
discreet about it that I didn't even know anything about it until I was an
adult.
This is just my opinion, of course. I have no wish to influence you in
this--you have to do what you think is best for your children. But I don't
think any age is too young to start a relationship with siblings and,
carefully supervised, there is a great deal of potential for healing for
everybody.
lil
VanEx
Maria,
I would give the older siblings a chance. I think it would be good
thing for the kids to see each other. Besides, if you are there with
them, what could happen? It sounds like the older siblings have also
had a rough life. Maybe some kind of "family" contact will help them to
be better people. Good luck!
Maria Too
Merrie
Yes I think they should be able to visit their older siblings - for two
reasons: 1 - if you don't allow visits it will come back to haunt you
when they become young adults. Some kids could be angry that they
weren't allowed that relationship. 2 - if you wait until they are young
adults, you will have less control of the situation. These young
children as teenagers will be able to seek out their siblings on their
own.
I would call them up and tell them that you would like to have them
visit, but that you would like to meet with them privately first. I
would do this face to face, not over the phone. Get a look at them.
Hopefully, they can agree to this meeting and it will allow you both to
establish some ground rules. Teens need to understand that they are
role models and need to refrain from acting as they would with other
teens. They don't necessarily know this. You should also be able to
agree on where would be a good place to visit, and they should be
comfortable with visitation being supervised by you or someone you
choose.
It's possible it's a one time thing, and I don't think it will hurt the
kids if that's the way it is. The label "brother" or "sister" doesn't
have any magic in it - the magic exists in the relationship itself. The
kids will have a feel for what the relationship is and treat it that
way.
Merrie
janelaw
Yes, of course you have to do it. You owe it to all of the
kids. Family is so important.
I'm not sure why you are hesitant. From what you posted, it
sounds like your teen SKs are reaching out for the first time in
a long time. After the life they have had, this sounds like a
big step forward.
It goes without saying that you want to protect the younger SKs
whom you have raised. It seems easy enough to me to arrange
some family events where you, DH, and the younger SKs can get to
know their siblings. A dinner party, trip to a water park, even
lunch and a movie could break the ice.
I wouldn't worry too much about the younger kids' reaction four
years ago. I can't imagine what BM was thinking of when she
planned that "surprise." I'm certain you would be much more
sensitive. I also think you are borrowing trouble in worrying
that the older SKs will abandon the younger ones, when they
haven't even begun to work out a relationship. It is my
understanding that you are supposed to help the children with
attachment disorders form "appropriate" attachments, not avoid
attachment altogether. If it is possible, I would discuss this
with a psychologist. Are the children seeing one now?
Maybe you clipped too much detail from the post. The teen SKs
don't sound like monsters to me. Maybe you are just dreading
any further association with BM, even through the older kids. I
don't see that an 18 yo staying out all night is any big deal.
Nor do I see what SS's foster mother's feelings for DH have to
do with anything. Even if SD does smoke pot, I don't see that
she shouldn't have a relationship with your family. If you
suspect she is high while she is visiting with you, you could
just speak to her about it. In fact, since you discuss the
subject openly, why don't you just go ahead and talk to her
about it ahead of time?
Basically, i would do this: talk to the younger kids and get
input; talk to their counselor; schedule plans for supervised
visitation among all the children; gradually work the teen SKs
into your life; and monitor the situation to see where the
correct balance for your family will lie. I also think it's
really important that you and DH discuss each step along the
way.
Good luck. These kids probably need you.
Pugg
exactly why I feel so reluctant. I guess it's being a little
overprotective. It's also a worry that it will disrupt our lives again like
when visitations began with the biological mother. That was such a
nightmare. All we did was sit by the phone and worry.
Thanks for your input. I will think about it.
Goodbye everyone. It was nice to get to know you all a little bit for this
last month (I'm not sure how long I've been reading this newsgroup.) I am
going to cut my computer time, it's interfering with my life too much. Good
luck with everything!
Maria
janelaw wrote in message <35ED9DA2...@excite.com>...