Well, I survived!
lilblakdog
thoroughly painful as I thought it would be, but with the help of five
glasses of wine, three cigarettes, my FIL and the ex's husband, I survived.
DH's ex's husband is really such a great guy. I'm sure he was every bit as
uncomfortable as I was. He holds his own extremely well--you'd actually
never guess it bothered him at all to be there. But the fact that he
gravitated to me the minute he realized I was there (and I happened to
notice that he'd already finished off his carton of Mike's Hard Ice Tea!)
led me to believe that he was looking for an ally! He and I stuck together
before dinner and after--he asked me lots of questions about the needlework
I was working on and we basically kept our own conversation going when we
couldn't follow the stories about the old days.
I was smart--I took my latest cross-stitch project with me. It's a 175,192
stitch, 16" x 20", 145 colour picture of the fireworks over Expo 86, here
in Vancouver. I designed it myself and it was perfect for reminding me
that I didn't need to feel inadequate or unequal. I also took my book of
other Expo patterns I designed (there are about a dozen in all of various
sizes and eventually I'll have a room full of finished pieces), so I could
pass it around and show them how amazingly talented I am! :-)
DH's ex did her best to make things uncomfortable for me--intentional or
not. It was hilarious that with three daughters-in-law there, the only one
calling my in-laws mom and dad (other than DH and his brothers) was DH's
ex. We've never been encouraged to call them that. Not even the
"favorite"--my oldest BIL's wife--who lived in the house with them for
years calls them mom and dad!
I'm on new migraine medication that makes me very sleepy and so we were
discussing my "new medication". She jumped up and said, "So are you
driving her crazy now, too? It's not enough that you had me on medication,
you have to drive her to it as well?" It took everything in me to tell her
that her mental problems were her own--DH didn't cause them. And that she
should leave me out of them! My MIL had a nervous breakdown after DH
cancelled his wedding to his ex. His family blamed it on DH and he wasn't
even allowed to come to the hospital. There's no reason he needs to
continue to think that he's the cause of other peoples' mental problems.
He might trigger them, but he wouldn't if they weren't already pre-disposed
to react that way!
We had left the novel we had my stepson working on, with instructions that
my MIL should have him read a chapter each evening and one in the
afternoon. Well, she told us rather sheepishly that he hadn't read it and
we should probably take it home and give it to him again when he came back.
DH and I both knew that meant that his ex had taken over (even though he's
technically still on visitation and living under our rules) and that there
wouldn't be any reading as long as she was around. Not only that, but at
dinner he sat with her and all she gave him was salad and pickles. He said
that he didn't want any meat, so she didn't give him any.
AAAAAAYYYYYYYGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Boy...I'm doing that a lot lately! He's a growing boy! She gave him pop
to drink and no meat! If nothing else, I make sure he eats all of the main
part of the meal--in this case, the meat. And I always look at the meal
and give him a drink that makes up for anything lacking. If he hasn't had
much dairy, I give him milk; if there aren't many vegetables, I give him
juice. I would never give him pop with dinner! He ate about eight pickles
and some green salad. Then he insisted he was full and was excused from
the table but brought back shortly for black forest cake. Meanwhile, DH
and I sat on the other side of the table fuming. DH kept suggesting that
he try to eat half a piece of chicken and he insisted that he didn't want
to. And his idiot mother refused to take the hint and push the issue from
her side of the table! It's no wonder getting him to eat anything is like
pulling teeth! And my MIL said that he really hadn't eaten anything all
day.
And her laugh! That's being really petty, but you haven't lived till
you've heard this laugh. It made my teeth hurt! As we were leaving, I
turned to DH and said, "How on earth did you live with that laugh?" He
turned to me and said, "Obviously, I didn't!"
And as petty as I am sometimes, she's much worse. I've been in the car
with her while she laughs herself silly at people who don't understand how
to navigate the ferry terminal parking lot. Last night, she and her
husband sat there slamming his ex-wife. Now I understand his dislike for
her, but they've taken to calling her FB and sat there discussing all the
things that FB could stand for. In there case, it generally stands for
f***ing b****, but they were making jokes about the other things it could
stand for. Her husband says, "One thing it doesn't stand for is "fantastic
body" and DH's ex starts laughing her head off. Now you'd understand how
*really* unnecessary this is when I tell you that, collectively, DH's ex
and her husband must weight at least 500 lbs!
When things got too bad, I just followed my FIL out onto the patio for a
cigarette and the two of us would stay out there for an hour or so!
I can honestly say that I'm never doing that again...I'm not strong enough!
I did it, I survived, and I'm done with it!
lil
Merrie
I'm happy for you that it's behind you. Even though you'd probably like
to forget the whole event - I have a feeling that your stepson will
remember it for a very long time, perhaps well into adulthood. I'll
even speculate that because it's one of the few times that all his
family branches were together, it'll be a very happy memory. You
probably won't get any thanks from the people that should be thanking
you but the rest of us know that it was a very kind of you.
You are far more couragous than I am.
Merrie
tel...@ncal.net
willing to go, let alone be gracious the whole time. Way to go! Your
husband and stepson really have a prize in you.
lilblakdog wrote:
> <snip>
janelaw
>
> Last night was my big dinner with the in-laws and the ex. And it was as
> thoroughly painful as I thought it would be, but with the help of five
> glasses of wine, three cigarettes, my FIL and the ex's husband, I survived.
>
>
Congratulations!
I was away for several days. I had to pop in and see how you
made out. I knew you had it in you.
Andrew&Posey
Stepmothers.
Seriously, you are such a strong person for not only agreeing to this event
but going through it and coming out with your head held high. All I could
think is from your description is that she 1) felt totally uncomfortable 2)
is a very insecure person 3) knows that you're a real part of the family and
that she isn't any more.
And hey, sometimes you deserve to revel in the pettiness. I've said it
before that we have to enjoy the smaller pleasures in our situations. I
think that the best thing to remember is how awful she seems - and make sure
that you never let your pettiness get the better of you the way it has of
her.
>Not only that, but at
>dinner he sat with her and all she gave him was salad and pickles. He said
>that he didn't want any meat, so she didn't give him any.
I'm not the biggest advocate of meat or coddling picky eaters, so I don't
think that a child should have to eat meat BUT - she should have given him
the choice of either a cheese or PB sandwich. Why don't these idiotic
parents realise that kids *need* protein?
>I would never give him pop with dinner!
We also have these sort of rules, but the last weekend that the kids were
here, since it was a Friday night and we don't usually have them on Friday,
we let them have Tizer (a fruit soda here in the UK) with their meal. They
were thrilled and so shocked to be given something other than milk or juice
or water with their meal that the next morning, when we were fixing their
breakfast and I asked what they'd like to drink, my younger SD (nearly 5)
piped up "oh, I'm having Tizer again, please!!!" - as if to see if she
would be able to get away with it, like they do at their mother's house.
Haw!
>He ate about eight pickles
>and some green salad. Then he insisted he was full and was excused from
>the table but brought back shortly for black forest cake.
OT - Really, I have to empathise with SKs everywhere who manage to live by 2
sets of rules & expectations because one parent is too dumb to realise how
much they're disrespecting their kids through diet, lack of rules, etc.
It's a wonder that they can get through the day! It's very sad when we
realise what double lives my SDs have to live - with us, they have strict
rules but don't get hit or called names so they do wonderfully. Then it's
back to make your own rules, eat what you want and cry if you don't get your
way and look out for the spankings. Poor things!
Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox & give you back the spotlight, lil - you
deserve it. I never would have been able to do that...
*applause & hand-shake*
Posey
Vicki Robinson
>Seriously, you are such a strong person for not only agreeing to this event
>but going through it and coming out with your head held high. All I could
>think is from your description is that she 1) felt totally uncomfortable 2)
>is a very insecure person 3) knows that you're a real part of the family and
>that she isn't any more.
>
OH, OW!! First let me say that I do sympathize with the position you
were in, lil, I *really* do, specially since your in-laws have gone so
far out of their way to not welcome you into their circle. I think
that's rude and petty of them, and stupid too. But they sound like
pretty loserish kinds of folks, so maybe it's not so awful in the long
run. However, I need to take issue with Posey's #3 up there; biomom is
still, and always will be, the mother of DH's son, the in-laws'
grandson. My ex- is still part of my mother's family, because he is the
father of two of her grandkids. He is welcome in her home and there are
still pictures of him on her walls, with my blessing. To try to erase
him from *her* life is not my right, and certainly would put my kids in a
difficult position. In the same way, my husband's ex is still a very
strong presence in my in-laws' house, both in photos and in person, and I
would never dream of objecting. They love her, she's the mother of their
granddaughters, and she has her position in family history. My situation
is different from lil's because my in-laws have welcomed me with open
arms, and consider my kids their grandchildren as well, so I don't feel
that there is any competition going on. But divorce ends a marriage, it
doesn't sever the myriad other ties that have been established and
nurtured, especially when there are children involved.
Vicki
--
Vicki Robinson
<blink><a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/binky.html">BINKY!</a></blink>
Visit my home page at <a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts"> Vicki's Home Page
</a> and sign my guest book. Millions have!
lilblakdog
Vicki Robinson <vic...@panix.com> wrote in article
> However, I need to take issue with Posey's #3 up there; biomom is
> still, and always will be, the mother of DH's son, the in-laws'
> grandson. My ex- is still part of my mother's family, because he is the
> father of two of her grandkids. He is welcome in her home and there are
> still pictures of him on her walls, with my blessing. To try to erase
> him from *her* life is not my right, and certainly would put my kids in a
> difficult position.
Very good point, Vicki...although I must admit that I'm still trying to
accept the new portrait of the ex's family that sits on my in-laws' mantal
(sp?) with the rest of the family pictures. I tell myself that they have
every right to have it there, but it doesn't make it too much easier to
look at!
I'm going to take some liberties and adjust the way Posey wrote her #3...I
think the point that she was getting at was that I was the one who was
married to DH...not her. That's what DH keeps telling me to keep in mind
and what I'm sure is driving her nuts! Sorry, Posey, if I'm speaking out
of turn.
lil
lilblakdog
Andrew&Posey <p...@notbloodylikely.demon.co.uk> wrote in article
<904670263.12311.0...@news.demon.co.uk>...
> I'm not the biggest advocate of meat or coddling picky eaters, so I don't
> think that a child should have to eat meat BUT - she should have given
him
> the choice of either a cheese or PB sandwich. Why don't these idiotic
> parents realise that kids *need* protein?
Actually, that was why I said that I always make sure he eats the "main"
part of his meal. I'm not terribly huge on meat, either, but the in-laws
are which is why it was there. My stepson isn't adverse to a little meat,
either, and I think his mom and stepfather ate about three portions each!
I agree with you wholeheartedly--if they are going to give him a "veggie"
dinner, they need to balance it out so that it's healthy...not just green
salad and pickles!
> We also have these sort of rules, but the last weekend that the kids were
> here, since it was a Friday night and we don't usually have them on
Friday,
> we let them have Tizer (a fruit soda here in the UK) with their meal.
Actually, I have to admit that I spoke without thinking when I said that I
*never* give him pop with dinner. On pizza nights or if we stop for fast
food, of course, we allow him to have pop...of course, I balance that out
earlier in the day.
lil
Andrew&Posey
often struggle to enforce get thrown out the window on Pizza Nights? It's
so cute!
Posey
Andrew&Posey
lilblakdog wrote in message <01bdd5d1$284a96e0$4f0067d1@watsons>...
Thanks, Lil and Vickifor clarifying my point - I was going more for how you
phrased it, lil. Of course his mom will always be his mom. No question
about it, and if the inlaws can have a good relationship with her, bully for
them and that's good for the SS!
My rather poorly phrased point was exactly what lil mentioned. Lil - you're
his wife, and she no longer is. Sure, the inlaws have every right to
maintain whatever sort of relationship with the ex that they like, but it's
*lil* who is in the family now... if that makes any sense... 25 days away
from the wedding, many things are coming out a bit convoluted ;)
Once again, I raise my glass to you, Lil. Huzzah for personal courage!!!
Posey
janelaw
>
> Vicki Robinson <vic...@panix.com> wrote in article
>
> > However, I need to take issue with Posey's #3 up there; biomom is
> > still, and always will be, the mother of DH's son, the in-laws'
> > grandson. My ex- is still part of my mother's family, because he is the
> > father of two of her grandkids. He is welcome in her home and there are
> > still pictures of him on her walls, with my blessing. To try to erase
> > him from *her* life is not my right, and certainly would put my kids in a
> > difficult position.
>
> Very good point, Vicki...although I must admit that I'm still trying to
> accept the new portrait of the ex's family that sits on my in-laws' mantal
> (sp?) with the rest of the family pictures. I tell myself that they have
> every right to have it there, but it doesn't make it too much easier to
> look at!
>
>
Last week a friend asked me whether my husband minded the
pictures of my ex. I was amazed. It had never crossed my mind
that he would care. When I looked around, I realized that there
are actually MORE pictures of my ex. Some of them are "happy
family" shots taken many years ago.
My theory is that if my daughter sees her dad's face every day,
then she will feel that he is part of her life. Between visits
and phone calls, the pictures keep her dad a constant presence
in her life.
DH doesn't mind this at all. I believe this is because our
photograph collection spans decades. There is no sense that we
are stuck at any one point in time. Also, we have photos of my
ex and his SO with my daughter. Maybe the old family portrait
of DH, BM, and SS won't bother you so much when you give the ILs
one of your new family portraits.
janelaw
I thought the same thing when I read lil's post. Pizza night
must be the universal exception.
Vicki Robinson
>Andrew&Posey wrote:
>>
>> Isn't it funny how the dietary rules we all seem to agree upon here and
>> often struggle to enforce get thrown out the window on Pizza Nights? It's
>> so cute!
>
>I thought the same thing when I read lil's post. Pizza night
>must be the universal exception.
I was brought up short when my kids mentioned that they got root beer
at dinner at my ex's SO's house when they went there on Friday nights.
I was going to mention it to her. Then I remembered that she keeps a
kosher kitchen and, of course, milk would not be part of the menu.
I'll bet I have the only Lutheran kids in North America who can say
the Shabbos blessing without missing a word.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com.
lilblakdog
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
<35EC836A...@excite.com>...
> My theory is that if my daughter sees her dad's face every day,
> then she will feel that he is part of her life. Between visits
> and phone calls, the pictures keep her dad a constant presence
> in her life.
I couldn't agree more. I've had DH's ex send me photos of herself and her
family, framed them and put them all over my stepson's room. I've also
collected all the photos I could find of DH and his ex when they were
teenagers and filled a collage frame with them for his wall. It's
perfectly acceptable to me that my stepson misses his mom and his brother
and sisters when he's here and I try to make his room as comforting as
possible.
In fact, it was DH himself who had a problem with his wife collecting
photos of him and his ex!
And the funny thing is that I wouldn't have thought anything of it if the
new family portrait was in my stepson's room at his grandparents...it's
just that displayed in the living room with all the other family pictures
is a little tough to take. I wouldn't dream of putting photos of DH and
his ex in our living room, but in my stepson's room it's alright.
I think my biggest problem is with the way it will appear to other people.
It's one thing to know that your husband and his family know that you're
the current wife. It's another thing when friends who come over for the
first time in ten years see photos of the girlfriend that they remember and
go home not knowing who you are or that you're even in the picture. Do you
know what I mean?
It's irrational, I know, but I figure it's probably fairly normal! :-)
lil
Michael R. Martin
You are definitely a bigger person than I am. As I read your post, I was
trying to figure out which thought made me shudder more -- having to go to
dinner with my in laws, having to go to dinner with the ex and her family,
or having them all together.
But, when my SS turned 12 and we tried having everyone together, my
husband's family refused to come because his ex was going to be here.
So, luckily, I don't think I'll ever have to worry about being in that
situation, thank God.
Cindy Martin
sha...@mvp.net
hu...@mindless.com
http://mvp.net/~shadow/
St.John, Missouri 63114
A member of the "HTML Writers Guild"
A day's not complete without getting into a little "trouble".
Pattie Schey
several of the episodes you experienced becuase I tend to speak my
mind. Especially when people barb someone who is not there to defend
themselves. Or I would have said "apparently you did see something in
you ex at one time...you were married weren't you?"
Anyway...I give you alot of credit for maintaining your own...Your corss
stitch sounds wonderful...I freelance illustrate to keep my sanity!1
Pattie