Not sure about my behaviour
VolvoR
I'm a 34 year old recently (a year ago) seperated man. Shortly after my seperation I met my current GF. She's wonderful, everything I've ever wanted in a woman. My ex was great, but that relationship just died a slow death. We tried, we talked, we decided to seperate. No kids from that marriage. We're still friends (much to my current GF's dismay).
Anyway...my point. My current GF (we live together now) has a daughter, I'll call her Kelsey. Her biological father has no part in her life at all, never has. His family however does, and they love Kelsey dearly. I have no problem at all with her going there whenever she wants. A child needs as much love as there is out there. My problem is that I've been put into the role of disciplinarian. This ALWAYS makes me the bad guy. I also feel like I "pick" on her. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm very demanding of her. It seems like the little things really get under my skin. Like the long drawn out sighs when she's asked to do something. Or the fact that she cries at the drop of a hat (Her mother says she always has, that it's not me). I wake up every morning and my first thought is that today I'll be more understanding of the fact that she's only 11 years old and not as mature as I'm used to. I think my problem is that I compare her to myself at her age. By 11 I'd live in every type of situation you could ask for from a town of 400 set at the B.C. Yukon border to a city of 11 million where I didn't speak the language (Athens Greece). Adaptation was the name of the game when I was a kid. Kelsey doesn't adapt to anything. She can't even make Kraft Dinner. I've tried to teach her, but I get frustrated VERY easily. And again I compare her to my-younger-self. At 11 I was cooking, properly. I guess I have a hard time understanding why she's so incapable. This frustrates me, and I get mad at her. I love her very much, she has a heart of gold, and until she came along I didn't think I wanted kids. Now I feel I'd be lost without her around. She's VERY intelligent, but I think she lacks "smarts", if you know what I mean. I think that's what gets me.
Any ideas of how to calm my frustration would be GREATLY appreciated.
Sorry this was so long. Long story I guess.
Thanks
jane
right off, and you'll be bad-mouthing my sainted mother by the end of the day.
But then you say stuff like this:
> I wake up every morning
>and my first thought is that today I'll be more understanding of the fact
>that she's only 11 years old and not as mature as I'm used to. I think my
>problem is that I compare her to myself at her age.
I am incapable of not responding to that.
All you have to do is flip it around in your head. This is all about you and
your childhood. It's not your SD that is bugging you. She's a good kid, a
nice kid. But there's this quality about her and her situation that hits a
nerve with you. Weakness, helplessness, dependency, incompetence - that's what
I'm getting.
It's not that you think she should have the same childhood you did or that she
should be just like you were. It's that you are still reacting to that quality
that you had to overcome to survive as a kid. She doesn't have your abilities
to think on your feet and adapt and tough things out because she's living a
different life. She's not going to freeze to death out on the tundra if she
she can't trap, clean, and cook her food with her bare hands.
Is this making any sense? You love the kid. It's the helplessness itself that
gets under your skin. You're programmed to reject it. Just remind yourself of
that. When you start to feel upset, just remind yourself that no one is going
to starve to death if they can't get the Kraft dinner right. When she bursts
into tears, remind yourself that it is okay for her to cry. She doesn't have to
be mature at 11. She's not living your life. She can grow up at a different
pace.
Here's another thing. You know how hard your childhood was sometimes? You
learned how to be tough and strong and resourceful, but while you were learning
it, you probably wished it could be easier. You probably wished that you could
cry sometimes. SD has an abundance of something you didn't get enough of. If
you don't want to begrudge it to her, get some of your own.
jane
> "VolvoR"
VolvoR
you don't want to begrudge it to her, get some of your own.
I'm not sure what you mean...but I think you're talking about love. As a child (and now) I got alot of Love. I would never begrudge Kelsey of love.
As for crying, I cried plenty as a kid, I was a small, geeky kid who never fit in anywhere. That's hard as a teen (or younger).
I guess I just need a way to understand her better. Remember, I'm new to this parenting thing. I'm doing the best I can, but I know I'm not being the best dad I can. That's what I want more than anything else in the world.
Thanks for the reply...8-)
jane
>you don't want to begrudge it to her, get some of your own.
>
>I'm not sure what you mean...but I think you're talking about love. As a
>child (and now) I got alot of Love. I would never begrudge Kelsey of love.
I don't know you. I'm just going by what you say. That's why I was vague. I
wasn't thinking of love, though. I don't get the impression you begrudge her
love. The word that came to mind was "coddling." And helplessness. I think
you begrudge her her helplessness.
>I guess I just need a way to understand her better.
Nah. It's yourself you have to understand better. Really. Whenever something
drives you nuts about another person, it's all about you. Think about it.
Millions of people have millions of annoying qualities. The ones that get
right up our noses are the ones that we are touchy about.
> Remember, I'm new to
>this parenting thing. I'm doing the best I can, but I know I'm not being the
>best dad I can. That's what I want more than anything else in the world.
I don't want to discourage you, but it doesn't happen in a day. If you're in
this for the long haul - and you appear to me to be, - you've got to set
yourself realistic goals. You're going to be screwing up and kicking yourself
in the butt regularly. Go with "the best dad I can be today." And tomorrow
you'll try to be better.
>Thanks for the reply...8-)
Thanks for not calling my mother trash.
jane
>"VolvoR"
Anne Robotti
>Nah. It's yourself you have to understand better. Really. Whenever something
>drives you nuts about another person, it's all about you. Think about it.
>Millions of people have millions of annoying qualities. The ones that get
>right up our noses are the ones that we are touchy about.
Somebody here said once that if you take somebody that REALLY gets
under your skin, you write their faults on a piece of paper and put
their name at the top. Then you can cross out their name and write
yours. Ugh. That was *bad* news, because it's just so true.
Jane, that's some heavy shit you're dropping on the new guy there.
You've been telling me the same thing for nearly ten years and I'm
still resisting it!
Anne
WhansaMi
>under your skin, you write their faults on a piece of paper and put
>their name at the top. Then you can cross out their name and write
>yours. Ugh. That was *bad* news, because it's just so true.
I don't always agree. It *could* be what you don't like in yourself. It also
could be a concept/trait that is totally alien to you, or that you find
inappropriate. Believe me, anal-retentive people do *not* drive me crazy
because I see myself in them. :-)
Sheila
Deborah M Riel
Anne Robotti <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote:
>Somebody here said once that if you take somebody that REALLY gets
>under your skin, you write their faults on a piece of paper and put
>their name at the top. Then you can cross out their name and write
>yours. Ugh. That was *bad* news, because it's just so true.
>
I really don't believe this. Maybe it's true in a some cases, but as
a rule, I don't think so. People who really get under my skin are
usually totally opposite from me, unless you mean something I'm not
getting.
Deb R.
jane
>under your skin, you write their faults on a piece of paper and put
>their name at the top.
Well, I don't entirely agree, but something like that. You have issues with
other people where you have them with yourself.
Like me and punctuality. I am very punctual, and I used to have a big problem
with people being late. Lee's father blew me off when we were dating and
explained that he was in the ER with his father, and I said "they have pay
phones in hospitals, you know."
Something (waiting for my father) made me sensitive on the punctuality issue.
I rejected it in myself and in others. I had control of my own actions, so the
rejection came out in me as punctuality. With others it came out as anger at
their tardiness.
Anyway, it doesn't matter if people seem to drive you crazy because they're
just like you or totally opposite of you. It's still all about you.
>Jane, that's some heavy shit you're dropping on the new guy there.
Yabbut, he seemed troubled. I am a total sucker for troubled.
I know that the usual response to "it's not the kid, it's you" is "fuck you, it
is not." But OP seemed really troubled by his reactions. He really didn't
seem to understand why he was getting upset. And my experience with people who
think about this stuff is that after they reject the idea, they kick it around
in their heads, and where it's true it sticks. And this guy is spending a lot
of time thinking about this stuff.
jane
>
>Anne
Jenchel
Melanie
daughter. I have no children of my own and trust me, it is hard to blend. I
have some advice for you. No kid, no matter who they are, do what we want them
to do all the time. I find myself telling my SD 3 times to clean her room. I
really want to shout "CLEAN THIS DAMN ROOM NOW". However, if I did, she would
cry. Kids are all at different levels, they mature at different levels, and to
try and change the situation is not happening. Kids are kids. They sigh, they
require patience, they cry. The lesson for me was to train myself on how to be
the patient person I never have been. (still need some work) :) I took the most
irritating points with my SD and tried to turn it into positive thinking for
me. I realized I was powerless in lots of situations and the stress level is
not worth the outcome. Try walking away when you are the most frustrated. It
works for me. I won't say it has been a long hard road but you yourself will
learn a lot in time. Realize she is not you and she does not think like you or
act like you. I still tell myself that on a regular basis. Good Luck.I, too,
love my stepdaughter very much. We have a great relationship. Hang in there.
Melanie
The Watsons
"VolvoR" <andr...@rogers.com> wrote in message
news:1f4bd217b6b3e9a1...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> Anyway...my point. My current GF (we live together now) has a daughter,
I'll call her Kelsey. Her biological father >has no part in her life at
all, never has. His family however does, and they love Kelsey dearly. I
have no problem at >all with her going there whenever she wants. A child
needs as much love as there is out there. My problem is that >I've been put
into the role of disciplinarian. This ALWAYS makes me the bad guy.
i take it you're not comfortable with that? ;) have you tried talking to
your GF about a different approach you'd like?
> I also feel like I "pick" on her. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but
I'm very demanding of her. It seems like the >little things really get
under my skin. Like the long drawn out sighs when she's asked to do
something. Or the fact >that she cries at the drop of a hat (Her mother
says she always has, that it's not me).
sunshine used to Really whine (and i mean that really high pitched, grating
whine that makes you claw the walls) Any time i asked her to so much as put
her dinner dishes in the sink or to get the water off the floor after her
bathtimes...at first, it used to just irritate the snot outta me, until my
mother caught her at it one time, and watched me go nuts...mom's simple
comment was "you know she's doing that just because it makes you react,
right?" might not have been accurate, but every time after that, i'd start
tuning out the whining/crying/foot stampings, etc. IOW-let her whine, let
her cry-it's not like it's going to hurt her, and maybe she is doing it
because she knows it gets a reaction, so once the reaction stops, she'll
stop...:) and i think if you and GF can do a more balanced approach that
doesn't always make you the bad guy, that'll help some too...:)
> I wake up every morning and my first thought is that today I'll be more
understanding of the fact that she's only 11 >years old and not as mature as
I'm used to. I think my problem is that I compare her to myself at her age.
By 11 I'd >live in every type of situation you could ask for from a town of
400 set at the B.C. Yukon border to a city of 11 >million where I didn't
speak the language (Athens Greece). Adaptation was the name of the game
when I was a kid. >Kelsey doesn't adapt to anything.She can't even make
Kraft Dinner. I've tried to teach her, but I get frustrated VERY >easily.
And again I compare her to my-younger-self. At 11 I was cooking, properly.
I guess I have a hard time >understanding why she's so incapable. This
frustrates me, and I get mad at her. I love her very much, she has a heart
>of gold, and until she came along I didn't think I wanted kids. Now I feel
I'd be lost without her around. She's VERY >intelligent, but I think she
lacks "smarts", if you know what I mean. I think that's what gets me.
i hear what ya mean-i'd been around the world and more by the time i was 11,
and i was just as independent as you by then, and her not even being able to
make ramen noodle or macaroni used to baffle me to no end, too...my
suggestion is to try and stop comparing her to you, and start comparing her
to her-what are her limits, what are her abilities, how independent is she
now compared to a year or so ago? then pick an independence project (believe
it or not, our first project was to get sunshine to memorize our address and
phone number-she sure didn't know the one for her mother's home then) and
start working on it....:) maybe that'll help you feel better 'bout her
safety, it might give her that sense of "hey, i can Do this", and it'll be
fun stuff together...:)
hope this helps (and that it's coherent-i'm first cup of coffee and doped up
on cold meds :( )
Jess