new stepmom needs advice
kim S
I'm a soon to be new stepmom of 2 boys 11&15.
My fiance is a widower of 8 years,and we have been together 3&1/2 years.
Sounds relatively simple under the circumstances, however things have
been tense with the 11 year old for the last year, especially since the
engagement which was recent.
I've been thinking that it will just take time, however I'm afraid it
will take much more than that and I feel frozen, like I don't want to
make the wrong move so I avoid lots issues all together.
To make matters worse there is a caretaker who has raised both of these
children since their mother died. She is NOT helping the situation at
all, infact she is perpetuating it because she obviously feels
threatened. We have repeatedly tried to alleviate her fears, to no
avail. Getting rid of her at this point is not an option as both of us
work, but more importantly we feel the change at this point would be too
traumatic for the boys.
I know I shouldn't take the actions of an eleven year old personally,
but it's hard not to, especially when he is hurtful.
Iknow it is up to me to be the adult here.
My fiance is supportive, but it's hard for him to empathize since the
situation has only served to bring him closer with his youngest, who
used to treat him as the intruderbefore I came along. Now I've got that
title.
Please advise or refer me to any books(many of which I probably already
own)
or articles that might be helpful.
personal experiences are most welcome!
thanks!
kim
Sheri Pointer
twins. There are so many problems with these kids that I also found myself
wondering if maybe I was making the wrong decision. But then I thought
about the fact that it would be my fiance that I would be living with for
the rest of my life, and not the kids, which strengthened my resolve.
I would also be interested in what books that have good information. I read
everything I can get my hands on. That's how I got through a horrible
divorce, so maybe it can help me through this.
Sheri
Vicki Robinson
>I too, am a soon to be stepmom of 1 boy 17 (yikes!) and boy/girl 9 yr old
>twins. There are so many problems with these kids that I also found myself
>wondering if maybe I was making the wrong decision. But then I thought
>about the fact that it would be my fiance that I would be living with for
>the rest of my life, and not the kids, which strengthened my resolve.
>
I'm sorry I don't have any good books to offer you, but I *do* have
a little advice. You *are* living with the kids for the rest of your
life. Of course they won't always be 17 and 9, but they'll be part of
your life for as long as they are their father's progeny, which is
forever.
I am reminded of Kim's quote which I am about to remember only poorly,
but here goes: "Remember that being a step-parent is like being
Vice-President. You are only a heartbeat away from being a full-time
parent to your step-children." Even if you never planned to have
them full-time, and believe that you can stand to have them around for
the limited parenting time your spouse has, the unexpected can and
does happen.
No one should go into a marriage to a person with kids unless they
understand this risk and are *willing* to take the kids on should it
become necessary. I hate to sound like a prophet of doom, and of
course I know nothing about your specific situation, but your last
sentence up there scares me to death.
Vicki
--
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http://www.urbanlegends.com.
SoccerStepMom
>
> I too, am a soon to be stepmom of 1 boy 17 (yikes!) and boy/girl 9 yr old
> twins. There are so many problems with these kids that I also found myself
> wondering if maybe I was making the wrong decision. But then I thought
> about the fact that it would be my fiance that I would be living with for
> the rest of my life, and not the kids, which strengthened my resolve.
>
> everything I can get my hands on. That's how I got through a horrible
> divorce, so maybe it can help me through this.
>
> Sheri
Yikes, I have to jump in here! That logic that it is your fiance you
are marrying and not the kids is the one surefire way I know to set up a
second marriage for failure. If you and he disagree on the role of the
kids in your new family, he will be facing an impossible choice.
If you and your fiance agree on the problems with the kids, and agree on
how you will jointly work to ensure that you do the best possible job
raising them, under the circumstances (I'm assuming they live with their
Mom, which gives your fiance less ability to address the "problems"),
then you have a chance, even if the kids are difficult.
But these kids deserve a stepmom who will love them and do her best for
them. And your fiance deserves a spouse who will partner with him in
handling his responsibility as a parent. Assuming these kids have
visitation, your house will be their house. They need to have rules and
limits, of course, established by their Dad and supported by you. But
they cannot be made to feel as visitors or second-class citizens in
their own home - even their second home.
Particularly the 9 year olds are entering one of the critical periods
where character is developed.
Please, if you are not comfortable that you can be a loving stepmom to
these babies, and a loving partner to your husband in fulfilling his
parental obligation, think twice about going through with the marriage
until you are clear on how you will parent these kids as a couple.
Sorry to be so blunt, but as a stepmom who has been both custodial and
non-custodial, I know that my husband's kids take over a large share of
our lives, and if I didn't view my role as a kind of co-parent to them
and enjoy that responsibility, our life would be full of conflicts.
Good luck to you - SSM
Sheri Pointer
guess I should have known that I need to be extremely specific in everything I
say. I do have every intention of being a loving mom to these children and a
parenting partner to my future husband. And I am very clear that these children
will be around forever.
I merely meant to be empathetic, and to say that I too, at times have human
feelings of inadequacy. And one of the things I tell myself to help me get
through those times, is that I will not be living with all these children on a day
to day basis for the rest of my life. It's a small bit of "ostrich" hiding from
reality. One of those little coping skills that aren't always right, but I'll bet
everybody has at least one.
nancy g.
> Well, I suppose I didn't quite make myself clear. After lurking for so long, I
> guess I should have known that I need to be extremely specific in everything I
> say. I do have every intention of being a loving mom to these children and a
> parenting partner to my future husband. And I am very clear that these children
> will be around forever.
>
> I merely meant to be empathetic, and to say that I too, at times have human
> feelings of inadequacy. And one of the things I tell myself to help me get
> through those times, is that I will not be living with all these children on a day
> to day basis for the rest of my life. It's a small bit of "ostrich" hiding from
> reality. One of those little coping skills that aren't always right, but I'll bet
> everybody has at least one.
Sheri, for what it's worth, although I didn't reply to your post, I think
that's the way I took what you said.
Jeez, I get that way about my *bio* kids sometimes too! Especially when
the 13-year-old has PMS and is (literally) throwing things from her bedroom
down the stairs because (pick one) (a) the part in her hair isn't straight;
(b) her favorite jeans (the ones she wore yesterday, and the day before,
and the day before) are still in the laundry instead of magically having
been washed, dried, folded, and re-inserted into her bureau drawers; or
(c) I had the nerve to have another child five years after she was born,
thereby cursing her with a Little Sister.
My S.O., on the other hand, says he never thinks like this about his kids
because he *knows* they won't ever be gone one day, because his son will
still be trying to pass eighth grade English.
And when I try to get him to admit that no, really, he *does* know that
some day he and I will actually have an entire house all to ourselves, right,
he reminds me that no, of course we won't, because by the time the younger two
have moved out, the older two will be bringing the grandchildren over for us
to babysit.
Sigh. That's usually when I hit him over the head with the nearest
blunt object.
nancy g
but really, I love my kids, really I do, just ask th--- um ... never mind.
SoccerStepMom
describe my stepkids as having "so many problems", so perhaps that's
where I got thrown off. Is that just your way of saying you just don't
know how to relate to them?
I do wish you well, and hope you get to the point where you are very
comfortable with them being home with you. I don't have any great advice
on how to get there, except to want to get to know them, and spend time
focused on them.
SSM
Sheri Pointer wrote:
>
> Well, I suppose I didn't quite make myself clear. After lurking for so long, I
> guess I should have known that I need to be extremely specific in everything I
> say. I do have every intention of being a loving mom to these children and a
> parenting partner to my future husband. And I am very clear that these children
> will be around forever.
>
> I merely meant to be empathetic, and to say that I too, at times have human
> feelings of inadequacy. And one of the things I tell myself to help me get
> through those times, is that I will not be living with all these children on a day
> to day basis for the rest of my life. It's a small bit of "ostrich" hiding from
> reality. One of those little coping skills that aren't always right, but I'll bet
> everybody has at least one.
>
Sheri Pointer
> I hear you, and that's great. I will have to say that I would never
> describe my stepkids as having "so many problems",
Let me clarify....mom's an alcoholic/drug addict, very irresponsible, feeds them when
she feels like it. Leaves them alone a lot. She is bisexual (which in and of itself is
not a problem with me), but they live with her girlfriend and the gf's boyfriend who
doesn't know about the relationship since he works 11-7 PM. The children have walked in
on mom passed out drunk in the living room with panties down around her ankles and a man
just walking out the door. There is no discipline in the home, which causes problems
when they're with us. I think the laundry gets done when I do their clothes.
Unfortunately (in this case), Arizona is a "mom-friendly" state, and it is difficult for
a father to initially get custody. Although the 17 yr old lives with his father,
because mom doesn't want him. (BTW, he's been doing wonderfully) Dad has been building
a "dossier" of information, and hopefully in about 6 months, he will start fighting for
custody. My heart breaks for these children. I spend as much time as I can with them.
Fortunately because she has "better" things to do with her time, we can usually get them
whenever we want unless she feels like using the privelege as a power struggle. For
example, if we say we want the kids for a church function, she'll say no, but if we
leave out the church part, she'll usually say yes. Whenever I'm with them I give them
love, and help with firm guidance. I always give them hugs (well at least Emily ;) you
know how boys are). I always have my eye out for clearance items, and buy them clothes
whenever I buy my own children clothes. I always try to treat them as if they were my
own.
I now feel like I am unable to vent on this newsgroup when I'm having a bad day without
having to go into extreme detail to explain myself.
Vicki Robinson
>
>I now feel like I am unable to vent on this newsgroup when I'm having a bad day without
>having to go into extreme detail to explain myself.
>
Well, it's true that those of us reading your messages know only what
you tell us, and assume that you're including the salient facts. Some
detail is necessary. However, if you're *just* venting and don't want
advice or feedback, it's common here for people to say "I have to
vent, this has been such a bad day .... No advice necessary, thanks
for listening." and you might get more of the response that you're
looking for.
A "support" group is commonly misunderstood (not necessarily by you,
but this is one of my favorite soapboxes and I can't resist) to be a
warm fuzzy place where whatever you do will be accepted
sympathetically. That's not true; in fact, since a support group
usually has lots of folks who are walking in moccasins similar to
yours, judgements and advice might be harsher and more pointed than
from a less experienced audience. The concept of venting is pretty
well-devloped in the various support groups, and clearly labeling it
as a vent or a rant can make a huge difference in how a post is
perceived, and the reception it gets. If you don't want honest feedback,
if you're just blowing off steam (which we all do) then say so.
There's nothing wrong with a well-placed rant, and we all know how it
feels.
Your step-kids' situation sounds intolerable, though; has Child
Protective Services been brought in? Next time biomom's drunk and naked
in the living room, maybe a visit from a social worker would be in
order. Good luck in putting together your case; those kids need help!
janelaw
>
>
> I now feel like I am unable to vent on this newsgroup when I'm having a bad day without
> having to go into extreme detail to explain myself.
>
>
I agree with Vicki. It's fine to vent here. It's good to let
people know that you are just blowing off steam and aren't
looking for advice. I suspect a lot of people write a message
to get everything off their chests then don't even bother to
post it.
I think we sometimes post sanitized versions of our situations
because that is what we feel comfortable with the whole world
seeing. Then, people respond to the Brady Bunch version. Many
of us also tend to fill in the gaps from our own experience.
Without further info, I might assume your kids' "problems" were
with homework, chores, and telling the truth, because that is
what I deal with. Obviously, you are concerned about a whole
different category of step-parenting problems.
I'm sorry if you feel you were forced to divulge more than you
wanted to. I don't think anybody was trying to flame you. It
really is hard to understand where a person is coming from
without the details. BTW, I was pretty appalled by yours. Good
luck.
Jane
Lisa
This sounds just awful. I married into a situation somewhat less
horrible, but still pretty pathological: My SS's mother has two older
children one with a drug problem and one whose promiscuity only stopped
when she became pregnant by a man who had already abandoned two
children, one of whose mothers he is still married to. Baby is 2 months
old now and things don't look good.
My SS has lived with his dad, my DH, since he was two years old. I met
him when he was 6 and we were very close almost immediately. He and my
biodaughter were friends, and that's actually how I met my husband. We
worked to bring our parenting styles close together before we got
married, and that worked pretty well. It was rough when DH and SS first
moved in the day of the wedding. But this is a good deal. I am very
happy.
BUT: If I had known at first what I know now, about how my son's mother
and *especially her parenting choices* would influence my life and my
daughter's life, I wouldn't have done it. It has been good for both
biodaughter and SS to have two parents here --I was able because of the
marriage to be a stay-at-home parent to both of them when they really
needed it. But there's a LOT of pathology at my SS's mom's house, and
it spills over into ours too much.
If I could look back and plan differently, I think I would protect my
daughter from that by staying single. I'm not sure, because I REALLY
LOVE my DH and my SS. And DH is a wonderful step-father to BD. Also,
we were pretty besotted. But this is hindsight, and I'm assuming that I
could project my present knowledge back and not get so involved. I feel
that it was irresponsible of me to get her so close to that mess. It
affects us whenever BM switches boyfriends, or has one boyfriend move in
before the other one is gone yet. SS gets miserable, we get miserable,
BD hers all about it because she's the "little pitcher" champion of the
world. And all that turmoil --even though he doesn't see his mother
that often, especially when she's getting involved with a new guy -- has
made my SS a seriously troubled, mean, angry kid.
I wonder whether anyone else ever feels this way?
Anyway, Shari, you might want to think about whether you really want
this life for yourself.
Oh no --I forget; I thought you weren't married yet but your earlier
post is gone. I hope I'm not way out of line here.
In either case, good luck!
Lisa
Sheri Pointer
Sheri
Daryl & Tina Williams
I feel the same way you do. My SS lives with his mother 4 hours away. My
DH told me that he gets to see his son whenever he wanted and they have a
good working relationship regarding the son. However, when we got married,
all h*ll broke lose. She denies him visitation. She calls my house in the
middle of the night and cusses me out for nothing. (She's never even met
me.) My mother-in-law still invites her to family events, even though she
left my husband to marry someone else and they now have 2 other kids.
Therefore, since I don't want my kids around her, my kids and I stay home
while he spends holidays with his family and his ex and her family. If I
would have known it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have married him
either. I love him very much. He's taken my kids in as his own since their
father hasn't seen them in 6 years. But, I do not feel my children and I
should be treated like this. By the way, my husband won't stand up to his
mother or his ex in my defense.
Best of luck.
Tina
Mom of Cameron (7/90), Caleb (7/91), Bailey (11/97), stepmom of Daryl Jr
(5/91)
Lisa wrote in message <3612E6...@NOSPAMncal.net>...
techchik
one. I was in a bad relationship several years ago (alcoholic and
abusive), and the only reason I stayed in it so long was because I
really loved his kids. It was so hard to leave knowing that I would
never be allowed to see them again - I was just the "girlfriend". I
swore I would never date another man with kids.
Then I met my husband and that whole idea was shot to hell. I love
him so much, but was really unsure about taking on that kind of
responsibility - he and I discussed it a length before hand. I really
didn't know the kids well because BM had gone so ballistic and gone to
great lengths to keep the kids from forming any kind of a relationship
with me.
I finally decided that *he* was worth it - I had found the man of my
dreams, been looking for him for years - I was not letting him get
away. I had to accept his kids if I was to love him. As a result,
our love for each other has creeped into the kids lives. They see how
we act towards each other and their behavior around us has changed,
which has made it much easier for my love for them to grow. Yes, the
kids will not be living in your home for the rest of your life - but
once you're married, custody or not, you have kids. And they really
have a way of working their way into your heart.
My advice would be to make sure they understand that they will be part
of your family - you are not just marrying your fiance. We had the
children *in* the ceremony. What I mean is, they were not just
members of the bridal party. After my husband and I said vows, we
turned to the kids and said vows to them. I promised my them that I
would always include them in the love I share with their father, and
that I would be proud to call them my family. This really socked my
SD (6) between the eyes. Her attitude towards me has been different
ever since - she began calling me step-mom at the reception, and then
decided on Linda-mom. (Makes BM burst a blood vessel every time she
hears it)
Surround your step kids with the love you have for their father - it
will be contageous. Also remember that teenagers really are from
another planet - God willing, they'll eventually learn to becom human.
Most do, don't take it personally - it's not you, it's hormones.
On Mon, 28 Sep 1998 07:47:44 -0700, Sheri Pointer
<spoi...@pop.phnx.uswest.net> wrote:
>I too, am a soon to be stepmom of 1 boy 17 (yikes!) and boy/girl 9 yr old
>twins. There are so many problems with these kids that I also found myself
>wondering if maybe I was making the wrong decision. But then I thought
>about the fact that it would be my fiance that I would be living with for
>the rest of my life, and not the kids, which strengthened my resolve.
>
>I would also be interested in what books that have good information. I read
>everything I can get my hands on. That's how I got through a horrible
>divorce, so maybe it can help me through this.
>
>Sheri
>
Sheri Pointer
Sheri
techchik wrote:
*snip*
msmith
Just blow off posts that aren't helpful. As another poster said state
what you want in terms of replys. If replys are off mark hit the button
Sheri asta la vista.
best for now,
Michael Smith