Parents of a Step-Parent
pop-pop
I really wanted to go, I love my dad and just recently have reconciled a nearly one year long disagreement with my brother. This get-together has been a tradition with us for several years now and to miss it saddens me.
None of us are getting any younger, dad is 70, I'm 47 and in poor health, nothing is secure. I raised Jennifer and her younger brother since they were 9 and 7 respectively. To me, Jen IS my daughter. We were very close growing up and I don't have any natural kids of my own. Her boys only know me as pop-pop and I now am getting an understanding of unconditional love. I like it. I just don't know what to do about my father's outlook about my "kids" and my grand kids. I am very protective and defensive about them and my relationship with them. Am I wrong? Should I forgive and forget so the relationship with my dad and I isn't ruined? What if he dies before we can reconcile? What if I die before we can reconcile? Any related and helpfull thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
Vicki Robinson
>Yesterday my father called to arrange our annual family birthday
>get-together for this coming Sunday. He listed all that would be
>attending, my brother, his wife, and his words, "their son and
>daughter". I spoke up and said, "how about Jen and her boys (my
>step-daughter and her kids)". At first dad said, I'm paying and really
>don't want to spend that kind of money. I told him I'd pay for Jen and
>the boys (my beautiful sweet 2 1/2 yr old grandsons). Dad then said he
>just wanted the immediate family. I told him this is my immediate
>family, it's my daughter and her kids. I insisted that there was no
>difference between me bringing Jen and my brother bringing his kids. Dad
>disagreed and my blood boiled. I have always in a way feared my dad and
>not been confrontational with him due to this fact. On this topic
>however I confronted him. I told him that if my daughter wasn't welcome,
>neither was I. My wife, Jen's biological mother has already told me
>regardless of whether or not dad changes his mind, she won't be going
>and made me promise not to even tell Jen about the whole thing.
Your dad feels that blood makes a difference, you do not. He's got a
right to those feelings, as much as you may disagree with them.
However, your responsibility is to *your* family, your wife and
children, not to your dad.
I would tell him without anger, but with sorrow, exactly that. You're
sorry to miss the event, but that your first priority is *your*
family, and you hope he'll understand that they are your choice. I
don't see that this has to be an ongoing battle. Just make your
choice, explain it without heat, and stick to it.
Stay in touch with him, stay in touch with your brother, call them up
once in a while, ask them over for dinner, whatever you feel
comfortable with, but don't go there for an extended-family gathering
unless your family is invited too.
Do you think that this is something personal, that there is something
that your Dad doesn't like about your wife or your kids? Or is this
simply a definition of "family" that only includes blood relations and
their spouses?
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton
Melissa
>Your dad feels that blood makes a difference, you do not. He's got a
>right to those feelings, as much as you may disagree with them.
>However, your responsibility is to *your* family, your wife and
>children, not to your dad.
>
>I would tell him without anger, but with sorrow, exactly that. You're
>sorry to miss the event, but that your first priority is *your*
>family, and you hope he'll understand that they are your choice. I
>don't see that this has to be an ongoing battle. Just make your
>choice, explain it without heat, and stick to it.
>
>Stay in touch with him, stay in touch with your brother, call them up
>once in a while, ask them over for dinner, whatever you feel
>comfortable with, but don't go there for an extended-family gathering
>unless your family is invited too.
>
>Do you think that this is something personal, that there is something
>that your Dad doesn't like about your wife or your kids? Or is this
>simply a definition of "family" that only includes blood relations and
>their spouses?
>
>Vicki
My Stepfather's family was like this about my mother and her kids. It was
pretty disheartening for him and my mother. It's also something that they were
never able to get past. My stepfather rarely sees hims family during the
holidays anymore. He has lunch with his parents once a week (my mother isn't
invited) and otherwise lives a seperate existance. I don't think my
stepbrother has seen them in years, though there are other issue there.
You can't stop people from acting this way. All that you can do is remove
yourself and your family from it.
Love,
Melissa
"The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!"
-Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye
Deborah M Riel
pop-pop <jwa...@nospam.triad.rr.com> wrote:
>None of us are getting any younger, dad is 70, I'm 47 and in poor
>health, nothing is secure. I raised Jennifer and her younger brother
>since they were 9 and 7 respectively. To me, Jen IS my daughter. We were
>very close growing up and I don't have any natural kids of my own. Her
>boys only know me as pop-pop and I now am getting an understanding of
>unconditional love. I like it. I just don't know what to do about my
>father's outlook about my "kids" and my grand kids. I am very protective
>and defensive about them and my relationship with them. Am I wrong?
>Should I forgive and forget so the relationship with my dad and I isn't
>ruined? What if he dies before we can reconcile? What if I die before we
>can reconcile? Any related and helpfull thoughts will be appreciated.
>Thanks.
>
Just a couple of questions--can you host the party so you can control
the guest list? Maybe your father seeing a comfortable family
relationship with your SD and your grandchildren on your home turf
would help him deal with his feelings. If that's not possible, would your
wife be understanding if you went without her? If she isn't
supportive of you going alone, can you bow out graciously and
neutrally?
I think it's sad that your father is so stubborn on this issue,
especially since it's clearly not the money. Has he always felt this
way towards your SKs? You and your wife have been together
for a long time, have you had these problems with your father before?
On the other hand, your father is your family too, and it seems important
to you that you maintain a relationship with him. You probably will not
be able to change your father's feelings about who is a "real" family
member and who is not, but maybe you can get him into a situation
where it isn't so important to him, and he can forget about those
distinctions for awhile (i.e. your home turf).
I hope you can resolve this without lasting hurt on any side of the
family. You're right, time is can be shorter than any of us expect,
and you can't make it right when someone's gone.
Deb R.
pop-pop
Kathy Cole
<jwa...@nospam.triad.rr.com> wrote:
> Yesterday my father called to arrange our annual family birthday
> get-together for this coming Sunday. He listed all that would be
> attending, my brother, his wife, and his words, "their son and
> daughter". I spoke up and said, "how about Jen and her boys (my
> step-daughter and her kids)".
Even though it's your dad, I'd do him the courtesy of letting him set
the guest list for the party he wants to have, and you can accept or
decline accordingly. I'd be somewhat reluctant to cut ties with him
over one party.
Lori
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
news:20040219110856...@mb-m20.aol.com...
Don't have a heart attack or naything, Melissa, but I agree with you here.
This is one thing I'm so glad I never had to deal with. As far as my mom
was concerned, SS was as much her grandchild as any of her other
grandchildren, and was *never* treated differently. We had his birthday
parties at her house, just as all the other grandkids did. He loved her, and
just recently told me he missed grandma (she died in august 2002).
Lori
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Melissa
Well it had to happen at some point I guess. :)
Lori
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
> >Don't have a heart attack or naything, Melissa, but I agree with you
here.
>
> Well it had to happen at some point I guess. :)
LOL! Well, I do believe strongly that when a person marries and has a
family of his/her own, they *must* come first. Even if they don't have
kids, one's *spouse* must come first. And BTW, my view on this comes
straight from the Bible (LOL, told you, pretty much every view I have is
from a Biblical perspective). Know how I found out that my husband had come
to believe the same way? His mother told him that her feelings should come
first since she was his mother. he told her she was wrong, and to think
hard about it before she ever asked him to choose her feelings over mine.
Melissa
>family of his/her own, they *must* come first.
It's simpler for me. Life is to short to deal with jerks, even family.
>Know how I found out that my husband had come
>to believe the same way? His mother told him that her feelings should come
>first since she was his mother. he told her she was wrong, and to think
>hard about it before she ever asked him to choose her feelings over mine.
>Lori
>
I've never really had to choose between SO and my parents, and I can't picture
it coming up. My Mom can get miffed over the holidays when SO doesn't visit
every second cousin in our family with us, but not miffed enough to stay mad
about it. SO's and his family don't like me, but then he doesn't really get
along with them either so we just don't see them much,
pop-pop
jane
>I hate being in the middle of two people that affect my life so dramatically;
>however, who seem to be completely unmotivated to have any type of personal
>relationship with one another. I don't want to have to choose between them.
>It's not fair to me
Now, I'm confused. I was formulating my response to the "my family doesn't
accept my stepkids" issue, and now we seem to have shifted to the "dissent
among family members" issue.
On the latter...your daughter and your father are grownups. You don't have to
get involved in this. Let them work it out. Don't butt into their
relationship. Don't feel that you have to take sides. Going to your father's
birthday party if he's not inviting your daughter is not betraying her. If I
ever hit 70, I'm going to invite whomever I'm in the mood to party with
regardless of their relation to anyone else.
Regarding stepkids as grandkids, I don't see what everyone is getting upset
about. You married their mother. Your father didn't make that choice. He
didn't just love them so much he had to make them part of his family. You
don't have to take this as denigrating your parenting efforts or your
relationship choices. You don't have to consider it a slap in your face or
your daughter's.
jane
Deborah M Riel
jane <janel...@aol.com> wrote:
>On the latter...your daughter and your father are grownups. You don't have to
>get involved in this. Let them work it out. Don't butt into their
>relationship. Don't feel that you have to take sides. Going to your father's
>birthday party if he's not inviting your daughter is not betraying her. If I
>ever hit 70, I'm going to invite whomever I'm in the mood to party with
>regardless of their relation to anyone else.
My feelings are mixed. On one hand, you're entirely right about the
grownups having their own relationships. But on the other hand, this
man (the OP) is looking for his father to accept *his* family the same
way he accepts his sister's family. He wants to see that his wife
isn't hurt, he wants to maintain this kind of fragile balance of
relationships that now exists without alienating anyone in the
process. I can understand wanting all this. Maybe there are ways to
keep this kind of balance without taking sides. Maybe it's time for a
different way of celebrating the family birthday get-together. He
could take the reigns on that and invite everyone, then they could
accept or decline as they see fit. When I suspect that there might be
that kind of problem in my own family (my younger brother doesn't get
along with my SO's sons, and vice versa), I invite them all and don't
worry about why any of them might bow out. I let it be their problem.
Deb R.
jane
>man (the OP) is looking for his father to accept *his* family the same
>way he accepts his sister's family.
Right. That's what he has to let go of. They do or they don't; he can't make
them.
>He wants to see that his wife
>isn't hurt, he wants to maintain this kind of fragile balance of
>relationships that now exists without alienating anyone in the
>process. I can understand wanting all this. Maybe there are ways to
>keep this kind of balance without taking sides.
Wanting it I can see. Assuming the responsibility for it is just nuts. OP is
my age, our age. He's got to know that relationships hurt. He cannot prevent
his wife or his father or his daughter from being hurt in their relationships.
It's uncomfortable to see conflict between people you love. But you have to
work it out in your relationships and they have to work it out in theirs.
jane
>
>Deb R.
Deborah M Riel
jane <janel...@aol.com> wrote:
>Right. That's what he has to let go of. They do or they don't; he can't make
>them.
Agreed.
>Wanting it I can see. Assuming the responsibility for it is just nuts. OP is
>my age, our age. He's got to know that relationships hurt. He cannot prevent
>his wife or his father or his daughter from being hurt in their relationships.
>It's uncomfortable to see conflict between people you love. But you have to
>work it out in your relationships and they have to work it out in theirs.
I think I'm seeing this from a slightly different angle from you. I
see taking the reigns and trying a different approach (particularly
hosting the party himself on his own home turf) as empowering. Sure,
it's taking some responsibility, but not for the relationships. By
being able to invite everyone and allowing them to decide whether or
not to come, he no longer has responsibility for keeping the
balance--he's thrown it back in their court. He now has
responsibility only for hosting the event, and they have to do the
dirty work of the relationships themselves. He no longer has to think
about whether his wife will be mad, or his father will approve, or his
daughter will be invited, or he'll be able to keep talking to his
brother. He can adopt the stance of "everyone's welcome, you decide
if you'd like to be there."
That all assumes he doesn't get involved with trying to convince
someone to come who says they don't want to, or trying to fend off
someone who wants to strike another family member from the guest list.
As long as he has the power of being the host, and keeps a neutral
stance, the resulting relationships are their business and problem.
Deb R.
>jane
>>
>>Deb R.
jane
>see taking the reigns and trying a different approach (particularly
>hosting the party himself on his own home turf) as empowering.
Right. Right. I see what you're saying. I could see hosting it working out
sometimes. Not for this, because his father has already invited people.
jane
The Watsons
"Lori" <real...@bigfoot.com> wrote in message
news:GugZb.836$dU3...@fe01.usenetserver.com...
>We had his birthday
> parties at her house, just as all the other grandkids did. He loved her,
and
> just recently told me he missed grandma (she died in august 2002).
> Lori
*warm 'n fuzzy thoughts* :(
Jess
The Watsons
> LOL! Well, I do believe strongly that when a person marries and has a
> family of his/her own, they *must* come first. Even if they don't have
> kids, one's *spouse* must come first.
*nods* :)
Jess
The Watsons
"pop-pop" <jwa...@nospam.triad.rr.com> wrote in message
news:0ce51512b16862c3...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> Yesterday my father called to arrange our annual family birthday
get-together for this coming Sunday. He listed all >that would be attending,
my brother, his wife, and his words, "their son and daughter". I spoke up
and said, "how >about Jen and her boys (my step-daughter and her kids)". At
first dad said, I'm paying and really don't want to spend >that kind of
money. I told him I'd pay for Jen and the boys (my beautiful sweet 2 1/2 yr
old grandsons). Dad then said >he just wanted the immediate family. I told
him this is my immediate family, it's my daughter and her kids. I insisted
>that there was no difference between me bringing Jen and my brother
bringing his kids. Dad disagreed and my blood >boiled. I have always in a
way feared my dad and not been confrontational with him due to this fact. On
this topic >however I confronted him. I told him that if my daughter wasn't
welcome, neither was I. My wife, Jen's biological >mother has already told
me regardless of whether or not dad changes his mind, she won't be going and
made me >promise not to even tell Jen about the whole thing.
see, i'd be taking this as a deliberate exclusion of my spouse, and if my
spouse was being deliberately excluded, it'd be a cold day in hell before i
showed up and even gave the appearance of allowing that kind of exclusion...
> I really wanted to go, I love my dad and just recently have reconciled a
nearly one year long disagreement with my >brother. This get-together has
been a tradition with us for several years now and to miss it saddens me.
can you send a card and a present, and maybe stop over to see your brother
at another time?
> None of us are getting any younger, dad is 70, I'm 47 and in poor health,
nothing is secure. I raised Jennifer and her >younger brother since they
were 9 and 7 respectively. To me, Jen IS my daughter. We were very close
growing up and >I don't have any natural kids of my own. Her boys only know
me as pop-pop and I now am getting an understanding >of unconditional love.
I like it. I just don't know what to do about my father's outlook about my
"kids" and my grand >kids. I am very protective and defensive about them and
my relationship with them. Am I wrong? Should I forgive >and forget so the
relationship with my dad and I isn't ruined? What if he dies before we can
reconcile? What if I die >before we can reconcile? Any related and helpfull
thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
i don't think you're wrong, and i can understand (to an extent) your
father's view too....i think maybe a quiet conversation one day of "why
don't you considerthe relationship with my wife and our kids valid?" might
be helpful...
past that, i think the relationship between your dad and your wife is up to
them, but you can support the both of them...i agree with someone's idea
(deb's?) of hosting a family get together yourself, and letting everyone
handle it that way...:)
Jess
The Watsons
> Thanks Vicki. It may be personal. Jen is not the most outgoing of
individuals and I know that year before last at >Thanksgiving dad came over
to her house with us and later he told me that he had not felt welcome by
Jen. Jen and I >had had a minor argument just before he arrived and I think
that was what was going on with her at the time. I >explained that to him
but I don't think he believed me. Since that time, each family get-together
we've had I just told >Jen and if she could she would come. Dad has
maintained that he doesn't think that Jen likes being around him.
have you tried my patented rude 'n tactless approach of asking if maybe it's
not the other way around, since you've already explained what happened, or
maybe asked Jen if there's some truth to it? ;)
> I'm honestly not sure. I hate being in the middle of two people that
affect my life so dramatically; however, who >seem to be completely
unmotivated to have any type of personal relationship with one another. I
don't want to have to >choose between them. It's not fair to me. I just wish
dad could see that. As far as Jen is concerned, she'll go to any of >the
functions she's invited to, and outwardly welcomes my dad. This Christmas
she bent over backwards when we all >got together at my house. She hugged
him and was pleasantly attentive to him. I thought things would be better
after >that but it doesn't seem so.
i think a personal relationship is optional, courtesy is not....you can't
force the relationship, but you can request the courtesy, and i think your
dad would understand that....:) is it possible to invite your dad over for
dinner or something every so often, and put him in more contact with Jen? it
sounds like he's only had the couple of experiences with her, and if the
first wasn't so positive, it's going to take time to erase that
perception....
Jess
Lori
"The Watsons" <warped...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:MaLZb.7827$CQ6.6209@fed1read05...
Same here.
Lori
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