Meeting son's step-mum
Nicol
for the perspective of step-parents rather than the other variety of parents
(I'm already the other variety...so getting more of the same wouldn't be
helpful).
Background.....My son's step-mom has been in his life for the past 4
years...for the first two as my ex's live-in gf, and the last two as his
wife. Not that that really matters. Anyway, she and I have never met, have
only spoken on the phone briefly three times (two of those very neutral and
agreeable...the other I'm sure left both of us very steamed), and have a
*very* cold relationship anyway. Oddly enough, my ex and I are good terms,
despite some extremely rough circumstances...some of them occurring
recently.
Anyway, I am hoping that she and I will finally meet soon...something I've
been trying to get done for at least 3 1/2 years now. She is still
resisting it, but their counselor is encouraging it and so is my ex
(finally!). Had this meeting taken place a while back, I think I would have
known what to say. I wanted to talk to her about the kidlet, mainly. What
things he really enjoyed doing, where he was at developmentally (he was 2 at
that time) and so forth...and to tell her that she was a very lucky woman to
have the kidlet in her life. But. Now it is 4 years later, things have
gone extremely roughly between her and my son, and she is convinced I am the
cause for all of her problems.
What I am hoping for with meeting her is to somehow assure her that I am not
a threat to her, and to brainstorm on ideas of how to improve her and my
son's relationship. I hate seeing my son reluctant to go with his father
because he might see her. I want him to be happy there. But, I am clueless
about how to approach it with her based on the silent war we seem to have
been having with each other and her evident resentment towards me.
I believe that the vast majority of our problems with each other are
misunderstandings, not knowing the whole truth, and not knowing even basic
truths about each other to be able to put each other's actions or words in
any kind of perspective...if that makes any sense.
So, I guess what I'm trying to ask here is how, if this was your situation,
you were her...how would you like to be approached after all this time? I
know that is a rather obscure question...but I desperately need to see
things from her perspective (or, I guess in the case of asking a newsgroup,
a similar perspective) in order to be sensitive to her feelings and to try
to get things worked out for my son. I know that if I don't handle it
delicately, things will get worse.
Any replies would be appreciated,
Nicol
janelaw
>
> snip
>
> Background.....My son's step-mom has been in his life for the past 4
> years...for the first two as my ex's live-in gf, and the last two as his
> wife. Not that that really matters. Anyway, she and I have never met, have
> only spoken on the phone briefly three times (two of those very neutral and
> agreeable...the other I'm sure left both of us very steamed), and have a
> *very* cold relationship anyway. Oddly enough, my ex and I are good terms,
> despite some extremely rough circumstances...some of them occurring
> recently.
>
> Anyway, I am hoping that she and I will finally meet soon...something I've
> been trying to get done for at least 3 1/2 years now. She is still
> resisting it, but their counselor is encouraging it and so is my ex
> (finally!). Had this meeting taken place a while back, I think I would have
> known what to say. I wanted to talk to her about the kidlet, mainly. What
> things he really enjoyed doing, where he was at developmentally (he was 2 at
> that time) and so forth...and to tell her that she was a very lucky woman to
> have the kidlet in her life.
This last is going to get you in trouble.
But. Now it is 4 years later, things have
> gone extremely roughly between her and my son, and she is convinced I am the
> cause for all of her problems.
>
> What I am hoping for with meeting her is to somehow assure her that I am not
> a threat to her, and to brainstorm on ideas of how to improve her and my
> son's relationship. I hate seeing my son reluctant to go with his father
> because he might see her. I want him to be happy there. But, I am clueless
> about how to approach it with her based on the silent war we seem to have
> been having with each other and her evident resentment towards me.
>
> I believe that the vast majority of our problems with each other are
> misunderstandings, not knowing the whole truth, and not knowing even basic
> truths about each other to be able to put each other's actions or words in
> any kind of perspective...if that makes any sense.
>
> So, I guess what I'm trying to ask here is how, if this was your situation,
> you were her...how would you like to be approached after all this time?
> snip
>
> Nicol
If you really want things to go well, spend a little time
thinking about what you have to thank her for. Add up all the
cooking, laundry, driving, cleaning, comforting, disciplining,
and other work that she has expended on behalf of your son.
Then try to remember every time you felt challenged in parenting
your son. Dredge up all the bedwetting, tantrums, whining,
spilling, biting, embarrassing remarks, refusal to eat
vegetables, and anything else that taxed your skill and
patience. Then consider how you feel about other people's
children; do they ever seem less perfect than your own? Then
remember everything that your ex did that drove you crazy. Then
review all the negative things that have gone on between your
son and her. At this point you should see that she might have a
different perspective on how lucky she is to be SM to your son.
I am not sure why you want this meeting now (I completely agree
that it should have happened years ago). If you just want to
solve HER problem, you are not going to get far. I get the
feeling that you are planning to talk things over and get her to
change the way she does things. I guarantee she wants you to
change what you are doing, too. Before you go giving her
constructive criticism of her parenting, you have to be ready to
hear her commentary on yours. This is a tricky area among the
best of friends. Your cold war could go nuclear.
My advice is to go slowly. Just have dinner. Pretend that she
is your college roommate's sister, or some other stranger that
you want to like. Do not go out of your way to look your best;
it just sets up a competitive atmosphere that you want to
avoid. Talk about music, movies, or books. Draw her out and
learn what she is interested in. Stay away from dangerous
topics, like your son, your ex, and child support. You can't
brainstorm with the enemy. If you have to get into it, focus
your conversation on what YOU can do to help her. If one word
of criticism passes your lips, you don't have a prayer of
establishing a working relationship with this woman.
Good luck. I love my ex's SO and hate my husband's ex. I can't
tell you how much easier it is when you get along.
jac...@myriad.net
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
> My advice is to go slowly. Just have dinner. Pretend that she
> is your college roommate's sister, or some other stranger that
> you want to like. Do not go out of your way to look your best;
> it just sets up a competitive atmosphere that you want to
> avoid. Talk about music, movies, or books. Draw her out and
> learn what she is interested in. Stay away from dangerous
> topics, like your son, your ex, and child support. You can't
> brainstorm with the enemy. If you have to get into it, focus
> your conversation on what YOU can do to help her. If one word
> of criticism passes your lips, you don't have a prayer of
> establishing a working relationship with this woman.
Amen to all of the above! As a stepmother, I can attest to approaching this
woman from the angle of who she is outside her relationship to your ex and
your child. Learn more about her, it might go a long way toward
understanding why she does some of the things she does. Keep completely out
of her relationship with your son, that's something that they need to figure
out on their own, together.
I met DH's ex about a month after I started dating him. She appeared
intimidated from the start, mostly because I had a high-powered job, and she
was unemployed and living with her sister. It would have served no good
purpose to discuss parenting issues, I wouldn't have listened (after all, I
was one of 9 children, nannied for 3 years, blah blah blah), and to be honest
would have resented someone else trying to dictate my relationship with their
child. I believe that that's a relationship that has to be established and
maintained on its own terms, not on terms dictated by someone else. Within
reason of course...
Anyway, I would go into the initial meeting assuming that she has your
child's best interests at heart, and with the goal of just learning more
about her. There's plenty of time for the rest of it.
>
> Good luck. I love my ex's SO and hate my husband's ex. I can't
> tell you how much easier it is when you get along.
>
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Andrew&Posey
>to tell her that she was a very lucky woman to
>have the kidlet in her life.
Yeah, as was mentioned... as a step-mum (well, legally in 74 days!) to my
fiancé's 6 and 4 1/2 y.o. daugthers, I really take issue to how you're
expressing yourself here. The time to do this was as the developements were
happening, not now in retrospect - help me out, all you other parents - do
you really sit around talking about what your children did at such & such a
stage?
Have you ever stopped to think how lucky your "kidlet" is, and you are, too,
that the father of your children has a partner who has obviously invested so
much of herself into creating a relationship with the child? Being a parent
is a thankless job - but being a SP is even MORE thankless!
>But. Now it is 4 years later, things have
>gone extremely roughly between her and my son, and she is >convinced I am
the
>cause for all of her problems.
I'm sorry, I don't want to pick on you, but I think you're probably making
some assumptions here. What problems are they having? Perhaps you *are*
the cause of some of them - even if you don't mean to be! For example, is
your son having loyalty issues? Is he using the "you're not my mum, so I
don't have to *whatever* if I don't want to..." line?
>What I am hoping for with meeting her is to somehow assure her that I am
not
>a threat to her, and to brainstorm on ideas of how to improve her and my
>son's relationship.
Honestly, I respect your desire, and believe it's genuine, but I can NOT
imagine that anything productive would come out of a one-on-one just yet.
Keep some distance and try some more phone calls. The mother of my SDs and
I are only JUST starting to be able to actually talk on the phone (she was
the one who wouldn't talk to me!) after having met 15 months ago, and you
just can't rush it. Perhaps a letter would be good, too? Is her birthday
coming soon? A birthday card from you and your son might be nice...
> I hate seeing my son reluctant to go with his father
>because he might see her.
Have you tried asking your son what the problems are from his perspective?
>I want him to be happy there. But, I am clueless
>about how to approach it with her based on the silent war we seem to have
>been having with each other and her evident resentment towards me.
This silent war bit, I understand, and it's SO silly!!! The bio-mother in my
life is not the sort of person that I would ever have ANY sort of contact
with whatsoever, so it's hard for me to know how to approach her. She is
the absolute antithesis of me, and refused to treat me like a human being
until only recently. I'm sorry, but she's going to have to do a hell of a
lot more than just be willing to talk to me on the phone to earn my respect
and trust. 'Cos that's an important part, isn't it?
>I believe that the vast majority of our problems with each other are
>misunderstandings, not knowing the whole truth, and not knowing even basic
>truths about each other to be able to put each other's actions or words in
>any kind of perspective...if that makes any sense.
What truths would you like to know? Again, being on the other side of the
fence, I can't imagine ever wanting to ask my BM "so, how did you feel when
you were lying to Andrew about being on the Pill so that you would get
pregnant again and be sure that he'd stay with you?" (side note - Andrew
never knew this - his MOTHER told me that the BM had expressed this to her)
There's getting to know each other, and then there's getting to know each
other.
>I know that if I don't handle it
>delicately, things will get worse.
NOTH! 4 years is a long time to build up a BAD relationship. Don't expect
it all to dissipate over a cup of coffee. But then again, you love your son,
and she loves your ex and your son, so none of you are going anywhere! This
was the approach I took with the girls' mother.
Hope that this doesn't seem to... Evil StepMother-ish or critical. Like I
said, you do seem to want to make the effort, and probably, she does, too.
Maybe you could think about how you would like HER to approach you? And
whatever you do, keep your son's father out of it.
feel free to write to me for clarity or more opinions =)
Posey
p.s. or could I just swap you for "my" biomother? Leave those two to be
silent & angry, and we could have a nice meal!
Andrew&Posey
Posey