VENT: I want to choke the s*** out of SD
april...@my-deja.com
she got up this morning(dont know why, I tried to joke around with her,
spend extra time with her, etc, but it was met with a puckered-up face
and glaring-the girl can turn her face into stone, I swear). The kids
only had a half day, so I took them with me to the mall, as I had to
pick up a birthday present for my mom, and thought they could help me
pick out X-mas presents for their cousins. Well, SD didnt want to go,
wanted to stay home with her friends instead, so the ride there she
refused to talk, kept gagging in attempts to make herself vomit(I told
her if she did, she'd be cleaning it up by herself), she walked behind
SS and I, in the mall, with her head down and feet dragging like some
abused orphan. Every store we went into, she kept touching things,
picking up stuff, playing with things, etc....and wouldnt stay near me.
The first store she knocked some figurines over, luckily they didnt
break. I told her to keep her hands to herself, that I cant afford to
be paying for things because she cant listen to directions(and if I did
have to pay for something she broke, it would then come out of her
savings, plus interest). She put on her little miss pathetic face and
started to sniffle, so of course everyone around her acted like I was
some mean ogre...I hauled her out of the store, and told her if she
didnt start listening to me and get an attitude adjustment, she would
get the worst spanking of her entire life when we got home. 5 more
stores, and each time the same things happened....she'd wander off,
touch things, etc....knocked decorations, candles, etc down.....so I
got pissed, grabbed her by the arm, and we left. Out in the parking
lot, I asked her why she insisted on defying me...she refused to
answer...so I asked her how many times I told her to not touch
things....after about 3 minutes, she says "not that many" in this whiny
little baby voice. I coulda slapped her right there. Finally, I told
her two can play her little game. I told her for an indefinite amount
of time, I will completely ignore her, that I will act like she doesnt
exist...if she asks for help, or needs something, I wont do it. If she
asks a question, I wont answer, just like she does to me....guess we'll
see how she likes being treated that way. I think this will affect her
more strongly than anything else, as she has an intense need for the
spotlight, and cant STAND to be ignored. Do you think I am being
unreasonable or childish? What would you have done differently?
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Someone
friend's house or something.
As long as you didn't ignore her in the stores with breakables, I don't see
why it would be a problem to give her a taste of her own medicine.
However, next time it would probably be a much better idea to eliminate her
from the equation completely when this happens. Tell her to stop or you're
going home. If/When she doesn't stop, pick up your things and leave. Go
back to the mall another day when you can go alone.
Teens are so much fun, aren't they?
april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <8219op$ud7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
: I very much dislike my SD today. She's had an attitude from the minute
:
Chica650
crazy today. It must be the weather. Hang in there. It's got to get
better! (Considering that sometimes I feel it couldn't POSSIBLY get any
worse with him :) )
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Shanna & Pete
spanking in her life'?! Why would you want to slap her right there either?
I don't know but, it sounds like you have a lot of anger or frustration
directed towards SD and need to work things out. Is SD going through
anything in her life right now? I don't remember the history re: bm. Doing
what she does only brings you down to her level. Talk to her about this.
Maybe there's something you could do differently? Do you have a good
relationship with SD? Does she open up and confide in you?
Merrie
She's making sure you know she has a problem. Unfortunately she's 8
years old and isn't likely able to articulate it.
If it were simply that she wanted to stay home with friends, then that
would have been easy to deal with. (Provided you aren't a parent that just
completely dismisses a child's feelings.) If that's all she wanted, that
could have easily been accommodated. However, you said she woke up this
way...
If it were me, I would have tried to discover the source of the attitude
before taking them out in public.
Merrie
<april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:8219op$ud7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
Anne Robotti
on your case for wanting to smack a child that's not even yours
has no kids. I sometimes want to smack my *own* kids, and we all
know how I feel about smacking! Wanting to smack a child who you
don't particularly like but who are thrust into constant contact
with all the time seems pretty par for the course to me. I could
have beat my SD three times a day in the early years if I had
allowed myself to do it. I even did have DH spank her a few times
in the very, very beginning. He spanked her a lot, and in the first
few months it seemed like nothing else got through. Then I learned
to parent *her* a little more effectively and we got more used to
each other so I knew ways of dealing with her that would curb her
behavior better. Some kids I know I'd STILL like to smack.
Anne
Anne
april...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> For the record, you do not have to live with this child, so you have no
> idea what she is really like. I do not condone hitting, and it's not
> something i do...however, at the time I felt as though I could have
> done it....and I dont think "threatening" her is going to screw her up
> for life.... it certainly straightened up her act a little, at least
> enough to get out of the store with us all in once piece. This kid is
> forever going thru "things" in regards to her mother(btw-she was only 1
> when her parents got divorced, she has never known life with her mom,
> so that excuse is getting just a bit old), if it werent for her
> wonderful bitch of a mother, we wouldnt have the problems we do.
> Normally we have a decent relationship, I am basically the only mother
> figure she has, and considering her real mom wants nothing to do with
> her unless it benefits her, and her dad is never home, I think I have
> every right to get upset and vent from time to time...just because I
> say things doesnt mean I'm going to do them....and wouldnt you RATHER I
> take out my frustrations here than on the kid?
>
> In article <3844453B...@telus.net>,
> sha...@telus.net wrote:
> > I'm sorry but why would you threaten SD (or any child) with the 'worst
> > spanking in her life'?! Why would you want to slap her right there
> either?
> > I don't know but, it sounds like you have a lot of anger or
> frustration
> > directed towards SD and need to work things out. Is SD going through
> > anything in her life right now? I don't remember the history re: bm.
> Doing
> > what she does only brings you down to her level. Talk to her about
> this.
> > Maybe there's something you could do differently? Do you have a good
> > relationship with SD? Does she open up and confide in you?
> >
> > april...@my-deja.com wrote:
> >
Newsgroups
drink......."
huh huh,
kitley
<april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:8224is$i02$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
Newsgroups
there's always the "pink cocktail". when worst comes to worst......give
her a shot of benadryl. that'll calm her ass down.
i'm sorry you are so frustrated right now. i know what you mean. it sucks
when you are trying your best and no one is cooperating. hence my phrase,
"do you realize that i am trying to be nice here???"
i also know that there are lots of other frustrations out there. ye ol' bm
isn't making things any easier for you and it is damn, damn hard not to take
just a wee bit of it out on the cookie cut out of bm. i'm not saying it's
wrong or right to do it, but sometimes it just happens. i think that it is
good that you said "wanted to slap the shit out of her" as opposed to "i
just slapped the shit out of her." see, you have a little bit of control
left, deary.
on top of everything else crappy going on right now......WHETHER WE LIKE IT
OR NOT......there is a lot of pressure with the holidays upon us. emotional
pressure, financial pressure, spiritual pressure. and let's face
it......sitting by the fire with lights glowing on the tree, a drink in hand
and listening to sappy music in the background while the snow lightly falls
makes you reflective. maybe you're not so sure if you're happy what you are
reflecting upon. i only say this, because i feel like that at times.
so, chicky, just realize you are not alone in this boat on the sea of
emotion. you did good not "smacking her one". i am suggesting that you get
away for the day. can you just toodle away to your brother's or something?
let me know if you need any help.
kitley
( how are the meds working out?? frustration there? ........wishing the
best for you........kcw)
<april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:82248n$hsu$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
> <<Teens are so much fun, aren't they?>>
>
> problem is, she's not a teen...she just turned 8. I dont even WANT to
> know what she's gonna be like in a few years.... :(
>
>
>
> In article <01bf3b7c$468889c0$e0d7...@pc.vaxxine.com>,
> "Someone" <som...@somewhere.com> wrote:
> > Honestly, if she was in that kind of a mood, I'd have let her go to a
> > friend's house or something.
> >
> > As long as you didn't ignore her in the stores with breakables, I
> don't see
> > why it would be a problem to give her a taste of her own medicine.
> >
> > However, next time it would probably be a much better idea to
> eliminate her
> > from the equation completely when this happens. Tell her to stop or
> you're
> > going home. If/When she doesn't stop, pick up your things and
> leave. Go
> > back to the mall another day when you can go alone.
> >
> > Teens are so much fun, aren't they?
> >
> > april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <8219op$ud7
> $1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
> > : I very much dislike my SD today. She's had an attitude from the
Shanna & Pete
up (and boy do they sometimes!), I want to choke bm, not them. The hairs on
my neck go up when I hear about hitting or threatening to hit a child. I was
physically and verbally abused as a child and it did screw me up. Also, if
you don't follow through then they'll never listen to you anyway.
I apologize for coming across in any wrong way....I've got my own stress
over our bm moving back to BC and my ss's are freaked out too. I agree with
what someone else said though, if sd doesn't want to go with you then send
her somewhere else. She was just having a bad day. You'd feel worse if you
had to go somewhere you didn't want to, right?
Sd sounds like she may have a control problem. If she pouts so badly when
she's not the center of attention, maybe she's trying to get some control
over her life (choices, etc.). My ss's are almost 9 yrs old and they love
having choices and are learning to get a little control over what happens in
their world.
I'm no psychologist! It's just similar to what my ss's do and how they might
react. Not as badly though.
Sorry, Shanna
april...@my-deja.com wrote:
tkwalker
I think this is an excellent way to prove the golden rule, "Do unto
others...". She needs to know that she can't always have her way, and by
trying to ruin everyone elses time by being a snotty brat is not going to
allow her to have her way in the future. Treat others the way that you want
to be treated...
Don't use the "silent treatment" for too long, however. I've found that
pure, undisguised disapointment works for myself and my SS. I let him know
when he acts up that I'm shocked and truly let down with his attitude.
Usually, he gets the message after a couple of hours of dejected responses
and he announces how good he's going to be "from NOW on". Anger fuels
resentment while disappointment fuels behavioral changes.
<april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:8219op$ud7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
Merrie
Newsgroups <kit...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:s499l3...@corp.supernews.com...
> april,
> there's always the "pink cocktail". when worst comes to worst......give
> her a shot of benadryl. that'll calm her ass down.
>
No.
april...@my-deja.com
problem is, she's not a teen...she just turned 8. I dont even WANT to
know what she's gonna be like in a few years.... :(
In article <01bf3b7c$468889c0$e0d7...@pc.vaxxine.com>,
"Someone" <som...@somewhere.com> wrote:
> Honestly, if she was in that kind of a mood, I'd have let her go to a
> friend's house or something.
>
> As long as you didn't ignore her in the stores with breakables, I
don't see
> why it would be a problem to give her a taste of her own medicine.
>
> However, next time it would probably be a much better idea to
eliminate her
> from the equation completely when this happens. Tell her to stop or
you're
> going home. If/When she doesn't stop, pick up your things and
leave. Go
> back to the mall another day when you can go alone.
>
> Teens are so much fun, aren't they?
>
> april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <8219op$ud7
$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
> : I very much dislike my SD today. She's had an attitude from the
> :
april...@my-deja.com
april...@my-deja.com
Chica650 <chica650...@hotmail.com.invalid> wrote:
> I very much understand your frustration! My step-son is making me
> crazy today. It must be the weather. Hang in there. It's got to get
> better! (Considering that sometimes I feel it couldn't POSSIBLY get
any
> worse with him :) )
Remember...what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger!!!!!!! :)
>
> * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet's Discussion
Network *
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Free!
>
>
april...@my-deja.com
anyone, and I can definetely see your side of things. I feel MUCH
better today, things are fine....I am taking Friday to myself and going
to visit friends/go shopping/etc, something I am really looking forward
to, and realize I need even more than I first thought!
No hard feelings????? April
In article <3844AC95...@telus.net>,
april...@my-deja.com
much simpler. She is one who will JUST NOT TALK about what's bothering
her, or how she feels. No amount of patience, cajoling, etc, etc, etc
will get her to say anything about anything. (SS on the other hand,
will talk to me and only me about how he feels and what's going on in
his head...and I treat both kids equally, so I think it's just the way
she is...takes after her dad in that respect) She has been to therapy
and counseling. Most of the time she is fine, but she is just so
desperate to have the spotlight at all times that it damn near kills
her if she doesnt have it. She's the original drama queen! I do not
ever dismiss her feelings, in fact my entire WORLD revolves around her
and her brother. So think what you want. And I dont believe that I
should go out of my way to accomodate her every wish, such as staying
home when I need to go to the grocery store or shopping for
birthday/Christmas presents, esp. when it's for their friends or
relatives. For one, I CANNOT AFFORD to pay a babysitter every time she
would prefer to stay home. We just moved here, hours from
friends/family so I have absolutely NO support system....98% of the
time I do not have a choice, and have to take them with me every where
i go. And yes, I could have waited for my DH to get home(he never gets
home from work before 7 or 8), but it was a beautiful day, the kids
were home, and shame on me for thinking they would like to get out of
the house, and help me choose presents for thier cousins and teachers,
and spend an hour or so at McDonald's(where I had planned to take them
before we left, but had planned to surprise them...well, surprise, we
didnt go). What an awful person I am. I should be shot.
In article <OhY04.689$IA3....@typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net>,
"Merrie" <mer...@svn.net> wrote:
> What is the reason for the child's attitude?
>
> She's making sure you know she has a problem. Unfortunately
she's 8
> years old and isn't likely able to articulate it.
>
> If it were simply that she wanted to stay home with friends, then
that
> would have been easy to deal with. (Provided you aren't a parent
that just
> completely dismisses a child's feelings.) If that's all she wanted,
that
> could have easily been accommodated. However, you said she woke up
this
> way...
>
> If it were me, I would have tried to discover the source of the
attitude
> before taking them out in public.
>
> Merrie
>
> <april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
> news:8219op$ud7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
Dr Charles Whitmore
we cant shoot you...I will accept a good bitch slap session as punishment.
(hehe)
Shooting is way too messy!
Tracy
Tracy
now I'm no longer Charles..:-)
Anne Robotti
probably mixing your kids up a pink cocktail right now! :D
Anne
Now where did I put the Benadryl...
Newsgroups wrote:
>
> oh, come on, merrie! where's your sense of humor? i was just
> kidding......jeez.
> kitley
>
Anne Robotti
Tracy's so mixed up... And it doesn't help that one is named
Charles now...
Anne
Newsgroups
kidding......jeez.
kitley
Merrie <mer...@svn.net> wrote in message
news:vJ314.1149$IA3....@typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net...
>
> Newsgroups <kit...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:s499l3...@corp.supernews.com...
> > april,
> > there's always the "pink cocktail". when worst comes to
worst......give
> > her a shot of benadryl. that'll calm her ass down.
> >
>
> No.
>
>
april...@my-deja.com
out, but the few times I have given it to the kids (for ALLERGIES!!!
REALLY!!!!!) it had the reverse effect...same with the dogs, had to
give it to them for allergic reactions to vaccinations, and I then had
to peel them off the ceiling.
Last night, when DH got home, SD asked to talk to him, and she told him
that she was "very bad" in the store and made me embarrassed and sad,
and that she thought she should be punished...wierd. Anyway, she got 2
days grounding, and i think she got the message that we dont tolerate
such disrespectful, bratty behavior. She told us at dinner that her mom
told her a few weeks ago that if she misbehaves enough, that she can
come live with her. DH told her again that they are living with him for
a reason, and that their mom cant just say things like that, because it
was the court's decision. That we love her and are only trying ot teach
her right and wrong, and help her make the right decisions...that we
dont punish her "just to be mean". I think maybe she understood...guess
only time will tell.
In article <3845370A...@worldnet.att.net>,
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
> Kitley, everybody who knows you *knows* you weren't kidding! You've
> probably mixing your kids up a pink cocktail right now! :D
>
> Anne
> Now where did I put the Benadryl...
>
> Newsgroups wrote:
> >
> > oh, come on, merrie! where's your sense of humor? i was just
> > kidding......jeez.
> > kitley
> >
>
Newsgroups
hee hee
kitley
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:3845370A...@worldnet.att.net...
Newsgroups
do you reallly think i'd be sharing with the kids???
kitley
("i'll have mine dry......")
Newsgroups
kitley
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:384534CA...@worldnet.att.net...
Louise Taylor
> One of the distinct advantages of being a parrothead is that Jimmy
> Buffett writes songs that get easily stuck in your head. When I find
> myself in the spot you were at the mall, I get the song "That's My Story
> and I'm Sticking To It" caught in my head. Specifically the line: in
> 100 years this all won't matter, it's how you play the game, they love
> you just the same.
Hello fellow Parrothead. I get "Fruitcakes" stuck in my head. "I don't
want 8 extra ounces of watered-down Cherry Coke for 25 cents. I don't
want that much organization in my life. I want my Junior Mints!" :-)
> The times I get in trouble is when I then get the override of the song
> "Boat Drinks" (This morning, I shot six holes in my freezer. I think
> I've got cabin fever. ... I want to go where it's warm.)
Another great one. Being originally from the Deep South, I find that by
this time of year, I want to leave Oregon for good.
Louise
Shanna & Pete
a day for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT!!! Have fun and don't think about anyone
but yourself. Now if I could just do that myself...........
Shanna
Shanna & Pete
cracked open a bottle of wine my girlfriend made for me. It didn't solve any
problems but I slept great and jumped my husband to boot!!! Wahoo!
Shanna
Merrie
Isn't it possible to ask them to watch her while you go out?
One of the realities about children, that you miss by not having an
infant - in particular a colicky infant - is that your level of
sanity/happiness/mood is directly connected to them. It's not productive to
think that the kids don't have any power over you.
While we don't have complete control over how a child behaves, we do
have control over ourselves and the environment. Being able to control the
environment carries a lot of weight.
You took that child to an environment where her behavior was able to
push you toward the edge.
I'm not saying you should reward poor behavior. I'm not even suggesting
you accommodate her. I'm suggesting that you accommodate you, and what
happens to her in order for you to do that is secondary. Don't set yourself
up for stress.
Merrie
<april...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:82380a$9vc$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
Merrie
Newsgroups <kit...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:s4ad62l...@corp.supernews.com...
> oh, come on, merrie! where's your sense of humor? i was just
> kidding......jeez.
> kitley
>
>
> Merrie <mer...@svn.net> wrote in message
> news:vJ314.1149$IA3....@typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net...
> >
> > Newsgroups <kit...@aol.com> wrote in message
> > news:s499l3...@corp.supernews.com...
> > > april,
> > > there's always the "pink cocktail". when worst comes to
> worst......give
> > > her a shot of benadryl. that'll calm her ass down.
> > >
> >
> > No.
> >
> >
>
>
Shanna & Pete
There aren't any right or wrong answers or a solution for every problem. A
lot in life you learn as you go along. I wish there were a book to tell me
what to do, but I can't find one......yet.
What about having sd start a journal and writing in it daily or at least
when she's in one of her moods? Tell her to hide it so it's private. Maybe
one day she'll read it to you or talk about it with her dad. Or she might
feel better writing down what she feels or thinks knowing that you can't
read it. Make a big production out of letting her pick out or make a
journal.
Or make up a game of Feeling Sherades (did I spell that right?). She can be
the center of attention while you, dh and ss guess how she feels. It'll be
frustrating but you'd be surprised how much you get out of it. It doesn't
work for everyone though.
Just some ideas. You're doing great under pressure. Hang in there!
Shanna
Deena Smith
old SD. She sounds alot like your SD. About a year ago I was having
problems with her. She wouldn't listen to me she was argumentative,
etc. you name it. One day she finally got to me and I had it. I told
her father in front of her that I had had it. If she was going to
treat me like shit that was wat she was going to get in return. I told
her that I wasn't going to listen to her if she wanted something not to
ask me. Pretty much that I didn't even want to be her friend. Her
father told her that she would be losing a great friend. Well I did
what I said I was going to do. Afer a couple of days she started
talking to me again trying really hard to act like a friend. It
worked!!!
This was a year agoand its been the last couple of months that
there have been problems again. But I will deal with them.
I hope that things work out with you and let us know how things go.
Deena Smith
april...@my-deja.com
> this time of year, I want to leave Oregon for good.>>>
just curious, L...where in Oregon do you live? I have relatives in Coos
Bay....April
In article <Rdc14.2349$As1.2...@typhoon.aracnet.com>,
april...@my-deja.com
the first time ever...by calling late, drunk and crying, telling her
that if she really loved her, she would come live with her). DH and I
firmly believe in teaching the kids "treat others as you would like to
be treated"...and I have done what you did with your SD, treated her
the way she treats us at times, and it really does work, although I
know a lot of people dont approve of that method. But I say, hell, if
it works, why not????? I got an email from a friend who went through a
similiar situation with her SD, I thought I would share it with you:
<<<C...hummmm...been here and done this. A. did the same stage. The
your making my mom look bad, as she use to say. Which translated means,
my mom doesn't do this stuff, why? So hold on, the next stage after, if
see follows like what A. did, is she won't want anything to do with
bio-mom. Right now she is starting to put the pieces of the puzzle
together in her head, when she acts out is when she can't understand a
piece or two. But then they go together. The FULL picture of mom is
starting to come together and she doesn't like it. The "fairy princess"
is losing her shining light. And for them its hard to understand why she
can't be like you are. After all its easy for you to do the things you
do, so why can't mom. Once she gets the pieces put together and gets
over the anger, its bye-bye bio-mom. Shes in the home stretch now.>>>>>
I thought this was a very interesting take on the situation. My SS was
in denial for the longest time....but he is finally starting to see his
mom for who/what she really is, and he went through a period very
similar to this....but he cried CONSTANTLY, over every little
thing...had a very short temper....etc, etc....it's really sad that
little kids have to go thru this, no one should ever have to learn that
their parents arent the "perfect people" they always imagined them to
be.
So things have settled down here...I am trying REALLY HARD to be here
for my sd, to listen and support her....I just hope she will start
meeting me halfway, cuz she wont start the healing process until she
decides to take that first step.
In article <1728-384...@storefull-132.iap.bryant.webtv.net>,
Louise Taylor
> <<<Being originally from the Deep South, I find that by
>> this time of year, I want to leave Oregon for good.>>>
> just curious, L...where in Oregon do you live? I have relatives in Coos
> Bay....April
Beaverton which is just west of Portland. It is great here in the summer
but these winters can get very long.
Louise
Someone
She's older enough to reason certain things.
april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <82248n$hsu$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
: <<Teens are so much fun, aren't they?>>
:
: problem is, she's not a teen...she just turned 8. I dont even WANT to
: know what she's gonna be like in a few years.... :(
:
:
:
: In article <01bf3b7c$468889c0$e0d7...@pc.vaxxine.com>,
: "Someone" <som...@somewhere.com> wrote:
: > Honestly, if she was in that kind of a mood, I'd have let her go to a
: > friend's house or something.
: >
: > As long as you didn't ignore her in the stores with breakables, I
: don't see
: > why it would be a problem to give her a taste of her own medicine.
: >
: > However, next time it would probably be a much better idea to
: eliminate her
: > from the equation completely when this happens. Tell her to stop or
: you're
: > going home. If/When she doesn't stop, pick up your things and
: leave. Go
: > back to the mall another day when you can go alone.
: >
: > Teens are so much fun, aren't they?
: >
: > april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <8219op$ud7
: $1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
: > : I very much dislike my SD today. She's had an attitude from the
: > :
: > :
: > : Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
: > : Before you buy.
: > :
: >
:
:
: Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
: Before you buy.
:
Someone
ready for things on time (like for her ride to school or to her
after-school activity, etc.), and when she'd be reminded to hurry up, it's
always [with attitude] "Okaaaayyyy, I'll be there in a minute!" If you can
picture that being said like a real snot... anyway, she'd then have to get
to a friend's house and she'd say to SO "Come on, I'm going to be late!
Hurry up!" etc. So, SO would just retort [with imitation of SD's tone of
voice] "Okaaaayyyy, just a minute!" type of thing. No harm done, and SD
got the point.
april...@my-deja.com wrote in article <825sut$7iu$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
: My SD just turned 8 last month(her mom acknowledged her birthday for
: >
: >
:
Vicki Robinson
:firmly believe in teaching the kids "treat others as you would like to
:be treated"...and I have done what you did with your SD, treated her
:the way she treats us at times, and it really does work, although I
:know a lot of people dont approve of that method. But I say, hell, if
:it works, why not?????
Well, mainly because I don't let the kids get away with saying "Well,
*she* yelled at *me*, so *I* yelled back at *her*, so she did it
first, so what about her, why are you mad at me?" I always tell them
that the Golden Rule only works forward; you do to others *what you
want them to do to you* not *what they did to you.* So, since that's
my line in the sand, I can't cross it.
I'll tell ya, though, I have been awfully tempted; I understand why
the kids do it. But I keep telling myself that I'm the grown-up and I
have to find some other way, which bites at times. But there it is.
Vicki
--
Does it make any sense to say that I decompensate between
paradigms? Probably not. -Jane Lawrence
jane lawrence
redundant or inapplicable, please just skip along.
april...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> If I knew the reason for my sd's attitude, my life would be ever so
> much simpler. She is one who will JUST NOT TALK about what's bothering
> her, or how she feels. No amount of patience, cajoling, etc, etc, etc
> will get her to say anything about anything.
I bet she'd tell me. For some reason I've never understood, in
person people will tell me almost anything. It's the most
amazing thing.
It's different with my own kid, though. We talk about all kinds
of things all the time, but sometimes she needs to talk to
someone else. You can imagine all the reasons why she might not
want to talk to me. She might not want to disappoint me, or get
in trouble, or hurt my feelings. I might be the very issue that
she needs to vent about or get a different perspective on.
So I try to hook her up. I introduce her to people of different
ages who I feel have good sense, a unique perspective, or some
quality of wisdom. Then I make it clear that she is free to
talk to them about anything she needs to without feeling she is
betraying me. Of course, I encourage her to seek out confidants
on her own as well. She needs to learn that skill of building a
support system.
I completely understand how frustrating it is when your daughter
gets that mug on and won't tell you what's going through her
head. I think it's probably worse for you because you have
multiple children. You can't just say, "Fine, go sulk." Still,
we both have to make that decision when to keep probing and when
to just walk away.
We've also both made moves away from our own support systems.
(Maybe that's one of the reasons we're both here.) It was so
much easier when my best friend was right there to roll her eyes
with me, or tell me I was overreacting, or just give me a
sympathetic look. ASSP is great, but sometimes you just want
someone to witness what you're going through.
Anyway, getting back to my point, I find it helps to just let
some of the day to day mood swings roll off my back. I can just
let my kid stew in her own juices sometimes as long as I know
she has adequate resources to deal with whatever is going on in
her head. So when she's in a terrible mood and I have to drag
her somewhere, I can demand her cooperation. I know that I'm
not insensitive to her needs, but like the rest of us, she has
to deal with the world not revolving around her. As long as I'm
confident her real needs are being met, inconveniencing her is a
necessary evil. She seems to feel the same way. It's only when
she has no alternatives that she makes unreasonable demands on
me. That's when she acts up for attention, refuses to
cooperate, or retreats into sullenness.
So maybe your SD is straining your patience so much because she
needs another outlet, another ear to listen?
jane
april...@my-deja.com
probly wont talk to me about her problems, cuz they are mostly about
her mom, and she knows how I feel about her mom, no matter how hard I
try to hide my feelings. (I do however, have the same "gift" you have
for other people opening up...I have had complete strangers unload
thier problems on me...store clerks telling me thier life stories, etc,
etc...it just seems that when it comes to my own family, people get
tight-lipped!)Fortunately, SD does have other people she can talk to
(though she very rarely opens up to them, either, apparently she would
rather keep it all bottled up inside...hope she gets over that one
day), such as school counselors, her teacher, grandparents, cousins,
and friends.
I have a feeling there are things she really DOES want to talk to me
about, cuz she has been dropping hints now and again...or she will
start talking, and then go..."uh, never mind.".....or change the
subject. I am trying very hard to be receptive and non-judgemental. I
must be doing halfway decent, as SS spills his guts to me on a regular
basis. :)
As for the dragging the kid along on errands, etc, when she doesnt want
to go or is in a bad mood...i too think that kids have to learn that
the world doesnt revolve around them, and that sometimes you have to do
things you dont want to do(even as an adult). It's just the way the
world works. Believe me, if I get the chance to go somewhere W/O the
kids, I take full advantage of it!!!!!
In article <384C7C42...@excite.com>,
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
> A lot of this thread expired before I read it. If this is
> redundant or inapplicable, please just skip along.
>
> april...@my-deja.com wrote:
> >
> > If I knew the reason for my sd's attitude, my life would be ever so
> > much simpler. She is one who will JUST NOT TALK about what's
bothering
> > her, or how she feels. No amount of patience, cajoling, etc, etc,
etc
> > will get her to say anything about anything.
>
Melissa Torresan
>As for the dragging the kid along on errands, etc, when she doesnt want
>to go or is in a bad mood...i too think that kids have to learn that
>the world doesnt revolve around them, and that sometimes you have to do
>things you dont want to do(even as an adult).
If only I had $1US for every time my mother has said to me "The world
does not revolve around you...." I would be able to have my *own*
airline :) What's worse, I've caught myself saying it quite a few
times, and also my sister says it to my nephew often.. he always says
"Yes it does, because I SAID it does.." - said pronounced sayed!
SK's reaction to "the world does not revolve around you" was "Of
course it doesn't. It revolves around the sun like the other planets
do..but what does that have to do with anything?" DAMN! I wish I'd
come up with that one years ago!
Mel
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
---------------------------------------------------
John Hamlin
SD today. Her siblings despair of doing anything to annoy her because *****
might get mad, or she might be upset. I lost it on her today after she
pulled a hissy fit in the grocery store when I asked her not to stand up in
the cart. I had forgotten the cardinal rule that ***** is not to be
corrected. It never seemed to matter to her how pleasantly she was asked or
corrected in some way, it was always the same reaction, lip comes
out....stoney eyed stare.....refusal to acknowledge the presence of the
person who had dared to offend her...would not respond to questions, except
to give a look that could kill, and then the wail....like a siren. I got the
full treatment today. I removed her from the store....we got in the
truck...when I asked "are you buckled in?", she first refused to talk at
all....so I checked her seat belt....then I turned to her and said "if you
don't want to talk to me, that's fine because right now I don't want to talk
to you either, from now on I am only going to treat you as nicely as you
treat me, the looks you have been giving me are not nice, the tantrum is not
nice, I don't feel like being nice either so we are going home, we rae not
going out to lunch. You can think about this all the way home, no one is
going to want to be nice to you if you treat them this way" I thought I had
been too harsh, but to my great surprise she apologized to me when we got
home (she NEVER apologizes to anyone). BM has always treated this child like
a princess, her brother and sister would catch hell if they ever did
anything to upset her, so being a child, she would invent things that her
siblings had done just to see them get in trouble. She recently let my BD's
hamster out of it's cage (we have a cat)because my daughter had told her not
to eat with her fingers. An apology I can't believe it......and wonderful
behavior for the rest of the day....Yay
Melissa Trojan wrote:
> On Mon, 06 Dec 1999 19:42:50 GMT, april...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> >As for the dragging the kid along on errands, etc, when she doesnt want
> >to go or is in a bad mood...i too think that kids have to learn that
> >the world doesnt revolve around them, and that sometimes you have to do
> >things you dont want to do(even as an adult).
>
april...@my-deja.com
sayings, jokes, or various other pearls of wisdom. When I say the
world doesnt revolve around them, or "Life's hard, get a
helmet" ...they look at me like perhaps one of my eyeballs fell
out.....it's always "I dont get it"....makes me crazy. :)
In article <384c0c5b...@news.bigpond.com>,
sm...@crosswinds.net (Melissa Torresan) wrote:
> On Mon, 06 Dec 1999 19:42:50 GMT, april...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> >As for the dragging the kid along on errands, etc, when she doesnt
want
> >to go or is in a bad mood...i too think that kids have to learn that
> >the world doesnt revolve around them, and that sometimes you have to
do
> >things you dont want to do(even as an adult).
>
> If only I had $1US for every time my mother has said to me "The world
> does not revolve around you...." I would be able to have my *own*
> airline :) What's worse, I've caught myself saying it quite a few
> times, and also my sister says it to my nephew often.. he always says
> "Yes it does, because I SAID it does.." - said pronounced sayed!
>
> SK's reaction to "the world does not revolve around you" was "Of
> course it doesn't. It revolves around the sun like the other planets
> do..but what does that have to do with anything?" DAMN! I wish I'd
> come up with that one years ago!
>
> Mel
> ---------------------------------------------------
> Melissa Torresan
> sm...@crosswinds.net
> ---------------------------------------------------
>
april...@my-deja.com
actions were completely appropriate and well-done. Lets hope she has
learned a lesson from this, and that her behavior continues to
improve! :)
In article <384C9BE0...@sk.sympatico.ca>,
> Melissa Trojan wrote:
>
> > On Mon, 06 Dec 1999 19:42:50 GMT, april...@my-deja.com wrote:
> >
> > >As for the dragging the kid along on errands, etc, when she doesnt
want
> > >to go or is in a bad mood...i too think that kids have to learn
that
> > >the world doesnt revolve around them, and that sometimes you have
to do
> > >things you dont want to do(even as an adult).
> >
> > If only I had $1US for every time my mother has said to me "The
world
> > does not revolve around you...." I would be able to have my *own*
> > airline :) What's worse, I've caught myself saying it quite a few
> > times, and also my sister says it to my nephew often.. he always
says
> > "Yes it does, because I SAID it does.." - said pronounced sayed!
> >
> > SK's reaction to "the world does not revolve around you" was "Of
> > course it doesn't. It revolves around the sun like the other planets
> > do..but what does that have to do with anything?" DAMN! I wish I'd
> > come up with that one years ago!
> >
> > Mel
> > ---------------------------------------------------
> > Melissa Torresan
> > sm...@crosswinds.net
> > ---------------------------------------------------
>
>
Dana
Dana
Karla <ka...@ntcorp.com> wrote in message
news:384C2D9D...@ntcorp.com...
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Melissa Torresan wrote:
> > SK's reaction to "the world does not revolve around you" was "Of
> > course it doesn't. It revolves around the sun like the other planets
> > do..but what does that have to do with anything?" DAMN! I wish I'd
> > come up with that one years ago!
>
>
> I still remember the fight when I was about 16 I had with my mother and
> I said, "I didn't ask to be born!"
>
> Her reply, "I've got news for you, neither did I."
>
> That's when it occured to me that there were 5 years between me and my
> brother. ;)
>
> (To be fair, she did have a miscarriage the year before I was born.)
>
>
> Then of course there was the time when my younger sister in a very hip
> and modern and you-wouldn't-understand-because-times-changed type of
> flippant mood. My mother, a devout Catholic, and my sister were having
> the typical mother-teen argument when my sister said something about you
> don't even believe in a woman's right to choose and my mother replied,
> "Damn good thing too or I wouldn't have six kids." That's when my
> sister really realized that she was number six.
>
> To her credit, I still remember the time went up against my 6th grade
> reading teacher. I said I didn't want to read Anne Frank because it was
> too depressing. The teacher sent a note home to my mother about how I
> had a problem dealing with reality. My mom marched in there, looked at
> the teacher and said, "Did it ever occur to you that she might know it's
> depressing because she already read it?"
>
> I love my mom. :)
>
> karla
Mel
we had my SSs here i thought i was gonna lose my mind.the oldest is only
7 but acts 2 sometimes when he doesnt get his way he whines and looks at
his dad who used to in turn agree with him til we had a very big
discussion about it.it seeed my kids were being punished for things he
was doing.i love this boy to death but i was so happy when sunday came
and he went home.
Ralph Tompkins, Jr
You sure you don't want to know?
I have a SD,19yo/w/6mo child at home,
wish someone would have warned me! It has now been my experience they
get WORSE and that doesn't EVEN begin to describe it!!!!!
Anyone want to discuss older SC?