She's uncomfortable with my son
Michael
Talk about a load of bricks barreling down on top of me. My girlfriend and
I have had a few problems and we are finally getting on track. The last
two weekends she has been spending time with my son and I...really the
first time this has happened, though it occasionally happened in very small
doses before.
Yesterday she emailed me (it's easier for her to talk about things like
that) and told me that she's uncomfortable around my son. She had hoped it
would pass, but it hasn't and she doesn't know if it will. She doesn't
know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it. She
says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
figure if this relationship continues...I told her that right now she
doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
Help.
Michael
Michael
For the record, my son is 5.
Dylan's Mom
You said "She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a
mother
figure if this relationship continues". Obviously I don't know you but I
don't think this is the right woman for your life if your life continues to
involve your kid. You don't say how old your son is. If he's 17 or 7 -
that makes a big difference. You child should be your first priority.
Hopefully she understands that you are a package deal -AS IS. Also, some
of your other comments make me think that she is a lot more uncomfortable
with a lot of things besides your son. An alarm bell went off for me when
you said she is more comfortable sending you an email on certain issues -
what? Couples who love each other are supposed to talk things out face to
face. I still say this isn't the right woman for you - don't marry her.--
Dyla...@My-Dejanews.com
Michael <mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote in article
<01bda040$14e44fe0$6b78...@saga-A7-107.cncx.com>...
Candy Lewis
On 25 Jun 1998 09:58:51 EDT, "Michael" <mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote:
>
>Talk about a load of bricks barreling down on top of me. My girlfriend and
>I have had a few problems and we are finally getting on track. The last
>two weekends she has been spending time with my son and I...really the
>first time this has happened, though it occasionally happened in very small
>doses before.
>
>Yesterday she emailed me (it's easier for her to talk about things like
>that) and told me that she's uncomfortable around my son. She had hoped it
>would pass, but it hasn't and she doesn't know if it will. She doesn't
>know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
>wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it. She
>says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
>unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
>figure if this relationship continues...I told her that right now she
>doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
>relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
>have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
>
>Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
>make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
>
>Help.
>
>Michael
Look Michael, to close before committment is no good for anyone.
don't shove your son down her throat. he is not her responsibility.
Mostly Sunny
In article <35927f45...@news.crosslink.net>, le...@crosslink.net
(Candy Lewis) wrote:
> Look Michael, to close before committment is no good for anyone.
> don't shove your son down her throat. he is not her responsibility.
I don't think he is shoving his son down her throat. She should know
better than to expect him to make a choice like that. People with kids are
a package deal as far as new relationships go. She may not want kids but
she knew this man had a son before she got involved with him. She
shouldn't expect him to dump his son to be with her. That is an unfair
ultimatum, "choose me or your kid." Blood is thicker than water... the kid
should win. At least she was honest about it now instead of later. Sounds
to me like there are other problems in the relationship to begin with --
awkward communication face to face, jealousy issues. She says she doesn't
want to deal with it. In my opinion, if she can't take the whole package,
she should take a hike.
Personally, I think he can do a lot better than her. He says they are a
good pair together, but all the evidence points to the contrary. Bottom
line, if she doesn't like children, she is the wrong partner for him,
period. Everything else may be "on track", but her discomfort with the
child would stop me cold. How fair is it to his son if he stays with a
woman who does not want anything to do with being a mother figure? He
should put his child's best interests first. If that is "shoving him down
her throat", then she is the wrong woman for him.
Michael
At least she was honest about it now instead of later. Sounds
> to me like there are other problems in the relationship to begin with --
> awkward communication face to face, jealousy issues. She says she
doesn't
> want to deal with it. In my opinion, if she can't take the whole package,
> she should take a hike.
There were some problems in there...not sure about the jealously deal but
problems did exist. What sucks is that we had those figured out, as a
couple we were moving in the right direction...now this...
> Personally, I think he can do a lot better than her. He says they are a
> good pair together, but all the evidence points to the contrary. Bottom
> line, if she doesn't like children, she is the wrong partner for him,
> period. Everything else may be "on track", but her discomfort with the
> child would stop me cold. How fair is it to his son if he stays with a
> woman who does not want anything to do with being a mother figure? He
> should put his child's best interests first. If that is "shoving him down
> her throat", then she is the wrong woman for him.
Maybe I can...I think it is her fear of the responsibility involved with
being a mother figure...but I think she is fearing that too early on in my
opinion-yes it will happen but right now shouldn't she just be hangin' out
with us and forming a relationship with her? Sure if we get married then
the responsibility kicks in and actually a bit before that, like during the
engagement period...maybe it's not workable I don't really know-it depends
on what she's willing to put in and what I am willing to put up with I
guess...no, if she continues to be uncomfortable around my son and if she
can't handle the responsibility involved I will have to end the
relationship and that will be too bad.
Carla
Dylan's Mom wrote:
> An alarm bell went off for me when
> you said she is more comfortable sending you an email on certain issues -
> what? Couples who love each other are supposed to talk things out face to
> face.
IMO, couples who love each other are *supposed* to find a way to
communicate that works out as comfortably as possible for both
partners.
I don't find it odd at all that someone may find discussing "issues"
easier in email. After all, you get a chance to put your thoughts in
order, try out different phrasings, really put some effort into getting
your point across. Sometimes in face-to-face communication, someone
might find themselves saying something they don't really mean, if only
because of the pressure they might feel to respond "right now".
What sets off alarm bells for me is when someone says "this is the way
<relationship> things are *supposed* to be."
Cheers,
Carla
Dylan's Mom
Michael,
You need to explain to her that you aren't looking for a mother figure for
your kid (are you?) and secondly I have never tried to be my stepdaughters
mother or her friend. I am a stable adult role model and influence in her
life - that we love each other is a bonus.
--
Dyla...@My-Dejanews.com
Michael <mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote in article
<01bda064$05d104c0$6b78...@saga-A7-107.cncx.com>...
janelaw
Michael wrote:
>
>
> There were some problems in there...not sure about the jealously deal but
> problems did exist. What sucks is that we had those figured out, as a
> couple we were moving in the right direction...now this...
>
>
> being a mother figure...but I think she is fearing that too early on in my
> opinion-yes it will happen but right now shouldn't she just be hangin' out
> with us and forming a relationship with her? Sure if we get married then
> the responsibility kicks in and actually a bit before that, like during the
> engagement period...maybe it's not workable I don't really know-it depends
> on what she's willing to put in and what I am willing to put up with I
> guess...no, if she continues to be uncomfortable around my son and if she
> can't handle the responsibility involved I will have to end the
> relationship and that will be too bad.
If I were your gf, I would be worrying about it now. I would be
furious with myself if I let myself get involved with you and
your son and then realized that I didn't really want to be a
wife and mother. Especially if I did not feel ready for
children. I would feel unfair and irresponsible "building a
relationship" if I did not feel confident that it would last.
She has a responsibility NOW to treat you and your son fairly.
She doesn't want to lead you on. It would be cruel to let your
son grow to love her then leave. If she's worth it, why don't
you wait? Give her some time to get used to the idea and decide
what she wants to do with her life. I didn't catch whether you
were CP, but either way, she would be making a huge commitment.
xyzj...@primary.net
On 25 Jun 1998 09:58:51 EDT, "Michael" <mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote:
>
>Yesterday she emailed me (it's easier for her to talk about things like
>that) and told me that she's uncomfortable around my son. She had hoped it
>would pass, but it hasn't and she doesn't know if it will. She doesn't
>know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
>wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it. She
>says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
>unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
>figure if this relationship continues...I told her that right now she
>doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
>relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
>have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
>
>Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
>make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
Call it quits. This won't work.
Sorry.
Jeffrey
remove xyz to reply
Jerry Groneberg
Michael wrote in message
<01bda040$14e44fe0$6b78...@saga-A7-107.cncx.com>...
<snip>
>Yesterday she(my girlfriend) emailed me (it's easier for her to talk about
things like
>that) and told me that she's uncomfortable around my son. She had hoped it
>would pass, but it hasn't and she doesn't know if it will. She doesn't
>know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
>wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it. She
>says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
>unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
>figure if this relationship continues...I told her that right now she
>doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
>relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
>have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
>
>Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
>make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
Hi Michael.
You need to accept the fact that she has difficulty dealing with having a
son included in your relationship. Nothing you can say or do will change
her mind about that.
If you continue this relationship you will discuss this issue forever. You
need to decide what you want to do about it.
In my opinion, a significant other should never *expect* to be a mother or
even friend to another couples child. If it happens - great, otherwise a
cordial relationship is about all that may happen.
Michael
What a crazy couple of days...last night we just cried in each other's
arms-not knowing what to do and basically saying goodbye...the night passed
and so did the morning and she asked me over for lunch-there I presented
our two options.
1. If she can't and isn't going to be able to handle this now or ever, then
we need to end the relationship.
2. Keep this issue in mind, say that she can try eventually-but not today.
Today we will continue to build our relationship and make sure she and I
are truly everything we think we are and then tackle this issue together.
-janelaw's email helped out here.
I told her the choice was hers-she is the one who has to decide what she
thinks she may be able to do or not-she chose 2. Hopefully we are making
the right decision and not simply prolonging the inevitable. I think we
are on the right track-time will tell and in the meantime we will grow
stronger as a couple, she can think of how it can work for her, and in the
end we will be very solid. We are talking about it and that is the first
step-it's not always easy for her as she has a hard time putting her
thoughts and emotions into words, but we are getting there.
I think Jerry's probably right-I can't expect her to be a mom or a best
friend-I just need them to get along and if we decide to get married
someday, then I will also ask for her to help out, but still doesn't have
to fit any certain role...
We'll see-Thank you all for all of your advice and insight.
Mayhem3425
>Talk about a load of bricks barreling down on top of me. My girlfriend and
>I have had a few problems and we are finally getting on track. The last
>two weekends she has been spending time with my son and I...really the
>first time this has happened, though it occasionally happened in very small
>doses before.
>
>
So she's just beginning to get to know him, and just beginning to come to terms
with parenting.
>Yesterday she emailed me (it's easier for her to talk about things like
>that) and told me that she's uncomfortable around my son. She had hoped it
>would pass, but it hasn't and she doesn't know if it will.
And she'll never know if the two of you bail out of the relationship so fast.
Don't be so impatient with yourselves and with each other. These things take
time. Do you love each other? Can you communicate your feelings? (It sounds
like the answer to both questions is yes...)
Mayhem3425
I was halfway through my reply when I hit "send" by mistake. Here's the rest of
my pearls of wisdom..
> She doesn't
>know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
>wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it.
Of course she wishes that. All parents and stepparents feel that at times, even
though many won't admit it. It's even more pronounced right now, because she
wants to have you to herself. Which is only natural. And dealing with it --
acknowledging the feelings and where they come from, and figuring out if she
can either live with those feelings, overcome them, or cultivate other, better
feelings -- will take some time.
>She
>says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
>unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
>figure if this relationship continues..
Well, once you get past the giddy, new-love phase of a relationship, there are
always things to deal with. She could dump you and find some guy with no kids
... but maybe she would lose something (and someone) valuable in the process.
And she's to be commended for confronting the reality of the situation and
recognizing the responsibility she's going to have if she stays in your life.
>.I told her that right now she
>doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
>relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
>have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
>
>Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
>make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
>
>
I think you told her the right thing. Is she comfortable with that?
As far as "getting through it," that will take some time and effort, and it
won't be a lot of fun. So now you both have to ask yourselves and each other:
are we committed to each other? Or would we rather go on a search for a
(perhaps nonexistent) relationship where we won't have to deal with hard
issues?
Mayhem3425
>Maybe I can...I think it is her fear of the responsibility involved with
>being a mother figure...but I think she is fearing that too early on in my
>opinion-yes it will happen but right now shouldn't she just be hangin' out
>with us and forming a relationship with her? Sure if we get married then
>the responsibility kicks in and actually a bit before that, like during the
>engagement period...maybe it's not workable I don't really know-it depends
>on what she's willing to put in and what I am willing to put up with I
>guess...no, if she continues to be uncomfortable around my son and if she
>can't handle the responsibility involved I will have to end the
>relationship and that will be too bad.
>
>
A lot of people are awfully quick to tell you to throw this woman out of your
life. I don't think anyone can make that kind of determination except you.
Likewise, I don't think any of us are qualified to tell you to go ahead and try
to keep her. But I think she's being realistic in considering the implications
of a relationship with you that will necessarily involve your son. That speaks
well of her.
Right now your relationship is at a crisis point. As I see it, she's the one
who needs to make a decision: Can she accept the fact that you have a son, and
your relationship with him will necessarily have an impact on her relationship
with you? And that yes, she will wind up having some parenting duties if she
marries you? It's not an easy decision to make.
My wife went through this agony after she fell in love with me. I had not one
but two little kids from my previous marriage. She too was a young woman (much
younger than I!!!) who had figured she was never going to have kids. She came
close to leaving. But then she decided to stay. She made the commitment -- to
all three of us. And all four of us are glad. (Today, the only part of the
package she still resents is my exwife!!!)
Maybe your story will turn out differently. Maybe your girlfriend will make a
different decision. But don't be surprised that she's having these feelings.
And be glad that she's dealing with it now, and not later. A lot of people wait
until after marriage, judging from other things I've read in this group.
Mayhem3425
>
>What a crazy couple of days...last night we just cried in each other's
>arms-not knowing what to do and basically saying goodbye...the night passed
>and so did the morning and she asked me over for lunch-there I presented
>our two options.
>
>1. If she can't and isn't going to be able to handle this now or ever, then
>we need to end the relationship.
>
>2. Keep this issue in mind, say that she can try eventually-but not today.
>Today we will continue to build our relationship and make sure she and I
>are truly everything we think we are and then tackle this issue together.
>-janelaw's email helped out here.
>
>I told her the choice was hers-she is the one who has to decide what she
>thinks she may be able to do or not-she chose 2. Hopefully we are making
>the right decision and not simply prolonging the inevitable. I think we
>are on the right track-time will tell and in the meantime we will grow
>stronger as a couple, she can think of how it can work for her, and in the
>end we will be very solid. We are talking about it and that is the first
>step-it's not always easy for her as she has a hard time putting her
>thoughts and emotions into words, but we are getting there.
>
>
Sounds to me like the two of you may turn out just fine. It's so good that you
are dealing with this major issue now. She may still decide that this isn't
what she wants, or is too much for her to handle ... but she's not quitting at
the first sign of trouble, and neither are you. She's giving it a chance. She
may find that her feelings about your son will change as she opens her heart to
him. Five-year-olds can be pretty charming...
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
In article <01bda138$d4501320$6b78...@saga-A7-107.cncx.com>,
"Michael" <mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote:
>
> I presented
> our two options.
>
> 1. If she can't and isn't going to be able to handle this now or ever, then
> we need to end the relationship.
>
> 2. Keep this issue in mind, say that she can try eventually-but not today.
> Today we will continue to build our relationship and make sure she and I
> are truly everything we think we are and then tackle this issue together.
> -janelaw's email helped out here.
>
> I told her the choice was hers-she is the one who has to decide what she
> thinks she may be able to do or not-she chose 2.
Of course she did. It's always easiest to stick your head in the sand and
pretend the issue isn't there. What you are waiting for is the day that her
love for you outweighs her disinterest in your child. Ultimately--if that
happens--she will settle for less than she wants, you will settle for less
than you need, and your child will be forced with settling for less than he
deserves. Sounds like a fairy tale ending to the whole thing!
> I think Jerry's probably right-I can't expect her to be a mom or a best
> friend-I just need them to get along and if we decide to get married
> someday, then I will also ask for her to help out, but still doesn't have
> to fit any certain role...
Do you hear what you're saying? "We're going to take it very slow and then
we'll get married." Darlin', taking it slow is talking over coffee and
taking it one day at a time. What you are essentially talking about doing is
giving her all the time she needs to decide to marry you. You have your
whole future planned out ahead of you and it's completely unrealistic. You
seem to be giving no thought to how this will effect your child...it's like
you want this relationship at all costs and the thing that you're most
willing to compromise is your child.
For starters, she does fit into a certain role. You absolutely cannot marry
into a family and say, "But I don't want to be anything to the children; I
don't want to be responsible for them." Doesn't work. My husband told me,
in the beginning, that I could have as little or as much input as I
wanted...but he had to go to work now and would I mind looking after the kid?
It's true that she doesn't have to be a mother and she doesn't have to be a
best friend, but she will be responsible for 1/2 of his guidance and
direction while she is in your home. Everything she says or does or even
thinks will effect your son. If she is any less than 100% committed to him,
believe me he'll know it. That polite distance will seem like rejection to
him. Kids are tremendously sensitive to people's disinterest. It will hurt
when she decides to skip his birthday party because she can't handle that
many kids. It will hurt when she decides that she's not interested in
attending his open house or Christmas concert at school. It's one thing when
adults come into these families when the children are already old enough to
contribute to a bad relationship. It's another when you take an eager little
spirit and continually turn away from it.
What you are talking about doing is not adding to his well-being, it's
cutting your involvement in his life in half. You will ultimately be torn
between the things that she'll want to be doing with you "sans child" and the
things your child will need you to be doing with him. Believe me, there are
a million and one things to resent when you're married to a single father but
would rather it just be the two of you. I'm not saying that she's mean or
greedy or anything, but it's human nature. You start thinking about the
vacations you could be having in Cancun, if only the kid could spend a little
more time with his mother. You remember that you were told that nothing
would be asked of you, and suddenly they need cupcakes for the bake sale at
school. And they start bringing their friends home after school and they
bring all the toys out into the living room. Or for dinner and you have to
cook and clean up after them too. Or to spend the night and you have to
contend with worried parents, 2:00am giggling and pancakes in the morning.
I'm afraid that I don't see this as an "all couples have problems" problem.
This little problem is five years old and he's not going away for at least
another thirteen years. It is true, though, that we can't tell you what to
do. But I do hope that we can convince you to rethink this relatively
selfish approach. You are both so concerned about what *you* want that you
are forgetting that there's a little boy who will more than likely get hurt,
no matter what you decide.
lil
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading
roa...@execpc.com
Mayhem3425 wrote:
>
> > She doesn't
> >know why she's uncomfortable, she thinks he is great but sometimes she just
> >wishes she wasn't there. She doesn't want to have to deal with it.
>
hey...I met my hubby when my SD was 3....she was a little terror then
and there were time I thought "do I really want to go through this BS?"
Well 10 years latter I'm still here and he's going through a major
custody battle and I can't say it's been easy but I would do it again.
> >She
> >says that she doesn't want to lose me but she also doesn't want to be
> >unfair. She's really uncomfortable with the fact that she becomes a mother
> >figure if this relationship continues..
I'm not a mother figure..I have become a friend which sometimes is far
better. She talks to me alittle more becuase I don't BS her and i tend
to tell things like they are.
>
> >.I told her that right now she
> >doesn't have to be that figure, right now she should just be building a
> >relationship. She never planned on having children-then I came along and I
> >have a son, and now I feel torn as she does as well.
> >
> >Advice? What do I do, call it quits? I love this woman, I respect her, we
> >make a good pair but I just don't know how to get through this.
Build the relationship first and the rest will follow. You haven't
given us a hint on how you get along with your ex? Is it sane or is it
bitter? That can make a MAJOR difference on how much BS anyone puts up
with. The latter is the hardest to deal with and if your relationship
with your ex is great your GF has it made compared to most!
Pattie
Michael
I appreciate the very direct response...yes, I do worry that we are putting
off something that will inevitably happen anyway. Marriage is not in the
works-that's just talk of the future, sure maybe it will happen but that's
for another day. The decision we've made was to strengthen our
relationship so that we could face this issue. If time passes and she
still can't handle the fact that I have a son and that to be a part of my
life is to be a part of his, then we will go our separate ways. Personally
I don't see that happening...it's a big step just to commit to one person
and we are making that step and as we do and as we come together as a
couple, then we will bring in my son and begin to work that through. I
don't know, maybe that is unrealistic...I hope it isn't. I guess what it
came down to was that we've only been together for 6 months. We do care a
great deal for one another, and we do love each other...I'm not willing to
give all that up and just quit...I (and she) am willing to give it some
time and let things progress. I don't think that means that I'm ignoring
the needs of my son, I just think it means that right now is not the time
to take that situation on.
> Of course she did. It's always easiest to stick your head in the sand
and
> pretend the issue isn't there. What you are waiting for is the day that
her
> love for you outweighs her disinterest in your child. Ultimately--if
that
> happens--she will settle for less than she wants, you will settle for
less
> than you need, and your child will be forced with settling for less than
he
> deserves. Sounds like a fairy tale ending to the whole thing!
>
Linden
In article <01bda374$96700720$6b78...@saga-A7-107.cncx.com>, "Michael"
<mbuck...@cncx.com> wrote:
> I appreciate the very direct response...yes, I do worry that we are putting
> off something that will inevitably happen anyway. Marriage is not in the
> works-that's just talk of the future, sure maybe it will happen but that's
> for another day. The decision we've made was to strengthen our
> relationship so that we could face this issue. If time passes and she
It sounds like you've got to work tooo hard at this. I don't see it working out.
Linden
--
Ask The Girl! Free advice on the web.
SusanH9876
As someone who is married to a NCP with two stepchildren AND as someone who has
never had a maternal instinct stir in her body (give me a puppy ANY day over a
baby), I can say that despite the negatives, a relationship between a parent
and someone who does NOT want to be a parent can and will work.
Mind you, this is not to say that YOUR relationship will work, just that it is
possible to make it work, if your GF is willing to make the commitment.
Is her problem really with your son? Is she jealous, perhaps that you had a
life (obviously) before her? It's difficult to accept sometimes, particularly
when there is a living, breathing constant reminder of another woman's
presence.
As for being a mother, I can say without hesitation that I do love my steps (I
could not have said this a year ago) and while I have NO interest in being
their mother, I am an excellent stepmother to them, which is a whole lot
different than being a mother. I have gone from someone who never really even
liked kids (yes, I was one of those folks who sighed when you entered a
restaurant with your young child in tow...LOL), to someone who truly adores my
steps, and who misses them when they are not here.
It can happen - but it takes A LOT of commitment and work on the part of both
parties.
Mayhem3425
>As someone who is married to a NCP with two stepchildren AND as someone who
>has
>never had a maternal instinct stir in her body (give me a puppy ANY day over
>a
>baby), I can say that despite the negatives, a relationship between a parent
>and someone who does NOT want to be a parent can and will work.
>
>Mind you, this is not to say that YOUR relationship will work, just that it
>is
>possible to make it work, if your GF is willing to make the commitment.
>
>Is her problem really with your son? Is she jealous, perhaps that you had a
>life (obviously) before her? It's difficult to accept sometimes,
>particularly
>when there is a living, breathing constant reminder of another woman's
>presence.
>
>As for being a mother, I can say without hesitation that I do love my steps
>(I
>could not have said this a year ago) and while I have NO interest in being
>their mother, I am an excellent stepmother to them, which is a whole lot
>different than being a mother. I have gone from someone who never really
>even
>liked kids (yes, I was one of those folks who sighed when you entered a
>restaurant with your young child in tow...LOL), to someone who truly adores
>my
>steps, and who misses them when they are not here.
>
>It can happen - but it takes A LOT of commitment and work on the part of both
>parties.
Commitment -- that word again. And another scary word: Work!.
I never planned to get divorced. My second wife never planned to marry a
divorced person with kids. And the two of us never planned to fall in love. If
either of us had stopped to draw up the characteristics of our ideal mate
before we met, I doubt that either of us would have put together something much
like the person we wound up marrying.
Yes, she finds it hard to deal with my kids, and especially hard to deal with
my ex and the baleful influence that ex sometimes has on my kids.
But after seeing each other for several months, and living together for several
months, we both realized we wanted to be together forever. She knew she could
probably find herself a younger guy with no previous romance or kids in his
life. That's what her best friend did. But her best friend moved out on this
guy a couple of weeks ago, with her six-month-old baby in her arms.
My wife decided to make the commitment to me -- and to my kids. And I'm doing
the same for her. Is it hard? Is it work? Lots of times. But having her in my
life makes it worthwhile -- and she feels the same way.
If you can find an idyllic relationship with no negatives, something that lives
up to all your expectations and fantasies, by all means go for it! But you
might spend the rest of your life looking for perfection and not finding it.
Good luck to all of you -- all of us -- wrestling with these issues.
Love doesn't really conquer all, but it can make almost anything bearable.
Michael
> > I appreciate the very direct response...yes, I do worry that we are
putting
> > off something that will inevitably happen anyway. Marriage is not in
the
> > works-that's just talk of the future, sure maybe it will happen but
that's
> > for another day. The decision we've made was to strengthen our
> > relationship so that we could face this issue. If time passes and she
>
> It sounds like you've got to work tooo hard at this. I don't see it
working out.
>
> Linden
Again, thanks for this direct response...and with a statement like that I
certainly would like to hear how you came up with that and why you would
not be involved in a relationship like this.
Michael