steps out of control..

[Katy]

I havn't posted in awhile as the last time I was misconstrued and it was
sort of upsetting to be told that I wasn't a loving step-mom... I had just
had enough of the bio-mom's and Sdaughter, and Sson's garbage... well it
just seems to pile up... so here goes.. old issue, when my husband travels
his teenage daughter always shows up unannounced with or without friends...
and then no matter how nice I am to her she says I was mean to her...
honestly I am not happy with the fact that I am not entitled to time alone
with my two children when they can relax away from the step sibs, or have me
to themselves, or maybe I have plans that do not include staying at home to
ref, or make sure she doesnt do her tricks, ( smoking, having boys over, or
ranting, or ransaking the desks for info for bio-mom).,, well now she is
making up lies about how I am rude on the phone when her dad is busy outside
and doesnt want to come to the phone.. even though the neighbor was sitting
right there when I said.." I am sorry hon, he can't come to the phone he is
under the deck working on the plumbing, I'll tell him you are ready to go,
and find out when he is picking you up, he will call you in a few, or I
will.. " That was I was a B----- to her on the phone, then Bi0-mom calls
and reems my husband, the mental games about slamming me and my kids and my
husband in front of the stepkids is neverending, now the oldest step son
11, with the extreme temper, throwing slaming doors.. has provoked my
daughter's puppy into nipping him, ( he would make the dog chase him then
slam the door on the dog and growl and open and slam door, bounce balls just
out of reach of his tetherline, and then run into the dog's area and get
nipped cause the puppy wanted to "catch" the wild running target... when he
heard my husband say once more the dog goes.. well eventho.. I said do not
go into the dog's area till we can get him trained better... he just grinned
( hate to say sort of evil.. but) and went ahead and bounced his ball in
there and made a huge ordeal of how he got nipped... so now my daughter and
I lost our dog today...... I try to speak up when they do these mean
malicious things.. and I am told I am imagining it, or I should just ignore
it.... igggh... what a bad day... Even when I go out of my way or just
smother them with kindness the bio-mom starts new crap or the Stepdaughter
keeps up with her rant... The 11 yr old throws his clean clothes in the wash
rather than put them away and then throws a fit that I never do his
laundry... I called him on it, and he still insisted he wasn't lying... that
time I made my husband confront him on it.. but he still plays those kind of
games or "forgets" to bring clothes from his moms so I can do laundry at
10pm... OH gosh I sound awful... it just piles up, thanks Katy

[Vicki Robinson]

In a previous article, <Katy> said:

[a horrific tale of step-children deleted]

Katy, you don't say much about him, but I get the impression that your
husband doesn't believe you when you tell him these things, or he
believes you but he discounts the behavior or thinks you're
exaggerating. It also sounds like he just doesn't want to get
involved. Without his cooperation and backing I don't know what you
can do, other than simply refuse to let them come over (lock the door
and refuse to answer it if you have to) when he's not there, and, when
he is, make him *totally* responsble for their care, including their
laundry. (I'm not sure how you'd do that, or even if you really
should; it *sounds* satisfying, but I think it's probably not
realistic.)

Are they *totally* out of control, or could you get everyone to a
mediator to work out rules for coexistance. The mediator could help
you all work out the arrangments that you want, but won't tell you
what to do; a good mediator simply controls the process, making sure
that everyone gets heard and that no one is getting steamrolled. A
kind of referee, in a way, to keep the process fair. Everyone kind of
has to be reasonable or the mediator just doesn't allow the process to
go forward. That way, you and your husband and the kids all get your
say and jointly decide on rules to live by, producing a document that
everyone signs. Technically, it's enforceable in a court, although
somehow I don't see you taking your SS to court to force him to quit
putting his clean clothes in the laundry.

Can I suggest, too, that you quit doing the laundry at 10:00 PM if it
doesn't suit you? I know that the kids complain that you're "mean" to
the biomom, but I suspect that *whatever* you do, no matter how you
bend over backwards for them, they'll do that to you, so you might as
well assert yourself in your own home and let them know what will not
be tolerated. Let your husband know, too, that if they ignore your
rules that he can do their laundry and the other things you now do for
them.

Unless, however, you manage to get the support of your husband in
this, I'm afraid your options are limited. Kids know that if they can
divide, they can conquer, and your husband may be playing right into
their hands.

Vicki
--
Visit our wedding at http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/wedding.html and
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[SoccerStepMom]

Katy - As usual Vicki gave great advice. I tend to agree that the
problem seems to be with your husband and his reaction to his ex and the
kids. I also recall your earlier posts that he seems to treat your kids
differently than he treats his. Have you discussed this with him, or
sought conseling together? Please keep us posted. SSM

[jac...@myriad.net]

In article <6lf85c$qvo$1...@camel25.mindspring.com>,

<Katy> wrote:

>

>old issue, when my husband travels

> his teenage daughter always shows up unannounced with or without friends...

> and then no matter how nice I am to her she says I was mean to her...

> honestly I am not happy with the fact that I am not entitled to time alone

> with my two children when they can relax away from the step sibs, or have me

> to themselves, or maybe I have plans that do not include staying at home to

> ref, or make sure she doesnt do her tricks, ( smoking, having boys over, or

> ranting, or ransaking the desks for info for bio-mom)

Katy,

Why let her in? I mean no offense, really, I'm just curious as to why you
feel you have to let her intrude on your home and your privacy, just because
you're married to her father? Tell her that you're sorry, but you have
plans, and she'll have to return another time. Then sit back, relax, and
enjoy the time alone or with your own kids. They have a right to have your
undivided attention, too. And no, I don't think you're a bad stepmother,
sounds like you're doing everything you can for everyone but yourself. To
heck with them! Take care of yourself and your children *first*. Let DH
take care of his kids, and if he's gone, they should be, too.

>so now my daughter and

> I lost our dog today......

Amazing. DH can't even see what his children are doing to his other
children. Sounds like the step's are waaaayyy out of control.

>The 11 yr old throws his clean clothes in the wash

> rather than put them away and then throws a fit that I never do his

> laundry... I called him on it, and he still insisted he wasn't lying... that

> time I made my husband confront him on it.. but he still plays those kind of

> games or "forgets" to bring clothes from his moms so I can do laundry at

> 10pm...

Make him do it. If he forgets, or trashes his clothes, make him do the
laundry. You have a lot of better things to do than waiting on these kids
hand and foot, especially since they're so unappreciative. Put your foot
down, and tell him (the stepson) that if he wants clean clothes, he'll have
to do them himself. You're not available for laundry duty.

Sure, you'll probably get slammed for it, but you're getting slammed anyway,
so what's the difference? You deserve better than you're getting, Katy, and
so do your kids. Your daughter did not deserve to lose her dog. These steps
are raging out of control and someone has to rein them in. It's your house,
you need to establish the boundaries and protect your children.

It sounds like you're a great mom, and a very patient, loving stepmom. But
no one is taking care of you and your needs. It's time that you put yourself
first!

Good luck,

Lisa

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[janelaw]

Katy wrote:
>
> old issue, when my husband travels
> his teenage daughter always shows up unannounced with or without friends...

i see no reason why SD should have free rein of your house if
she is not visiting with dad. at this point, everyone knows she
is not coming over to bond with you. can't you just tell DH
that she can't come when he is not there? after all, this is
your home.

> ... so now my daughter and
> I lost our dog today...... I try to speak up when they do these mean
> malicious things.. and I am told I am imagining it, or I should just ignore
> it....

well this is really the crux of the matter, isn't it? if i were
you, i don't think i could stick it. did you say in an earlier
post that DH refused couples counseling? you really have to do
develop your ability to work with each other as a team. i am
sure you love each other, but the way things are going, you are
just going to have to split up. the frustration must be eating
you alive.

>... The 11 yr old throws his clean clothes in the wash

> rather than put them away and then throws a fit that I never do his
> laundry...

> .......or "forgets" to bring clothes from his moms so I can do laundry at
> 10pm...

well, this at least is easy to solve. have all children over 10
do their own laundry. once you teach them how, there really
isn't anything to it. if MY kids can do it, yours certainly
can. you may have to grit your teeth through some grey socks
and the inevitable red panties in the white wash. you may have
to remind them at first. but after they find they have to wear
their least favorite clothes to school a few times, they begin
to realize that the laundry does not do itself. it is a great
way to teach kids responsibility. it may even make SS think
twice before he yanks your chain again.

good luck.