Needing some advice
Theresa & William
Hello, everyone. My DH and I just found out we now have custody of his two
teens... here's the deal:
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I've met his daughter
(13) and his son (15) twice over this stretch of time because their mother
had custody of them and lived in a different state.
I'm currently pregnant with our second child together, and our son is two
years old. Will (my husband) found out that his ex-wife was killed in a car
accident a few days ago, and that we'll now have custody of the kids. I knew
the day would come when I'd be a parent to teens, but I had no idea it would
be this soon!
Anyways, his kids will be moving here in two weeks (good thing we no longer
live in an apartment!) and I was curious if anyone could give some advice to
someone who will be a step-mom to teens at the age of 26... especially teens
who will most likely be a bit bitter about having lost their mother.
Thanks a lot!!
Theresa
Vicki Robinson
A bit bitter? Try enraged, grieving and mortally angry to the bottoms of
their souls.
I'm sure that there are people here who can give you better advice than I
can, because I've never encountered circumstances even close to yours.
But I'll be willing to bet that you are in for a *very* tough couple of
years, anyway. You and your husband are going to have to have very clear
and close communication, and allow nothing to come between you. You
*have* to be a team, for the sake of your marriage, and or the sake of
your 4 children. Remember that your steps have had their entire lives
completely torn apart; they've lost their mother in a particularly awful
way, and now they are losing their friends, their home and their school.
They are coming into a household that is already well-established and in
which they have reason to doubt their welcome. And you have to anticipate
that you're going to resent their incursion. (This is not to say that you
won't welcome them; they may, however *expect* that you won't, and they'll
act on that assumption.) It wouldn't be human for you *not* to resent the
financial and emotional and material resources that they're going to eat
up.
Try to keep perspective on this; remember that it's not their fault, although
they will no doubt do things that are calculated to piss you off. Remember
that they've lost *everything*. Learn to count to ten. Let your husband do
the disciplining, make sure that he asserts your position as the female head
of the household and your right to respectful behavior (not affection, yet).
Make a mantra of the fact that, no matter how upset your life seems with
their arrival, theirs is even worse, especially because they don't have the
maturity to understand that all things pass and that the grief and loss that
they feel now won't last forever. Keep your sights set on the possibility
that you may form a terrific family later on, as their grief recedes and your
relationship with them grows. (Probably a different family than the one you
had envisioned, but this is the price of marrying a person with children.
Things happen.)
Remember that the greatest gift you can give to these kids right now is space
to feel their pain and get through it, a way to express their fear and anger
without punishment and a solid and dependable home life that they can rely
on, no matter how much they criticise it. (And they will. They've lost
everything they've known, and they're going to resent it that your life is
different. *Everything* you do will be "wrong" because it's not how Mom did
it. And they want, more than anything else, to have Mom back and everything
the way it was. And they'll take it out on you and your husband. It's not
fair, but it's going to happen, and you have to be adult enough to look past
the behavior to the cause. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior, of
course, but be gentle with them while you correct that behavior. They will
see it as "them against you," but you don't have to buy into that.)
I would also strongly recommend family counseling, for you and your husband
at least, and for the older kids too, if they'll go. Your household is going
to rate about a zillion on the stress scale; a new baby, your steps coming to
live with you, their grief and fury.... that's a huge burden for *any*
family.
Good luck to your and all your kids and your husband. This is going to be
awfully hard, but it can turn out better than you can expect!
Vicki
--
Vicki Robinson
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Dylan's Mom
Theresa,
I don't know your step-kids but don't you think grief-stricken would be a
better way of describing how they are feeling than bitter? Those children
are getting hit with a double whammy. First loosing THE most important
person in their lives - their mother, and second loosing the home they've
been growing up in. Please do all you can to make them feel 110% welcome
in your home - and then get them some counseling so that they have a
neutral outlet for expressing how these losses make them feel.--
It will probably be a bumpy transition for you too, but remember you are
the adult they are the kids. Try not to let jealousy and resentment creep
into you. It can happen to even the best of step moms. Rearrrange all
your normal weekly plans so that they include your new additions. Also
since you mentioned you are pregnant be sure to take care of yourself. The
teens can actually be a big help around the house to you.
Sit down with your husband and talk about their arrival. I would say the
most important Rule#1 for parents/stepparents - back each other up - you
must provide a united front for all the kids - if they divide you two you
will have a miserable go of it. This definately changes the whole makeup
of your family doesn't it? Good luck.
Teri....@Compaq.com
Theresa & William <sp...@not.com> wrote in article
<6lddb6$1...@sjx-ixn11.ix.netcom.com>...
> Hello, everyone. My DH and I just found out we now have custody of his
two
> teens... here's the deal:
>
> My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I've met his daughter
> (13) and his son (15) twice over this stretch of time because their
mother
> had custody of them and lived in a different state.
>
> I'm currently pregnant with our second child together, and our son is two
> years old. Will (my husband) found out that his ex-wife was killed in a
car
> accident a few days ago, and that we'll now have custody of the kids. I
knew
> the day would come when I'd be a parent to teens, but I had no idea it
would
> be this soon!
>
> Anyways, his kids will be moving here in two weeks (good thing we no
longer
> live in an apartment!) and I was curious if anyone could give some advice
to
> someone who will be a step-mom to teens at the age of 26... especially
teens
> who will most likely be a bit bitter about having lost their mother.
>
> Thanks a lot!!
>
> Theresa
>
>
>
janelaw
Theresa & William wrote:
>
> My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I've met his daughter
> (13) and his son (15) twice over this stretch of time because their mother
> had custody of them and lived in a different state.
>
> I'm currently pregnant with our second child together, and our son is two
> years old. Will (my husband) found out that his ex-wife was killed in a car
> accident a few days ago, and that we'll now have custody of the kids.
OMG! I can't tell you the horror I felt when I read your
situation. I wouldn't even want to be pregnant with a two year
old!
Once my heart stopped racing in empathy, I realized that you
have a lot going for you.
- First, and maybe most important, you are seeking answers and
support. You are thoughtful and caring enough to prepare for
the children before they arrive. I strongly recommend reading
some books on children and grief, parenting teens, and
step-parenting.
- Since you have kid(s) of your own, you have parenting
experience. You know how to love and care for children.
Actually, a two year old is good, because there are distinct
similarities between toddlers and teens.
- Even tho BM's death was unexpected, you and Will were already
preparing for a major change and new arrival in your life.
- You are mature enough to put others' interests before your
own, yet young enough to have the flexibility and resilience to
adjust to this new challenge.
- You have been married long enough to have built a solid
relationship and base of cooperation with your husband.
- Brutal as this sounds, BM's death has a silver lining. All of
you are equal in having to deal with the problems of your
situation. None of you caused it. None of you wanted it. You
all have to deal with it as a team. Also, you will not have to
deal with friction between the two households, an issue that can
absolutely torture steps.
- Your newly resident children have not had enough contact with
you to have any deeply entrenched patterns of resentful
behavior. You can start fresh.
- Since you are much younger, the contrast between you and BM is
diminished. Obviously, you will never replace her or even live
up to her ghost. But you can still be an anchor and a source of
loving, acceptance and support.
- You can provide the children with a new family member to
love. New life can help ease the pain of death.
I absolutely, totally agree that you should get counseling,
especially for the kids. The stress of losing a parent is
phenomenal, and these kids just have to feel like they are
losing their whole lives. Besides, since BM died suddenly, the
kids are pretty much guaranteed to regrets and other unfinished
business with her.
Theresa & William
>I don't know your step-kids but don't you think grief-stricken would be a
>better way of describing how they are feeling than bitter?
I was kinda in a hurry to leave, so I would've expounded if I could. I lost
my mother at 18 due to a similar incident, which was just as difficult, so
yes, grief-stricken, utterly depressed, absolutely lost and confused, and
tear-laden would've been better descriptive words. Sorry.
>Sit down with your husband and talk about their arrival. I would say the
>most important Rule#1 for parents/stepparents - back each other up - you
>must provide a united front for all the kids - if they divide you two you
>will have a miserable go of it. This definately changes the whole makeup
>of your family doesn't it? Good luck.
Yeah... Will and I have decided that the only way we're gonna be able to do
this is by making sure our communication skills as husband and wife are
always running at 200%.
As a quick update, Will talked to this kids while at work the other day. It
seems that they are accepting this better than expected. Jeff, his 15 y/o
son, is not quite so thrilled about having a young stepmom (pregnant, at
that) and a 2 y/o half-brother. His sister, however, feels a little
differently (possibly the age) and is somewhat excited about meeting her
little half-brother and getting to know me better.
Thanks to everyone for your replies!
Theresa