Tearing my hair out with SS
shrinky
SS.
He, in himself is not a problem - his behaviour is generally acceptable
and he has made a lot of adjustments to dealing with step - life.
My issue is with the fact that he finds it hard to be himself - he acts to
please all of the time. So, I don't know what is him and what is pleasing
- a good recent example is when I found out (after 2 yrs!) that he doesn't
like pasta. Silly I know - but the fact that he has held this untruth for
so long really upsets me.
The pasta thing is one detail in a long list of details.
The other problem I have - related to this - is being myself with the boy.
Because I don't know who or what he is...how do I be me???
Now, I've read all the theories about these issues being a reflection of
my issues and I'll buy that. But why is demanding an unhypocritical life
so troublesome?
I also understand that the life he leads with his mother (who is the total
opposite to me in every way) is very different and 'easy' with very few
demands and very little encouragement - or even conversation.
Someone tell me I'm sane!!!
Thanks
Shrinky.
jane
> But why is demanding an unhypocritical life
>so troublesome?
>
>Thanks
>Shrinky.
It's all relative. This isn't one of your sanest areas. The kid doesn't like
you or trust you or something you enough to open up. He's keeping you at a
distance. It's not something to lose sleep over; it's a common technique kids
use to deal with their parents' divorces.
But if you're looking at him not mentioning that he doesn't like pasta as an
"untruth" and you have compiled a long list of such transgressions, you're not
providing an environment that is likely to lead him to open up more.
jane
shrinky
Thanks for your comments.
I realise that I have difficulty keeping all of this in perspective - it
is a difficult time for me in relation to other things on my life right
now.
Just letting it all get on top of me.
Good to have it confirmed that it is me though.
August
"shrinky" <mer...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:47c63f3cc4e5600a...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> My DH and I have been married for 9 months and I have inherited a 10yr old
> SS.
>
> He, in himself is not a problem - his behaviour is generally acceptable
> and he has made a lot of adjustments to dealing with step - life.
>
> My issue is with the fact that he finds it hard to be himself - he acts to
> please all of the time. So, I don't know what is him and what is pleasing
> - a good recent example is when I found out (after 2 yrs!) that he doesn't
> like pasta. Silly I know - but the fact that he has held this untruth for
> so long really upsets me.
What comes to mind to me is that he has held his tongue for so long...not
feeling able to tell you something so simple as that he doesnt like pasta.
Now that you know, you should use the opportunity to let him know that he
Could have told you all along. That life with mom may be different than
life with you but that is ok.
> The pasta thing is one detail in a long list of details.
>
> The other problem I have - related to this - is being myself with the boy.
> Because I don't know who or what he is...how do I be me???
If you are afraid he is holding back then you should question him
constantly. Ask if he really does want this or really does not want to do
that. Ask if he really is ok with this or if he really does have a problem
with that. Let him know that you want him to be able to be himself and be
honest with you so that you can both be comfortable with each other.
Use the pasta thing as a silly example of how you were both not being
yourself...him by pretending he didnt have a problem with it and you by
thinking you were fixing him a nice meal.... and let him know that you are a
safe person for him to be with, and you have his best interests at heart.
~August
Tracey
shrinky wrote:
> Now, I've read all the theories about these issues being a reflection of
> my issues and I'll buy that. But why is demanding an unhypocritical life
> so troublesome?
You know, reading this reminds me of DH. From all of our many talks
about this subject, what it comes down to is, from his perspective,
the aftermath of expressing a negative opinion or disagreement with
something was something to be avoided *at all costs* for him. It
took quite a few years for him to get comfortable enough to even
express an opinion about which restaurant he would like to go to,
fer Pete's sake. And where did that come from? From his exes who
would pout or be angry if he happened to pick the 'wrong' restaurant.
So, when I said 'I don't care', he never heard 'I don't care', what
he heard was 'I don't care as long as you pick the right restaurant.
If you don't, then I surely WILL care.' So he refused to pick.
There were other areas where this came out with DH and that's why
your post reminded me of him. What I found did the most good and
finally has gotten him to the post where he's not so worried about
my reaction that he won't express an opinion or tell me what he
*really* thinks about something is to keep my reactions neutral
and accepting of his opinions. As an example, when he calls during
the day and mentions that he would like spaghetti that day, unless
I've already started cooking something or I would have to make
a special trip to the store to get the stuff I need and I just don't
feel like making the trip, my reaction will be 'Well, I've already
started cooking/got meat thawed out for X/we don't have the stuff
today but I will make it tomorrow night, okay?' Or, if I know that
he's not particularly fond of the meal I'm cooking tonight, I will
say something like 'I know this isn't your favorite, but I'm going
to make one of your favorites tomorrow night.'
This kind of behavior that you're describing sometimes sounds great
to people on the outside of it. In fact, the first couple of years,
I thought DH and I were sooooo on the same page about everything.
But we weren't. Until he learned that I didn't go ballistic every
time or that it wouldn't turn into a long drawn out discussion when
we did disagree, we only had a faux simpatico relationship. Since
he's been able to express his true opinions, sure, we've had more
arguments and disagreements, but at least we have a 'realer' rela-
tionship.
Tracey
shrinky
A long conversation with my SS revealed that the reason why he felt he had
to please us so much is because that is the way he continues life 'in the
other world' that he lives in.
SS made a worrying confesion - that he was scared of BM. Apparently - if
he expresses any kind of opinion that doesn't please her, she has a big
'go' at him - and actually pouts and begs until she gets her way - life
for him is easier if he goes along with everything.
However, it was also a huge back handed compliment - he doesn't feel so
concerned about being himself here any more - hence the uncovering of the
'untruth'.
Nice to know it wasn't me after all lol!
However, a new worry. Well, not a new worry but fact found out.
SS said in no uncertain terms that 'he knows he will need us more when he
is older' but that 'for now, he will do anything for a quiet life with
her'.
Problem is this - in the meantime - we are always treated as second class
to BM and SS admits this. DH and I are now ready to move on and start our
own family.
What if, by the time SS 'wants us' - we have our own lives so completely
that there isn't room for him?
By pushing us away now - I'm so afraid that I won't want him when he's
ready. He is aware of this.
What should we do?
Any advice would be welcome....
Vicki Robinson
>Problem is this - in the meantime - we are always treated as second class
>to BM and SS admits this. DH and I are now ready to move on and start our
>own family.
>What if, by the time SS 'wants us' - we have our own lives so completely
>that there isn't room for him?
>By pushing us away now - I'm so afraid that I won't want him when he's
>ready. He is aware of this.
>
>What should we do?
You have TOTAL control over this. Having your own life so completely
that there isn't room for SS is a *choice* that you make, not
something that is imposed upon you, that you helplessly must accept.
Just don't let it happen. You see him frequently, recognize that he's
as much your husband's child as any child you have with him, with
exactly the same claim upon his time, interest and money.
By the way, how is SS aware of the fact that you might not have room
for him when he's ready?
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton