Found drugs in 12 year old's room
Michael R. Martin
paper he had rolled into the shape of cigerattes and burning, cigerattes
that I think he took while my husband's friends were visiting, and a roach
(unfortunately, not a bug).
This is a 12 year old boy who, in my opinion, has not had the easiest of
lives. He lived with my husband's parents until he was 7 when he moved in
with us. His bio-mom had been in and out of his life (more out than in)
until last Spring when she actually started visiting on a regular basis and
has even managed to stay in his life.
I know the mother smokes pot. His dad had, but hasn't since before the kid
moved in with us.
So, my question is this -- how do you handle this situation? I know some
folks figure pot is no big deal, but I consider it a big deal when he's only
12.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Cindy Martin
sha...@mvp.net
hu...@mindless.com
http://mvp.net/~shadow/
St.John, Missouri 63114
A member of the "HTML Writers Guild"
A day's not complete without getting into a little "trouble".
Lisa
I have a 13-year-old stepson who has not had an easy life. We are
bracing for this moment but since it hasn't come yet have no words of
wisdom.
This is what I've read:
It's true that at 12 this is a big deal. Drug use (including tobacco
and alcohol) at this age is correlated to other rule- and law-breaking,
as well as early sexual acticity, within six months to a year.
What I've read is that by this age "It's more important to listen than
to talk." I have no idea how I would put that into practice, other than
to say, or have my husband say, "I found this in your room. What's
going on?" I remember my parents' refusing to notice trouble, and I
remember feeling let down by that.
Do you have a sense of what's motivating your stepson to use pot, or
hang out with people who do? Is it needing a role in life and choosing
"bad boy?" Is it a need to be like biomom? Is it a way of
self-medicating depression or anxiety?
What's your relationship like, otherwise?
I hope you will post how things go, because (a) I wish you well and (b)
I hope to learn from your experiences.
Good luck.
Lisa
Cindy Martin wrote:
<snip finding the roach & papers, biomom mostly out till last spring>
J Hall
the tobacco into a roll-up to mimic what he might have seen an adult do
(still not good I admit, but slightly better)? Had the "joint" actually
been smoked? If you are sure, then the biggest question I would be asking
is where he got the stuff from. I would have a quiet but understanding talk
with him about it and see what transpires. I think you have to make sure
that when people visit the house, their cigarettes are put out of harms way
when the lad is around.
Good luck, sounds like he has a good stepmum who's looking to help him and
not just punish/discipline.
Jayne
Michael R. Martin wrote in message ...
>I was looking for something in my stepson's room this morning and found
>paper he had rolled into the shape of cigerattes and burning, cigerattes
>that I think he took while my husband's friends were visiting, and a roach
>(unfortunately, not a bug).
>This is a 12 year old boy who, in my opinion, has not had the easiest of
>lives. He lived with my husband's parents until he was 7 when he moved in
>with us. His bio-mom had been in and out of his life (more out than in)
>until last Spring when she actually started visiting on a regular basis and
>has even managed to stay in his life.
>I know the mother smokes pot. His dad had, but hasn't since before the kid
>moved in with us.
>So, my question is this -- how do you handle this situation? I know some
>folks figure pot is no big deal, but I consider it a big deal when he's
only
>12.
>Any suggestions would be appreciated.
>
>Cindy Martin
JED51
you don't confront it and let him know its wrong and you won't tolerate it,
you may find something stronger the next time. Those who say marijuana does
not lead to harder drugs are fooling themselves. The kids often buy from
the same individuals selling harder drugs. Marijuana lowers their
inhibition to harder drugs because they think I can handle pot so I can
handle the next drug. Marijuana also affects concentration, judgment,
memory and physical coordination. You can expect school performance to
decline if the child begins to smoke pot regularly. You are an adult and
the guardian, the child's protector, you must have the guts to make the
harder choices and draw a line in the sand that this type of behavior will
not be tolerated. Talk calmly, honestly and frankly with the child and by
all means find out who is supplying him and report them to the police.
Failure to address this issue now will only cause it to grow. Believe me,
you don't want to get a phone call in the middle of the night from someone
like me that your son has been arrested, or even worse, hurt or killed. You
have the chance to intervene when the child is young enough to listen.
Don't waste the opportunity.
Jim D.
twh...@commonlink.net
"Michael R. Martin" <sha...@mvp.net> wrote:
<snip>
> So, my question is this -- how do you handle this situation? I know some
> folks figure pot is no big deal, but I consider it a big deal when he's only
> 12.
> Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Of course "pot is [a] big deal", especially at the age of 12 and especially
because it is illegal.
Now is the time for your husband, your stepson and you to define what
the limits are for the use of nicotine, alcohol and drugs, yes, even pot.
Agree to limits and what the consequences will be if he breaks those
limits. Not punishment, consequences.
If you would like a source for information to help you talk to him and to
define and set those limits you can e-mail me.
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Ron J Low
>I know the mother smokes pot.
Talk to the mom. I'd tell her that if you ever find out she lit up where he
could see it or smell it you'll do everything and anything you can to erase her
from his life.
Talk to the kid. Tell him you're sorry for the perception of snooping. I'd
tell him if you discover any of his crowd to be users you'll do everything you
can to erase them from his life, up to and including military school.
Borrow and review together some books or videos which demonstrate the physical
damage from smoking, and from chemical abuses.
I think I know my kid. She, like me, would never for a second consider
ingesting something unhealthful. If I made this same sort of discovery in her
room, I would be so shocked that I would immediately take off work and book a
trip for the two of us to some remote wilderness. We would stay there until I
was sure I knew the real her, and I was sure she knew where I stood on this.
To me, this is not about a kid's willingness to break the law. I am in favor
of the legalization of recreational drugs. I am in favor of education.
- Ron Low
----------------------
Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
----------------------
RJ...@mcimail.com [checked more frequently than AOL]
non-commercial e-mail always welcome
Allow 2 days for replies
janelaw
>
> I was looking for something in my stepson's room this morning and found
> paper he had rolled into the shape of cigerattes and burning, cigerattes
> that I think he took while my husband's friends were visiting, and a roach
> (unfortunately, not a bug).
> This is a 12 year old boy who, in my opinion, has not had the easiest of
> lives. He lived with my husband's parents until he was 7 when he moved in
> with us. His bio-mom had been in and out of his life (more out than in)
> until last Spring when she actually started visiting on a regular basis and
> has even managed to stay in his life.
> I know the mother smokes pot. His dad had, but hasn't since before the kid
> moved in with us.
> folks figure pot is no big deal, but I consider it a big deal when he's only
> 12.
> Any suggestions would be appreciated.
>
>
Did you talk to him about it yet?
IME most kids lie. Sometimes, the threat a of drug test
encourages them to reevaluate their position. It's a tough
call, tho, because in your case it sounds like SS may actually
not be smoking pot. It sounds to me as though he has seen pot
at mom's or elsewhere and is experimenting with rolling, etc.
He could easily have just picked up the roach from an ashtray at
mom's. I think he is trying to figure this thing out. In any
event, I couldn't tell unless I talked to him.
Mom is a key figure here. You really should discuss this with
her. She deserves to know. You deserve to know her position,
too. Even if she smokes herself, she probably would consider
this a big deal. If my child were drinking alcohol, I would
consider it a big deal. Besides, if he's stealing her pot, she
needs to improve security. Do you think you, BM, BD and SS can
all sit down to discuss the issue? If SS left his little stash
where you could find it, there is a good chance he wants to talk
about it. Working in cooperation is best, if it is possible. I
would not threaten/alienate her at this point.
I'm not a big "pot is the first step to heroin" person, and I
don't believe that people who deal heroin, crack, or crank
usually bother selling pot at the same time. Still, it is
illegal, and you don't want your kids to get into the habit of
breaking the law at age 12. I generally explain to the kids
that there are many choices that adults make that teens do not.
When they are a little more mature, they can make the decision
for themselves.
For me, pot is pretty much in the same category as beer, except
that it is illegal. So I have a hard time explaining why they
shouldn't do it when they are grown. I don't believe it is
particularly bad for your health. Also, I never particularly
liked smoking pot, so it doesn't seem threatening to me. I
still don't understand why alcohol is legal and pot is not. I
have several friends who have been smoking pot for over 20
years. Their main problems seem to be drug testing for jobs and
explaining it to their teens.
I hope someone else can be of more help.
Kim Miller
must explain what are the evils of pot as far as causing physical defects
ect, then you let him that pot leads to more seious drugs and this is what
you are worried about but the most important you must make him aware of is
peer pressure! Find out if he is doing the drugs because his friends think
it is cool. My guess is that most 12yr olds are influenced by peer
pressure and what you have to do is tell him about peer pressure and teach
him to overcome it.
The classic example is "if johhny jumped off a bridge would you jump too",
he will probably say no. If you teach these two things he will have the
tools to make up his own mind about the pot smoking.
It is very important that he decide for himself that smoking pot is wrong,
you can not make this decision for him, all you can do is give him the
facts. I am not saying you should allow him to smoke it, he should
absolutely know how you feel about it and let him know that it is not
welcome in your house.
I think at 12 if you present this correctly without getting too upset he
will see your point of view. My guess is he is attention seeking and this
is a good way to get attention from so called friends.
Good Luck
Kim Miller
Michael R. Martin <sha...@mvp.net> wrote in article
<fuDH1.61$d6.15...@typhoon.stlnet.com>...
I was looking for something in my stepson's room this morning and found
paper he had rolled into the shape of cigerattes and burning, cigerattes
that I think he took while my husband's friends were visiting, and a roach
(unfortunately, not a bug).
This is a 12 year old boy who, in my opinion, has not had the easiest of
lives. He lived with my husband's parents until he was 7 when he moved in
with us. His bio-mom had been in and out of his life (more out than in)
until last Spring when she actually started visiting on a regular basis and
has even managed to stay in his life.
I know the mother smokes pot. His dad had, but hasn't since before the kid
moved in with us.
So, my question is this -- how do you handle this situation? I know some
folks figure pot is no big deal, but I consider it a big deal when he's
only
12.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Cindy Martin
sz...@my-dejanews.com
12-year-old being found with marijuana in his room. I am here to contrast the
law enforcement view with my view. It is my view that the L.E. view, while
perhaps well-intended, might compound substance abuse issues in the future. I
hope that interested parents read and learn something.
> Meet this head on. I am a police officer with 18 years of experience. If
> you don't confront it and let him know its wrong and you won't tolerate it,
> you may find something stronger the next time. Those who say marijuana does
> not lead to harder drugs are fooling themselves. The kids often buy from
> the same individuals selling harder drugs.
DEFINITELY meet this head on. This is a parent-child issue. However,
I must point out to you (the police officer), that the reason why kids often
buy pot from the same individuals selling harder drugs is because your
colleagues treat marijuana legally the same as harder drugs, with the same
penalties. The "gateway drug" effect in this case is caused by the policies
*YOU* enforce. I am a psychologist with ten years experience studying the
drug issue, and have some issues with your advice, and some reservations
about the quality of your advice.
> Marijuana lowers their
> inhibition to harder drugs because they think I can handle pot so I can
> handle the next drug.
I don't know if "lowers the inhibitions" is the most transparent term
you could use. As a point of fact, marijuana IS indeed a gateway drug, but
for reasons you may not be willing to recognize. Children are told that
marijuana is extremely dangerous drug, physically addicting, and physically
damaging. When children try the drug, or perhaps do other "research" on their
own, they often find that other ppl (children or adults) can plainly smoke
marijuana without ill effects or demonstrating addictive behaviors.
This sets up a problem in the childs mind. They say to themselves, "if what
was told to me about marijuana was an exaggeration, could the same be true of
other drugs (say, heroin)?" This tactic of telling children that marijuana
is more dangerous than it actually is what is known as a 'prophylactic lie,'
meaning you attempt to protect the child by essentially lying. This is
another major contributing factor in the so-called "gateway drug" effect. So
to the parents: be careful. Be truthful, and be firm about your values.
Emphasize that they are children and you are their parents, and this is not a
choice they are allowed to make in your house. Trying to scare them about
marijuana might cause more problems than it cures, however, for the reasons
just stated.
> Marijuana also affects concentration, judgment,
> memory and physical coordination. You can expect school performance to
> decline if the child begins to smoke pot regularly.
If smoking pot is picked up and acted out as part of a larger pattern
of rebelliousness, you may in fact see a variety of negative 'acting out'
behaviors. Keep in mind that rebelliousness is the issue here, and a
psychologist may be helpful. I sincerely doubt (as the policeman suggests)
that marijuana use is the 'cause' of poor academic performance. Don't
misunderstand. I think that no minor child should be drinking, using tobacco,
or any other drugs. I think the policeman finishes fairly well (see below).
> You are an adult and
> the guardian, the child's protector, you must have the guts to make the
> harder choices and draw a line in the sand that this type of behavior will
> not be tolerated. Talk calmly, honestly and frankly with the child and by
> all means find out who is supplying him and report them to the police.
> Failure to address this issue now will only cause it to grow. Believe me,
> you don't want to get a phone call in the middle of the night from someone
> like me that your son has been arrested, or even worse, hurt or killed. You
> have the chance to intervene when the child is young enough to listen.
> Don't waste the opportunity.
> Jim D.
To the parents: I believe most of the above is correct. Busting other kids
to make an example, though, seems a bit extreme. Take care of your kid. This
will be a good learning experience for the both of you if it is handled
correctly, firmly, and (IMPORTANT) without hysteria.
sz...@my-dejanews.com
> The first thing you have to do is sit down with the child one on one, you
> must explain what are the evils of pot as far as causing physical defects
> ect, then you let him that pot leads to more seious drugs and this is what
> you are worried about but the most important you must make him aware of is
> peer pressure!
This is going to cause more problems than it cures. Telling a kid
that marijuana causes physical defects is unsupportable either through casual
observation or serious research. You risk the dangers of a prophylactic lie
when you do this, and the child discovering the lie. When the child discovers
you lie about marijuana, the child will say to himself, "if my parents lied
to me about pot, then they must be lying about heroin!" You wouldn't want any
child to come to that conclusion.
> Find out if he is doing the drugs because his friends think
> it is cool. My guess is that most 12yr olds are influenced by peer
> pressure and what you have to do is tell him about peer pressure and teach
> him to overcome it.
My experience is that most children experiment with drugs because
they are desperate to discover who they are, they are searching for their
identities and for the moment, have gotten distracted. As parents you are
there to lead them back to the correct path.
> The classic example is "if johhny jumped off a bridge would you jump too",
> he will probably say no. If you teach these two things he will have the
> tools to make up his own mind about the pot smoking.
Well, this is an old standby. I am relatively sure most 12-year-olds have
heard this one before.
> It is very important that he decide for himself that smoking pot is wrong,
> you can not make this decision for him, all you can do is give him the
> facts. I am not saying you should allow him to smoke it, he should
> absolutely know how you feel about it and let him know that it is not
> welcome in your house.
Good advice. Just make sure you get your facts straight.
> I think at 12 if you present this correctly without getting too upset he
> will see your point of view. My guess is he is attention seeking and this
> is a good way to get attention from so called friends.
Maybe, maybe not. Just make the rules of the house clear, and things should
improve. If not, see if the child is having any other problems, like excessive
rebelliousness. And if so, perhaps counselling is in order.