Just need to talk
Pitt892
Hello,
I have been on this newsgroup for a few months now and find it very helpful at
times. I have been living with my boyfriend and his 13 yr. old son for over a
year now. We knew each other for little over a year before I moved in. We are
planning to get married. I do not have any children of my own. One of my
concerns is with feeling like I come second in my boyfriend's life. The hard
part is I guess that I actually am second because his son was here before me.
I love my boyfriend but I must confess that I would prefer if the son was not
around.
I really like it when he goes to his mothers on the weekend and during the
summer. It's like a whole different lifestyle in our house. I love it. The
son is a nice kid but I just don't want to be bothered with him. I get tired of
having to deal with issues that revolve around the child, for example, did he
do his chores, did he do his homework, checking homework, did he eat, did he
clean his room, does he have clean clothes to wear, etc.
As I write these things I realize that they are not that big, but when you are
use to being able to come home and kick back all of these things are a pain in
the butt to do. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about my relationship
because I feel embarassed for feeling/thinking this way. I love my boyfriend
and he is a beutiful person with a big heart, and I really don't want to get
out of the relationship, but I often admit that if I had to do it all again I
would not get involved with someone who has a child/teenager. Perhaps it would
be better if I came into the picture when the son was a baby. I really don't
know. Anyway, thanks in advance for listening.
SoccerStepMom
Please don't marry this man if you continue to feel this way about
having his son around. It will only get worse, and you and the son will
end up doing stupid things to compete for your boyfriend's attention,
you will feel unloved/unappreciated, and the poor man will feel torn
between the very valid needs of the two people he loves most.
As a childless stepmom, I understand the disappointment in realizing
that his kids will always come first in his heart and responsibility.
But if you can't get past that and still feel loved and fulfilled, then
you want a different man. The child deserves and needs to be the center
of his Dad's world.
The difference in my case is that I really like having the boys (8 and
11) around the house. They love and respect me, and I am very much a
part of our family life together when they are here (which is most of
the time, as my husband has primary custody). I miss them when they are
with their Mom. We get enough private time after the kids are in bed
and when they are with Mom. It sounds as though you want more "alone"
time than your boyfriend's current obligations permit.
As long as you see the son as an impediment to your having the
relationship with his Dad that you want, you are in a no-win situation.
If you can't get OK with the son, then find a new man. Regards, SSM
Michael
> I love my boyfriend but I must confess that I would prefer if the son was
not
> around.
> I really like it when he goes to his mothers on the weekend and during
the
> summer. It's like a whole different lifestyle in our house. I love it.
The
> son is a nice kid but I just don't want to be bothered with him. I get
tired of
> having to deal with issues that revolve around the child, for example,
did he
> do his chores, did he do his homework, checking homework, did he eat, did
he
> clean his room, does he have clean clothes to wear, etc.
I have a son who is almost 6 and I have a girlfriend, though we've only
been together for 5 months. They know each other but that's about it at
the time. -just thought I'd give you some background.
I have my son every weekend, but this last month he spent a number of those
weekends with his mom-and though I'm almost ashamed to say it, it was kinda
nice. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and want the best for him. I
liked having the freedom to do whatever I wanted. So you are not alone and
your boyfriend may just feel the same way sometimes.
As for the coming in second-that's bad. I had a girlfriend/fiancée that I
put second. I loved her with every bit of my heart, but she knew she was
never as important as my son. Today I regret that and would not do that
again. There are times that my son comes first, there are times my
girlfriend comes first, and there are times that I come first. It's a
balancing act.
Good luck, I'd be happy to talk further if you'd like.
Michael
Dylan's Mom
You are in a difficult situation. Dealing with any teenager can be
difficult. I think you should back off marrying this man. I also think
you would be a lot happier if you didn't live with him. You don't have any
business planning a marriage with a man where "The son is a nice kid but I
just don't want to be bothered with him" is your attitude toward the boy.--
Try putting yourself in his sons shoes. Children know when they aren't
wanted. Imagine having you family torn apart by divorce and only beling
able to live with 1 of the parents you love then here comes this intruder
into your life with your dad and clearly she wishes you weren't there. How
fair is that? You should move out until you are able to accept and care
about what happens with this boy or until he is 18 years old. Remember you
are the adult and he is the child.
Teri....@Compaq.com
Pitt892 <pit...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199806050302...@ladder03.news.aol.com>...
Pitt892
I belive that what I was looking for was some sort of right answer, and
unfortnately for me there is no right answer as to how to act or feel in this
type of situation. The beauty is that everyone handles it differently. It was
good to hear that there are a few, who can admit to some of the same feelings
that I have. And for those of you who seem to have the ideal step-family, then
congratulations. I am glad that you are making it work.
Thanks again for the feedback. Of course some of it left me feeling worse than
before. I must admit that I am not sure if I want to talk about it any more.
It's a wierd feeling having complete strangers tell you that you are wrong w/
who knows how many other folks listening in. But hey, you have to be ready
for the positive and the negative. :-)
I will continue to deal with this on my own.
Best of luck to all of you.
Thanks again.
janelaw
Pitt892 wrote:
>
>
> I love my boyfriend but I must confess that I would prefer if the son was not
> around.
> I really like it when he goes to his mothers on the weekend and during the
> summer. It's like a whole different lifestyle in our house. I love it.
the kids and and have a few days alone with your mate, or even
yourself.
The
> son is a nice kid but I just don't want to be bothered with him. I get tired of
> having to deal with issues that revolve around the child, for example, did he
> do his chores, did he do his homework, checking homework, did he eat, did he
> clean his room, does he have clean clothes to wear, etc.
>
It's hard to become a parent. I really think it takes your
entire pregnancy to prepare for it, and even then I certainly
didn't feel ready. Then there is this period of all consuming
need during infancy. So those of us who raised a child since
birth have a different perspective. Compared to those early
days when the child was the focus of every second, we have much
more freedom. You, on the other hand, have less freedom and
more responsibility. And you never got a chance to build that
protective parenting bond when SS was young and helpless.
Don't stop talking about how you feel. It is so much easier for
me to cope if I admit how I feel. Kids may be the greatest joy
life has to offer. That does not mean that they are not a lot
of trouble and work. Sometimes they are just a huge pain in the
butt.
Miriam Mann
In article <199806050302...@ladder03.news.aol.com>,
pit...@aol.com (Pitt892) wrote:
> Hello,
>
> I have been on this newsgroup for a few months now and find it very helpful at
> times. I have been living with my boyfriend and his 13 yr. old son for
over a
> year now. We knew each other for little over a year before I moved in.
We are
> planning to get married. I do not have any children of my own. One of my
> concerns is with feeling like I come second in my boyfriend's life. The hard
> part is I guess that I actually am second because his son was here before me.
>
> I love my boyfriend but I must confess that I would prefer if the son was not
> around.
> I really like it when he goes to his mothers on the weekend and during the
> summer. It's like a whole different lifestyle in our house. I love it. The
> son is a nice kid but I just don't want to be bothered with him. I get
tired of
> having to deal with issues that revolve around the child, for example, did he
> do his chores, did he do his homework, checking homework, did he eat, did he
> clean his room, does he have clean clothes to wear, etc.
>
> As I write these things I realize that they are not that big, but when you are
> use to being able to come home and kick back all of these things are a pain in
> the butt to do. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about my relationship
> because I feel embarassed for feeling/thinking this way. I love my boyfriend
> and he is a beutiful person with a big heart, and I really don't want to get
> out of the relationship, but I often admit that if I had to do it all again I
> would not get involved with someone who has a child/teenager. Perhaps
it would
> be better if I came into the picture when the son was a baby. I really don't
> know. Anyway, thanks in advance for listening.
A simply philosophy to follow. "The couple should have a primary
relationship that always comes first." Then the most important
responsibility that the couple has should be the children. This does not
mean that the "needs" of a child do not come first on occasion. It simply
means the first and most important relationship in the home should be the
couple. (See Love and Logic:Secrets of Step-Parenting).
lilblakdog
Pitt892 <pit...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199806052257...@ladder03.news.aol.com>...
> I belive that what I was looking for was some sort of right answer, and
> unfortnately for me there is no right answer as to how to act or feel in
this
> type of situation. The beauty is that everyone handles it differently.
>
> ...
>
> Thanks again for the feedback. Of course some of it left me feeling
worse than
> before. I must admit that I am not sure if I want to talk about it any
more.
> It's a wierd feeling having complete strangers tell you that you are
wrong w/
> who knows how many other folks listening in.
>
> ...
>
> I will continue to deal with this on my own.
I think this is kind of sad. We see so many people come in here, looking
for the glittery, golden key to the secret of step-parenthood. Then when
they realize that we're just a bunch of people with the same problems as
they have and that there is no easy answer, they decide that we couldn't
possibly be any real help and decide to plod on on their own. It's
especially sad in this woman's case, because she's headed on the road to
certain disaster.
Pitt892, if you're still out there, please believe that you are not "wrong"
for feeling the way you do. You have the right to all of your own feelings
and nobody can tell you that you're wrong for having them. However, it
would be wrong to continue this relationship until you are comfortable with
the idea of being a step-parent.
Sometimes partners are quick to give you your "freedom". They tell you
that you have the power to decide how involved you want to be with the
child. But that's not really true. The key part of step-parent is
"parent." Whether you like it or not, you became a parent to this child
the minute you decided to enter its life on a full-time basis. It doesn't
matter that you haven't married your fiance. That child knows that you are
now a member of his family in a very important position; you are one of his
parents. This puts you under the keenest microscope in the world--your
child's. Everything you do and everything you say will affect this child.
If you are not ready for that kind of pressure and responsibility, you need
to take a step back. As you said, that child was there first and he is not
leaving. You do not have to love him or even like him but you do have to
commit yourself to his well-being, and part of that is not making him feel
like a nuisance in his own home.
Perhaps your fiance could take over some of the things that you mentioned
but it sounds to me like you're simply not ready for the responsibility of
children. There's nothing wrong with that, except that you have one.
However, as you have no bond with him of any kind, you have the option of
saying that this is not what you want in your life and taking a step back.
I am sure that you love your fiance very much, but you have to decide
whether or not you love your freedom more. The longer you sit on the
fence, the more emotional damage you will do to all three of you.
Please do not be so quick to discredit the value of a support group. I
didn't like most of the advice I got the first time I posted a problem, but
I know for a fact that I am a much better parent for the support I've
received from this group.
lil
Mayhem3425
>having his son around. It will only get worse, and you and the son will
>end up doing stupid things to compete for your boyfriend's attention,
>you will feel unloved/unappreciated, and the poor man will feel torn
>between the very valid needs of the two people he loves most.
>
>
Well, maybe. But the truth is that any parent -- step or bio -- has exasperated
moments. Being a parent is a draining experience. I love my kids and treasure
our time together -- but I can't help heaving a sigh of relief when they head
back to their mom's. I'm going to miss them -- but my life is going to be a lot
easier, a lot less stressful when they aren't around. On Monday after dinner
I'll sprawl on the sofa, crack open a beer and watch a baseball game without a
care in the world. And then I'll cry a little on Monday night when I look at
their empty beds. On Friday, when they come back to me and my wife, I'll be
ecstatic. Parenting is full of mixed emotions.
I don't think Pitt needs to expect herself to feel nothing but love and
devotion for her stepson. And I think soccerstepmom is right in advising her
that if her feelings about this are really negative, she should think about
getting out of the relationship. I guess I would ask Pitt: are your negative
feelings getting better or worse? Can you adjust to having your potential
husband to yourself some of the time, and sharing him on other days?
If you married a guy with no kids, and had kids of your own, you would find
your relationship with your husband would have to survive a similar set of
strains as you both accommodate a new little person. Ask anybody!
If you are committed to him and he is committed to you, and you have good
communications to talk about your feelings on these matters, I think you can
make a go of it. I think you can come to terms with step-parenting this kid,
who sounds not-at-all-bad as 13-year-olds go.
My wife and I went through this as we were dating and living together. I had
two little kids who were torn up by their parents' sudden divorce (I'll spare
you the gory details) and when they were with me on the weekends, they were a
handful. My fiancee felt neglected and angry on the weekends because I poured
all my energy into the kids. We had some arguments, some spats about all this.
Some weekends she would get in her car and disappear and I wondered if she was
coming back. She always did. We talked about it, she looked at the situation
and decided she loved me for real. Now she helps me provide some weekend
stability and tranquility for a couple of kids who aren't getting much of
either from Mom during the week.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If you break up this relationship
because you think you can find something and someone perfect, you're setting
yourself up for unhappiness. That's why people get divorced -- they say "hey,
this relationship isn't living up to my fantasies! I've got to compromise all
the time! I can't take it anymore! And I just met this guy who says he's in
love with me..." (Hey, I promised to spare you the gory details...) anyway,
I'll stop babbling at this point...