Dead horse?

[kim]

Am I beating this one into the ground or what.?

It's like the minute I start to put my boundaries out there, stand my
ground etc.I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I'm trying to get my fiance to do what I want him to,
when I want him to do it.
specifically, having a talk w/ his nanny, his son, or both. I feel this
won't happen when I'm around, or at least there's a better chance of it
happening when I'm not.

I also know I shouldn't push him right ? and when he is ready he will
deal with it, I do believe that.
He has finally heard me, I made the way I feel very clear to him in one
of our therapy sessions the other day.
So, Isn't it wrong of me just not go home with him until that happens?
Isn't that emotional blackmail?
I don't want to be manipulative, I simply can't take the way things are
right now.

It seems like a fine line between avoiding and being true to myself. I
don't want to avoid the situation because I know that even after he
talks w/ the nanny, or even his son, It's not going to be instantly
better.
I guess part of me is avoiding, and that's what I feel so guilty about.

thanks, this was kind of a vent post, but of course if anyone has any
thoughts.....

thanks Kim

[janelaw]

Will you just read what you wrote.

Do you hear what you are saying? Why the hell is insisting that
your needs be met "manipulative" or "emotional blackmail?"

Tell me if I have something wrong here:
You love your fiancé and want to share your life with him.
He currently lives with his kids and a long term resident
nanny.
The nanny thinks the house and family are hers.
She and the kids treat you like dirt.
You are completely tortured whenever you spend time there.
You are willing to work with your fiancé on this.
Fiancé is unwilling or unable to change that environment.

I agree that you can't MAKE him change the situation. The good
news is that he can't make YOU endure it. Of course he has to
be "ready" to take some action, just like you have to be "ready"
to spend time there. You won't be ready until you have hope for
improvement and confidence that you two will be able to resolve
this issue. That won't happen (it seems to me from what I have
read) until he shows some good faith, a commitment to solving
the problem. The ball, as they say, is in his court.

I'm sorry if I sound like a brute. It just ticks me off when
people feel guilty about setting minimum limits of civility and
decency for themselves. You teach people how to treat you,
whether you like it or not. Do you want to teach your future
husband that he can ignore your needs? For heaven's sake,
you're not asking for something unreasonable! Sure it's going
to cause him some discomfort. If it's not worth it to him now,
what is your life together going to be like?

I think the Step-parent's Bill of Rights can be found in a book
titled "When
You Marry a Man with Children."

Hope this helps. Sorry if it sounds harsh. It's my version of
a pep talk.

Jane

[kim]

Thanks I needed that!

kim

[Lisa]

I'm with Jane! Not only is it bad for YOU to let these folks treat you
like dirt, it's bad for them, too. When your finance is ready to
support you, you'll know. Until then, keep clear.

I'm influenced by this: the greatest regret of my life is that I didn't
move out when my ex-husband (bio-daughter's now-absent father) first
started thinking that it was okay for me to suffer. I thought, well, we
have a little girl, and I said "for better, for worse. . ."

Eventually our marriage ended anyway, so our little girl still had to go
through her parents' splitting up. Now, what if, before it continued to
be terrible, while we still were essentially committed to loving each
other, before he took up with a graduate student he met at a conference
--what if before that I'd said, "I will not live like this. Choose
now." Maybe I'd have been divorced that much sooner. But maybe we'd
have a helthy relationship.

Don't let it deteriorate further. If he truly can't demand decency for
you from Nanny, then you can't live like that. Not now, not ever.

And how does he know how much it ,matters to you, if you don't witness
to its importance? It's intolerable, that's what. So don't tolerate
it.

Oops! Who knew I was venting?

Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing.
>
> janelaw wrote:

> > Will you just read what you wrote.
> >
> > Do you hear what you are saying? Why the hell is insisting that
> > your needs be met "manipulative" or "emotional blackmail?"
> >
> > Tell me if I have something wrong here:
> > You love your fiancé and want to share your life with him.
> > He currently lives with his kids and a long term resident
> > nanny.
> > The nanny thinks the house and family are hers.
> > She and the kids treat you like dirt.
> > You are completely tortured whenever you spend time there.
> > You are willing to work with your fiancé on this.
> > Fiancé is unwilling or unable to change that environment.
> >
> > I agree that you can't MAKE him change the situation. The good
> > news is that he can't make YOU endure it. Of course he has to
> > be "ready" to take some action, just like you have to be "ready"
> > to spend time there. You won't be ready until you have hope for
> > improvement and confidence that you two will be able to resolve
> > this issue. That won't happen (it seems to me from what I have
> > read) until he shows some good faith, a commitment to solving
> > the problem. The ball, as they say, is in his court.

<snip>

[jane]

kim wrote:
>
> Thanks I needed that!

Oh, good. Glad you feel better.