This is the problem - she seems to lie about things for no reason.
Yesterday she came home from school with her teachers home number scribbled
on a piece of paper. She said "Ms. Raymond wants you to call her", I asked
her why and she said "I don't know". It was just she and I in the kitchen
and we were face to face at that point - no distractions. I assumed it
might be to provide a treat to the class as this week is their last week.
I called the teachers house and got the machine so I left a message w/my
phone number. The teacher never got back to me. The next morning we are
dropping off the kids at the sitters and my sdaughter says to us "We are
supposed to go to a party at Ms. Raymonds house today so you need to pick
me up there". Well since this was the first we had heard of it we said no.
She didn't get to go. Why didn't you tell us about it last night when
asked? And then she just stands there with that "I dunno" look on her
face. When we all got home last night I asked her again "Why didn't you
tell me about the party last night when I asked you point blank why Ms.
Raymond was calling?" Again she was stupified for an answer. Please know
that she is treated with love and understanding in our home at all times.
Her dad is a great dad and I like to think I'm a good step-mom.
By behaving this way she cheats only herself out of fun things to do.
Also, I am concerned about her because in class she might get a 60 or less
on a paper but if I have her repeat the same work at home she does
significantly better. Could something be wrong with her biochemically or
is she just being a poopy-head kid? She has problems in school, listening,
concentrating, following directions and also completing her work. Her dad
and I have worked with her as much as possible in the last 2.5 months. I
told her the other day how smart she is (I also tell her that) and how
great she's going to do in the 4th grade next year and that we will help as
much as she wants us to. That seemed to make her happy but I'm concerned
she has some kind of learning disability. Please comment.
--
Teri....@Compaq.com
Your stepdaughter is not deliberately doing any of this. Please don't
fuss at her about it - she knows she has trouble remembering things. If
you haven't gotten together with her teacher, that would be the first step.
My son's teachers have told me, by the way, that many kids are like this,
and the teachers have plenty of tricks up their sleeves to help out. Good
luck with your stepdaughter, and be patient with her. By the way, is this
something she has always had trouble with, or could she also be reacting to
the upheaval in her life?
This is a very good response, and my first impression is to second the
opinion. I think that it's just the nature of being a kid to miss a lot
of boats before it even occurs to us that if we miss an opportunity, it's
gone forever.
Kids are so used to things being arranged for them that it might not
even compute that a time will come when they make their own plans. Your
step daughter is in an especially difficult position, because she has
left her bio mom, and had a whole new system of rules to learn and
follow.
This is not to say that your way isn't better. It could very well be
that she has never before been called upon to be responsible.
For me, I had a difficult time figuring out when people really meant
what they said, and when they were running their lips.
When I was 13, I got a good role in a school play. The drama coach said
to be there the next day after school, for preliminary rehersal. Somehow,
I got the idea that tomorrow afternoon didn't REALLY mean tomorrow
afternoon. Doesn't that sound completely stupid of me not to comprehend
such a clear instruction? So what happened? I remembered, but didn't go.
My role was given to the understudy. I showed up a few days later, but
got no role. Like your step daughter, I had to experience the result of
my foolishness.
After that, I learned to needle the speaker a bit to confirm if they
were speaking literally or figuratively.
: Some children just have an awfully hard time concentrating; the
: >
As far as school goes, think about the major change she has just undergone!
My daughter's life is already starting to revolve around her friends at
the age of 9. She's had the good fortune to be able to stay at the same
school since kindergarten, so her friend base is well established. Your
step daughter must be so nervous about fitting in and making friends. It's
the end of the school year; she hasn't even had a whole year there yet.
Certainly don't overlook any legitimate learning problems, but realize that
a great deal of her problem at this point may be social (not to mention the
fact that, by the sound of it, she has been unceremoniously dumped and
rejected by her mother). How is she doing as far as making friends? Try
to think of ways to help her make friends; throw a summer party and invite
a ton of her classmates, take a few of them to a movie. Best of luck and
God bless you and that sweet little girl!
Could be, but don't jump to that conclusion. I was *very*
lucky with my son in that his daycare provider for 4 years
was a qualified special ed teacher who was taking a hiatus
to stay at home with her kids and she made it very clear to
me that some teachers were going to try to tell me that my
son had ADD or ADHD and to not listen to them. *She* had
had that thought for a while, but kept watching him closely
and finally determined that he was just an 'airhead'. <grin>
Not that that's a BAD thing, because I'm one, too. And you
know what? These last four years have been quite eye-opening.
The first year my son did quite well, the second two not so
well, and this last year tremendous. He's been steered into
the gifted and talented track at his school and my opinion
on it is that the difference has been the teachers that he
has had. I'm not slamming his other teachers because they did
do alot that they didn't have to to try to help him and us out,
but his teacher this year has been very 'hands-on' with my son
and that has made a big difference. I guess my son feels that
his parents are 'supposed' to think he's smart, even if he isn't,
but if his *teacher* feels he's smart, then he must be.
As far as the listening and concentrating go, we have to keep
reinforcing the idea that his schoolwork is what he needs to
concentrate on because that's his *job* right now. Don't be
thinking about what you're going to be doing after school or
this weekend, because if you don't get your work done, you won't
be DOING anything after school or this weekend but homework. I
think a large part of it could be just her age. It's HARD to
concentrate and some kids need help with it.
Tracey
Karen
I agree with this post. I just want to add a couple of things:
If you talk to both her current teacher and her teacher 2000
miles away you may be able to figure out whether this typical of
SD or a recent development.
Class size makes a huge difference in kids staying on task.
For some reason, elementary school teachers (and a lot of
pediatricians) don't seem to think of the possibility of ADD
with girls.
Try not to get frustrated. My daughter is actually getting
better as time goes on.
Best,
-L
Whereas I *do* think that all children should have this kind of test at a
young age (since some children don't even show signs of developmental
problems until long after they should have started special education or
counselling), I wouldn't like Teri to worry too much about learning
disabilities in this child.
I mean, she remembered to bring the phone number home and give it to her
mother. She retained the information about the party and was responsible
enough to inform her mother about the change in pick-up location. I've read
other things about the way she initially treated her younger brother
that--whereas not exactly nice--took a certain amount of cleverness. She
sounds to me like a very sharp little girl. So by all means have the test,
but I wouldn't worry too much about the outcome.
lil
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Given her change in circumstance, I wouldn't be too concerned about
scholastic achievement, but I'd be spending a lot of time making sure
she's settling in the new school, making friends, getting asked out to
birthday parties and the like, asking other kids her age over for video
nights, finding a hobby she enjoys etc. Once this stuff is happening,
school work is much more fun - and much more likely to be focused upon.
We often expect children at this age to understand the consequences of
their action, until they come upon the consequences, they don't
understand the correlation between action a, consequence b.
Hope this helps,
There's a book that might be helpful, called "Raising A Thinking Child". I'll look up
the author if anyone wants it. The book is about teaching kids to think, to come up
with their own alternatives for dealing with difficult situations, for thinking things
through, and so on. The techniques can be used with almost any age child, as I recall
(I concentrated on the chapters dealing with very young children, since mine are still
little). Sounds like this might be useful.
-- gail
I'd be very interested in knowing the details on this book. Sounds like it's
right up my alley!
Thanks!
It comes down to responsibility. Sometimes it's just too much
responsibility for them. Remembering what they learned about math and
how to do it. Using it on new work without the teacher going through
the basics again. Dealing with other kids, and we all know kids are the
worst tormentors of other kids. Wanting to do fun stuff, but having
something on their mind, maybe some critism they got in class, and
suddenly telling us about plans they've made with friends gets to be too
much that day.
All you can do is ask. And ask, ask, ask. Ask her what a particular
friend is doing with their family that weekend...and when she wants to
know why you want to know, just shrug and say, Just making conversation.
It sounds like you're raising her right. And she's a normal,
short-attention span kind of kid. What you've shown her, in love and
support, will be used through out her life...whether it shows in her
school work or not. With my own daughter, sometimes I've just had to
let the bad efforts go, talk with her once or twice to make sure she is
aware of her own mistakes, and give her a clean slate next time. It's
too much pressure to make her carry it around from effort to effort.
Joyce