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Dylan's Mom

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May 29, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/29/98
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I need experienced parental advice on this one. My 9 year old step
daughter lives with us as of 2 months ago. She adjusted pretty well given
she had been sent 2000 miles away from her mother (at mommy dearest
request). I have been in her dad's life since she was 1 so she and I are
close.

This is the problem - she seems to lie about things for no reason.
Yesterday she came home from school with her teachers home number scribbled
on a piece of paper. She said "Ms. Raymond wants you to call her", I asked
her why and she said "I don't know". It was just she and I in the kitchen
and we were face to face at that point - no distractions. I assumed it
might be to provide a treat to the class as this week is their last week.
I called the teachers house and got the machine so I left a message w/my
phone number. The teacher never got back to me. The next morning we are
dropping off the kids at the sitters and my sdaughter says to us "We are
supposed to go to a party at Ms. Raymonds house today so you need to pick
me up there". Well since this was the first we had heard of it we said no.
She didn't get to go. Why didn't you tell us about it last night when
asked? And then she just stands there with that "I dunno" look on her
face. When we all got home last night I asked her again "Why didn't you
tell me about the party last night when I asked you point blank why Ms.
Raymond was calling?" Again she was stupified for an answer. Please know
that she is treated with love and understanding in our home at all times.
Her dad is a great dad and I like to think I'm a good step-mom.

By behaving this way she cheats only herself out of fun things to do.
Also, I am concerned about her because in class she might get a 60 or less
on a paper but if I have her repeat the same work at home she does
significantly better. Could something be wrong with her biochemically or
is she just being a poopy-head kid? She has problems in school, listening,
concentrating, following directions and also completing her work. Her dad
and I have worked with her as much as possible in the last 2.5 months. I
told her the other day how smart she is (I also tell her that) and how
great she's going to do in the 4th grade next year and that we will help as
much as she wants us to. That seemed to make her happy but I'm concerned
she has some kind of learning disability. Please comment.
--
Teri....@Compaq.com

ALISON_SHEEHAN

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May 29, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/29/98
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Your stepdaughter sounds an awful lot like my son. The seemingly twitlike
things she may do, like not telling you why her teacher wanted you to call
her, are not lies; she may very well actually not have known what her
teacher wanted. Perhaps she was daydreaming or staring out the window when
her teacher was explaining about the party that first day, or she heard it
but promptly forgot it because her mind was buzzing with something else.
Then the next day she did pay attention when her teacher talked about the
party. She couldn't answer you when you asked why she hadn't told you
about the party because she truly had not remembered what her teacher 's
phone number was for.
Some children just have an awfully hard time concentrating; the
educationese for this is 'staying on task.' When my son was in the early
grades, we would ask him questions about some event going on at school and
he would consistently not know, yet his best friend would pipe right up
with the answer. My son has all of the problems your stepdaughter has in
class concerning completing assignments; it has frequently happened that
he hasn't even known what the assignment is, or if he does complete it
he'll forget to bring it to school, or bring it in and cram it into his
school desk and forget to hand it in when due. I think it definitely is a
type of learning disability. What we have done is talk to his teachers to
work out a system of reminders for him - things like having the teacher
check his assignment book daily to make sure he has written the assignment
down correctly, or make sure he brings home the correct study materials.
You note that your daughter can often do her work better at home than at
school. That is likely to be because she is getting your one-on-one
attention, while at school her mind can wander because nobody is right at
her elbow keeping her mind focussed on the work. I see it all the time,
when I ask my son to re-do missed arithmetic problems and he does them here
with no trouble. On occasion when I sat in on his classes, I would see him
staring out the window or around the room distracted by the other kids
rather than paying attention to his paper. You may see papers with
sentences that just end in the middle, too - the child mentally 'falls
asleep' midsentence.

Your stepdaughter is not deliberately doing any of this. Please don't
fuss at her about it - she knows she has trouble remembering things. If
you haven't gotten together with her teacher, that would be the first step.
My son's teachers have told me, by the way, that many kids are like this,
and the teachers have plenty of tricks up their sleeves to help out. Good
luck with your stepdaughter, and be patient with her. By the way, is this
something she has always had trouble with, or could she also be reacting to
the upheaval in her life?

Elaine Gallegos

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May 29, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/29/98
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ALISON_SHEEHAN (ALISON_...@prodigy.net) wrote:
: Your stepdaughter sounds an awful lot like my son. The seemingly twitlike

: things she may do, like not telling you why her teacher wanted you to call
: her, are not lies; she may very well actually not have known what her
: teacher wanted. Perhaps she was daydreaming or staring out the window when
: her teacher was explaining about the party that first day, or she heard it
: but promptly forgot it because her mind was buzzing with something else.
: Then the next day she did pay attention when her teacher talked about the
: party. She couldn't answer you when you asked why she hadn't told you
: about the party because she truly had not remembered what her teacher 's
: phone number was for.

This is a very good response, and my first impression is to second the
opinion. I think that it's just the nature of being a kid to miss a lot
of boats before it even occurs to us that if we miss an opportunity, it's
gone forever.
Kids are so used to things being arranged for them that it might not
even compute that a time will come when they make their own plans. Your
step daughter is in an especially difficult position, because she has
left her bio mom, and had a whole new system of rules to learn and
follow.
This is not to say that your way isn't better. It could very well be
that she has never before been called upon to be responsible.
For me, I had a difficult time figuring out when people really meant
what they said, and when they were running their lips.
When I was 13, I got a good role in a school play. The drama coach said
to be there the next day after school, for preliminary rehersal. Somehow,
I got the idea that tomorrow afternoon didn't REALLY mean tomorrow
afternoon. Doesn't that sound completely stupid of me not to comprehend
such a clear instruction? So what happened? I remembered, but didn't go.
My role was given to the understudy. I showed up a few days later, but
got no role. Like your step daughter, I had to experience the result of
my foolishness.
After that, I learned to needle the speaker a bit to confirm if they
were speaking literally or figuratively.

: Some children just have an awfully hard time concentrating; the

: >

Smiths

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May 30, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/30/98
to

I have a 9 year old daughter who is notorious for not informing me of
events in her life. Not too long ago, she arranged an overnight with a
girl who had no phone and she knew which apartment complex she lived in,
but not the apt. no.!! This is typical of her. I think they're just not
aware of the fact that we need details in order to be able to let them
participate in all the stuff that comes up. You not allowing her to go to
the party was a good move, as long as along with it, you explained about
the necessity of keeping you updated on her life. It sounds like she may
not necessarily be lying, rather just not imparting information.

As far as school goes, think about the major change she has just undergone!
My daughter's life is already starting to revolve around her friends at
the age of 9. She's had the good fortune to be able to stay at the same
school since kindergarten, so her friend base is well established. Your
step daughter must be so nervous about fitting in and making friends. It's
the end of the school year; she hasn't even had a whole year there yet.
Certainly don't overlook any legitimate learning problems, but realize that
a great deal of her problem at this point may be social (not to mention the
fact that, by the sound of it, she has been unceremoniously dumped and
rejected by her mother). How is she doing as far as making friends? Try
to think of ways to help her make friends; throw a summer party and invite
a ton of her classmates, take a few of them to a movie. Best of luck and
God bless you and that sweet little girl!

Tracey

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May 30, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/30/98
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>Could something be wrong with her biochemically or is she
>just being a poopy-head kid? She has problems in school,
>listening, concentrating, following directions and also
>completing her work.

Could be, but don't jump to that conclusion. I was *very*
lucky with my son in that his daycare provider for 4 years
was a qualified special ed teacher who was taking a hiatus
to stay at home with her kids and she made it very clear to
me that some teachers were going to try to tell me that my
son had ADD or ADHD and to not listen to them. *She* had
had that thought for a while, but kept watching him closely
and finally determined that he was just an 'airhead'. <grin>
Not that that's a BAD thing, because I'm one, too. And you
know what? These last four years have been quite eye-opening.
The first year my son did quite well, the second two not so
well, and this last year tremendous. He's been steered into
the gifted and talented track at his school and my opinion
on it is that the difference has been the teachers that he
has had. I'm not slamming his other teachers because they did
do alot that they didn't have to to try to help him and us out,
but his teacher this year has been very 'hands-on' with my son
and that has made a big difference. I guess my son feels that
his parents are 'supposed' to think he's smart, even if he isn't,
but if his *teacher* feels he's smart, then he must be.

As far as the listening and concentrating go, we have to keep
reinforcing the idea that his schoolwork is what he needs to
concentrate on because that's his *job* right now. Don't be
thinking about what you're going to be doing after school or
this weekend, because if you don't get your work done, you won't
be DOING anything after school or this weekend but homework. I
think a large part of it could be just her age. It's HARD to
concentrate and some kids need help with it.

Tracey


Karen

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May 31, 1998, 7:00:00 AM5/31/98
to Dylan's Mom

I have a 9 year old son who has learning disabilities. He has many of the
problems you describe, and more. We found out what his actual learning
problems were by requesting an IEP (Independant Education Plan) Evaluation from
his school. By law they must test your child if you request it. Make the
request to either the teacher, or principal of the school she attends. After we
got the results, we followed up with a complete evaluation at Children's
Hospital. Good Luck!

Karen


Donna Metler

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Jun 1, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/1/98
to
Talk to the teacher, then request from the principal. Teachers usually
have real difficulty in getting a child tested (the district doesn't
want to spend money). If the parents and teacher work together, this is
much more likely to occur within a reasonable amount of time.

janelaw

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Jun 1, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/1/98
to

This also sounds like 10 year old my daughter. It is one of the
great challenges of my life to get information about school out
of her. One thing that has helped this year is the planner that
all the fifth graders get. Even so, if I don't stay on top of
things, I just can't keep up.

I agree with this post. I just want to add a couple of things:
If you talk to both her current teacher and her teacher 2000
miles away you may be able to figure out whether this typical of
SD or a recent development.
Class size makes a huge difference in kids staying on task.
For some reason, elementary school teachers (and a lot of
pediatricians) don't seem to think of the possibility of ADD
with girls.
Try not to get frustrated. My daughter is actually getting
better as time goes on.

Lane Browning

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Jun 1, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/1/98
to dmme...@nomail.mem.bellsouth.net

Regarding the child with "intermittent attention" problems...there are many things
that could cause this. She/he could have CAPD (Central Auditory Processing
Disorder), or a Receptive Language Disorder, or any number of related things that
make it difficult to sort and process incoming information. There are tests that
can be done, yes. It's interesting that Donna says schools don't want to spend
money--in our district it's the opposite, they are frantic to label enough kids as
special needs so they can justify their programs' existences!

Best,
-L

lilbl...@my-dejanews.com

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Jun 2, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/2/98
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In article <35721BE9...@pacbell.net>,

Karen <kpar...@pacbell.net> wrote:
>
> I have a 9 year old son who has learning disabilities. He has many of the
> problems you describe, and more.

Whereas I *do* think that all children should have this kind of test at a
young age (since some children don't even show signs of developmental
problems until long after they should have started special education or
counselling), I wouldn't like Teri to worry too much about learning
disabilities in this child.

I mean, she remembered to bring the phone number home and give it to her
mother. She retained the information about the party and was responsible
enough to inform her mother about the change in pick-up location. I've read
other things about the way she initially treated her younger brother
that--whereas not exactly nice--took a certain amount of cleverness. She
sounds to me like a very sharp little girl. So by all means have the test,
but I wouldn't worry too much about the outcome.

lil

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Robyn Grunberg

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Jun 2, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/2/98
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I'd second the opinion not to fret too much about this type of behaviour
in a 9 year old, especially one who has had her life changed so
dramatically in the last few months. It appears that your daughter,
like many other children her age, are simply not accustomed to "thinking
things through". She proabably didn't know why the teacher wanted you
to call - it was outside her zone of comprehension. If it happened
again, she may relate the phone call and the party, but I wouldn't bet
on it, my 14 year old still doesn't seem to do well at straight line
association (eg. if you have french homework, you need to bring home
your french books).

Given her change in circumstance, I wouldn't be too concerned about
scholastic achievement, but I'd be spending a lot of time making sure
she's settling in the new school, making friends, getting asked out to
birthday parties and the like, asking other kids her age over for video
nights, finding a hobby she enjoys etc. Once this stuff is happening,
school work is much more fun - and much more likely to be focused upon.

We often expect children at this age to understand the consequences of
their action, until they come upon the consequences, they don't
understand the correlation between action a, consequence b.

Hope this helps,

Robyn
Robyn.G...@Aus.Sun.COM


Gail Matthews

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Jun 2, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/2/98
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There's a book that might be helpful, called "Raising A Thinking Child". I'll look up
the author if anyone wants it. The book is about teaching kids to think, to come up
with their own alternatives for dealing with difficult situations, for thinking things
through, and so on. The techniques can be used with almost any age child, as I recall
(I concentrated on the chapters dealing with very young children, since mine are still
little). Sounds like this might be useful.

-- gail

lilbl...@my-dejanews.com

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Jun 4, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/4/98
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In article <6l1cfb$sal$1...@centralnews2.Central.Sun.COM>,

ga...@wdk.com wrote:
>
>
> There's a book that might be helpful, called "Raising A Thinking Child". I'll look up
> the author if anyone wants it.

I'd be very interested in knowing the details on this book. Sounds like it's
right up my alley!

Thanks!

Joyce Winge

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Jun 10, 1998, 7:00:00 AM6/10/98
to

My seven year old is the same way...and sometimes much worse. She
actually lied about having homework, even when I asked her "If I call
your teacher, is she going to tell me the same thing?"

It comes down to responsibility. Sometimes it's just too much
responsibility for them. Remembering what they learned about math and
how to do it. Using it on new work without the teacher going through
the basics again. Dealing with other kids, and we all know kids are the
worst tormentors of other kids. Wanting to do fun stuff, but having
something on their mind, maybe some critism they got in class, and
suddenly telling us about plans they've made with friends gets to be too
much that day.

All you can do is ask. And ask, ask, ask. Ask her what a particular
friend is doing with their family that weekend...and when she wants to
know why you want to know, just shrug and say, Just making conversation.

It sounds like you're raising her right. And she's a normal,
short-attention span kind of kid. What you've shown her, in love and
support, will be used through out her life...whether it shows in her
school work or not. With my own daughter, sometimes I've just had to
let the bad efforts go, talk with her once or twice to make sure she is
aware of her own mistakes, and give her a clean slate next time. It's
too much pressure to make her carry it around from effort to effort.

Joyce

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