Help!
ram...@webtv.net
I wonder if I may get some advice? Let me tell you my situation. I'm a
father of a 16yr old son from my first marriage. I have been remarried
for 10yrs and have a 3mo old daughter with my second wife. My son moved
in with us 7mos ago. The problem is my wife and son not getting along. I
must say, the son is a very good kid, never in trouble, and excellent
grades. I'm not just saying that because he is my son. My wife is an
excellent mother to our daughter. She is also very quick tempered, and
hard to have a civilized conversation with. The problem is, the minute
she see's him she goes into a list of complaints. Everything from not
cleaning his room(which we corrected), to silly stuff like fingerprints
on the microwave and the floor cracking when he walks. His reply to
these sometimes ridiculus complaints sometimes is your typical 16yr old
"huh?" Then the fighting starts! She says he won't listen to her and
goes into a fit. She's upset that I bought him a car. She's pissed at
him when he's home. She's pissed at him when he stays away all day till
late at night. You get the idea, she's pissed at him no matter what he
does. So my main problem is, how do I find a way for these two to get
along? I sure don't want to raise a little girl in this type of
environment? Any help would be much appreciated!
xyzj...@primary.net
I would suggest typing, "Borderline Personality Disorder" into your
search engine, and reading what comes up.
>
Jeffrey
remove xyz to reply
130163100-ValentineC(DR2667)n22
Call me crazy...but did your wife buy into the whole idea of your son
coming to live with you??
...let's see, he came to live with you 1/2 way through her (I'll assume, first)
pregnancy...and now she has an infant AND a 16 year old to care for all within
a very short time period...I think that would be enough to stress anyone out.
It doesn't sound like her behaviour is reasonable...but it does sound like
she might have just cause to be stressed a bit.
Maybe one of the best things you can do is to ease off of her and let your
son and wife build their own relationship over time.
Just some off-the-cuff thoughts.
Carrie
janelaw
Look, you obviously have already sided with your son over your
wife. Just go ahead and file for divorce.
P.S. You should have asked her before he moved in.
ram...@webtv.net wrote:
>
> I wonder if I may get some advice? Let me tell you my situation. I'm a
> father of a 16yr old son from my first marriage. I have been remarried
> for 10yrs and have a 3mo old daughter with my second wife. My son moved
> in with us 7mos ago. The problem is my wife and son not getting along. I
Theresa & William
ram...@webtv.net wrote in message
<1845-35...@newsd-121.bryant.webtv.net>...
<<I wonder if I may get some advice? Let me tell you my situation. I'm a
father of a 16yr old son from my first marriage. I have been remarried
for 10yrs and have a 3mo old daughter with my second wife. My son moved in
with us 7mos ago. The problem is my wife and son not getting along.>>
Well, I'm sort of new to this whole thing, myself. I have a 13 yo daughter
and 15yo son from a previous marriage. My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son and
she's 19 wks pregnant with our second.
Almost a month ago, we recieved a phone call. My ex-wife (whom we were on
good terms with) had been killed in a car accident. So, Saturday (6/27) my
teens flew here to So. Cal. from up north to move in.
Talk about an adjustment! Theresa (my wife) is the youngest in her (huge)
family, we just moved into our new house about a week before the news,
Theresa's only 26, is raising our toddler, pregnant, and here she's having
to cope with her 34 yo husband's kids from a marriage that took place a long
time ago moving in on short notice! I don't think *I* could handle this.
HOWEVER - She's been handling it great, although it's only been a few days
but she's been really worn out lately (partly my fault as she's been helping
my out at my office most of the week). But my wife isn't your wife. And I
did NOT expect Theresa to get settled with this arrangement so quickly.
Rather than see this from your perspective, have you tried walking around in
your wife's shoes? This was the first thing we were told upon calling a
close friend and pastor of ours' when we began discussing the new
arrangement.
First off: see things from her perspective. She has 1.) a new baby daughter
and 2.) a teenage son. She hasn't gotten to raise him. She doesn't know him
as well as if she would have raised him herself.
<<She says he won't listen to her and goes into a fit. She's upset that I
bought him a car.>>
And rightly so. Let's see. You've been married for 10 years. Your son has
lived with you for 7 months, he's 16, and he just got a car. When was the
last time you bought your wife a car? I don't mean to harp on you, but isn't
that a little extravagant? I've talked about driving to my 15yo. He wants to
get his permit soon. Sure, I'm going to let him. But he already knows that
as far as his license goes, his vehicle will have to be purchased mainly by
him and therefore EARNED. Theresa and I have agreed to help out a little,
since he will probably fall a bit short in money, but we'll have to see
effort on his part.
Also, I noticed that you wrote YOU bought him the car. Not WE or US.
Communication has GOT to stay open. If you don't discuss things, everything
will be one-sided. Dad's buying the cars, siding with the son, mom's doing
the discipline, raising the baby.... I think you and your wife need to sit
down and talk like you did prior to the kids. Because if you don't, you're
gonna constantly have problems. Communication is IMHO the most important
thing in a marriage - and even moreso in a family. Talk to your son and wife
as a family. Talk to your wife about everything.
<<She's pissed at him when he's home. She's pissed at him when he stays away
all day till late at night.>>
He's 16 and you guys let him stay away all day till late at night? I
certainly hope he's at work...
My wife and I have spoken with her father and my parents about raising
teens. Heck, my first wife left me (and rightly so) because of a rotten
drinking problem I had. Thus I didn't get to raise my teens. They don't know
me all too well, and Theresa and I know absolutely nothing about parenting
teens. But, we know that boundaries and limitations have got to be set, just
like we do for our toddler. Letting a 16 year old out all day and late into
the night isn't a great idea. I wasn't allowed to, and escaped out my window
to go and party. I was the rebellious one. I was the one who ended up
becoming an alcoholic in my early 20's. Yeah, maybe your son is a good kid.
He probably is. And still he needs to have rules.
You might also try thinking about what your son is thinking. The word
"stepmom" in stories et. al. is rarely given highly praised connotations.
(Cinderella being one example). He could be seeing it that way. ("She's not
my REAL mom." etc).
Just make sure you guys can communicate. It's soooo important. I've already
had to deal with a few mis-communications THIS early on in the game.
Good luck! Give your wife some lee-way, and talk a bit. Be aware of your OWN
limitations. If you guys need a family counselor, get one. God knows, my own
parents had to with 6 kids.
Will Storbeck (sorry it's so long <g>)
Sharyn
Very well said. Communciation between everyone is important. And her having
a BIG blowup also might help. It did here a couple weeks ago. And we are
talking about a 6 &9 yr old.
Making him realize that that is also her home and she has some, (or in my
case, most) of the say is important. It changes the bad attitudes that the
stepkids have to okay I know that I got to do as she asks me to do. The
reaason I said that in my case most of the say, my husband's work hours
sometimes interferes with his seeing the kids during the week. So I am the
main parental figure here on some days.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Theresa & William wrote in message
<6ng4d3$c...@dfw-ixnews10.ix.netcom.com>...
Margstuder
Your wife is jealous of your son. Get marriage couseling.
Margaret
http://member.aol.com/MargStuder/index.html
SoccerStepMom
Thanks for the update on your situation; you sound like terrific people,
and I predict you will come through this situation wonderfully. My
heart lurched when I read your first post (or was it your wife's?), and
I'm glad to see you're approaching things so openly. Will you keep us
posted on what happens? SSM
ram...@webtv.net
I'd like to thank everybody for responding to my post. I saw some very
good advice, some of which we are certainly going to try to use. It's
nice to see somebody actually cares enough to reply.
Thanks again!
Bert
ram...@webtv.net
I've noticed a few comments concerning buying a car for a son/daughter.
That was a decision that was thought about long and hard, by both of us.
No, my wife was not too crazy about doing it. But looking at the whole
set of circumstances, I decided to do it. Maybe, in a way, I feel as if
I owe him something. He has lived with his mother since he was 2yrs old.
I got him the usual every other weekend. (which is terrible for a court
to come up with. 26 days with one parent, and 4 with the other a month)
Believe me, he is NOT a spoiled kid. Very appreciative of everything he
has always gotten, which has been alot less than some. While at his
mothers, I was paying a decent sum of money in support. ($550/mo) As he
doesn't cost me that much living here, I thought it would be nice to
take part of that and use it for a car. Another problem as far as him
buying one himself is he plays football and he is busy between 3 and 10
hrs a day every day of the year except Sunday with that stuff. Getting a
job is a little impractical, especially during July through December.
School is in during the other months. He is getting offers from major
colleges with full athletic scholarships now, so all the time he is
putting in now will surely save one hell of a lot of money for me in the
future. So, in a way, he is working now. Under the circumstances, I will
probably have to be a little more financially responsible for him a few
more years than most people. But I am just glad I am able to do that.
Really, what's so wrong with that?
Sorry this is soooo long. I'll quit my rambling...:-)
Bert
Theresa & William
SoccerStepMom wrote in message <359C1F...@hotmail.com>...
>Thanks for the update on your situation; you sound like terrific people,
>and I predict you will come through this situation wonderfully.
Thank you very much. Things have been working out rather well despite our
worse fears.
>My
>heart lurched when I read your first post (or was it your wife's?), and
>I'm glad to see you're approaching things so openly. Will you keep us
>posted on what happens? SSM
That would be my wife's first post. And, yeah, we'll keep you posted on what
happens. It's nice to see how caring everyone is. I'm sure Theresa
appreciates it, and I know I do. You guys are great people.
Will
Merrie
I remember your wife's posting because in the years that I've been with
this group I've never seen anything quite like it. I was
"speechless..." I have teens but they are not so estranged or hurt.
I was most concerned about the traumatized teens. I think that you're
wife as an adult will be able to make good decisions and at least be
able to find advice and help when she needs to, and it seems like her
husband will be a great help and be supportive.
I hope the teens have some "good" supportive friends and that these
friendships can remain intact. Sometimes with divorced families,
children search for "surrogate" families via a best friend or two. It is
a way to pick good role models, neccessary for thriving. If they exist
already try no to loose them.
Good luck to you - please tell your wife that she can e-mail me if she
has questions regarding the teens and small children, because we do have
that in common. The age spread itself creates some concerns.
Merrie
Merrie
I'm sorry life is so miserable right now...
Hopefully you can make it better, because it really is terrible for the
baby.
You'll have to explain about the "you bought him a car" thing, because
that one really should be a joint decision. After all, she is
unfortantly just as responsible for the boy's actions as are you and if
he plows into someone...
Which leads me to believe that she may be angry with you but taking it
out on him, but maybe not. Some of the things you stated that set her
off - well - could possibly set me off also. The cracking floor -
intentional? unintentional? Is it because she just got the baby to
sleep...and then crack! Teens are such an adjustment. It makes you
realize how much babies are like pets.
And for your teen too. When's the last time he had to be the least bit
concerned about a baby?
If you work during the day and she stays home (which I suspect is the
case) then the new family member is a much bigger deal to her than you.
You're gone and she's been left responsible for him. If you want to
ease the stress you can tell her that she doesn't have to be responsible
for him and that she doesn't have to know where he's gong to be, or when
he'll be back or who he's with, and she is not to give him any money
(tell him he can't ask) and she doesn't have to worry about feeding him
- no cooking for him or buying food for him - be sure and tell him that
he's on his own there - no raiding the pantry) and he can do his laundry
at the laundry mat because with a baby I'm sure your wife needs to do a
load a day and it's just stressful to need the machine when someone else
lets their stuff sit there all day...and I guess he should get his own
phone and TV and stuff, and take turns at doing the dishes and vacuuming
and toilet cleaning and glass cleaning. Basically the roommate
approach. She can think of your son as a roommate for whom she isn't
responsible, and your son can be a roommate that is respectful of the
boundries that a roommate should be.
If that isn't going to work then you need to help her find a way that
will. If she has to be responsible for him then you've got to give her
the support neccessary to make that work. You must always back her up,
especially in front of your son and you must help enforce the rules, and
you must decide jointly what the important rules are. You should be the
one to make sure that his chores get done and that he does them well.
Please never leave a chore for him to do and for her to have to make him
do it. Do not put her in the bad guy position. I really hate that.
I hope you can improve this situation but it really is up to you. Your
son won't care about her concerns unless you do. Your wife may need to
let some things go, and learn to "pick her battles". With small
children you are able to control the environment enough, but that all
goes to heck when teens enter the house. This becomes an absolute must
for safety when the baby becomes a toddler and is more able to get into
trouble. The knife that the teen just cut his sandwich with and then
left on the counter becomes a serious hazard to a curious toddler.
I think things will get better as everyone adjusts.
Best wishes. Merrie
xyzj...@primary.net wrote:
>
> On Wed, 1 Jul 1998 03:11:22 -0400 (EDT), ram...@webtv.net wrote:
>
> > I wonder if I may get some advice? Let me tell you my situation. I'm a
> >father of a 16yr old son from my first marriage. I have been remarried
> >for 10yrs and have a 3mo old daughter with my second wife. My son moved
> >in with us 7mos ago. The problem is my wife and son not getting along. I
> >must say, the son is a very good kid, never in trouble, and excellent
> >grades. I'm not just saying that because he is my son. My wife is an
> >excellent mother to our daughter. She is also very quick tempered, and
> >hard to have a civilized conversation with. The problem is, the minute
> >she see's him she goes into a list of complaints. Everything from not
> >cleaning his room(which we corrected), to silly stuff like fingerprints
> >on the microwave and the floor cracking when he walks. His reply to
> >these sometimes ridiculus complaints sometimes is your typical 16yr old
> >"huh?" Then the fighting starts! She says he won't listen to her and
> >goes into a fit. She's upset that I bought him a car. She's pissed at
> >him when he's home. She's pissed at him when he stays away all day till
> >late at night. You get the idea, she's pissed at him no matter what he
> >does. So my main problem is, how do I find a way for these two to get
> >along? I sure don't want to raise a little girl in this type of
> >environment? Any help would be much appreciated!
>