Acceptance, patience, family...
Michael
I've been dating a woman for about 5 months now...it was an incredible
attraction, not just physical but mental as well...things went great and
though neither of us was looking for it we fell in love. I have a 5 year
old and began to introduce him to her about 3 months into the
relationship...we're talking really light stuff here-just enough so he
knows the woman I am dating is. For the past month she's starting to get
nervous, finding herself in a serious committed relationship is not always
comfortable to her...sometimes she just wants to be alone...UGH...well
we're working on that and she obviously is not comfortable with the child
issue, I want her to take it at her own pace, but what should I expect?
I'm torn between my responsibilities as my son's father and my commitment
to this woman. Thoughts? How can I bring the two feelings together.
Vicki Robinson
Michael, you're not going to like what I have to say, but I think you're
*WAY* jumping the gun. Five months is a good time to have scoped out a
relationship and decided about its potential. It's not enough time to really
commit, especially if you have a child.
It sounds as though your friend is giving you clear signals that she doesn't
want to move too fast. You've got to give her room, for two reasons. First,
she deserves it because she has the right to determine how fast she wants
this relationship to move for her. Second, if you push, even gently, she's
going to feel pressured and she'll either resent you for it, or end the
relationship.
My husband made it clear fairly early on in our relationship that we wanted
committment and permanance. I was not *at all* ready at the time, and I told
him that I couldn't promise anything, but I wanted to give things time.
Finally, one day about a year and a half later, I suddenly realized what I
had right in front of me, and I bought him an engagement ring and offered it
to him after dinner at our favorite restaurant. One of the things that I was
most grateful for was that he never, not even once, brought up marriage again
in that year and a half interim. We went places, we saw his kids, he had
dinner with me and my kids, we did things with all four kids, we had a normal
and happy dating relationship and he let me work things out on my own. Was
it easy for him? No way. Was it certain that I'd come around? No. Was he
taking a big chance? You bet. Was it worth it? I'm grateful every day for
his patience and kindness in giving me enough time to make up my mind.
You're asking your friend for a huge thing. Taking on someone else's child
(and the inevitable relationship with the child's other parent, unless you
are a widower) is an enormous thing, and if she feels cornered or pushed,
she's going to bail, and that's what she *should* do.
Relax, remember that you don't *have* to make a firm committment right off,
and give things time to develop without haste and without pressure. Give her
as much space as she needs. If she goes away anyway, you wouldn't have kept
her by closing her in tighter, and this way she'll realize that you respect
her need to let this grow in her own time and rhythm.
Vicki
--
Vicki Robinson
<blink><a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/binky.html">BINKY!</a></blink>
Visit my home page at <a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts"> Vicki's Home Page
</a> and sign my guest book. Millions have!
janelaw
Michael wrote:
>
> I've been dating a woman for about 5 months now...it was an incredible
> attraction, not just physical but mental as well...things went great and
> though neither of us was looking for it we fell in love. I have a 5 year
> old and began to introduce him to her about 3 months into the
> relationship...we're talking really light stuff here-just enough so he
> knows the woman I am dating is. For the past month she's starting to get
> nervous, finding herself in a serious committed relationship is not always
> comfortable to her...sometimes she just wants to be alone...UGH...well
> we're working on that and she obviously is not comfortable with the child
> issue, I want her to take it at her own pace, but what should I expect?
> I'm torn between my responsibilities as my son's father and my commitment
> to this woman. Thoughts? How can I bring the two feelings together.
I agree that you should take things very slowly. Committing to
a relationship and committing to parenthood are both so scary.
For most of us, the committments come separately: you get over
the former before you have to deal with the latter. If your gf
can work through her issues about linking her life to yours
without dealing with your son, then maybe it will be easier.
SoccerStepMom
Michael wrote:
>
> I've been dating a woman for about 5 months now...it was an incredible
> attraction, not just physical but mental as well...things went great and
> though neither of us was looking for it we fell in love. I have a 5 year
> old and began to introduce him to her about 3 months into the
> relationship...we're talking really light stuff here-just enough so he
> knows the woman I am dating is. For the past month she's starting to get
> nervous, finding herself in a serious committed relationship is not always
> comfortable to her...sometimes she just wants to be alone...UGH...well
> we're working on that and she obviously is not comfortable with the child
> issue, I want her to take it at her own pace, but what should I expect?
> I'm torn between my responsibilities as my son's father and my commitment
> to this woman. Thoughts? How can I bring the two feelings together.
Michael -
As a career woman who fell in love with a single Dad, I will share the
lesson he taught me: your responsibility to your son comes ahead of any
feelings you have for a new woman. At some point, you will find a woman
who stirs your soul, and who is ready to help raise your child with
you. That doesn't mean she has to love him like her own, but she has to
accept his legitimate needs for your time and support, and has to
basically agree with your child-rearing style. Otherwise, you will find
yourself in the IMPOSSIBLE situation of having to choose between your
child and your wife. And it will also be hell on your son.
This woman may be that person, or rather she may become it over time.
But it will be much better for you and your son if you do not commit
yourself (either emotionally or for real) until you are sure she is
ready to be your son's stepmom and your partner in raising him. If you
wonder about this, read some of the archives of this group on Deja
News. Good luck. As a very happy stepmom, I assure you it can be
done. A good Dad is very sexy! SSM
Michael
WOW. If you told me you knew her and I, I wouldn't be surprised at all...I
think...no, I know you hit it right on the head.
> It sounds as though your friend is giving you clear signals that she
doesn't
> want to move too fast. You've got to give her room, for two reasons.
First,
> she deserves it because she has the right to determine how fast she wants
> this relationship to move for her. Second, if you push, even gently,
she's
> going to feel pressured and she'll either resent you for it, or end the
> relationship.
She actually has broken it off once, then the next day came back. It's
been this last month and a half that I've been grasping so tightly...I
think we started to get serious (yes probably too serious for the amount of
time) and we both freaked, she then backed away and I tried to hold
on...bad combination. Now that she has left me and even though she came
back I find that I have a hard time just enjoying our time together and not
obsessing about the relationship. I turn small stupid things into
something huge...like yesterday she didn't call when she woke up (she's on
2nd shift) and I was a bit upset...well she ended up going out with a
girlfriend...no big deal but I let it affect me, I let it hurt when it
really shouldn't have.
> My husband made it clear fairly early on in our relationship that we
wanted
> committment and permanance. I was not *at all* ready at the time, and I
told
> him that I couldn't promise anything, but I wanted to give things time.
> Finally, one day about a year and a half later, I suddenly realized what
I
> had right in front of me, and I bought him an engagement ring and offered
it
> to him after dinner at our favorite restaurant. One of the things that I
was
> most grateful for was that he never, not even once, brought up marriage
again
> in that year and a half interim. We went places, we saw his kids, he had
> dinner with me and my kids, we did things with all four kids, we had a
normal
> and happy dating relationship and he let me work things out on my own.
Was
> it easy for him? No way. Was it certain that I'd come around? No. Was
he
> taking a big chance? You bet. Was it worth it? I'm grateful every day
for
> his patience and kindness in giving me enough time to make up my mind.
It's that uncertainty that haunts me...the wondering if she's going to
stick around...I just don't know how to shake it and I know that I have to.
We talked last night after I was once again pushing her about the
relationship saying something like 'might as well just break up now...save
us some time'...the funny thing is I was looking for reassurance and ended
up getting kicked in the ass when she told me that yeah, maybe we needed a
break...we talked about it and she said she didn't want to be so serious,
when I asked her what she meant, she basically said she needed some space
sometimes...she said that she doesn't want my world to revolve around her.
I couldn't believe it...I've always been the one saying that I know here I
am being the one doing the smothering.
> Relax, remember that you don't *have* to make a firm committment right
off,
> and give things time to develop without haste and without pressure. Give
her
> as much space as she needs. If she goes away anyway, you wouldn't have
kept
> her by closing her in tighter, and this way she'll realize that you
respect
> her need to let this grow in her own time and rhythm.
Ya know for some reason maybe even just up to this point I thought that the
timing had to be the same for both people, afterall can it be true love if
both people don't feel exactly the same at the same time? Ugh, how did I
become so neurotic? I've let such tiny issues cloud the
relationship...looking back on it I laugh at how silly I've been...
So, what do I do know? We are together, but I don't know where to head or
I guess more importantly how to walk.
Thank you again for your insight, you have no idea how much it helped.
That outside un-biased opinion is really great.
Michael
Vicki Robinson
In a previous article, "Michael" <mbuck...@cncx.com> said:
>
>So, what do I do know? We are together, but I don't know where to head or
>I guess more importantly how to walk.
>
Well, for one thing, stop talking. :-) No, not literally. But don't keep
at her about "the relationship." She knows what you mean, no matter how open
you try to make it, and she's already told you how she feels, you just don't
like her answer.
My husband made sure that he had a life while we were dating. He took flying
lessons, he joined a Linux user group, he'd go out with his coworkers now
and then for splat-ball or a beer. I didn't see him every night, he was
often doing something that he wanted to do (even something as prosaic as the
laundry) and that was good. He wasn't obsessing about me or our relationship
or my eventual answer, and he certainly didn't invest all of his emotional
energy in me. He saw his kids, he watched Babylon 5, he participated in his
newsgroups, he did lots of things that were his. He wasn't shutting me out
at all, but he came to me a whole person with interests and activities that
didn't depend on me and my participation.
It seems paradoxical, but to give this a chance you have to detach a bit.
(And your tendancy is going to be to take the big step, go to a movie alone
one night, and then anxiously watch her for signs that she's coming around.
Don't do it.) I'm talking about a change of focus for your life. It sounds,
although I could be wrong, as though you're making her the center of your
universe and *no one* can stand that! Take a line-dancing class! Learn to
speak French! Take a course in wine appreciation! Learn to cook! Get a
life! From what you've said, your friend has been *very* clear about
feeling overwhelmed. Be grateful that she's trying to tell you this. Don't
give her stuff like "Might as well break up now - save some time." To tell
the truth, that would have had me outta there *real* fast. That's
game-playing and coercion, although I'm sure that's the last thing you
intend. When you find yourself wanting to come out with something blaming
and bitter like that, stop and ask yourself why. What will saying this
accomplish? If you can't answer it with a constructive reason, then don't
say it.
>Thank you again for your insight, you have no idea how much it helped.
>That outside un-biased opinion is really great.
>
Well, that's the strength of Usenet. Remember, though, that advice that you
get from strangers on-line is worth what you pay for it!
Merrie
janelaw wrote:
>
> Michael wrote:
> >
> > I've been dating a woman for about 5 months now...it was an incredible
> > attraction, not just physical but mental as well...things went great and
> > though neither of us was looking for it we fell in love. I have a 5 year
> > old and began to introduce him to her about 3 months into the
> > relationship...we're talking really light stuff here-just enough so he
> > knows the woman I am dating is. For the past month she's starting to get
> > nervous, finding herself in a serious committed relationship is not always
> > comfortable to her...sometimes she just wants to be alone...UGH...well
> > we're working on that and she obviously is not comfortable with the child
> > issue, I want her to take it at her own pace, but what should I expect?
> > I'm torn between my responsibilities as my son's father and my commitment
> > to this woman. Thoughts? How can I bring the two feelings together.
>
> a relationship and committing to parenthood are both so scary.
> For most of us, the committments come separately: you get over
> the former before you have to deal with the latter. If your gf
> can work through her issues about linking her life to yours
> without dealing with your son, then maybe it will be easier.
I suspect that some of her issues may BE the son...
When I was dating my husband I had reservations about getting married
because of the level of interference of his ex-wife - all of which he
"allowed" - *because of the kids*. We went to counselor whom explained
how to remove her without removing the kids from either parent. As the
counselor pointed out it wasn't a hopeless situation as I hadn't ruled
out dating men with kids entirely...
which obviously your girlfriend hasn't done yet...
I would suggest you find out what's troubling her and if there is
something that needs fixing then fix it.
You suggest you are torn between responsiblities for your son and
commitments to the woman. I cannot imagine anyone you care so deeply
for, actually wanting to tear you away from your responsiblities.
However I can see a woman objecting to always being placed in second
priority to a child. You can cover your responsiblities to your son and
still make your girlfriend your priority.
In our blended family the marriage comes first, my husband and I are
united. You can have a rough relationship with a child without it
endangering the family, but without the without the husband/wife
relationship there is no family. This is more threatening to a child
then not getting along with one of the adults.
Merrie
sparky
I'm quite curious about what the counselor said, too. Please share!
My husband STILL has guilt (they've been divorced 10 yrs, we've been married
2 yrs), and the worst thing is, he doesn't see it as guilt ... and the ex
still plays on these emotions. Maybe we should go to a counselor too ...
sparky
Sue98 <922...@ican.net> wrote in message
<6k9lun$sjf$1...@news2.tor.accglobal.net>...
Merrie wrote:
<When I was dating my husband I had reservations about getting married
because of the level of interference of his ex-wife - all of which he
"allowed" - *because of the kids*. We went to counselor whom explained
how to remove her without removing the kids from either parent. >
I think MANY of us go through this stage. It was especially hard for us
as there was so much guilt for my husband. What exactly did the counselor
say? I'm curious.
Northrnwmn
> In our blended family the marriage comes first, my husband and I are
>united. You can have a rough relationship with a child without it
>endangering the family, but without the without the husband/wife
>relationship there is no family. This is more threatening to a child
>then not getting along with one of the adults.
I couldn't agree with you more...wish my husband was of the same opinion! My
19-year old step-daugher moved in with us 4 years ago. We had a great
relationship since I met her dad, when she was 8. However, everything went
down-hill when she moved in. She battled to be the centre of attention all the
time and firmly established a relationship with her father excluding me.
Unfortunately, my husband was blind to my fate and accepted (even passively
encouraged) their doing things together and leaving me out. It almost spelled
the end of our marriage. I tried to give them time together on their own,
knowing they both needed time to re-establish a normal father-daughter
relationship (she hadn't lived with him since she was 4) but the more I backed
off, the more I was excluded by them both. I literally felt unwelcome in my
home.
No amount of talking seemed to help the situation (with either one of them) and
very clearly the primary relationship in our home was with the two of them
until just under a year ago. Maturity (maybe on both their parts!) and one
final blow-out with my husband seemed to make a difference but , believe me, my
bags were half packed!
The worst was the pain inflicted by my SD turning her back on me. I have done
everything I possibly can to spend quality time with her since she was small. I
have cared for her and loved her as my own. I have tried to maintain a balance
by not pressuring her or trying to act as her" mother". I look back and I'm not
sure what I could have done differently...
I would urge all parents who have partners who are step-parenting their
children to be clear with the children that the primary relationship is between
spouses. Children are important, of course, and are just as loved as a spouse.
However, when children realize that they can tear two people apart, that is a
lot of power. Make sure that your children are not allowed to play off you and
your spouse and insist that they treat the step-parent with decency and
respect.
Hopefully this will help someone else from being in the situation I have lived
through the past 3 or 4 years.
Sandy