What Do I Do?
Larry Newton
divorced mother of two. Last night, she got a call from her ex. She was
not happy about how he is living his life with his new girlfriend (spending
the night together while her kids are there, acting irresponsibly, leaving
town for the weekend with the daughters, etc.). This is a problem, because
she was asking me what I thought about the whole situation (they have joint
custody of the daughters). I didn't know how to respond. In fact, I would
rather not be drawn into this kind of fight if I can avoid it, so I didn't
give an opinion. She got upset with me, because whatever problems her kids
experience may become my problem somewhere down the line (assuming we get
married and they live with us part-time).
My question is, where do my responsibilities lie? What business is it of
mine to say anything about the way her ex is living his life? Should I be
involved in this?
Thanks in advance.
Deborah
Just thought I would add my two cents here..and trust me...I am no
expert...having said that, I wouldn't get involved. I think joint
custody is confusing enough without adding exes. My situation with my
ex has definately not improved with the addition of SO's on both
sides.
Like your girlfriend, my ex does lots of things I did not approve of
with the children. BUT.. he is the dad..whether she likes it or not,
when the kids are with him, she has absolutely no say on what he does
with the children. As long as the kids aren't physically harmed...
she is powerless. She might as well get used to that fact right
away... dad can have his GF sleep over, dad is law in dads house.
What goes on in his house is simply none of your girlfriends business.
That was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. It was real hard
for me to believe that my kids had another home in which I had no part
in, but that is a fact. That is the law. If you cross those lines
and try to dictate what goes on in the exes home, you are in the
wrong, even if you are doing it (in your mind and maybe everyone elses
on planets mind ) for the good of the kids. When the dad has physical
custody of the children, he determines what is for the good of the
children. No one else. My ex does lots of rotten things in regards
to the kids... I have to let that go... it'll drive me crazy...and
there is nothing I can do about it... Plus .. to be frank...it is none
of my damn business what goes on in his house.
Just my opinion....
Deb
On Tue, 19 Oct 1999 10:50:59 -0500, "Larry Newton" <lne...@kwom.com>
wrote:
TYounger
I think it was smart of you to bow out of the situation.
Your girlfriend will come around eventually and realize
that you're choosing not to take part in a very
difficult situation, and that's okay.
Unfortunately, unless there is abuse or close, we can
for the other set of parents to live by our standards.
I know in our home, we do some things differently than
bio-mom does, and there are some things that go on in
her home that we (bio-dad and I, step-mom) don't
necessarily agree with. However, lifestyle differences,
unless hazardous to the children (like.. oh, abuse, or
dealing drugs, etc) are really nothing you can change,
so it's a very difficult situation.
Tamara
> Larry Newton said...
TYounger
That first sentence in the second paragraph is supposed
to read "Unfortunately, unless there is abuse or close,
we can't ask for the other set of parents to live by our
standards." - Sorry, that didn't make sense the first
time.
Tamara
> TYounger said...
jane lawrence
>
>
> My question is, where do my responsibilities lie? What business is it of
> mine to say anything about the way her ex is living his life? Should I be
> involved in this?
>
when I blow off steam, but never brings it up again when my ex
and I have resolved the issue. He really doesn't think it's any
of his business, and I agree.
jane
Yvette Campbell
Your girlfriend (GF) cannot control what her ex does with his life or who he
gets involved with.
All she can do is try to control her *reactions* to what he does. Provided
that he isn't placing the children in danger or neglecting their needs,
well, then to put it bluntly, it's none of her business what he does...
Which can really twist your guts, but that's how it is...
Good luck and welcome to the ng
Yvette