stepdad is always around
Maddy
who gets to see his children every other weekend and feels that he does
not get to play a very active role in raising his children. My husband
is having a very hard time with the fact that his children's stepdad is
more involved with his sons than he is ... his ex-wife's new husband
lives with them and interacts with them on a daily basis. What even
more aggravating is that when a situation requires that the mother and
father of the child be present, my husband's ex-wife brings along her
husband. For example, the other night was open-school night for parents
at my stepson's school. My husband drove up (they live 1 hour away)
only to find himself in a room with his ex-wife and her husband. My
husband was very upset and to be honest, I have to agree with him. I
did not presume to take the trip up to this conference as I did not feel
it was my place. It's annoying, to say the least, that this guy needs
to be present in every, single situation involving the kids even when
their bio dad is there.
I understand all the stuff that is said about how it's good for the
children to having as many loving people in their lives as possible. It
just seems that their stepdad's motivation is not necessarily so noble
-- it's more to "stick it" to my husband or something like that.
Just wanted to vent. Any responses would be welcome.
Thanks,
Maddy
janelaw
Maddy,
Your husband is so lucky to have a caring, involved man to watch
over his sons when he can't be there. I'm sorry he feels pushed
out of the picture.
Those open house nights at school are really important to
teacher-parent relations. It really helps teachers to see who
the adults are in a child's life. It really helps parents to
see what the children are dealing with at school. Since SD
spends school nights with the boys, he needs to know what is
going on in their school lives. He really needs to go to these
things. Since you spend considerable time with the boys, you
should go too.
I think you should encourage DH to see the positive side of SD's
involvement. I'm not saying that you shouldn't let him vent.
It must be very difficult to feel your place is being usurped.
But the kids are benefiting from SD's involvement. Even if SD
is grandstanding a little, he is still taking the time and
making the effort to be a good parent to the boys.
You and your husband should focus on increasing your own role in
the kids' lives. Rather than resenting SD for being there for
his kids, your husband should put everything he can into being
there for them, too. An hour drive isn't that far. You two
should try to make it to every event involving the boys that you
can. Join the PTA or the school site council; they only meet
once a month. Go to their games, plays, meets, etc. Talk to
their teachers outside the scheduled meet-and-greet nights. The
more involved your husband is, the less he will feel excluded
from his children's lives. The less excluded he feels, the less
he will resent SD.
Jane
Northrnwmn
I am a step-mom so I see this from a different perspective. I fail to see how
the SD is grand-standing. He is being active in his role as a step-father; I
give him credit for that. It is too bad that your husband is threatened by this
but isn't better for the children to see that they are important to their new
step-father? I can only see this as beneficial for the children as long as they
are happy with his level of involvement.
Helen Smith
My situation is almost exactly the same except that the man in my step kids
lives isnt married to their mum(probably because he is still married to his
SECOND wife)
My husband,although able to say all the right things...i.e.glad that his ex
is happy,glad that his kids have a male role model(for what the guy's worth)
etc...
still finds it very hard to cope with the fact that another man is getting
to see more of his kid's daily life than he is .I think there would be
something lacking in the man if he didn't feel this way,after all we can be
politically correct until the cows come home by saying the "right" thing but
HUMAN emotions do not follow 1990's ultra-civilised ettiquette.
In our particular situation my husband had absolutely no choice...On his
return from Bosnia he was greeted by his then wifes request that he leave
the family home as he had been replaced by another man whose child she was
expecting.To make matters worse the children had been made acsesories to the
deceit by the fact that the affair had been going on with their knowlege and
they had to lie to Daddy and codename the guy "MOUSE"
Under these circumstances how can any man be expected to really believe that
everything is well with the world?
Just thought I would add that yes it is "wonderful" when kids have zillions
of parents BUT I think you'll find that they would really prefer two.
Helen (stepmum of four)and not an authority on anything!
Merrie
I'm afraid you're posting to the wrong group if you want to find anyone
that thinks a step-dad's involvment is a bad idea.
Rather, I think you'll find most of us would point out how much your
step-kids might find it great if you were to show an interest in them
and their school and activites. Then again, maybe you would only feel
comfortable with that if you were with them on a daily basis. Each his
own.
I know for my relationship with my husband it's imperative that I be
well informed on everything about the kids, he needs me to. I would
think that not being involved with his kids stuff would leave a bit of a
void between you. Conversations like "what did you think of his
teacher?" just can't occur unless you participate.
Merrie
Maddy
wrong group if you want to find anyone that thinks ..." Please don't speak for
others, only yourself. I, in fact, did get responses from others who were in my
situation and completely understood my husband's feelings. One person's response,
in particular, was extremely supportive, when she said something to the effect
that (and I'm paraphasing), 'you can be as politically correct as you want and say
how wonderful it is to have so many loving people in your child's life. but human
emotions do not follow 1990's ultra-civilized etiquette ...'
As for my relationship with my husband, I am involved with his children as much as
I want to be involved with his children. At whatever point I choose to not be
involved is my decision and has no impact on "us" as a couple. I also believe, the
children respect the relationship we have, as well. And speaking of respect, that
is one reason why I do not "overstep" my role and intrude upon their bio-mom's
arena. If a situation calls for parents of the children to be present, I assume
mom and dad, and all other loving, caring people in the childrens' lives (including
grandparents, aunts, uncles and step-parents) should stay at home.
Maddy
Kimberly Hable
children's lives... He is making an important impact in those children's
lives every day... I feel that it is best if the step parent and the bio
parent can get along and get involved in the childrens lives together, both
are important to those children. I know that this is not always possible.
School functions such as open house .. I really think that both should
attend. Yes... there are situations where the step parent should be
respectful to the bioparent and not cross those lines.
Just my thoughts,
Kim
Maddy wrote in message <360AC4CE...@spam.fhcrc.org>...
lilblakdog
Maddy <mke...@spam.fhcrc.org> wrote in article
<360C0FEF...@spam.fhcrc.org>...
> As for my relationship with my husband, I am involved with his children
as much as
> I want to be involved with his children. At whatever point I choose to
not be
> involved is my decision and has no impact on "us" as a couple. I also
believe, the
> children respect the relationship we have, as well. And speaking of
respect, that
> is one reason why I do not "overstep" my role and intrude upon their
bio-mom's
> arena. If a situation calls for parents of the children to be present, I
assume
> mom and dad, and all other loving, caring people in the childrens' lives
(including
> grandparents, aunts, uncles and step-parents) should stay at home.
Ummm...Maddy, in all fairness, this is how you wish *your* relationship
with your stepchildren to be. Their stepfather may not see it that way. I
know I wouldn't! For one thing, he *is* the one in the front line. He is
the one who is there to say yes or no or not-before-dinner or
okay-but-only-for-an-hour. It's one thing to say that you're only going to
devote a certain amount of yourself to your stepchildren and not anymore
when you don't live with them...when you do, you have virtually no choice
but to devote all of yourself to them.
Don't get me wrong, I understand your husband's feelings completely. I
have them quite often about my stepson's stepfather and I don't doubt that
my husband does as well. He wouldn't be human if he didn't feel a certain
amount of jealousy and regret. However, I can also understand this other
man's feelings and actions. Your husband chose to leave the household. He
had to at least suspect that she would be marrying again and that someone
else would be there day in and day out. If your husband resents the time
this man has to spend with his children, then perhaps he should try being
there more himself. An hour really isn't a whole lot...my husband would
happily do that. He used to drive all night, every weekend, to spend a day
and a half with his son before driving all night to come back to work.
As for him butting in on "every" occasion, there are a *lot* of us
stepparents who do wish to involve ourselves in our children's lives to a
great extent. We happen to enjoy our stepchildren and the time we have to
spend with them. My love for my stepson has nothing to do with my general
dislike for his mother and I seriously doubt that this man is trying to
"stick it" to your husband. More likely, it's your husband's own sense of
absent-father-guilt and jelousy that has him thinking that this man is just
out to get him. Your husband is entirely entitled to his feelings and they
are completely valid ones, but he had to realize that the raising of his
child would be left to his ex-wife and whoever she chooses to share her
life with and I don't see that there is any evidence of the stepfather
overstepping his boundaries.
lil
SoccerStepMom
>
> You should never presume to say that "most of us ..." or "you're posting to the
> wrong group if you want to find anyone that thinks ..." Please don't speak for
> others, only yourself. I, in fact, did get responses from others who were in my
> situation and completely understood my husband's feelings. One person's response,
> in particular, was extremely supportive, when she said something to the effect
> that (and I'm paraphasing), 'you can be as politically correct as you want and say
> how wonderful it is to have so many loving people in your child's life. but human
>
> As for my relationship with my husband, I am involved with his children as much as
> I want to be involved with his children. At whatever point I choose to not be
> involved is my decision and has no impact on "us" as a couple. I also believe, the
> children respect the relationship we have, as well. And speaking of respect, that
> is one reason why I do not "overstep" my role and intrude upon their bio-mom's
> arena. If a situation calls for parents of the children to be present, I assume
> mom and dad, and all other loving, caring people in the childrens' lives (including
> grandparents, aunts, uncles and step-parents) should stay at home.
>
As a custodial stepmom who is very involved in the lives of my stepkids,
I have to say, I'm not sure I see the same line you draw. Of course
their Dad and Mom are their only "real" parents. And no one could ever
take their place in the hearts of the boys.
But I have a big role in raising them. I *am* around all the time,
because they live in the same house I do. I help them with homework
many nights, and do other things to further their education. It is
natural that I be at school meetings. And the kids expect me on the
sidelines or in the audience cheering at soccer games and school plays,
just as they expect their Mom and their Dad.
Actually, what may be un-natural is for the divorced parents to show up
as a "couple" at kids' events. My stepsons' therapist actually advised
my husband to include me in such things, as it otherwise conveyed the
impression that his parents would reunite, or maginalized my role in the
children's life.
All that said, I do understand the pang that one must feel to see
someone else living in the same house as your kids and doing the
parent-like things you wish you were still around to do. But a
custodial step-parent *does* have a big role in the stepkids' lives, and
it may be better to acknowledge that role rather than fight it.
SSM
BTW, I'm sure my husband's ex thinks I am trying to "stick it" to her
when I show up at kids' events, but that is not my intention at all.
It's just that this is my life, and I am going about living it. I wish
we could collaborate...
Merrie
You are correct that I was being presumptive - meaning based on
probability or reasonable ground for belief - since all the responding
posts I see seem to be in favor of step-parent involvment. The "your
posting to the wrong group" statement was actually meant to be
sympathetic - I was just pointing out that this is a step-parent support
group and responses are generally favorable to steps. (And I for one am
very glad.)
I'm not a single parent but I have heard from my single parent friends
that one of the harder parts doing it alone is trying to parent by
yourself, with no one to bounce ideas or sound things out to. Your
husbands ex has decided to parent their child with her current husband,
and this leaves your husband outside the loop.
I don't see anyone in a better position to help him with this situation
except you. My husbands concerns are my highest priority.
Merrie
Maddy wrote:
>
> You should never presume to say that "most of us ..." or "you're posting to the
> wrong group if you want to find anyone that thinks ..." Please don't speak for
> others, only yourself. I, in fact, did get responses from others who were in my
> situation and completely understood my husband's feelings. One person's response,
> in particular, was extremely supportive, when she said something to the effect
> that (and I'm paraphasing), 'you can be as politically correct as you want and say
> how wonderful it is to have so many loving people in your child's life. but human
> emotions do not follow 1990's ultra-civilized etiquette ...'
>
> As for my relationship with my husband, I am involved with his children as much as
> I want to be involved with his children. At whatever point I choose to not be
> involved is my decision and has no impact on "us" as a couple. I also believe, the
> children respect the relationship we have, as well. And speaking of respect, that
> is one reason why I do not "overstep" my role and intrude upon their bio-mom's
> arena. If a situation calls for parents of the children to be present, I assume
> mom and dad, and all other loving, caring people in the childrens' lives (including
> grandparents, aunts, uncles and step-parents) should stay at home.
>
> Maddy
>
mkmk...@my-dejanews.com
"lilblakdog" <lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
>
> Your husband chose to leave the household ...
> lil
>
Ummm, how do you know this?
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum
mkmk...@my-dejanews.com
SoccerStepMom <soccer...@usa.net> wrote:
> As a custodial stepmom who is very involved in the lives of my stepkids,
> I have to say, I'm not sure I see the same line you draw. Of course
> their Dad and Mom are their only "real" parents. And no one could ever
> take their place in the hearts of the boys
... But let's say this step-dad WANTS to take the bio-father's place in the
hearts of the boys. There are too many examples and reasons why I say such a
thing, but it's true. This step-dad is so self-righteous in his feeling that
he is a more moral, better influence on my husband's children. And I'm sure
if he had his way he would prefer that the children never saw their bio-dad
at all. FYI, though I am a bit prejudiced, my husband is a wonderful dad! My
husband does make himself present at every possible occasion. Both of us go
up every weekend to watch their soccer games, he goes to every school
function, etc. However, being the non-custodial parent, he has very little
say on when he can see his kids alone, on a daily basis because of the fact
that they live an hour away, they are 8 and 5 and can't decide for themselves
when they want to spend time with their dad, and mainly because of what I had
mentioned earlier -- both the bio-mom and her husband want to keep the
influence of my husband as minimal as possible. So, he basically has them as
"visitors" every other weekend. Just imagine how painful it would be if you
had bio-children whom you loved and adored and WANTED to be with, yet were
only "allowed" to see them every other weekend. Then someone else comes into
the picture and decides to "take over" this role that you so wanted to
perform?
mkmk...@my-dejanews.com
Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote:
> I'm not a single parent but I have heard from my single parent friends
> that one of the harder parts doing it alone is trying to parent by
> yourself, with no one to bounce ideas or sound things out to. Your
> husbands ex has decided to parent their child with her current husband,
> and this leaves your husband outside the loop.
Correct and you find this fair? His ex-wife was NEVER a single parent. The
divorce between my husband and her did not divorce him from his parental
responsibilities. He ALWAYS wanted to have joint custody and share equally in
parenting his children. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way ...
nancy g.
> SoccerStepMom <soccer...@usa.net> wrote:
>> As a custodial stepmom who is very involved in the lives of my stepkids,
>> I have to say, I'm not sure I see the same line you draw. Of course
>> their Dad and Mom are their only "real" parents. And no one could ever
>> take their place in the hearts of the boys
> ... But let's say this step-dad WANTS to take the bio-father's place in the
> hearts of the boys. There are too many examples and reasons why I say such a
> thing, but it's true.
Wanting has nothing to do with it. Their Dad is their Dad and always
will be. That doesn't mean that step-dad can't make his *OWN* place in
their heart. And if he loves the kids and the kids love him, I'm sorry
to sound like I'm arguing with you here, but I still feel that is a very
*GOOD* thing for all concerned, but especially for the children.
My S.O. is a wonderful father who loves my children almost as much as he
loves his own. YES, once we're together he will attend every possible meeting
and conference and show at their school, and of course I'll be at anything
that concerns his children. Why? Because we aren't planning to consider
ourselves two families that live under one roof -- we will be one family, with
a mom and a dad and some children. Now, some of those children *also* have
another dad, and some of those children *also* have another mom ... that gives
them more parents than many kids might have, but it doesn't mean that any of
the parents involved, bio or step, are losing out on anything!
> This step-dad is so self-righteous in his feeling that
> he is a more moral, better influence on my husband's children.
Well, I guess you have your reasons for saying so, but really, it sounds
like you're doing some mind-reading here ... maybe not.
In any case, let him think what he wants. Let him be smug and self-righteous.
What you (and your husband) need to do is keep his attitude separate from
your relationship with your children. Your husband can go right on being the
best dad he can be to these kids, and he can do it in the same way he would
if the step-dad weren't even in the picture. Let him build a relationship with
his children independent of whoever else is in their lives when he's not being
their primary caretaker.
> And I'm sure if he had his way he would prefer that the children
> never saw their bio-dad at all.
Tough. (For him, that is) Even if this really is his attitude, don't
let it bother you. Your husband *is* in the picture and will continue
to be, and what step-dad feels or what you think he's feeling shouldn't
change that.
> Both of us go
> up every weekend to watch their soccer games, he goes to every school
> function, etc.
I'm kind of curious about this statement ... you said you wouldn't go to
their school open house, because you felt it wasn't your place to do so,
and yet you go to their soccer games? Why do you feel *some* things are
appropriate for you to attend and others are not? Where do you draw the line,
and why?
Do bio mom and stepdad attend the soccer games too? How does your husband
feel about that?
> However, being the non-custodial parent, he has very little
> say on when he can see his kids alone, on a daily basis because of the fact
> that they live an hour away, they are 8 and 5 and can't decide for themselves
> when they want to spend time with their dad, and mainly because of what I had
> mentioned earlier -- both the bio-mom and her husband want to keep the
> influence of my husband as minimal as possible. So, he basically has them as
> "visitors" every other weekend.
Is this the schedule that's in their divorce agreement? If so, he could go back
to court and ask to have it changed. An hour really isn't that far to travel
if he wants to see his children that badly ... sure, he couldn't go pick them up,
bring them home, spend time with them, and then bring them back to Mom's house
again all on a school night, but he could certainly go one or two nights a week
to pick them up and take them out to supper, right? If homework is a consideration,
he could take them to the library that night and work on it with them.
If being an hour away from his kids is such a drawback, could you possibly
find a house in a town closer to bio mom?
What stepdad and biomom want shouldn't be the only basis for what the schedule
is. If there hasn't been any court involvement in the schedule up to now, maybe
it's time there should be.
> Just imagine how painful it would be if you
> had bio-children whom you loved and adored and WANTED to be with, yet were
> only "allowed" to see them every other weekend.
This sounds like a much bigger problem than your initial post, which made it
seem that your husband was upset about stepdad attending the school open house.
I still think that was entirely appropriate and should be considered a good
thing for the kids.
If the amount of time your husband spends with his kids is really what's
the big issue here, then by all means look into getting it adjusted.
Would you be willing to support him in a bid to get custody of the children
on an equal basis with bio mom? If he moved into the same town as she lives in,
he could conceivably get the court to go along with a 50/50 split.
> Then someone else comes into
> the picture and decides to "take over" this role that you so wanted to
> perform?
Again, I object to this line of thinking. A stepdad does not "take over" the
role of the dad any more than a new child in a family "takes over" the role of
the older child. A stepdad is an *addition* to the child's life, not a replacement.
Your husband should try to look at it this way, and be glad that at least his
children have this positive influence in their lives for those times when he can't
be there himself.
And no, btw, I am *not* looking at this just from my perspective of someone who
is about to be giving her children a stepdad of their own ... I am equally pleased
when my girls go to stay with their dad and come home talking about the great times
they've had with him and his new S.O. and her children ... I am *pleased* that
there is a good mother figure in their dad's house, and I am not in the least bit
worried that she might act *too* concerned or parental toward them. The more she
cares about them, the better off they'll be when they're with Dad.
Just my thoughts. Take them or leave them.
janelaw
>
> In article <360EBE...@pon.net>,
> Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote:
>
> > I'm not a single parent but I have heard from my single parent friends
> > that one of the harder parts doing it alone is trying to parent by
> > yourself, with no one to bounce ideas or sound things out to. Your
> > husbands ex has decided to parent their child with her current husband,
> > and this leaves your husband outside the loop.
>
> Correct and you find this fair? His ex-wife was NEVER a single parent. The
> divorce between my husband and her did not divorce him from his parental
> responsibilities. He ALWAYS wanted to have joint custody and share equally in
> parenting his children. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way ...
> >
>
>
I'm not sure how you can say BM was never a single parent,
unless, of course, she remarried the date her divorce became
final. Even then, I would consider her a single parent between
DH's departure and her remarriage.
I think what Merrie meant was that during the time the children
were with BM, they were in a household with one parent present.
This can be extremely difficult. It appears that BM has found a
mate with whom she can effectively co-parent. Now the children
live with two parents all the time: BM/SF or BF/SM. This is
good for the children, because it gives them more stability and
resources. It is good for BM because she has a helpmate. I
assume that BF can also rely on you to help with raising the
kids.
Neither you nor SF are taking anything away from the children.
You fill a void. Once BM and BD broke up, the choice was
between BM and no other parent in the home or BM and a step
parent of her choice. SF appears to be actively interested and
involved in the children's lives. He didn't set up the
custody/visitation schedule. Divorce is sad and ugly. It's
painful all around. I just don't see what SF is doing wrong.
Jane
mkmk...@my-dejanews.com
"nancy g." <nan...@tiac.net> wrote:
>
>
> I'm kind of curious about this statement ... you said you wouldn't go to
> their school open house, because you felt it wasn't your place to do so,
> and yet you go to their soccer games? Why do you feel *some* things are
> appropriate for you to attend and others are not? Where do you draw the line,
> and why?
Soccer games are for everyone -- family, friends, etc. School functions are
for the parents of the children -- not for all loved ones.
>
> Do bio mom and stepdad attend the soccer games too? How does your husband
> feel about that?
>
That doesn't really bother him. It bothers him when certain situations are
specifically for the "parents" of the children. I understand all the remarks
about how step parents can love the children and be an integral part of the
lives. So can grandparents, so can aunts and uncles and cousins and friends.
That doesn't mean that all of these people should show up for every occasion
involving the children. When a function is specifically for the parents, my
husband assumes the mother and father.
>
> Is this the schedule that's in their divorce agreement? If so, he could go
back
> to court and ask to have it changed. An hour really isn't that far to travel
> if he wants to see his children that badly ... sure, he couldn't go pick them
up,
> bring them home, spend time with them, and then bring them back to Mom's house
> again all on a school night, but he could certainly go one or two nights a
week
> to pick them up and take them out to supper, right? If homework is a
consideration,
> he could take them to the library that night and work on it with them.
Yes, it is in the divorce agreement. His ex-wife intentionally moved 50
miles away so that 50/50 custody was not an option. And no, she is not
amenable to allowing my husband to have any "extra" time with *his* children.
As I've said, she and her husband want him to have as little influence as
possible.
>
> If being an hour away from his kids is such a drawback, could you possibly
> find a house in a town closer to bio mom?
>
As mentioned, she intentionally moved once before. Who is to say she won't do
it again after we move to her town? In addition, my husband and I have a son
together. We have to consider him if we decide to move. It's not easy to
uproot one's entire life ... and then find that it was all for nothing if she
then moves away.
>
>
> If the amount of time your husband spends with his kids is really what's
> the big issue here, then by all means look into getting it adjusted.
>
> Would you be willing to support him in a bid to get custody of the children
> on an equal basis with bio mom? If he moved into the same town as she lives
in,
> he could conceivably get the court to go along with a 50/50 split.
>
The courts will not support getting it adjusted. Clearly courts (especially
in the state of Washington) support the mothers both in terms of custody and
financial support. In any case, she would argue that splitting time is
impossible as the children are both in school and the travel back and forth
would be too hard on them. Trust me, my husband went through this in court
once, he can't bare to deal with it again.
> > Then someone else comes into
> > the picture and decides to "take over" this role that you so wanted to
> > perform?
>
>
> And no, btw, I am *not* looking at this just from my perspective of someone
who
> is about to be giving her children a stepdad of their own ... I am equally
pleased
> when my girls go to stay with their dad and come home talking about the great
times
> they've had with him and his new S.O. and her children ... I am *pleased* that
> there is a good mother figure in their dad's house, and I am not in the least
bit
> worried that she might act *too* concerned or parental toward them. The more
she
> cares about them, the better off they'll be when they're with Dad.
>
Your children are fortunate. Really. But try to imagine that your girls
lived primarily with their dad and his wife and they made it clear that your
time with the children was just "visitation" and their true house and home
was with them.
lilblakdog
mkmk...@my-dejanews.com wrote in article
<6uoi8j$p75$1...@nnrp1.dejanews.com>...
> Ummm, how do you know this?
I know it because we *all* have a choice. Even if she left him, he
contributed to the factors that made it so. Marriage breakups--regardless
of what anyone says--are never one-sided.
lil
Merrie
>
> In article <360EBE...@pon.net>,
> Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote:
>
> > I'm not a single parent but I have heard from my single parent friends
> > that one of the harder parts doing it alone is trying to parent by
> > yourself, with no one to bounce ideas or sound things out to. Your
> > husbands ex has decided to parent their child with her current husband,
> > and this leaves your husband outside the loop.
>
> Correct and you find this fair?
When it comes to who gets to cry "unfair!" I believe that just the kids
get to claim that because they don't make the decisions, they just have
to live with them. Adults make the decisions and compromises on things
like how far do we live apart, how often do we visit, which lawyer do I
choose... There aren't any set rules and what works for some doesn't
work for others, and fair can't be defined.
His ex-wife was NEVER a single parent.
I suppose single parent is a poor use of the word. I meant someone who
was having to parent the children by themselves on a day to day basis.
They find no one to help or relieve them when at their wits end, or
having had a hard day.
I don't know of any situations where the ex spouse calls up the other
parent and says "I've told Jr. 4 times already to take out the trash and
it's beginning to wear me down - can you come over here and make sure he
gets it done?"
The
> divorce between my husband and her did not divorce him from his parental
> responsibilities. He ALWAYS wanted to have joint custody and share equally in
> parenting his children. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way ...
> >I think that your husbands parenting of his children should not depend upon his ex-wife. He should be out of her loop, and have established ones of his own.
> I do think it is unfair to children for one parent to alienate their other parent - regardless of whom has custody. I don't see that a step-dad attending a school function does that.
But there is a difference between actively alienating someone and not
being responsible to make sure they parent their child.
This idea that you have that certain school functions are only for
parents is a new one to me. For some of us in the postion of custodial
stay at home step-moms and who are the person that is directly
responsible for helping the students get through school, it's an
absolute must that we attend. I also want to note that I have a friend
that is a kindergarten teacher in a neighborhood that has the two
extremes in class levels - from very rich to very poor. She often
(Often) has whole family sets come - aunts, uncles and grandparents - of
the wealthy students. Of the welfare students - often it's no one...
Merrie
JPretty18
I agree that is hard to draw the lines...and they should be drawn very
cautiously, if at all. I try to look at it from my role with my
stepchildren...and if there is an activity that effects my role or relationship
with them, than I move heaven and earth to be there....and I know that is what
my stepsons expect...same way they expect their Dad, Mom, and SF to be
there..and they do express disappointment when someone misses.....this to me
holds value far over stepping on a bio-parents role...if the child wants me
there or needs me there, then I am there. My one step-son is ADHD/PDD and I
attend each and every doctor appointment, his Mom tried to have me left out,
but the doctor pointed out that I am just as involved in his care and it only
benefits him for me to understand his treatment and diagnosis....he asked her
what her motivations were for alienating me, to which she tried to say that I
was afraid of her and my fiance to be alone together, which he calmly dismissed
as irrelevant....hmmmmm.
I do not like the distinction that parents only equals Mom and Dad...because in
many cases that is not true....any adult who lives with a child has influence
on a child that mirrors parenting. Until my fiance moves in next month, my
sister and her 4 year old son live with me....his father is hardly around and I
find that I am the one holding the video camera, reading stories, attending
school plays....and so to a certain degree co-parenting my nephew with my
sister, I even helped potty train him....she makes a point of letting me know
what is going on at school and has asked me to chaperone etc. to help foster
the role I have played with my nephew (boy am i going to miss him).....and yes
there are grandparents who do all the parenting for hosts of reasons...should
they be excluded just becasue they are not titled Mom or Dad??? our roles as
step-parents are important ones and we should not let adult jealousies or
insecurities get in the way of being there for our step-children...and to me at
times that seems to motivate the stepping back....my sister has never been
anything but thankful for the void I have helped to fill in my nephews
life.....and no matter how much the non-custodial bio-parent is around, there
is still a void, and I think it helps to have a caring involved step-parent to
help fill it.
I do think that the feelings that the non-custodial parents have of being
replaced are real and valid, and I am there for my fiance when he needs to vent
or be validated, becasue I know it does hurt him that their step-father is
there more than him, but he realizes that is up to him to be as much of a
father as he wants to be and he works hard to be an active non-custodial
parent. His ex makes most decisions without asking him or including him...and
until recently he would wait to receive info through her...he finally got smart
and got more involved and we are lucky that the teachers his sons have this
year send him copies of everything...so we get info first hand and then we
decide what we go to....rather than be told about it afterwards....
I am sure that his ex and her fiance want nothing more than for us to have our
own children, because they think we will go away and leave them alone, she is
constantly encouraging me to have a baby...she too just moved 50 miles away,
stating that she did not want to live in the same town as us and needed to get
away, well we have not let that distance curb out prescence in the boys
life.....and we still see her just as much , if not more now, that she has made
this move.
just adding my two cents.....in my humble opinion, a good step-parent is an
involved step-parent....it hurts children to live with someone they perceive
isnt interested in them, trust me, I know.
techchik
<snip>
>
>I do not like the distinction that parents only equals Mom and Dad...because in
>many cases that is not true....any adult who lives with a child has influence
>on a child that mirrors parenting.
<snip>
>our roles as
>step-parents are important ones and we should not let adult jealousies or
>insecurities get in the way of being there for our step-children...and to me at
>times that seems to motivate the stepping back....my sister has never been
>anything but thankful for the void I have helped to fill in my nephews
>life.....and no matter how much the non-custodial bio-parent is around, there
>is still a void, and I think it helps to have a caring involved step-parent to
>help fill it.
>
Here here!!!
<TC gives JPretty a standing ovation>
>I do think that the feelings that the non-custodial parents have of being
>replaced are real and valid, and I am there for my fiance when he needs to vent
>or be validated, becasue I know it does hurt him that their step-father is
>there more than him, but he realizes that is up to him to be as much of a
>father as he wants to be and he works hard to be an active non-custodial
>parent. His ex makes most decisions without asking him or including him...and
>until recently he would wait to receive info through her...he finally got smart
>and got more involved and we are lucky that the teachers his sons have this
>year send him copies of everything...so we get info first hand and then we
>decide what we go to....rather than be told about it afterwards....
>
My husband goes through this as well. The consolation is that the
kids are starting to realize his involvement and appreciate it. He is
thier Daddy and they love him unconditionally - I just have to remind
him of that sometimes. He often asks why I put so much time and
attention into these matters, and the answer is easy. He is unhappy
when he is not involved in his kids lives - I can't stand to see him
unhappy. It's that simple. (Ok, ok, the sound of my 3yo SS saying "I
wuv you bunches and bunches, Linna-mom" has a little to do with it as
well <grin>)
I wish, I wish... <sigh> In my dream world all CP's, NCP's, and SP's
woud put aside their hostilities at least where the children are
concerned. Kids are like sponges, or perhaps morrors is a better
term. They absorb and reflect what they are surrounded with. Your
attitude is very healthy and sane. It sounds like you will be a
wonderful step-mother.
>I am sure that his ex and her fiance want nothing more than for us to have our
>own children, because they think we will go away and leave them alone, she is
>constantly encouraging me to have a baby...
<giggle> We heard this a couple of weeks ago, "Why don't you just go
and have kids of your own and leave us alone". I think sometimes she
forgets that those are "kids of his own", they just live in her house.
-TC
Techchik
nu...@nospam.newsguy.com
Jeanette Cameron
JPretty18 wrote:
> I agree that is hard to draw the lines...and they should be drawn very
> cautiously, if at all. I try to look at it from my role with my
> stepchildren...and if there is an activity that effects my role or relationship
> with them, than I move heaven and earth to be there....and I know that is what
> my stepsons expect...same way they expect their Dad, Mom, and SF to be
> there..and they do express disappointment when someone misses.....this to me
> holds value far over stepping on a bio-parents role...if the child wants me
> there or needs me there, then I am there. My one step-son is ADHD/PDD and I
> attend each and every doctor appointment, his Mom tried to have me left out,
> but the doctor pointed out that I am just as involved in his care and it only
> benefits him for me to understand his treatment and diagnosis....he asked her
> what her motivations were for alienating me, to which she tried to say that I
> was afraid of her and my fiance to be alone together, which he calmly dismissed
> as irrelevant....hmmmmm.
>
> I do not like the distinction that parents only equals Mom and Dad...because in
> many cases that is not true....any adult who lives with a child has influence
> on a child that mirrors parenting. Until my fiance moves in next month, my
> sister and her 4 year old son live with me....his father is hardly around and I
> find that I am the one holding the video camera, reading stories, attending
> school plays....and so to a certain degree co-parenting my nephew with my
> sister, I even helped potty train him....she makes a point of letting me know
> what is going on at school and has asked me to chaperone etc. to help foster
> the role I have played with my nephew (boy am i going to miss him).....and yes
> there are grandparents who do all the parenting for hosts of reasons...should
> they be excluded just becasue they are not titled Mom or Dad??? our roles as
> step-parents are important ones and we should not let adult jealousies or
> insecurities get in the way of being there for our step-children...and to me at
> times that seems to motivate the stepping back....my sister has never been
> anything but thankful for the void I have helped to fill in my nephews
> life.....and no matter how much the non-custodial bio-parent is around, there
> is still a void, and I think it helps to have a caring involved step-parent to
> help fill it.
>
> I do think that the feelings that the non-custodial parents have of being
> replaced are real and valid, and I am there for my fiance when he needs to vent
> or be validated, becasue I know it does hurt him that their step-father is
> there more than him, but he realizes that is up to him to be as much of a
> father as he wants to be and he works hard to be an active non-custodial
> parent. His ex makes most decisions without asking him or including him...and
> until recently he would wait to receive info through her...he finally got smart
> and got more involved and we are lucky that the teachers his sons have this
> year send him copies of everything...so we get info first hand and then we
> decide what we go to....rather than be told about it afterwards....
>
> I am sure that his ex and her fiance want nothing more than for us to have our
> own children, because they think we will go away and leave them alone, she is
> constantly encouraging me to have a baby...she too just moved 50 miles away,
> stating that she did not want to live in the same town as us and needed to get
> away, well we have not let that distance curb out prescence in the boys
> life.....and we still see her just as much , if not more now, that she has made
> this move.
>
> just adding my two cents.....in my humble opinion, a good step-parent is an
> involved step-parent....it hurts children to live with someone they perceive
> isnt interested in them, trust me, I know.
I also agree that NCPs having feelings of being replaced are valid. In my
situation, my SD constantly tells us that her mother tells her that her step-father
is her real father and that her step-father's name is on her birth certificate. My
husband had to show her a copy of her birth certificate to show her that his name
was on it. (He had to take the mother to court to have his name put on the birth
certificate because she didn't want it on there.) My SD's mother also tells SD to
call her step-father Daddy and to call her father by his first name.
My SD's stepfather told the court during the custody battle that he didn't like my
husband, he didn't want my husband involved in his child's life, and he doesn't
feel my husband should be notified about what goes on in her life. He even had the
audacity to want the court to take away his visitations.
I think the roles of stepparents need to be defined; that is not to say that
stepparents shouldn't be involved and loving. I have taken the step-back
approach. I recognize that my SD is not my child and I am not her (biological)
mother. I am a form of mother (parent) to her and I am not trying to be or take
the place of her mother. Any major decisions and discussions about my SD should
occur primarily between her mother and my husband.
I don't try to inflict my ideas, things I like doing, and the goals I have for my
children upon my SD because 1) she isn't mine so what right do I have to mold or
influence her, 2) why not let the biological parents be the primary parents if both
are willing to be so, and 3) my husband doesn't have custody so my views and
thoughts (nor his) doesn't matter anyways. My husband gets mad at me when I refer
to her as my SD and not as my child or my daughter. He refers to her as our
daughter. This is my way of not taking my SD's mother's place and to give her the
respect or credit of being my SD's mother. It has nothing to do with not accepting
my SD.
Maddy
Thank you for this response. I was the original poster and had gotten many, many
responses basically saying that there was something wrong with my husband for not
welcoming this step-father into my husband's sons' lives with open arms. And that
there was something wrong with me for not playing the mother role to my two step-sons.
I, too, take the "step-back" approach. I care about my step-sons and want only the
best for them, but I let the parenting of them remain with their biological parents.
Unfortunately, my step-son's step-father has taken it upon himself to raise these kids
as he sees fit and he and the bio-mom try to keep my husband as uninvolved as
possible. Many responses say that my husband can be involved as much as he wants to be
involved. That is complete BS as he is only allowed to see them every other weekend
and the occasional soccer game or open school night. This does not allow for very
effective involvement nor parenting no matter what anyone else claims.
Again, it's nice to hear another perspective that justifies my (and my husband's)
feelings.
Maddy