Am I the only one that sees the problem?
lilblakdog
about how to spend his son's current visit. I think his idea is perfectly
ridiculous, but maybe I'm just being difficult.
You see, it's now Sunday and we have him until his mother comes for the
weekend on Friday (well, the idea is that he would be taken over to the
in-laws--where biomom is staying--when we go there for dinner on Saturday).
DH works shifts and his days off this week are Thursday and Friday. I'm
going to have to find a way to entertain my stepson by myself for Monday to
Wednesday...not a big problem. So this evening I suggested that we clean
the house Wednesday evening (just in case biomom decides to stop in to see
her son's home-away-from-home) and then spend all of Thursday out of the
house (thinking we could go to the fair for the day, or something like
that) so it didn't get dirty again before the weekend. Well, DH said that
he planned for us to go to the Imax Theatre Thursday afternoon and then
take the train out to Maple Ridge (where his parents live) for him to spend
Thursday night and Friday with his grandparents.
Now this is where I have the problem. Grandma doesn't work and Grampa's on
vacation--why not spend Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday with the grandparents,
when I'd otherwise be alone with him? Why on earth would we get him for
three hours of DH's two days off and give him to the grandparents for the
rest of the time? And now DH is doing the, "That's fine...he'll just have
to live without seeing his grandparents" and I'm feeling like the bad guy.
I'd happily take my stepson to his grandparents' on Tuesday afternoon and
leave him out there for Wednesday. Then either Grandma can bring him home
or take him to DH's store on Wednesday evening so they can go home
together. But DH keeps telling me not to worry about it. I say if we
figure out an alternative now, we won't be faced with having to tell
Grandma on Wednesday that we have other plans for DH's days off.
Should I just have kept my mouth shut? It seemed ridiculous to bring my
stepson over here for the week if DH is going to cheat himself out of the
only time he has to spend with him!
lil
Dean Barker
>
> Okay, I need some advice. DH and I are having a bit of a disagreement
> about how to spend his son's current visit. I think his idea is perfectly
> ridiculous, but maybe I'm just being difficult.
Can somebody *please* tell me what DH stands for?
Designated Hitter?
Double Header?
-Dean
Vicki Robinson
>Okay, I need some advice. DH and I are having a bit of a disagreement
>about how to spend his son's current visit. I think his idea is perfectly
>ridiculous, but maybe I'm just being difficult.
>
[snip]
>Now this is where I have the problem. Grandma doesn't work and Grampa's on
>vacation--why not spend Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday with the grandparents,
>when I'd otherwise be alone with him? Why on earth would we get him for
>three hours of DH's two days off and give him to the grandparents for the
>rest of the time? And now DH is doing the, "That's fine...he'll just have
>to live without seeing his grandparents" and I'm feeling like the bad guy.
>I'd happily take my stepson to his grandparents' on Tuesday afternoon and
>leave him out there for Wednesday. Then either Grandma can bring him home
>or take him to DH's store on Wednesday evening so they can go home
>together. But DH keeps telling me not to worry about it. I say if we
>figure out an alternative now, we won't be faced with having to tell
>Grandma on Wednesday that we have other plans for DH's days off.
>
>Should I just have kept my mouth shut? It seemed ridiculous to bring my
>stepson over here for the week if DH is going to cheat himself out of the
>only time he has to spend with him!
>
I don't understand it either, lil, but your husband is giving every sign of
having reasons (whatever they are, and as rational or irrational as they may
be) that he doesn't want to share with you. *My* choice here would be to
tell myself that his reasons are his, and not to push any further. He is
clearly not being logical, and he is clearly annoyed by your wanting a
rational decision, and it doesn't sound as if he's in any mood to reconsider.
That dumb "OK, then he'll just have to go without seeing his grandparents" is
the tip-off. That is *patently* not so, he's just trying to close the door
on the discussion.
Your ss is your husband's child, and, in this case, I'd just tell myself that
I am not meant right now to know what's going on, and I'd just make the most
of the three days that I have alone with the boy and let your husband deal
with whatever his problem is.
The sad thing is that your DH is not only cheating himself out of that time,
he's cheating his son out of one-on-one time too.
Vicki
--
Vicki Robinson
<blink><a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/binky.html">BINKY!</a></blink>
Visit my home page at <a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts"> Vicki's Home Page
</a> and sign my guest book. Millions have!
some...@my-dejanews.com
Dean Barker <de...@cray.com> wrote:
> lilblakdog wrote:
> >
> > Okay, I need some advice. DH and I are having a bit of a disagreement
> > about how to spend his son's current visit. I think his idea is perfectly
> > ridiculous, but maybe I'm just being difficult.
>
> Designated Hitter?
> Double Header?
>
> -Dean
I usually read it as "Dear Husband" but if someone using it is angry,
the D could stand for something else.
Now that I think of it, I never see DW though there are men who post here.
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum
lilblakdog
Dean Barker <de...@cray.com> wrote in article <35E1BB...@cray.com>...
> Can somebody *please* tell me what DH stands for?
> Designated Hitter?
> Double Header?
Dear husband. Unless you're annoyed with him...I was probably more in the
mood for damned husband...or dead husband...or daft husband...etc.
lil :-)
SoccerStepMom
Wait, I always thought it was Divorced Husband. I am so confused...SSM
Rose
SoccerStepMom wrote:
Don't feel alone, SSM. I did too...lol, reckon I'm as confused as you?
Rose
Pugg
I enjoyed reading about it, thanks.
Wishing you many more like that...
Maria
lilblakdog wrote in message <01bdcfbe$76c99460$400067d1@watsons>...
>
>
>BTW, we had a terrific day today. I was worried, because DH has just got a
>promotion and it means that he's no longer able to cut is visitation days
>down to four hours; I'd have to entertain my stepson until dinner time.
>But it was no problem! We had a quiet morning so that my stepson could
>settle back into being "home" (you know...reaquaint himself with his
>computer and books and stuff) and then headed for the mall. The last pair
>of shoes his mom bought him were a size three and were constantly falling
>off his feet as he walked. I wanted to buy him new ones in the right size
>and with laces (I figured it was about time he learned to tie shoes) and it
>turns out that he takes a size one! And I'm even wondering if those might
>be a little roomy! They look great, too! I went on a shopping spree on
>Saturday and bought him a whole Nevada Jeans outfit...black jeans, white
>t-shirt and black suede vest (which will *never* find its way to Momma's!).
> They look so cool with his bright orange hair! My ten year highschool
>reunion is coming up and I want them all to see what a great looking kid I
>got! Anyhow, after the shoe bit, we went to the dollar store so that he
>could pick out new activity books and a new journal. We bought some huge
>stickers and poster board so that we could make a poster for his room.
>Then we went to the library, because I thought that I could teach him how
>to do a simple report. We got him a new library card and took out three
>books on whales and two movies. Then, since he'd eaten all his lunch, I
>took him to Dairy Queen for a milkshake and then to the park. He ran
>around and played while I sat on a bench with our stuff. Then we came home
>to a huge glass of lemonade!
>
>You know, he's so funny...he just cracks me up. He's so easy to read! We
>had to walk around the outdoor public pool to get to the mall and he said,
>"Look, Leslie...a pool!" Like I could miss it! Then he starts in with the
>"Boy, those people sure seem to be having fun!" He'd never actually ask if
>we could go swimming. And he did the same when we got to the playground.
>It takes everything in me to keep a straight face!
>
>So I guess now I'll have to see if DH is in any mood to take him to the
>pool after work!
>
>lil
lilblakdog
Vicki Robinson <vic...@panix.com> wrote in article
<6rsgen$r...@panix2.panix.com>...
> Your ss is your husband's child, and, in this case, I'd just tell myself
that
> I am not meant right now to know what's going on, and I'd just make the
most
> of the three days that I have alone with the boy and let your husband
deal
> with whatever his problem is.
I think most of DH's problem is that he doesn't like the suggestion that
his idea didn't make sense. He's very sensitive about what he feels are
criticisms about his intelligence. That's why it's so very important to me
that my stepson always feels good about himself and his academic
accomplishments...I don't want him to end up insecure and defensive like DH
and his brother!
However, it looks like things are a little more under control again. We're
going to have a new family portrait taken tomorrow and Grandma is going to
meet us at the mall and pick my stepson up. I guess she'll bring him back
late Wednesday afternoon and we'll have him for the rest of the week.
However, it turns out he's already seen the Imax whale movie...guess we'll
have to think of something else for Thursday evening. I wonder if he's
still scared of the planetarium?
Dean Barker
Dean Barker
Oh, OK. Well I'm not going to use DW for my wife, if anybody
saw that, and they happened to be a NASCAR fan, they would
think I was talking about Darrell Waltrip, and believe me, I
am NOT married to Darrell Waltrip. :-)
About the issue you posted about: I find some personality
differences with my wife and I also. I like to plan things
far in advance and she is more content with letting things
slide until near the end. I find it frustrating when it
involves my step kids and their father because I cannot
take control of the situation. So I end up just bugging
her about it until it really ticks her off, then she probably
starts calling me DH where D does not stand for dear :-) .
-Dean
lilblakdog
do whatever he wanted with his son on his two days off, even if it meant
handing them over to his mother. However, he and I had since discussed it
and the final decision was for me to take him out to Maple Ridge after our
portrait appointment today and have his grandmother bring him back
tomorrow. His decision; not mine.
Then yesterday he's got the phone in his hand, ready to call his mother,
and asks me what the plan was. I said, "Well, I'll take him over there
tomorrow and she can bring him back on Wednesday. Thursday we'll go to the
water park and Friday we'll go to the fair."
He calls his mother and says--get this--"Well, I liked your plan for Friday
but now Leslie says that she has other plans." This is not said in a
happy, friendly voice; it's said in a conspiratory "my wife just wants to
ruin your plans" kind of voice.
And then--after telling her that I had other plans--he makes an arrangement
to bring him over to his mother's as planned. Like "my" plans count for
nothing.
AAAAAAYYYYYYYGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
I immediately got up and locked myself in the bathroom because it was the
only way I could keep myself from screaming at him while he was one the
phone with his mother. How did I end up with a guy who can't even disagree
with his mother without blaming his wife for it? It's no bloody wonder I
have a tenuous relationship with my mother-in-law if this is the way he
handles every conflict!
So he wants to know why I'm so upset, just because he told "the truth." So
I come out, pick up my purse and keys and leave for awhile. I walk around
the block and come back and say, "I think it's best if we skip this photo
tomorrow...I'm not too sure that we're still going to be together by the
time the highschool reunion rolls around anyway. I think it might be best
if you drop C off at your mother's tomorrow because I'm tired of spending
all my time working on a relationship that you could care less about. I am
not going to this stupid dinner at your family's this weekend and I don't
suppose I'm ever going to show my face over there again, now that I know
you use my as your scapegoat when you don't want to face your mother."
I'll admit...I was angry. The thing with his family still holds, of
course. I'm tired of putting up with the crap. I have an adult
relationship with my family and if I think my mother is wrong I tell her
so. I don't blame it on my husband so that he's the one that looks bad.
And the stupid thing is, he still sits there saying, "I don't see how you
think I was being disrespectful to you." He tells me that I was yapping
and his mother was yapping and he hadn't heard that I had plans for Friday
(even though he was the one who originally suggested that we take my
stepson to the fair on Friday and I repeated it back to him before he'd
even phoned her) so he went with what she was saying. Then he pulls out
the, "You know, my son and I are a package deal and if you can't handle
that maybe it's best if you left."
AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
How dare he? Suggesting that I can't accept his son! I have a better
relationship with his son than *he* has and has spent more time with him in
the last six months than DH has in his entire life! Everything that my
stepson achieves when he's here is because I push...DH is perfectly happy
with the "well, I'm not there so I'm sure L's doing her best without me"
kind of do-nothing attitude!
He brings him over on Sunday. He gives me no money to entertain him, so
I'm using my own (we have always kept our money and our bills seperate,
since I owed a lot of money on student loans before our marriage). I
entertain him for three days--by myself--so that DH can take him to the
park on Thursday and then turn him over to his parents. I'm sorry, if he
only wanted him for three hours then he should have waited until his ex
brought him over this weekend. I know my credit card balance would be a
lot prettier and I could get back to work!
Well, folks, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be a stepparent for.
We're putting in our notice on this apartment at the end of this month
(there have been some recent break-ins that we're not too happy about) and
I do believe I would prefer that DH look for a place of his own and I'll do
likewise. I'm reminded of a Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he's looking in
his mail box and it says "The more he looked, the more the letter wasn't
there." It seems the harder I try, the more I'm just spinning wheels. And
I'm pretty sure I've now given up.
lil
boo...@hotmail.com
[snip]
> I'm reminded of a Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he's looking in
> his mail box and it says "The more he looked, the more the letter wasn't
> there." It seems the harder I try, the more I'm just spinning wheels. And
> I'm pretty sure I've now given up.
Hi lil:
I usually lurk here, but I wanted to tell you how lucky your DH and SS are,
and maybe in less angry moments your DH feels guilty and/or jealous because
you _do_ have more of a relationship with his son than he does -- and then
strikes out?
I don't have anything helpful... Except I just finished reading a good book
in which the heronine had blueberry-colored hair too! Called _The [something]
Rush_ by Joe Quirk. Quick? Okay, so I'm no help at all. :-)
The week's almost half over...
Jane
Jeanette Cameron
lilblakdog wrote:
[snip]
> So he wants to know why I'm so upset, just because he told "the truth." So
> I come out, pick up my purse and keys and leave for awhile. I walk around
> the block and come back and say, "I think it's best if we skip this photo
> tomorrow...I'm not too sure that we're still going to be together by the
> time the highschool reunion rolls around anyway. I think it might be best
> if you drop C off at your mother's tomorrow because I'm tired of spending
> all my time working on a relationship that you could care less about. I am
> not going to this stupid dinner at your family's this weekend and I don't
> suppose I'm ever going to show my face over there again, now that I know
> you use my as your scapegoat when you don't want to face your mother."
>
> I'll admit...I was angry. The thing with his family still holds, of
> course. I'm tired of putting up with the crap. I have an adult
> relationship with my family and if I think my mother is wrong I tell her
> so. I don't blame it on my husband so that he's the one that looks bad.
> And the stupid thing is, he still sits there saying, "I don't see how you
> think I was being disrespectful to you." He tells me that I was yapping
> and his mother was yapping and he hadn't heard that I had plans for Friday
> (even though he was the one who originally suggested that we take my
> stepson to the fair on Friday and I repeated it back to him before he'd
> even phoned her) so he went with what she was saying. Then he pulls out
> the, "You know, my son and I are a package deal and if you can't handle
> that maybe it's best if you left."
[snip]
> Well, folks, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be a stepparent for.
> We're putting in our notice on this apartment at the end of this month
> (there have been some recent break-ins that we're not too happy about) and
> I do believe I would prefer that DH look for a place of his own and I'll do
> likewise. I'm reminded of a Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he's looking in
> his mail box and it says "The more he looked, the more the letter wasn't
> there." It seems the harder I try, the more I'm just spinning wheels. And
> I'm pretty sure I've now given up.
>
> lil
Reading your post, I get that you and DH could be heading for a divorce or
separation. It also seems like DH doesn't want or can't spend a lot of time
with his son. Do you feel like you're being used in some sort of way? How
does DH view your relationship with his son? You obviously loved this man
enough to include not only him but his son as a part of your life.
I don't wish divorce on anyone. Maybe the two of you should go to a counselor
before saying anything more about leaving or separating if at least one of you
want to save this marriage.
Pugg
I don't believe that you've really given up.
I have read your previous posts, and those don't sound like someone who is
going to give up.
I think you are just very angry right now, and I don't blame you.
You sound like a great person, and I think both your husband and stepson are
lucky to have you.
I hope you can get some distance from this problem right now. Look at the
whole picture.
Do something for yourself, and try to do some serious thinking about your
relationship, hopefully after you've vented some of your stronger (valid)
feelings.
This fight you had with your husband can (and I hope this doesn't sound as
condescending as I think it is going to) act as a red flag, pointing to
something that your husband and you have to address.
Families that involve step issues always bring so much more to the table.
If in a "normal" marriage you think that communication is hard, the demands
of dealing with exes and all can force people to achieve a higher level of
skill in communication in their new relationships out of necessity.
In other words, you two need to talk.
It sounds a little bit like your husband does not like dealing with
conflict. That is probably why he is content with just leaving things lie
with his son.
You are going to have a job convincing him that discussions about hard
issues are necessary if a little painful when they involve conflict between
the two of you.
My suggestions on doing this are to first calm down, and talk to him when
you can be positive and upbeat. Every thing you say to him that you think
could stir up conflict, sandwich between I messages and calls for
understanding and even compliments, for example:
What I want most in the world is for us to work as a team, but I don't
think we are working that way right now, and I'd like to get your input on
how we could somehow plan our lives without me feeling that my suggestions
and opinions don't matter. I really do want this to work out, and I know
that you do care about me.
Avoid getting him on the defensive. That is where all the mean statements
about if you can't take it you can leave come from. (bet he didn't mean
it)
Perhaps this is not what you need to hear right now, and if so, I apolagize.
Perhaps this isn't even pertinent to your life - only you would know. I am
just somehow trying to reach out to you at this moment. I wish you the
best.
Maria
lilblakdog wrote in message <01bdd050$0a8cc280$1b0067d1@watsons>...
>Well, Vicki, I was totally prepared to accept what you said and allow DH to
>do whatever he wanted with his son on his two days off, even if it meant
>handing them over to his mother. However, he and I had since discussed it
>and the final decision was for me to take him out to Maple Ridge after our
>portrait appointment today and have his grandmother bring him back
>tomorrow. His decision; not mine.
>
>Then yesterday he's got the phone in his hand, ready to call his mother,
>and asks me what the plan was. I said, "Well, I'll take him over there
>tomorrow and she can bring him back on Wednesday. Thursday we'll go to the
>water park and Friday we'll go to the fair."
>
>He calls his mother and says--get this--"Well, I liked your plan for Friday
>but now Leslie says that she has other plans." This is not said in a
>happy, friendly voice; it's said in a conspiratory "my wife just wants to
>ruin your plans" kind of voice.
>
>And then--after telling her that I had other plans--he makes an arrangement
>to bring him over to his mother's as planned. Like "my" plans count for
>nothing.
>
>AAAAAAYYYYYYYGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
>
>I immediately got up and locked myself in the bathroom because it was the
>only way I could keep myself from screaming at him while he was one the
>phone with his mother. How did I end up with a guy who can't even disagree
>with his mother without blaming his wife for it? It's no bloody wonder I
>have a tenuous relationship with my mother-in-law if this is the way he
>handles every conflict!
>
>So he wants to know why I'm so upset, just because he told "the truth." So
>I come out, pick up my purse and keys and leave for awhile. I walk around
>the block and come back and say, "I think it's best if we skip this photo
>tomorrow...I'm not too sure that we're still going to be together by the
>time the highschool reunion rolls around anyway. I think it might be best
>if you drop C off at your mother's tomorrow because I'm tired of spending
>all my time working on a relationship that you could care less about. I am
>not going to this stupid dinner at your family's this weekend and I don't
>suppose I'm ever going to show my face over there again, now that I know
>you use my as your scapegoat when you don't want to face your mother."
>
>I'll admit...I was angry. The thing with his family still holds, of
>course. I'm tired of putting up with the crap. I have an adult
>relationship with my family and if I think my mother is wrong I tell her
>so. I don't blame it on my husband so that he's the one that looks bad.
>And the stupid thing is, he still sits there saying, "I don't see how you
>think I was being disrespectful to you." He tells me that I was yapping
>and his mother was yapping and he hadn't heard that I had plans for Friday
>(even though he was the one who originally suggested that we take my
>stepson to the fair on Friday and I repeated it back to him before he'd
>even phoned her) so he went with what she was saying. Then he pulls out
>the, "You know, my son and I are a package deal and if you can't handle
>that maybe it's best if you left."
>
>AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
>
>How dare he? Suggesting that I can't accept his son! I have a better
>relationship with his son than *he* has and has spent more time with him in
>the last six months than DH has in his entire life! Everything that my
>stepson achieves when he's here is because I push...DH is perfectly happy
>with the "well, I'm not there so I'm sure L's doing her best without me"
>kind of do-nothing attitude!
>
>He brings him over on Sunday. He gives me no money to entertain him, so
>I'm using my own (we have always kept our money and our bills seperate,
>since I owed a lot of money on student loans before our marriage). I
>entertain him for three days--by myself--so that DH can take him to the
>park on Thursday and then turn him over to his parents. I'm sorry, if he
>only wanted him for three hours then he should have waited until his ex
>brought him over this weekend. I know my credit card balance would be a
>lot prettier and I could get back to work!
>
Northrnwmn
>Yesterday he's got the phone in his hand, ready to call his mother,
>and asks me what the plan was. I said, "Well, I'll take him over there
>tomorrow and she can bring him back on Wednesday. Thursday we'll go to the
>water park and Friday we'll go to the fair."
>He calls his mother and says--get this--"Well, I liked your plan for Friday
>but now Leslie says that she has other plans." This is not said in a
>happy, friendly voice; it's said in a conspiratory "my wife just wants to
>ruin your plans" kind of voice.
>
Lil:
Me again....I just got finished writing you another response to a different
post...hope you don't mind. I have a slightly different perspective on this
matter. Take it for what it's worth:
I think your husband is feeling perhaps badly that you have a closer
relationship with his son. Also, I think he could be feeling pushed by you into
making decisions/plans that you suggest. I could be way off base but after
reading quite a few of your posts you come across as very involved with your
SS's life and have definate views about what and how things should be done with
him. Unfortunately that may not be sitting well with your husband right now.
I have become a real proponent of "backing off" since I went through a lot of
stuff with my 19 year-old SD. I'll try not to preach again. However, I think
that we sometimes are more objective that our husbands. When we start becoming
more and more involved in decision-making about "their* children, it can lead
to anger (passive-aggressive like with your hubby and the phone call to his
mother) and resentment. At the same tiome, though, they may be pulling the old
"So what are we doing again..." routine. I would start saying, well, what do
YOU want to do? Don't get sucked in to making the decisions then having him
resent you for it.
I think this could have a lot more to do with that kind of a situation instead
of your husband being afraid to stand up to his mother.
Sandy
Wakanyeja Makah
>
>lilblakdog wrote:
Sorry to answer this under someone else's post. Your original post didn't
come through on this ##**& server.
>[snip]
>
Lil, I am sorry that this has happened. I agree with you. Husbands and
wives shouldn't use each other as excuses. Especially when the excuse is
being given to a family member. Your husband needs to learn to deal with
his mother.
<snip>
After everything that you have done for his son. I have been around this
newsgroup for a while and I know that you couldn't love that little boy
more (or worry about him more) if he were your own flesh and blood.
It sounds like he needs to open his eyes.
<snip>
Oh Lil. This is so sad. Maybe you could both sit down together and
discuss it...or maybe therapy...
I know it seems like the easiest solution (right now)...but I hope you both
decide to hang in there...if for no other reason...your stepson.
>> lil
W. Makah
(...knowing how tough it gets sometimes to be a stepmom...)
lilblakdog
Jeanette Cameron <camer...@osu.edu> wrote in article
<35E32582...@osu.edu>...
> It also seems like DH doesn't want or can't spend a lot of time
> with his son. Do you feel like you're being used in some sort of way?
You know, I was all ready to answer this with, "No way, I love my stepson."
But that's not really the point, is it? I guess in a way I am feeling
used. I'd like to be given a little more credit for the things that I do
around here. I was told two things from the very beginning:
1 - He was not interested in being a parent. He did not have enough time
to spend with his son that he was willing to sacrifice some of the fun for
discipline. I would have to take care of the parenting role.
2 - I had no say in when he got to see his son.
So I guess I am being used sort of. I have a crafts and children's/baby
clothes business out of my house, so I'm here to be with him during the
day. However, I get absolutely nothing during that time so I sacrifice my
income. I adore my stepson and I love spending time with him, but I think
I deserve a certain amount of respect for the role that I play.
My husband doesn't see it so much because, when he's home, my stepson stays
in his room for the most part. However, when my stepson and I are alone he
wants to "be" with me. He likes to stay downstairs and talk and ask
questions and it's pretty much a full time job taking care of him. I know
what I think my limitations are regarding "kid skills" so I plan lots of
things to do so that we're not sitting in front of the television all day.
That would be too easy and he wouldn't learn anything. We have to do that
when it rains because I *hate* getting wet, so I like to be really active
on the nice or semi-nice days. So I put everything I have into each day
with him (and even the days leading up to those days) and sometimes the
rewards that comes from my relationship with him doesn't overcome the
tension between my husband and I. After all, if things don't work I lose
my stepson anyway, so the relationship with my husband is pretty crucial to
that.
> How does DH view your relationship with his son? You obviously loved
this > man enough to include not only him but his son as a part of your
life.
LOL! I wish I could keep the son and lose the man! :-)
Actually, I'm sure DH is a little jealous of my relationship with his son.
And to be totally honest, I'm not sure why his son and I are so close. I'm
not anything special as far as being a mother goes. I punish him and make
him eat all of his dinner and get frustrated when his ice cream melts all
down his arm. I remind him no less than a dozen times during each meal to
eat with his mouth closed (sorry, Sian...I'm trying to stop doing that
now!) and I torture him about the way he drags his feet when he walks
(actually that's DH's pet peeve, but since he's started commenting on it I
feel I have to reinforce it)! My idea of fun is to teach him grammer.
I've never been good at the little chatter that my mom can carry on with
kids for hours. I'm more academic...I was an honour student who never did
homework or studied in my entire life. So one day I decided to teach him
what a noun was. When we had those down, I started teaching him about
verbs. Now we're working on adjectives. He knows them all backwards and
forwards and he thinks they're fun, but it's not exactly Snakes and
Ladders!
What kid would want me for a mom?
However, if he's jealous of my relationship with his son then he should be
going out of his way to try to spend more time with him. It's not like
they have a bad relationship...quite the contrary. However, my stepson
seems to prefer to spend time with me.
Here's an example. DH and I were going to take him to the aquarium and DH
(teasingly) decided that he wouldn't go. My stepson was very upset because
I don't drive and he couldn't figure out how we'd get there. So then DH
said that he was only joking and that he'd go. When we were walking out
the door, I remember the coupon that was sitting on my keyboard. So I went
back in to get it and DH and his son headed for the car. DH convinced him
that *I'd* changed my mind and wasn't going. My stepson threw a fit. He
refused to get in the car without me. So I came down and we got in the car
and drove to the aquarium. As we were walking through Stanley Park, my
stepson and I stopped to pick huckleberries (one of our favorite summer
pastimes) and DH went to sit under a tree. He told my stepson that, since
we took so long, he'd decided he didn't want to go in with us. So my
stepson said, "Okay!" and headed for the aquarium...effectively making it
look like the ride was all he was really worried about!
You know, though, DH really contributes to the whole thing. Like when we
were in the gift shop that day, my stepson saw a stuffed beluga whale that
he really wanted. We were still hanging on to summer money from his
grandmother that would have covered the beluga whale perfectly and I
suggested that to DH. So he told me to go over and tell my stepson that he
could have it, making it look like I was the one giving it to him (even
though I told him that it was with his summer money). And stuff like that
happens all the time. We plan something and DH tells me to tell my stepson
and I end up looking like Santa Claus to him every day!
> I don't wish divorce on anyone. Maybe the two of you should go to a
counselor
> before saying anything more about leaving or separating if at least one
of you
> want to save this marriage.
Actually, I'm feeling better this evening. My stepson is still here with
me and we had our portrait done after all. I don't know what DH and I will
do...we fight all the time now. Until now, the only time we *didn't* fight
was when my stepson was here. But lately one of us is on the computer and
the other one is in front of the television. I do my crafts late at night
while he goes to bed (he hates it when I run the sewing machine when he's
up and around). I think we're mostly together these days because neither
of us feels like leaving. That and I don't want to lose my stepson.
We've both had such bad experiences with counselling, not to mention that
I'm not sure how we'd pay for it. Guess we'll have to wait and see.
lil
lilblakdog
boo...@hotmail.com wrote in article <6rvas2$5ei$1...@nnrp1.dejanews.com>...
> I don't have anything helpful... Except I just finished reading a good
book
> in which the heronine had blueberry-colored hair too! Called _The
[something]
> Rush_ by Joe Quirk. Quick? Okay, so I'm no help at all. :-)
>
> The week's almost half over...
<giggle>
You know that remark about the blueberry hair is getting more attention
than anything else I've written this week! :-Ş
I like the remark about the week being nearly half over though....
lil
lilblakdog
Northrnwmn <north...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199808252359...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...
> Also, I think he could be feeling pushed by you into
> making decisions/plans that you suggest. I could be way off base but
after
> reading quite a few of your posts you come across as very involved with
your
> SS's life and have definate views about what and how things should be
done with
> him. Unfortunately that may not be sitting well with your husband right
now.
I think I come across that way a lot on here because I talk about things
that are going on. If DH proposes something and acts on it, I have no
reason to post about it. Likewise, if I propose something to DH and he
vetos it, I might rant a bit if it was something I felt strongly about, but
basically I wouldn't be discussing it either.
As I said in an earlier response, DH told me quite clearly that he wanted
me to handle these things, so I've been doing the best I can.
However, I'm sitting in between two parents who do nothing for their child.
Last summer at this time, he wasn't toilet trained. DH would have let it
slide for another year if I hadn't refused to allow him to buy diapers
without at least trying to toilet train him. He was seven at the time and
it only took us three days to do it. If I didn't step in, we'd be back to
buying diapers this summer too, probably. My stepson never spoke; he'd
just point and something he wanted and whimper behind his hand. And it
would always be given to him. At the beginning of this summer, he couldn't
add 1 + 1. Didn't have a clue what it was. So I taught him math...which
was actually DH's idea, because math is my specialty. DH would be happy
allowing him to whine and screech...I don't see the point. Well, that's
not exactly true. DH wouldn't be happy about it at all, but he wouldn't do
anything about it. I've spent a lot of time waiting for him to handle
things that aren't being handled. The result is that my stepson is
generally very withdrawn and solitary. And he has a severe self-esteem
problem that I try to help with.
I came from a family that was upper-lower class. I used to refer to us as
lower-middle class, but I think that gives us too much credit. I was
horribly picked on at school by everyone...including the principal. I'm
not kidding...one day he pulled a chair out from under me when after
telling me to sit down. Another time he told me to close my eyes and he'd
give me a surprise...he drew a line down my nose with a magic marker. I'm
not kidding...I was a really pathetic kid! I was a smart kid with bad
clothes and hair...that's a scary combination because my general defense
was to shoot my mouth off. My stepson is lucky, though...he has fairly
decent clothes and I get him trendy haircuts. He just needs the education.
He's only just starting third grade, but already the kids call him stupid
and don't want to play with him. I want to make sure that he has every
advantage available to him. If DH has a problem with that, then I'm
definitely the wrong woman for him. I cannot and will not sit back while
my stepson wears a diaper to school and can't add on his fingers. And
thinks that he's stupid or incapable of remembering things. Because I
prove him wrong every single time and I'm going to continue to do so!
I don't step in about the actual way he's raised unless I feel really
strongly about it. That's not to say I don't get annoyed with some of the
things his mom does, but short of ranting for a minute I don't step in or
try to do anything about it. Religion is my husband's business.
Discipline is my husband's business. Whether or not he should be able to
swear or watch gory movies is my husband's business. However, when the
choice is to allow my stepson to lie on the couch and watch Barney or to
teach him about engandered animals or dinosaurs, I choose the latter.
> At the same tiome, though, they may be pulling the old
> "So what are we doing again..." routine. I would start saying, well, what
do
> YOU want to do? Don't get sucked in to making the decisions then having
him
> resent you for it.
Oh, he does this *entirely* for the resentment factor. Every time we move
into a new apartment, we go look at it and he says, "I don't know...what do
you think? It's up to you." If I like it, I take it and he bitches about
it for the next six months until he insists that we move again. And every
time I insist that *he* goes through the ads and *he* makes the calls and
*he* makes the decision and every time it's one week before we're supposed
to move and we haven't looked at a single apartment. And we end up renting
the first thing we see.
It doesn't just have to do with his son...it has to do with everything. He
does this every day in everything we do. And if I try to turn it around at
him, I end up having to sit around watching wrestling all day!
> I think this could have a lot more to do with that kind of a situation
instead
> of your husband being afraid to stand up to his mother.
I can't speak for this situation, but I can assure you that he's afraid to
stand up to his mother! :-)
My MIL is a tyrant. She once stopped speaking to my FIL for three months
because he wrote a $57 cheque to close out his mother's storage locker (she
didn't like his mother). She actually moved into the basement and refused
to speak to him. After that, they started speaking again but my FIL had to
move into a different bedroom, where he still is. She is one of ten
children, but doesn't like her brothers and sisters so we're not allowed to
speak to them. That's not true...we're allowed to speak to one of the
sisters. However, it's not the one that DH is closest to.
Okay...little bit of family history. When DH was born, his mother couldn't
handle his 2 y.o. brother and him too, so his aunt came out from Montreal
to take care of him. As a result, he's extremely close to this aunt but
we're not supposed to talk to her or my MIL won't talk to us. DH wanted
her at our wedding but we were told that if we did, my MIL wouldn't go. It
was a tough decision, let me tell you! As I said, she didn't like my FIL's
mother, so DH wasn't even allowed to ask where she lived for fear of being
disowned. My FIL actually had to work through his lunch hour and leave
work an hour early so that he could visit his mother without cutting into
my MIL's "time". If she thought that she was being cheated out of a single
minute, she would have headed back to the basement!
Her brother was dying of cancer in the hospital and the one sister that she
speaks to tried to talk her into going back with her to see him. Her
response was, "Why should I? He didn't even send me a card when I was in
the hospital!"
Yup...DH is terrified of standing up to his mother and for good reason.
But he still doesn't need to blame me for his decisions.
lil
Jeanette Cameron
lilblakdog wrote:
[snip]
> lil
Am I correct that at age 7, SS got toilet trained? My youngest niece recently
turned 3 years old and still isn't toilet trained. I think this is sick. Good
for you that you put this to an end.
When SD turned 4 years old, my husband and I discovered she couldn't count, say
the alphabets, and didn't know shapes and colors. We were shocked and confused
because in previous years for Xmas, we brought her educational toys which we
let her take home to her mother's. The mother had obviously not used these
toys with her.
When she spent the summer with us, we put her in school. The director at the
school did an initial skills test on her and did another one at the end of her
summer visit. The 1st one said that she was below other kids in her age group
and the last one said that she had improved but needed continued help. During
that summer when SD came home from school, I tutored her for about 30 mins.
All this was brought up at the change of custody hearing. As a result, my SD's
mother then became involved in my SD's education. She obviously wasn't
concerned about SD's education prior to the hearing but instead was more
concerned about denying my husband his court ordered visitations and filing
false allegations.
Sian Lee Reid
<lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
> So I guess I am being used sort of. I have a crafts and children's/baby
> clothes business out of my house, so I'm here to be with him during the
> day. However, I get absolutely nothing during that time so I sacrifice my
> income. I adore my stepson and I love spending time with him, but I think
> I deserve a certain amount of respect for the role that I play.
You know, you could probably get a little bit of 'work' done on those days
your stepson is there. I don't know where you keep your sewing stuff, but
if it's in (or can be moved temporarily) to a 'common' area, then there
are things your stepson can do while you work. For instance, he could
work in his activity book. Or, if that doesn't quite work, most kids love
doing crafts; you could get out a book from the library and set him up
with something to do while you work. I know how frustrating this can be.
I don't like being left with my stepkids in the mornings because that's
when _I_ work from home (dissertation research) and I send my own daughter
to preschool for that reason. So I understand your frustration at losing
time and income, especially as one of your posts mentions that you and
your DH keep your finances separate.
>
> What kid would want me for a mom?
The kind who likes the attention you give him. From what you've written
about his biomom, she's sometimes to self-absorbed to structure a lot of
time with him, and so he defaults to the TV. And you've already said that
your DH doesn't have a whole lot of time with him because of his work
schedule. You're selling yourself short again...
>
> We've both had such bad experiences with counselling, not to mention that
> I'm not sure how we'd pay for it. Guess we'll have to wait and see.
>
You mention that your DH is a church-goer. Some parishes have really
fantastic pastoral counselling programs that are much less expensive than
going to a secular professional. You might want to check around your
area.
My thoughts are with you...
Sian
Northrnwmn
>As I said in an earlier response, DH told me quite clearly that he wanted
>me to handle these things, so I've been doing the best I can.
and...
>Oh, he does this *entirely* for the resentment factor. Every time we move
>into a new apartment, we go look at it and he says, "I don't know...what do
>you think? It's up to you." If I like it, I take it and he bitches about
>it for the next six months until he
>insists that we move again. And every
>time I insist that *he* goes through the ads and *he* makes the calls and
>*he* makes the decision and every time it's one week before we're supposed
>to move and we haven't looked at a single apartment. And we end up renting
>the first thing we see.
Oh Lil, that's too bad. Your husband is putting you in a really unfair
situation. I will admit (shame-faced) that I used to ask my husband what he
thought we should do about such-and-such. Unconsciously I was trying to have
him make the tough decisions so that if things didn't go well, I wouldn't feel
like I was to blame. I didn't realize I was doing this until he pointed it out
to me. When I would ask what we should do, he started saying "Well, maybe we
should do....but don't blame me if it doesn't work. This is just my opinion".
That stopped me short. We have an unwritten rule now that if one person makes a
decision which the other person had a chance to get involved in and didn't, the
other person CAN'T gripe about it.
The next time your DH refuses to help make a decision, spell it out directly to
him. "Either help me decide now or forever hold your peace." He can't have it
both ways!
Hang in there Lil. It really does sound like you love your DH in most of your
posts. He needs the BIG TALK. I'm sure you've tried that already. Mine almost
needed to be hit by a 2x4 before he finally realized what I was saying. But he
did. I hope you guys can work things out.
Sandy
PS...I am not trying to be critical in my posts to you at all. I have a lot of
respect for the amount of time and energy that you put into your SS. That, in
itself, has its rewards but I agree, recognition WOULD be nice. Your SS,
however, knows and will remember everything you've done for him. When he goes
through the adolescent attitude-thing (as most of them do), in the back of his
mind, he'll remember these days and everything you're doing to lay the
groundwork. Keep us posted, will you?
janelaw
>
>
>................. After all, if things don't work I lose
> my stepson anyway, so the relationship with my husband is pretty crucial to
> that.
>
>
any issues with me personally, she kept them to herself. The ex
and I were having a lot of trouble with visitation (because he
was being a total jerk), which she just smoothed over. For
example, whereas he would call me and say, "Look, something came
up, I have to take Lee tomorrow instead of today," she would
call and say, "Gee, Jane, I'm really sorry, but something came
up, do you think there is any way we could switch tomorrow for
today?" Her acknowledgment that she might be inconveniencing me
made all the difference in the world.
Besides that, she really loved my kid. She spent a lot more
time with her than the ex did, too.
Anyway, she and my ex split up four or five years ago, but she
maintains a relationship with my daughter. Since the ex and I
are live on opposite coasts now, she gets one to two days
visitation three times a year. This comes out of "his" time.
It's not a lot, but along with cards, letters, and telephone
calls it is sufficient for them to stay close.
It fascinates me that this arrangement is fine with everyone.
It may be the only aspect of visitation that causes no tension
between the ex and me. He makes all east coast arrangements. I
remind my daughter to call her periodically. We all seem to get
along fine with her husband and SKs. If there is any tension
with the current SO, it never comes through to my daughter or to
me. The only hint of it I have ever seen is that the current
and former SOs do seem to try to out shop each other while my
daughter is back east. Hell, I can live with that.
I'm rambling here. My point is that you don't have to lose the
kid.
Vicki Robinson
>
>I'm rambling here. My point is that you don't have to lose the
>kid.
Jane, I'm glad to hear that this works. One of my fears is that my ex's SO
will get fed up and leave him, and that would devastate my kids. They don't
live together and each has a life, so I'm hoping that she won't end up faced
with the "leave or die inside" alternative which I had.
If they split, it's nice to know that it *could* work. Actually, since we
all live in the same compact city, and my older daughter will be driving in
two years, I guess it would be easy to maintain contact.
Hmm. One less thing to worry about.
lilblakdog
> Am I correct that at age 7, SS got toilet trained?
You are correct, Jeanette.
I can't say exactly how things went with my stepson, but his half-sister is
three and we were there once to witness potty training in action. My
stepson's mom picks us up from the ferry, so that we don't have to pay to
drive over. We were riding back to her house and she asked her daughter if
she wanted to use her potty when she got home. She said no. Her mom said,
"Pleeeeeeease?" And she said no. Her mom then changed her diaper several
more times during the day with no further mention of the potty. That was
several months ago and she's still not potty trained.
So we assume things were pretty much this way with my stepson. In fact,
she even said that she was sending her daughter to stay with us since we'd
done such a good job with my stepson!
The really unfortunate part about this was that I didn't put a stop to it
sooner. And as a result, she put my stepson through numerous, tremendously
painful tests to find out why he "couldn't" be toilet trained. It was
positively ridiculous and *very* upsetting!
lil
Merrie
He also could have been offended that you didn't cherish the
opportunity to spend three days with the kid. (I'm not joking.) Even
though Dad's not physically home, there are many Dads that value the
time that the kid spends in their home and with their family, and they
enjoy spending a little evening time with them. I've known my DH (the D
is a variable, but the H is a constant for husband) to feel this way.
Glad it's all working out to be a nice visit. Gotta ask who all was in
the family picture?
Merrie
> So I guess now I'll have to see if DH is in any mood to take him to the
> pool after work!
>
> lil
lilblakdog
Northrnwmn <north...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199808261448...@ladder03.news.aol.com>...
> PS...I am not trying to be critical in my posts to you at all. I have a
lot of
> respect for the amount of time and energy that you put into your SS.
That, in
> itself, has its rewards but I agree, recognition WOULD be nice. Your SS,
> however, knows and will remember everything you've done for him. When he
goes
> through the adolescent attitude-thing (as most of them do), in the back
of his
> mind, he'll remember these days and everything you're doing to lay the
> groundwork. Keep us posted, will you?
Will do. And please don't anybody think that I'm overly sensetive about
your responses. We're all here because we're trying to help each other
from our own experiences. If somebody writes something that I don't think
applies to my situation, I file it away in my head to remember for later.
But I appreciate all the responses I get and *only* get angry or annoyed
with the real bait-laying trolls...you know, the ones who are only saying
things to see how many people will scream!
At any rate, Sandy, I never found anything unduly critical in your
posts...they've all given me something to think about!
lil
lilblakdog
Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote in article <35E44E...@pon.net>...
> He also could have been offended that you didn't cherish the
> opportunity to spend three days with the kid.
It's possible, but I don't think so. I *was* a little nervous about the
three days, because when I agreed for him to come this week I forgot that
my husband wouldn't be home at 11:00 each morning. In his former position,
he did shipping and receiving and was scheduled from 6:30 to 10:30. There
was usually enough to do to keep him working for a full 8 hour day, though,
but on visitation days he stuck to his schedule. Now he's the assistant
manager in hardware (yeah!) and works from 9:30 to 5:30. Which means that
I have to fill in the time I wake up to dinner time. It was a little bit
frightening.
And a couple of years ago I really wouldn't have "cherished" three full
days with him. But we've both grown a lot and DH knows that I have more
fun on these days than my stepson does! Imagine...I have an excuse to
wander over to the Dairy Queen for a milkshake...and eat french fries with
dinner...and play in the wave pool or the water park. I get to visit all
the museums that I always tell myself I don't need and can't afford. I got
to see the killer whale show at the aquarium for the first time since I was
about six! It costs $11.95 for an adult to get in there...I'd never pay
that on my own! I can generally talk street performers into painting my
face, too, or making me a balloon animal bracelet. Having a kid with you
means that you can ride the bumper cars and carousel without other people
looking at you funny. It means that I can get into Crash Crawlies, because
they don't let you in without a kid.
I have to tell you guys about Crash Crawlies...you know the playrooms that
they have at McDonald's? With the tubles and slides and balls? Well,
Crash Crawlies is a whole warehouse full of those and adults are allowed to
play too...so long as the have a child with them. It's so cool!
And my stepson makes them all the more enjoyable because he's such a happy
kid when he's with us, doing these things. He squeels and runs
around...he's very vocal and animated. It's just a hoot! He makes me feel
eight years old again!
No, for days before my stepson comes I'm making plans for every day. I
think DH has figured out by now that they're all things that I want to be
doing and can't! I don't think he'd ever think that I didn't enjoy these
days!
> Gotta ask who all was in
> the family picture?
Me, DH and my stepson. We were going to do one this year with DH's
brothers and their families, but we decided to wait till next year.
I wanted to bring the "family dog", too (a stuffed dalmation puppy that I
fell in love with and bought DH for Valentine's Day last year), but nobody
would let me so we left him home watching the Treehouse Network (for
children under six!).
I'm not completely insane, no...with the recent break-ins they suggest that
you leave a light and the tv or stereo on. So we make jokes that we're
leaving it on for the dog!
I'd forget all about him if somebody would let me have a *real* dog!!!
lil
Merrie
After reading your "annoyed" post I reposted something but it came
back. I loved your picture and think it's charming.
I laughed at the audacity of DH's response of "packaged deal" and I
know it's not a laughing matter but the idea that his behavior is
uncontrollable and excusable because "he's a packaged deal.."
I also hate that problem of when someone tells you to make the decision
and then criticizes it and I don't have any good ideas for that one.
Three more days? Soak up the kid and may the rest fall off your back
like water on a duck.
Merrie
lilblakdog
Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote in article <35E464...@pon.net>...
> I laughed at the audacity of DH's response of "packaged deal" and I
> know it's not a laughing matter but the idea that his behavior is
> uncontrollable and excusable because "he's a packaged deal.."
You know, Merrie, I would have laughed too if I wasn't so stunned...the
whole idea *is* laughable. Particularly since he followed it with, "If I
can't trust you to take care of him when I have to work..."! What on earth
does he think I've been doing?!?
lil
Pattie Schey
>
> Dean Barker <de...@cray.com> wrote in article <35E1BB...@cray.com>...
> > Can somebody *please* tell me what DH stands for?
> > Designated Hitter?
> > Double Header?
>
> Dear husband. Unless you're annoyed with him...I was probably more in the
> mood for damned husband...or dead husband...or daft husband...etc.
>
or d---head..or duh husband!! Alittle guilt goes along way with the
DH's to the point their logic goes out the window
Pattie
lilblakdog
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
<slreid-2608...@192.0.2.1>...
> You know, you could probably get a little bit of 'work' done on those
days
> your stepson is there. I don't know where you keep your sewing stuff,
but
> if it's in (or can be moved temporarily) to a 'common' area, then there
> are things your stepson can do while you work. For instance, he could
> work in his activity book. Or, if that doesn't quite work, most kids
love
> doing crafts; you could get out a book from the library and set him up
> with something to do while you work. I know how frustrating this can be.
> I don't like being left with my stepkids in the mornings because that's
> when _I_ work from home (dissertation research) and I send my own
daughter
> to preschool for that reason. So I understand your frustration at losing
> time and income, especially as one of your posts mentions that you and
> your DH keep your finances separate.
Actually, I've tried this and I still do when my stall at the crafters'
market is really empty. However--and I don't mean this to sound nasty!--I
think kids find crafts more fascinating than dissertation research!
*Nothing* I give my stepson to do is more fascinating than what I'm
doing...even if it's the same thing! He still hangs over my shoulder,
wanting to know exactly what I'm doing and how it's going to look when it's
finished and aren't I done yet??? I was exaggerating a bit when I said
that I don't get *anything* done, but running the sewing machine is pretty
much out of the question because I end up pulling out more than I put in
and those things are my major money maker. I can still get lots of crafts
done after he's gone to bed, since he doesn't seem to mind my crawling out
of bed at 11:00 each morning!
However, I do believe I may have hit upon something today that's more
fascinating than foam ornaments or stacking snowman boxes. I picked up one
of his blue whale books and typed out five pages of a "fill-in-the-blank"
report. I made him a fancy title page with a by-line that he could draw
blue whales all over and handed it all to him, showing him where to find
the passages that I got my information from. He was hooked! I expected
that he would work on it over the next couple of days, but he was half-way
through the first page before I was out of the shower!
So, provided I can have these ready for him when he visits, I may just have
bought myself a couple of hours of sewing machine time...that's a good $30
income at least!
> The kind who likes the attention you give him. From what you've written
> about his biomom, she's sometimes to self-absorbed to structure a lot of
> time with him, and so he defaults to the TV. And you've already said
that
> your DH doesn't have a whole lot of time with him because of his work
> schedule. You're selling yourself short again...
True...I'm probably always going to do that! I just can't figure out why
he'd prefer a "not-till-you've-finished-your-meat" parent like me to a
"let's-go-to-the-beach" parent like Dad!
> You mention that your DH is a church-goer. Some parishes have really
> fantastic pastoral counselling programs that are much less expensive than
> going to a secular professional. You might want to check around your
> area.
Actually, he's not a church-goer anymore...unfortunately. When he married
me, he had to move out of his natural habitat of Maple Ridge...about an
hour away from here. And the church that I grew up with burned down
several years ago. So we're basically churchless!
I will see what I can find, though. I still have a friend or two in high
places; I might be able to come up with something. Thanks for the
advice...I wasn't even thinking in that direction!
lil
Vicki Robinson
>True...I'm probably always going to do that! I just can't figure out why
>he'd prefer a "not-till-you've-finished-your-meat" parent like me to a
>"let's-go-to-the-beach" parent like Dad!
Because kids know who cares about them.
--
Visit our wedding at http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/wedding.html and
sign our guest book! The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can
be found at http://www.urbanlegends.com. Take a look, if you
have a week to spare.
lilblakdog
Vicki Robinson <vjr...@canoe.xcski.com> wrote in article
<6s1vif$bb$1...@canoe.xcski.com>...
> In a previous article, "lilblakdog" <lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> said:
>
> >True...I'm probably always going to do that! I just can't figure out
why
> >he'd prefer a "not-till-you've-finished-your-meat" parent like me to a
> >"let's-go-to-the-beach" parent like Dad!
>
> Because kids know who cares about them.
Now see, this concerns me quite a bit. My husband has dozens of faults and
I could write a 500 word essay on each other them (considered it as a nice
Christmas or birthday gift, once or twice, too!), but his son means more
than anything in the world to him.
I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but DH and I used to date when I was
in highschool. He took me to my graduation dinner and dance and we dated
for a couple of months before he went back to his old girlfriend--my
stepson's mom. He was a *complete* jerk back then. He cheated on every
girl he went out with. At one point, he was seeing me, my stepson's mom
and another girl...and we all knew each other and never suspected a thing!
He felt that children should be born with their own set of luggage. He and
I found ourselves at the same dance one night, when his ex was five months
pregnant, and he told me that she was fat and ugly and he hated her (a
lousy thing to say, even if she wasn't a day at the beach to live with). I
didn't see him after that night until his son was three years old.
He was a completely different person. Like he finally had a point to his
life. He'd gone back to school (and he's still trying to get that business
degree--one or two nightschool classes a semester!) and gotten his life in
order. He's not necessarily the greatest person to me all the time, but
then I'm not necessarily the greatest person to him sometimes either. He's
certainly never looked at another woman in the five years we've been back
together. He'd do anything for his son. When his ex moved to Lethbridge,
Alberta (a good 15 or 16 hours away by car), he drove there and back every
weekend so that he could see his son. He actually wore the car out one
weekend, halfway there. However, the more time that goes by, the more he
seems to want to put emotional distance between them. And I have no idea
why. Even when he's home, he's content to sit downstairs and watch
television while his son sits upstairs playing on his computer. I don't
get it! When my stepson isn't here, DH budgets his money and obsesses over
our work schedules so that we can have him back again as soon as possible.
He always talks about the stuff he wants to do for him, like put together a
college fund and stuff like that...stuff that he never had.
But what is it that my stepson is going to remember about visits to Dad's?
Spending time with me and his grandparents and Dad not having any time for
him. All parents have to work and kids have to realize that, but giving
away his two days off just doesn't make any sense. My stepson's not going
to grow up thinking, "Yeah, I had an amazing relationship with my dad...he
left me a great college fund!" I know as well as anybody that money and
things are nothing...it's time and energy and affection and support that
make the difference. And for some reason he's not sharing those.
It's sad, isn't it?
lil
lilblakdog
Wakanyeja Makah <wma...@hotmail.com> wrote in article
<35e43d78...@news.tds.net>...
> After everything that you have done for his son. I have been around this
> newsgroup for a while and I know that you couldn't love that little boy
> more (or worry about him more) if he were your own flesh and blood.
You know what's really funny? The number of people who--when hearing about
my marriage problems--say, "Well, at least you two don't have any children
yet." What do they think my stepson is...a watermelon? I've been there
since he was three. I've been encouraged to be as much a mother to him as
his own mother would (should?) be. I've invested years in this and
developed feelings and abilities that I never dreamed I had.
So that when people suggest that I should take a step back because he's not
my kid, it feels like they're speaking a foreign language! :-)
lil
Sian Lee Reid
<lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
>
> But what is it that my stepson is going to remember about visits to Dad's?
> Spending time with me and his grandparents and Dad not having any time for
> him. All parents have to work and kids have to realize that, but giving
> away his two days off just doesn't make any sense. My stepson's not going
> to grow up thinking, "Yeah, I had an amazing relationship with my dad...he
> left me a great college fund!" I know as well as anybody that money and
> things are nothing...it's time and energy and affection and support that
> make the difference. And for some reason he's not sharing those.
>
Are you sure he knows how, lil? This may seem like a really obvious sort
of question, but what kind of 'quality' time did his father spend with
him? You've mentioned in other posts that your mother in law is a
complete tyrant... is your DH lax with the discipline because, even
subconsciously, he doesn't want to be like HIS mom?
You seem to have quite a cordial and reasonable relationship with your
stepson's biomom, but he might have more baggage. I know that our biomom
often gives us grief about doing things with my stepkids, accusing us of
trying to make our house look more fun than hers to make the kids want to
live with us (which couldn't be further from the truth... if we'd wanted
to put up a stink, we would have taken her up on her invitation to go to
court initially!)
My gut says that the former is more likely than the latter. I think that
your DH is just at a loss as to how to spend time, as himself, with his
son. He doesn't want to just duplicate the things you do, but he's not
sure what else to do either. I don't know what to suggest to you... maybe
some of the other posters here have suggestions...
Sian
lilblakdog
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
> Are you sure he knows how, lil?
No, I don't believe he does. I think that's where his problem in dealing
with everyone--including me--come from. His mother really is the coldest
woman I've ever met and his father doesn't exactly stand up to her. And I
think that--probably--the older his son gets, the harder it is for him to
show him affection.
> This may seem like a really obvious sort
> of question, but what kind of 'quality' time did his father spend with
> him?
Well, he taught him to tie his shoes the other night. That was kind of
nice...especially since I was a dismal failure at teaching shoe-tying!
Mostly he expects me to make the plans and he comes along. If I wasn't
here to herd them out the door, they'd spend the day with DH in front of
the television and his son upstairs playing.
I was posting to Dean about fathers' problems with watching their children
grow up without the things that are important to them. I think that's a
lot of what DH's problem is. The house he grew up in backed on to Golden
Ears Park. That's a provincial park...I'm not sure how big it is exactly,
but you could be gone all day and never have to be in the same place for
more than 3 minutes. That was his back yard and he spent hours on end
hiking and fishing and studying things. Well, his son doesn't like to hike
and is terrified of bugs, slugs and mean looking trees. DH hasn't tried to
take him hiking in several years now. My stepson's mom is...for lack of a
better word...a girl. The most outdoorsy thing she does is shopping at
strip malls. And his stepfather is a terrific guy, but a manly man he's
not. My stepson has no strong male role model except for my husband and he
doesn't have the time to teach him all the things he'd like to. So he's
sort of stalled. He's great when we're on vacation because there is no
television or computers, but when we're home he just seems to fall into his
usual pattern--visitation or no visitation.
> You've mentioned in other posts that your mother in law is a
> complete tyrant... is your DH lax with the discipline because, even
> subconsciously, he doesn't want to be like HIS mom?
Ummm...I think it's more because he knows that is *is* like his mom. DH is
a carbon copy of her.
I don't think he knows any punishment other than the spankings he got as a
kid, but he doesn't want to do that to his son. So he doesn't do anything.
I try to be a little more creative than my parents were. I think about the
way I would have preferred to be punished and try to make it fit the crime
a little better. If he's acting out and I suspect he's overly tired, I
don't hit; I make him sit on his bed for "twenty minutes". He's generally
asleep within ten and doesn't actually make it out of the room for an hour
or more! My punishments are non-physical and non-vocal. I don't like the
idea of just yelling and hitting! However, my stepson *never*
intentionally misbehaves (which concerns me more than anything, I think!),
so he's actually only been punished four times in the five years I've been
around.
> I know that our biomom
> often gives us grief about doing things with my stepkids, accusing us of
> trying to make our house look more fun than hers to make the kids want to
> live with us (which couldn't be further from the truth... if we'd wanted
> to put up a stink, we would have taken her up on her invitation to go to
> court initially!)
I think if he has issues with his ex, they're all within him and not
radiating between the two of them. He has oodles of "absent father guilt",
but his relationship with his ex--if you ask me--is way too close. He
doesn't approve of a *lot* of the things she does as far as raising him
goes, but he never says a word. His ex acts like she thinks that they're
still together...or that he'll be coming back to her any day now. She
offers her opinions on our relationship and tries to get him involved in
conversations about the good old days. She makes pointed comments at
inopportune times (at my BIL's wedding she said--in the middle of a large
group of people--"Is that a new suit, R? I don't recognize it.") to make
it sound like they were still together last week. When DH's grandmother
died, she left a message on our machine saying how sorry she was and that
she was there if he wanted to talk. Where on earth did she think I
was...the Bahamas?
Quite frankly, she drives me insane but DH swears that it's all very
innocent and she doesn't mean anything by it. Uh huh.
lil
Vicki Robinson
>His ex acts like she thinks that they're
>still together...or that he'll be coming back to her any day now. She
>offers her opinions on our relationship and tries to get him involved in
>conversations about the good old days. She makes pointed comments at
>inopportune times (at my BIL's wedding she said--in the middle of a large
>group of people--"Is that a new suit, R? I don't recognize it.") to make
>it sound like they were still together last week. When DH's grandmother
>died, she left a message on our machine saying how sorry she was and that
>she was there if he wanted to talk. Where on earth did she think I
>was...the Bahamas?
>
Oh, dear. I do this with my ex, as well. I figure that I notice when
a friend buys a new outfit, and offer a sympathetic ear when there's a
death in the family... it seems normal and friendly to do the same
with the father of my kids. We have known each other for 22 years, we
were married for 11 and we have two kids, whom we are raising jointly.
I absolutely do not want any more relationship than I have with him.
Our marriage was a disaster. Our divorce is a resounding success; we
still appreciate and respect the things about each other that we
always did, and when we start getting on each others' nerves, we just
say "So long, catch ya later, bu bye!"
>Quite frankly, she drives me insane but DH swears that it's all very
>innocent and she doesn't mean anything by it. Uh huh.
>
She really really may not mean anything. And, in any case, you know
your DH is committed to *you*, so her intentions have nothing to do
with it.
I really think, lil, that you and I are in a MUCH better place than
women who are at constant war with one or another ex-spouse. Being
overly friendly is far and away better than unending combat.
Vicki "Pollyanna" R
lilblakdog
Vicki Robinson <vjr...@canoe.xcski.com> wrote in article
<6s47gi$q4g$1...@canoe.xcski.com>...
> She really really may not mean anything. And, in any case, you know
> your DH is committed to *you*, so her intentions have nothing to do
> with it.
Actually, I left out the part about her phoning him before she agreed to
marry her husband, to make sure that he wasn't going to come back to her.
And about her phoning again the morning of our wedding to tell him that she
still loved him and thought they could work this out. Or the countless
times during our 2 1/2 year engagement that she told him she thought he was
making a *big* mistake!
And you know what? For our wedding present she gave us three of those
little Cherished Teddies with the initials of me, DH and my stepson...an R,
an L and a C. My first thought when I saw them was, "Hmmm...her initial is
L also. I bet she'd love it if these defaulted back to her one day!" God,
isn't that hopelessly paranoid? I'm sure that wasn't her intention, but
she makes it *so* easy to think that way!
I did react to the comment about the suit because I was already in a very
uncomfortable situation (this is the wedding where my FIL introduced her
new baby around as his granddaughter) and it *was* probably an innocent
comment. But her husband looked as uncomfortable as I felt, so at least I
wasn't alone!
And I know DH is staying with me...or at the very least not going back to
her! That's why it irks me so much that she keeps her foot jammed in my
front door!
> I really think, lil, that you and I are in a MUCH better place than
> women who are at constant war with one or another ex-spouse. Being
> overly friendly is far and away better than unending combat.
Ooooooohhhhh...tell me about it! I wouldn't trade my position with some of
these steps for all the money in the world!
The mother of one of my old sorority sisters used to say that it was very
important for women to learn to smile and say "Faaaabulous!" when what you
really wanted to say was "F*** you!" I just keep that in mind and keep
smiling!
lil
janelaw
>
>
> --I
> think kids find crafts more fascinating than dissertation research!
>
Ah, but what is the dissertation research on?
Sian Lee Reid
<lilbl...@my-dejaynews.com> wrote:
> Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
> <slreid-2708...@192.0.2.1>...
>
> > Are you sure he knows how, lil?
>
> No, I don't believe he does. I think that's where his problem in dealing
> with everyone--including me--come from. His mother really is the coldest
> woman I've ever met and his father doesn't exactly stand up to her. And I
> think that--probably--the older his son gets, the harder it is for him to
> show him affection.
>
It sounds as though you're at a little bit of an advantage dealing with
your stepson. When you try to plan things for him and do things with him,
you put yourself in his shoes, and think back on what YOU would have liked
to do as a child, and you do it, and it works. When your DH does it, he
wants to go hiking and canoeing and camping, and probably spelunking! And
your stepson doesn't want to because he's just not into those sorts of
activities, and so he feels... I don't know... rebuffed? Inadequate? At
any rate, disinclined to try again. So what kinds of interests DO they
share that can be capitalized on...?
Sian Lee Reid
I think lil is right. Crafts are infinitely more interesting than my
dissertation research, which involves a lot of converting write in survey
data to code-able categories for my stats program, and transcribing taped
interviews. I study neopagan witchcraft in Canada.
Sian
lilblakdog
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
> Crafts are infinitely more interesting than my
> dissertation research, which involves a lot of converting write in survey
> data to code-able categories for my stats program, and transcribing taped
> interviews.
<giggle>
Wow...I didn't understand very much of that at all! I got the
"transcribing taped interviews"...I did enough of that as a secretary!
Actually, if I break it down and think about it, I *think* I get what you
do! :-)
> I study neopagan witchcraft in Canada.
Really??? Now *that's* cool...at nine I was definately more interested in
books on witchcraft than I was in gluing painted thread spools together!
Maybe in another year I should give my stepson a book on that!
lil
>
> Sian
>
Pugg
like you are a lot closer to him than you give yourself credit for. I
wonder if he might talk to you.
Sure does sound like there's something there. I think you're on the right
track.
Maria
lilblakdog wrote in message <01bdd30c$cffeea20$900267d1@watsons>...
>I keep re-marking this as not read, because I can't seem to get around to
>responding! So here goes...finally!
>
>Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
><slreid-2708...@192.0.2.1>...
>
>> When your DH does it, he
>> wants to go hiking and canoeing and camping, and probably spelunking!
>And
>> your stepson doesn't want to because he's just not into those sorts of
>> activities, and so he feels... I don't know... rebuffed? Inadequate? At
>> any rate, disinclined to try again. So what kinds of interests DO they
>> share that can be capitalized on...?
>
>Actually, the funny thing is that my stepson really loves these activities
>once he gets into them. It's just the days of "deprogramming" that we have
>to go through. He's not the kid that he would be if DH was in the picture
>full-time, that's obvious. He comes to us this nervous little sissy kid (I
>know that's not very nice, but some of the habits he develops at home are
>downright irritating!) and leaves happy and rambunctious. But then he
>comes back nervous and prissy and the whole thing has to start all over
>again!
>
>He doesn't seem to feel inadequate or anything...he's just initially
>disinterested in anything new or unfamiliar. He does *nothing* outdoorsy
>at home, so he's reluctant to try anything new when he comes here. If DH
>planned a day of fishing or a day of hiking, the first half of it would be
>wasted trying to get his son to pay attention to him. Then his son would
>start getting into it just in time to finish up for the day. I think DH
>sort of sees it as a waste of time maybe. That's why things are so
>different when we're camping. We have all day every day and there are no
>distractions. My stepson loves doing all those outdoor things when we're
>on holidays.
>
>You know what's kind of interesting? Remember that "fill-in-the-blank"
>report I told you about, that I started my stepson doing? Well, he was
>supposed to finish it this morning and I asked DH to help him so that I
>could have my shower. Well, DH started asking his son what he thought the
>answer to the first blank was and my stepson burst into tears! I ended up
>having to help him. And it was like this last month, too...every time DH
>tried to help him with his lessons, he'd burst into tears. And these were
>the same lessons that I helped him with, in the same way, every day!
>
>It almost seems as though DH reminds him of someone else. I can only
>imagine that would be another man, since he doesn't mind me asking the same
>questions...one who was or is overly critical of my stepson. Like one of
>his therapists or even his stepfather. DH has never done anything that
>comes across as critical...I'm around them nearly all the time they're
>together. He never lets his feelings show when he's disappointed that his
>son isn't more interested in something that he's showing him or trying to
>do with him. I have no idea where this sensetivity is coming from! I'm
>going to ask his mom to sit down with him and ask why he gets upset when
>his dad tries to help him with his work. I don't think he'd tell me and he
>just starts crying again when DH tries to talk with him.
>
>lil
lilblakdog
responding! So here goes...finally!
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
<slreid-2708...@192.0.2.1>...
> When your DH does it, he
lilblakdog
Lisa <tel...@ncal.net> wrote in article <35E833...@ncal.net>...
> Can you schedule him for longer visits so he has more fun time after the
> transition?
We can when he's off for school holidays. We get him for a week at
Christmas and Spring Break and a month or so in the summer.
Those visits are always fun and rewarding. We do lots and my stepson
really enjoys himself.
However, during the school year we can only take him for weekends. And
since it takes about 5 1/2 - 6 hours to pick him up or drop him off, that
limits the time we have left. DH can usually pick him up on Friday after
school--provided he's not working--and bring him back early Sunday
afternoon. So that really only leaves Saturday to fully enjoy. And it's
almost as though DH would just prefer to hear him in the house having a
good time with his computer or toys than to take it out and have to
struggle through half the afternoon, listening to, "Is it almost time to go
back?"
> Couldn't it be DH himself who is critical? Although he's trying not to
> express it, kids are very perceptive about how their parents feel about
> them. It almost sounds (from the little I've read) as though your
> husband and his ex have brought up your SS to be someone they don't
> really like all that much. If *you* are aware that it feels like a
> "waste of time" for DH, surely SS knows that, too.
Actually, I'm not aware that he feels it is a waste of time (I tried to
make that sound like I was only guessing, 'cause I am)...that's just the
only guess I can think of. To be honest, I'm completely baffled why he'd
be happy to be in one room while his child plays in another room for the
only day of their visit!
And I think the problem is more that his ex brings him up to be a person
*she* likes and DH brings him up to be a person *he* likes and I'm starting
to wonder if we're not going to be developing a seperate personality or
something? Maybe as a teen he'll start visiting us and calling himself
"Hank" or "Bob" or something! :-)
His mother wants a baby. She always has...that's the main reason why DH
left her. She mothers everybody! She doesn't like teaching her son
anything that makes him less dependent on her. Then we get him and there
are a lot of things that I won't do for an eight year old without launching
a parallel campaign to teach him to do them for himself. So then he goes
back there toilet trained and knowing how to tie his shoes and add on his
fingers and stuff like that I can I only assume that she has to start doing
something else to keep him at the level that she's happy with him at
because the struggle starts all over again when he gets here.
And it's not that we don't like him very much...we don't like her very much
for what she does to him! :-) He's eight...he's only picking up the
things he knows. We know that the little boy that we love so much is in
there somewhere. Remember that I posted that he came to us on Sunday
looking tired and withdrawn? That little boy was gone the minute we hit
the playground on Monday afternoon!
The idea of it being DH who was too critical was, of course, my first. I
was sure it was something in his tone or his manner or something that was
making my stepson cry. But I've been watching and there's nothing.
There's so little difference between the way I tutor my stepson and the way
DH does that I simply can't believe he finds him more critical than I am.
After one of these crying spells, I went and spoke with him. I asked him
why he was crying and he didn't know. So I asked if he was upset with Dad
and he said no. I asked if he thought Dad was mad at him and he said no.
I asked him if he knew how proud of him we both were and he said yes. So
then I asked him what a baby whale was called and he laughed and said a
calf. But then the tears continue for quite awhile.
I didn't know what else to ask him. His problem doesn't *seem* to be with
DH...it's almost more like it's triggering something that he's not aware
of. I just thought maybe his mother would be of more help.
> I'll bet you could find out more than either DH or BM. I wouldn't ask
> him directly, though. My SS at that age was *much* more likely to
> communicate indirectly, about "some guys" whose fathers can be
> impatient.
Hmmmm...my stepson is a little more...well...different. He's got some
learning and comprehension problems and indirect stories like that just go
right over his head. I keep that technique in mind for when he's a little
older and might catch on a little better, but the best thing at the moment
seems to be the direct question. He's still naive enough that avoidance
doesn't seem to be one of his skills!
> I hope my $.02 's not an intrusion.
A person's $.02 is never an intrusion, Lisa. You've made some very good
points and I'll be keeping them in mind. Thank you.
lil
Merrie
> tried to help him with his lessons, he'd burst into tears. And these were
> the same lessons that I helped him with, in the same way, every day!
>
> It almost seems as though DH reminds him of someone else. I can only
> imagine that would be another man, since he doesn't mind me asking the same
> questions...one who was or is overly critical of my stepson. Like one of
> his therapists or even his stepfather. DH has never done anything that
> comes across as critical...I'm around them nearly all the time they're
> together. He never lets his feelings show when he's disappointed that his
> son isn't more interested in something that he's showing him or trying to
> do with him. I have no idea where this sensetivity is coming from!
Maybe fear of failing in front of Dad. Doesn't mean that Dad's
critical, but rather he's more comfortable with less than success in
front of you.
Merrie
lilblakdog
Merrie <mbrin...@pon.net> wrote in article <35E89F...@pon.net>...
> Maybe fear of failing in front of Dad. Doesn't mean that Dad's
> critical, but rather he's more comfortable with less than success in
> front of you.
This was one of my thoughts. The other was, quite simply, that tears work
better for DH than they do for me. I must admit that when there's no
reason for them, I don't have much patience for them. But that doesn't
seem to be it...he actually seems to be sincerely upset. So your
suggestion and the other one I mentioned (about it triggering a
recollection of someone else) are the two best guesses I have.
The hard part is figuring which is right!
lil
Andrew&Posey
opposite with me. Her dad can ask her to do something or not do something,
and she just shrugs it off (or sulks quietly) but when I say the same thing
in the same (or lesser tone of voice) she'll burst into tears.
Example: last Sunday, we took the girls to Hyde Park with the intention of
showing them Kensington Palace and having them play in the park near it.
Because my younger SD had once again been sent along without warm clothing
(it's cold here in London, believe it or not!) we opted out on the park
until we'd had lunch to see if it would warm up at all & stop spitting rain.
LSS, after we'd had lunch, we stepped out to find that it was now drizzling
and windy, and therefore totally impossible to let kids (especially one in
shorts) go play on metal slides, etc. Younger SD doesn't mind since she's
cold anyway, but when older is told by her dad, she looks at me as if for
confirmation, and when I say "it is too cold, sweetie - plus, your sister is
already freezing" she burst into tears and played them "I'm not talking to
you" - yanking her hand out of mine, turning physically away from me when I
tried to talk to her... nothing new, nothing I take personally, but man!
It's confusing.
Posey